Hey! I had to do a little searching to find your story, but I did find it and read it. I love a good tearjerker, so I thought the premise of it was great. I just wished you had stretched it out into a longer story, instead of telling it in 283 words. It read like the kind of story people forward through email or share on Facebook, more of a summary of events than a piece of fan fiction.
When you write fiction, you want to try to show, not tell, the story. For example, the first paragraph summarizes a conversation that took place between her doctor, her family, and her and then summarizes her reaction to it. It would have made for a stronger story to actually SHOW that conversation happening, using dialogue and the main character's inner thoughts as they're happening. You did that a little bit later in the story with the conversations between the nurse and the girl and when the Boys showed up, and then it went back to a summary at the end.
I'm a Grammar Nazi, so I'm bothered by misspellings, run-on sentences, lack of punctuation and capital letters, etc. I thought you did a pretty good job with that stuff. There were a few places where you switched tenses and forgot to start a new paragraph when the speaker changed, as well as a couple of missed commas, but all in all, your conventions are fine. I think if you really worked on showing, not telling, you could write a great drama.
Hope this helps!
