Couple's Therapy by Pengi
Summary: Response to the May "First Impressions" Challenge.

Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys Characters: Brian
Genres: Humor
Warnings: Sexual Content
Challenges:
Series: Challenges from the AC forum.
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 1264 Read: 927 Published: 05/06/12 Updated: 05/06/12

1. Couple's Therapy by Pengi

Couple's Therapy by Pengi
I haven't had sex in six months with someone other than myself.

This revelation comes to me at 3:00 in the morning as I lay on the bottom bunk assigned to me in the mens' dormitory, staring at the underside of the bed over me. Over my head, I can hear one of my fellow broken-minded roomies snoring loudly, though it's muffled by the pillow I've pulled around my ears. I study the checker-board patterns of the bed's springs, squeezing the life out of the mattress. My roomie is quite fat. For a moment I picture those springs breaking and him falling down, crushing me under him like a bug under an army boot. A fat army boot.

I don't remember the last time I went six months without having sex, I think to myself, to get my mind off of the army-boot-bug-squashing. Maybe Leighanne noticed. Maybe that's why we're here.

Here is a week-long marriage counseling camp, located in the woods of North Carolina. We've been fighting a lot and she decided we needed couples therapy after seeing that movie with Vince Vaughn and when I refused to go swimming with sharks, she suggested the tranquil woods of North Carolina. I didn't know it was basically a summer camp with required psych sessions that didn't even allow Leighanne and I to sleep in the same room. I felt like I was twelve years old again.

Fatso over my head shifts and the bed springs creak menacingly. I eyeball the buldge where his ass must be, and the springs are definitely stretched more there. I glance at the clock and I've somehow managed to while away another 30 minutes thinking about my roomie's ass and Leighanne's insistance we come to this god-forsaken-mosquito-farm. I shift my weight off the bed, trying to keep my own mattress from squeaking, and tip toe out of the dorm, closing the screen door as gently as physically possible.

Outside, the air is dark, moist, and salt-flavored. I'm pretty sure the ocean's a couple miles away, but I can still taste it. I wander across the grounds of the camp to the lake, and stand in a patch of beach sand that was clearly imported here from the ocean and stare at the spotlight moon on the water, shimmering as the lake shifts with its' gravitational pull.

Six fricking months, I think to myself. I grab a stick and start drawing in the sand with it as I rehash in my mind all the fights and bullshit Leighanne and I have gone through in the last few months. It's been ridiculous, really. We haven't gotten along over the stupidest topics. Like we fought about whether to have broccoli steamed or boiled the other day - the day she announced she wanted to come to this place. We were hardcore fighting over it. She called boiled broccoli floppy, and said "like your dick". I looked down at my lap.

Well that certainly wasn't like boiled broccoli now.

I glanced over my shoulder at the cabins, which lay peaceful under the moonlight. My mind wandered back to the orientation when Penny, the camp's therapy specialist, had said that all forms of sexual activity, including masturbation, was strictly outlawed here at the center. "It will increase your awareness of your partner if you prohibit yourself from sexual pleasure," she'd said.

Well Penny wasn't anywhere to be seen, now was she?

I felt slightly self conscious, sitting on a log by the lake in the moonlight, pulling myself out of my jeans and about to go to town. A sand doodle of my wife being my inspiration. My hand moved slowly the way it used to when I did this as a teenager in my bedroom back home in Kentucky. Guilt was ebbing its way through my veins.

I was pathetic. But at least I was getting some.

This isn't going to change your six months status, my head whispered, teasing me. You're still pathetic. In fact, you might just be more pathetic, all things considered.

Damn it.

I stopped and shoved myself back into my pants and stared glumly at the lake, annoyed with my talkative subconscious. I kicked the sand and erased my stick figure porn.

Suddenly, a noise a few feet away caught my attention. Some reeds were moving and I became acutely aware of the fact that I was outside. Wild animals could be all around and I'd have no clue. I ran through a mental list of animals that could possibly be in the Carolina region and what could fit in those reeds and decided I was probably about to meet my fate by some lesser-known variety of man-eating skunk. The reeds quivered and the noise continued, and after a few minutes of this, curiosity got the better of me and I inched over and parted the reeds and looked down.

It took a moment for my eyes to orient to the darkness. When they did, I let go of the reeds quickly. Two frogs were down there, humping away.

Good Lord even Kermit is getting laid.

I felt vaguely like what Charlie Brown probably felt like.

Sitting back down on the log, I cupped my face in my hands. "Oh my God," I mutter, "How in the hell did I end up here like this?" I asked.

"Brian?"

I turn around and there's Leighanne. She's got one of those giant scarves Indian women wear wrapped around her and a light night gown in a soft mint green color. Her hair's disheveled. She's barefoot and her blue eyes catch the moonlight just right. "Hi," she whispers.

My mouth is gone dry. "Hi," I answer.

She steps onto the sand and sits next to me on the log. I kick my porn doodle again just to make sure its' no longer visible. She clasps her hands on her lap and stares out at the moon and the water and everything. I try not to stare at her.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" she asks.

I'm looking at her when I answer, "Yes."

She glances at me and realizes I'm not talking about the lake. "I'm sorry I called your dick broccoli," she apologizes.

"I'm sorry too," I reply.

Leighanne takes a deep breath. "How bad does this place suck?" she asks.

"Harder than a blow job," I answer, since my mind is only on one thing, I might as well make that blatantly obvious. Leighanne cracks up and a snort comes out as she laughs. She covers her mouth and turns pink. "I love it when you snort," I say, batting her hand away from her mouth.

"You do?"

"It's my favorite," I answer.

She smiles.

I point at the reeds. "There's two frogs having sex over there," I say.

Leighanne glances at the reeds, "Lucky Kermit."

"That's what I thought."

We sit in silence for a few minutes, watching the reeds rock with the frogs.

"Let's get out of here," Leighanne says suddenly, her voice laced with excitement.

"Yeah?" I ask.

She grins impishly, "Yeah. Let's go. Let's run away."

I laugh, "What about the rest of the week?"

"Screw it, I think maybe we'll get more out of leaving than being here."

"You don't have to ask me twice."

We hold each other's hands and run though the night giggling like teens. "C'mon," I whisper and pull her toward the parking lot where we left the Jeep. We climb in and peel out of the couples therapy.

I'm pretty sure that we're gonna be humping like the frogs soon.
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