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Author Topic: Thoughts on "First and Last"  (Read 2777 times)

BSBShania

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Thoughts on "First and Last"
« on: November 03, 2012, 07:13:15 PM »

Hey guys I have recently wrote my first fanfic called "First and last chance" and I was wondering what were your thoughts? What were my strengths? What do I need to improve on? Thanks in advance!
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Shania

RokofAges75

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Re: Thoughts on "First and Last"
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2012, 09:09:33 PM »

Hey!  I had to do a little searching to find your story, but I did find it and read it.  I love a good tearjerker, so I thought the premise of it was great.  I just wished you had stretched it out into a longer story, instead of telling it in 283 words.  It read like the kind of story people forward through email or share on Facebook, more of a summary of events than a piece of fan fiction. 

When you write fiction, you want to try to show, not tell, the story.  For example, the first paragraph summarizes a conversation that took place between her doctor, her family, and her and then summarizes her reaction to it.  It would have made for a stronger story to actually SHOW that conversation happening, using dialogue and the main character's inner thoughts as they're happening.  You did that a little bit later in the story with the conversations between the nurse and the girl and when the Boys showed up, and then it went back to a summary at the end.

I'm a Grammar Nazi, so I'm bothered by misspellings, run-on sentences, lack of punctuation and capital letters, etc.  I thought you did a pretty good job with that stuff.  There were a few places where you switched tenses and forgot to start a new paragraph when the speaker changed, as well as a couple of missed commas, but all in all, your conventions are fine.  I think if you really worked on showing, not telling, you could write a great drama.

Hope this helps!
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~Julie

"Sometimes writers and sociopaths are hard to tell apart." -J.K. Rowling

BSBShania

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Re: Thoughts on "First and Last"
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2012, 08:44:53 AM »

Thanks! I am thinking of rewriting it because my English teacher tells me the same thing when I do my narratives. I appreciate you for the constructive criticism!  :)
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Shania

RokofAges75

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Re: Thoughts on "First and Last"
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2012, 10:27:55 AM »

No problem! :)  It's cool that you're open to it and willing to learn.  Keep writing, and you're only going to get better at it!
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~Julie

"Sometimes writers and sociopaths are hard to tell apart." -J.K. Rowling

BSBShania

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Re: Thoughts on "First and Last"
« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2012, 01:59:19 PM »

I redid it and updated it. Its at 557 words now.
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Shania