Chapter One

-- 2006 --

"No fucking way. It's broken."

"It's not broken."

I swallowed hard.

"Does it really say 224?"

Leslie knelt down.

"Yup."

"Dammit."

I was 224 pounds. Somehow I had gained fifty pounds without realizing it. How did that happen? Maybe it was the fast food. Maybe it was the alcohol. It couldn't have been the cocaine. Cocaine made you lose weight. Right?

"You need to go on a diet bro," Angel said gently.

"The camera adds ten pounds," Aaron added. "You're going to look like a fatass on TV."

I stifled a growl. Filming had just wrapped on House of Carters. The five of us were getting ready to go our separate ways again.

The only thing I wouldn't lose was the roll of fat around my waist.

Nick Carter, teen heartthrob, was a fatass.

"Great job guys. Here's hoping there's a season two!"

I stepped off Angel's scale. She scooped it up into her bag. The executive producer for the show, Kenneth, was roaming around the house congratulating everyone. People were dragging furniture out all around us.

It was hard to call what we had just done 'reality' when the falseness of it was being torn down all around us.

"Maybe season two can be about how I'm the hot brother," Aaron said. He was hanging over the balcony. Again. His legs dangled in the air.

You would think that after the surfing accident he would learn not to be an idiot.

That was only wishful thinking. I wished more than anything he was eight again.

"Out of shape, huh?" Kenneth said. He came up and slapped my back. I closed my eyes and stifled a bitter comment.

The last five years had been rough. After me and the guys had split, my solo album had flopped, mom and dad had fucked me and my siblings up, and my relationship history had gone from bad to worse. Even though Backstreet was back and Never Gone had been fairly successfully, I could sense a change was in the air. I feared that Kevin was getting tired of the whole thing.

I think my stupidity was finally wearing him out. AJ kept falling off the wagon and I had started taking the same road. I was just better at keeping it a secret.

"Y'know, I'd love you n this new show I'm doing," Kenneth said. I opened an eye. He was circling me like a vulture.

"What show?"

"It's a weight loss show. VH1 has been having success with their Celebrity Fit Club and E! wants a piece of the pie."

I shook my head. "No way."

"C'mon. It'll be a nice paycheck just for being on the show. And if you win there's an even bigger payout."

I bit the inside of my cheek. I hated this business. I hated how it all came down to money. It shouldn't have been this way. Mom had been a shitty manager. Lou had been a fuckin' pissant.

And I had just been a dumb kid.

"How nice of a paycheck?"

The number he quoted me sparked my interest.

"What do I have to do?"

"Just follow the diet and exercise regimen."

"When do you film? I've got some commitments with BSB coming up in four months," I explained.

"We start filming next week."

"Next week?"

"Are you doing anything else?"

I wasn't doing shit. I didn't have a girlfriend. The one chick that had slept with me during the show was just in it for a second of screen time and the notoriety of sleeping with 'Nick Carter' the celebrity, not 'Nick Carter' the person.

I scratched a blemish on my skin.

"I'll do it," I said. I didn't have anything to lose. If I lost weight, great. If I won the whole damn show, even better.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"This will be good for you."

"I don't like to sweat."

"Well, try to imagine that each drop of sweat is a dollar."

I bit the inside of my cheek.

"That would be nice," I admitted.

My sister Francie rooted through my duffel bag and took out a package of chocolate Hostess cakes out of my bag.

"This is officially contraband," she explained. She tossed them in the trash, pulled the bag out and headed towards the door.

"WAIT!"

She didn't listen. My bedroom door closed. I sank down on my bed.

Francie meant well, but she didn't understand. She was 5'9, 110 pounds and accentuated with silicone buddies that made a guy's head practically do a 360 degree turn when she walked by.

She got her genes from mom, the famous Tiffany Sullivan, who was the most favorite character on the soap opera Heartbeat.

And I was famous just because I was her fat daughter.

It wasn't like she called me her fat daughter. She wasn't like that. But the rest of the world was. At 186 pounds, I was ten pounds lighter than I was a year ago.

But I was still fat.

When Kenneth Grahaems had called to offer me a spot on his weight loss reality show, I had been skeptical.

Why did the world want to see me?

Kenneth told me the world loved to see people lose weight. I was pretty sure the world just wanted to dissect how different I was from mom.

"They've been destroyed," Francie announced as she walked back into my room. "You're not hiding anything else, are you Shay?"

I wasn't, but even if I was, I wouldn't tell her.

"I wonder who else is going to be on the show," she said as she sat beside me. She barely made a dip in my mattress. I shifted; the springs creaked softly.

"Probably more sad losers like myself," I said.

"You're not a loser."

I snorted. Francie had just snagged a role on Heartbeat as mom's younger sister. Compared to her, I fit snugly into the loser category. My big claim to fame was a Huggies commercial when I was a year and a half old. Other than that, all I had was a Liberal Arts degree and no enthusiasm to use it, liberally or artistically.

"I hope you get a dose of self confidence at least," she said.

"If I didn't live in L.A. I would be totally confident," I said. "I swear I should live in Nebraska."

Francie laughed. "What the hell's in Nebraska? Isn't that where guys marry like five different women?"

"That's Utah," I pointed out. Francie waved her hand in the air carelessly. Her blonde hair (which was once upon a time brunette like my own) was cut short and perfectly styled. She looked like an adorable little pixie.

And I was the Jolly Green giant.

"You're beautiful Shay," Francie added. "The outside just needs to catch up to the inside."

I rolled my eyes. She was using mom's line. No matter who said it, I hated it all the same.

"I'm fine with the way I am thank you," I said a little more coldly than I had intended. "I'm just doing this for the money."

"Or you could just wait two years until you get mom's money."

I shook my head. Mom, on the advice of our grandfather, had locked Francie's and my nest egg up until we reached twenty five. Francie had four more years. I had two. But she was happy in L.A.

I wanted money to get the hell out. There was no way mom was going to give me money just so I could leave her.

This was something I had to do on my own.

And if it meant eating a few more carrot sticks, then so be it.

Chapter Two

"I thought this was an at-home program," I explained.

"Well, that would be more expensive. We'd have to have eight camera crews. It's cheaper just to rent a compound for a few weeks."

"A compound? It sounds like a cult."

Kenneth sighed. "It's actually very nice. Plus, we want all of you together. There's going to be teams. It will be fun."

I was sitting on the couch. Three cans of beer were scattered on my table. A bag of Doritos was quickly being devoured. I glanced around.

The place was a sty.

It was going to be time to move again soon. I scratched my gut. It was soft. There was a roll hanging over my jeans. I took my hand away.

Damn it all to hell. I was one of People's most gorgeous people just six years ago. Now I felt like Dan from Roseanne. Plus I was breaking out like I was fifteen again.

Life sucked.

"Alright, I'll take your word for it," I finally said. "I guess that means I have to pack."

Kenneth laughed. "That would be a good idea. I'll have a private car sent for you at eight o'clock tomorrow morning. It will bring you to the bus."

"The bus?"

"Think of it like summer camp."

I snorted. "I never went to summer camp."

"There's a first time for everything."

I rolled my eyes. "Ain't that the truth."

"See you tomorrow, buddy!" Kenneth said. I hung up.

I was only his buddy because I was probably the biggest Z-lister he had gotten for this show.

The guys were going to razz me so bad about going on a friggin' weight loss show. I could already hear Kevin. He had been bitchin' about my eating habits for years. This last tour had been the worst. He complained that I couldn't handle choreography. He screamed at me if he smelled my fry breath.

He was worse than my mother. Of course, he cared more than my mother.

I ran a hand through my hair. I didn't want to think about family. I felt grungy. I felt lazy. I leaned towards the table. I did just a quick bump of coke. It took a bit to kick in, but when it did...

"Fuck YEAH!" I screamed. There was no one else in the apartment. I sank back into the couch and closed my eyes.

I had to figure out some way to smuggle in just a few goodies into this damn 'fat camp' for a pick me up. If I wasn't going to be able to gorge in fries, chips, and other fried favorites, I needed at least a little bit of 'dessert' to get my energy up. I seemed to be losing the high faster and faster, but when it was going full force, I felt invincible.

Beads of sweat erupted on my upper lip. My leg started to shake. I wanted to party, but I was short on cash. Plus I couldn't afford to get another DUI. I reached for another can of beer and popped the tab.

Once I lost the weight, I would tackle my problems. Not that I really had a big problem.

The drinking and drugs were more like a little hobby; I could quit at any time.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"This mascara won't smear even when you sweat," mom said. She stuck it in a black and white makeup bag.

"I don't think I'm going to wear makeup while I'm working out," I said.

Mom stared at me wide-eyed. Or maybe it was just the leftover immobility from her latest Botox injection.

It was anyone's guess.

"Shay, you're going to be on TV. You've got to look your best."

"This is as good as it gets."

She smiled. "It's not as good as it gets. You'll be running around on the set of Heartbeat with Francie in no time at all."

I snorted. "I never want to be a soap star."

Mom frowned. "You say it like it's a bad thing."

I hedged. "It's not a bad thing," I said slowly. "It's just not for me."

"Well, you never know. You say that now but once you slim down..."

I tuned her out. Francie and I had dined on egg whites and celery for breakfast. I was pretty sure I would have been better off just capturing mouthfuls of air and swallowing them. My stomach would have growled all the same.

"Do you know who else is going to be on this thing?" I asked mom when she finished her soliloquy. She ran a hand through her hair.

"I heard they were getting Kevin James. Then there's some singer, an author, a comedian...there's a pretty good mix of people."

"I still don't know why they picked me," I said. Mom smiled.

"It's all about connections."

She had just admitted what I had already guessed. She had dropped my name and probably my picture. If I wasn't ready for 'soap time' or 'prime time' at least she could get her 'reject' daughter on TV somehow.

"Thanks," I said. I took the makeup bag from her and stuck it in my suitcase. Mom walked over and patted my hand.

"Get a good night's sleep. Kenneth told me the car will be here early tomorrow."

I nodded. Her heels clicked on the hardwood floor as she swayed out of my room. I sank back down on the bed, bent over and retrieved a tiny little pack of Oreos from underneath my bed. I quietly tore open the package and stuffed one in my mouth.

They were the best when dunked in milk, but the second best option was to just suck on it and let it disintegrate. I stared at the wall and let the taste of chocolate fill my mouth.

I was a stress eater. I didn't need any degree-holding psychologist to tell me that. My mother and sister stressed me out. I was optimistic that the weight would fall off once I got away from them.

Hell, I might even get so skinny that the producers would give me Oreos to gain weight.

The thought brought a smile to my face.

As long as I could ignore the cameras and wasn't forced to wear anything made with spandex, I was going to be just fine.

As for my Oreo problem, I wasn't too worried. I could quit at any time.

Chapter Three

"This is our stop."

"That's the bus?" I said dumbly.

"Yes, sir."

At eight o'clock on the dot, a private car had rolled up to my front door. I had dozed off as soon as we took off.

Now I was awake and staring at the friggin' Partridge Family bus. It looked like a gang had threw up unwanted gang signs all over it.

"I see they're running on a tight budget," I muttered. I opened my door and climbed out.

Even though I couldn't see them, I sensed the cameras right away. I ran a hand through my hair. I had taken a shower this morning; I had shaved. The shaving might have been a mistake.

I discovered a double chin hidden under the fuzzies.

"WELCOME TO E! PHAT CAMP!!!!"

I whirled around. The doors to the bus opened and Richard Simmons ran out.

I'm not kidding. I wish I was. His fro bobbed in the wind. It was like my worst nightmare.

"Hells no," I said. I took a couple steps back, but the jumping pixie got to me before I could dash back into the car.

"NICK CARTER!!!" he screamed. He grabbed my arm. For such a short, skinny dude he was strong.

"ARE YOU READY TO TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND?!"

I'm sure my face looked like I had been hit by a semi truck. I looked around.

I was sure I was being Punk'd.

"Is this for real?" I asked dumbly.

Richard laughed. "Of course! C'mon, c'mon!"

The gravel underneath my feet shot out in all directions as I was tugged to the bus steps. Richard hopped up and I clumsily followed. He stopped acting like a spazz when the bus doors closed.

"Okay, you're contestant number two," he said. Even though he wasn't so overwhelming when the cameras stopped rolling, his body still couldn't stop moving. I kept my eyes on his face. Dudes should not wear spandex body suits. He looked out the window.

"AHHH! NUMBER THREE!"

He went to the bus doors again. I was glad to pass him off on some other poor unsuspecting fool.

I made my way to the back of the bus. I figured I'd get enough screen time later without having to sit front and center.

Someone else had obviously gotten the same idea. She was slumped down in the seat so that even her head couldn't be seen over the old, tired leather seat. All I saw was a mass of dark reddish brown curls and well-manicured nails.

"This seat taken?" I asked.

The woman glanced up. She hesitated a minute before waving at the empty spot. She looked like she was my age. I had no idea who she was. I sat down and matched her slump.

"Richard Simmons," she muttered. She sounded as disgusted as I did.

"Spandex," I muttered. We looked at each other.

"You hate spandex?" she asked.

"You hate Richard Simmons?" I asked.

We smiled. I held out my hand.

"Nick Carter," I said. She put her hand in mine.

"Shay Gerard."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When mom had mentioned a singer, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine Nick Carter stepping up on the bus along with that little screaming gremlin known as Richard Simmons.

But sure enough, it was him.

About five years ago, mom had taken me and Francie to a Backstreet Boys concert. Afterwards, we had gone backstage for a photo op. Whoever took the picture cut me out except for my flab-induced arm. I think I was standing by Howie. I couldn't remember.

I wasn't that big of a fan at the time (I still wasn't...were they even together anymore?); however, I did recall what Nick Carter had looked like.

I think 'toothpick' was an accurate description.

I wasn't one to judge, but he had gained quite a bit of weight. In my opinion, it made him look better.

I was a sucker for teddy bears.

But I was sure the music business was just as critical as Hollywood. You didn't get votest one of the sexiest bachelors alive if you didn't have six-pack abs.

"What are you in for?" he whispered mysteriously. I looked at him in confusion.

"In for?"

"What's your crime?"

I blinked. I was brunette, but suddenly I felt like I was having a blonde moment.

"Mine's beer and fries," he continued.

Realization came to me. So did the fact that he had really nice eyes.

"Oh! Um...Oreos," I said. I tugged at my hair. "But it's not that bad," I said. I glanced at my thighs. I vaguely remembered reading that Nick had dated Paris Hilton a year or so ago. My left thigh was probably bigger than her whole body. I bit the inside of my cheek.

"Yeah neither's mine," Nick said. He successfully interrupted my thoughts of annoying tiny women who carried their stupid dogs in their purses. He smiled. "Maybe they'll let us off easy."

At that moment, Richard bounced back on the bus with a comedian whose name I couldn't remember. He was a tall, black hulk of a guy looked totally pissed off at the red suited booger.

Maybe one of our exercise challenges was going to be to burn Sweatin' to the Oldies tapes and bury Richard alive. I felt the corners of my mouth twitch.

"You look like you want to stab him," Nick whispered.

"Wouldn't you?"

He let out a sigh.

"In an instant."

We both leaned back in our seats. Nick propped his feet up against the back of the chair in front of him. Five more people came on board.

In the end, there was no Kevin James. Besides Nick Carter, he would have been the other really recognizable name. Everyone else was more of a 'niche' celebrity.

Except for me. My only claim to fame was being born to Tiffany Sullivan.

"What do you do?" Nick asked. Richard was outside; I heard him chattering excitedly to the camera. He was probably talking about how sad and pathetic we all were.

"I'm currently unemployed," I said.

"Are you a singer or an actress or a model?"

I almost snorted. He thought I was a model? Was he delusional?

"My mom's an actress," I said. "Tiffany Sullivan. She's on Heartbeat."

Nick nodded. "My mom used to watch that all the time."

"Yeah," I said. I was pretty sure every woman in America had seen at least one episode.

"So your tabloid news?" Nick guessed.

I smirked. "That sums it up."

Nick stretched his arms above his head.

"Then you'll be the one to watch out for."

I was going to ask him what he meant, but just then Richard leapt back inside. The bus doors closed and his 'nails on the chalkboard' voice started to ramble. I could sense the cameras all around.

What had I gotten myself into?

Chapter Four

"This is your home for the next six weeks people!" Richard screeched. I felt like I was walking the green mile. I looked around at my fellow contestants. I watched enough crap on TV to know who most of the people were. Shay and the big black guy were the only two I didn't know.

"Line up! Line up! The crew will get your bags!"

I had a headache threatening to explode. My temples were already starting to pound. I couldn't help but wonder if the competition was really about weight loss or about who would last the longest without killing themselves or Richard.

Someone needed to put the guy out of his (well, our) misery.

I looked to my left. Shay was nervously tugging at her t-shirt. I had a height advantage over her. From my viewpoint, I had a perfect view of her rack. She had a great one.

"WELCOME TO E! PHAT CAMP!" Richard screamed. I jumped; he had broken through my dirty thoughts. He lifted his arms above his head and began to clap.

"ALL TOGETHER NOW! ALL TOGETHER NOW!" he chanted.

Shay looked over at me. She made a stabbing motion. I laughed.

"C'MON PEOPLE!!!"

Reluctantly, I raised my hands over my head and gave a few half-hearted claps. Everyone else did the same.

"WOO-HOO! Alright, who's ready to lose those bellies!"

The only one that let out a loud cheer was a big black woman with an afro. She kicked her leg up in the air. That sent Richard into overdrive.

"My friend here is ready! As you all know, my name is Richard Simmons."

He paused, no doubt expecting some applause. The camera guy made a motion and we all slapped our hands together lightly.

"Now, we're going to all become BEST friends during the course of the show. I want everyone to introduce themselves, but before that happens I want you to go into the dorms, change and meet my by...the scale."

He made it sound so mysterious. He jumped back and began making erratic hand motions.

There was a giant human scale not far off in the distance.

"GO! GO!" he said.

Everyone turned and ran. I don't think it was because we were so excited to claim a bed in a ratty camp house. It was more like we were running from the lunatic that was delusional enough to think we were going to be his best friends.

"Who the hell thought it was a good idea to get Simmons?"

A short guy with glasses held the door open to the camp house. Hanging above the door was a large blue banner that said 'Men.' I reconized the guy right away. He was Wayne Knight from the show Seinfeld.

"Well, you can't deny that he brings a whole batch of excitement. That's what these shows are all about. Well, that and seeing fat celebrities being forced to run and sweat and puke."

I walked in and glanced behind my shoulder. The comment had come from Bruce Vilanch, a writer and comedian.

"You've done this before?"

"I'm an ex-Celebrity Fit Clubber," he said. "It pays the rent. Mablean and Victoria crossed over too."

I looked at him skeptically. It didn't look like Celebrity Fit Club had done much good.

"I gained it all back already," he said. "If that's what you're thinking."

"Dude, dawg. Hey blondie! Dawg!"

I looked towards the back of the room. Considering how small the room was, that wasn't hard to do. There were only two sets of bunks. The black guy was waving at me.

"Yo, you wanna bunk wit' me?"

Bruce and Wayne had already struck up a conversation. It looked like it was going to be young guys against old. I nodded.

"Sure I'll take--"

"I call top bunk!"

The bunk creaked as he hefted himself up. I had a feeling I was going to learn the hard way how Kev used to feel whenever I took top bunk and bounced all my weight down on him.

I grabbed my bags from the corner where the crew had dumped them and slid them underneath the bunk. On the bed was a black t-shirt and shorts with PHAT CAMP written all in caps.

"Hey!"

A big hand shot down inches from my face.

"Lavell."

I shook his hand. "Nick."

"You one of them boy banders?"

I bit the inside of my cheek. "Yup."

"Damn, you got fat."

I looked up. He smiled.

"No offense."

I sighed. It was going to be a long six weeks.

I so needed a drink.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Are you from SNL?" I asked as me and the three other women walked towards the girls camp house. The blonde woman smiled at me. I was pretty sure she was Victoria Jackson.

"In my past life," she said lightly.

"Those were the best years of the show."

She laughed. "I'll give you that."

"There better not be no bugs in this place."

I turned. The black girl who had kicked her leg up in the air just minutes earlier jogged to catch up with me. She had a short afro and eyes that were as wide as saucers.

"What show you from?" she asked.

"I'm not."

Her brow furrowed. "So how are you famous?"

I was going to ask her the same thing. "My mother's on TV," I said. "What about you?"

The girl grinned. "I'm from Flavor of Love Season 2!"

She held up two fingers.

"Has that even aired yet?" I asked. She shook her head.

"Nope. But once it does imma be famous."

Somehow I doubted that. She nudged me.

"You wanna bunk with me?"

The room was small. And warm. I saw one electrical outlet. Victoria had already paired up with the other older woman. I was pretty sure she had been one of those TV show judges at one point. It looked like it was going to be the young versus the old.

"Sure," I said. I didn't have much choice.

We headed towards the bunk in the back of the room.

"I'm Darra," she said. Before I could claim top bunk, she climbed up and slapped her hands on the mattress possesively.

"Shay," I said. I stared at the bottom bunk. I was claustrophobic. I swallowed hard. Staring up at a mattress wasn't going to work well. My palms began to sweat.

"LOOK AT THIS!"

I looked up at Darra. She was holding a pair of shorts and a sports bra. "Are they serious?"

I glanced down at the bottom bunk. There was an identical set there.

"These have to be yours," Darra said. She flung the set she was holding down to me. I picked up the ones laying on the bottom. They were a size or two bigger. I handed them up to her. I picked up the bra that had landed on the floor.

The bra had PHAT written across it. The shorts had CAMP written on the ass. Were they serious? Did they really expect me to wear this in front of everyone else? I didn't parade around in my underwear even at home!

"Greetings Ladies!"

Richard's voice appeared out of nowhere. I spied an intercom in the ceiling.

"You have two minutes to get dressed and get back on out here for the weigh in! WOOHOO!"

There was a crackle and then nothing. I glanced around. Victoria was already changing. Darra was mumbling above me. Something told me she wasn't going to be doing another leg kick anytime soon. I slid into my bunk and tried to ignore the feeling of walls closing in.

I had never really felt like my mom hated me until now.

This was cruelty to the nth degree. I was going to have my weight announced in front of Richard Simmons, seven strangers, and the entire world while my boobs fell out of the stupid bra and the spandex shorts made my belly look even bigger.

I so needed an Oreo.

Chapter Five

"LOOK AT ALL YOU LITTLE DOUGH MUFFINS!"

The sun was high in the sky. Richard had changed to a sparkly silver jumpsuit that made me feel like I was going to fall down on the ground and start seizuring.

"This is your preliminary weigh in session. After this, we will do a weekly weigh in. We will subtract your current weight from your preliminary weight as well as calculate percentage of body fat lost."

He clapped his hands and giggled.

"Now, before we begin, I'm sure you've noticed that we have a boys vs. girls thing going on."

I glanced over at the girls group. There was a lot of skin showing. Unlike the guys, the girls were in sports bras. It wasn't a good sight. The only one who wasn't spilling out all over was Shay. She looked like she was going to vomit. She was wearing a swim coverup and her lips were moving as if she was muttering a prayer.

"This season we have the Simmons Beauties!" Richard announced. He did a dramatic bow in the girls direction.

Kenneth, the producer, gave us a pointed cue and we all clapped.

"And on my right, we have the Tough Richards!"

Kenneth gave another cue. But I couldn't clap. Tough Richards?

I heard a loud snort from the girl's group. I glanced over. Shay had her hand clamped over her mouth. I ran a hand down my face to cover my smile.

"Alright, first up will be Simmons Beauty...Victoria Jackson!"

And so it began. Victoria went first, then Bruce. The it was Darra's turn. She started to argue with Richard about the large number that appeared on the scale. I was half-hoping she'd jump on him and we'd all get to go home, but it didn't happen.

"Next up...teen dream, Nick Carter!"

My stomach clenched. I walked up to the scale. Richard patted my shoulder.

"Tell me how you got this way," he said seriously.

"Junk food?" I said. Richard started to rub my back consolingly. I need to tell you that I don't have a problem with gay guys, but a sparkly guy rubbing my back was a little much. I stepped on the scale just to get away.

Unlike the other contestants, I wasn't shocked when the number 224 came up on the scale. I heard the people behind me let out a little 'oooh.'

"How much did you weigh in 1999 during the Millennium tour?" Richard asked.

"Around 170," I said.

Richard made a little clucking noise. "That's fifty-four pounds," he said. "We're going to help you. HELP ME HELP YOU, NICK CARTER!"

Then he hugged me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"HELP ME HELP YOU, NICK CARTER!"

I watched Richard Simmons hug Nick. Nick looked like he wanted to punch him. Instead, he held his hands up in the air and tried to look anywhere except at the sparkling disco ball that was encircling his waist. Once Richard let him go, he jogged back to the line.

Richard clapped his hands again.

"Next up...Shay Gerard, daughter of beloved actress Tiffany Sullivan!"

No one else had needed such a long introduction. It irked me that I couldn't just be myself. My mom always had to be attached to my ass.

As if I wasn't heavy enough.

I stepped forward. Richard smiled at me.

"Alright, hon. We need to lose the wrap before you step on the scale."

I put my hands on my hips. It was a good resting place.

"Why?"

"We want the most accurate weight."

I pulled the thin material away from my side. "This weighs nothing."

Richard just kept smiling. "It's the rules."

"I think its sexism."

The girls behind me started to whisper. Richard laughed.

"What are you talking about?"

"The guys got t-shirts. Why didn't we?"

Richard stopped smiling. He looked at the camera and did a little hand motion. The light faded away. The producer guy came forward.

"We're having you girls wear this so that at the end of the show the audience can see how much weight you've lost," he explained.

"Well why do the guys have shirts on?"

"When we do the promo shot, they won't. It's just that...we didn't want any plumber problems as they got on the scale."

The girls started to laugh. The guys...not so much.

"What choo talkin' bout?" Lavell called out. His belly was already escaping from the bottom of the shirt.

The producer ignored him. "We need you to follow the rules," he said.

Before I could argue further, he stepped back. Richard came back over and the cameras started rolling again.

"Alright, hon. We need to lose the wrap before you step on the scale," he continued as if nothing had happened.

My face burned. I was angry and self-conscious. I yanked off the cover-up and threw it at Richard's pixie face. I stepped onto the scale, slapped my hands against my sides and swallowed down every curse I could think of.

"One hundred eighty six pounds," I heard Richard announce to the group. Tears burned behind my eyes. I felt like I was in one of those dreams where you're the only one naked and everyone's laughing at you.

"Why do you think you've gained so much weight?" Richard asked. He put his arm around me. I opened my eyes. Just looking at him made me want to burst out singing 'Staying Alive' by the BeeGees.

"I've always been this way," I said defensively. "I've never been skinny. Some girls just aren't meant to look like Paris Hilton."

It was a bad analogy. I knew it the moment it came out of my mouth. Even so, I couldn't help but look at Nick. He looked like he had swallowed a lemon.

"Well, we're going to help you look like her!" Richard said. I didn't bother to explain I didn't want to look like her. The guy was just nuts. He handed me my wrap back, the producer cued everyone to clap, and my moment of torture was over.

For now.

Chapter Six

The day that this show would get Shay to look like Paris Hilton was the day that I would join N'Sync. I don't mean that in a bad way necessarily. Shay was a curvy, er, fluffy girl. There was no way she'd be able to look like Paris.

Of course, I didn't even want to think about Paris. I had almost bashed Aaron's head in for mentioning her.

I considered her 'dark history.'

After Shay stepped off the scale, she quickly put the cover up back on. She folded her arms across her chest and got back in line.

I tuned out the rest of the weigh-in. Finally, Richard stepped back up, screeched some words of 'encouragement,' and told us to have a good night. He jumped back on the bus. The cameras stopped rolling.

I had no doubt the show was putting Simmons up in a five-star hotel while the rest of us were bait for Freddy Krueger or Jason to show up.

"I'm exhausted," Bruce said.

The eight of us turned back towards our respected 'houses.' I ended up in step with Shay.

"We survived day one," I said. She snorted.

"There's forty one more days to go," she pointed out.

"How bad can it be?" I asked. Her brown eyes sparkled in amusement.

"Those are famous last words," she said.

"I thought you were going to strangle the twerp with your swim thing," I said. I reached out and tugged at the material.

"I still don't think it's fair that you guys get t-shirts," she said. She tugged on my shirt.

There was a time when I had no problem ripping my t-shirt off. It came with the narcissistic pleasure of watching girls cream themselves over that simple move.

The last couple years had been a different story. After a picture of me shirtless in the water landed in the Enquirer with a headline that said something about a whale, I didn't feel so appealing anymore. I mean, it didn't stop me from getting tail when I wanted it, but it did make me less tempted to play the public stripping game.

"You heard what they said about plumber's cracks," I said. Shay snorted.

"I don't see the difference between a crack or boobs spilling out," she said. I smiled.

"I do. Boobs are much nicer to look at. I mean, you have a nice set."

She stopped. I stopped. We must have been walking like turtles because everyone had already gone in.

"What did you say?" she said.

I was sure I had a deer-in-the-headlights look on my face.

Sometimes my mouth didn't know when to quit.

This was one of those times.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"I mean, you have a nice set."

I stopped. He stopped. Had he said what I thought he had said? Had he been checking me out?

"What did you say?" I asked.

His eyes widened. He had really pretty eyes. At the moment they looked sleepy and drained, but they were still nice to look at.

"Er, I don't remember," he said lamely.

"You said I have a nice set," I said. He held up his hands.

"I'm a boob guy. Don't hurt me."

The feminist in me wanted to launch into another speech about sexism. The female in me just wanted to take it as a compliment. I smiled.

"Good night, Nick," I said lightly. I left him standing there with his hands held aloft.

I'd let him interpret that smile for whatever it was. I pulled open the creeky camp house door and went inside.

I had never had to share a bedroom with anyone before in my life. Even at college I had my own private dorm. This was a whole different world. I looked around and observed my three bunkmates.

Victoria and the judge were already in their bunks talking quietly to one another. I glanced over at my bunk.

Darra was wearing a blue nightie with frilly underwear. She had a toothbrush sticking out of the corner of her mouth.

"Fhair foo been fat?" she said.

"What?" I asked.

She gave several hard brushes, walked into the teeny bathroom and spit.

"Where you been at?" she called out.

"I just wanted some fresh air," I said. She came to the bathroom door and struck a pose.

"That fat white boy had eyes for you when you took off that moomoo," she said.

I looked at her in surprise. "What fat white boy?"

"That blondey. I think he's a chubby chaser."

I snorted. "You're delusional. He's dated models around the world."

Darra smiled and held up her hand. "Boy prolly didn't know what he was missing. Flava Flav sure didn't."

She walked over to the bunk, grabbed onto the ladder and hoisted herself up.

I stared at my bottom bunk in dismay. I began to sweat. There was no way in hell I could sleep in what amounted to a cave.

"You going to bed?" she asked.

"Naw, I'm a night owl," I lied.

"Well, we're all going to bed," Victoria said. I looked over at her.

"Let me get changed and I'll be out."

I heard a few impatient sighs from the judge as I stepped into the bathroom. I tore off my stupid 'Phat Camp' outfit and threw on a pair of shorts and an old Lakers t-shirt.

Victoria had her hand on the light switch as I walked out of the bathroom. I glanced back at the bunk. I made a fast decision. I grabbed my blankets and a pillow.

"I'm just going to go enjoy the stars," I said. I crossed the room hugging all my paraphernalia.

The light went off behind me the moment I stepped through the door.

There was silence. No Richard. No teammates.

Nothing.

I glanced around. There was dirt everywhere. I walked around the side of the camp house. Two old wooden reclining outdoor chairs were pressed against the wall. I dragged one of them out a little ways. I put down one blanket. I tossed my pillow up towards the head and settled down in the chair. It creaked in protest and for one horrifying minute I worried the thing was going to disintegrate under me. But it didn't. It wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world, but at least I didn't feel confined.

I was surrounded by the whole wide world. The stars were shining like little nightlights. I shook out my second blanket and tossed it over me.

As long as I didn't get attacked by bears, snakes, or any other critter, my sleeping situation was going to be just fine.

Chapter Seven

When you have to spend the night underneath a three hundred pound hulk of lard, you can imagine that you don't get a lot of sleep. I couldn't even toss and turn. Around four a.m., I admitted defeat. I rooted around in my bag, grabbed a little secret stash of 'dessert' that I had hidden in the lining, and headed outside.

It was eerily quiet. The sky was a perfect jet black. The stars sparkled above. I sat down on the back step to the cabin and wiped the dirt away with my hands.

I didn't bring a cutting plate. Instead, I had to use a little ingenuity. I took my razor blade and made two thin lines. I looked around.

I was alone. I lowered my body down and quickly snorted. I tossed my head back and gasped.

The euphoria hit fast. I ran my hand through my hair. I stopped and licked my fingers. My throat felt dry, but not in a bad way. I stood up and scraped my shoe along the step to erase any possible trace left.

I swung my arms around. I couldn't go back in. I ran in place. I was already exercising. This was great. I decided to take a walk.

My feet crunching in the packed dirt sounded amazingly loud to my ears. I tied the strings of my hoodie tighter around my neck. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest; I loved the rush the stuff produced.

It was dark, but as my eyes adjusted to my surroundings, I made out a shape that was stationed halfway between the two camphouses. I slowed down and made my way cautiously forward. I was maybe ten feet away when I finally made out what it was.

Someone was sleeping on a lounge chair. I saw the large swell of a hip and knew it was distinctly female. I crept closer.

It was Shay. I smiled. I had the urge to do something wicked. It was a cruel thought, but I was sure she didn't get much action. There were no cameras around. If I just so happened to do the nasty with her, no one would be the wiser.

I was all set to kneel down and feel her up when I noticed something towards her feet. I leaned down for a closer look. My eyes widened.

There was a fuckin' snake crawling up her leg and I don't mean my johnson.

"Shay!" I hissed. "Shay!"

Her head rolled lazily to her side. She smiled. I reached out and tapped her shoulder. I glanced back at the snake. I knew I should do the honorable thing and get it off her; however, I wasn't feeling totally stupid at the moment.

"SHAY!" I said louder. The snake reached towards her vajayjay. Her smile widened. "Mmm."

That just confirmed she hadn't gotten lucky in awhile. If a snake could get her off...

I dug my nail into her shoulder. Her brow furrowed. Her eyes opened.

"What?" she said groggily.

"You have a snake on you," I said.

She looked at me like I was crazy. I pointed. She looked down.

Her blood-curdling scream made my teeth vibrate.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I had been having the most amazing dream. I don't know why, but Nick was playing Fabio in my fantasties. We had just gotten to the moment where he was thrusting into me when I felt a sharp stab on my shoulder. My eyes opened. I turned my head.

Nick was staring at me.

Had it been a dream?

"What?" I said groggily.

"You have a snake on you," he said.

A snake? Was that a metaphor for his cock? He pointed. I looked down.

It was no metaphor. There was a snake on my body.

I was terrified of snakes. I opened my mouth and let out a scream.

I didn't have a clue if it was poisonous. My leg jerked uncontrollably. The thing rolled right into my blankets. I scrambled up the chair. It bucked under my weight. I hit the dirt hard. I did a fast crawl for about ten yards. Then I stood up and started to jump like a maniac. My hands slapped at my body.

Lights went on in both camphouses. Everyone came to the door.

"What the hizzle's going on?" one of the guys shouted.

"It's alright!" I heard Nick say. "Just a snake!"

"SNAKE?!" Darra screamed. "FUCK SNAKES! I AM OUT OF HERE!"

She took off down the steps. I don't think she saw me. She marched with a purpose, her ass hanging out of her nightie. She had on spikey night slippers with feather boa fur dancing along the sides. They were the kind of shoes that porn stores sold.

I don't think she could see very clearly. By now, I was totally awake. My eyes grew in horror as I saw her foot meet snakeskin. The snake curled up. Darra went balistic.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" she bellowed. "I'MMA MAKE A PURSE OUTTA YOU!"

She yanked off her shoe and started to stab. I shielded my face with my arm. I hated snakes, but I hated guts even more.

"DIE YOU SONOVABITCH!" she said. By the time she was done, she was breathing hard. Nick was still standing by my abandoned chase looking stunned. His hands were buried in the pocket of his sweatshirt. His hoodie was tied around his head so that only his long blonde bangs poked out.

"Can we get back to bed?" one of the guys asked. There was an assention from the girls camphouse.

"I ain't sleepin," Darra said. "Who can sleep? I 'bout crapped myself."

She shoved her shoe back on her foot. I didn't even want to think about the snake goo on it. She stomped back into the camphouse. I heard her arguing with Victoria and the judge. The light went off in the guy's camphouse.

Nick looked over at me. I pressed my hand against my heart.

"You okay?" he asked. He seemed to be full of nervous energy; he was bouncing from foot to foot.

My body was wound tight. Between my dream and the terror of the snake...

"I'm okay," I said.

"Why were you sleeping out here?" he asked.

"I'm bottom bunk," I said. He nodded.

"Me too."

His shoes crunched towards me. I saw him step over the mass that just minutes ago had been a snake. He stopped when he was right in front of me.

"You know what you need?" he asked. His nose was practically touching mine. I shook my head. His arm came out of his sweatshirt and pressed against the side of my neck. He smiled.

"Well, I got it."

I was about to ask him what the hell he was talking about, but before I could, his fingers pressed harder into my flesh and he kissed me.

Even though the kiss was just what I had been playing out in my dreams, my inner bitch kicked in. I stepped back.

"What's the big idea?" I said hotly. He stepped forward.

"Relax. It's just a kiss."

I snorted. "I just had a snake crawling on me and you think I need a kiss?"

"Do you have a better idea?"

My mouth opened in hot retort, but I seriously couldn't think of anything to say. He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me to his body. It felt nice. He was tall; his shoulders were wide. His hands were huge. I had dated a lot of people who made me feel gigantic. He made me feel sort of balanced.

That was why, when he kissed me again, I didn't complain.

Chapter Eight

Even though Shay put up a little fight, she didn't knee me when I kissed her. After a second, I pressed her to me. Her long hair brushed against my fingertips.

I was still elevated from the rush from the coke and the whole snake incident. I didn't know how everyone else could have just gone back to sleep. I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to party.

Shay tilted her head slightly. At the same time her lips parted. I took that as an invitation. As our kiss deepened, I brought my right hand back around and grabbed her breast.

Real. Big. Hot. I hardened at the thought of just burying my face in them and fucking the shit out of her.

Okay, so that sounds pigheaded. But, no one ever said I was Shakespeare. I pressed my johnson against her body hoping she'd get the memo.

She got the memo. One minute my hand was enjoying the squeezable softness of tits and the next minute I had nothing...except a hard-on.

"What?" I asked dumbly.

"Whatever you think is going to happen, is so not going to happen," she said.

My mouth opened in protest.

"But I'm Nick Carter!" I said.

Shay snorted. "Nice to meet you. I'm a lady. I'm not joining the STD carousel."

Before I could brag about my clear record, she took off towards the girl's camphouse. She was steps away from the door when she turned. My hope rose.

"It's just you and your hand tonight," she sang.

Then she disappeared.

I kicked at the dirt. I tried to think of the last time I had gotten turned down. It was too long ago to remember.

I walked over to Shay's tipped over chaise lounge. I shook out all the blankets cautiously. I didn't want any snake surprise. I pulled the chaise towards the guy's camphouse and stretched out. My body was still demanding an explanation for getting cock-blocked. I walked around the building, entered the camphouse from the back and spent ten minutes dousing myself with cold water. By the time I got back to the chaise, I was feeling better.

Not satisfied, but better.

I had just made myself comfortable and was drifting off for an early morning nap around six thirty when I heard one of those annoying carhorns that played music whenever you beeped it. I opened my eye to see a big RV rolling onto the lot. I groaned.

"No," I whispered.

Luckily, the camera crew had to get out and set up. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. Maybe the show had wised up and decided on a new host. Maybe--

"RISE AND SHINE PHAT CLUB CAMPER!"

I opened my right eye just a crack. I was eye to crotch with Richard Simmons. He bent down and stuck his rag-mopped face up to mine.

"TIME TO MOVE!"

The moment he said it, I heard horns going off in the cabins. There was a girlish shriek from across the way. Richard bounded from me and sprinted towards the girl's house.

"GET DRESSED! GET DRESSED! WE START OUR DAY IN ONE HALF HOUR!"

I threw a blanket over my head.

This wasn't going to be good.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"It's just you and your hand tonight," I sang. I got to the door of the camp house and slid inside. The moment the door closed behind me, all the faux-confidence I had eluded slipped off me like an invisibility cloak.

My lips tingled. Nick Carter was a damn good kisser. And the feel of him hard and pressing against me...

I fanned myself with my hand.

The last time I had gotten any was two years ago. I was in college and I was positive that my boyfriend and I were going to be together for ever.

We never saw each other after graduation.

Ergo, the thought of getting down and dirty with Nick held appeal. A lot of appeal. I was an L.A. girl. L.A. girls didn't rely on morals. They relied on good times.

How the hell did I develop a conscience?

I headed into the bathroom and took a freezing shower. I had just stepped out when a horn began to blare. I was wrapped in a too-small towel and still jittery from the snake thing. I shrieked.

"GOOD MORNING LADIES!"

I shrieked again. Richard Simmons and the camera crew burst through the doors. I ran back into the bathroom hoping that the camera didn't get a shot of my big ass in the process.

"GET DRESSED! GET DRESSED! WE START OUR DAY IN ONE HALF HOUR!"

I heard the distinct sound of Richard's annoying clap and then the door slammed shut. I peeked out. Darra was sitting up in bed looking confused.

"Who let da Smurfs out?"

Everyone ignored her. I walked over to my bunk. I had to smile.

Somehow we had gotten new workout clothes. T-shirts and running pants.

Sometimes bitching paid off.

The four of us moved around each other getting dressed. Darra put on a crapload of makeup. I didn't even bother. I had a feeling I was going to be sweating.

A lot.

Sure enough, the moment we walked out of the camp house I could see the obstacle course that had been erected. I looked at the huge rope wall in disgust and horror. From across the way, the guys lumbered out of their building. Nick caught my eye. I looked away.

"WELCOME TO DAY ONE OF PHAT CAMP!" Richard screeched. Darra wasn't excited anymore. There were no more leg lifts.

"This is the FIRST day of the rest of your LIVES! We're going to get you into shape so you can become PRODUCTIVE members of society!"

"Excuse me?" the judge asked. Richard looked at her. He held out his hand, finger splayed, and began to turn it side-to-side.

"No, I don't mean it that way. I just mean that once this 'weight' has been lifted, the possibilities will be endless!"

He did a little Mexican hat dance, sans hat. It took all my willpower not to run up and chop off his hands.

"We've set up an obstacle course," Richard explained. "Whoever has the best time will win a SPECIAL prize. The team with the lowest combined time will get an extra weight advantage at the next weigh-in! Make this one count!"

I could give you a blow-by-blow of how everyone did, but it would be pointless. The highlights from our team was Darra getting stuck crawling through the tires and me losing my exercise pants trying to scale the wall. There's nothing like a pair of bright pink panties mooning the camera to bring the excitement.

Or the mortification.

"Girl, you done lost your drawers!" Darra said. She came jogging up to me at the end with my pants. I grabbed them and stuck them back on.

"I quit," I said. Darra shook her head.

"You can't quit! If you can't keep your britches on that means you already lost weight. What's your secret?"

"I don't have a secret," I said.

"Yes, you do."

I whirled around. Nick was grinning ear to ear.

"You have a Victoria's Secret."

It was the corniest line I had ever heard. I was hot. I was sweaty. In truth, I was wearing Lane Bryants. The only thing I had going for me was that I had actually shaved my legs. Otherwise the world would have seen a pink-pantied Chewbacca.

"Let's see you try this damn thing," I said. I spat at a sweaty strand of hair. Nick snorted.

"I've done shows with two straight hours of intensive cardio dance. I can handle a little wooden wall."

Darra and I stepped back. The crew was getting the guys into position.

I crossed my arms across my chest. I saw Nick making a big show of stretching out his legs.

Something told me this wasn't going to be good.

And I was going to love it.

Chapter Nine

Shay really thought I couldn't climb a wall. Was she joking? This pansy little course was nothing. As the 'Tough Richards' lined up, I stretched out my leg and glanced at the girls. Shay's arms were crossed; she had a sexy little smirk across her red face. She had looked mortified when she had lost her pants; all I focused on was the pink undies. Yeah, they were bigger panties than I was used to, but I was a panty man no matter what.

Bruce went first. I have never seen a more epic nightmare. He looked like he was going to go into cardiac arrest after the tire jog. I'm sure he could have done better, but Richard was bouncing around him like an annoying gnat trying to give him a pep talk.

"C'mon you can do it! Lift those legs and shine, shine, shine!"

I snorted into my hand. Bruce put on a burst of speed (I think in attempt to get away from the Fruit Loop Fairy). He managed to get as far as the rope wall. Richard finally let him walk around.

Our time was pathetic. It was going to take a real man (hence me) to get us even close to the girl's combined time.

I was the third to go. Wayne hadn't done to bad. Lavell was going to be last.

"Nickolas! Are you ready?" Richard screeched. I spat on the ground and nodded. My palm pressed into my knee. I was in 'running man' position.

"On your mark...get set...go!"

I completed the tires without a problem. Seriously, I have to remember dance steps. Jumping in and out of tires was child's play. I slammed to my belly and wiggled under the ropes. They seemed to get lower and lower as I went. By the time I was almost out, my ass got caught. I reached behind and managed to maneuver my whole body out.

I was a little winded.

The next part was the monkey bars. I grabbed on and reached for the second. I was sweating a little bit. My upper arm strength was crap. When did I lose it? I couldn't remember. My chest hurt. I reached for the third bar...

I slammed into the mud. I lay there for a second feeling gross and humiliated.

"GET UP! YOU CAN DO THIS! A LITTLE SEXY MUD NEVER HURT ANYONE!" Richard bellowed.

Crap. The little dude was getting off on me covered in mud. I scrambled to my feet and flicked mud in all directions. I wiped my hands on the back of Richard's disco ball shirt. I grabbed onto the first rung, stifled every curse that flew to my mouth, and made it across. I think I ripped a muscle in my shoulder doing it, but dammit, I was across.

The next trek was criss-crossing in and out of cones and jumping through a rope grid simultaneously. I made it half-way through without a problem before I landed hard. I felt rocks dig into my knee. Screaming out of pain and anger, I got up and finished it.

The only thing left was a rock wall. I knew even with my fumbles that I had left everyone else's time in the dust. I grabbed onto the rope and gave a little jump. My feet touched wood and slid right to the ground.

What the--

"Upper strength Carter! Show those girls at home what you're made of!"

If it wasn't bad enough that I had just slid down, now I felt like I was being made into a platter of Simmons man meat. I let out a growl and tried again. I went up maybe a foot before sliding back down. I just needed to get to the next knot in the rope and I'd be fine...

I knew Shay was watching. She probably had a wide satisfied smile on her face. I grabbed onto the rope and did a giant leap. My nose smashed into the wall and I went back down. It was on. Like Donkey Kong. I grabbed onto the rope again. I hoisted.

Hands grabbed onto my ass and gave me a push. For a second I thought it was Richard. I grabbed onto the second knot and kept going. Right before I got to the top of the wall I looked down.

It had been Shay.

"Thanks doll," I gasped. I flung myself over the wall.

I landed right in another huge puddle of mud.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"What the hell you doin? You can't help the enemy!" Darra cried.

I felt bad. He looked like a freakin' train wreck out there. He had fallen more times than anyone else. The wall was kicking his ass from here to China. Richard being right on his ass was making it even worse. After the fourth attempt I couldn't take it anymore. I walked over, pressed my hands to his rump, and gave a push.

I watched him scramble to the top. He looked down and gave me a gorgeous smile.

"Thanks doll," he heaved. He flung himself over the wall without grabbing onto the rope on the other side. I buried my head in my hands. I heard the sickly plop as he landed in the huge mud pit. He let out a cry that had almost everyone in tears from laughing so hard.

He crossed the finish line looking like a human Hershey bar. The thought made my stomach growl. If he was covered in chocolate, well...

The kiss from the night before was haunting me. I was hungry, I was dirty, I had just exercised more than I had in years.

And a dirty Nick Carter actually looked hot. He wiped the gooey stuff out of his eyes and headed over to me.

"Don't say it," he said morosely. My eyes widened.

"Say what?"

"I told you so."

"I would never say that," I said.

We both looked straight forward. I could feel the heat from him making the already scorching day hotter. We both watched Lavell finish the course. Surprisingly, he did better than Nick.

It was kind of sad.

"Alright campers gather round!" Richard sang. We all trekked over to him. He gave each of us a bright cheery smile.

"After combining the girls' total time and the boys' total time, it's my honor to announce that the girls' combined time beat the boys' time by thirty seconds. Girls, you'll get an extra weight advantage at the first weigh-in!"

I couldn't help it. I let out a happy giggle. Darra wrapped her arms around me and heaved me up off the ground as she bounced. She let go and we both did a happy dance.

"Gentlemen, as punishment," Richard said in mock-seriousness. "You'll be dismantling the entire course. Girls, get some rest."

Nick's mouth flew open. I couldn't help but feel bad for him. He was in desperate need of a shower. A hot soapy...

I shook my head and backed up. My thoughts...my thoughts were getting bad. I had to distance myself.

"Sorry Nick," I said. "Better luck next time."

He turned to say something, but I whirled around. Darra and I headed straight to the camp house.

"I think the girl who done lost her drawers gets first dib at a shower," Darra announced. The judge and Victora didn't seem like they agreed, but Darra had my back. I quickly slid into the bathroom. I was grateful that Darra and I were at least on the same wavelength. I managed to get some lukewarm water for my troubles. After I got dressed and yanked my wet hair into a ponytail I let Darra go in. I climbed up on my bunk.

"Why'd you have to help Carter?"

I glanced at the judge. Could I do nothing right?

"I was being a good team player," I said.

"He's not on our team," Victoria added. My eyes narrowed.

"I don't think people should get ahead in the world by being self-centered," I said coldly.

The two women shared a look.

"Girl, you're headed for a world of hurt," the judge said. "You're naive."

I scowled. "I'm not naive."

They both snickered. Once again I felt like an intruder in my own room. I scrambled out of the bunk.

It was almost lunch time. I would wait in the mess hall, chomp on a few carrot sticks, and then go endure two hours in the workout room.

After that, I'd have to scout out a snake-free place to sleep.

My time in Dante's Inferno was not going to be over soon enough.

Chapter Ten

I was going to die. After completing the course and then having to take it down, I was pretty sure my balls had disappeared somewhere into my body never to return. I was whipped. I smelled like a pig. I was starving.

I needed a hit.

"Okay guys. Go grab a quick lunch! The girls are already doing the afternoon workout!" Richard ferreted.

Afternoon workout? Hell no.

"Carter should get showers first," Lavell announced. No one disagreed with him.

I took off my sneakers outside the camphouse and made a beeline for the shower. It's pretty sad when you even have dried mud on your johnson. That's how grossly filthy I was. I was even too sore and tired to fantasize about girly panties while cleaning off. I did my thing, got dressed, and headed right to the mess hall.

I don't know what I was expecting. It wasn't like they had steak and fries waiting. I got a salad, a fruit cup, and a teeny tiny chicken breast that I could have swallowed in one bite. I finished in about three minutes, way before anyone else even got to the table.

I sat there for all of thirty seconds. I knew I couldn't get any more food. The food Nazis were eyeing me as if they were on to me. Instead, I threw me crap away and headed for the camphouse.

There was no way in hell I was working out after all I had been through. I was going to get some sleep. I was going to sleep until dinner. I was---

I was suddenly in the story with those three bears and that Goldy girl because someone was sleeping in my bed. Shay was cuddled up under my thin Tampa Bay Bucs blanket, her lips parted, fast asleep. I looked around. Everyone else was eating and going to work out. I glanced back at Shay and licked my lips.

Well, if you can't beat em...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was in heaven. I had never slept so well in all my life. I felt like I was sleeping on feathers with a big soft teddy bear cushioning my body. I didn't think it had been this comfortable when I had gone to sleep...

My eyes opened slowly. I didn't know how long I had been asleep. I--I wasn't alone. The big soft teddy bear was another human body. I almost screamed, but before I could, I realized who it was.

Nick.

My breath caught in my throat. We were sandwiched together under his blanket in his little bunk. My chest was smashed to his chest. I felt licks of heat travel south.

Had I really been sleeping that soundly?

I closed my eyes thinking I could go back to sleep, but my mind and senses were working at an alarming rate of speed.

How was I going to get up without waking him up? He obviously had caught me in his bunk, but he hadn't kicked me out. We were body to body...oh. my. gawd.

My eyes were still closed and I was still guiltily relishing the amazing feeling when I felt his hand slide up between our bodies. His palm pressed underneath my breast; his long fingers curled up to brush against my nipple. I gasped.

"Nick?" I asked.

"I'm still asleep," he mumbled with his eyes closed. "Pay no attention to me."

I licked my lips. "That's hard to do when your fingers..."

He pinched my nipple and I moaned. The moan disappeared when he kissed me. His tongue went right back to where it had been the night before, hungrily searching my mouth, warming it up with his own heady scent. My arm draped over him and I slid my hand under his shirt. I ran my nails down his spine. He let out a little growl, scooting closer. I was enclosed between Nick and the wall.

I wasn't going anywhere and I really didn't care.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Goldy was enjoying her little rendevous with Papa Bear. I wasn't sure who Mama Bear was, but at the moment I didn't really care. I had just slipped Shay's top off and I was in heaven. My mouth sucked in the supple skin of her breasts. They were big; they were real. Yeah, she had a stomach to her, but I could ignore that with what was on top. Plus, her fingers were making long sexy trails down my back.

I know I said I was exhausted, but seeing her in my bed had totally woken up my libido. I thrusted towards hoping the feel on my johnson would get her going. It worked like a charm; her hips arched towards me. Her hand went down and grabbed my ass. Her moans kept me going; I kept my mouth on her boobs and slid another hand down her shorts. She was totally wet for me.

Score.

I've got to admit, I'm a pro at having sex in small spaces. I can't even remember how many girls went 'round the world with me on our tour busses. Needless to say, I had her out of her shorts and panties in no time flat. She clumsily tugged up my shirt. I ducked my head and helped her get it off. I paused in my play while her hands shakily slid down my shorts and her fingers wrapped around my cock.

"Yeah baby," I whispered as I rubbed up and down her side. Girls always told me my 'baby's' were hot.

Her fingers started a rhythmic stroking motion. I closed my eyes and savored the feel. I could already feel myself getting slick. I was horrified at doing something idiotic like coming prematurely. I yanked my shorts off, grabbed her hands and pinned her back against the cement wall.

The bunk shook slightly. Her leg wrapped around me, her soft thighs pressing tightly.

"Nick," she whispered. I nibbled her bottom lip and stared into her eyes. They were completely smoky; she looked drunk.

Drunk off Carter, ha.

I took it as my invitation. I entered her hard and fast. She let out a little cry that was pleasure, not pain. Her hands grabbed at my hair and tugged.

Oh yeah.

After a few amazing, crazy moments, I slowed down. Her lips were slick from where I had run my tongue over them. She nipped my chin and kissed me like crazy. I slowly rolled over onto my back; my hands pressed into her soft waist.

"Ride me," I gasped.

She looked surprised for a moment, but then she started to grind. She felt awesome around me. She wasn't one of those whiny girls; she seemed to enjoy the gift I was sporting. My hands slid up to her breasts. I could feel the momentum building; her muscles were contracting and...

"Oooohhhhhhhh," I gargled. I pushed my hips up as she pressed down on me. I felt the sweet release mix together. I was still holding onto her boobs like anchors. She slid down on me and wrapped her arms around my neck.

Damn, I had needed that. It put the whole crappy morning into perspective. Looking back, I should have probably wrapped myself up before, but I wasn't too concerned.

Shay seemed like the type of be a pill-Nazi. She--

She was fuckin' crying.

Chapter Eleven

I was fuckin' crying. I couldn't help it. It had been too long and even when I had been getting some it hadn't been...been like this.

Holy smokes. Carter lived up to his reputation.

I wanted to do it again. Was that bad? That I wanted to do it again?

"Are you okay?" Nick asked uncertainly.

I looked at him. I had only known him for....well, I didn't want to do the math to count up the hours. Yeah, it wasn't long. And yeah, I didn't really give a fuck.

"I'm sorry," I said feebly. I brushed the tears from my eyes.

"Did I hurt you?"

I laughed. Hurt? Quite the opposite. I wanted him back in me.

"No, it was...great."

His arms wrapped around me; he grinned and wiggled his hips. I felt like someone was setting my body on fire with matches. I reached down and stroked him again.

"Again?" he asked in surprise. I felt guilty, but only a little. I nodded. He smiled.

"Play with me baby. Rev me up," he encouraged.

He didn't take long to 'rev' up. His hands were back on me; they felt amazing caressing my skin. He didn't seem to care that I was all boobs and belly. I don't think he got past the 'boobs' part. He grabbed me and rolled until I was on my back on the mattress this time. His weight pressed pleasantly onto me. I got another handful of the ass that I had touched so many times today.

My body jolted to life as he entered me again. I figured I could so totally become a nymphomaniac where he was concerned. I tilted my head back; his lips connected with my throat and he sucked greedily, eliciting a string of whispered curses from me.

"I want to get you on all fours," he whispered darkly. The way he was talking, he could have told me to jump off a bridge and I would do it. "I want you to be my dirty--"

The sound of the door creaking open stopped his speech.

"Nickolas, the workout genie needs you--"

Just the sound of that high squeaky voice caused both of our libidos to disappear. Richard stared at us wide-eyed as if he had never seen a man and woman getting it on before.

But then again...

"Oops!" He burst into a giggling fit. He started backing up; then he took off out of the cabin at a run.

"Will he send the cameras in here?" I asked dumbly. Nick sat up, leaned forward (I got a great view of his backside) and hopped into his shorts. He handed me my shirt.

"I don't know," he said. His face was red. "But let's not take that chance."

We both quickly got dressed. He looked at me; I looked at him. He leaned forward and kissed me passionately.

"You're amazing," he said.

I felt my confidence burst through the ceiling.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was mortified. Richard fuckin' Simmons had come bursting in like no tomorrow while I was trying to get my groove on. Talk about a total dick deflator. Just seeing that man made me instantly celibate.

Shay was fuck-flushed. She stared at me with big doe eyes. I kissed her passionately, blurted out the first thing that came to mind, and ran a hand down my face. I felt better now that I had gotten release. The whole 'more cushion for the pushing' thing hadn't been far off. I licked my lips nervously.

"We better go work out," she said.

I laughed increduously. "I'm not going to work out." I smiled. "I think we already worked out."

She giggled. "I guess you're right."

"Let's go grab dinner," I said. "We'll be alone for a little longer."

She nodded happily. We headed out of the camphouse and to the mess hall. After a pathetic supper that rivaled lunch, we strolled around outside.

"How many more snakes do you think are out here?" she asked nervously.

"Dunno," I said. She took my hand. I glanced around. I didn't see any cameras.

"Yo, Shay!"

We both turned. I dropped her hand. Darra came running up to us.

"We're having a bonfire tonight. Where you been?"

Darra looked at me and grinned.

"Da-omn girl," she said. She punched Shay's shoulder and took off. I closed my eyes.

"Do you think everyone knows?" I asked.

I know it sounds bad, but now that my mind was clearing, I was feeling a tiny bit of regret. I was Nick Carter. I had dated some of the most beautiful women in the world. I was one of Teen People's sexiest people in the world.

And I had just slept with a fat girl. Twice. Well a time and a half. Maybe Richard bursting in hadn't been so bad after all...

If anyone found out (and could prove it), it wasn't going to do a lot for my image once I got back out in the real world. I rubbed my neck nervously.

"Who cares?" Shay said. "It's not like the cameras caught us."

I glanced at her. I detected a sharp edge in her tone. I smiled to defuse the situation.

"You're right. Let's go see if we can at least get some marshmallows for the fire."

She laughed. "Deal."

I smiled. "You go check the mess hall; I'm checking Lavell's bags. I know that man smuggled something in."

Shay gave me a soft kiss to the cheek before running off. I scratched at my abdomen.

What had I done?

I backtracked back to the camphouse. I hadn't lied about checking Lavell's bags, but it wasn't the only reason I wanted a little alone time. I found a couple Hershey bars from Lavell's stash and then I knelt down and rooted around in my suitcase. I slipped my hand down into the secret area I had made and pulled out a little baggy.

I locked myself in the bathroom, cut up a line and took a hit. I knelt down and let the goodness course through my body.

I was Nick Carter. I was God.

Chapter Twelve

I had a gut feeling. Even though he smiled charmingly and was as nice as could be, I felt there was something going on with Nick. When he caught back up with me at the bonfire, he looked jumpy. He was sweating and his eyes were dialated.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He ran a hand through his hair. He hadn't even bothered to comb it since I had grabbed it in fistfuls.

"I'm fine," he said. "Got some chocolate. We're good."

We walked in tandem to where everyone was gathered around the fire. Richard must have gone back to his swank hotel for the evening. I sat down by Darra. Nick sat down by Lavell.

"How was it?" Darra whispered. I blushed.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Girl, you smell like Carter cock," she whispered. I looked at her in mortification.

"What?"

She laughed. "I'm just fuckin' with you. But the look on your face gave it away."

I couldn't help it; Darra made me laugh. "Shut up."

I stretched my legs out. The fire felt nice.

"So how was your punishment boys?" the judge asked. Wayne scowled at her.

"Just wait. You'll get your day," he warned.

"Well if you didn't have Winnie the Pooh on your team..." Victoria said.

Nick scowled. Lavell slapped his back.

"This boy's our secret weapon," he announced. "This here's a freakin' teen idol."

Darra leaned forward. "What the hell did you see in Paris Hilton?"

The look on Nick's face was priceless.

"I don't want to talk about her."

Darra snorted. "You might as well have bought a skinny ass chicken at the market and humped it," she declared.

Everyone laughed. Nick didn't look amused.

"Nick's got a thing for the skinny ones, dontcha Carter?"

Nick glanced over at Lavell. He didn't look at me.

"Yeah, I like arm candy."

He wiped his hand across his hairy lip. Why was he sweating so much?

And what the hell was this about arm candy?

"I dunno," Darra pushed. "I think Nick's got his eye on a real woman."

I blushed. I picked up a stick and twirled it in my hands.

Wayne laughed. "Richard was totally freaked out when he got to the mess hall. He sent the camera crew out. You two getting it on?"

I knew he was addressing me and Nick. I looked up and shook my head.

"No," I said lightly.

"Gurl," Darra said. "I'd deny it if you slept with the fairy, but Carter? I'd do Carter."

Darra winked at Nick. Lavell nudged him.

"Well? Do we have a Phat Camp hookup?"

Nick still didn't look at me. He rocked forward. He seemed to have pent-up energy that wasn't allowing him to sit still.

"No hookup," Nick said. He rubbed his face. "Shay's not my type."

Like I said, my gut feeling had anticipated it, but it didn't hurt any less.

"Why not?" Darra asked hotly.

Nick looked up. He looked at her; not me. His eyes looked funny.

He was on something. I just knew it.

"If she loses fifty pounds then we can talk."

Tears sprang to my eyes. For a moment I forgot about him being on something. Was he putting on an act? And even if he was...did he have to be so...so...

Cruel?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My mouth was working independently of my mind. I could see how upset Shay was getting. But I couldn't stop. I felt antsy. I was sweating. My heart was racing. I was feeling invincible. I was feeling cocky.

I wasn't a pathetic guy that needed to take just what I could get. I could get anyone.

"Shay's beautiful," Darra said. She got up. "You're the ugly one, butt-face."

I stood up. "Listen fatass. Why don't you go put on your ugly ass hank of lace and pretend you're going to get some in the next hundred years?"

Darra slid her huge hoop earrings out of her ears. "That's it. It's on fat-boy."

"Darra," Shay said weakly. I saw a tear slip down her cheek. She ran off.

That was the last thing I saw. Darra tackled me and I was pinned down to the ground. I tried to shield my face, but she was ruthless.

"Woah Tiger," Lavell said. "C'mon baby, get off him. He don't mean nuttin' about it."

"No one messes with my girl!" Darra bellowed.

We rolled around by the fire. Every time I thought I got a leg up, she rolled right back over. She was strong. I even tried to crawl away, but she grabbed my leg and pulled me back. Everyone else grouped around and just gawked at us.

"You need to learn some 'spect," Darra yelled. I was flipped over onto my back. I stared up at her hand which was poised above her head for the attack.

The attack never came. Suddenly, security swept in and pulled Darra off me. I scrambled to my feet.

My heart wouldn't stop racing. I suddenly wasn't feeling good. Why the hell was I feeling like this?

"Thanks," I gasped. Two of the security officers walked over and stood in front of me.

"We need to ask you to leave," one of them said quietly.

My eyes widened in surprise. "Leave, why?"

"I think you know why."

"I didn't do anything to her!" I protested.

They grabbed my elbows and hauled me back to the camphouse. They walked me right up to my open bag.

My secret compartment was wide open.

"Fuck," I said.

All I could think about was going to jail. I already had a mugshot; I didn't need another one.

"The producers don't want to get you in any trouble," one of the guys said. "We just need you to leave."

"You got lucky," the other guy said. "I'm sure they'll use the thing with Darra as your reason for leaving."

I knelt down and closed my suitcase. I felt like I was going to pass out. In the back of my mind I think I realized that my heart was racing because of the coke.

I stood back up with my bag. As I walked out of the camphouse, the cameras were waiting for my walk of shame. I didn't say anything; a car was already waiting. I slid inside.

Before the door closed, I saw Shay off to the side. She had her arms crossed over her chest. Her face was a shroud of disappointment.

And just like that, it hit me. The bag raid hadn't been an accident. My words must have hurt her so much that she went to my bunk out of anger. I slammed back into the seat.

So, she had found a way to get rid of me. Good riddance. I was getting away from goddamn Richard Simmons. I was getting away from one big, fat mistake.

I was going to get clean; I was going to get my damn heart checked out.

And I was going to find a smoking hot woman to make me feel good again.

I was going to take the knowledge that I fucked a fat chick to the grave with me.

It was my little secret.

Chapter Thirteen

-- 2010 --

"Who told Oprah that a morning taping would work?" I called out.

No one answered. I turned around. Kev just smiled from his makeup chair.

"You never change do you?"

"Well I wouldn't say never," I said.

It was like old times...well for a few more hours at least. It was a chilly October morning. The five of us were back together for the first time in a couple years at least.

Oprah was a miracle-maker.

"Okay, I take it back. You have changed. You can tuck your shirt in now."

I scowled but I had secretly missed Kev's good-natured ribbing.

"Lauren makes sure I don't slip," I said. I hopped out of the chair.

Even though Lauren did keep me on the straight and narrow, she didn't have a lot to worry about. I didn't want to slip; I had never felt better. After years of greasy food, drugs, alcohol and my heart scare, I had turned it all around. I mean, I enjoyed a bottle of beer every now and then, but I was never going back to the way I was.

I didn't like that guy.

"Are we making the NKOTBSB announcement today?" Bri called out. Howie turned around in his chair.

James looked up from the cloth book he was holding.

"Not yet. We're waiting on one more thing."

Kev didn't say anything; even though he was here today, he wasn't on our page anymore. He was doing his movie thing; he was more relaxed than I had ever seen him.

"Will we be ready by the time this airs? One of the staff members wants to know so they can schedule Oprah to record a clip later on," AJ called out.

"I'll double-check. Hold on," How said. He whirled back around.

"You're all set," my stylist said. I was dressed, caked, and ready to roll. I tugged at my vest.

"I'm going to get some coffee. You want coffee?" I asked Kev. He nodded.

"Black."

Of course he did. I still had to have at least one creamer and a spoonful of sugar. I headed into the hall.

The coffee pot was surrounded by sugar donuts and muffins. I picked up an apple and tossed it into the air.

As I did so, I saw me run past. I caught the apple and held it aloft.

Okay, so it wasn't me. I knew that; I wasn't delusional. But the little kid that stopped and looked up at the counter looked just like me. He reached his arm up for a donut. There was no way the little dude was reaching the goodies. His blue eyes looked up at me pleadingly.

"You want one of these?" I asked. He nodded.

I pointed. "This one?"

He shook his head no.

"This one?"

He shook his head again.

The resemblance was freaking me out. I had no idea who the kid belonged to. I looked around, but I didn't see a parent anywhere. I pointed to a chocolate donut with sprinkles.

"This one?"

He broke into a smile.

Goddamnit it was my smile.

I put the apple down, put the donut on a napkin and squatted down next to him.

"What's your name?"

He grabbed onto the napkin. He suddenly seemed to realize that he was ridin' solo, but he struggled to act tough. He shrugged. I smiled.

"You don't have a name? My name's Nick."

"JACOB! JAKE!"

The voice sounded frantic and raspy. A pair of sneakers rounded the corner. The owner of the shoes coughed up half a lung as she tried to catch her breath. Her nose was red and raw.

"MOMMY!"

The boy held onto his donut as he ran right to her. I stood up slowly. My eyes locked onto hers.

"Hello Shay," I said slowly.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I couldn't believe my bad luck. All I had tried to do was stop by Harpo Studios to get some things so I could work from home while I battled the damn flu. Jake was always running nilly-willy around the studio, but how in the world had he managed to find the one person I never wanted to see again?

"Hello Shay," Nick said slowly.

Jake was getting chocolate frosting on my sweat pants, but I didn't care. I could barely breathe.

The antibiotics the doctor had given me hadn't kicked in yet. Nick Carter, a bazillion pounds lighter than I remembered him was staring at me.

And his son was staring at the both of us.

"I got a doooo-nut," Jake sang. He stuffed a huge hunk in his mouth, let my leg go, and plopped on my shoe.

My tongue was literally tied in my mouth. Nick looked back down and then up at me. He looked like he had been punched in the gut.

If I was feeling better, I probably would have done it for real. Or kicked him in the nuts. Either way, he deserved it.

"What are you doing here?" I rasped.

Nick tugged on his vest. "We're doing Oprah's Teen Idol episode today," he explained.

I had totally forgotten about the Teen Idols thing. I had missed all of the meetings on it; I didn't even know who was supposed to perform. Hell, I wasn't even supposed to be here.

"Mommy, are we gooooo-ing?" Jake asked. He put a couple more chocolate fingerprints on my pants. I patted down a few stray blonde hairs.

"In a minute," I said quietly.

"How old is he?"

I looked back at Nick. I felt trapped. He would have had to been totally blind not to see...

"He turned three a couple months ago," I said.

"I'm three and a lot," Jake said seriously. He took another bite of donut. A huge frosted clump with red sprinkles plopped onto his Diego shirt. He pulled at his shirt and tried to lick it off.

A sneezing fit hit me hard. I buried my face into my sweatshirt and gave into it. I made sure I wasn't dripping snot when I looked up again.

"We better get going," I said. The words were bitter, but they still came out. "You're looking great," I added. I held out my hand. Jake grabbed onto it tightly.

"Shay--" Nick said.

I didn't give him a chance to say anything. I weighed 175 pounds. I was a single mom. I had a huge hunk of phlegm stuck in my throat. My baby-sitter was on Spring Break in Florida. I had to go home and give Jake a bath and pray he didn't get sick again. I had gotten the bug from him the first time around.

The last thing I had time to worry about was Nick Carter.

Chapter Fourteen

He turned three a couple months ago. It was October of 2010. We had filmed that unmentionable thing in late 2006. It took nine months to cook a kid...

Damnit. Crap. Shit. As if his looks weren't already a dead give away.

Shay had lost weight. She looked really good; well, except for the coughing and the sneezing and junk.

Wait...what was I thinking? I had bigger problems than how she looked.

I sat down in a chair by the coffee pot and exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding. My chest hurt, but this time for a totally different reason than it had four years ago.

"Did you forget how to pour coffee?" Kev asked. His hand wrapped around my shoulder. I jumped.

"What's wrong?"

What could I say? I hadn't told the guys about my horrible stint on that weight loss show. It never aired. I guess the public didn't want to endure Richard Simmons any more than we did. It was part of my totally dirty past that I wanted to forget.

Now I couldn't forget it. I had a lasting reminder that was going to be walking the earth long after I died.

Jake. Jacob. I had a son. My palms started to sweat.

"Are you sick?"

I shook my head. "N--no. Not sick."

"Hey, it's almost time to go on!" Bri called. Baylee flew past me on one of those razor scooters. His foot hit the ground, pumped hard, and away he went. He was like a mini-Brian. A Brian that still had a full head of hair.

Then there was James. He was totally beginning to look like Howie, especially when the two of them were both angry.

And Mason was blonde, but the brows totally linked him forever and ever to Kev.

Now I had added to the next generation. Hell, I had been the second one to become a dad and I hadn't even realized it. The egg whites I had for breakfast were threatening to come back up.

"Let's go," Howie said. I stood up; Kev was still looking at me with concern. I gave him a weak smile.

"I'm fine," I said. "Just nervous. I don't want to look bad in front of you."

Kev's green eyes danced. "One thing you've never done is looked bad on stage," he said.

That meant a lot. I really wanted to tell him the truth; I figured he'd have some words of wisdom for me.

Either that, or he would just kick my ass.

I was thinking the ass-kicking would probably come first.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Arms up."

Jake's sticky hands flew above his head. I yanked at the shirt. He let out a laugh and stomped in place. I sniffled up my nasal drip and grabbed a washcloth. I ran it over each little finger and then across his gooey face.

"The donut was gooder," he explained. I couldn't help but smile.

"I see that," I said. I yanked open his drawer and pulled out another shirt. His arms flew back up above his head. His blonde head disappeared for a second; his blue eyes sparkled once I tugged the shirt down.

"Mommy still sick?" he guessed. I nodded.

"Yeah, buddy," I said. He placed his hand to my forehead. I wanted to cover him in kisses, but I didn't risk passing the germs again.

Chicago was a great place to live; it had been my safe haven ever since that disastrous show. Working for Oprah was perfect. I had wonderful benefits, a semi-flexible schedule.

The only down side was that I didn't trust many people to watch Jacob. I had no one that could come over and watch him while I crawled into bed.

"Mommy sleep," Jake chirped.

"Want to take a nap?" I asked hopefully. He looked like he wanted to say no, but he nodded.

Five minutes later we were in my huge King size bed. Jake had built a pillow fort around his little body. He smacked at them happily. My cheek hit the cool side of my pillow and I couldn't keep my eyes from closing. Little future basketball player feet shot out and pressed against my back.

My thoughts drifted right back to Nick. It was hard not to think of him; our son was a constant reminder. I had prayed for nine months that Jake would come out with dark hair and no visible sign of Carter-itis. Instead, he had come out like a clone.

It didn't make me love Jake any less, but it kept the hurt bubbling right at the surface. Seeing Nick today had only acerbated it. I felt the wounds reopen that I thought had finally begun to scab over.

Nick looked so good...so healthy. As much as I tried not to, it was hard not to keep up with what he was doing. I knew he had a girlfriend...a serious girlfriend. They were total gym buffs. Nick had tried a million different diets. He had flaunted his six-pack abs in a couple magazines. He was traveling the world. He had money...fame...friends. He had gotten his life together.

My life was almost the opposite. I hadn't left Chicago in years. Mom and Francie always came to me; I avoided L.A. like the plague. My apartment wasn't opulent, but it was roomy and in a safe neighborhood. My life revolved around work and Jake. Hell, I had spent over a year getting my little guy potty trained. I lived off Ramen noodles and Fresco tacos from Taco Bell. The word gym was still like a curse in my book.

My life was a work in progress.

The look of surprise on Nick's face was etched into my brain. I figured his opinion of me hadn't changed. I had been a desperation fuck. It had been a moment of drugged-up recklessness for him. I had felt guilty about the whole drug 'rat' for years, but in the end it had worked out well for him. I was sure that even though Nick was smart enough to put two-and-two together, he probably didn't care about Jake's existence. Who knew how many other children he had around the world?

Jake was better off without him. He was such a sweet boy. He might look like his dad, but I sure as hell didn't want him to start acting like him.

My son was going to grow up to respect women.

Chapter Fifteen

"I'm going to be delayed. There's a little issue that came up."

"A little issue? Everything okay?"

It seriously depended on what Lauren's definition of 'okay' was. I studied the potted plant that was sitting on a glass table in my hotel room.

I didn't know how to answer. I knew the right thing to do was just to tell her the whole story. My 'right thing' meter was broken.

"It's fine. I just have a little more business to tackle. Then I'll be home."

Home was, believe it or not, currently Tennessee. I was working my ass off to finish my solo album, record new material for BSB, and get ready for the whole NKOTBSB tour thing.

I was working harder than I ever had before. I knew in the end I would reap the reward.

"Okay, but we're still going to L.A. for Halloween, right?"

I smiled. I fuckin' loved Halloween. It was like Christmas for me.

"Absolutely. Love ya, Kitty."

"Love you too, Nick," she said with an airy laugh.

I hung up and tossed my phone on the bed. I continued my pacing.

Jacob. Jake. Did he have my last name?

I sank down in a corner chair and leaned forward. Children were so not in my equation on life. That's why Lauren was so perfect for me. She wasn't one of those girls that expected the ring, the dress, the 3.5 kids...

We were just Nick and Lauren. That was enough. We didn't have any major responsibilities outside of our careers. That was the key to our success. I had never dated someone as long as I had dated Lauren.

What the hell was she going to do once she found out I had a kid?

I couldn't get the little guy or Shay out of my mind. My moral code was keeping me from flying out of Chicago without tracking them down. I propelled myself out of the chair and towards the bed.

I needed to make a few phone calls. If there was one major plus to fame, it was the connections.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Do you want scrambled eggs or cereal?" I asked. I gave the air a tentative sniff. My nasal Niagara Falls was finally drying up.

"Cee-e-al!" Jacob announced. He picked up his spoon and banged it on the table.

"What's the magic word?" I asked.

"Cap'n Crunch!" he squealed. I bit the inside of my cheek.

"Jacob, what do we say?"

He held his spoon aloft. "PEAS!"

I nodded. "Very good." The cereal pieces made a loud clatter in the empty bowl. I poured in enough milk to coat the flakes, but not enough to cause a tidal wave on my kitchen table, and set the bowl down in front of him.

I was feeling better, but not great. I figured one more day around the house was enough to prepare me to go back to work. Jake loved the on-site daycare. It was going to have to do unti my babysitter got back.

"Jake, I'm going to go take a shower," I said. "You don't leave this kitchen table, okay?"

He held onto his spoon with his entire fist. He had his mouth full, but he nodded. I checked that the security chain was fastened and the deadbolt was on before I went into the bathroom.

I was terrified of something happening to Jake. Call it over-protectiveness, but I knew first-hand that the world was cruel. Things could change in just seconds. I couldn't lose my one reason for living.

I tore off my old sweats that I had worn for the past day and a half and stepped under the shower spray. I had almost forgotten how good the cascading water felt. I closed my eyes and pretended I was on a tropical island somewhere instead of windy Chi-town. Jake could build sandcastles by the water while I lounged with a frozen margarita in hand and...

"Mommy the door is knock-ering!"

My eyes flew open. I turned off the spray and grabbed a towel.

"Just a minute sweetie! Don't try to open the door!"

I tried to multi-task. I swiped at my body to soak up the water and grabbed my shirt. I flung it over my head and wrapped the towel around my waist. There was no way I was putting 36-hour old underwear back on. I opened the door and walked quickly towards the front door.

Someone was still 'knocker-ing.' I pressed my eye to the peephole. I gasped.

"Shay?" a muffled voice called out.

"The door knows your name!" Jacob said in amazement.

The door didn't know my name, but Nick Carter did. I looked down.

"Just a---just a minute!" I called out.

I turned and ran back to my bedroom.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It felt like I had been in the hall forever. The apartment complex itself was fairly decent, but three of Shay's neighbors had already passed me and given me a look.

"Hey door! How do you know mommy's name?"

Two little fingers shoved their way underneath the door. The fact that the little guy thought the door was talking was without a doubt, as the guys would say, a 'Nick-ism.'

"I'm not the door," I called out. "I gave you a donut yesterday," I said. It was a lame description, but I figured it was better than saying 'I'm your dad. I fucked the shit out of your mom four years ago, killed a million brain cells doing Coke, called your mom a fatass, and totally didn't know you existed.'

It was the truth, but it was a damn harsh truth.

"Did you bring me another dooo-nut?" Jake squealed.

Cripes. I had screwed up again. What kind of guy mentions a donut to a kid without having one in hand just in case?

It was perfect proof why I shouldn't be a dad. I--

The door swung open. Jake's blonde head peeked between Shay's legs. She was wearing a long purple turtleneck tunic and gray leggings. Jake pulled at the spandex material and smiled as it slapped back against her leg.

"No doo-nut!" he complained.

"Jake, you just had breakfast," Shay said patiently. She twirled around and scooped him up. When she turned around she had her game face on.

"What do you want?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Nick stood there with a 'deer in the headlights' look on his face. He took one step in, then another. When he was sufficiently inside the apartment, I swung the door closed.

"I needed to talk to you," he finally said.

I knew that was the reason he was here. Jake's arms wrapped around my neck.

"Just a minute. I--need to--" I started to say.

Nick nodded. His tall, muscular frame cleared the space from the hall to the living room in no time. He sank down on the couch. Jake's foot connected with the softness of my stomach. He wiggled in my arms.

I knew I was going to regret the next thing I said, but it was my only surefire way to keep Jake distracted while Nick and I talked.

"Wanna fingerpaint, buddy?"

Jake's eyes lit up. "YEAH!"

Five minutes later Jake was in his room, slapping across the floor on plastic tablecloths with dishes full of fingerpaint and large pieces of white paper. I prayed that nothing got on the carpet; I knew it was a prayer that wouldn't be answered. I could have ScotchGuarded the entire house and he would have found the one spot I had missed. Even so, I left Jake's bedroom door opened just a crack and made my way into the living room. Nick was still there. I had foolishly hoped he might have chickened out. I sat down in the rocking chair mom had given me at my baby shower. I couldn't even begin to count the number of hours I had spent in the chair rocking Jake as he mercilessly cried. I looked over at Nick.

"First off," he began. "I'm sorry."

I snorted. His words sounded sincere but...

"What part are you sorry for? Are you sorry for sleeping with me?" I asked quietly. Nick opened his mouth, but I didn't give him a chance to defend himself. "Are you sorry you called me a fatass?" He winced. "Are you sorry that you're such a manwhore that you go around giving women chlamydia?"

I had him at that one. He leaned back like I had punched him.

I blinked back stupid, fooish tears. Just the sight of him was bringing all the memories back.

At that exact moment, I hated Nick Carter.

Chapter Fifteen

Crap. I had totally forgotten about having chlamydia. That had been a leftover gift from Paris. Did I mention how hellacious that time was in my life?

"I'm sorry," I said again. "I didn't know. The drugs were really fucking me up. I didn't know what I was doing or saying half the time."

Shay didn't look like she was buying it. She folded her arms and rocked forward.

"I know I said some horrible things that night. I had just done a hit and I was jacked up and everyone was questioning us..."

"And you had to protect your rep," she summed up. "Almighty Nick Carter didn't want a fat chick on his record."

I winced. It sounded worse coming from her. "I know I said that and I might have meant it at the time, but I'm ashamed--"

"Nick, it's okay." Her voice got softer. I relaxed. I didn't like being the main target of a firing squad.

"Really?" I asked.

She leaned back and nodded. "As far as I'm concerned, you were just a sperm donor. No harm, no foul. I'm doing fine. Jake's a normal, active, smart kid. You're happy, I'm happy. That's it. The end."

I frowned. The end? What did she think this was, some Disney fairytale?

"It's not the simple," I said awkwardly. "Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?"

Her forehead knitted in frustration. "You had bigger problems to tackle back then, didn't you?" she asked.

She was right. But still...

"I kinda deserved to know. You miss a lot in three years," I said.

"Don't worry about it," she said sharply.

My palms were sweating again. I wiped them on my jeans. My head was starting to pound. This trip to Chicago was supposed to have been just a simple wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am thing. Now it was like the Apocalypse had come.

"I'm going to worry about it," I shot back. "I have rights."

I could tell by her face that those words scared the crap out of her.

"You have nothing. What happened was a big mistake. My mistake. You look like you're doing a lot better now. I'm totally over it; I'm happy. Now if you'll just go back to doing whatever you're doing--"

"Doesn't he wonder where his dad is?" I asked.

I knew it was a big leap in subject. Her lips clamped together tightly.

I had hit a nerve.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

For the last three or four months, Jake had become obsessed with the whole concept of a dad. He had first noticed something was off at his birthday party. Most of the other kids had mom and dad in tow. All he had was me. I had done a good job of deflecting his questions; I read him a couple of psychiatrist-approved picture books. But he still asked every now and then.

"Jake knows that all families are different," I said lamely.

Nick leaned forward. His eyes were more alert than I had ever seen them before. It was amazing the influence that drugs had over a person. This Nick was on his A-game.

"I don't run from responsibility anymore," he said calmly. "It looks to me like I have a responsibility here."

I licked my lips. I almost wanted jackass, dipwad, scum-of-the-earth Nick back in front of me. That guy would have just said 'eh' and headed out for another fix.

"I take full responsibility for my son," I said.

"Moooo-mmmmyyyy!"

Jake ran straight to the rocker. His fingers were every color of the rainbow. He held up a soggy piece of paper.

"Looky!"

He was into drawing people lately. Of course, the people looked like potatoes with sticks coming out of their bottoms and sides, but they were still people. I smiled.

"That looks great!"

Jake beamed. He took his pointer finger (covered in blue), and tapped a potato. "This is me," he said in his adorable high baby voice.

I pointed to a circle hanging off of one of the sticks. "What's this?"

"That's my doo-nut," he explained. He gave me a look that screamed 'duh.' He tapped another potato with his pinky finger (covered in red). "This is you, mommy," he explained. "I draweded your snot."

Sure enough there was a big squiggle of green dripping out of the center of the potato. He didn't miss a thing. He took his finger and pointed to a GIANT potato that was taking up most of the page. He looked up at Nick. "This is you!" he declared.

Nick slid down onto the ground. He took the soggy picture. Jake touched his arm and Nick was instantly covered in every single color of finger paint imaginable. "I tried to draweded an apple, but I ran out of red," Jake said apologetically.

Nick laughed. He seemed oblivious to the paint. "You have a really good memory Jake."

My little man beamed. He sat down and stared up at Nick.

"If you come here again can you bring me a doo-nut?"

I didn't know where the obsession with donuts was coming from. It seemed like Jake latched onto one particular thing every couple of days. Nick ruffled his hair.

"With sprinkles?" he guessed. Jake nodded. He kept staring at Nick.

"My hair is yellow like yours," he announced.

Nick's face contorted. His face had thinned out so that the lines were even more prominent when he frowned or smiled. He almost looked like he was...going to cry.

"It is, isn't it?" Nick said. He put the picture down on his lap. "Do you take good care of your mommy?" he asked, his voice thick. Jacob wiggled over to me. Before I could stop him, he put both of his painted hands on my brand new leggings.

"My mommy's the bestest," he said. How could I get mad at him when he said things like that? I stood up and took one of his little hands.

"Let's get your hands washed off," I said. Jake walked with me towards the bathroom, but he stopped before we got to the door. He ran back to Nick and tapped the paper.

"You can keep that," he said. "If you wanna."

Nick smiled. "I'd like that," he said softly. "A lot."

Jake ran back to me. I picked him up and put him on the sink. As I wiped off his hands, I felt a strong bubble of unease beginning to grow in the pit of my stomach.

I had been hurt by the man sitting in my living room once before. Now that he knew about Jake, he had ammunition to hurt me all over again. I knew I didn't do the right thing when I didn't even try to contact him. Part of me hadn't told Nick about Jake because I was angry. The other part didn't tell because I wanted to be selfish. I wanted someone in the world to need me more than anyone else. That was Jake's job: to need me.

And If Carter took that away from me...

He would kill me.

Chapter Seventeen

I stared at the picture in my hands. I knew I had fingerpaints all over me, but I didn't really care. I was trying hard not to cry. Jake was adorable. I could hear him talking a mile a minute to Shay in the bathroom.

If donuts could seriously turn back time, I would buy a million of them for a do-over. I wiped my face with the back of my hand. This was almost too much to take.

I heard a crinkle of plastic, an exclamation, and a squeaky 'sorry!' There was never a loud voice. If he was in trouble, he was being told why without getting screamed at. Shay was a good mom.

A few minutes later the two of them came back. Jake bounced over to me and looked up. His face seemed to ooze curiousity.

"I pee on Cheerios!" he announced proudly. "Do you?"

Damn. I felt like I was being faced with my first test. Shay looked at me expectantly.

"I'm not very good at it," I said "Are you?"

Jake's face broke into an amused smile. He stomped his feet back and forth as if he was revving himself up. "YEAH!"

Before I could say anything else, Shay started to sneeze again. She whirled around, grabbed a box of Kleenex off the table, and buried her face.

"BLESS YOU! BLESS YOU! BLESS YOU! BLESS YOU! BLESS YOU!"

Jake was like a broken record. Once Shay finally stopped sneezing, she sank into the couch. It wasn't even lunchtime and she looked exhausted.

"Why don't you get some rest or something?" I said. She looked at me increduously.

"It's not that easy," she said. Her eyes went right to Jake. He was holding the TV remote, pressing buttons like a madman. The TV flicked to life and he fist pummeled the air.

"I can watch him," I blurted out.

We stared at each other. I was prepared for Shay to tell me to go to hell. Instead, she began sneezing again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I had been so hopeful that my leaky faucet of a nose was drying up. Instead, I was expelling disgusting amounts of snot and running short on Kleenex. I needed to get back to work. I needed sleep.

The question was whether or not I trusted Nick to watch after Jake. A totally irrational part of me thought he might just scoop Jake up and take off. The more rational part of me was just worried he wouldn't be able to handle my rambunctuous three year old.

"I dunno..."

"Hey, he's already got the TV on. We'll just watch TV. I can make a peanut butter sandwich without burning the place down. You look real sick," Nick finished.

I would have laughed except for the fact that the gross stuff was making its way back to my chest. I didn't want to spend another day coughing so hard my ribs threatened to break.

"Fine," I said. "But--"

"But what? Go to bed."

Nick sat down on the floor by Jake. I was reminded of that scene in Forest Gump where Forest sat next to Little Forest. I slapped the side of my face; I was drunk on cough syrup. That could be the only reason why my mind was acting so wonky.

"Can I watch this with you?" Nick asked. Jake wiggled over to Nick so that his tush was on Nick's knee. He pointed to the TV and started explaining the finer points of Bob the Builder.

I gave up. I went to bed.

I told myself I wasn't going to sleep; I was only going to lie down. That way I could hear if the front door opened. I made sure my baseball bat was near the bed. I'd beat Nick Carter down if he tried anything dumb.

But, the moment I crawled into bed, the softness got to me. I tore off my turtleneck and paint splattered leggings. I got into an oversize nightshirt that fifty year old women wore and ended up falling fast asleep.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Can we fix it? Yes we can!"

Jake was all over the place. He had started off sitting on my knee. Then he had sprawled out on the floor in front of me. Now he was hopping around like he was a kangaroo.

"That's a dump truck," he announced.

I was getting tensed up sitting 'criss-cross applesauce' like Jake had instructed. I sprawled my legs out in front of me. Jake looked over in surprise. A second later he was doing the same. He looked down and started poking at his crotch.

"What's up?" I asked.

"Nuttin. I just gotta poke."

I wasn't sure about the rules with three year olds and touching themselves.

"Do you have to pee?"

"Nope!"

Jake poked a few more times and then obviously got bored. He stared back up at the TV. His feet swung back and forth.

"Where's your kids?" he asked.

I have to admit, I was getting kinda engrossed on the goings-on in Sunflower Valley. I needed Bob to come over to my house and fix all the shit the realtor never told me about. Jake's question seemed to come outta nowhere.

"My kids?" I said. "I don't--" I stopped. I couldn't tell him I didn't have kids, because obviously I did. Think Nick, think...

"I don't have anyone for you to play with," I said. Ah-ha!

Jake sat up. 'Bob' went to commercial. "Are you my daddy?"

Shit. I glanced all around as if looking for somebody to help me. Jake's hands pressed against my shoulders and he leaned into my face. I always wondered what my eyes looked like; now I knew.

"I've got to pee," I said. I stood up. Jake started to giggle. He ran off. I followed him into the kitchen. He yanked a huge pantry door open and gave me a box of Cheerios.

"For good luck," he said seriously.

Feeling like a dipwad, I went to the bathroom with the box. Jake started talking to me through the closed door. I sank down on the toilet lid.

I needed more than luck. I needed how-to books. I needed advice.

More importantly, I needed Shay's permission to tell the little guy the truth. I hadn't been lying when I told her I didn't run from responsibility.

I was half the reason why Jake even existed. I knew Shay hated the ground I walked on, but I needed to step up.

I was Nick Carter. I was only human.

Chapter Eighteen

Something smelled good. Like rice and chicken and spice. My first thought was that I was starving; the second thought was that I could actually smell out of my nose.

My eyes were caked with crust. I rubbed away the gunk and looked around. I was confused. I was asleep so...where was Jake?

Then I remembered. Nick was here. Nick had offered to watch him. I had left my son with the enemy.

I scrambled out of bed. There wasn't anyone in the living room. Had Nick ordered take-out to distract me with delicious smells while he took off with Jake?

I rounded the corner into the kitchen. I blinked in surprise.

The kitchen was clean. Jake was eating little cut up carrots and peas and other things he always refused to eat when I gave them to him. He was reading Go Dog Go, a book he had long ago memorized. He stabbed the page with his fork whenever he wanted Nick to turn the page.

I must have made a noise because Nick looked up. He smiled.

"Feeling better?"

I nodded dumbly. He had cooked. He had cleaned up after himself. There was a plate left out that was probably mine. It was very...domestic.

"I'm eatin' superhewo food!" Jake said excitedly. Nick smirked.

"Sit down. I saved you a plate," Nick said. I grabbed the plate and sat down.

"You sleeped a long time," Jake said. He stuffed a huge chunk of chicken in his mouth. After he swallowed he reached in and wiggled the loose tooth that had been annoying him for weeks. I glanced at the clock; it was almost six.

"Don't you need to go home?" I asked Nick. I knew I sounded like a bitch; I didn't even say thank you for the dinner that filled my mouth with delicious flavors.

Nick wiped his mouth. "Can I talk to you a minute?"

I didn't like the sound of that. I got up slowly. Jake continued to eat, oblivious to it all. He turned another page in his book. Nick and I walked into the living room. I folded my arms and waited for the bomb to drop.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Shay was wearing a shapeless nightgown and her hair was sticking out in crazy directions. She had gotten a perm since the last time I had seen her; it had looked nice before she went to bed. I followed her into the living room; she turned around and folded her arms. She didn't say a word.

"I want to tell Jake I'm his dad," I whispered. Her eyes narrowed.

"You've spent six hours around him and now you think that's enough to tip his world upside down?" Shay snapped.

"He's not stupid," I retorted. "He already asked me if I was his dad."

"He asks every man that," Shay said. Her voice cracked.

"How many men come over here?"

Her eyes widened. "That's none of your damn business!"

She had a point; my nostrils flared. I was trying to keep my temper under control.

"I hope you know I'm going to come back again."

Her face was masked with doubt. "Tell you what. When you come back again then we'll tell him."

She seriously didn't think I was going to come back.

"Deal," I said.

We walked back to the kitchen. Jake was done and picking off of Shay's plate.

"I've got to go Jake. Thanks for spending the afternoon with me," I said gently.

"Where's your house?" he asked.

"I have three houses. I live in Florida, California, and Tennessee. I'm going to Tennessee now."

He looked impressed. "My gammy lives in California," he said. "She smells like bees."

I had never smelled a bee, nor did I ever want to get the chance to smell one. The stuff he came up with...

"Can I come back for another visit soon?"

He nodded enthusiastically. I ruffled his hair. Shay didn't say another word. She looked like she was going to cry again. She walked me to the door.

"I'll be back," I repeated. I turned around, but the door greeted me in the face.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Mommy?"

"Yeah Jakey?"

"I liked that chicken."

I smiled. "Me too."

Jake's eyes were getting heavy. "Can he be my dad?" he asked drowsily.

I ran a hand through his hair. It was as soft as a feather.

"Get some sleep, bud," I whispered. "You get to go to preschool tomorrow."

He smiled. I stood up and clicked on his Cars nightlight. I watched his chest rise and fall. After a few minutes I closed the door, leaving just a little crack open in case he needed me.

I walked back into the kitchen, opened the freezer, and pulled out my secret stash of Oreos.

I figured after all I had been through in the last 36 hours, I deserved one. Or five. Or a dozen.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"I need to talk about my business in Chicago."

I walked around a big moving box. Lauren and I had stuff spread out all over the country. This was one-third of our worldly possessions. Lauren looked up from the pile of towels she was amassing outside of the linen closet.

"Bad or good?"

"Depends on how you look at it."

She stopped and looked up. She was a tall, lanky specimen of beautiful lean perfection. She leaned back and her shirt stretched across her perky breasts.

"Okay," she said slowly. I sat down across from her. I took her leg and massaged her calf. Her eyes closed.

"Four years ago I went on a weight loss show," I started. Lauren opened her eyes. I didn't stop long enough for her to ask questions. I just started rambling. I didn't bother painting myself in a good light; Lauren had been around long enough to know I was far from an angel. I was a gassy, foul-mouthed fool. Even though she seemed bothered that I slept with Shay and then verbally ripped her apart, it wasn't until I mentioned the run-in at Oprah and Jake that she sat up straight.

"Nick, are you telling me--"

"I have a son," I said. The words were still foreign, but not totally bitter.

"But you don't want kids," Lauren said.

I splayed my hands out on the ground and leaned forward in a total body stretch. My muscles had tightened while I was talking.

"I know. But he's here and there's nothing that's going to reverse that. He's...he's really cute. His name's Jake; he looks just like me."

Lauren played with the corner of a towel. "Does she want child support or--"

"We didn't talk about that," I said. "I spent the day with him. I dunno, it was really nice. I'm going to see him again."

Lauren looked at me. "Why?"

"Why?" I asked. "Because he's mine."

"You made a mistake. If she's handling it--"

"What if we made a mistake?" I asked. "If you're planning on spending the rest of your life with me, it might happen."

"It won't," she said quickly.

"You don't know that."

She stood up and picked up the towel pile. Her voice was muffled when she spoke.

"If it does, there's a way to fix it before we have to worry about it," she said. "We agreed we're not parent material, Nick. Our life is good. Arrange child support and let's just get on with things."

She walked off. I sat there with my hands wrapped around my toes wondering how she could think it was that simple. I had expected some yelling or freaking out. She acted like I had found of stray puppy.

No, I take that back. If I had found a stray puppy she would have kept it. I had to believe that maybe she was jealous or hurt or something else 'womanly' that I could never decipher.

All I knew was that I was going to keep my promise. I was going to see him again.

Chapter Nineteen

"Hi girl! Hi 'nother girl! Hi!"

Jake clung to my hand as I walked him towards the preschool room. Women left and right were melting in his path. I don't know whether it was his smile, his little polo shirt, or the fact that he kept trying to moonwalk backwards as I was propelling us forward.

"Here we go, buddy," I said. I stopped and pushed open a door with a colorful 'A-B-C' banner.

The amount of noise was right around 'roaring jet plane' level. Jake was totally in his element. He dropped my hand and ran right into the center of the room.

"I'm here! I'm here!" he announced.

I spoke with one of the teachers for a few minutes while Jake figured out what all the others kids were doing. When I was satisfied that my contact information was current and they would call me in a second if they needed me, I found my little blonde cupid by the blocks.

"I'm going to go to work," I said. Jake looked up. "Can't you stay and play?"

My heart melted; I smiled and knelt down. "I wish I could, but I can't. People need my help."

I opened my arms and he ran in for a big hug. He gave me a wet kiss and patted my cheek.

"Take a lot of breaks," he said wisely. I laughed and stood up. Jake's big blue eyes stayed on me until the door closed behind me. I sighed.

This was the hardest part. I would have loved to be a stay at home mom, but that was impossible. All I could do was make sure Jake spent his days in an environment that promoted learning and play.

He was already too smart for his own good.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I woke up the next morning to an empty bed. Lauren had been acting jerky all night. Any time I tried to bring up Jake, she changed the subject. Now my resident-cuddler was leaving me cold.

I got out of bed. The first place I checked was the gym; Lauren sometimes got her workout out of the way first. But the room was empty.

I struck out in the kitchen, studio, and mancave. I headed back up to our room.

Dumbass me never checked our master bathroom. I saw a pair of long, bare legs and a waterfall of hair shielding a pair of shaking shoulders. Damnit, she was crying.

"Laur?"

Her breath caught in her throat. "Not now, Nick."

I ignored her. I walked in and sat on the tub. I leaned down and pushed my face towards hers. She sat up and flipped her hair. Her eyes were completely red-rimmed.

"What did I do?" I asked. I was old enough and wise enough to know that when she cried, nine times out of ten it was something I did. Or said. Or didn't say.

Relationships were fuckin' complicated.

"You're a dad," she said numbly.

"Did it just hit you?" I asked. She nodded. She scooted over on the toilet seat. I took that as an invitation. Half my ass hung in mid-air, but I still managed to squeeze in beside her.

"I'm sorry I said what I said last night," she mumbled. "I just..." she exhaled. "You've gone on millions of trips, but you've never come home and said - surprise! I met my three year old today!"

I wrapped an arm around her slender waist. "Yeah, I know. If it helps, you should have seen my face when he ran by me. I thought I was hallucinating."

Lauren's pretty eyes looked up into mine. "He looks that much like you?"

I nodded. "He does. The hair, the eyes, his inability to sit still."

That made her laugh. I brushed one lingering tear from her cheek. "I love you," I said softly. It was something I had told Lauren more than any other girl I had ever dated. The best part was that I still meant it.

"I love you too," she said. I kissed her softly. My hand drifted to her leg. My fingers snaked up towards the hem of her terry cloth sleep shorts. Her lips curved into a smile.

"Don't think we're done talking," she said lightly. I groaned. She giggled and hugged my head to her chest. I grinned.

If I could keep my head where it was; I would talk all day.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"I drewed on the chawkboard and then I got a sticker and then I ate cheese!"

Those were the highlights of a three-year-old's day.

Jake was stomping next to me. The whole class had made dinosaur feet out of Kleenex boxes. He refused to take them off; as a result, it was taking us ten times longer to get to the car.

"It's raining outside. We don't want your dino feet to get wet," I said. I prayed he wouldn't try to argue with him. I shook open my umbrella while he hopped out of the boxes. I shoved them in my huge bag and took his hand.

"Ready?" I asked. He nodded. "Ready!"

We ran out of the building and took off across the parking lot. Chicago rain was ruthless; even with an umbrella it flew it a million different directions. By the time I beeped the car open, we were both soaked. Jake's hair was plastered to his forehead. I scooped him up and put him in his seat. I shook out the umbrella and put it beside him.

"You're gonna drown!" Jake squealed. I had to agree with him. I closed the door and opened the driver's side. By the time I got in, I was soaked to the bone. I yanked at my shirt and flicked the water streaming into my eyes. The idea of going home and fixing dinner seemed like servile torture.

"Want some McNuggets for dinner?" I asked. Jake smacked at the umbrella.

"Mc-Noo-gets!" he screamed. "And honey! And fetch fries!"

Usually I corrected him, but some things were too cute to stop. I glanced at the rearview mirror, put the car in reverse, and stepped on the gas.

A second later there was a crunch, a sickening dragging, and an angry yellow light on my dash.

I had run over something. I pressed my soggy forehead to the wheel and struggled not to curse. Jake would be repeating anything I said for weeks.

As a result of my intense concentration of inner rage, I wasn't prepared for the hard rap on my window. I flew back and screamed. Jake started screaming in tandem.

My heart was in my throat and I was a second away from peeing my pants. All I saw outside my window was a figure all in black.

Death.

Chapter Twenty

"Twenty...twenty-one..."

Lauren was counting out my reps. I looked at her. She smiled at me and glanced back down at her cell. I heard the telltale click of a picture being taken.

"Did you get my good side?" I asked. A bead of sweat dripped down the side of my face.

"Every sides a good side," Lauren said. She stretched out one of her long legs before tucking it underneath her. I set the weight down and took a couple deep calming breaths. I grabbed a white towel and ran it along the back of my neck.

"So tell me more about Jake and his mother."

I looked at Lauren in surprise. She looked back down at her cell and fiddled with some buttons. I sat down on the weight bench and leaned forward.

Well, Jake has my blonde hair and my eyes. Honestly, he's like a little clone of me. He loves sweets. He's really smart. He fingerpainted a picture of me."

"And this Shay girl?"

My fingers wrapped around the end of the bench. I spread my legs out and held my breath for a second. My muscles protested, but I pushed just a little more.

"I don't know much about her," I said honestly. "We were both at the same place at the same time and she was a warm body."

"Is she pretty?"

I stopped stretching. Lauren's eyes were filled with worry. I had never seen her look so disturbed over another woman.

"She's not ugly," I said truthfully. "But Kitty, you don't have to worry. You are the sexiest woman I've ever met. I'm all about you."

I got a smile for that. She stood up and jogged in place.

"So what are we going to do?"

"Do?" I asked. "About Jake?"

"Yeah."

I hesitated. "I don't know. Shay's in Chicago and I'm here, there, and everywhere."

"But you told me you were going to see him again. Don't you think he'll start asking questions?"

"He's already asking questions," I admitted.

"Well, you have rights."

An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach. I knew I had rights, but I also knew I didn't know much about raising kids. I also knew that Shay would protect Jake with her life if I even mentioned custody. From her point of view, I could see where it looked like I was just going to sweep in and grab what was mine.

Even so, the bottom line was that Jake was mine. I was fifty percent of the reason he was alive. I had already fucked up three oblivious years. I had to make up for lost time.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was still screaming as the figure outside my window rapped again. Jake began to cry. I tried to pull myself together. Death couldn't be standing outside my window. Even so, I double checked my locks before rolling down my window a crack.

"Are you okay?" a deep voice asked.

A pair of green eyes peered in at me.

I glanced in my rearview mirror at Jake. "We're fine," I said slowly.

"You have a flat tire."

It took all my willpower not to faceplant myself into my steering wheel and throw a toddler tantrum. I exhaled loudly. "Thank you for letting me know," I said. I reached for my seatbelt.

"Do you have a donut and a jack?"

"I have a donut; I don't know about a jack," I said. The guy didn't seem to be in a hurry even though the sky was threatening to drown him in the torrential rain that was falling in sheets. "MOOOO-OOOMMMMY!"

I turned. Jake was straining against the belt that was holding him down.

"What?"

"Why didn't you tell me you had a donut? I'm hun-gry!"

The guy outside my window chuckled. I reached back and tugged at Jake's foot.

"It's not a donut to eat; it's to replace my tire."

"Does it have spwinkles?" Jake asked in confusion.

"No sprinkles," I said. I rooted around and came up with a napkin and a blue crayon.

"Draw me a picture, baby. Mommy will be back in a second and we'll go get you something to eat."

Jake grabbed the crayon in his fist. His tongue darted out of the corner of his mouth.

With my little one momentarily occupied, I unlocked the door. I prayed the guy outside my car wasn't a serial killer. He stepped back as I hopped out.

"What did I run over?" I asked. The guy followed me to the back of the car. I popped the trunk, tossed a million rolls of paper towels and a gallon of milk that must have fallen out of my grocery bags weeks ago aside and yanked up the compartment housing the donut.

"My umbrella," the guy said. "The wind took it just as you were backing up." He leaned over me and yanked the donut out easily. He set it on the ground and wiped at his face.

"I'll be back with a jack."

The guy took off. I huddled close to my trunk lid, desperate to stay out of the rain. After a few seconds, I ran back to the driver's door. I yanked it open and looked in on Jake.

He was singing to himself and making crazy circles all over the napkin. He looked up and smiled. I smiled back.

"Almost done," I promised.

I went back to the trunk. The guy in black headed back holding a jack.

"Go ahead and get in the car, miss. I'll get this."

I looked at him in surprise. No one in Chicago called a woman 'miss.'

"No, I feel bad. It was my fault. I squished your umbrella," I said. I reached for the donut. He rolled it away.

"It's okay. That little guy probably wants company."

I pursed my lips. I could argue, but it had been a long day. I was drenched and my chances of getting sick again were high. I squeezed my hair.

"Thank you," I said.

The guy had a nice, white smile. "No problem."

I headed back to the driver's side door and climbed inside. I turned around and looked at Jake. His sneakered feet were bouncing.

"Did the car eat the donut yet?" he asked. I smiled.

"Nope. It will soon."

A minute later the car began to rock. Jake's eyes widened. He looked at me to see whether or not to get nervous. I reached over and crawled my fingers up his leg.

"The itsy bitsy spider went up the water trough," I sang.

"DOWN CAME THE WAIN AND WASHED THE SPEEDER OUT!" Jake squealed. He kicked his foot out, but my fingers kept crawling.

"Out came the sun and dried up all the rain..."

"AND THE ITSY BITSY SPEEDER GOT CHICKEN NOO-GETS AGAIN!"

I laughed. "My spider's really hungry, isn't he?"

Jake nodded. "My tummy's burpin'," he said. He held out the napkin with his squiggles. "Beautiful!" I said. The car shimmied again. Jake's head fell back and he sighed dramatically. Waiting for a three-year-old was torture.

A few minutes later, the guy was back at my window. I hopped out of the car.

"All set," he said. "You're gonna need a replacement ASAP."

I nodded. "Thank you so much for your help Mr.---"

"Blake."

"Thank you, Mr. Bl--"

"Just Blake."

The guy tossed the hood from his coat back. A thick mass of wavy black hair covered his head. He smiled at me.

"Thank you, Blake," I said. I held out my hand. "I'm Shay."

He took my hand. "Drive safely, Shay," he said.

I don't know what made me do it. Maybe it was the fact that the guy had just changed my tire for me. Maybe it was the fact that he had called me miss...

"My son and I are going to McDonald's," I said. "Would you like to join us? My treat," I added hurriedly.

Blake's eyes crinkled. "I'd like that."

I told him which McDonald's I was headed to. We said a quick goodbye and I climbed back in the car. Jake was whimpering and beating his hands into the seat.

"Ready to eat, bud?" I asked.

Those were magic words. My bright, bouncy boy came back.

As I backed up and headed out of the lot, I prayed that I hadn't just done something stupid. My first priority was being a mom. Any wants and needs of mine were inconsequential. I would begin to worry about myself again the day Jake turned eighteen.

Or twenty one. Or thirty...

Chapter Twenty One

"She's not home. I left a message," I said. Lauren looked up. Tiny pieces of chopped tomato were scattered on the wooden cutting board.

"Do you think she's going to mind if I come along on your next visit?" Lauren asked.

I didn't know how to answer that. I didn't know Shay that well. My first inclination was that she was going to mind, but I wanted to stay positive for Lauren's sake.

"I don't know," I said honestly. It leaned over and grabbed a chunk of tomato. I popped it in my mouth as Lauren slid the pieces off the cutting board and sprinkled them into our salad. She picked up the large cheese grater and sprinkled a generous helping of parmesan into the bowl. I reached into the bowl and grabbed a hunk of lettuce. She slapped my hand.

"If you don't stop picking, we're not going to have a salad for supper," she admonished. I grinned and puckered. She leaned over the island and met me in the middle. I nibbled her lips greedily.

There was a thousand amazing smells. We had the salmon cooking in the oven, the salad was tossed in a light vinegarette, and some brown rice was simmering on the stovetop.

It was the perfect meal. Of course, I was content just sucking on my lady's lips, but Lauren pulled away and turned towards the oven.

I studied her form as she grabbed a mitt and pulled out the salmon. She lifted the aluminum foil and wiggled her fingers in the air.

It was sad that I knew every move she was going to make. Sad...and nice.

"If Jake does come for a visit, we have plenty of room," Lauren said. Her back was to me so I couldn't see her face. She couldn't seem to get the little guy off her mind.

"Sure," I said. "Someone said there's a zoo not too far from here."

Lauren had fallen in love with Tennessee during my recording sessions. Nashville was an awesome city; it wasn't as hoity-toity as L.A. and not so youthfully reckless as life in Florida. I kinda felt like Brian and Kev when I was here; I was more relaxed, more mature. Buying a house was a no-brainer.

I just wasn't sure how much time we'd actually get to spend in it.

"Here ya go," Lauren said. She set a plate down in front of me. I reached for the wooden salad tongs and added some of the mixture to my plate. I dug into my rice greedily.

I felt guilty when I thought back to how badly I had treated my body. Years of fast food and candy and total crap had made me what I was. I wasn't immune to splurging occasionally, but it was amazing how much better real food tasted when you gave it a chance.

"So what do you want to do tonight?" Lauren asked. She cut off a piece of salmon and speared it on her fork. She held her hand under her fork as she brought it to her mouth. She gave me a chipmunk smile.

"Well," I said. I took a sip of water before I dove into the salmon. "I was thinking we could turn on the hot tub for a bit. I could get naked and you could get naked and we can see how much trouble we can get into."

Lauren laughed. "It's cold tonight."

I loved when she had blonde moments. It made me feel better about my own screw-ups. I leaned forward. "We'll be in a hot tub, babe."

"Well, how will you keep me warm when we get out?"

My fingers tightened around the fork. "I think I can come up with a thing. Or two."

A bare foot pressed against the inside of my leg. Her toes brushed against my crotch. My jaw tensed. Lauren was loving every second. She laughed again.

"Then we have a plan."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"You have a funny voice," Jake said. He divebombed his nugget into a packet of honey. Blake laughed.

"I'm originally from Kentucky," he said.

Blake was gorgeous. Even a woman like me who didn't have time for a man couldn't help but notice. He was impeccably dressed. His long black coat was draped over the back of the booth. His dress sleeves were rolled up to his elbows revealing long muscular arms.

He wasn't wearing a ring, but my eyes were like a hawk. I could see that the skin on his ringfinger was whiter than the rest of his hand.

"I'm from Chicago!" Jake announced. Blake smiled. "Then you must like snow."

Jake nodded. "Yeah-huh! Mommy and me is gonna make a snowman THIS big!" Jake threw his arms open wide. As he did, he lost control of his nugget. It ended up hitting an old guy hunched over a ratty copy of this morning's paper. Mr. Scrooge turned around and frowned.

"Sorry," I said. I put my hand on Jake's arm. He reached for a new nugget like nothing had happened.

"What are you doing in Chicago?" I asked. Blake stabbed at his salad. I felt like a pig with my Filet o Fish, fries, and Diet Coke. I knew the Diet Coke thing was a big wash, but it seemed like everyone ordered a Diet Coke at McDonald's. It was the only way to make yourself feel better, I guess.

"I'm here on business," he said. I thought I caught a little bit of hesitation in his voice.

"Are you a President?" Jake asked. Blake chuckled.

"I'm an actor," he said. "I actually took some classes in Chicago. I was meeting with one of my mentors."

"My mom's an actress," I said. I grabbed a fry and stuffed it in my mouth. The mere mention of my mom created a desperate mental need to eat.

"Oh? Anything I would have heard of?"

"My mom stars in Heartbeat," I said. "Y'know, the soap opera?"

Blake nodded. "I've heard of it. My--" he stopped. "It's really popular."

I smirked. "Yeah, I know."

"Hey Mister?" Jake asked. He stabbed his fry in a huge pile of ketchup. He always made me open about twenty packets before he would start eating. Blake leaned forward.

"Yes?"

"Are you a daddy?"

Blake's eyes softened. "Yes, I am."

Jake looked surprised. "Where are they?"

"My son's in Los Angeles right now," Blake said softly. He looked at Jake for a long moment. Jake was oblivious; the topic was already lost on him. I feared I was going to be dealing with a MAJOR case of ADHD once he started school.

"It's funny," Blake said softly. "Your son looks so much like someone I know."

I reached over and ruffled Jake's hair. "He has one of those faces."

Blake picked his fork back up and speared a cherry tomato. "I guess so. He's a cutie."

I felt a rush of affection. I knew most of the credit went to Nick. I didn't think I had contributed many genes. I had only just squeezed him out of my vajayjay after three days of intense and excruciating labor. Nothing major, really.

"He's my pride and joy," I agreed. I nibbled at another fry. I felt watchful eyes on me. When I looked up, I was surprised to see Blake looking at me. His green eyes sparkled and crinkled at the corners.

Even though I didn't want to, I melted.

Chapter Twenty Two

-- One Month Later --

"I'm not comfortable with this."

Shay looked way more put together than the last time I saw her. After putting me off for a month, she had run out of excuses why I couldn't see Jake. I was hovering in the doorway to her apartment. Both of us had our arms crossed.

"Okay, I understand that for now. That's why I had Lauren stay at the hotel. But Shay, I did come back. I want him to know he has a dad. I want to get to know him.

Shay sighed. A perfect spitcurl bounced against her cheek. "Nick, this is going to change Jake's whole life..."

She trailed off. I knew it was on the tip of her tongue to say it was going to change her life as well.

"Please," I whispered.

Shay lowered her head. "Come in."

She stepped back and I walked in. I heard a mechanical voice in the other room.

"Jake!" Shay called.

A minute later my mini-me ran in the room holding a Buzz Lightyear doll. He tucked it under his arm and looked up at me.

"You came BACK!"

I smiled and knelt down. "Yeah, I did," I said. I reached into my jacket. I pulled out a donut with sprinkles. Jake's eyes got huge.

"Is that for meeee?" he squealed. I nodded. He grabbed it and took a big bite. When he pulled back, both sides of his mouth were covered in chocolate.

"Jake, what do you say?" Shay asked softly.

"These spink-les are amazing!"

"Jake."

His eyes twinkled. "Thank you!"

I laughed. "You're welcome."

I looked up at Shay pleadingly. She looked pained.

"Jacob sweetie, Nick came here so that we could talk to you." Jake took another big bite of donut. He bounced from leg to leg. "Did I win the lotto-wy?"

I seriously wanted to hug him. I never expected to be the paternal type, but just thirty seconds around him made me want to fix him dinner, give him a bath, and read him a story.

Shay motioned to the couch. I walked over and sat down. Shay picked up Jake and put him on her lap. He leaned back into her chest and kept munching on the donut.

My heart started to beat faster. I wiped my sweaty palm on the side of my jeans. I felt ridiculous getting so nervous in front of a little kid, but this was big.

"Jake, do you remember when you asked me if I was your daddy?"

Jake looked at me. His tongue darted out of his mouth and he started to catch the chocolate on his face. "Uh-huh."

"Well, I am your daddy."

Jake stopped licking for a second. He brought his hand up and sucked on the frosting stuck to his fingertips. The suspense was killing me.

"What do you think Jake?" Shay asked. She hugged him tightly.

"Hmm," Jake said. "The doo-nut was messy."

I felt a pang of disappointment. I wasn't sure what I had expected, but I guess I hoped for something a little more--

"Do you like me?" Jake asked. I studied his face.

"I do like you," I said.

"Why don't you live with me and mommy?"

I looked up at Shay. Shay bent down and kissed the top of his head.

"Sometimes mommies and daddies don't live together. Nick is mommy's friends. He knew I wanted a baby and he and I made you."

"So I'm a pwesent?"

I smiled. "You were a good present," I said.

Jake sucked his fingers again. He tucked his chin towards his chest; he had a little double chin going on.

"Are you gonna stay now?" he asked.

I ran a hand through my hair. "I wish I could," I said. "Do you remember when I said I have three houses?"

Jake nodded; I couldn't be sure he really remembered. "Well, my job is to sing. I have to travel all over."

"Can I come?" Jake asked.

"No," Shay said quickly. We shared a look.

"Maybe someday," I said. Shay's eyes hardened.



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Maybe someday," Nick said. My blood ran cold.

The thought of being without Jake for even twelve hours was terrifying. I couldn't imagine him on a tour bus.

"Do you like Buzz Lightyear?" Jake asked.

Nick laughed. "To infinity and beyond!"

Jake wiggled off my lap. He crawled over to Nick. He began to ask a million other questions. His curiosity had been cranked up full force. I leaned forward.

I had no idea where this was going to go. My greatest fear was that Jake would fall in love with Nick, Nick would get bored after the novelty of being a dad wore off, and I would have a heart-broken little boy on my hands.

Then there was the problem of Nick's girlfriend. Nick had actually had the audacity to ask me if she could come over. There was no way in hell I was going to have my son be some type of zoo attraction. Besides, I didn't want to see her in person. I had seen pictures. I knew she was some gym buff. Jake would want to know who she was and a million other things.

I couldn't handle it all. Not now.

"Look!"

I turned. Jake was holding his hair up to Nick's. He giggled. I forced a smile.

"You both have blonde hair," I said. Jake nodded. He sat down on Nick's lap and continued his inquisition.

I stood up and headed to the kitchen. I wasn't much of a drinker, but I poured a capful of Jack Daniels. It burned going down my throat. I sighed.

The sound of my doorbell broke me out of my daze. I put the bottle back up above the refrigerator and headed out to the living room. Nick looked at me.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Were you expecting company?"

"I actually have a babysitter lined up," I said.

"Well, I can watch Jake," Nick said.

"Yeah!" Jake said enthusiastically. "My daddy can watch me!"

I still wasn't sure how much Jake understood. He was always so happy-go-lucky.

"Uhm," I said. The doorbell rang again. I flipped the lock and opened the door.

Blake greeted me with a smile and a bouquet of flowers.

"For you," he said. I blushed. "Thank you."

"Blake's here!" Jake yelled. Half a beat later, Jake's hands pressed against my legs, he leaned over and smiled up at my date.

"Come meet my daddy!" Jake said happily.

Blake looked at me in confusion. I laughed nervously.

"I'm sorry. It's been a crazy day..." I said lamely.

I felt an arm brush against my elbow. Nick had gotten up off the couch. He stood at the doorway; his face was a mask of surprise.

Blake paled. Jake let go of me; he grabbed Nick's hand.

"This is mommy's friend, Blake!"

"Kevin?" Nick said thickly.

"Nick?" Blake whispered.

"Kevin?" I asked.

Blake (Kevin?) looked at me sheepishly; Nick just looked pissed.

Chapter Twenty Three

Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to see Kevin friggin' Richardson standing at Shay's door. With flowers, no less.

"Kevin?" Shay asked in confusion. She paled. She looked between me and Kev.

"Oh my God, you're one of them," she blurted. Jake jumped; his eyes widened in fear. He dropped my hand, clung to Shay, and buried his face in the back of her leg.

Kev didn't bat an eye. He was always like that; always calm. I wanted to rip his throat out with my bare hands.

What was he doing? He was a married man!

"I can explain," Kev said calmly. "If I have the chance."

I crossed my arms. "Does Kristin know about this?"

Shay looked like she was a second away from throwing up or bawling. Or both. She scooped Jake up.

"I don't care what the two of you do," she said hotly. I watched her disappear down the hall, most likely to Jake's room. I whirled around.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I hissed.

Kev stepped all the way in and shut the door. He held up his hand.

No ring.

"Is that supposed to impress me?" I said. "Anyone can take off a ring."

Kev's eyes darkened. "I'm divorced, dipshit."

The words sounded so foreign coming from Kevin's mouth.

"What? Since when?"

"Since two days before we went on Oprah," Kev said coldly.

"But...but...why?" All of a sudden I felt sixteen again. My bravado was failing in the presence of the one who always kept me on track.

Kev glanced towards the hall. My mind was still trying to process the odds of this happening.

"Well, after all the years of watching you and J obsess over free Internet porn, I got bored one day on set about a year ago and decided to see what was out there," Kevin said quietly.

"And Kristin divorced you over it?" I asked. Kev gave me a stoic look. I shoved my hands in my pockets.

"No," Kev sighed. He looked totally uncomfortable. Not that I was feeling all warm and cuddly, mind you. "My desires began to shift. I told Kris that I was turned on by more curves and we had a pretty big argument. Things just started falling apart."

"So you became addicted to porn and that's how you ended up here why?"

"You still have no patience, do you?" Kev asked. My jaw tensed.

"Not in the least."

He ran a hand through his hair. When I had seen him last, he had been clean shaven; he also had a ridiculous Three Stooges 'Mo' 'do going on with his black wavy hair. It was short now; spikey. He had a thin mustache and goatee; it was like he had been cryogenically frozen and just stepped out of 1999.

"First off, I didn't become addicted. Secondly, Kris and I just weren't happy and it wasn't fair to Mason. And third, how the hell are you Jake's dad?!"

"Don't turn this around on me," I said.

"I'm just asking a question."

I sighed. "Shay and I met on this celeb-reality weight loss show than never aired. I was hyped up on coke and I was horny for anything that breathed. She was vulnerable and five minutes of my life turned into the three-year old you see today," I summed up.

"And you never told anyone?"

"I didn't know until I saw Shay at Oprah!" I said.

It all came back to friggin' Oprah.

"Is that why you were distracted?" he asked. I nodded. I realized we were getting too far away from the most important problem.

"Why the hell did you tell Shay your name was Blake?"

"I'd like to know that myself."

Kev and I turned. Shay was leaning against the wall, her arms folded across her chest. I looked at Kev and took a step back.

For once, I wasn't the one in trouble.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Jake didn't deserve to be stuck in the middle of whatever the hell had happened in the living room. Even though he had chocolate donut coursing through his body, he fell asleep within minutes of being rocked in my lap. I loved rocking him; it reminded me of when he was tiny and innocent and wrinkly. My little cherub. I covered his face in sweet kisses and his voice faded to barely a whisper before his eyes closed for good and his breathing became rhythmic. I tucked him into bed and headed back out to deal with the mess that defined my life.

I couldn't believe I had been so stupid. Blake, aka Kevin Richardson. It was sad and pathetic that I hadn't recognized him as a member of the damn Backstreet Boys. How could my luck suck so much? I was trying to stay calm. Crying never did me any good.

"Why the hell did you tell Shay your name was Blake?" Nick asked angrily.

"I'd like to know that myself," I said.

Both men turned. I folded my arms across my chest. Nick took a step back. Kevin didn't flinch.

"Go ahead, Blake Scott," I said. Nick snorted.

"Blake Scott?" he asked in disbelief.

"It's my stage name," Kevin said. "My new agent suggested that I needed to break my stigma. I'm working under the name to separate myself from misperception."

"Well you had me duped," I said bitterly. His eyes filled with regret.

"That wasn't my intent," he said. "I--"

"Did you know he was married?" Nick asked me. His tone was accusatory.

"Of course I did," I snapped. "He told me he had just gotten a divorce." I looked at Kevin. "That wasn't a lie, right?"

He shook his head. "That wasn't a lie. Shay, I'm sorry. With the divorce and everything else changing I just thought I deserved a clean slate. You didn't recognize me and I thought I could start with a new name, new goals, and new acquaintances."

"It isn't New Years Eve," Nick said. "I feel like I should start singing Auld Lang Syne."

Kevin scowled. "Listen, jackass--"

I cleared my throat. "My son is asleep. I would prefer if you two donkeys would keep your braying down to a minimum," I said. I walked into the kitchen. This time I didn't pour a capful of JD. I took a swig.

"Shay."

The voice was soft. Tender. I looked up at Kevin. He touched my arm.

"I'm really sorry. I was going to tell you eventually, but I wanted you to get to know me, the person."

I had seen Blake...damnit Kevin...about seven times in the last month. We had clicked instantly. He was a lot older than me, but the maturity was like a breath of fresh air.

"You weren't kiddin' when you said Jake looked like someone you knew, were you?" I asked bitterly. I put the bottle back. Kevin ran a hand down his face.

"I never in my wildest dreams thought--"

"Since Jake's asleep, should I come back tomorrow morning?"

I looked at Nick. He was eyeing Kevin like the enemy.

"Sure," I said. "I think this night's over all the way around."

Kevin took the hint. I felt justifiably angry. Men were pissants. My babysitter, who was now over an hour late, was a pissant.

Oreos and a marathon of The Golden Girls sounded like the only cure.

I showed both men to the door. Kevin was still whispering apologies. Nick was quiet until I was almost ready to shut the door.

"Y'know Shay," he said slowly. "I think it's bullshit that you let your boyfriends meet Jake and I can't even let the woman I've been dating for years meet him."

I literally saw red. Murderous rage came spewing into my mouth.

"Why the fuck would I let Jake meet 'your woman' when he doesn't even know you?" I spat. "You think you can waltz in here and give him food and spoil him and that's all there is to it?" I laughed bitterly. "You don't know the first thing about being a parent. Every damn move I make I think about him first. Don't come back until you grow a pair and can speak without shit spewing from your mouth."

I slammed the door hard in his face. I pressed my hand to my mouth so I wouldn't sob as the tears started to fall.

Why were all the tall, attractive ones scum?

Chapter Twenty Four

"Kevin? Are you serious?"

I was practically wearing a circle in the carpet of our hotel room. I stopped and leaned my hands back on the edge of the windowsill. "I'm serious. He's dating her."

"Do you think Brian knows?" Lauren asked.

I snorted. "Probably not. You know how Brian is. He let's the world know everything he knows by tweet. He sends a 'chirp' every two-point-five seconds. Even if he didn't publicly say anything, he would have told me, D, and AJ."

Lauren stood up and walked over to me. My arms wrapped around her tightly as she nuzzled my chest.

"I'm sorry it didn't go well."

I kissed the top of her head. "It was going fine," I said. I rocked her playfully. "Jake pretty much asked me everything from my favorite food to what kind of underwear I wore."

Lauren laughed. "That sounds like a Carter."

I smiled. "It does, doesn't it?"

She looked up at me slowly. I couldn't resist a kiss. Just one little kiss...

Forty-five minutes later, I was getting the most amazing backrub of my life. Lauren's naked body was sitting on me and I was in heaven. The smell of sex permeated the air; she was kneading all the tension out of my muscles. Her fingers almost made me forget about Kevin mackin' on Shay.

Almost.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" I mumbled into the pillow. I felt her lean down. Her breasts pressed into me. She laughed in close to my ear. I swallowed hard as her breathing filled my eardrums for several long, tantalizing seconds.

"I love you too, Nicky."

I waited for another second while she straightened up. Before her hands could go back to my shoulders, I rolled over and grabbed her hips. The surprise element of that move had disappeared ages ago; even so, she wiggled over me teasingly. Her hair cascaded down her back.

"Can you knead my favorite muscle now?" I asked. "Didn't I just do that twenty minutes ago?"

"That was then. This is now," I explained.

I knew she couldn't resist. I had gone all out renting a suite at House of Blues. Lauren loved being pampered. When she was pampered she was very grateful.

A mass of dark hair slid along my chest as she wormed her way down the King size bed. Her lips wrapped around me and I pressed my head back against one of the zillion pillows we had been given.

My sexy little Kitty was a keeper. A total keeper.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I woke up the next morning to the sound of the chime ringing through the apartment. My eyes felt raw from all of the crying I did the night before. I was expecting maintenance; I had become horribly aware of a slow drip starting in the tub. I yanked down my tanktop and made my way to the door.

"It's the tub," I said groggily.

"No, actually it's breakfast."

I was more than a little surprised to see Kevin standing at my door. He held a bag in one hand and a drink holder in the other.

"May I?"

I stepped back. He walked in. He was dressed down more than I had ever seen him in a gray hoodie, flannel shirt, jeans, and sandals. I followed him to the kitchen.

"Jake still asleep?" he asked. I nodded. Jake had crawled into my bed around three a.m. We had watched a goofy infomercial for a fruit juicer until sleep had taken over.

Kevin unfolded the bag. The Panera Bread logo on the front told me that I had a fifty/fifty chance of eating healthy. Kevin handed me a bacon, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich. Score. I watched him unwrap his own. Lots of veggies. No cheese.

"I got a yogurt parfait for Jake," Kevin said. "It would go good with cereal."

I nodded. It would be a miracle if he ate it; it looked healthy. There wasn't a sprinkle in sight. I took a bite of my sandwich; the bacon was the perfect ratio of crisp to juice.

"I've got to admit I was worried you weren't going to let me in."

I reached for one of two orange juices in the drink carrier. I pulled back the tab and took a drink.

"I probably shouldn't have," I admitted. Our eyes met.

"I don't like liars," I added.

"I'm sorry about the name thing. It's just that I needed to get used to hearing it. Blake Scott officially starts shooting his first 'big-name' movie tomorrow."

"Really? Where?"

"Here in Chicago."

"What's the movie?"

"It's a historical fic about the Chicago mob and Al Capone. I'm playing 'Machine Gun' Jack McGurn." He smiled. "I should have kept my hair. It's going to be hell to slick this stuff back."

I stared up at the short dark spikes; I liked it. Too much in fact. I looked down at my sandwich.

"Shay?"

His voice was soft. I looked up. Those eyes got to me every time.

"I don't know what happened with you and Nick, but I know how I feel about the time I've spent with you."

"Yeah?"

He set his sandwich down on the counter. He stepped closer to me. I almost dropped the OJ. He took that and the sandwich from me.

"I like you. You're easy to talk to..." I was waiting for it. I was waiting for the words 'I need a friend like you.'

"You're beautiful."

"Wh--"

I wasn't sure I had heard right, but Kevin's kiss was more than enough clarification. For one half of a second I thought about pulling the 'I'm still mad at you routine.'

But it had been a long time since I had gotten a kiss. And an even longer time since I had gotten a kiss from a guy that wasn't drunk...or high.

The only thing that stopped me from totally enjoying it was the fact that I had just woken up and my breath was not minty fresh. I pressed my tightly closed lips to his for a few glorious seconds before pulling away. I covered my mouth and laughed; Kevin looked amused.

"I'll be right back...I--"

"I smell beg-con!"

Jake padded into the room. "Mornin' Blake," he said. He reached up and took my sandwich. Kevin started to say something, but I shook my head.

"It's okay," I said. I turned and ran to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and almost screamed. My hair was out of control. My tank top was two sizes too small. I yanked my toothbrush out of its holder and attacked my teeth and gums. I was halfway through spritzing my hair and yanking at the offending strands with my pick when the doorbell rang again. The tub continued to drip behind me. I dropped my supplies and ran through the living room. I grabbed the knob and opened the door.

"It's the tub," I said breathlessly.

"Actually, it's Nick," Nick said. "Good morning."

I sighed.

What did I have to do to just get a tub fixed around here?

Chapter Twenty Five

"Check the shower head."

"I'm going to check the shower head."

"The first thing you need to do is pull the escutcheon at the shower head and see if you can see the connection."

"The friggin' what?"

"I told you; let me see what's going on."

"This is my domain," I said. I turned back to the shower head. I had a wrench in my hand and determination in my heart.

I also had no fucking clue what I was doing.

"How many things have you fixed in your life Nick?" Kev asked. "If I remember correctly, every time something breaks, your solution is just to move."

I scowled. "That's not the reason I move so much."

"You move more than the nomads!"

I turned and shook the wrench at Kevin. "Suck my balls." It wasn't my best comeback, but it was all I had.

Kev rolled his eyes. He stole a glance at Shay. So did I. Jake's hands wrapped around her leg and he smiled.

"Is the tub still drippy?" he chirped.

"I'm going to fix it," I said proudly. Jake was watching me in awe. I felt the epicness of the moment. The future of my son's cleanliness was now resting in my hands.

"Tell you what," Kev drawled after another minute of me fumbling around. "Why don't you show your son here how a real man fixes a tub while I take Shay out to a movie."

I paused and looked at the both of them.

"Seriously?"

Kevin smiled. "Seriously. That is if Shay would like to see a movie."

Kev and I both looked at her. Shay's mouth had formed a big 'O'.

We had left her speechless.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Any girl in her right mind would be in heaven if she had two guys in her shower. Unfortunately, I had lost my mind years ago. The tension was building between Nick and Kevin as they fought for the title of 'tub fixer.' Kevin was trying to be helpful and Nick was being stubborn. Currently, he was finging my showerhead and looking right at me. The sight wasn't near as sexy as it sounds. I was one hundred percent positive he had no clue where to even begin.

Kevin had just asked me if I wanted to go and see a movie. I didn't answer right away. On one hand, the sight of Nick messing around with my much-needed tub was making me nervous. I would be better off being anywhere but in the bathroom witnessing certain doom. However, I was also sure my imagination was going to run away with me if I left Jake alone with him.

On the other hand, I hadn't been to a non-Disney movie in two years. It was a nice day and Kevin's green eyes were hard to resist.

"That sounds good," I found myself saying.

Ten minutes later, Nick was still fiddling in the bathroom. Jake was sitting on the toilet watching Nick as if he was Zeus. I knelt down next to him.

"I want you to be a good listener," I said seriously. Jake stuck his fingers in his mouth, grinned, and nodded.

"If you need anything call me. Hit the number two and the green button, okay?"

I got another slobbery grin and a nod. I covered his face in kisses.

"And what's the number you call if someone's hurt?"

Jake's fingers slid out of his mouth. "9-1-1!"

I smiled. "Very good."

"We won't be needing 9-1-1," Nick said. We looked at each other. I hated that his eyes still made me weak; I was such a sucker for blues and greens. I swear to God that Nick was still the king of 'fuck me' eyes.

But then again, Kevin had cornered part of the 'bedroom eyes' market. And Kevin hadn't called me a fatass. The blue eyes that were chipping away the ice around my heart had said that...and so much more. I stood up.

"Don't let him out of your sight," I warned. Nick rolled his eyes and hitched up his jeans that were sliding down his ass.

"I won't. He's going to help me. Aren't you Jake?"

Jake giggled and nodded. I still had a bad feeling. I ran my finger along my purse strap.

"We'll be back in a couple hours," I said.

"Buh-bye," Nick said. He gave me a finger wave.

"Buh-bye!" Jake repeated.

Kevin was waiting for me in the living room. He looked up and smiled at me.

"Are we ready?" he asked.

"Ready or not," I said.

"It won't be that bad. I'm hard on him, but Nick's got a lot of maturity now," Kev whispered. He took my hand.

I wanted to believe him, I really did.

But I had practically been born a skeptic. I wouldn't relax until I saw for myself that things had gone well.

And if they didn't go well...

I was going to rip every blonde hair out of Nick Carter's head.



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I felt better once I heard the door close. Jake was sitting on the toilet, his legs swinging back and forth.

"Wanna help me?" I asked.

"Sure!"

"C'mere," I said.

Jake hopped off the toilet and crawled into the tub. We stood side by side. He looked up at me; I looked up at the shower head. A big drop of water hit my nose.

"Hold this wrench," I said. Jake grabbed it with both hands and staggered under the weight. I wrapped my hands around the shower head and twisted with all my might.

That was just the first of many mistakes. I ended up snapping the head completely off. The second mistake was forgetting to shut off the main water supply. The third mistake was neglecting to tell Jake not to play with the water handles.

"I like when this goes up and then it goes woosh!" he explained. I've got to admit, I wasn't paying attention. I was staring at copper tubes in dismay. What I did pay attention to was the so called 'woosh' and the geyser of water that came out and rained down on us both.

"It's like a water-faww!" Jake shouted in delight.

I dropped all the little bits and pieces I had in my hand, scooped him up and hopped out of the tub. My sneakers made a gross squishing sound. Jake made little spitting sounds against my face. Our hair was plastered to our foreheads.

"Should I call 9-1-1?" Jake asked. I couldn't help it; I laughed.

"Not yet," I said. "Not yet."

I stripped both of us down to our underwear. I was able to get Jake dressed in less than five minutes. I threw my clothes in the dryer and called maintenance.

"Yes, I'm in Shay Gerard's apartment. She called to have someone from maintenance look at her tub and nobody's shown up yet. We have a major water emergency," I said.

"Has anyone spotted the source of the problem?" the woman on the other end of the line asked.

Jake wrapped his kids-size Snuggie around my shoulders and squeezed my neck.

"Now you'll be warm," he whispered in my free ear.

"Sir?"

"There's a lot of problems," I said slowly. I hung up, turned, and flipped Jake over my shoulder and onto my lap. He laughed hysterically as I kept tickling him.

I was totally in love with Jake. The more I saw of him, the less I wanted to leave him. I wished things weren't so complicated. But how much more complicated could they get? I was in a serious relationship with one hell of an awesome girl. One of my best friends was dating the mother of my child and scoring brownie points with my son. I was inept at fixing household shit.

And I couldn't get Shay's sultry brown eyes out of my mind.

Problems? You bet your sweet ass.

Chapter Twenty Six

"It was so nice to see a movie that didn't have a princess in it for a change," I said happily. Kevin had let me pick the movie. Desperate for something meant for adults, I chose Due Date. I was glad I did; it was just the perfect, stupid movie I needed to see to get my mind off...things.

"The part where Peter got the contact buzz and got arrested was priceless," Kevin said with a laugh. His arm went around me, his fingers moving gently up and down my side. I laughed with him; there was something about him that made me feel totally at ease.

"Can I talk you into a coffee?"

The 'mom' in me was going to say no; the woman in me who was enjoying his touch nodded.

It's a proven fact that there is a Starbucks or another coffee shop on almost every corner in Chicago. We walked maybe half of a city block before the familiar sign appeared.

"I think it's going to snow," Kevin said. His breath fogged up the air in front of him as he opened the door for me. His hand brushed my back as I walked in. The line was short; it was an odd time of day. People were either working or too poor to afford Starbucks. I ordered a hot chocolate; Kevin ordered a coffee. We found our way to a little table in back corner of the store. I hopped up on the barstool, my hands comforted by the warmth emerging from the cup. I took a sip and relished the liquid chocolate sliding down my throat. I must have been a little too overwhelmed with the amazingness of it all; when I looked at Kevin, he was staring hard at me. I blushed.

"I like a good hot chocolate," I said awkwardly. He smiled. His fingers drummed against the cup in his hands. He leaned forward.

"It's not that," he said quietly. It was amazing how his deep voice seemed to vibrate even when he whispered. "You just look so beautiful with your face flushed from the wind and that smile."

Holy macaroni and cheese, Batman!

"I--phew," I said. I stared down at my drink. The whipped cream they had put on top was quickly melting into oblivion. Kevin's hand reached out and took my own. I couldn't help but look at him again.

"I love spending time with you," he said. "You don't know how much being around you helps."

"I can't imagine being away from Jake," I said quietly. "But I'm sure Mason knows what a terrific dad he has."

Kevin's eyes grew moist. The hand that had still been wrapped around his cup reached out and stroked my face. His thumb trailed down my cheek and ran a feathery soft trail aong my bottom lip.

I was in a trance. My hot chocolate was all but forgotten as he leaned over the table and kissed me.

It was the first full lip-on-lip kiss I had gotten from Kevin. After a month full of cheek and hand kisses, I wasn't prepared for how delicious his real kiss would be. I'm surprised I didn't explode right then and there; it had been too long and it was just that good. It suddenly seemed ridiculous that I was wearing a scarf; it was warm...hot actually. As the kiss slowed, he drew out three smaller kisses, practically taking me across the table with him I was so wanton.

Unfortunately, our lips did end up becoming two separate beings again. The look on Kevin's face almost brought me to my knees. There was no misinterpretation.

He wanted me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"But, Jake, buddy, look. Look how good Rondo is on the court. And Ray Allen and--"

"GO BULLS!"

Ugh, it broke my heart. I was sitting in Shay's living room with Jake on my lap and he was wearing (I shudder to even say it) a Bulls jersey. The Celtics and Bulls were playing against each other and my son (my son!) was rooting for the enemy.

The maintenance guy had come and gone. After going on and on for a half hour how he had never seen anything like it, he did two little things (I don't know what exactly) and the leak was fixed.

"I like how the men bounce the baskey-ball so fast," Jake said. He leaned forward and pretended to air dribble.

"Look how fast the green guys bounce the ball," I said.

"Noah bounces it faster! Mommy said he's the best."

I was going to have to have a serious talk with Shay. There was no way Jake could go through life rooting for the Bulls. It might take some time, but I was going to get my little guy in a green jersey by his fourth birthday.

"Would you like to go to a basketball game with me sometime?" I asked. Jake stopped air dribbling. His head fell back against my chest and he looked at me in surprise.

"We can sit on the bleachies?"

I smiled. "Of course. We can sit on the court."

I didn't bother to tell him we'd be sitting on the Celtics court when I made this dream come true. Little details didn't matter.

"COOL! I want a foam fin--"

"Ahh. Mmm. Shhhh."

There was a sudden burst of laughter. I leaned back and craned my neck as far as I could. I could see just the very corner of the door.

"Mmm."

I scooted Jake off my lap. He didn't seem to care about the noise coming from the hall; his eyes were glued on the players as they ran back and forth on the court. I walked around the couch and practically tiptoed towards the sounds. I heard a loud 'ooohhh' just as I rounded the corner.

The front door was wide open. Kevin's hands were on either side of Shay, faux-pinning her against the wall. His lips were busily sucking her neck.

"What are you, part vampire?" I blurted. Shay's eyes flew open. The flush that was spread across her cheeks was familiar. I had caused a similar blush before.

Kev didn't move as quickly as Shay. His head turned lazily and he grinned at me. It was a cocky grin.

"Did you get the shower fixed?"

I didn't want to talk about the shower. I wanted to talk about how they were making out like two teenagers with a little boy just feet away. Shay leaned into Kevin intimately and he dropped his arms. She gave him a gorgeous smile and turned to me.

"Did you get the shower fixed?" she asked softly.

My pride was at stake. I stood up straight. "Of course. I'm so glad that you both doubted me."

"You really fixed it?" Kevin asked in surprise.

"Of c--"

"The tubby guy came and he banged-ed on the wall a few times and got the drippies to stop."

We all looked down at Jake. He smiled adorably, lifted his jersey and started slapping his tummy.

"I want a hot doooooog!"

Shay moved towards the kitchen; Jake skipped happily behind her. Kevin smirked.

"When are you going to learn that lying gets you nowhere?"

I gritted my teeth. "When are you going back to L.A.?"

My question didn't seem to bother him. He closed the door. "I start shooting tomorrow."

"Where?" I asked. I had a feeling I already knew the answer.

"Right here. In Chicago. I'm going to be around for awhile. You're just going to have to get used to it."

My hands clenched into fists. It wasn't fair. I had shit I had to do. We were recording the new album, we had rehearsals for the AMA's for the whole NKOTBSB thing, and I had my solo album promotion to start thinking about. There was no way I could stay in Chicago.

Kevin was going to get to play house with Jake and Shay while I...

While I was left out in the cold.

Chapter Twenty Seven

-- Three Weeks Later --

"You're kidding."

"Of course I'm not kidding!"

"How's she taking it?"

I sighed. "Let's just say not well."

"You better be careful. She might hire a hitman to off you on the cruise."

I snorted. "You'll protect me won't you?"

Bri made a noise that almost sounded like a quack. "That's Lauren's job." He got serious. "Of course you're also probably going to deal with Kevin's wrath."

"It's none of his business," I said angrily.

"When you're in a relationship with someone, things tend to become your business whether you like it or not."

I knew Bri was right; I just didn't like that he was right. I stood up and shifted the phone to my other ear.

"I've got to go meet them at the airport."

"Is she going to stay in town while you have him?"

"For the whole weekend," I said.

"Good luck," Bri said omniously.

"Thanks."

I hung up, grabbed my coffee and coat and headed towards the door. Just as I walked out, Lauren pulled up. I could see the grocery bags in her backseat. She rolled down her passenger side window and leaned over.

"Are you going now?" she asked. I nodded. She gave me a smile that did a lot to calm the nervousness bubbling up in my stomach.

"Love you. See you both when you get back."

I smiled. "Love you too."

As Lauren stepped out of the car, I got into mine. I saw her grab a couple bags of groceries as I backed out of the drive. Then I was on my way.

After my short trip in Chicago, I took Lauren's advice and talked to a lawyer. The wheels of justice move pretty fast when you're a celebrity; especially when some mag finds out that you've got a love child floating around. As a preliminary measure, I was granted my first weekend alone with Jake. After the holidays, we'd meet in court for the judge to help us figure out a better arrangement.

Even though it was just a few days after Thanksgiving, it was pretty nice in Nashville. We had only seen a few flecks of snowflakes. Chicago had already gotten a lot of snow; I'd checked. I'd also checked to make sure there were no flight delays Shay could use as an excuse.

The airport was crowded with people flying back home from their Thanksgiving visits. I tossed up my hood and tucked my chin in my scarf. The good people of Tennessee didn't care as much about me as they would, say, Tim McGraw, but I still wanted to evade detection if I could.

For the first time in my life, I was actually on time. I watched the list of arrivals and depatures. When Chicago appeared I smiled.

I heard Jake before I actually saw him. His voice was unmistakably loud and excited.

"I need to show daddy my wings! And my new jammies and toofbrush and my GROWLY WOWLY DINOSAUW!"

A couple businessmen darted to the left and I finally saw him. He looked part eskimo. He had on a red jacket lined with dark brown fur. He was busy puffing at it.

Shay saw me first. The look on her face said it all. I could see the puffiness around her eyes. She seemed to cling tighter to Jake's hand. The motion caused him to stop blowing. He looked right at me and smiled.

"HI!"

I laughed. "Hey Jake. Welcome to Tennessee."

He dropped Shay's hand and ran at me. I scooped him up and he hugged me tightly. "I brought my toofbrush! It's blue."

I smiled. "I can't wait to see it."

Shay walked much more slowly towards me. She ran a hand over his back.

"Where are you staying?" I asked.

"The Ramada," she said tonelessly. She handed me Jake's large duffel bag. I jostled it onto my shoulder.

"I can drop you off," I offered. She shook her head.

"That's okay."

"Do you want to come over to my house on Sunday to get him or do you want to meet at the airport?"

Her forehead creased. I hated that she was in agony. Even so, Lauren and I both agreed that Jake needed to get to know us. We were his family too.

"I'll think about it," she said.

"Do you want me to get you a cab?" I asked.

"No. I can handle it."

At this point, Jake's head swiveled around. He looked at Shay in confusion. "Where are we going mommy?"

Shay's face turned red. She reached out and took his hand.

"Remember?" she said. Her voice was unusually high. "I told you that you get to spend a couple days with your dad. Mommy's got a big meeting."

I knew that was bullshit. I also knew that it was her tactic so Jake didn't think she was just abandoning him.

Jake looked worried. "Who will give me a bath?"

Shay's eyes were growing moist. I was feeling like a giant douche. This wasn't good.

"Nick--daddy will," she said. "Give me a kiss, sweetie."

Jake puckered and gave her a noisy smack. Her eyes closed and she took a step back as if yanking apart the invisible chain that was keeping the two of them connected.

"Be good," she said. "I love you."

Before I could stop her, she took off through the airport. Jake's face crumpled.

"MOMMY!" he wailed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I don't know how long I spent in the coffee shop at the airport. I know that I sat partially blocked by a large magazine rack, but not so hidden that I couldn't see Nick walk past with Jake crying in his arms. I buried my face in my hands and bawled.

When I had received the phone call from Nick's lawyer, I hadn't been surprised. Still, it was like my nightmares had come alive. For the last two weeks I had plodded through paperwork, met with lawyers, and kept only half a mind on my actual job during the day.

It was hard to explain to Jake what was happening when I couldn't even accept it. Kevin had been so busy at work that even though he was in the same city, I couldn't even unload my troubles onto him.

My heart and mind felt like it had been shattered in a million pieces. My imagination kept picturing Jake at Nick's house, being spoiled and introduced to the life where money didn't matter. Lauren would probably do whatever she could so that Jake would like her - not that it would take much. Jake liked everyone. He'd probably come back to me and talk endlessly about how gorgeous his daddy's girlfriend was.

After awhile, the coffee grew cold and I was tired of publicly bursting into tears. I got a taxi and headed to the Ramada. I had big plans. I was going to stay in my room the entire weekend and empty the mini fridge of all the tiny little liquor bottles they had. I wasn't much of a drinker, but if ever I needed to forget a weekend, this was the time.

The room I had rented had seen better days. Ramada's are pretty nice hotels, but it still seemed dull and depressing. I pulled the shades back from the window and looked out at my view.

Nothing but asphalt. I was facing the parking lot.

It was Friday night and I was alone. I never realized just how much of my life a three-year old occupied until I didn't have him around. I turned on TV and pretended to watch. I downed my first little alcoholic beverage. It burned in the pit of my stomach.

Jake was going to be with Nick sixty hours. Only three had past. I felt like I had aged a hundred years. I needed a distraction, but I was feeling too sad and pathetic to try to formulate a plan. I closed my eyes and rolled over on my side.

I would have given anything if I could have gone back in time and stopped Jake from bumping into Nick. I know everyone says a boy needs his father, but in reality a mother needs her son.

Especially when he's the only thing she has.

Chapter Twenty Eight

Jake cried and whimpered most of the way home. I kept up an endless stream of chatter, hoping to distract him, but for once his mind was stuck on being away from Shay.

"Look, there's one of my doggies!" I said. I slowed the car down and pointed out the window. Jake's face was already pressed to the back passenger window. His feet had kept smacking into his booster seat the entire ride. He sniffled.

"Doggie," he whispered.

I was glad to have another thing to ramble about. I got out of the car and opened the passenger door. Jake looked at me and let out another snot-filled sniffle. I scooped him up and grabbed his duffel bag out of the car. He buried his face in my shoulder.

"Maybe you and me can take doggie for a walk tonight," I said. I felt like a stupid ass. My doggie had a name after all."

"His name's Silas," I added.

Jake's knee pressed into my gut. I winced. I headed in the direction of the kitchen. The sounds of pots and pans moving around told me that was where I would find Lauren.

"We're here!" I said happily. I hoped my enthusiasm would rub off. I put his duffel on the table.

Lauren turned around and wiped her hands on a dish towel. Jake pulled away and looked at Lauren. She smiled.

"Hi Jake," she said softly. "I'm Lauren."

Jake totally face planted back into my shoulder. Lauren looked at me.

"We had a little meltdown at the airport," I said quietly. "He didn't want to leave S-h-a- y."

"He's just scared," she said. "Why don't you show him his room? I'll finish up dinner."

I grabbed Jake's bag and headed up the stairs. "I know this is all really different," I said. "But we're going to have a lot of fun. When you see mommy on Sunday you're going to have tons to tell her."

Jake whined. I opened the door leading into his bedroom.

"This is your room," I said. "You told me you love Cars, didn't you? Look at your bed. You'll get to sleep in Lightning McQueen!"

I had said the magic words. Jake lifted his head and stared at the red bed that I had scooped up the moment Lauren and I walked into one of the swanky kids boutiques we raided in order to make sure we had everything we needed.

"Lightning McQween?" Jake said. He tossed his head back and sniffled. I put him down on the ground. He clung to my hand but I managed to walk him over to it. He put his hand on the mattress and squished.

"VRRRROOOM!" I said in my deeper 'motorcar' voice. Jake looked up at me and gave me a watery smile.

I considered that MAJOR progress. While Jake walked around and looked at all the stuff we had bought - clothes, toys, the bed, a TV - I put the stuff in his duffel away. Jake peered out the window. I had never seen him so quiet.

"Are you hungry?"

He stuck his fingers in his mouth and seemed to consider the question. He nodded. I smiled.

"Let's go see what Lauren made us," I suggested. Jake talked around his fingers.

"Who's dat giwl?"

I was prepared for that one. I sank down beside him. "You know how your mommy has her special friend, Blake? Well Lauren is my special friend. She's really nice."

Jake didn't look so sure. He looked exhausted.

"Let's go have dinner. Afterwards we'll watch a little TV and play with my doggie Silas. Tomorrow we've got a BIG fun day planned. Sound good?"

Jake wrapped an arm around my leg. His shaggy blonde head bounced up and down. I scooped him back up and made my way back downstairs to the kitchen.

"You're just in time," Lauren said. I had to give her credit, she was really trying. Jake was back to burying his head in my shoulder. "I made pigs in a blanket. Have you had those before?"

I patted Jake's back. He lifted his head and stared at the cookie sheet filled with hot dogs wrapped in crescent rolls.

"Piggies?" he said curiously. Lauren pig-snorted. She had the hottest pig-snort I had ever heard. The corners of Jake's mouth twitched.

Things got better after the snort broke the ice. Lauren taught Jake how to mix ketchup and mustard together to make piggy sauce. Jake seemed thrilled that he got to play with his food. By the end of lunch, Jake was back to his normal self.

"I bring-ded new jammies and my toofbrush and my GROWLY WOWLY DINOSAUW!" he told Lauren. She was leaning in close to him, her chin cupped in her palm. She smiled.

"Do you want to show me?" she asked. Jake nodded. Lauren pointed at his plate. "Eat one more piggy."

Jake picked up his last crescent dog. Lauren sat back and looked at me.

"Nick," she said. I had never heard her sound so mushy. "He's adorable."

I grinned. "Tell me about it."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The little drinks in the fridge packed a pretty good punch. I stopped crying after about the fourth bottle. I called Kevin after I had finished the sixth. He answered right away.

"Hey, I was thinking about you," he said. "How are you doing?"

"I miss him," I whined. I sank back into my pillows.

"I know the feeling," Kevin said gently. The alcohol had hit that part of the brain that made random thoughts come to mind. As I heard his low voice, I couldn't help but think that if his acting gig didn't work out that he could make a zillion dollars doing phone sex.

"What are you going to do with your time?" he continued. I blinked in confusion. Something told me I had zoned out for a minute or two.

"My time?" I asked. I held the little bottle by the neck and twirled it. If I had been sober I would have lied. I was a horrible, truthful drunk. "I'm gonna stay in bed, drink the mini fridge dry, and feel sorry for myself," I blurted.

"Shay, go out and do something nice for yourself. You deserve it."

I snorted. "I don't know something nice," I said.

"Shay, how much have you had to drink already?" Kev asked. He sounded amused.

"Just a few itty-bittle litty bottles," I said. My tongue seemed to curl up in my mouth.

"Honey, get some sleep."

"I'm not tired."

"Trust me, I'm sure you will be in a little bit."

I let out a sigh. "I suck at life."

"You don't suck at life. Sweet dreams."

"Tweet seams," I mumbled. I disconnected and rolled over on my side. The seventh bottle was staring at me, unopened. It just seemed like too far of a reach.

"Stay thirsty my friends," I said in my best Mexican accent. My eyes drifted shut.

I wasn't tired. But the wavy walls were beginning to hurt my head.

I thought about Jake. The nurture part of me hoped he was smiling and well-fed and having fun. The nature part of me wanted to drive to Nick Carter's, claw open the door with my nails, grab Jake's shirt like a momma tiger picks up her cub, and run back to Chicago.

The drunk part of me fell asleep.

Chapter Twenty Nine

"Cool! They look like Mickey Mouse!"

"Well, duh."

Jake was looking at me like I had just stated the most obvious thing in the history of the world. I looked back down at my pancakes. I was more impressed than a three year old. Lauren leaned over and kissed the top of my head.

"I think this is the first time you've been excited over my breakfast," she said. I smirked.

"Not true. I love to eat your--"

Lauren clamped a hand over my mouth. Jake looked up at Lauren and laughed.

"Silly," he said. He reached for the syrup Lauren had transferred over into a squeezable ketchup bottle thingy, stuck his tongue out of the corner of his mouth, and drenched Mickey.

"So Jake," Lauren said. She took a seat by me. I took the syrup bottle and went to town. "Have you ever gone bowling before?"

Jake grinned. "Yeah-huh. I pusheded this HOOGE ball and it went roll-roll-roll! down the lane and it knocked the pinnies over and mommy went 'Yay, Jake won!'" He fist pummeled the air for effect.

"Would you like to go bowling with your dad and me?" Lauren asked. "I'm not that good. Maybe you could help me."

I stared over at her in surprise. She kicked my ass in bowling. She winked at me. I guess it was part of her child reverse psychology that she told me she always used on me. I cut Mickey's ear off and stuffed it in my mouth.

"I can help," Jake said shyly. He had done really well, but there were still moments where he kind of backed off a little bit.

In fact, sometime around midnight he had wormed his way into my bed. I had woken up this morning with his feet in my face.

"It's gonna be fun," I said, working around my mouth of pancake. Jake shook his finger at me.

"You have to go-" Jake demonstrated a gulpy swallow. "Before you can talk."

Lauren laughed. "Yeah, Nick."

I made a dramatic show of chewing vigorously and swallowing. Jake looked satisfied. He picked up his fork and took another big bite.

I felt Lauren's hand on my knee. She ran it just barely over the inside of my thigh. I glanced over at her, but she wasn't looking at me. She was still watching Jake.

For someone who had told me she hadn't been born with the maternal gene, she was doing a damn good job. I reached under the table and took her hand. I was going to place it a little, ahem, higher up, but she pulled it back.

"Not going to happen," she said lightly.

"But I want it," I whined. "Later?" I asked hopefully.

"Probably not until the weekend's over," she teased.

"Can I have it?" Jake asked.

Damn. I had forgotten about my mini-me. He looked between the two of us. Lauren's mouth opened.

"Well, uh--"

"Yes," I said with a sigh. The look on Lauren's face was epic. "Lauren won't let me have ice cream on the weekend. But I bet she'd let you have some after bowling." I looked over at my gorgeous girlfriend. She blinked quickly.

"Ice cream? Oh yeah, you can have some Jake. I guess I might let your daddy have some too."

"Is that a metaphor?" I asked hopefully.

"Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Dos Equis was still on the nightstand when I woke up the next morning. I was feeling hung over, but not so bad that I was going to be hugging the toilet for hours on end. I took a long shower.

I felt like an idiot. I had taken leaving Jake harder than I had expected. Yes, Shay Gerard was an overemotional person, but I usually wasn't so pathetic.

The night before was glazed over by the alcohol. I didn't remember drinking through all the bottles in my trash. I vaguely remembered a phone call. I prayed I didn't drunk-call my mom or sister. The last thing I needed was that thrown in my face.

I was okay with being the black sheep. Moving away from LA had been, above all, the smartest decision I ever made. I couldn't imagine raising Jake with mom lording over every one of my mistakes. I didn't always get it right, but I tried to best.

My thoughts were getting me depressed again. I was contemplating calling Nick to make sure my son was still alive, when my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

I smiled. "Hey Kevin."

"I have a surprise for you."

"A surprise for me?" I asked with a laugh.

"Open your door."

"Kev, I'm not at home. I'm--"

"Open the door to your hotel room."

With my curiosity at a high, I walked over to the door and looked through the peephole. I gasped.

"You weren't supposed to peek first," he chastised over the phone. I threw open the door and hugged him tightly. He laughed.

"What are you doing here?" I asked happily.

"One of the leads got sick today so our night shoot is postponed until tomorrow night. I thought you might want some company."

I looked up into his eyes. He held me in his arms and waited for my answer.

"I'd love company," I said. His fingers brushed a curl from my face.

"It sounded like you had a rough night."

He stepped forward; I stepped back. When he was completely inside the room, he closed the door behind him.

"Were you my drunk phone call?" I asked lamely. He nodded.

"I was throwing myself a pity party," I said. "It was stupid. I'm tougher than that. Really. I'm just a mush where Jake's concerned."

"I completely understand. But, on behalf of Nick, he seems to have really taken on responsibility with heart. I think this might be good for them. And you."

His voice lowered on the last part. My toes began to sweat. Do toes sweat? I dunno, but mine felt like they were. He was staring at me and I felt like I was being x-rayed. If any other man did that, I would have bitched a fit, but Kevin was an exception.

He had played the lead role in my daydreams too often lately for me not to want the attention in real life.

"So what should we do today?" I asked.

"I have an idea," Kevin said lightly. "I think the two of us need a workout."

My mouth dried up. My jaw could have fallen off and I don't think I would have noticed.

A workout? Two different scenarios came to mind. One involved sweating and failing miserably not to look clumsy on the stairmaster while admiring Kevin's perfect body from afar.

The other scenario involved both of us rolling around in bed. Sure, it would probably include sweating, but I was totally okay with that.

Chapter Thirty

"LOOK! LOOK! It's going! It's going!"

'Going' might have been the wrong word. The bowling ball was moving so slow that I was sure it was going to stop. It was also rolling dangerously close to the bumper. Jake leaned over, put his hands on his knees, and started to blow. Lauren giggled.

"He bowls just like you do," she whispered in my ear. Her arms slid around my waist.

"Hey now, you like it when I take it slow and blow," I said. I didn't look at her; I watched Jake give one more huge huff.

"I like it fast too," she reminded me. She nuzzled my neck. At the same moment, Jake's ball miracuously got to the pins. It nudged up against the head pin. The pin wavered uncertainly and fell, taking three more with it. The ball rolled out of sight. Jake hopped up and down.

"FOUW PINNIES! FOUW PINNIES!"

"YAY!" Lauren and I shouted. Lauren clapped and bounced up. The bumpers lowered themselves back down. Jake ran and took the empty seat beside me. He was grinning ear to ear. Sure, he only had twenty points compared to Lauren's 190 and my (well, we won't mention my score), but he was happy and that was what mattered most.

"Having fun?" I asked. He pulled on the laces of his bowling shoe and laughed. "Yeah-huh!"

I watched Lauren. She had perfect form. She was like a gazelle. I saw her lips pucker as her eyes studied the pins. Her body shifted in preparation. Then, as if it was choreographed, she twisted her frame, lifted her right leg and let the ball go.

"HER BALL GOES FAST!" Jake declared. He had been saying that all game. It seemed like only a split second before the ball made contact with the pins. The pins knew better than to fight Lauren Kitt; they quickly dropped in surrender. Above us, the screen showed a big X.

"Daddy's turn! Daddy's turn!"

Lauren pointed finger-pistols at me. I stuck my tongue out as we brushed against each other as she walked past. I grabbed my bowling ball (black with orange flames), and hoisted it up. I made a big show of polishing it with my sleeve.

"C'mon Carter!" Lauren yelled.

"C'mon CAWTAW!" Jake mimicked.

I looked at the pins. They had teased me with a spare, but I hadn't gotten a strike. I was getting tired of all my little slashy face guys in comparison to Lauren's X's. I took a deep breath.

I didn't really have a form. I was more of the chuck-and-pray type. I tossed the ball and closed my eyes.

It was better if I didn't watch.

I heard the ball tear down the lane; so far I hadn't heard the telltale thunk of a gutter. Jake was doing a little 'go, go, go!' chant behind me. I heard the ball connect. I opened my eyes.

I had gotten just the corner pin.

"Use my ball!" Jake said. "It works better!"

"He's got a point," Lauren said. She gave me a smirk.

I bit my tongue, but I picked up Jake's ball. It was as light as a feather. The finger holes were too small, but I managed to get my middle finger into the thumb hole for some kind of grip. I waited for the pins to reset.

My mission was clear. I had nine pins to go. I studied the arrows on the lane, shuffled to the right, and started at a run. I bent over, and let the ball go.

Unfortunately, my middle finger didn't want to leave the ball. My whole body fell forward. I slid halfway down the lane, screaming like a little girl.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "I'm not very coordinated," I said uncertainly.

"It's fine, I got ya."

My legs wobbled uncertainly. Kevin wasn't lying. His hands were placed securely on my waist. Of course, that in and of itself was a distraction. I let out a heavy breath; it caught the air and formed a huge white puff in front of my face.

The exercise Kevin had in mind hadn't been the sweatsock variety or the rolling-around-in-bed variety. It was the ice skating variety.

I couldn't remember the last time I had been ice skating. Wait, I take that back. I had been about nine. My tiny little sister had shown off for all of our friends doing nice fancy figure eights. I had fallen on my ass just trying to skate a straight line.

"Just push forward," he said. I moved my right leg. I tilted to the side.

"Woah," he said. He helped me get my balance. Then he didn't a jerky thing.

He let me go.

"Hey, wait!" I said. My hands flew helplessly at my sides. Kevin skated easily around me. He stopped in front of me and held out his hands. He smiled.

"Gimme your hands," he said. I looked at him uncertainly, but I put my mittened hands in his own leather gloved ones.

It was really hard to understand why a guy in such amazing 'should-be-a-sculpture' shape was so interested in me. He started to skate backwards, and I started following, completely leglocked.

"Your only problem is you need to relax," he said. I laughed.

"I can't relax," I said.

"Yes you can. Trust me. I used to be the most uptight person anyone had ever met. After awhile, you just gotta learn to live Shay. Otherwise all the good stuff's going to pass you by."

I looked at him. He seemed to have it all together. The man had been through a divorce, was forced to be away from his son for a whole month, and yet he found reason to be happy.

It started with a smile. Even though I felt like screaming for Jesus to save me, I fought down the fear. I pushed off with my left leg. I relaxed my back.

"There you go," Kevin encouraged. "Beautiful."

I don't know how 'beautiful' I was all bundled up, but the trip wasn't as horrific as I thought it was going to be. After getting used to the ice, I was able to keep myself going. Kev dropped one of my hands and we skated side-by-side. I looked around. It was the middle of the afternoon and the sun's rays reflected off of the white snow piled up in happy little puffs around the rink. Little kids flew by with their pom pom hats and mittens hanging off of their coats so they didn't lose them. Somewhere a bird that hadn't flown south started to chirp.

"This is nice," I said softly. Kevin squeezed my hand. He let it go and I was disappointed. He was part of that nice. We had skated close to the outer edge of the rink. He stopped. I stopped.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing's wrong," he said. His cheeks were red. His arms wrapped around my waist. "It's just...I didn't come here just to ice skate with you."

I blinked in surprise. "Wha--"

He caught me in a kiss. Compared to the air around, his kiss was smouldering hot. My mittens grabbed onto the front lapels of his wool coat. Twenty minutes later, we were back in my hotel room. My mittens were the first thing to go. After all, how could a girl undo a guy's coat wearing mittens? Kevin unwound the scarf from my neck; his lips brushed against the skin. I pushed his coat off his broad shoulders. My head fell back as he kissed my throat.

His sweater was next. Even with his lips as a distraction, I couldn't resist seeing the man's body. His lips pulled away from my skin as he brought the gray sweater over his head. I'm pretty sure I let out a whine.

The man didn't have an ounce of fat on him. I didn't give a damn that he was almost forty; guys half his age didn't have the six pack he did. My hands reached for him greedily. Instead, Kevin ended up pushing me down on the bed. He stood between my legs his hands sliding up my shirt. I shivered; desire was written all over his face.

My sweater was off in no time. My bra came next. Kevin slid over me. His head lowered; his tongue licked hungrily in the V between my breasts. My hands ran along his back; they slid into the back of his jeans. When I wormed my way in the front, there was yet another amazing surprise waiting for me. Kevin's hot breath in my ear as he began describing all the things he wanted to do to me took my last drop of sanity. Lust took over. I know that those Harlequin romance books describe in great detail every little sexual nuance during the all-important love scene. In real life, if you have time to remember everything that happens, you're not getting the best sex of your life. The best sex of your life results in moments of sheer lapse of all thought.

As much as I enjoyed (big understatement) the sex, I was dreading the 'after' part. I had never gotten that far with Nick. Richard-friggin-Simmons had burst in and well...y'know. I feared the awkwardness. My tongue felt tied as I lay there, gasping for breath. I really needed to exercise more. If I got winded doing this...

"Shay," Kevin whispered. His lips pressed against my bare shoulder.

Crap. This was the moment. This was the embarassing part where he announced he was hungry and jumped up to get dressed while I tried to cover my belly and other fat-deposited areas asap.

"What do you feel like having?" I found myself asking. Chicken, Chinese, Mexican...

"Having?"

I turned and looked at him. His hand trailed down my side. He looked confused.

"Well, I, er," I stuttered. He shut me up with a kiss.

"That was amazing," he said. He slid his finger through one of my tangled curls from my now bed-head. "I feel like having the rest of the day to stay in bed with you. We'll order room service and waste as much time as possible before I leave," he said. I was stunned. But, the best was yet to come. He propped himself up on his elbow. He kissed me again.

"I love you."

Chapter Thirty One

"Here's a sticker for you. And for being such a brave boy, here's a sucker for you."

If I hadn't been given a lot of pain medication, I would have realized I was being teased by the doctor. As it were, I smiled and accepted the red lollipop. I clumsily took it out of the wrapper and put it in my mouth.

"Chewwy," I said around the sweet goodness that was filling my mouth.

"Okay, Nick, let's go," Lauren said. She scooped Jake up. He was wearing a big smiley face sticker.

Our game of bowling had been cut short. After I was able to breathe again, I realized that my finger had bent at a sick angle inside the bowling ball. Lauren had taken me to the hospital, kiddie ball and all. After it was cut off, my finger was splinted and a heavenly nurse had given me some pain medication.

"Daddy, can I sign your cast?" Jake asked.

I glanced down. My middle finger was wrapped so thick that it looked like I was constantly flipping off the world. I giggled.

"Dear Lord. Nick, get up."

I hopped off the table. My eyes widened; I grabbed onto the end of the table.

"Is the room spinning a little?" I asked before I plopped down on the cold linoleum.

Five minutes later, Lauren was wheeling me out of the hospital. Jake was sitting happily on my lap.

"This was da best day ever!" he declared.

"I want ice cream," I said. I rolled my head lazily back. "Can I have some ice cream?"

"Is that a metaphor?" Lauren asked. She gave me a patient smile. Damn, I loved her.

"It can be if you want." I held up my hand. "You'll just have to be on--"

I got a hand clamped over my mouth again. Jake smiled at the both of us. "Can I have ice cream too?"

Lauren swung by Dairy Queen on the way home. Jake and I both got kiddie cones. We were happiily lapping them up as she pulled into the driveway.

"Oops," Jake said. I turned around. Half the cone had landed in his lap. He scooped it up and stuffed it in his mouth. Chocolate dribbled down his chin.

"Is it good?" I asked breezily. Jake gave me a stick thumbs up. "Yup!"

"You are going to need a bath, Lauren said. She got out of the car. Jake and I both made a face; Jake laughed. Lauren opened the backseat and scooped him out of his seat. I awkwardly undid my seatbelt. By the time I had the door opened, I was scooping ice cream off my crotch.

"Whoops," I said. "Want some?"

The corner's of Lauren's mouth twitched. "I'll pass."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"You love me?"

Kevin's eyes widened in surprise. His mouth must have run away from him. I knew the feeling well.

"I, well, I know that's a little soon to say..."

"A little," I said awkwardly. "I mean I love a lot about you," I said helpfully. He nodded.

"That's what I meant," he said. His hand went back to my breast. He kissed me hard.

"You seriously want to spend the rest of the day in bed?" I asked. "With me?"

"Is that a problem?"

"Well...no," I said. My self-image issues came bursting to the forefront of my mind. "Why me?" I asked. I instantly regretted it. His green eyes flickered in confusion.

"What do you mean, why you?" he repeated.

I'm pretty sure there's a rule about talking about exes while in bed. Unfortunately, I was a known rule-breaker.

"I'm a Googler," I said. "I'm not your type."

I wasn't expecting the cute, lopsided grin I got. "People's tastes change," he said.

"You're ex is gorgeous," I argued.

"She's pretty, yes. But, you're gorgeous. If you haven't realized it, I'm attracted to you."

I blushed. He pulled me onto him. I admired the muscles in his upper arms and the dark hair on his lower arms. His strong hands and long fingers came next. The fingers were drifting down my stomach.

For just a second, I thought of Jake and how bad the night before without him had been. Now here I was in bed, enjoying some very adult time. I felt slightly guilty.

"You deserve this," Kevin said softly. I looked at him in surprise. His fingers dipped between my legs.

He was right. I so deserved this.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Close your eyes."

Jake squeezed his eyes tight. Lauren covered his forehead and ran a cup of water over his head, washing the shampoo away in the process.

I had just gotten done with my own shower. I had wrapped my hand in a baggie to keep my splint dry. When Jake opened his eyes, he laughed.

"Daddy! You're wearing a bag!"

"I can't get my finger wet," I said. Jake nodded seriously.

"You gotta make it all not crooky again."

Lauren flexed her middle finger and pretended to bend it to the left. I held up my baggied hand, the middle finger yanked straight up. She leaned over the tub and laughed.

Jake and I shared a look. It was perfect; it was like our minds were connected. Jake took the cup that Lauren had left floating in the tub and poured a cup of water over her head. She gasped as Jake and I laughed. The water streaked down her face and soaked into the front of her shirt.

"BOO!" Jake shouted.

"Why did you do that?" Lauren asked. Jake smiled and stood up. He started to jump up and down. There was something quite amusing about a naked little boy doing a butt shaking dance.

"DADDY MADE ME DO IT!" Lauren grabbed a towel and wrapped his wiggling body in it. He gave up and hugged her.

"Daddy's SO getting a time out," she said.

Luckily, my time out didn't come until after Jake had dinner and was fast asleep. I was sprawled out in bed watching the Celtics. I noticed Lauren lock the door behind her.

"What's up?" I asked. I stretched out. She shrugged off her robe. A little bra and panty set tore my attention away from the game.

"Hel-lo," I said. "Is this my punishment?"

She smiled and nodded.

"Are ya gonna spank me?" I asked eagerly. She nodded again. She walked towards me. I scooted back on the bed.

Having a bum finger actually came as a benefit. Lauren had to undress me (or at least that was the excuse I made). I got the bra off (I'm a pro at the one-handed slip) and was playing with the strings of her panties when she smacked my ass hard. I laughed and pulled her down onto me. She couldn't have landed any better. I got a face full of boob. Her long legs were as smooth as butter. I yanked her panties off. She covered my face in kisses.

I was in the midst of an amazing boob-bouncing girl-on-top moment when Jake knocked on the door. The first time I convinced myself it was just a friendly neighborhood ghost. Lauren paused.

"Keep going," I moaned. The bouncing started up again.

A second later there was another knock. I couldn't ignore it when Jake's sobby voice came through the closed door.

"Daddy I wetted my bed! Can I sleep with yyyoooooouuuu?"

Lauren stopped. The thought of a wet bed was the absolute end of sexy time. Lauren rolled off me. I sat up and got my boxers.

I could already picture his big wet-eyed 'I'm sorry' look. Lauren wrapped her robe around her, checked to make sure I at least had my underwear on and opened the door.

Sure enough, there he was. His bottom lip quivered.

"C'mon, buddy," Lauren said. "I'll get you cleaned up. Daddy will get the bed."

I opened my mouth.

Daddy will get the bed? Was she serious? I knew at that moment that life was changing. Lauren had spent the last day and a half being motherly and I was going to change wet sheets.

Talk about a total one-eighty.

Chapter Thirty Two

I was happy. Happier and more relaxed than I could ever remember. Kevin had left late last night admist many more kisses. I let out a soft sigh, admiring the way the carmel and mocha blended in my drink, when I heard an excited little squeal.

"MOMMY!"

I looked up just in time to see Jake break out into a run. I put my cup down and opened my arms. His smile instantly reminded me why I loved him so much. I squeezed him tightly.

"Hey buddy, did you have fun?"

"Yeah-HUH!"

I looked up. Nick was almost to us; Jake's bag was slung over his shoulder. His middle finger on his right hand was heavily wrapped in bandages.

"What happened?"

"Dad-dee tried to bowl with my ball but he has fatty fingers," Jake said. "He broked one."

Nick gave me a lop-sided smile. "Yeah, it wasn't my finest moment."

"Long weekend?" I guessed. Nick laughed.

"A great weekend," he amended. He gave me a long look. "You look...happy." He sounded surprised.

"I am," I said lightly. Jake was doing impatient little jumps at me. I scooped him up. "I had a wonderful weekend."

"Didja miss me?" Jake asked. I tickled his armpit. He burst into loud, spit-lobbing laughter.

"I missed you bunches!" I said enthusiastically.

"What did you do?" Nick asked. I smiled.

"I mostly just stayed at the hotel and just had some me time," I said. It wasn't a total lie; I just didn't think mentioning my surprise visit from Kevin was any of his business.

"What did you guys do?" I asked.

That was all Jake needed. I heard about Mickey Mouse pancakes, bowling, his Lightning McQueen bed and his subsequent bedwetting incident. Nick's eyes danced with amusement.

He hadn't been scared off. Jake kissed my cheek.

"Mom-mee you gotsta meet Lauwen. She's real nice."

Nick looked at me. I looked at him. It was getting harder and harder to hate him. Time and proximity was wearing away some of the animosity I held. When I looked at Nick, I saw Jake. The love residing there trumped the ill-will.

"I'd love to meet her next time," I said.

"She'd like that too," Nick said quickly.

Nick and I made small talk for a few minutes; Jake jumped in whenever he could. As I juggled him to my other hip, I stared up at the departure screen.

"Can I call you after the cruise and talk about custody?" Nick asked. I looked at him. "I'd like to figure out a schedule that we both can live with," he added.

I exhaled. This had just been the first weekend. My big problem was going to be passing through the time when I didn't have a dark-haired knight to distract me.

"Okay," I said.

The time to begin the ordeal of flying back to Chicago was nearing. I smiled.

"Have a good time on the cruise," I added. Nick laughed. "It's going to be crazy. But thank you, I will."

He leaned towards me, his lips puckered. My heart jumped into my throat. I felt like a fool when he kissed Jake's cheek.

"Love you buddy," Nick said softly. Jake reached over and gave him a big smack.

"Love you dad-dee!" Jake chirped.

Nick handed me Jake's carry-on. There was a second of awkwardness; Nick actually gave me a quick hug.

"Be safe," he said. I started to back up. I nodded like a bobblehead.

"We will. Bye."

"BYE!" Jake yelled.

"BYE!" Nick yelled.

"SEE YA WAIT-ER!"

"After awhile, crocodile!" Nick shouted.

Jake giggled. His head snuggled onto my shoulder.

"Cwocodile," he repeated. He sighed. "I missed you, mommy."

I smiled and kissed his mop of blonde hair.

"I love you, Jakey."

He yawned. "Yup." I laughed. Life was good.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Life sucked. I knew exactly what Shay had felt like watching me take Jake. The sight of her carrying Jake away killed me. I would have gladly changed wet sheets forever (okay, maybe not FOREVER) if I could have gotten a few more days with him. Or a whole week. Or a month. Or--

The throbbing in my finger seemed to get more prominent. My pain medication had totally worn off. I rubbed my neck.

I wasn't going to cry.

Shay had looked so relaxed, sitting there smiling into her cup. I had expected a frantic reunion. Instead, she had seemed practically carefree.

It was the look of a woman in love. Or at least in lust.

Something told me Kevy-kins had paid her a visit.

I walked back to the car mumbling under my breath. I felt bad, but in all honesty, I didn't trust Kevin. It just seemed improbable that a man who had his act together could just get up, divorce the woman he had been with forever, leave a son he adored, and just pick up on a whim and become Mr. Movie Star. On top of that, Kev was all about health and nutrition. I couldn't count the times he had bitched me out because I had gone on a midnight Mickey D's run. Shay wasn't the type to go hiking up a mountain.

By the time I got back to the car, I was settled into my pissy mood. Lauren rolled the driver's side window down.

"I don't like that look."

"Jake's gone, Kevin's an asswipe, and my finger's fucking throbbing," I said. I walked around the car, yanked open the passenger door, and hopped inside.

"Jake leaving sucks, I can agree on that one. I'll get you some Advil for your finger when we get home. But why is Kevin an asswipe?"

I opened my mouth to spew all the nasty thoughts I was thinking, but I thought twice. I didn't think that Lauren would appreciate my obsession over Kevin and Shay's relationship. I knew it shouldn't matter, but...

"Do you think she's obsessing over you sleeping with me?" Lauren asked. She had her eyes glued to the windshield as she pulled out of the parking space.

"Do you know how many girls obsess over me sleeping with you?" I asked.

Lauren snickered. "You mean how one night with you ruins a girl for all over men?"

I grinned. "It does?"

Lauren laughed. "You're good...but not that good. I'd crawl under the covers with Beckham any day."

"I'm sorry but why the hell do you want a guy that's good with playing with balls?"

Lauren reached over and took my left hand. She gave it a squeeze.

"Why don't we go home and make up for last night? I'll show you how good I am at playing with balls."

I suddenly didn't feel so pissy anymore. I brought her hand up to my lips.

"Deal."

Chapter Thirty Three

-- Three Weeks Later --

Kevin had a surprise for me. You don't not tell a woman you have a surprise for them less than three weeks before Christmas. The mind runs wild.

"Mommm-mmmy, not brown!"

I stared down at the paints. I had mixed the wrong two colors. What was supposed to have been purple looked like baby poop. Or one variation of it, at least.

"Sorry Jakey," I said. He propped his elbows up on the table and watched me like a hawk.

"Put in da red," he said. He watched me put in the red. "Now put in da ba-LUE."

I squirted in the blue. He took my mixing stick and carefully swished it around. I watched his eyes light up as a dark purple appeared.

"Cool!"

People tell me I'm crazy for letting Jake fingerpaint so much. I know it's messy and that there's potential for tie-dyed carpets and walls. Even so, Jake was way too creative for me to tell him he couldn't. Besides, it kept him occupied. I looked at the clock. Kevin would be here in ten minutes.

With the surprise.

"Let's take these to your room, okay?" I asked. Jake nodded. I gave him a cup. He balanced it carefully in his hands. I took two cups and we walked to his room. I had the tablecloth spread on the floor. The roll of large white paper was stretched across it. We put down our cups and went back for the other three.

I was just tying Jake's painting smock around his little waist when the doorbell rang. He let out a happy war-cry.

"It's Kevin-Blake!" Jake shouted.

I had finally explained to Jake about Kevin's stage name. Rather than just call him Kevin, Jake insisted on both. Jake had also told me he's working on his fake name. His first choice? Zorb.

I followed Jake to the front door. He took both hands to twist the knob. He ran backwards and smiled brightly.

"HEY KE--WHO ARE YOU?!"

Those were three words an overprotective mother didn't want to hear. I had a hand on Jake in a flash of a second. I looked out the door and relaxed.

It was Kevin. But he wasn't alone. I saw two little hands wrapped around his leg.

"I brought a friend to play with you," Kevin said happily. He knelt down, pried the hands off his leg, and turned around. There were a couple moments of whispering. I saw a little blonde head nodding. Kev took the boy's hand; I stepped back to let them in.

"Jake, this is my son Mason. Mason, this is Jake and his mommy Shay. They're daddy's special friends."

Mason looked at the both of us. Even though he had blonde hair, he looked SO much like Kevin. I just wanted to scoop him up and hug him.

"Hi Mason," I said. I held out my hand. Mason looked up; Kev nodded. He held out his hand and I shook it.

"I'M GONNA FINGERPAINT! DO YOOOOOOUUU WANNA FINGERPAINT?"

My hardly-ever-shy son didn't bat an eye. He pulled a paintbrush out of his smock and started dancing around Mason.

"Jake calm down," I said. Kevin laughed.

"Mason, do you want to paint?"

"I'm THWEE AND A HALF! HOW OLD ARE YOU?!"

I put my hand lightly over Jake's mouth but he grabbed my fingers and laughed.

"I'm thwee," Mason said quietly. "and a half."

"WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?"

"Jake, inside voice!" I said.

"July 3!" Mason said. He bounced a little bit. Birthdays were a hot topic in kid-land. I knew this from experience. Jake's eyes got HUGE.

"Mine's July 5! C'MON!"

Before I could stop him, Jake grabbed Mason's hand and pulled him towards his room. Mason glanced back at Kevin, but the birthday thing had broken the ice. The final icebreaker came when Jake handed Mason his paintbrush. The mini-Kev was totally sold. I even saw a smile.

"He looks a lot like you," I said. I could still hear Jake talking a mile a minute. Kevin smiled.

"Yeah those eyebrows are better than DNA," he said. We laughed.

"So, did you know you were going to have him?" I asked. My thoughts went right back to the surprise; I couldn't help myself.

"Kristin and I talked about it a week or so ago. She's in town and I wanted a few days with him. I wanted him to meet you guys. I thought it would be a nice surprise."

Oh, I hoped the look on my face didn't give me away. It wasn't that I was unhappy that Mason was the surprise. It was just---

I had kinda wanted something for me for a change.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"I can't stop staring."

"This is huge Nick."

Lauren and I were huddled over the table. We were both staring down at her hand. The diamond happily glinted back up at us.

It wasn't that I didn't remember proposing. I totally remembered it. Sure, I was hyped up on alcohol and the excitement of the cruise, but our trip to the jeweler played out in my mind like slow motion.

"Change your mind?" Lauren teased. I laughed. After three days of a wicked hangover, we were finally coming back down to reality.

"No. I really want to go for it," I said.

All of the days on the ship ran together. I know that we were chilling on the deck, kinda hidden from view, when I had dropped to my knee. The next day we had paid a visit to the diamond store. Lauren had worn the ring on her right hand for the rest of the trip. Not that it would have mattered. Backstreet Fam and fans alike had been totally shnockered most of the time. I had just watched her move the ring over to the proper finger.

It was official. Nick Carter and Lauren Kitt were officially fiancee'd. We looked at each other. I think I broke into a smile first. I cupped her face and kissed her.

"I can't wait to tell Jake," I said.

"He's going to look adorable in a tux," Lauren said.

"I'm thinking I better have him meet the rest of my family," I said in a rush.

"You're...We're going to have to tell Shay first," Lauren warned. "I should meet her."

"Absolutely. I want to get together before Christmas. Maybe we can go up to Chicago. We'll bring Jake his presents."

"I've already got my present," Lauren said. I had never seen her look happier. For two people that had been anti-ring and anti-children, we were making crazy leaps.

"Are we nuts?" I asked breathlessly. She ran her nails lightly down my face.

"Absolutely," she said. She kissed me again. The table was totally in my way. I broke the kiss and walked to her. I scooped her up in my arms. We both laughed. I had tried to do the same thing the first night of the cruise just as the ship had tipped. We had ended up crumpled up by the window.

"You better have your land legs back," she warned. I headed towards the stairs.

"My feet are firmly on the ground," I assured her. Her palms pressed into my neck. My foot tentatively lifted for the next stair.

"To the bedroom Mr. Carter!" she declared.

"Yes, Mrs. Carter-to-be," I said.

Obviously, that was my new surefire mood-enhancing line. Lauren was clawing at me before we even hit the top step.

It was amazing the difference a little ring could make.

Chapter Thirty Four

Kevin and I were relaxing on my sofa enjoying a couple glasses of white wine when the phone rang. Kev's hand slid down my leg pleasantly as I reached for the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey Shay."

"Nick," I said in surprise. Kev's touch faltered for a second. I sipped from my glass and flashed him a smile. His eyebrows darted upwards. His palm slid along my calf. The boys were laughing like hyenas in Jake's bedroom.

"How was the cruise?"

"Amazing," he said. "Which reminds me--"

I twirled the stem of my wine glass. I knew I shouldn't have, but I had kept tabs through Twitter on cruise dirt. I had just been waiting for Nick to call.

"Are you supposed to be drinking?" I asked. I felt a little hypocritical sitting with my wine. Then again, I wasn't the one with the history of drug and alcohol abuse.

Nick made a garbled noise in the back of his throat. "We all indulged a little too much," he admitted. "It's not like I go out and do that everyday, Shay. Those days are behind me."

At that moment, Kev leaned over me. His hand shot between my thighs. I gasped.

"You sound surprised," Nick said. I shifted back into the pillows. Kev leaned over me and kissed my collar bone.

"I--I'm just--"

"I know you're probably busy," Nick said. "I don't want to keep you. I was just wondering if it would be okay for me and Lauren to come see Jake in a week or so. For Christmas."

Christmas. Christmas was already here as far as I was concerned. Leggings were no match against Kev's fingers. The material was too thin. The light scent of his aftershave was blocking all proper thinking mechanisms.

"Sounds fine!" I squeaked.

"Great. Have a good night."

"Night!" I repeated. I hung up and dropped the phone to the floor. Kev nuzzled my neck.

"I think I better recheck that leaky shower," he whispered.

"But--it's not leaky anymore," I said dumbly.

"Is there a lock on the door?"

"Yes."

"Then we better check on it."

The wine was going straight to my head. I blinked rapidly.

"What about the boys?"

Kev stood up and took my hands. His hands found a resting place on my hips as we walked down the hall together. We peered into Jake's room.

"This is a HUGGGGEEE dino paw," Jake was explaining. He tapped a splattered mess of green. Mason nodded.

"This is a howsey," Mason said. He tapped a big blob of brown. Jake grinned.

"MY DINO WILL EAT YOUR HOWSEY!" Jake yelled. Mason's eyes widened before they both fell back and giggled.

"Occupied," Kev whispered in my ear.

We crossed the hall; I opened the bathroom door. I heard the lock turn behind us.

The man could move like lightning. My back pressed against the sink; my head against the medicine cabinet as he moved in on me. I could feel the result of his living room pawing pressed up against my leg. Warm hands slid up my back towards the clasp of my bra. Once it was unsnapped, I grabbed the front of his shirt and slid down. I heard a satisfied moan as I lowered his zipper.

Moments of recklessness didn't happen often for me (I probably should have learned my lesson - the last time had given me Jake). In my defense, it all goes back to my desire for a surprise. Kev had set the bar too high for me to accept disappointment. And as far as I was concerned, sex in my own bathroom was a pretty good surprise.

Especially with a man as gorgeous as Kevin Richardson.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Shay said it was fine if we come up," I said as I hung up the phone.

"That was a quick call. I guess I expected --"

"I'm pretty sure Kev was there," I said. I knew I sounded annoyed. I also knew I didn't have a right to be. I was butt-ass naked in bed with Lauren. She pressed up against me, draping one long leg around my waist.

"I'm glad he was," Lauren said. She kissed my jawline. "Obviously a little nookie makes her more agreeable."

I laughed. The slight chip on my shoulder dissolved. I had just found out firsthand that engagement sex was even better than general relationship sex. I rolled over, pinning Lauren into the mattress. Her hair fanned out around her like a dark halo.

"So what were you saying about indulging?" Lauren mused. I trailed my fingers down into the V between her breasts.

"Drinking on the cruise," I said distractedly.

"Mmmm. I do recall us doing a little of that," she said lightly. Her hips arched to mine.

"I'm not addicted," I said quietly.

"To the drinking?"

Her hands grabbed hold of my ass as I nodded.

"I think you've transferred your addictions elsewhere," she said. I grabbed her arms and pinned them to her sides. She tossed her head to the side.

"Are you complaining?" I asked. I kissed her ticklish spot underneath her earlobe. She laughed hysterically.

"NO!" she shrieked. I kissed the spot again, this time rubbing my scratch stubble over it after my lips pulled away. She wiggled underneath me in just the right way. I brought her arms up over her head. The moment she looked at me I kissed her.

I could think of a MILLION things worse than becoming addicted to Lauren. She was all I ever wanted.

And more.

Chapter Thirty Five

"Wait, your hair--"

I stopped as Kev pulled my hair out of my shirt. I turned around and gave him a kiss. His eyes sparkled.

"That was--"

"I know," I laughed. Kev took my hand and I opened the bathroom door slowly. My tongue felt raw; I had spent half of my time on my back with a loofa clamped between my teeth to keep from crying out in ecstasy.

The first thing I noticed as we stepped out into the hall was just how quiet it was. That instantly made me nervous.

"Jake?" I called out.

There was no answer.

"JAKE?"

"Mason?" Kevin called.

I ran into Jake's bedroom. It was empty.

"Oh my god," I whimpered.

"Calm down. They left evidence," Kev said. He pointed down. Purple and green footprints made a trail from the bedroom to the living room. They led to the front door - the front door that was hanging wide open.

"JAKE!" I screamed.

Kev brushed past me. We ran out into the hall. The hall was empty. I lost it.

"How could I have been so stupid?" I screeched. "What responsible mother leaves two little boys alone to have sex in the bathroom?!"

"Shay..."

"NO!" I smacked at Kev's arm. As muscular as it was, I was sure it didn't hurt. After I was done pummeling him, I pulled out my phone. Kev walked away, but I didn't pay attention where he was going. I didn't care. I just wanted my baby.

"9-1-1. What is the nature of your emergency?"

"My baby!" I screamed. "He's gone and I can't find him anywhere. And--"

"How old is your child?"

"Three," I said in a panic. "and a half."

"Sex?"

I groaned. "Yes. I'm so stupid."

"Excuse me?"

It took me a moment to realize she meant gender.

"Male. Jake," I said thickly. "His friend Mason is gone too. They're both--"

"Mommy?"

I slammed my phone shut. Jake was standing right by the door leading to the stairwell. His face was covered with paint; he looked like a rainbow. Kevin was holding Mason. I burst into tears. Jake ran to me.

"We were playing leprechaun! We was just playin'!" he said.

The first thing I did was squeeze him within an inch of his life. He squeaked. Then I gave his butt one quick smack.

"JACOB MATTHEW don't you EVER do that again, you hear me?" I sobbed. He held onto his butt cheeks and began to wail.

"I'm so-howwy!" he bawled. "I'm so-howwy!"

I felt a million times worse than before. I had never spanked him before in my life. I scooped him up and rocked him back and forth.

"I think Mason and I should go," Kev said softly.

I nodded. I couldn't think straight.

"I leave for L.A. in a couple days. I'll give you a call. I want to see you before I go."

"Okay," I said in a small voice. Jake's tears were soaking into my shirt. Kev headed towards the elevator; I headed back into the apartment.

"I thought I lost you," I whispered as I sank down on the couch still holding my little boy. Jake looked at me, his face streaked with hot tears.

"I'm not gonna weave for reals ever," he promised. I kissed his cheeks and thought how nice that would be...

If only it were true. If only he could stay three (and a half) forever.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"What about this?"

"That's gigantic."

I flashed Lauren a smile. "That's what you girls all say."

"Shut up!" She chucked a small stuffed frog my way. I blocked it with the giant polar bear I was holding.

"Don't you think he'd like it? It could be like a portable bed."

Lauren looked amused. "I think it's cute. What about some cars and trucks?"

An hour later, it looked like I was supplying toys for half of the children in the world's underprived nations. I had even found the mecca of a present - a toddler-size drum set. I could just picture myself having a jam session with Jake. I could barely see Lauren as she pulled the front of the cart. I leaned on the handle and let her do most of the pushing.

"Think we went overboard?" I asked.

"Awwww..."

I stopped. I stretched out over the panda to see what was so 'aww'-rific,

Lauren was holding up tiny little baby sneakrers.

"Those won't fit him," I said. "Jake's got Sasquatch feet."

"I know," Lauren said. She turned them around in her hands. "They're just...so little."

I knew that tone. I didn't kn ow it personally, but I had spent enough time around Littrells and Doroughs to know what the little smile on Lauren's face meant.

"Do you wanna get another puppy?" I asked hopefully. Lauren looked at me incredulously.

"No."

I stepped up on the bottom rack of the cart and swung the whole thing forward like a skateboard.

"You're not gonna replace your birth control with tic-tacs are you?" I asked cautiously.

Lauren put the shoes down quickly. "What? No!"

"Cause if I smell minty breath..."

She rolled her eyes. "I can think little things are cute, can't I?"

Before I could say anything, she put her hand over my mouth. "I already know what you're gonna say."

She lowered her hand. "How do you know what I was gonna say?" I asked.

"It was either going to be something about that," she pointed to my crotch. "Or this."

She made a rocking motion with her arms. Lord help me, but she looked sweet doing it. I looked back over at all the baby stuff.

"First comes love," I reminded her.

"Then comes marriage," she agreed. We both looked at her ring. She walked around behind me and pressed herself against my back. The cart creaked forward.

Neither of us said it, but you couldn't sing-song that stupid rhyme without finishing it.

Then comes Nick and Lauren with a BABY carriage.

Chapter Thirty Six

Three days passed without a word from Kevin. He had mentioned that he had wanted to see me before he went. Foolishly, I constantly checked my cell, willing it to ring.

As for Jake, he had been a perfect angel since the spanking. He was almost too good. After punching out for the day, I headed downstairs to pick him up from the daycare.

He was waiting for me at the door, his eyes bright.

"MOMMY!" he shouted gleefully. I scooped him up.

"Hey booger. How was your day?"

He beamed. "I made daddy a Chwistmas present!"

My eyes widened. "You did."

He nodded and thrust a piece of paper into my hand. I shook it out.

One messy blue handprint stared back.

"I think your daddy's going to love this," I said gently. Jake nodded.

"Me too!"

After getting a rundown on the day from the teacher, we headed out to the car. Jake held onto his masterpiece proudly.

"Can we get some chicken nooooogets?"

"Not tonight buddy," I said.

In return, I got a full lip pout. I buckled him into the backseat and ruffled his hair.

"Mommy's actually going to cook tonight."

Jake's eye grew wide. "Woah."

I had gotten it in my mind sometime between getting seced up in the bathroom and noon when I had downed a bag of peanut M&M's that Jake and I needed to eat healthier. If I ever needed to walk down the red carpet with Kevin, I wanted him to have eye candy.

"Hey mommy?" Jake asked a few minutes later.

"Yeah?"

"When's daaaaa-ddy coming?"

"In two days."

"That's a long time!"

I laughed. Anything longer than two minutes was a long time in the world of a three-year old.

"It'll be here before you know it."

Jake kicked back in his seat and began to hum. The sound loosened the tension in my shoulders. I pulled up to the apartment humming along with him.

The rest of the night went by quickly. Jake helped me make some Jell-o to go with our homemade mac and cheese. After declaring I was 'the bestest cook ever' and taking a bath, I tucked him in and settled down next to his bed to read him a story.

"It was cold. Froggy woke up and looked out the window. "Snow! Snow!" he sang. "I want to play in the snow!"

Jake giggled. "Silly Fwoggy."

I smiled. "Go back to sleep, Froggy," said his mother. "Don't you know? Frogs are supposed to sleep all winter. Wake up when the snow melts."

And thus began the epic tale of Froggy, stubborn just like my own little boy. We watched Froggy get dressed, only to do it all over again when he forgot something important (like his underwear - Jake's favorite part, of course). By the time Froggy fell asleep, my own little hopper was cuddled up to me breathing softly.

"Good night, Froggy," I whispered. I closed the book and put it on his dresser.

I spent the rest of the evening watching workout videos On Demand. I was sweating like a pig but feeling good. I checked my phone.

Nothing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"That's the last bag."

Lauren pointed to a big suitcase coming round the belt. I scooped it up and looked down.

"we're gonna need a cart," I said.

Lauren laughed. "It's all Jake's presents."

"True," I said. "Wait here!"

With my scarf flapping behind me, I ran over to a grouping of big metal luggage racks. Lauren laughed as I pseudo-surfed back to her.

"You're a goon," she said affectionately. we grabbed our bags and started loading up the cart.

I was hoping things were going to go well. I had tried calling Shay before we caught our flight and she hadn't picked up the phone.

In fact, she hadn't answered my calls for the last couple days.

"What kinda car did we get?" Lauren asked. O'Hare airport was bustling with people flying in or flying out for the holiday.

"We didn't have much choice," I said. Lauren arched an eyebrow.

"Oh?"

I smiled. "We got a soccer mom SUV."

Lauren laughed. "Just what I always wanted."

We were used to sports cars and leather. The SUV had worn woven seats and tons of cupholders. I opened up the back and started to toss in our bags. Lauren climbed in and hung over the backseat, watching me.

"It's roomy," she said.

"Well, at least it's got one thing going for it," I said. Snow was beginning to fall; it was about two degrees outside. My breath came out in large white clouds. I leaned in and kissed her. She pressed her gloved hand to my face.

"Mmm," she said lowly. I took her bottom lip between my teeth.

If it wasn't for the fact that the plane had arrived late, I probably would have found out just how roomy the backseat was. Instead I pulled away, gave Lauren a look of longing, and shut the door.

Laur had crawled up to the front by the time I hopped up into the driver's seat. I checked my mirrors and pulled the seat back.

"Ready to play Santa Claus?" I asked. Lauren nodded, the little pom-poms on her hands bouncing.

"Let's do it."

Thirty horrendous minutes later we arrived at Shay's apartment. Lauren was gripping the dashboard.

"Are we still alive?" she whispered.

"Traffic wasn't that bad," I said.

"Nick, you cut off a cabby and he stuck his whole body out the window yelling."

I laughed. "Yeah. Chicago's great."

I think we were both thankful to get out of the car. We each grabbed a suitcase full of presents. Lauren slipped her hand in mine.

I wondered if she was nervous. It couldn't have been easy for her to know that she was about ready to meet a woman that was now the mother of my child.

"She'll love you," I said. "Who couldn't?"

Lauren smiled. "Flattery gets you everywhere, Nick."

I opened the door for her.

"I know."

We took the elevator up. Laur fidgeted from foot to foot. When the doors opened, she hung back.

"C'mon," I urged.

Together, we walked to Shay's apartment. I jostled my suitcase, knocked, and waited.

"Are we early?" Lauren asked.

"No, we're actually late," I said. "What else is new?" I knocked again.

It seemed to take forever. Finally, the door swung open slowly and Shay peered out.

She looked horrible. Her eyes were red; her clothes and hair were a mess.

And she was clutching a big tub of chocolate chip cookie dough. Jake peeked between her legs.

"Thank goodness you'we here!"

Chapter Thirty Seven

You know the old saying 'when life gives you lemons...'? I know you're supposed to make lemonade, but sometimes that's just not enough.

Sometimes when life gives you lemons, you have to eat cookie dough.

A LOT of cookie dough.

The latest batch of lemons to knock me off my feet arrived two days before Christmas. I was at work, finishing up last minute things at work. The morning had started off on a high note, albeit one that would take some careful consideration.

With it being Oprah's last year for the show, things were transitioning to retain as many staff as possible for the new OWN network. I had been offered a position.

But it would mean moving back to L.A.

I didn't like the thought of being so close to my mom and my sister. Yet, on the other hand, I knew Nick had a house in L.A.

And so did Kevin.

I was still weighing my pros and cons and finishing a report at my desk when my cell rang. My heart skipped a million beats when I saw Kevin's number.

"Hey you," I said happily. "I thought you dropped off the face of the earth."

At first I thought that the connection was bad. Then I heard a deep exhale.

"No, I'm in Los Angeles."

My heart dropped. Didn't he say he wanted to see me before he left?

"Oh?" I said, trying to keep my tone light.

"I'm sorry I didn't stop by," he said. His tone was awkward. "I--"

He cursed. "Shay, I need to be honest with you."

Things never turned out well when someone started the conversation like that. Nervously, I brought the eraser part of my pencil to my mouth and gnawed on the metal.

"Okay," I said.

"When I took Mason back to Kristin that day, the day when the boys ran off, something happened."

Gnaw, gnaw, gnaw. "Oh?" I said again, feeling lame that I didn't have anything else I could possibly say at the moment.

"We started talking and one thing led to another and Mason declared that the only thing he wanted for Christmas was his mommy and daddy back together and--"

"Please stop with the run-on sentence," I said weakly. Kev paused.

"Shay, Kristin and I slept together."

I had gotten to that point of the call way before Kevin had. Even so, hearing the words come out of his mouth killed me.

"So let me get this straight," I said. I was surprised how calm my voice was. "You had sex with me in my bathroom in the afternoon and then you left and had your ex-wife for dessert?"

"I know how horrible that sounds," Kevin said hurriedly. "But, it was a mistake."

"Which part?" I asked. I dropped the pencil. My mouth tasted like metal. Tears filled my eyes. "Her or me?"

"What? Her! Her, of course. Shay, it's the holidays and the old emotions were being stirred."

"I tell you what," I said. I was trying not to sound like I was going to bawl. "Keep stirring the pot over there. My pot is closed."

"Shay? Shay? SHAY!"

He was still yelling my name when I hung up. I did a full head dive onto my desk and started to bawl.

Fast forward to the present. I was clutching a bowl of cookie dough ice cream looking out at Nick Carter and Lauren. She was much better looking in person than in any of the photos I had seen.

Just what I needed.

"Thank goodness you'we here!" Jake declared.

Jake had been trying to take care of me since the night I had picked him up at daycare sobbing my eyes out. He clung to my legs and looked up at Nick happily.

Nick's smile faded quickly. "What happened to you?"

I told myself I wasn't going to cry. Not in front of Miss Gorgeous. I dabbed at the stray drop that leaked from my eye. "Nothing," I said. "Come in."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Nothing my ass. Shay looked horrible. Lauren and I shared a look of concern as we brought the suitcases into the apartment. Jake danced around excitedly.

"Do I gots pwesents? Are the pwesents in hewe?!"

"I'll tell you in a minute, buddy," I said. I knelt down and he ran to me. I scooped him up and looked back at Shay. She had a huge hunk of dough on her spoon, ready to plunge.

"I'm sorry I'm not presentable," she said morosely. "I overslept."

Lauren, bless her heart, stepped forward. With a warm smile, she held out her hand.

"We haven't met. I'm Lauren. It's so nice to meet you."

Unfortunately, the hand she was holding out had her beautiful engagement ring on it. Shay might have been depressed, but she wasn't blind. Her eyes widened.

"We wanted to tell you and Jake in person," I said.

"Tell me what?" Jake asked excitedly. He leaned back in my arms and I smiled at him.

"Lauren and I are going to get married," I said.

Jake did an all-over body wiggle in my arms. "YAY! Is there gonna be a pawty? Can I have cake?"

I laughed. "You bet there's going to be a party. And cake."

Jake squealed. Meanwhile, I saw Shay examining the shiny bobble nestled on Lauren's finger. Her eyes were welling up with tears again.

"Congratulations," she said thickly. She looked at me. "You did a g-good job."

Before I could say anything, Shay put her cookie dough container on an end table and ran down the hall. I heard what sounded like her bedroom door slam.

"Jake, do you know what's wrong with mommy?" I asked. Lauren looked uncomfortable. I sat down with Jake on the couch and he wiggled off my lap and sat beside me.

"Kevin-Blake made her sad," Jake said.

I looked at Jake in surprise. "He did? How?"

Jake shrugged. I looked over at Lauren.

"Laur, why don't you give Jake one present to open?" I suggested. "I need to--" I nodded down the hall. Lauren nodded. Jake bounded off the couch and Lauren unzipped one of the suitcases. I heard his delight and the instant rip of paper as I headed down the hall.

Shay's bedroom door was closed. I tapped softly. When I didn't get an answer, I pushed it open.

Shay was sprawled on her bed, her face smashed into a pillow. I closed the door behind me and sank down into the mattress by her head.

"Shay?" I asked softly. "What happened? Jake said Kevin did something."

At the sound of his name, she sobbed harder. I wasn't well-trained on what to do with hysterical crying. I patted her back.

"Did he dump you?" I asked. She shook her head 'no.'

That surprised me; I was sure that was the reason for her distress. In fact, I had no other explanation.

"Then what happened?"

After another long minute of hard tears, Shay rolled over. She sucked in a quivering breath.

"He slept with his ex."

"Really?"

Shay glanced at me. I knew she wouldn't make something like that up. "He," she said, her voice laced with anger. "Slept with me and then turned around and slept with her."

"Same day?"

She nodded.

I know it shouldn't matter if it was the same day or not, but the fact that he had a bang-a-thon did seem to make it worse. It also made me angry. I couldn't wait to have a talk with Kevin. I reached over, grabbed a tissue from a box on Shay's nightstand, and handed it to her.

"I'm so sorry," I said. "So did you dump him?"

"I hung up on him," she said pathetically. "So, I guess."

The sight of Shay so miserable made me feel like crap for feeling so happy. I had a feeling that she had probably cried like this about me a few times in the past couple years.

"I don't want you to spend Christmas like this," I said softly. "Why don't you take a shower and get dressed. I'll call out for some lunch to be delivered and we can all watch Jake open his presents."

We looked at each other for a long time. Finally, she nodded. She sat up and tried to ran a hand through her tangles.

"Thank you," she whispered. I stood up and headed towards the door. "And congratulations."

I turned. Shay was smiling sadly. "You've changed a lot. For the better. Lauren's lucky to have you."

I smiled. It was nice to be one of the good guys, dare I say...a mature guy.

At the same time, it was troubling to know that while I was going forward, Kevin was going back. I already knew that he wasn't going to be smiling or smirking by the time I was done with him.

My newfound protectiveness of Jake was transferring over to anyone close to me.

Shay had gotten hurt. Kevin was going to pay.

Chapter Thirty Eight

Christmas revolved around Jake. For Jake's sake I put on a happy face. For Jake's sake, I made small talk with Lauren, all the while hating her perfect body, her perfect face, and how damn good she was with Jake.

I won't deny I was relieved the day that Nick and Lauren left. I could go back to moping. "Let me know what you decide about L.A.," Nick had said before they left. I had made the mistake of mentioning the possible transfer. Nick had jumped at it. After all, that would bring him closer to Jake. Jake had clung to his leg while Nick swayed awkwardly in the door. Lauren was already waiting in the car. "I can help you find a place."

"Thanks," I said noncommitedly. I pulled Jake off of his leg and took care of the immediate meltdown.

"I WANT MY DAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDYYY!" Jake had wailed for hours on end. By the time he went to sleep, I was raiding the fridge.

Jar peanut butter and Hershey's shell syrup was an amazing combination.

It was the first night of a new daily routine for me. I would wake up, go to work, gourge, finish work, pick up Jake, give him a decent dinner, gourge, give Jake a bath, put him to sleep, and spend the evening devouring a bag of mini candy bars.

I spent New Years' watching the Backstreet Boys on Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years' Eve. Nick looked amazing. God did he look amazing. I noticed (admittedly, with a little satisfaction) that he didn't get the chance to kiss Lauren as the ball dropped.

Just like I didn't have Kevin to kiss.

Sometimes...sometimes when it got really bad, I regretted breaking it off with him. Those were the nights when I told myself that he had only made a mistake.

Luckily, I never acted on those weak moments. My mom had fallen into that trap for years. The outcome was a messy divorce.

I wasn't putting myself through that. I couldn't. It would have hurt Jake.

The desire to do the best I could for Jake was what finally prompted me, late in January, to agree to the L.A. transfer. It would happen quickly.

Two weeks, to be exact.

I hadn't wanted to ask Nick for help, but the alternative was to call my mom or sister. I didn't want to beg for a favor.

They always made me beg.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"More dead fish floated up on the banks of Lake Michigan!" I called out from the living room. I turned back to my laptop.

"You're going to drive yourself nuts!" Lauren called.

"I just want to be prepared!" I replied. I picked up my mug of green tea and took a sip, my eyes scanning the article.

A second later, Lauren poked her head around the corner. She smiled.

"The world can't end in 2012. That doesn't give us a lot of time to get married and have a baby."

I choked on my tea. After hacking a half a lung, I looked at her bleary eyed. "Who said we're making muffins so soon after we get married?" I asked. "Should I be worried about the tic-tacs again?"

Laur laughed. "Shut up." Her eyes sparkled. "But y'know. Maybe the baby would be the savior. The savior from the APOCALYPSE."

I smirked. "You laugh now, but when you're growing three heads because of nuclear exposure..."

"What if I grew three vaginas?"

My eyes flew south. I couldn't help it. "That would be all sorts of awesome. How about you show me the one you got for now and I'll double-check my awesome meter?"

"NICK!"

I couldn't help it; I tossed my head back and laughed. She ran and tackled me. I swung her over my lap. Her arms looped around my neck and I sighed happily into the sweet watermelon scent of her skin.

The scene had all the playings of a possible vagina show whenthe phone rang. Lauren grabbed the handset and shook it at me.

"Shay."

Lauren wiggled on my lap as I answered.

"Hel-LO?"

The 'Lo' came out as a squeak. I was shaking my head at Lauren as she slid her hand between my hip and the cushion. She pinched my butt. "Nick?"

"Hey Shay," I said. I batted at Lauren. She took my hand and pressed it to her chest. My mouth fell open.

"I just wanted to let you know that I agreed to a transfer."

I could feel Lauren's nipples harden under my fingertips. Her hand slid from my ass up under my shirt. I sucked in a breath.

"A transfer?" I asked in confusion. I couldn't concentrate. Lauren was making slow circles around my bellybutton, her fingers teasingly shooting towards my belt. Her butt pressed into my erection.

"Yeah, they're actually sending me out to L.A. in two weeks."

"Wow," I said dumbly. Lauren mimicked the word 'wow' and stuck one finger of her free hand into her mouth. She turned in my lap, straddling my waist.

I could barely breath.

"Do you--do you think you might be able to find an available apartment? I need something affordable..."

Lauren yanked her shirt off. My fingers ran along the lacy see through bra. I brought my lips to the scratchy material and just breathed.

"Nick?"

Crap.

"An apartment?" I repeated, unsure if I had heard her right.

"Yeah. I can e-mail you the address of the new building I'm working at. Maybe something close by?"

Lauren bounced lightly. My face was sandwiched between heaven and I was pretty sure I was going to split the zipper of my jeans. I hooked my free arm behind Lauren and sent us both down on the floor. Her hair fanned out around her head just the way I liked it.

"That would be great," I said. At the moment, everything was great. Especially the sight of little thong strings sticking out over Lauren's jeans. I took one in my teeth and snapped. She moaned and grabbed me through my denim.

I had to get off the phone.

"I'll call you later tonight," I promised.

"Tonight? So soon?" Shay sounded surprised. And grateful. I was about to be grateful too. In just a second. Lauren was unzipping me. I wanted her hands all over me. I wanted--

"Thanks, Nick."

Thank God. "No problem," I said.

"Talk to you later," she said.

"Later!"

I hung up quickly. I let out a couple heavy breaths I didn't know I was suppressing.

"You. Are. Evil," I said as Lauren slid down my jeans. She stroked me as I watched her tongue run over her lips.

"Then, punish me," she coaxed.

That was all the prompt I needed.

Chapter Thirty Nine

"I want a twee house, and a swing set, and a camel!"

"A camel?"

"YEAH!"

Nick hadn't listened very well to my housing request. Any other time, I would have been very irked. But the truth was, Nick had done good.

Really good.

The house was a small three bedroom but it had a bath and a half and a little backyard that must have seemed like our very own park to Jake. After all, he had lived his entire life in our apartment. He squatted down, plucking at the grass in delight.

"Can you take your box of cars in?" I asked. Jake looked up and grinned.

"Yeah!"

He followed me back to the moving truck. He waited impatiently until I handed him down his suitcase full of Hot Wheels.

Then he took off towards the house.

I rubbed my back. I had only done two trips to the house and I was exhausted. I stared at the rest of the furniture bleakly.

"GIMME MORE!"

Jake's boundless energy was going to come in handy. That was for sure. I handed him another armful of light things and took a heavy box of dishes. I grunted as I put them down.

After my sixth trip into the house, I noticed a gorgeous sports car slide up to the house. The moment the window began to roll down, Jake let out a squeal.

"It'sssss daaaddddy!"

Nick laughed. With the same boundless energy as Jake, he swung himself out of the car and scooped Jake up. Jake's hair looked like it had been a victim of static shock as Nick swung him around.

"Do you know how happy I am that you're here?" Nick said. "I've missed you!"

"I missed you!" Jake giggled.

Nick's eyes flickered over to me. "Hey Shay."

I hadn't seen him for over a month. I knew I was looking sloppier than normal. I swatted at my hair. "Hey."

"Want some help?"

The feminist in me was screaming - 'I don't need a man!'

My aching back was screaming - 'Take the offer!"

"Sure," I said. "Thanks."

Nick tucked Jake under his arm and came running over. His laugh filled the space between us. "Let's help mommy!"

Jake clapped. "MOMMY!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Shay looked horrible. She looked like a woman that had spent the last few weeks with her head stuck in a vat of hot fudge. Her face was red and she kept rubbing her back.

Jake's mommy was falling apart.

I was smart enough not to say anything while we were moving. Guy 101: Do not mention a girl's weight when she's holding heavy objects.

Once everything was inside and we were splitting open boxes, I took a chance. I just happened to unload the box with Shay's scale. I cleared my throat. She looked at me. Jake was off in his room, lining up his cars on the built-in bookshelves.

"What?" she finally said.

"How about a weigh-in for old times sake?" I asked.

Shay put her hands on her hips. "You only did one weigh-in before you got kicked off," she reminded me.

"True. That's why you should humor me."

"Nick, I don't have time for this right now. I--"

"C'mon. I'm helping you. It will move fast. I'm a professional mover." I slipped off my shoes. "Let's do this."

Just to prove I was a team player, I stepped on the scale first.

I weighed a 167 pounds during my People photo shoot. Admittedly, that six pack was gone. I stared down at the display.

One seventy five. Not bad.

"Alright, your turn."

Shay blanched. She slid off her tennis shoes. "I don't think I've calibrated that scale."

"It's accurate."

Shay gave me a pointed look. "Nick, you can just call me fat. It's okay."

"I wouldn't do that," I said quickly. I immediately realized my mistake.

"Again," I amended.

"I'm a emotional eater," she continued. She came over and stood by the scale.

"Kev's not worth this," I said. I hated even saying his name. I so had unsolved business with that man.

Shay groaned. With her eyes squeezed shut, she stepped on the scale. I looked down and bit the inside of my lip.

Two hundred three pounds.

Shay looked down and screamed. She stumbled back and kicked the scale.

"Go," she commanded.

"What?"

"Go. I can handle the rest."

"Shay..."

"Shay, stop," I said. She folded her arms across her chest.

"You know, you moving out here is good for more than one reason. Sure, I get to see Jake more often, but I can also help you."

"Help me? Help me?"

I smiled. "Yeah. We can work out together. Like old times."

"Nick, it's not like old times. You're in shape and I'm--"

"You're a turtle ready to become a swan," I said.

"A turtle?!"

Crap.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Nick Carter had just called me a turtle. Turtles were slow, lazy, and when they flipped over, they couldn't right themselves.

"I didn't mean a turtle. I meant--"

"Mommy, look it!"

Jake was standing in the hall wearing his underwear on his head. He jumped up and down.

"I like this place!"

I laughed. I couldn't help it. "Jake what are you doing with your underwear?"

"My heads cold! I can't find my hat!"

Nick started to laugh. "Do you know what's weird? I've actually done that before too."

I looked at Nick and smiled. Then I remembered he had just called me a turtle.

"Shay," he said gently. "I'm not trying to be mean. I just want you to realize that you're stronger than you think. Besides, I want you healthy for Jake. He needs you around forever."

"And you think losing weight's going to help me be strong?" I asked. "Because I don't think so. Anyhow, high blood pressure aside, I'm healthy. I'm not going anywhere."

Nick held up his pointer finger. "Give me one month. If I'm full of shit, you never have to see the inside of a gym again."

"One month?" I asked.

Nick nodded. "One month."

I wasn't stupid. I knew Nick had to put one hell of a down payment on the house to get the payments the same as my apartment. I rubbed my elbow, feeling suddenly self-conscious of the zit that was threatening to burst out on my nose.

I at least owed him one month. I could humor him that long. I nodded.

"One month."

Chapter Forty

"You're trying to kill me. You hate me."

"I don't hate you. I'm helping you."

"AHHHHHHH!"

Shay was so red I was actually waiting for her to self combust. Her curly hair was soaked in sweat.

I know it probably wasn't the nicest thing to do, but I sped up the treadmill.

"No! No! No!"

Shay's feet slapped at the belt. Her arms flailed around like drunk birds.

"Tuck your elbows in."

"TUCK you!"

I laughed. I knew it wasn't funny to her, but, well, she had just told me to go 'tuck' myself.

I was kind of enjoying the whole gym thing. It kept me busy. Lauren was back in Florida doing some photography and most likely relaxing on her daddy's huge ass boat. I had six weeks before I headed to South America with the guys for the last little bit of the This is Us tour. I couldn't think of anything better to do than help Shay.

Or, in her opinion, create scenarios of mass torture.

"Three...two...one..." I counted. I stopped the machine. Shay crumpled down on her knees and gagged.

"That was good!" I said brightly. She looked up at me and glared.

I had decided when I picked Shay up that morning that I was going to be cute. When she opened the front door, I was hiding behind a huge ass cut-out of Richard Simmons.

"Let's go Simmons Beauties!" I said in a gross imitation of Richard's nails-on-chalkboard voice.

Shay was not a morning person. She shut the door in my face before I could peek around the cut-out and laugh.

That was why it took me forty-five minutes to get her out the door. By that time, Jake and I had bent the cut-out and made pretty much a fairy fort for him to crawl in and out of. He was reluctant to leave it. Only the promise of ice cream for lunch lured him out.

"Jake's probably bored," Shay said, breaking through my thoughts. She was still laying on the treadmill.

"He's fine," I said. "They have crawly tubes. Kids can spend hours in those things."

I squatted down and lifted her wrist. I let it go and her arm slammed back to the ground.

"Get up. I want you to do ten reps with the weights."

A tiny sliver of eye peered up at me. "Weights? You're joking."

"How do you think I got these?" I asked. I flexed. She didn't look impressed.

"I don't want those," she said. "Guns on girls look gross."

"So do turkey gobblers," I argued.

"Turkey gobblers?"

I made a wiggling motion under my arm. Her eyes widened. She sat up.

"Just ten?"

I nodded. "Just ten."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I should have learned my lesson by now. When Nick Carter says something, he usually lies. I was flat on my back on the weight bench, knees bent and feet planted firmly on the ground, and I was struggling with the twentieth rep. My arms felt like Jell-o.

"This is more than ten," I said through gritted teeth.

"What? No, it's not! Reps mean up and down. Woosh, woosh."

He accompanied the 'wooshing' noises with a lifting demonstration. I kicked my leg out and whined. Any longer and the bar was going to be sitting on my face. He took the bar and put it back in the holder.

"Great!" he said enthusiastically. He hiked his gym shorts up and looked around. I wanted to hear the magic words 'We're done,' but Nick had other ideas.

"Let's try some boxing."

"Boxing? Nick, my arms are like wet noodles."

"It's a good cool down," he promised.

It wasn't a cool down. Ten minutes later I had giant pillows strapped to my fists and we were face to face. Nick tossed a light punch and hit me right in the chest. I stumbled back.

"You're supposed to block," he complained.

"I didn't know you were going to do that!"

"Use your reflexes."

I bit my tongue. This time when Nick thrust his arm out, I swatted it away with both gloves feeling like a sissy nanny. He shook his head.

"Okay, change of plans. You try to hit me."

He bounced from foot to foot and waited. I flung out an arm. He blocked it with his own glove.

"Is that all you got?" he taunted. Bounce. Bounce. "Haven't you ever wanted to hit me? Ever?"

"I don't think--"

"Shay, I called you fat. Remember?"

My eyes burned. I would never forget that. The jerk. The ass. The--

I swung my arm out. He blocked it, but just barely.

"Good. I--"

I don't know what he meant to say. After the first hit (which felt really good), I kept going. And going. And going. Nick backed up each time until he was pinned against the wall and I was wailing on any spare inch of body I could target. He slid down the wall and covered his face.

"WHITE FLAG! WHITE FLAG!"

I was huffing and puffing and sweating again. But I was also smiling.

"You're nuts," he gasped. He wiped a line of spit that he fallen out of his mouth. "Good workout?"

I nodded. "Good workout."

After we both hit the showers and picked up Jake, Nick, as promised, took Jake for ice cream. I was all ready to order a cookie dough triple scoop for a job well done, but Nick smiled at the gawking girl behind the window and instead ordered one chocolate scoop and two low fat custard bowls.

Low-fat custard was like ice cream's younger, dumber brother. I couldn't help but eye Jake's little bowl as Nick handed it down.

"Don't even think about it," he said with a laugh. I sullenly took my very boring, very small bowl and sank down at a small umbrella table.

"How'd you like the gym?" Nick asked. He ruffled Jake's hair. Jake was lapping at his spoon like he just had to get the last drop before digging in for more.

"Goooooodd! I crawled-ed through tubes!"

Nick gave me a look that screamed 'told you so!' I made a face.

"Do you want to come with us again tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?" I asked, just as Jake gave an enthusiastic 'Yeah!'

"That's the plan. One day isn't enough."

One day was more than enough, but I didn't say that aloud. Instead, I listened to my stomach growl. My custard bowl was empty. I don't actually remember scarfing it down, but it was totally gone. I looked up at the sky. Maybe a swallow had swooped down and ate it.

"Mommy, whatcha looking for?" Jake asked. He tilted his head back. His chin was covered in chocolate. I sighed. Nick grabbed my hand. I looked at him in surprise.

"I'm proud of you," he said.

Suddenly, I wasn't so hungry (or grouchy). I smiled as he squeezed my fingers. Maybe I could beat him up again tomorrow.

At least that was fun exercise.

Chapter Forty One

"We're not exactly friends."

"But I think that can change."

"When you've disliked someone for so long, it's hard to change your opinion."

"Humor me."

Shay was nothing if not combative. She stared at the scale and rolled her eyes.

"It's been a week. It's not like I'm making you weigh-in every day. C'mon."

"Can I beat you up after this?"

I laughed. "Deal."

Shay closed her eyes and stepped on the scale. I stared down at the numbers, struggling to refrain from making the annoying beeps like they do on 'The Biggest Loser.'

When the scale stopped, I couldn't help but smile. I let out a low whistle. Shay opened her eyes and looked at me.

"What?"

"See for yourself!"

Shay looked down; she actually smiled.

"That's wrong."

"It's accurate."

"Can't be."

"Is."

The scale read one hundred eighty seven pounds.

"Nick, that's sixteen pounds."

"I think I missed my calling," I said. "Obviously I'm a kick ass booty trainer."

Shay laughed. Her arms wrapped around my neck and she hugged me tight. "You're a miracle worker."

I hugged her tightly. "You keep this up and Jake and I are both going to need sticks to keep everyone away."

"Shut up."

She pulled away; she looked so happy and proud. It felt rewarding.

"So about beating me up..." I said. Shay hopped off the scale and knelt down for her gloves.

"It's the part of the day I look forward to the most."

"Should I be scared?"

She gave me a mischievious look. "Always."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sixteen pounds. Sixteen! Never had I lost that much in such a short period of time. It was amazing. It was incredible. Of course, most of it was probably just water. I had never drank so much water in my life. I felt like I was floating. I was sure the sixteen pounds was just liquid. My fat was still squishing around in me. Even so...

Sixteen pounds.

"Pay attention!" Nick commanded.

I was swinging my arms sloppily. He bounced from foot to foot easily, a few strands of his blonde hair plastered to his forehead. I bit my bottom lip and concentrated on getting the punch through without blockage.

"work on your feet!"

I felt a little like Godzilla smashing all the tiny Japanese people. That's how awkward my stepping was. I had a problem multi-tasking. Either my hands worked well or my feet. They didn't both work well at the same time.

"Bounce...bounce...bounce..."

I thought Nick was watching my feet. I really did. He had to be telling me to watch my heels.

"Bounce..."

I looked at his face. He wasn't watching my feet. He wasn't bouncing on his heels. I let out a squeak and jabbed him in his stomach. He doubled over and grunted. I jabbed my elbow into his back. He slammed into the ground.

"If I'm not mistaken, you have someone else's to watch bounce," I said. I stepped over him and yanked off my gloves.

Our workout for the day was over.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I will be the first to admit that I shouldn't have become so hypnotized watching Shay's boobs bounce as she worked on getting a hit through. It was just so hard not too. They were big and round and...jiggly.

I do have to give her credit for her smack-down moves. As I showered, little shocks of pain kept hitting my gut. I could almost feel the knot forming in my back.

You have someone else's to watch bounce. Shay was right. The only boobs I was allowed to watch anymore were Lauren's.

But try telling that to a guy who had lived his life constantly staring down the shirt of every female that walked by.

Change was hard.

I felt sheepish as I walked out, showered and changed. Shay had already gone down and picked up Jake. He was jumping on a huge exercise ball, letting himself slide off onto the floor. Once his face smashed into the carpet he would scramble up and do it all over again.

"I'm ready. I don't know about Jumpin' Jake," Shay said. We both watched him. Even though his moves were repetitive, it was still fun to watch.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to Shay.

"It's okay," she whispered back. "I just don't want this to turn awkward."

"I know. It won't happen again."

That seemed to be enough. On Jake's last slid to the carpet, Shay scooped him up.

"Ready to go home, wormy?"

"Yup!" Jake said. "Can I have dirt for dinner?"

Shay laughed. "Will pork chops work?"

"YEAH!"

Jake wrapped his arms around Shay's neck. "You coming, daddy?"

Shay hadn't invited me. I opened my mouth to make an excuse. She turned and smiled.

"Brave enough to try my new attempt at healthy cooking?" she teased. I relaxed.

"I'm brave," I said.

Besides, I was also hungry.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was proud of my new cooking skills. It took a lot longer to make decent food, but the reward was food that filled me up much more than the fast food I'd lived on for years.

The best part was that even Jake loved it. Sure he smothered everything with ketchup, but beggers couldn't be choosy.

"Want something to drink?" I asked Nick. My pork chops were surrounded by steamed veggies and a little brown rice. The windows were open and an amazing early summer breeze was blowing through.

"How about some red wine?" Nick asked. He was helping Jake color at the table. I caught his smile. "It's heart healthy."

I hadn't had any wine since Kevin and I had broken up. I took out the bottle I had brought from Chicago and worked at the foam cork. My thumb began to ache when two large hands covered my own.

"Let me."

A second later a pop filled the room. Jake clapped. Nick handed me the foaming bottle back.

"Thank you," I said softly.

Dinner with a young child is never boring. Jake had Nick mesmorized as he theorized about where pork chops come from and the importance of pepper on potatoes rather than salt. Nick countered with a story about how crayons were made.

It was nice just to quietly observe; to relax. I secretly relished the moment for Jake. I knew it wasn't every day he had his mom and dad all to himself together.

I was glad that Nick and I were mending fences. As I took another sip of the tart red wine, I also thought that it was nice to just have a friend.

Chapter Forty Two

"So I was hanging off of the balcony, and Brian was turning green and hanging onto my shirt like I was going to go airborne at any moment."

Shay tilted her head back and laughed. I smiled and leaned in close for the punchline. "The best part was that there was this little lip, kinda like an awning, right below the railing. If I would have tipped over I would have gone a whole foot and a half."

She brought her free hand up to her mouth, smothering a giggle. The wine glass in her other hand wobbled slightly. I took it and set it down on the table.

It was almost ten o'clock. Jake had fallen asleep an hour earlier. We had killed the whole bottle of wine. Shay's cheeks were scarlet; she was a lightweight when it came to wine.

Of course, I was feeling pretty good myself. I stretched out, my arm draping casually over the back of the couch.

"Jake was so happy you stayed for dinner," Shay said softly.

"There's not much I wouldn't do for him," I admitted.

Shay stared at me. She seemed to be considering the weight of that statement. Finally, she nodded.

"I know that now. You're a good dad."

I smiled. "You doubted?"

"I've doubted a lot," she replied cryptically.

"Why?"

The wine had loosened her tongue. She settled back, her head falling against my arm. "Where do you want me to begin? My mother who never thought I was good enough? My sister who can't do anything more than lecture me or tell me how much more accomplished she is? Having a great job, but not loving it? My weight? My crappy love life?"

"Any positives?"

Shay smiled. "Jake. He makes everything else insignificant."

I wrapped a soft curl around my finger. I let it go and watched it bounce back into place.

"I'm sorry I added to all the bad," I whispered. "But I'm also glad that I contributed to the positive."

Shay's eyes grew moist. "We both had a lot of issues. I've blamed everything on you, but I had my own demons. I could've said no that day, Nick, but I didn't."

Things were getting heavy. I didn't do heavy well. I gave her a teasing grin. "It's cause you wanted my sexy, fluffy bod."

She laughed. "You still haven't lost the ass, Carter."

"I'm surprised you noticed."

She tilted her head. "I am female, you know."

I licked my lips. Was it the wine? Was it the tiny little Yankee Candle that smelled like lilacs that she had lit? I wrapped my fingers around her wrist.

"I know."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I should have punched him like I did earlier. His fingers were wrapped around my wrist and his thumb was stroking my pulse point.

Did you know that's one of the sexual pressure points? I'm pretty sure Nick did.

I shouldn't have lit that candle. Why did I like candles so much? They meant trouble.

Why had I mentioned Nick's ass? Yes, it was unavoidable, but did I have to admit it?

And why did I have to throw out that 'female' line? As if Nick hadn't said 'bounce, bounce, bounce' earlier...

I glanced over at my wine glass. My wrist was tingling. I scooped it up and drained the last remaining drops. We had started to evening with the theory that wine was heart healthy.

But a whole bottle?

"Nick..." I said slowly. This was wrong. On so many levels. I had just wanted him to stay for a pork chop. And now, and now I was getting lost in those eyes. His eyes needed one of those peelable warning labels that stated: WARNING: if you stare too long you will lean forward to get a better look.

And just like when you give a mouse a cookie, if you lean forward for a better look, you're probably going to want a kiss to go with it...

I knew the wine had relaxed me a little too much. I also knew Nick wasn't drunk. Red wine didn't have that effect on guys. Especially guys that had spent years inhaling drunks and drinks like Pez candies. That was why I expected him to be the rational one.

The thing is that Nick and rationality do not go together. His lips brushed mine slowly like a hand running lightly over a blanket. When I didn't pull away, he pressed harder. His fingers left my wrist, his hand cupped my chin, pressing my jawbone slightly.

He got the desired effect. My lips parted at the same time his did. Our tongues met. His mouth was fire. I pressed into him, my hands finding refuge on the back of his neck.

It's a proven fact that Nick has giant hands. They're the type of hands that can make girls cluster and giggle over the possible implications. They were hands that knew exactly what they were doing.

I didn't make the comparison at the time, but the couch had never proven an obstacle for Kevin. But for Nick, it just didn't seem to be enough. The man that had gotten busy in a tiny bunkbed wasn't satisfied. Ever so slowly he broke the kiss and knelt down on the floor by me, drawing me down with him. I went willingly. With knelt facing each other. His eyes stayed open as he kissed me again.

I'm not usually an open-eyed kisser. But there was something explosive about kissing him and trying to decipher the dirty thoughts I saw in his darkening eyes that sent a little thrill down my spine.

I know it's horrible, but I didn't think once about Lauren. It was hard to think about the impact of cheating when a man slides your shirt off to bare the smooth skin of your shoulder and nibbles like your his next main course. And it's equally impossible to think when that hand cups your breast and presses his groin against you at the same time.

Those things render a female thoughtless.

Ergo, what then could render me sane? Well, that's easy.

It happened like this. As a result of Nick pressing his groin into me, I had my hand down his pants, trying to decide if he had either received a late 20's growth spurt or my memory was just cloudy. Meanwhile, Nick's teeth were in my shoulder. I was pretty sure I was moaning like a wounded animal and Nick was grunting when we both heard the sniffle.

It came from behind the couch.

"Mommy? Where awe you? I wetted my bed again. I'm cold."

Nick's teeth left my shoulder. My hand flew out of his pants not a moment too soon. Jake's head poked around the couch. He sniffled again. I scrambled to my feet, shrugging my shirt back onto my shoulder.

Saved by the bed-wetter.

Chapter Forty Three

"We need to talk."

I rubbed neck. "Yeah, I knew that was coming."

We both stared at the couch. It seemed like forbidden territory. We looked at the floor.

We ended up in the kitchen. Jake was asleep, snuggled into fresh sheets. The rumble of the washer created background noise that was just one level below distracting.

"That shouldn't have happened," Shay started.

"I know," I said quickly. "It was the wine and the atmosphere..."

"And the conversation," she agreed.

"Shay..."

"It's our little secret," she finished. My jaw tensed.

It was a little secret that somehow felt unfinished. I know what you're thinking. I was engaged. What Shay and I had experienced was one quick time years ago.

And yet it totally wasn't that simple. Shay and I were finally getting to know each other. I liked what we were sharing. Besides, it's hard to see the mother of your child nuturing, loving, and giving and not feel something.

I might have been a cold-hearted bastard before, but I wasn't now.

"And how," I said slowly. "Are we going to keep it from happening again?"

Shay's eyes widened.

"You and Lauren are perfect for each other," she said quietly. "I don't want you to throw that away on a 'what-if.'"

"You're a 'what-if' that is going to be a part of my life forever. We're stuck with each other," I said. I smiled softly.

"You're right. Which is why we also have to think about Jake. He's okay with us not being together."

"It's because he's never known anything else," I argued.

We lapsed into silence. I had a feeling we weren't going to come to a middle ground. At least not tonight.

"Is that why you acted the way you did towards Kevin?" she asked. I pushed my chair back.

"What do you mean?"

"You seemed..."

"Jealous?" I guessed. She nodded.

"I'm a jealous person," I said. "Consider it one of my bad traits." I stood up and stretched.

"You're leaving?" Shay guessed.

"I think we need to sleep on this," I said.

"Yeah, we probably do."

"See you tomorrow?" I asked. Shay shook her head.

"Let's give it a few days."

I frowned. "But what about the gym and--"

Shay smiled. "I do know where the gym is. I'll go."

I was smart enough not to argue. I wrapped my hand around her shoulder and squeezed. "Keep up the good work," I said. I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. Shay sighed.

She was still hunched over the table as I let myself out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I was a woman of my word. The next morning I woke up early and went to the gym before work. Jake wasn't used to getting up at such a ridiculous time; he crawled right into a tube in the playroom and fell asleep.

The gym was fairly empty. I went about my routine, the whole time thinking about Nick.

If this was a fairy tale, Nick and I would fall deep in love and live happily ever with Jake and another two-point-five children.

But it wasn't a fairy tale. It was confusing. I didn't know how I felt about him. Attracted? Yes. Sentimental? Totally.

I was giving the eliptical a hell of a beating, mumbling about blondes and blue eyes when I heard a shriek that made me freeze.

"SHAY SHAY?"

I slowed to a stop and stepped off the machine lest I succumb to distress and fall right off the damn thing. I forced a smile before I turned.

My sister Francie was standing there in head to toe spandex, her hands on her practically nonexistant hips, her boobs quivering out to 'there' and her eyes wide.

"You're back!"

"Yeah..." I said unenthusiastically.

"For how long?"

"A little while."

"Where's my nephie-poo?"

Ugh. The last thing I wanted was Jake practically suffocated by silicone.

"In the playroom."

Francie clapped her hands. "I've got to see him before you leave!" She paused. "What are you doing at the gym?"

I bit the inside of my cheek. "I'm working out."

She gave me a smile, the type of smile you use when you just want to humor someone. "Good for you."

Any semblance of the sister who gave me the pep-talk before I went on that ill-forgotten weight-loss show was gone. She was quickly taking mom's place as the lead actress on Heartbeat. She was L.A.

"Well, are you done?" she asked. "I want to see Jack and then run on the tread before I head to set."

I wanted to scream. It took everything in me not too. "It's Jake."

"Oops. I'm sorry. It's just me and mom never see him."

Guilt trip. Feeling a little like Quasimodo, I lead the way to the playroom.

Jake was sitting on a yoga mat sipping an apple juice. His face lit up when he saw me.

"Hey mommy! You're still sweaty!"

My son...the ever astute owl. I laughed. "Mommy's still got to shower. But someone wants to see you. Remember Aunt Francie?"

I knew for a fact Jake didn't remember Francie. He looked at her in confusion. She ran in and squatted down next to him. The spandex showed serious ass-crack. That brightened my day.

"You are just adorable!" Francie gushed. She pinched his cheek; Jake made a priceless face. "Oh, Shay, he looks NOTHING like you!"

Arrow. Straight through the heart. Jake scooted back, sucking on his apple juice again.

"I look wike my daddy," he said quietly. "I'm nice like my mommy."

Kid-speak for 'You're NOT nice, lady.'

"Of course you are!" Francie said, not realizing that she had just gotten burned. "Shay's always been the nice one."

With that, Francie bounced back up. She turned and gave me a light hug.

"You've got to stop by the set."

NO! "I really can't," I said aloud. "I have work and--"

"Lunch time. Be there. I'll tell mom."

Francie-speak for 'If you don't come, mom will hunt you and her grandson down.'

"Okay. Just for a few minutes," I said. Francie giggled.

"Awesome. Later!"

She bounced out of the room. A second later Jake tugged at my oversized shirt.

"Mommy, that lady was nuts."

I laughed. Leave it to Jake. I knelt down and kissed his cheek. "I totally agree. I'll be back in a minute, okay?"

Jake nodded. "Otay! Don't forget dog-ow-do-want!"

"Deodorant. Check," I said. I noticed the playroom supervisor by the refrigerator. Her shoulders were shaking.

If there was one thing I could say about Jake, it would be that he was always a surprise.

Just like his dad.

Chapter Forty Four

"How's the weather?" I asked. I winced. Who asks their fiancee about the friggin' weather?"

"It's amazing. I took a little time to go on the boat. Dad asked about you. He wanted to know when you're coming down to take it for another spin."

I smiled. I loved that boat in a way that was way more than purely plutonic. "Soon," I said.

"Good," Lauren said happily. "Whatcha been doin'?"

I felt instantly guilty. I guess that was a good thing. If I didn't feel guilty then that meant that I really didn't have a conscience. But, I did.

"Well, I've been working on little things," I said. That was the truth. "And I've been training Shay."

"Training?"

"Yeah. We've been hitting the gym. I'm helping her lose some weight. I'm using what you taught me." I figured the last line was necessary. Imitation was the greatest form of flattery...or something.

"You've been doing that a lot?" Lauren guessed.

"Well, every day," I admitted. "Shay's already lost sixteen pounds. I've really put her through the paces."

"I bet you have."

I winced. That tone was bad.

"Laur?"

"I leave and you latch onto her?"

I knew she didn't mean that literally, but there was no way I couldn't think about my teeth in Shay's shoulder.

"It's not like that. Jake--"

"Jake's different," Lauren said quickly. "Doing Jake things is fine. Where's Jake while you're training?"

"He's in the playroom," I said quietly.

Lauren didn't reply. I was almost expecting to hear the tone of an angry hang up. Finally, I heard a sigh.

"Nick, you're playing with fire."

"What?"

"Never mind."

"No, what do you mean I'm playing with fire?"

Lauren's voice was teary. "You just need to think about what you really want, Nick. I'm wearing your ring. Don't forget that."

"Laur," I said gently. "I know that. I'm just trying to help her and get to know her a little more. It's for Jake."

It was a lame excuse. I didn't kiss her for Jake. Did I?

"Nick, we've never been anything but honest with each other. Just remember that, okay?"

It was like her Nicky-sense was at play. I needed to come clean about the kiss.

"Okay," I said. I didn't go on. I couldn't. I didn't have the balls.

"I love you."

"I love you too," I said. "Have fun. See you soon."

"Behave."

The behave rang in my ears long after we hung up. Had I ever behaved?

When would I begin?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Shay? Oh, Shay!"

I hadn't seen mom in awhile, but she hadn't changed. Wait, I take that back. She actually looked younger than when I had last seen her.

Her plastic surgeon was probably buying another house as we spoke.

"Oh, honey! Look at you!"

Mom stopped just in front of me. She didn't touch me. The statement hung thick in the air. Mom finally smiled at me, nodding. "You look...robust."

Robust. Robust? I had just lost sixteen pounds! Maybe more after the workout this morning. Grr...

Mom's eyes traveled down me, lingering at my stomach. There was silent disappointment. Luckily, she was instantly distracted by the blonde head popping in and out from between my knees.

"Jacob! Oh, look how big you are!"

Jake face-planted right into the back of my knee. His fingers dug into my pants.

"He's a little shy," I said. Mom slowly crouched down. She touched the floor and made a face. She wiggled her fingers trying to get the floor dust off.

"Jake, I'm your--"

At that moment a gorgeous guy walked by. He couldn't have been more than twenty-five. He flashed mom a bright smile; she blushed. She didn't continue until he was gone, and even then she was whispering.

"I'm your grandma Tiffany. You can call me Tiffany."

Of course he could. Jake peeked at her.

"You've got lots of cake on your face," he said seriously.

Mom laughed. "This is my makeup. I'm a famous actress. Would you like to see where I work?"

Jake looked up at me. His hand reached around and took mine. I smiled at him and nodded encouragingly.

"Let's take a quick tour," I said. "I'm on my lunch break," I added. Mom didn't seem to care. I knew I would be stuck there until she was done with me. At least a tour was the best thing that could happen. It would mean less 'family' talk and just business.

Mom was at her best when she was talking business.

Unfortunately, mom adidn't know how to talk to anyone younger than eighteen. Jake stuck close to my side, his little hand clammy in mind as she called everything by its technical name and threw out random names. I don't know what she was thinking; it wasn't like Jake and I wined and dined with the in-crowd every day of his life. Twenty minutes in, Jake was getting frustrated. He began to whine.

I couldn't blame him. I wanted to whine too.

"Mom," I said, breaking in at one point when she was describing the different cameras. I scooped Jake into my arms. "He's a little young to get all of this."

Mom looked at me in surprise. Jake slapped at a huge microphone behind my shoulder and smiled when it crackled. That was his level of fun.

"Francie was right," she continued as if I hadn't interrupted her. "He doesn't look like you."

I bristled. "He looks like Nick."

"Well, Jake's adorable. This Nick must be pretty good looking. It's just like you to let a good thing slip away."

I scowled. Everything was always my fault. "Let's not get into that. Just--"

"Mr. Blake! Kevin/Blake! Hi! Hi-Hi!"

I swung around so fast I almost hit Jake's head on the mic. He ducked just in time. My mouth dropped open.

Kevin stared at me; I'm sure he was just as surprised to see me as I was to see him.

No, I take that back. I was totally more surprised. Not only was he on the set, seemingly fresh from make-up, but he also had his hand wrapped around my sister's waist. Francie frowned. It looked like it took a lot - she must have joined the Botox revolution.

"Kevy, you know Shay?"

Shit.

Chapter Forty-Five

"You're scum. You're more than scum. You're the scum that grows on scum."

My hands were pressed tightly to Jake's ears. He was squirming, but I didn't care.

"You dumped me," Kev replied. I don't know how I had ever found him attractive. I just kept seeing his hand looped around Francie's waist. How many more women had he slept with since I last saw him?

"You cheated on me!"

"I told you it was a weak moment."

I wanted to strangle him, but it would have meant letting go of Jake. I hissed so hard that I let out a whistle.

"So, I dump you and you run to L.A. and track down, of all people, my sister? You're a fucking jackass."

He looked down. Jake squirmed more.

"I didn't know Francie was your sister."

The words floated in the air between us. We both knew that was a lie.

"I told you my mother and sister were on Heartbeat. I told you who my mother was. You might be a sonovabitch, but you're not dumb."

Kevin had the audacity to produce a tear. Jake grabbed my hand, but I barely felt it.

"I guess I was hoping some day you'd come to see your mom or your sister and I'd see you again," he said huskily. It was the same tone he had used while banging me up against my bathroom sink. "I'm only with her because it makes me feel closer to you. I love you."

I let go of Jake's ears and scooped him up. He hand rubbed at his lobes in annoyance. My eyes were trained on Kevin. He stepped forward and stroked my cheek, his eyes full of hope. He was waiting for me to melt. I had a different plan. I steeled myself.

"Tell me if this is close enough," I spat.

And I shoved the toe of my shoe right into his crotch.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Can you watch Jake?"

Shay sounded like she had snorted honey. Her voice was level, but it was the type of level that was a half a shot away from crazy.

"What's wrong?"

"Long story."

"I've got time. I also have a Subway that's located absolutely half-way between your house and mine."

"Nick..."

"Let me come over. It's dinner time. If you're sick of me after a sub, then I'll take Jake and you can be alone."

Shay snorted. "I'm only using you for the sub."

I smiled. "That's okay."

Forty-five minutes later, Jake opened the door, eyeing the light yellow bags I was holding.

"I'm real hung-ee," he said. He stepped back. "I didn't get lunch and the wormies in my tummy are going NUM NUM NUM!"

"Why do you have wormies in your tummy?" I asked. I couldn't help it; I friggin' loved the way his mind worked.

"Because they help me chew my food!" Jake explained. I held out his bag and he took it, dunking his head halfway in. "Woast beef!"

Shay was pouring lemonade as I followed Jake into the kitchen. She looked up at me and sighed.

"Jake was telling me he didn't get lunch. What happened?"

"A crazy lady with balloon boobies told mommy we had to go to the dungeon," Jake said. He yanked his sandwich out and flapped the kitchen packets in the air. I took one and tore the corner with my teeth. I didn't take my eyes off of Shay.

"Balloon boobies?"

"I went to the gym before work. I wanted to get everything out of the way and just be a bum tonight," she explained. "But I ran into my sister."

"She has balloon boobies?"

"Let the boobies go," Shay said. I slid her turkey sandwich towards her. She pulled it out of the wrapper and played with her packet of low-fat mayo. I flipped my chair around and straddled it. After all, it was the only way to eat a sub.

"What happened? You two don't get along?"

"Like oil and water," Shay said with a smirk. "She forced me into going to see her and mom on the soap set."

I thought hard. The first day we had met Shay had mentioned her mom was on a soap opera. It was...

"Heartbeat," I said aloud. Shay nodded. "The one and only."

"It didn't go so well?"

Shay laughed. She applied the mayo and smacked her bun back down. "It was a train wreck. Mom told Jake he could call her Tiffany. She proceeded to walk around talking to Jake like he had just graduated with a Master's Degree in visual Communication. When I explained that she was being ridiculous, she decided to take a jab at me."

"And we saw Kevin/Blake!" Jake said.

It wasn't the right time for my to take a big bite of my sandwich. A pepperocini slid down my throat the wrong way causing me to sputter. I downed half the lemonade, still feeling the burn.

"You saw who?"

"We saw Kevin," Shay said. She yanked a piece of lettuce off and started to gnaw. "He's a new character on the soap. And he's dating my sister."

"Balloon boobies?"

Shay gave me a look. I rubbed my throat. "You're joking right. Did you tell him your mom and sister were the stars?"

"Of course I did!" Shay exclaimed. She lifted her sandwich and took a big bite. I watched her chew vigorously as if she was going to grind the thing into nothingness.

"Then why the hell--"

"He said," Shay said quietly. "that he was only dating her because it made him feel closer to me."

My anger pot, that was already bubbling at the sound of Kev's name, boiled over. I had used a lot of shitty ass lines in my life, but that took the cake.

"You've got to be kidding me," I said coldly.

"Oh, that's not it," Shay said. She flushed. "He told me he loved me. Then he stroked my cheek."

"And mommy hurted my ears cause she wouldn't let them go!" Jake added. He handed me another ketchup packet. I tore this one with my fingers. "What did you do?"

Shay leaned over and cupped Jake's ears. He rolled his eyes and sighed. I handed the ketchup packet back to him. "I did the only thing I could. I sent his junk so far up his ass that he'll be pissing out his throat."

Shay dropped her hands. I stared at her for a long moment. Then I smiled.

"Thatta girl." I was expecting Shay to laugh, or to hold up a fist and mimic the movement. Instead she began to cry.

"It's not fair. Why can't I meet a nice guy? I don't want to spend my life kicking guys in the gonads."

I didn't know how to answer that. I stared at her, my mouth open, while she dabbed at her face with one of the brown earth-friendly Subway napkins.

"Hey mommy?"

Jake was watching her in concern. He held out his hand. Shay smiled weakly and took it.

"What buddy?"

"It's going to be okay. Daddy's nice. He's gonna take care of us."

Jake smiled at me proudly. I couldn't help it; his wisdom hit home. I wrapped my hand over both Jake and Shay's.

"He's right," I said. "I'm going to take care of both of you."

Chapter Forty Six

It took every fiber of my being to get up early and go to the gym, Nick had taken Jake for mthe night, leaving me a lot of time to think.

For once, I didn't drown my sorrows in ice cream. I didn't wallow over Oreos.

Instead, I thought about Nick.

Nick was a good guy. He was handsome. He was funny. We had chemistry.

We had Jake.

The problem was Lauren. Lauren had more than two years of history with him. He had proposed to her.

I have never in my life been the type of person to screw anyone else over. I've constantly been the screw-ee rather than the screw-er.

But I was getting sick of the footprints in my back. At first I thought that maybe my best course of action was to go back to thinking that I didn't need anyone. But, that was a lonely existance to look forward to. I deserved love.

And was it really so wrong to think that maybe Jake could have his mother and father together?

With each pounding footstep on the treadmill, I imagined myself becoming stronger. I was rationalizing. If Nick was so in love with Lauren, why would he kiss me? Would it be so hard to get him for good?

Was that what I wanted?

Yes.

"Try it at a higher angle. You'll get more of a workout on your lower legs."

I swatted at my hair and turned towards the sound of the voice.

"I'm sorry," I scanned his gym staff badge. "Micah, but I don't need help."

He smiled. Damnit, I couldn't even offend people when I tried. "Sorry. I have to fill my 'helpful tip' quota for the day."

I turned back to the treadmill. "Good luck with that."

"If you're ever interested, we have a full list of classes. Zumba's popular right now."

It was hard to breathe and talk at the same time. "My ass doesn't move to music. It's barely keeping up with the run."

Micah laughed. "It's all in the hips. Not the ass."

I didn't answer. The next time I looked, Mr. Helpful had gone. I slowed the treadmill to a slow five minute walk. After I hopped off and wiped the sweat pouring from my neck, I headed to the weights.

I had a mission. I was like Rocky. I was going to become a knock-out.

Operation Carter, here I come.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"I'm not sure I'm qualified."

"You're all I've got."

"I'm fresh out of rehab. What if I need to meditate? How can I meditate?"

I sighed. "J, I'll be gone an hour tops. I promise you that this won't screw up your meditation."

"Your kid better not cause me to drink."

We both smiled. It was cool that he could joke about it. I was tense enough as it is.

"Jake's an angel. Jake!"

Jake was currently flying through the house. I had made the mistake of taking him to the mall the night before and buying him those shoes with roller skates in the bottoms. He hadn't quite figured out the 'stop' portion.

"DADDY! LOOK! I'M ROW-IN!"

J and I watched him fly past. He slammed into the wall, fell on his butt, and started to laugh.

"One-hundred percent Carter," AJ declared. I slapped his back.

"Damn straight. That's my boy."

I walked over to Jake and stood him back up. He swished back and forth in my arms.

"Jake, my friend AJ is going to hang out with you for an hour. Is that okay?"

"Where ya goooo-in?"

"I've got to go to the dentist."

Okay, it was a lie. But it was a safe lie. There was no way Jake would want to go with me.

Sure enough, Jake wrinkled his nose. "I hope you don't have caw-a-titties."

AJ started to laugh. I kissed Jake's forehead. "I hope I don't either. Be good."

"Okay!" Jake looked up at AJ. "I like your neck picture."

"Do you want one?"

Jake looked excited. "Yeah!"

"Uh, J?"

J winked. He held up a temporary tattoo. I exhaled in relief.

Amazingly, I had a feeling a little time with a kiddo was going to be good therapy for J. I grabbed my keys.

"Be back soon!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"What do you mean there's a problem with the scheduling?"

The woman on the other end of the phone was grating on my nerves. I smacked my forehead.

"Oprah's in charge of the scheduling. If she doesn't think there's a problem, there's not a problem."

The woman's voice grew to a feverish pitch.

"I'll make sure to pass along the message," I said. I hung up.

My desk was piled in work, none of which seemed overly earth-shattering. I had only been at my new job for a ridiculously short time and I was bored. I was pretty much required to buffer complaints and organize the company e-mails.

A field mouse could have handled it.

I knew there had to be a better job for me. The only issue was that I never took the initiative. I never took the chance.

But, that was old Shay. New Shay was full of chance.

New Shay threw the woman's phone message in the trash and brought up three sites chock full of job opportunities.

And, depending on what I found, New Shay was also tempted to throw her resume out there and hope for a catch.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My plan was simple. I was going to wait at the back entrance to the soundstage of Heartbeat until Kevin's slimy ass walked up. Then I was going to back him up against the wall and let him have it.

Unfortunately, I hadn't planned on Kevin showing up with balloon boobies.

Shay's sister was extremely unattractive. There's no doubt that I'm a boob man, but everything about her screamed fake L.A. She could have passed for a Paris clone.

And I hate Paris.

Balloon boobies had her hand in Kev's back pocket. His arm was draped over his shoulder. They stopped at the door and Kev kissed her neck. She giggled.

"We're late," she said.

"I think they'll forgive us," Kev teased.

My fingers curled into a fist. My plan wasn't going to work out perfectly. But I wasn't just going to walk away.

"We need to talk."

Kev's head twisted in my direction. "Wha--"

"We need to talk. ALONE."

Kev nudged her. "Go on."

"Are you sure? He looks mad."

Kev smiled. "Old friend. Go ahead."

We both waited until the door slammed shut behind her. The moment it did, I moved. I yanked Kevin.

He didn't budge.

"Why are you here?" he asked.

I was a tad taller than he was now. I glared at him. My last shred of respect for him was long gone.

"I'm here because of this game you're playing."

"What game?"

"With Shay."

Kev smirked. "I don't think I'm the one playing a game. She dumped me."

"So you date her sister?"

"I'm expanding my horizons."

"What is this, your mid-life crisis? Are you just sampling the whole Gerard buffet? Have you screwed her mom too?"

The worst part about the whole thing was that Kevin didn't deny it. I blanched.

"You're disgusting."

"This has nothing to do with you, Nick," Kev said impatiently.

"It has everything to do with me. You're messing with my family."

"Shay isn't your family."

I stepped back like he had hit me. "Yes, she is."

Kev shook his head. "When are you going to admit that you're fucking Lauren over with your obsession with Shay?"

"I'm not obsessed with her. She's the mother of my--"

"I didn't stand a chance because you couldn't stand the thought of her with me," Kev said coldly. "It's a shame, too. We were amazing together. You know, girls like that are great because they're so desperate for some dick they'll do anything. I knew it the minute I saw her walking through the parking lot. She was my perfect rebound."

I didn't ask him what he meant. I just processed the words and let them burn at me like acid.

And then I took a swing.

Kevin ducked and my knuckles scraped the brick building. He went to dodge me, but I got a leg out and he went flat on the ground. I body slammed him before flipping him over. MY bloody knuckles grabbed at his shirt. He turned his head and expelled a big drop of blood. He had busted his lip.

"If you ever try to contact her again, I will make your life a living hell. God, I don't know what happened between you and Kris, but she's better off without you. So's Mason. You're a total fuck up."

I spent too long talking. My mouth always gets me into trouble. Kev's elbow connected with my head, momentarily filling my vision with white bursts of light.

"Maybe I'm just taking a page from your book," he said. He scrambled to his feet and kicked me. "Fuck 'em and leave 'em. Right? The man who can't commit."

I pushed up off the ground. My ribs ached. Kev was breathing hard. We dodged each other for several mintues. I was faster than him; it was probably a result of Shay's punch to his nads. I had advantage.

"You're gonna need a little bit of realignment," I growled. I flung my entire weight into the forward momentum of my arm.

The crack of his jaw was oddly satisfying. I left him to crawl into the building, tail tucked and wounded.

Something told me he wouldn't be shooting any love scenes today.

Chapter Forty Seven

"Why are your knuckles swollen?"

Nick glanced down at the fingers that were wrapped around his fork. Jake leaned towards me.

"The dentist bit him."

"The dentist?"

Jake squirmed in his seat. "Ayyyee-J gave me this!"

He tilted his head. I saw a long, mishaped black blob on his neck.

Nick's face turned red.

"What did I miss while I was at work?" I asked.

We started at each other. My eyes widened. I don't know why, but I knew by his guilty look what he had done.

"You didn't."

"Now, don't overreact."

"I took care of it!"

"I just added some extra toppings!"

"Are we eating ice cweam for dessert?" Jake asked hopefully.

"No, you're getting some chocolate Teddy Grahams," I said, addressing Jake. I went back to Nick. "It's done. It's over. It doesn't bother me anymore."

"Well, it bothers me. I've known him my whole life and he's gone off the deep end. And he hurt you."

"Who hurt mommy?"

I sighed. A little mind trying to worm its way into an adult conversation wasn't working.

"After dinner," I said.

Nick nodded.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I delayed the inevitable for as long as possible. Even though Jake didn't really need help spilling his milk (aka his Teddy Graham swimming pool) all over himself, it certainly didn't hurt to splash a little more on.

Or to be the first one to suggest he get a bath.

"This is Pirate Ducky. He has a wed hat, a bwack patch, and a bwue banana and he goes quack, quack, ARGH!"

"ARGH! That thar is a bandana not a banana matie!" I growled in Pirate- ese. Jake burst into giggles. Shay pressed her hand lightly over his eyes and poured a cup of water over his soapy hair. The minute she let go, Jake stood up.

"You're not done," Shay said patiently.

"ARGH," he said, sinking back down.

When he was done, I got the honor of wrapping the squirmy baby butt in a towel and hoisting him out of the tub. A stream of water trickled off his toes as I let him swing in the air. He hugged me tightly.

"That was the best bath ever!" he declared. Shay smiled. I took the edge of the towel and brushed a bubble off his nose.

"Agreed," I said. I kissed his cheek. "Pajama time?"

"Aye, aye!"

The more time I spent with Jake, the more I noticed he latched onto things easily. For what seemed like the millionth night in a row, he had to wear these red pajamas with paw prints. He fell back, legs in the air, as I scooted the bottoms up. Once I was done, he flipped over until he rolled off the bed.

"Can I watch Thomas?" he asked. He held up a DVD.

"Well..."

"Sure. Just a couple," Shay said. I hadn't noticed her in the doorway. She came over and took the DVD from Jake. He scrambled into bed.

I had been about to make an excuse that TV before bed wasn't good. I say excuse because I was delaying the 'Kevin' talk with Shay. Instead, Jake crawled back onto bed, cupping his head in his hands. Thomas lit up the screen. Jake did a full-body shake of delight.

"I'll come check on you," Shay promised/warned. She ruffled his hair and gave me a look.

"C'mon Nick."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Nick couldn't stall anymore. Jake was happily watching the trains go down the track and Nick and I were sitting face to face on the couch.

The couch.

"First off, thank you," I said softly. Nick's eyes widened in surprise.

"Thank you?"

"You didn't have to do that today."

"Yes, I did."

"Did it make you feel better?" I asked. Nick sighed.

"Not really. It's just his behavior's so odd. He's acting like me. I mean, like me before. Not now. Because I'm not that way now."

He was rambling. It was cute...endearing even. I laughed. "I know that."

"You do?"

"Nick, it's in everything you do. The way you are with Jake. What you did today."

"So you're not mad?"

I shook my head. "I'm not mad." I bit my cheek to stop myself from grinning.

"But what the heck was that thing on Jake's neck?"

Nick had the decency to look sheepish. "AJ watched him while I went to the studio."

I didn't know a lot about AJ. What I had seen looked...wild. Nick seemed to read my face.

"It didn't go bad! J gave him that temporary tattoo. I think it was supposed to be a skull, but it came out looking more like a paintball blow."

I laughed. "Yes, it did."

"And there was the one small thing with my dog, but..."

"What thing?"

Nick was trying so hard not to laugh. "Jake accidentally let Silas out the front door. J went after him, but by the time he got back...Jake locked him out."

I gasped. "He didn't."

I guess they played a half-hour game of "Jake, May I?" before Jake 'remembered' how to turn the lock.

"What am I going to do with that boy?" I asked. We both smiled. We both knew the answer.

We were going to love him to pieces. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Daddy, one more."

"Jake..."

"Pwease?"

I glanced over at Shay. She sighed. "One more."

Jake beamed. He patted the bed.

"Daddy, come watch."

"I'm going to go clean up the kitchen," Shay said. "Let him watch one more. That's it. Okay?"

I nodded. "One more."

Shay left the doorway. I crawled into Jake's bed. He took my arm and crawled right up to my chest. I could feel his heart beating under my palm.

I don't get Thomas the Train Engine. I guess just because it's a train, its cool. But there was something about those big eyes that moved weird that creeped me out. I've heard the newer, more animated, version isn't that bad. But the originals were scarier than a dozen horror movies I had seen lately.

On the plus side, the bed was warm. And it was nice holding Jake with his head propped on my arm and my head propped on his Buzz Lightyear pillow.

Everything suddenly reminded me of home when I was little. The sounds from the kitchen were mom making bottles for Angel and Aaron. The TV on low was dad watching the basketball game with me in my room, underneath my city made of chairs draped with sheets.

I'm pretty sure I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

Chapter Forty Eight

Nick had looked a lot like a male version of Goldilocks sleeping in Baby Bears' bed when I went to check on the two of them that night. His feet hung over the sides of the bed and his left arm drifting towards the ground. But his right arm was locked tight around Jake and our son was curled up to Nick's chest, a perfect miniature, and both of them were smiling.

I didn't have the heart to wake them up. There was no reason. He was just a dad who had fallen asleep putting his son to bed. So instead, I dug out a blanket from the hall closet and draped it over the duo, tucking it gently under Jake's chin. I pressed a kiss to his little forehead; for good measure, the big blonde forehead got one too.

It took me forever to fall asleep in my own bed that night. I thought about how nice it would be to have someone to snuggle up to every night. The problem was making sure the snuggler would be there for good.

Somewhere in all that, I had to have drifted off. The next thing I knew, I heard a clatter from the bathroom and a happy exclamation. It was better than the call of the rooster; it was Jake's declaration that it was officially morning.

I got up, yanked my hair back into a sloppy excuse for a ponytail, and followed the sound of the noise. When I got to the bathroom doom, I saw Nick first. Then I saw Jake standing on the toilet. I grinned.

"Step one is that you have to hold onto the can."

"It's a big can!" Jake exclaimed. He was clutching my shaving cream, the one that smelled like mandarin oranges. Nick grinned.

"Well, it's an important job. Now, for step two I'm gonna hold out my hand and you're gonna press the top, okay? But hold on."

Jake's tongue popped out of the corner of his mouth as he concentrated on holding the can and pressing the nozzle. Nick held out his hand, palm open. A second later, a mountain of cream filled the empty void.

"Perfect! Put the can down."

Jake turned and put it on the top of the tank. He turned back to Nick, giving him his undivided attention.

"Okay, so now we have to put the cream on our face. Like this."

Nick tilted his head back rubbed the cream all along his jawline and slightly on his neck. He took one last blob and did the same to Jake's face. Jake leaned over and stared at the both of them in the mirror. He started to laugh.

"Careful," Nick warned. "It smells good, but it tastes bad."

Somehow I figured he knew that from personal experience.

"Now, we have to shave our whiskers," Nick said. "We have to look good for the ladies right?"

"Right!" Jake chirped. "For mommy!"

Nick laughed. "Right on." He held up a brand new pink razor that I knew he had found scattered on the top shelf of the medicine cabinet. There they were out of Jake's reach, but close enough in case I suddenly found myself with a dull dud.

"Watch closer," Nick said. Jake pressed his elbows down on the sink and looked up.

It shouldn't have been so hypnotic watching a man shave, but Nick made it look good. It was the hands. I don't know why I was just realizing it, but the man had amazing hands. They would bring the razor down in a swift, sure line, and then with a flick of his wrist, he would send the used cream parasailing down into the basin of water.

I had to give it to him. For using a woman's razor, he didn't cut himself once. He splashed a handful of water on his fresh-shaven chin and grabbed a towel. Jake stood back up.

"My turn!"

Jake looked like a miniature version of santa Claus. The cream had dried slightly in drips, creating the appearance of a beard. I saw Nick slide the plastic safety over the razor while Jake was still hopping.

"Okay, your turn."

Jake stood perfectly still, his eyes squeezed shut and his head tossed back, as Nick 'shaved' his face. I had never seen Jake stay in one spot for so long. Nick flicked the last bit of cream into the sink with a flourish.

"All done. Let's wash you off."

Jake mimicked Nick's face splash and then grabbed a towel and planted his whole face directly in the center. Nick glanced in the mirror, his eyes sparkling. He mouthed 'Good Morning.'

Something told me he had known I was standing there the whole time.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I had known Shay was standing in the bathroom doorway the whole time. I know it sounds stupid, but it was kinda sexy having her watch me shave.

"Mommy, I shaved!" Jake said happily. He scrambled off the toilet and ran to her. She touched his face.

"SMOOTH!" she announced. She ran a hand through his head.

"Want an omelet, Nick?" she asked. "Egg whites with green pepper?"

I turned the sink tap on, rinsing away the last of the father/son tutorial. "Sounds great."

I knew I probably should have left. I had only accidentally fallen asleep.

But, I didn't want to go.

Lauren was going to murder me. I knew that even if I explained that I slept in Jake's room, she wasn't going to be happy.

That was why I wasn't going to tell her.

Breakfast was uneventful. Jake actively gave a play-by-play of shaving his whiskers off, with me breaking in only to correct him when his recount started to get two wild.

"I didn't see any aliens with lasers shooting our whiskers off," I said. Shay laughed. Jake shrugged.

"You had your eyes-eys closed."

And that was a good enough reason for me.

"Thanks for breakfast," I said an hour later. "I better get going. Is it your day off?"

Shay nodded. "Yup, it is. I'm going to head to the gym."

"How about if I meet up with you tonight?" I asked. I don't know what made me say it. My mouth sometimes didn't check-in with my brain. "I think you're ready for a jog in the park."

Shay's mouth fell open in protest. Jake heard the word 'park' and it was all over.

"I wanna go! I wanna go to the p-aw-k!"

"Whaddya say?" I asked. I knew Shay couldn't say no, not with Jake so pumped up about going. She gave me a look and stretched out her leg behind her.

"I say...seven. Be there on time or I start without you."

I laughed. "Deal."

Chapter Forty Nine

If I'm not mistaken, the definition of a day off is as follows - noun: a day when you are not required to work; a day away from work, school, or a similar obligation; a free day.

I'm pretty sure most people understand the definition of a day off.

Not Oprah. Well, at least not the higher beings of the OWN network. I was sprawled on the floor with Jake making Lite Bright rocket ships when my phone rang the first time. Just by the ringtone, I knew who it was.

And that's why I chose to ignore it. However, they were persistant. It was hard to listen to Jake's story about the astronaut whose spaceship ran out of green beans when I had my home phone battling with my cell and 'Take This Job and Shove It' vibrating its melody from the floor every few minutes.

"Just a sec, honey," I finally said. I hit connect and sat up. Jake studied a green bulb and shoved it through the black paper.

"Hello?"

"Oh good, you answered." I wasn't sure who it was from the building, but then again everyone had the same mission: please Oprah.

I rolled my eyes. "What can I do for you?"

"Oprah wants to talk to you."

I coughed. "What? It's my day off."

"She needs to talk to you. Today. Now."

"I'm sorry, but I can't wave a magic wand and get a sitter out of thin air."

"The daycare's open today."

Thanks to Oprah and her foresight, the one major excuse that would typically be an easy out was foiled. I glanced at Jake and sighed.

"I'll be there in twenty minutes."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here's the thing: I smelled like oranges and I kinda liked it. I wasn't the type of guy to overuse women's shaving cream, mind you, but I have to admit I would use Shay's stuff again if I had to.

My mind was going through a list of all of the orange things I loved as I walked up the walk to my front door. I was jonesin' for some Tropicana. I whistled softly as I unlocked the door and headed in.

I never even got a chance to get my O.J.

"Where were you?"

I froze.

"You're back early."

That probably wasn't the right thing to say, but it was true. Lauren was sitting on the couch, Silas sprawled across her lap.

"I've been back since late last night. Where were you?"

Those were three little words that made little sweat driblets start at my hairline.

"It's a funny story," I began.

Lauren didn't laugh.

"I had Jake yesterday afternoon and I dropped him off at Shay's. He wanted me to watch Thomas the Tank Engine with him before I came home and I kinda...fell asleep."

"You fell asleep," Lauren repeated. "At Shay's."

"With Jake," I stressed. "In his little bed. Big ole' me. Itty bitty bed."

Laur stood up, Silas sliding onto the floor. He looked confused for a second before his big paws propelled him off somewhere, no doubt to pee in a place I wouldn't find until much, much later.

"Nick, stop lying to me," she said quietly.

"I'm not lying to you," I said. "Honest."

"You really expect me to believe that you fell asleep in Jake's bed and nothing else happened. And you didn't wake up until ten even though you were probably uncomfortable?"

"I wasn't uncomfortable. I stayed to show Jake how to shave."

"You shaved there?"

Laur leaned in and sniffed. "You smell like oranges. Oh my god, you smell like women's shaving cream. Did you use her razor?"

"Yeah, but it was a new one."

I'm not exactly sure of the symbolism of a woman's razor, but I guess it's worse than admitting you've slept with someone. Lauren exploded.

"I can't believe you! What should I be prepared for next? A story about how you just felt so homey and daddy-dearest-like that you kissed Shay before you left?"

I shook my head. "No, I didn't kiss her today. Besides, that other time was just an accident." It was only after I said it that I realized how fucking stupid I was.

Shay and I had agreed to keep it our little secret. I had just gone and blown it. I had just sealed my death warrant.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Do you realize what you've done? You've almost ruined a multi-million dollar deal."

I had met Oprah a bunch of times. She's a very sweet lady; really, she is. But she's also a businesswoman.

And I had jacked up big time.

I hadn't realized that the woman I had cut off about scheduling the other day had been Rosie O'Donnell. But Oprah knew. Oprah knew all.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to explain--"

"Let me explain something. There are a million people who would die for your position. Your work ethic in Chicago was impeccable. Here you've clocked in late more times than not, your work has been sloppy..."

I decided that honesty was the best policy. I mean, who can lie to Oprah?

"I know," I said. "I guess I'm just bored. I know I can do more important things. If I could just have a few more stimulating tasks--"

"You upset Rosie. How are you deserving of more important tasks?"

I refused to cry. I was tired of being a doormat. I sat up straight and looked her right in the eyes. "I'm human and I made a mistake. You can't punish a person for being fallible, but you could let me prove myself. If you can do it, I can do it."

I thought the last line sounded good. It was a kind of 'if you build it, they will come' moment.

But Oprah thought differently. The pink slip she silently slid across the desk was all the answer I needed.

Ready or not, it was time for a change.

Chapter Fifty

"You kissed her?"

"It was a weak moment. We were having a mature conversation about Jake and we had a little wine--"

"You drank with her?"

Lauren was freaking out more than she had when I told her I had a son. I mean, I didn't blame her. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I'm not perfect. And I had messed up big time. You don't kiss another woman when you have a fiancee.

"We both agreed it wouldn't happen again," I said with frustration.

"I was afraid of this," Lauren said angrily.

"Is that why you're back early?"

The silent 'yes' seemed to be dancing in invisible air particles around us. Laur took a deep breath.

"I shouldn't have to be jealous," she said quietly.

"You're right," I agreed. "But I don't understand why you've never been jealous until now."

"You've never given me a reason to be," she answered.

We both knew that was a lie. In the beginning, when I didn't know squat about committed relationships, I had cheated on her. Yet, she had stuck by me.

This was different.

"Fine," she said after a long pause. "Shay is different. And ya wanna know why? She's different because she has Jake. And no matter what, Jake is always going to be the bridge between you two. The friggin' Grand Canyon could seperate the two of you--"

"And Jake's always going to close the divide," I finished.

"Exactly."

I watched silently as Lauren slipped off her ring. She held it out, her eyes filled with sadness.

"You don't know what you want yet," she said quietly. "I just want you to be man enough to tell me that to my face."

Shit. I didn't do this stuff well. I stared at the diamond sparkling back at me, unable to keep the tears out of my eyes.

"I'm scared because I don't know if there could be anything there with Shay. We never had a chance to test those waters. And yet, I already know there's something good between you and me and I don't want to lose a sure thing."

Lauren smiled. "When have you ever gone with the sure thing?"

"Maybe it's time to start."

Lauren shook her head. "Nick, take the ring."

"I don't want to fail again," I said strongly.

"You're not failing," she murmured. "I love you enough to want you happy. Let's give it six months. If it's still me, I'll be waiting. If it's not..."

I was ready for it. I was waiting for her to tell me that hell could freeze over before I'd see her again.

"If it's not, I want to be your friend."

I was blindsided. "My friend?" She laughed. "Yeah, a friend. You know, the type of human you talk to and share jokes but you don't have sex with?"

"Oh, yeah, one of those," I said awkwardly. "Can we do that?"

"We could try," she said.

I took the ring gingerly from her. "Can I ask you a question?"

She nodded. "Sure."

"Why am I not writhing on the ground in pain right now?"

She stepped close and hugged me tightly. The prong of the ring cut into my palm. "Because I've already spent a few days on a big ass boat thinking about this. And I realized that ever since this happened, we've been running on fast forward. Let's just slow down. Okay?"

I let out a sigh of relief. "Okay."

"And besides, there might be a slight chance I've had a few accidental flirtations with this guy that works at our gym..."

"What?!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Being unemployed wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, I had only been unemployed for, oh, five hours, but I hadn't had a meltdown yet. That was a plus.

I actually felt relieved. I felt excited about the future. My positive outlook was telling me I was going to find something amazing to do. And soon.

Until then, my exuberance was filling me with good thoughts about my exercise routine. I smiled as I laced up my sneakers tightly. Nick had called; our jog through the park was still on. Jake was jumping around the park bench I was sitting on, watching the lights on his sneakers reflect off the bright green grass.

"Here comes daddy!" he announced.

Nick strolled towards us slowly. I was surprised Jake recognized him; the hoodie over his head and his baggy jogging pants made him look like anyone else. Or a mugger. Either way.

"You ready?" he asked. I hopped off the bench. "Ready."

Nick scooped Jake up. "Hold onto my neck, kiddo. It's gonna be a bumpy ride."

"There's trouble on the tracks!" Jake yelled happily.

I'm pretty sure Nick mumbled something about too much Thomas.

We started off slow and quiet. It took me a minute to remember that breathing out of my mouth was helpful. Once we got into a rhythm and Jake stopped screaming 'birds, stwaight ahead!' I felt like I could talk and jog simultaneously.

"So I had an interesting day," I said lightly.

"You too?"

"Too?"

"What happened with you?"

A few teenagers were playing volleyball with a net tied between two large trees. The sound of the hard leather hitting ready hands was cathartic.

"I got fired by Oprah," I said carelessly.

Nick stumbled, held fast to Jake, and kept up with me. "You what!?"

"I'm unemployed," I said.

"And this is a good thing?"

I laughed. "Totally. I have my trust fund and I'm not going to settle this time. I'm going to find my dream job."

"Like an ice cweam man!" Jake said. Nick laughed.

"What happened with you?" I asked.

Nick stopped laughing. I slowed; he slowed.

"Lauren came home early. Last night, in fact."

My heart sank. It was easy to be competitive over a guy when your competition was across the country.

"Did she wonder where you were?" I asked.

"Yup. So, I told her."

"And?"

Nick lifted Jake off his shoulders. We had neared the playground without me even realizing it.

"Wanna play?" Nick asked.

It was a stupid question. Jake was already eyeing the plank bridge. "Yeah!"

"Go for it. Mommy and I are gonna stand right here and watch you."

Jake took off. I kept an eye on him and turned back to Nick. He ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm no longer engaged," he said just as matter-of-factly as I had announced my firing. "And it's partly because of you."

"Should I be worried?"

Nick smiled. "Only if you don't want to take a chance."

The implications of that were too numerable to count. My mind raced through a thousand scenarios; all of which seemed enticing.

Oh boy.

Chapter Fifty One

"What kind of chance?"

Nick's eyes followed Jake as he crawled along a metal connecting bar from one part of the playground equipment to the other.

"I want the chance to see if we could work."

Yes. "I'm willing to try," I said softly. "But, I have to ask. Where does Lauren stand in all of this?" Nick didn't look at me, but I saw his lips curve into a smile.

"She's giving me time to make my decision," he laughed. He actually laughed. "She's a lot more like me than I thought."

"Well, sometimes opposites attract," I said. Nick turned and looked at me seriously.

"Very true."

"MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYY!!!"

You know how people always go, 'But, I just took my eyes off him for a minute!'? I was suddenly living that scenario. Jake was on the ground, his voice like nails going down a chalkboard. Nick and I both flew to him.

"MOOO-HOM--MY!" Jake bawled. The tears were coming faster than his face cold hold them.

Nick noticed his wrist first. "Uh-oh."

Jake's wrist was turned in an unnatural position. He was holding his elbow which was bleeding badly, his little chest heaving. Nick scooped him up. I wrapped my arms around him, subsequently the both of them, and murmured into Jake's hair, trying to stay calm.

"It's going to be alright," I whispered. "You hurt your wrist, but mommy's here. Daddy's got you."

Jake lifted his head and sniffled. I noticed the dark tear stain spreading on Nick's t-shirt. He looked at both of us.

"My spaceship ran out of green beans!"

And he began to cry again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"D-A-D-D-D-D-"

"Way too many d's, buddy."

We were sitting in the emergency room. They had just snapped Jake's broken wrist back into place (I almost fainted) and the cast was hardening.

I'm pretty sure it weighed more than his whole little body.

To pass the time, I was letting Jake help me choose what 'design' he wanted me to draw on his cast once we could write on it. Jake was doped from the pain medication. I had never seen him so calm. I watched his head lift and his eyes search for Shay.

"Mommy? My tummy hurts," he whispered.

Those three little words snapped her into immediate action. She managed to find one of those disgusting yellow mustard colored bedpans and push it under Jake's chin right before he spewed all over me.

"Oh buddy," I whispered. I pushed the crayons and paper out of the way, turning for some paper towels. I grabbed a handful and turned back around. Jake's chin quivered as he tried not to cry.

"This is the worstest day of my life," he whimpered.

Shay and I looked at each other. "It's going to be a long night," I whispered.

"You can go home," she whispered back. I smiled.

"I would, but there's one little problem."

Shay glanced back down at Jake. Obviously feeling assured that he wasn't going to upchuck anymore, she put the bedpan aside.

"What problem?"

"It's more Lauren's house than mine. We went 60/40 on it. So I'm kinda, well..."

"Homeless."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"This is only going to be for two nights," Nick assured me.

"Why? You don't leave for South America for a couple weeks, right?"

Nick smiled. "Our first concert's the 18th in Brazil. The guys all want to go down a week early. So I'm gonna go and mooch off Brian, drink virgin pina coladas with Howie, and cause general chaos with AJ."

"You don't have to," I said with a laugh. "You can mooch off me."

I watched him shake a blanket out over the couch. "No, it's okay." He looked at me, his blue eyes serious and thoughtful. "I guess it comes down to needing some Nick time."

"That makes sense," I said. "Lord knows I need some Shay time."

"But, you have Jake." Nick looked guilty.

"Jake's a therapeutic part of Shay time. He's my comic relief."

We smiled. The pain medication the ER physician gave Jake before we brought him home had practically rendered him unconscious. He looked so lumpy laying in bed with his cast.

As quiet as he was tonight; I was prepared for a VERY grumpy boy in the morning.

"I'll be back in the U.S. by April 15," Nick continued with a yawn. I handed him a pillow. "I'm doing a quick tour in Japan for my solo record."

I felt hopelessly clueless. "You have a solo record?" I gave him a teasing smile. "You sing?"

He rolled his eyes. "Very funny. And yes, I have a solo record. My second. Just me. Jake likes it."

"Jake's heard it?"

Nick laughed. "Yes. I'm instilling good music in our son."

He rooted around in his bag and pulled out an IPod. He held it out.

"Music to sleep on."

I took it. Falling asleep to Nick held some promise. Falling asleep with Nick help even MORE promise. But, maybe the songs would help me forget he was just in the next room.

Yeah right. "I'll give you my review in the morning," I said as he settled down on the couch.

"I look forward to it."

He wrapped the blanket around his broad shoulders and I reached over and flipped off the table lamp. I couldn't help but run my hand through his hair like I did with Jake's.

"Night, Nick."

His hand reached up and wrapped around my own. He brought it to his lips and kissed it.

"Night."

A half hour later, I was still wide awake, listening to the lyrics flowing through my ears. I knew I was probably smiling like an idiot, but I couldn't help it.

I think I’ll put my space suit on So I can jump into my rocket...

I suddenly realized why Jake had become obsessed with astronauts and rockets.

But I still hadn't figured out the green bean part.

Chapter Fifty Two

"Ow! Ow! That hurts!"

"Do you want me to stop?"

"No, I want a dwawing."

I was holding Jake's arm as gently as possible, attempting to draw a picture of a three headed alien.

Jake had woken up crabby and whiny. He was already sick of lugging the heavy cast around. He couldn't keep it in the sling. He had already cried five times.

I felt horrible for him.

"And I want an eyeball dere. Good!"

I smiled. Underneath the alien I wrote, Love Daddy. Jake looked happy.

"Are you gonna live with mommy and me every day forever?"

Shay had gone to the gym. I had to give it to her; she was serious about it this time. I sat back on the living room floor, my back pressing against the couch. Jake snuggled closer.

"Well, that's hard for me to promise, buddy," I said quietly. "Do you remember how I told you I travel a lot?"

Jake nodded. "You're going to Mex-co."

"That's right. My job's to travel the world and sing. So, I won't be able to be here every day."

Jake poked at the cast. "I'm gonna miss you."

My heart melted. "I'm gonna miss you too." I leaned in closer. "Maybe someday you and mommy can come with me."

Jake perked up. "Like now?"

I shook my head. "Not now. Mommy has to stay here and she'd miss you if you came with me."

Jake nodded. "Yeah, mommy would be sad."

I could tell Jake was getting sleepy when he didn't say anything else for a full minute. I leaned in close.

"Do you want to watch Thomas?"

"Yeah-huh."

I stood up, slid my hands under his arms and hoisted him up. He whimpered.

It was a good thing I wasn't leaving for another day. Because, if I had to go now, I would have probably taken him with me.

And his pretty mom too.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"No, daddy! No!"

Jake clung to Nick's leg, his face planted into the rough denim. I was crouched down beside him, my hand on his back.

"Honey, daddy has to go. He'll be back soon."

"I want to go to Mex-co!" Nick looked panic-stricken. I wiggled Jake's fingers, loosening his grip.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jake howled. His cast hit my knuckles and I stifled a curse.

"I'm going to bring you a bunch of cool toys. And we can talk on the computer. Won't that be fun?"

"No," Jake said stubbornly. I yanked him up. Nick grabbed me as I stumbled.

"Jake, give daddy a kiss good-bye," I said.

"No," Jake complained. Nick looked at me and smiled sadly. "Bye, Shay."

I smiled. "Bye. Have a safe trip." I picked up an envelope I had placed on the table earlier in the morning. I handed it to him. He looked confused as he felt it.

"What's this?"

"That," I said. "is a DVD with all of Jake's baby videos. I thought you might like to watch them if you get bored."

Nick gave me a dazzling smile. "That's awesome. I can't wait to see them."

"I should warn you there's a disclaimer. There's some mild daddy trashing."

Nick laughed. "Thanks for the warning."

Nick picked up his suitcase and opened the door.

"I'll call you when I get there." He ruffled Jake's hair. "Love you, Jakey."

Jake didn't answer. Nick faultered for a second, but finally headed down the sidewalk towards his car. He popped the trunk and tossed his bags in. He was just about ready to open the driver's side door when Jake's head popped up.

"WAIT!"
I knew what he was going to do. I put him down. He took off out the door.

"DADDY!"

Nick was ready for him. He scooped him up and covered him in kisses.

I stood there melting. After several minutes, Nick whispered something to Jake and stood up. Jake stayed by the curb waving until the car turned the corner. When he came back to me, he took my hand.

"What did daddy say?" I asked. Jake looked at me proudly.

"He toad me to take care of you, mommy."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"What's this? Porn? Did you bring porn on the flight? Cause, I gotta tell you, if you did you're my fucking hero."

I got a fist in my back.

"Would you not talk about p-o-r-n?"

"Bri, I'm pretty sure Baylee can spell by now. He's what, ten?"

"Eight," Leighanne corrected. AJ shrugged.

"It's not p-o-r-n," I said, spelling it for Brian's sake. "It's Jake's baby videos."

"Jake?" Bri asked.

"His son," AJ explained.

Bri thought for a moment. "Oh, yeah. I forgot."

I hadn't seen the guys except for random NKOTBSB things and we hadn't had a lot of time to talk. Bri stuck his head between the seats.

"Kev says he looked just like Nick," Bri said.

I almost snapped the DVD in half. Just the mention of his name...

I turned around. "By the way," I said angrily. "You're cousin's an asshole."

Bri's eyes widened. "What?"

"He's fucking anything that breathes."

Leighanne sighed. I could suddenly hear the music coming from Baylee's headphones. Leighanne had it on full blast.

"Oh, that," Bri mumbled. He looked uncomfortable. "Don't get too mad at him..."

"Mad? Who's mad? I'm murderous! You have no idea what he did to Shay."

"Shay?" AJ asked.

"Jake's mom."

"Oh yeah. Why haven't I met her yet? Does she really exist? Are you sure you're the same Nick? I don't think I've met you," AJ said with a smile. "I'm totally out of the loop with you, Carter. The only thing I know is your kid is just like you. My fists still hurt from banging on your goddamn front door for an hour and a half."

I laughed. "That was classic.

"Classic my ass." "Hey, Nick, where's Lauren?" Howie said. He was sitting in the front, like always, but he was still tuned in. The only time he wasn't was when he was snoring.

"Yeah, shouldn't she be coming with you to find like a one-of-a-kind wedding dress from some small Brazilian shop or something?" AJ questioned.

I popped the disc tray out of the laptop and put the disc in. I heard the whirl as it began to load.

"Uhm," I coughed. "Lauren and I...we're kinda not engaged any more. Right now. At all."

The response came in surround sound from Bri, Howie, AJ, and Leighanne.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

Chapter Fifty Three

What can you do with a Liberal Arts Degree?

The page I was looking at seemed to be mocking me by title alone. The suggested jobs didn't rock my world. Number eleven on the list was gaming manager. Gaming manager? That's exactly what I wanted to do for the rest of my life - sit in a smoky casino and kick cheaters out.

Number five was Pharmaceutical Sales Rep. The pay looked great, but I knew all about drug abuse. I didn't want to have anything lying around that one day Jake might pick up. Or Nick.

Was it bad that I was already adding Nick into the equation? Sigh.

The truth was I didn't know what I wanted to do. I needed to do something. I was never destined to be a stay-at-home mom. I loved Jake to pieces, but I wanted to do more in life.

Feeling slightly, but not totally discouraged, I closed the laptop and looked over at Jake.

The worse part about his broken wrist was that it had been his writing hand. He was trying to color with his left; his face was screwed up in frustration.

"Hey Jake? You want to go the gym with mommy?"

Jake threw down his yellow crayon. "I can't crawl in the tubes with this wumpy arm!"

"I know," I said. I held up a stopwatch. "But, you can be my coach."

Jake beamed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Lauren's perfect for you. There's no one else out there in this whole world that will be as patient with you as she is."

"I'm not denying that she's an amazing person," I said impatiently. The DVD I had stuck in my laptop over an hour ago hadn't been touched. I closed the lid, admitting defeat. "It's just that something happens when I'm around Shay and Jake and we're all together."

"I get what's happening," Leighanne said. Howie's head nodded from the front. I felt like I was the target of a major therapy session. "It took a lot for you to propose to Lauren and you panicked. Shay's your excuse."

I scowled. "Shay's not my excuse. She's--"

"Well, she's sure as hell not your type," AJ quipped. I frowned.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Howie turned around and slid down his glasses.

"C'mon, Lauren's like Christian Dior and Shay, from what you've said, is like, well, Lane Bryant."

"This coming from the man that thinks Target is classy? And I never meant to imply--"

I didn't need to say anything. Right in front of us was a woman who, for all intents and purposes, looked like she could shop at Lane Bryant. She let AJ have it. Howie slid his glasses back up and slid down in his seat, once again returning to the sweet oblivion of acting like he didn't know us. "All Leigh was trying to say is that you've got to stop running," Bri whispered after AJ went to the bathroom to wash the ample amount of Sprite that was thrown in his face off.

I turned around. "I'm not running. It just got crazy. I don't believe in marriage; I still don't believe in marriage. But suddenly I was a dad, and there was Jake, and Lauren's feelings were a jumble and I just wanted to make everyone happy," I rambled. I pressed my hand deeper into the headrest of J's seat. "Besides, I was friggin' bogged down with the hangover from cruise ship hell when I proposed. The alcohol was still fueling my decisions."

"Marriage wasn't your parents issue, Nick. Even if they weren't married and were just living together, don't you think they would have fought just the same? You guys would have been the same kids. There would still be that struggle for sides."

I shook my head. No one could understand what it was like. "It's just safer not to give my name to someone else."

"Does Jake have your last name?" Leighanne asked.

I ran my finger over the spacebar on my keyboard. "No, his last name's Gerard."

No one said anything, but I could tell what they were thinking.

I could compartmentalize all I wanted to, but it still wasn't going to make everything right.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Five! Fouw! Tree! Two! One! ALL DONE!"

I couldn't hear the beeping of the stopwatch over Jake's cheer, but I stopped all the same. I grabbed a towel and smashed my face into it.

For someone who hated to sweat, I was doing a lot of it lately.

"Where next?" Jake wanted to know.

I had kept Jake entertained for the past hour as I went through my cycle of elipticial, treadmill, weights, and the recumbant bike. I shook my head.

"Mommy's all done."

"Haven't I seen you box here before?"

I turned around. The same gym guy from the day before was standing behind me, giving me a typical pretty-boy Californian smile.

"Sometimes, but my boxing partner's not here," I said.

"Well, I can fill in."

"MOMMY WOULD KICK YOUR BUTT!" Jake said.

"JAKE!"

Gym guy (I couldn't see his name badge today, but I thought it was something like Mike or Micah) laughed. "The challenge has been issued. Now you have to prove it."

"GO MOMMY!"

I looked at Jake. I looked at gym guy.

"Bring it."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Here we are Jake. Two days old. Welcome home."

The camera zoomed in on the carseat sitting on the table. Jake's teeny tiny face squinted up from under a blanket. Shay's hand came into view and pulled it off.

If I thought I loved my son before, I was hopelessly lost now. I was sitting in my hotel room in Brazil, glued to my laptop. This was all the time I had missed. I couldn't reverse time, but being able to see it was closing up those gaps.

"Here's your ten little fingers and ten little toes," Shay cooed. Her fingers brushed over his hands and feet. It was July; the little outfit he wore showed all of the chubbiness in the hands and feet yearning to grow.

"And even though you look like the sperm donor, you're still cute as a button to me."

Her face came into view, planting a soft kiss on his tiny nose.

I was glad Shay had given me the disclaimer, but it still hurt to hear her tell Jake I was something other than 'daddy'.

But, at least it was different now. We were making it up.

"Hey, Nick! We're going to lunch in twenty. You coming?"

AJ poked his head into my room. I looked up with a smile. "Yeah, sure."

"Whatcha doing?"

"Shay gave me Jake's baby videos. I'm watching them."

AJ strolled over and sat beside me. The screen changed. A slightly bigger, but not by much, Jake was laying on a playmat. Shay was hovered over him, her long curly hair practically touching his outstretched hand.

"Do it again, Jakey. Show mommy that pretty smile that won't give girls a gross STD. C'mon."

The camera wasn't zoomed in, but there was no mistaking the familiar happy smile that lit up his little face as he latched onto one of Shay's curls. Shay clapped.

"There's that smile," J said. He tapped the screen. "The smile that mocked me."

"Would you let it go?" I said with a chuckle, now smarting over the STD comment. "So he locked you out. Big deal."

"Wait 'til he locks you out," J scowled. I shook my head.

"I always carry a spare key."

"Well good for you," J said. The screen changed again. Jake was sitting up now, getting a bath. Shay had sudsed his hair so that it formed a tiny blonde baby mohawk. Jake slapped at the water.

"Gah!" he shrieked as Shay held up a rubber ducky.

"Didn't she have any help?" J asked as we went through the bath, a feeding, and a few minutes of Jake sleeping in his crib. Every time it was Shay. Just Shay. I shook my head.

"She did it all herself," I said.

"Well, I've got to give her credit. Taking care of a mini-Nick couldn't have been easy."

We watched as Shay came into view of the camera (she seemed to try to avoid it most of the time). She stroked Jake's face and pulled a blanket up over him.

"I know," I said slowly, pausing the video. J and I both stood up. "And that's one of the reasons I'm starting to fall in love with her."