I always find my place among the ashes
One

It wasn’t the first official day at school. It was just called the first day of actual school because everybody’s schedules had been corrected and worked out. I wasn’t sure how I felt that this was the beginning of my last year or middle school. Everything was still hell on earth and every knew each other. The conversation had last night when grandmom and dad had done nothing, even though I had a tiny bit of doubtful hope. That’s why I hate hope? If you have it, you always set yourself up for failure.

I stepped off the bus and just followed all the kids into the cafeteria where we ate breakfast. I never ate breakfast, I just liked to pick out the sixth graders who acted stupid and who I would eventually have to deal with later in the year with our school tutoring program. My grades were so good, it was required I be a tutor to all the other stupid kids. It was harder to flunk the classes I had than to pass because the teacher would make me do my work or she’d call home. I had enough stress from school to be grounded for a month. So I just did everything and stayed quiet. I passed the class, answered some questions wrong so people would leave me alone and I just lived one more day.

The bell rang as I starred at this table of rowdy boys yelling and laughing about some fat girl walking past. Kids were so damn mean, that’s why I hated every single one of them. I was the opposite of fat, they just called me anorexic. I’m tall and skinny naturally no matter how much food I eat. I stopped trying not to care, it hurts even more when I act.

I walk out, invisible. It’s actually harder than everyone makes it out to be. You can’t really touch anyone of the loud popular kids because then they’ll have a reason to pick on you. And they’ll take it, anything above the level of shitting on our heads or something of that nature.

When I walked up the stairs and into the third floor hallway, I saw a teacher yelling at two boys that had obviously made a girl cry. It was the morning and her day was bound for the meaning of crap. I learned at a very early age, to cry to myself because no one cared and no one cares. It shows your weak, that their words hurt and you feel pain. It was easy to find that crying didn’t help. It just made things worse. People either pitied you or laughed harder.

I walked into my first period, it was math. Algebra 1, something we’d learn next year that I already knew. I took a waiting worksheet from the teacher’s hand and sat in the desk in the back of the room in the corner. There, I could sleep in peace or draw, which ever I wanted to. I couldn’t shade yet but I could draw pretty good.

I started on the worksheet and put a light check by three out of nine that I’d purposely miss. I’d calculate a simple missed step and by then I wouldn’t be able to get everything right. Three out of nine would most likely end to be a C or D. I didn’t mind, I’d make it up in tests where they were more questions to balance out wrong and right.

People started coming in two minutes before the late bell. That’s when all the stupid popular kids started coming in all rowdy and happy. They were happy because they’d play all day, some people actually came to learn. Wait a second, no they didn’t. Middle school was a show everyone put on. There was no geek squad or anything. The only clique that was here was ‘follow the popular kids unless you wanted to be a loser and sit alone at lunch’…like me.

I pulled my sketch pad from my book bag and started to draw a girl’s face. The bell rang and Sustained Silent Reading began. I believed it was a waste of time, but I loved drawing, or sleeping, or doing homework in the morning when the teacher wasn’t watching. It was a nice thing to have, when the teacher wasn’t watching.

I attempted a calm look to her face; closed eyes, lifted face and flowing hair. She was strangely beautiful to me. Small yet long lips and a sharp noise with high check bones thanks to shading wrong but it made her beautiful so it was like a gasoline rainbow. A mistake with a beautiful result, I wish life was more like that.

I erased her eyes and made them fiercely beautiful, or at least that’s what I tried to achieve. I wanted her to be like a model and have eyes like what I wanted. Any color but brown. Brown is boring, neutral. Her eyes looked regular so I focused alittle harder and drew small lines for the iris to the outside. Using my eraser, I pushed the pencil lead around in a little circle.

“Ms. Hai, I’m going to need the drawing.” Shit. I looked up quickly spooked. Not only by the attention but by her seeing me, even in the farthest corner from where she was standing at the front of the room. Everyone was starring. Some girls were mumbling things under their breath. I pretended not to hear an “ugly” comment toward my drawing.

“I’ll just put it away.” I mumbled. She shook her head.

“Give me the pad,” she said looking annoyed. I heard a stupid blonde in the front snicker. I hope I see her in the future so I can mow her down with a car or something and claim it was an honest accident. I stood and walked through the aisles and literally tossed the sketchbook at her.

“I want to see you after class.” No one has time for that! My day was officially ruined. “Now start on your math.”

“I’m done.” I muttered but she didn’t understand so she just glared thinking I made a smart comment as I sat down. This wasn’t good, I already had a teacher against me, it wasn’t like I cared. It just wasn’t easy getting a good grade In a class I hated or was hated in. She or he mostly just called me out for everything from breathing wrong to biting on a pencil and everyone’s eyes bore into me and I hated it.

The jokes went on for another five minutes and I let my head fall in my hand and I just starred at the desk straining to hear every word of every mean thing they could say about me. They said I was ugly and they made fun of my eyes, I was from Asian descent so my Asian eyes looked different from their American ones. I had a button nose and small pale pink lips I hated. I was very skinny and I usually pulled my long black hair into a ponytail, but today, I let it hang loose hoping that somehow, everyone would see how much older I looked. Something slapped me and it was hard, no one cared. I slouched down in the chair and starred at the numbers on the paper with my pencil absently tapping against my thigh.

Five minutes passed before the teacher now introduced as Mrs. Diamond told everyone to pass them to the front. She shuffled the papers around a bit and then began to pass them back.

“We are going to grade these. This will happen often so buy a red pen, borrow a red pen from a friend, steal a red pen but as long as it’s not mine your stealing, you need a red pen. I expect it by next week although you go your supply lists the first day of school and it’s been a week. Today, I’ll be passing out red pens, so you won’t have to worry about it today.” she said finishing passing the papers out when she passed the last paper to me. “Put your name on the back.” Jenna Harvi, the captain of the cheerleading squad, also the bitches. I already knew it was all wrong, but how could I mark it wrong without her going off? This day was officially crap.

“Why do I have this ugly?” I heard Jenna remark laughing at Robert. He really looked like a loser, I just looked like a Goth. One thing about grandparents who don’t care about you, they don’t care about how you dress because that goes with the part of caring about you.

“Okay Jenna, that’s enough.” Mrs. Diamond said, “What’s your answer for number one.”

“Well, stupid put twelve but I think it’s eleven.” she said smiling brightly.

“The answer is eleven.” the class burst out in laughter. When Jenna was wrong, they laughed with her. When someone like Robert was wrong, they laughed at him.

“Rachel, what do you have for number two?” I slipped one mp3 head phone into me ear. I was tired of listening to these people. I was tired of everything but it was life and it wasn’t like a beautiful painting, more like the smudges you get when your fingers touch the pencil lead and then you leave a grey finger print on your clean white paper of a sketch.

I pulled my hair into a ponytail, no one thought I looked older or more beautiful so I’ll just give them the old look. Obviously they weren’t ready for the hair change.

I rubbed my eyes, I was rather tired. I was about to take a nap when I heard my name. I froze and knocked the headphone from my ear and looked at Mrs. Diamond.

“What did you get for number nine?” she asked.

“Uh…she put seven. But I believe the answer is seventy two.” I responded hoping she didn’t ask for the mp3 player.

“Good. Pass your papers to the front. I passed my paper forward and I watched as the paper I graded was put on top. I sighed and slid down in my seat.

“Who graded my paper?” Jenna asked looking around. When she couldn’t spot anyone who looked suspicious and she didn’t have enough common sense to turn the paper over, she turned them in.

“Turn it over Jenna.” another voice said across the classroom. Shit.

“Ew…..Luke graded my paper. Why?” she said. She turned around and glared at me.

“Mrs. Diamond, Luke cheated.” she said looking at the teacher then, “she marked everything wrong!”

“I marked what was-”

“Shut up stupid!” she yelled back at me. I should have stayed quiet. “That’s why you look like you just walked out of hell…bitch.” She mouthed the last word to me and everyone laughed and watched intently even though they knew nothing would happen,; there would be no fight threats or arguments at least with me. I would just sink into my seat and just sit there with the same bored look on my face.

I have no reputation or self-esteem. It went down the toilet the day Jenna entered my life. Well, really, I’ve never had a lot of self esteem. Everything in my life has always been broken, tainted, burned. I always find my place among the ashes.

Why couldn’t I tear people’s hearts out with words and scar them with laughter?
Two

Lunch is disgusting but by the time the bell rings for lunch, I’m hungry. So I eat the crap. I always carry my things with me through the lunch line. I learned that the hard way. I’ll elaborate later.

I set my lunch down at my table and sat down ignoring the laughter my way. It was a table full of boys. Something about my body probably. Basically, everything is nearly non existent. I’m still in a 36 B in bras. I consider that big.

I look over lunch. It’s teriyaki chicken with white rice and an egg roll that tastes rather salty. I crunch into the egg roll. A boy comes over and sits at the other table connected to mine. The tables are like white rectangles with benches. Two tables that could maybe sit three on each side comfortably are pushed together to sit twelve to a “table”. I slowly stopped chewing and looked at who dared to enter my domain. It was better that I was alone. No one could hurt me then.

“And what the hell are you doing?” I ask in my toughest voice looking sarcastically appalled.

“I’m eating my lunch.” He responded softly.

“I can see that.” I finished chewing my egg roll and swallowed. “I just want to know why you’re sitting at
my table.”

“Because there’s no where else to sit.”

“Oh there isn’t?” I asked.

“No.” he responded sucking in breath.

“Too bad…move. These seats are reserved.” I said smiling briefly. Diamond pissed me off. She told me she’d give me my pad next week. One week without otta teach me a lesson. I should teach her a lesson by kicking her ass. That seems to work with my age group. Wonder if it would work for adults.

“I don’t see your name anywhere.” He said. His voice was still quiet and I could barely hear it above all the
people talking in the cafeteria.

“Huh?” I asked. With all the sarcasm I had stored in my body, I don’t understand why I didn’t understand what he meant.

“Your name, I don’t see your name anywhere on this table that says you own it.”

“Look, just make this easy. Shut up and move,” I said getting annoyed. He wasn’t moving and I didn’t want
to look in his eyes. They were a deep brown and they were beautiful. I didn’t understand. He had beautiful
eyes but they were brown.

“I’m Howard.” I looked at him and raised an eyebrow.

“You act like I care what your name is.” I said eating some rice. It tasted like nothing.

“Your eyes tell a different story.”

“Shut the hell up and leave.” I snapped, “What are you, a poet?”

“Want to read some of my poems? I didn’t know you’d be interested.” I starred at him. His eyes were amazing and I liked him. He was nearly as sarcastic as me. He had brown curly hair and a tanned complexion compared to my pale complexion which I also hated.

“Fine you can stay.” I said beginning to eat the rest of my lunch.

“What’s your name?”
I stuffed chicken in my mouth. It was good and salty.

“Lucca.” I was sleepy now. He nodded and ate some more lunch. He grabbed his book bag and swung it over his shoulder. Standing up he walked away to the trash can and threw his lunch away. Then he came back and sat back down across from me.

“Can I help you?” I asked him sarcastically loud with big eyes like I was happy to see him.

“You can tell me your full name.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you because you’re cute. But you’ll have to wait till hell freezes over.”

I smiled and continued eating my lunch quietly. The bell rang and I dropped my fork on the tray and grabbed my things.

“Aren’t you gonna get that?” he asked and I looked at him with a grin.

“You serious?” I asked as I walked away to the door. I followed behind the losers and heard the popular kids laughing and screaming. I heard my name come from someone’s mouth. I knew it was Jenna. Oh well, I was gonna hit her with a car in the future so it didn’t bother me that much.

I walked through the halls and I walked into my next period class.

“Just sit in any seat.” I didn’t ignore him, I just didn’t acknowledge him. He didn’t like that. Probably something about a illegal Chinese descendent ignoring a real, white American man.

“Excuse me young lady, I’m talking to you.” He said and I looked at him.

“Yes sir.” I said sarcastically. “I’m so, so sorry. Hello, how’s your day?” No one was here yet so I’d just show him that I could care less about English.

“Listen Ms. Hai. I’ve heard about you. I won’t put up with your rudeness. You can walk right out the door as fast as you walked in.” he said and I dropped my bag in the farthest corner of the room. I thought I’d just give being invisible another try.

“Front. Right here by my desk.” He said tapping the desk he wanted me to occupy with his knuckles. I’m an idiot.

I sighed and dragged my book bag and plopped down. I felt naked and bare. Everyone started walking in and I was in the front row so everyone’s eyes landed on me first. I sat there aborting my plans for a forty minute nap. He’d tell me to wake up and all the attention would be on me.

“My name is Mr. Cutz. No jokes please, they’ll mostly be stupid anyway.” There was some laughter out of some people. It was stupid and not funny. I just wish someone would tell him he was stupid and not funny.

“I’m your English teacher and let me tell you something. This class can be fun or it could be the most horrible class in your lives. You decide.” He was one of those teachers. The ones where they try and be your friend. He’d turn into an asshole to everyone eventually.

“We’ll start with a small introduction from everyone.” I thought that I would die. I wanted to melt. “Since I’ll be developing your speaking skills, this is a small evaluation. I suggest you stop starring at me and get started. You have exactly ten minutes.” He said and he pressed a button on his watch. He was actually going to time us because he was too stupid to look up at the clock in what felt like maybe ten minutes. I pulled a sheet of paper from my bag and held my art pencil in my hand. I starred at the point. It was a 2H so it wrote almost like a 2HB. I put the point to the paper and wrote a sentence.
My name’s Lucca Hai and I’m 13 years old. I’m from Chinese descent and that’s all I’ll let you know.

“Don’t you dare say that. Like I told you Lucca when you walked into this room.” I had a mini heart attack right then. He was standing over me and starring at my paper. There were a couple snickers from the corner where Jenna and her ugly friends sat. It was really time for me to destroy her.

“I want to now when you were born, Your full name. I want to know your parents’ names, how many cousins you have although I don’t care how many cousins you have. I want to know if I’ve had any of your brothers or sisters in the twelve years I’ve taught. You have seven minutes.”

I waited till he walked to the front of the class away from me.

My name’s Lucca Hai and I’m 13 years old. I’m from Chinese descent and I live with my grandparents. I have no siblings and I don’t know any of my cousins.
I erased I don’t know any of my cousins and wrote I have two cousins. I named them Liza and Peter.

My name’s Lucca Hai and I’m 13 years old. I’m from Chinese descent and I live with my grandparents. I have no siblinsg. I have two cousins named Liza and Peter.

“Time’s up.” He said and looked up. Lucca, please come up and talk first.”

“Can I go last?” I asked quietly.

“No, let’s go now.” He said and I stood. I walked up and ignored the giggles from around the class.

I looked at the sheet of paper and took a deep breath. I was shaking, my stomach was dancing and I began to sweat. I saw Robert sitting in front me reading a math book.

“My name’s Lucca Hai and I’m 13 years old and I’m 13 years old. I’m from Chinese descent and I live with my grandparents. I have no siblings and I have two cousins named Liza and Peter.” I wanted to melt. I knew
Jenna was about to blurt something out.

“Where’s your parents?” he asked.

“Dead.” I replied coldly. A little more coldly than I liked.

“I’d die if you were my daughter too.” I snatched a book off someone’s desk and threw it in Jenna’s face.

“You bitch, you bitch!” I screamed picking it off the floor and hitting her again with the book. I finally shoved her from the desk and raced out grabbing my things in the process. I heard him come after me. My name echoed in the halls as ran toward the school’s door. I ran around the school and rounded the corner of a near by alley behind a large brick building that housed a night club atop and an Italian restaurant on it‘s lower level. I hid by the dumpster by the side of a dumpster and I slammed my back against the wall. My lungs burned and I was shaking. I was scared and confused. It wasn’t my fault that it happened. It wasn’t my fault that he killed himself.

I slid down the wall and decided I wanted to die. I wanted to scream and rip something, someone apart. I pushed the hair from my face and wiped the tears from my hot face. I slammed my hands on the ground. The gravel dug into my skin as I just sat there, eyes closed letting tears slowly slid down my face.

I didn’t understand why this was me. Why I couldn’t be Jenna? Why couldn’t I be beautiful with blonde curly hair and shining blue eyes. Why couldn’t I tear peoples’ hearts out with words and scar them with laughter.

This is why I hit people with books.
Three

I rolled over and starred at the screaming alarm clock. I did what I did every morning, I ripped it from the wall and threw it at the wall. I didn’t think that one day I could electrocute myself. I didn’t think that one day my wall could mold into my window either. But that’s because I don’t think (or try to think) in the morning. Too much work.

I kicked the sheets off and pulled my hair into a ponytail. Time for stupid school.

I walked down the stairs to retrieve my clothes from the dryer. I stood at the top of the stairs and looked at my grandparents who stood at the bottom. Mom looked sad but dad looked angry. Okay so they do care. I just wished they wouldn’t.

“You’re unbelievable Lucca. You’re unbelievable!” he yelled. I flinched. He never yelled. “Explain yourself! Come here!” I walked down the stairs. I was awake now. I also remembered everything now too. Running from the school after bashing Jenna’s head in with a book. I pushed emotion back and my smart aleck self kicked in. If it didn’t, I’d be in tears.

“I just want to go back to school.” I said tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. My grandma smacked me across the face. I wanted to strangle her. That ugly bitch.“I want to know why you gave this Jenna girl stitches because her parents are considering legal action. I want to know now.” she said soft but menacing.

“She made me mad.” I whispered. My face burned and I bit hard on my lip. I was trying to hold back tears.

“We’re taking you to school.” he growled. I didn’t want to go. I just wanted to do what I want to do every morning (just alittle more this morning): crawl in a hole and sleep some more. That hole being my bed actually.

I just walked down the basement stairs to get my clothes that I had washed the previous night. I assume I got home before the school called because my grandparents didn’t even glance when I walked in the door. I just washed the clothes and went upstairs and cried myself to sleep.

I took a shower. I washed my hair and I sat in the tube starring at nothing as he scorching water hit my skin. I sat there for twenty minutes before getting out and wrapping a towel around my body. I sat on the edge of the tube and starred at my painted toes. I had painted them black one day out of boredom. I starred at the chipping black paint. I pulled my wet hair into a bun and dried off and got dressed. I moved extra slow so I would be late. My grandparents made up for the time by driving wildly and yelling at how I was gonna kiss their ass so they wouldn‘t sue us.

We were late by two minutes. We walked into the office and my grandfather opened the door. Jenna sat flanked by her gorgeous mom with high cheek bones and delicate make-up. She had a bob and Jenna’s dad was hot. He had spiked black hair and he wore a white suit. He had these green eyes that were intense but I only glanced at them because they were glaring at me.

“Mrs. and Mr. Hai…Lucca. Please have a seat.” the principal Mrs. Powell said.

“I’ll stand.” I said.

“Sit down now girl.” my dad hissed and I dropped my bag on the ground and sat in the seat in the middle. I glanced at Jenna. She was looking at me with the most hateful stare I’ve ever seen in my life. I wanted to blurt out, “What? Did I mess up your makeup yesterday?” But then I’d probably be killed in front of everyone and I don’t want that.

“Well, we’re here to day to discuss a punishment.” Mrs. Powell said. Oh gee, state the obvious.

“How bout therapy.” her beautiful mom mumbled. I outta slap your foundation off your face too. Well, there’s no book in here in my reach as big as that math book was.

“Mr and Mrs. Harvi, this is Mr. and Mrs. Hai with their daughter Lucca.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Harvi, we are so very sorry.” my mom said. My father nodded. He then glared at me and I stopped myself from cussing them out now for making me humiliate myself.

“I’m very sorry that I did this Jenna. I’m really very sorry.” If they told me to kiss ass, I’d do it. I did not want them to sue us. They’d probably never let me do anything entertaining every again.

“Okay, I have a question for your daughter Luke?” she asked raising her eyebrow like she was better than us. I guess I really couldn’t blame Jenna for her attitude. But I was a teenager so I didn’t care.

“Her name’s Lucca.” my grandma said softly.

“Why do you think it’s alright to hit people.” I didn’t care anymore. Screw these people, screw mom and dad, screw this principle and her stupid rules.

“Why does your daughter think it’s okay to tell me that if she were my parents, I would die too. I just wanted to make sure you got through to you especially that you raised a bitch.” There. I felt better now.

“Excuse me!” Jenna’s mom yelled.

“What the hell!” her dad said. This was like a big soap opera.

“Lucca!” my grandparents were in unison.

“You’re going to stop this shit at once!” he yelled in my face. I was officially scared. I looked at the floor and starred. I’d never see the sun again except of course when I came home from school on the bus. I wanted to melt.

“You’re the rudest piece of…” he stopped himself and I wanted to finish it for him but if I said another thing, I bust out in tears. I just wanted people leave me the hell alone. I wanted to be alone but people were all around me.

There was a soft sigh from Mrs. Powell. “The school will suspend her for one week. She shouldn’t come to school until she’s ready to be out in a working society again.” She said hesitantly. “I think she needs counseling and I have some numbers I can give to you.”

“We can’t afford a counselor.” my dad said and wiggled my toes and watched them move. I wore black flip flops today. I didn’t feel like putting on shoes.

“I can refer one to you for free from the school.”

“We would like that.” he said and mom nodded. Well I wouldn’t. No one ever cares what I wants. This is why I hit people with books.

My dreams were always the past; they were always life’s nightmares.

Five

Two weeks went by slowly. It dragged because I couldn’t waste them away and do what I wanted. I never really saw Howard. I was always kept inside with chores or telling lies that were easily broken through by my new therapist named Andy. She was a girl that resembled Jenna’s features. Blond hair and blue eyes. Very beautiful and she always said she was like Jenna in middle school and high school. I replied with my normal sarcasm, “Wow, I’m really gonna open up like a flower now.” with a smile and she laughed ignoring the sarcasm.

I was back at school now. I skipped going to the cafeteria this morning and hung out in a bathroom stall. I didn’t want to be here and I felt like everyone’s eyes were on me. And as I looked around, they were. I saw a couple people smiling at me. Everyone just looked at me with a eager look that made me anticipate my meeting with Jenna today. I was just hoping she didn’t retaliate. I was scared actually, I couldn’t lie about that. I would just never tell anyone. I went to my locker and Robert walked up to me.

“Do you want to go out with me?”

“Beat it dork.” I replied and he leaned against the locker.

“Okay, so you don’t want to go out with me. But you’re going to need some help when Jenna and
her cheerleading buddies not to mention boyfriend come after you.” he said and I looked at him.

“I’m shivering in my boots.”

“Chucks.” he corrected hesitantly.

“Robert go away.” I responded with a heavy sigh.

“Come on Lucca. You’re my hero. You hit Jenna across the face. She had to get stitches across her face!” he said grinning. I never realized Robert had braces.

“Robert, I’m cool by myself. Jenna ain’t gonna touch me.”

“We’ll see about that.” one of her ugly friends said as they walked by trying to look cute. I saw Robert starring at the girl that had killed my reassurance to me. I rolled my eyes as I turned back to my locker and began to get my books form my bag and put them in a pile where I would need them later on in the day. I stuffed my book bag and coat on a hanger and grabbed the books I needed for classes before lunch then closed it. I walked feeling so awkward as everyone whispered and laughed at me. Everyone starred eager to stay by my side so when Jenna came, hopefully something would happen.

“Welcome back.” Mrs. Diamond said handing me back my drawing pad. I took it and walked to my desk in the back.

“Up front Mrs. Hai.” she said and I once again, wanted to melt. It was the seat next to Jenna.

“Why do I have to sit there?” I asked quietly as people started coming in.

“You need to mature Lucca.”

“Well tell her that.”

“Go sit down.” I wished her to hell.

“I need to use the bathroom.”

“No you don’t, now sit down.” I went and sat down. Nearly the entire class had come early and everyone was eager when they saw I was sitting next to Jenna.

Then if on cue, the door swung open and in walked Jenna and her entourage of bitches and her boyfriend. My shoulders slumped and I leaned back in my chair starring at the wall closet to me. I was trying so hard to keep my heart beating regular. I was becoming sweaty and nervous.

She walked over. “Lucca, I’m sorry. I want to make a truce.” There were groans everywhere. They were looking forward to some morning action. Mrs. Diamond looked pleased. I saw right through the bull.

“Oh.” I replied smoothly as I kept starring at the wall.

“Come on Lucca, we need to grow up. I don‘t think you‘re a whore or a lesbian anymore.” She got a couple laughs out of that from the class. I looked at her and smiled curtly.

“Go to hell.” I mouthed.

“Fine, have it your way Pong.” she said sitting down gracefully. She flipped out a mirror and her boyfriend looked at her. He was now in our class. Wow, a lot happens in two weeks.

“Jenna, you look fine.”

“I know I do.” she grinned. I starred at my sketch pad. I wanted to just start drawing and never stop. I wanted to draw so good it looked like photography. I wanted to draw and forget everything. I kind of wanted to just go to sleep for awhile. Take a nap from life.

Class went by slow. Very slow. Mostly because I was scared crapless what Jenna’s next move was. I tried to think back and wonder about a time where Jenna was fearful. It never came because I assumed there hadn’t been a time. In a world like this, beauty got you places and protection.

I went slowly to my next class but went fast enough to enter with the current of people. I was just another student, lost in the population. It was nice to feel invisible again. The next class I entered was science. I showed the guy my re-emit and sat in the back like usual. He was the type of teacher I liked. He didn’t care what you did, as long as you were quiet and you didn’t “distract” anyone else. I decided to draw that period but I laid my head down and starred at the paper.

I was tired but I didn’t want to sleep. Going to the counselor had ripped open scabs that I had thought were scars. She had nearly torn apart my whole person when I walked in talking about what I acted like and why and she was dead on but I’d never admit that. I’d let her have to actually work for her money. It really didn’t matter to me, I’d never tell her a thing that was true at least. She made me want to spill at times, but most times I just wanted to go to sleep. When things got to complicated, that’s what I do. Things happen while you’re asleep but you don’t know it. You’re dead to the world and no one can touch you. Well of course, there’s always the exceptions. Like dreams, my dreams. My dreams were always the past; they were always life’s nightmares. I wanted a break from life.

…a storm of shit that I won’t like is coming.

Six

“Not so big now bitch.”

I knew the voice. It was my death.

“You got hit once Jenna!” I yelled behind me still walking but increasing the pace slowly.

“Well, you’re about to get hit a million more times…bitch!”

“Favorite word isn’t it?” I shot. I was freaking. My eyes searched for an escape. Streets littered
with houses begun to surround me as the city disappeared behind my back.

I slipped my keys from my pocket and squeezed my sweaty palm around them. My hands were shaking.

“I think someone’s scared.” I didn’t respond. I just turned around and flicked them all two fingers with a shady grin. Then I turned and took off as fast as I could. My legs pumped me around the corner away from the direction of the inner city which was more stupid then beneficial because I was being chased in neighborhoods and no one ever heard anything from inside their homes. I raced around the corner considering ditching my book bag but then I also considered that I’d have to get my stuff from them sooner or later. They’d collect it of course and use it against me.

“Hey bitch, why you running!” Jenna’s boyfriend yelled. I could hear them gaining on me as I cut through a yard and hopped a low fence hopping it would slow them down. I could hear it clank and jiggle but I still heard footsteps after me.

“Jenna! Bitch boy!” I stopped and turned around. I saw a fist and ducked as Jenna’s boyfriend stumbled on top of me since the force of the missed punch threw him forward.

“Shit, shit, shit!” The words flew out of my mouth weirdly. It was as if on instinct. I scrambled from the ground and started back away. He was gonna knock my lights out.

“Come ‘er!” I heard her scream. Her and some other girl with dark hair ran after me. I still had no clue who distracted her boyfriend but the voice was rather familiar. In a state of panic in my world, I can barely remember my name.

“Jenna, leave her alone!” I heard someone get hit and Jenna yelled something at her boyfriend as I took the opportunity to get away. I glanced while looking out of the corner of my eye and noticed Jenna’s boyfriend was fighting Howard. I was stunned. They were rolling on the ground.

Jenna’s eyes connected with mine and I ran away.

I felt like shit. For all I knew, Jenna and her gang would help her boyfriend beat the crap out of him. I opened my book bag and took out a book after I stuffed my keys deep in my pocket. There was no way I was going in unarmed and tossed my book bag under a bush. I ran back and swung the book as hard as I could at the dark-haired girl. She caught it and snatched it away.

“What the fuck!“ she yelled and I saw a bright light. I didn’t even have time to put my hands up. My face exploded with more pain as I fell to the ground. I felt someone pulling my hair and kicking me in the side. I moved a bit scratching and punching before we heard sirens. I stopped when I felt something slam
into my stomach hard and pain flew up my body to every limb. Howard pulled me up. He already had his things and he pulled me around the corner to where my book bag sat.

“I can’t.” I wheezed.

“You have to. They’ll be on us Jenna.” he whispered and he grabbed my things and we jogged around another corner and down a street. We didn’t stop until we were in my back yard after I made sure my grandparents’ car was gone. I collapsed in the yard, my lungs on fire, my body drenched with sweat and covered in forming bruises and dirt. I don’t know how long I laid in the yard with Howard but we laid in silence for at least 30 minutes and my heart pumped and I had closed my eyes trying to ignore the throbbing pain of my body.

“Oh God.” I whispered what seemed an eternity later. I heard him sigh softly and then grunt. I let my head fall to the side so I could see him.

“Why?” Something intrigued me about him, scared me actually. He barely knew me except that I was extremely rude to everyone and I had this habit of pissing off all the wrong people despite my efforts to stay invisible. The year had just begun and I already had Jenna ready to rip me apart.

“What do you mean why?” he asked pushing himself up. I sucked in air and pushed myself up quickly. I groaned. I slowly lifted my shirt to see how bad the bruise on my stomach was.

“That’s what friends do.”

“I do not want to hear that shit.” I rolled my eyes. Either he was an excellent friend or I was just a bad person.

“What do you mean?” he asked. “I just-”

“I want the real reason.” I said standing. He stopped slowly.

“That is the real reason.” he cracked his neck and I steadied myself on the side of the house. I felt sick to my stomach.

“No it’s not.” I said kneeling and leaning against the house. I just wanted to wake up so bad. I
wanted this to be a dream. I couldn’t believe it had actually happened. How would I explain the bruises and pain to my grandparents. To everyone at school. I wanted to die, just right then and there.

“No you don’t. It’ll scare you.”

“What is it?”

“I think you’re beautiful.”

“You still think I’m beautiful?” I asked standing.

“You’re absolutely beautiful. You’re even more beautiful because you came back for me even though you knew they were going to beat you up.”

“I’m an idiot. I went down so fast.” I stopped myself after that sentence. I wanted to go on: How am I going to explain this to my grandparents? What are they going to do? That was too far, I was opening up and I stopped myself. I couldn’t do that, I wouldn’t allow myself. I had already said too much.

“You went down fast?” he chuckled, “I don’t even think he let me get a punch to his face.”
“Look, I’m going to clean up and go to bed.” I said and I began limping inside. He smiled and nodded.

“See you tomorrow.” he said. I unlocked the door and walked in. The house was quiet and the sun was beginning to set so the house was increasingly becoming darker. I turned on the light for the living room, dropped my things on the floor and went upstairs. An hour later, I decided to take a shower. The soap and water burned my cuts and my skin was tender around the bruised areas. I washed my hair too. I watched as the dirt ran from my body and spun down the drain as brown water mixed with blood. I finally wrapped a towel around my body and looked at my face in the mirror. I had a bruise forming at the bottom of my jaw where the dark-haired girl had used my own weapon against me.

I dried myself off feeling angry and weak. I slipped on my pajamas and laid in my bed trying not to hope for anything because for me, hope destroys more than it helps. I closed my eyes trying to ignore a newly formed throbbing headache but it was hard when I felt the tears slid down my face and fall into my ear. I wrapped the blanket around my body and let the tears fall without moving. I laid there with closed eyes and listened to my grandparents talking down stairs about me not going to counseling. I knew they’d come up here and literally break down the door.

The door opened minutes later and my grand ma walked in turning the light on. The blanket was already over my head and face so I knew she/they couldn’t see me.

“We were out looking for you Lucca.” So. “I was very concerned at first. And then it made me angry.” Oh. I’ll remember to cry when I care. “You know you have counseling and yet you just ignore that like you practically ignore everything else in your life.” She was trying not yell. I know that. But at this point, I just really could care less what she wanted. She acted as if I ever cared what she wanted.

“I know you’re awake child. We knew you were home because your things were all over the floor downstairs.”

Silence.

“Lucca!” she yelled toward the lump that she assumed looked most like my head.

“I’m trying to go to sleep.” I mumbled through the blanket. She ripped the blanket down in an unexpected move. Her face went from angry to concerned. The kids faces wouldn’t do that tomorrow.

“Lucca, what happened? Who did this?” she demanded the last sentence like someone was about to die. I’d tell her, but since nothing was going to come out of it (she wasn’t going to call the police or go beat the shit outta anyone) I kept quiet.

“I slammed into a door.”

“Lucca!”

“Everyone uses that excuse.” I sighed.

“Lucca, what happened?” she begged. My grandfather walked in.

“I’m fine.”

“What happened to your face Lucca?” he asked.

“Don’t worry about it. I think it looks good on me.” I muttered snatching the blanket from her and
pulling it up around my shoulders, “Could you please turn the light off, I’m trying to sleep.”

“Lucca, look at me!”

“What will you do! Nothing. So why the fuck do you need to know?!” I yelled and I pulled the blanket over my head. I waited for the reaction but probably the worse one came. I heard them both walk out of my room. Silence. I hated when that was their reaction. That meant a storm of shit that I won’t like is coming.

I was scared but I wasn’t gonna run this time.

Seven


I stepped outside and wished it was 60 degrees. It was a scorching 93 degrees with a humidity I didn’t want to know. And it was only 7:21 am. I slid out of the car and my grandma stopped the door.

“Lucca, whatever happens today, I love you.”

“I’m not going to die okay.” I said curtly and I
closed the door. I felt more in my element when I was mean. I felt safe. I turned around and walked up the stairs. I heard whispers immediately. It was like every laugh that echoed in my head was toward me and everyone’s eyes were glued to my face. I didn’t want to melt, I wanted to disintegrate. I never wanted to see these people again. I hurried over to him. There was a familiar face I knew wouldn’t laugh…at least he wasn’t supposed to.

“You look like shit.” I said and he smiled alittle more. There was a purple bruise over the left side of his right eye. There was also a bruise on the opposite side of his face on his cheek.

“You don’t look to hot yourself.” he said rubbing his jaw. I gave him a small smile.

“What class you goin’ to?” I asked.

“I’m not. I’m leaving to go walk around town. You
wanna come?”

“Whatever.” I said and he smiled.

“You’re melting.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” he said walking into the school. I didn’t know what it meant but I didn’t really care. It was hot, 7:30 in the morning and we were walking through a school with no air conditioning. We walked to the back and snuck out where the smokers were after we put our book bags in his locker. We hopped a short fence and started walking to the city. After ten minutes or so, the school disappeared behind us and we wandered around clothing shops. He brought me a sun dress and some makeup and I madly put the shit on. It was to make me look older. A sundress, high heels and sunglasses. I thought it looked somewhat classy but I wasn’t the class type. I got to pick out his outfit so I made him wear tight pants and a Hollister shirt. If I’d be uncomfortable, so would he. He swore he’d never talk to me again.

“What do you want to do?” he asked as we stood outside of Hollister. I held a bag with Pac Sun on it with my clothes in it. He held a Hollister bag.

“Go exchange these shoes for flip flops.”

“Teenagers wear flip flops.” he said matter-of factly. I scoffed.

“I’m sorry king Howard for asking.” I said sounding offended and sarcastic. He smiled at me.

“No harm intended.” he smiled. I had to admit, he was cute. Even with his bruised eye and cheek, he had tanned skin and these large oval brown eyes. His nose was sharp but curved and he had high cheek bones. He was more pretty than handsome and it was weird but I loved his personality.

“Let’s go. We can go to the park. I already see people looking at us because we don’t look any older than we are.” he shrugged.

“So I’m wearing these horrible clothes for nothing.”

“Wear it to church.”

“I don’t go to church.” I said raising my eyebrow.

“You don’t go to church?”

“No, why?” I said and he took my hand and led me off across the street. I sucked in breath. It wasn’t the fact he was leading me that made me nervous, he was touching me and my heart was fluttering. I was scared but my games face was still on. I was still cool and collected. Still angry, Asian and mad.

“I’m gonna show you my church. It’s the large one by the park.”

“I don’t recall.” I said trying to sound uninterested.

“I know you care.” he turned back to me and pulled me down a maze of streets that made up downtown.

We arrived at a grassy field minutes later and we trekked across the freshly cut green grass. It sweltered in the hot air that made sweat form on my skin. The sun blared down and it was making me somewhat annoyed because the light fabric of the sun dress was beginning to cling to my body and shape me more than I cared to be. I didn’t like one inch of my body. I’m ugly and I’m fine with it.

“How do you know?” It took me a while because it was so hot and it took all my energy not to faint from the heat. I watched my feet as they stepped through the grass. I nearly sprained my ankle a hundred times trying to balance on high heels in grass. A fly fluttered briefly brushing past my leg and the moist grass made my feet clammy and wet.

I looked up as he said, “This is my church.” It was beautiful and majestic like the churches in Europe. It was a tanned color and it had green streaks down it. I guessed it had to do something with chemical erosions of copper. I liked the gothic German architecture. I liked the tall pointed towers that sat atop of it. The towers were so tall, it seemed they scratched against the blue sky that was full of fluffy white clouds. Of course Howard never saw this through my face or my eyes.

“It’s beautiful.” I said respectfully.

“We can go in.” he said looking at me.

“Naaa.” I starred at the church and how it stood against the sky. It was stunning, “I’ll pass.”

“Come on.” he said ripping me along.

“Damn boy!” I cried and then I fell twisting my ankle.

“Shit!” he cried. He dropped to the ground and for the first time I saw he was scared, worried, troubled.

“Look what you did.” I rubbed it in his face as I
slipped off the shoe. My ankle throbbed but it didn’t feel horrible. I rubbed it. He placed his fingers and began to massage my ankle. I removed my hands and starred at him. My heart fluttered when his fingers touched my skin. His fingers were like electricity and I breathed in deeply but quietly.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Dude, I didn’t mean to make you fall.”

“Howard.” I said and he looked at me with tears in his eyes. We held eye contact for seconds before I felt a tear hit my skin. His fingers fell from my ankle and he kneeled in the grass. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. One minute we were laughing and running along. The next he’s crying. Besides, it’s been a long time since I’ve cared for someone. I pulled him in a hug and rubbed his back like I saw on the TV shows. That’s what everyone did when someone cried. But then I also wanted him close to me but still at a distance. He cried into my shoulder and he melted. I had never seen him do more than a smile and echo no criticism to me.

“What’s wrong.” I knew it was deeper than me falling. It was deeper than me hurting my ankle.

“Nothing.”

“That’s bullshit.” I pushed.

“Leave it alone.”

“What the hell happened last night when you went home? Was it me? Mom, brother. Sister?” I pushed hard because I didn’t know what else to do and I wanted to know. My heart was beating fast now. I don’t know what emotion it is. I’m more confused about my emotions because I’ve never felt what it was.

“No.” he whispered.

“Uncle? Dad?” His head turned away sharply at the word “dad”.

“He and mama argued last night. He hasn’t come
home and mama’s worried. He left because he thinks…”

At first I had thought that the city’s voice had drowned him out but I watched his lips because I couldn’t look in his eyes. So much pain from…I don’t know where it came from.

“Howard, come on.” I said softly, “Tell me.” I said slipping my hand into his. I tried not to show I hesitated but my hand gripped his lightly.

“He thinks I’m pitiful.” he said with a look of disgust on his face, “He thinks I’m disgusting.” he said and I could hear his Spanish accent now. He was shaking his head now and he starred at the ground. He uttered something in Spanish.

“What does your mom think?”

“What does mama think? She’s mad and I get a feeling they have always looked down on me. I’ve never been a big personality in the family. John with his humor, Pollyanna with her beauty, Caroline is so successful in everything she does and she’s in college getting straight A’s and she’s in everything. She’s the president of her class and she’s one of the youngest in her class. I try and keep a positive attitude but he calls me weak and when I try and prove that I‘m strong, he throws it back into my face.” he growled the last sentence.

“Howard, you have tons of personality.” I said and I was so out of my comfort zone that I probably would need a pass port to get back to my comfort level. I didn’t like to compliment people.

“I tell myself that every time they remind me how beautiful my hermaña is, how crazy my brother is. How amazing my sister is. I can’t get above. I can’t do them justice. And it hurts. Either I act too feminine that he wishes he had a daughter sometimes or I’m a golfo.” I didn’t even want to know what that meant so I didn’t ask.

I starred at our hands while he starred at my face.

“It’s okay to ask. I‘m sorry, sometimes I ramble in Spanish.” I smiled.

“What’s a gofo?”

“Golfo. It’s Spanish for hooligan.

“I think you’re damn beautiful and anyone who disagrees can go straight to hell. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone Howard.” I told him feeling angry. I was angry at his stupid parents for making him feel like crap for having a big heart. I was angry at his brother for covering Howard’s wit and his sister for being beautiful and his older sister for being the complete opposite of me: a success. He surprised me. I thought he was happy, I thought his family was perfect. I thought that he lived a good life with support. How could his attitude be so positive despite his family’s unacceptance?

“You want to know what I mean by you were melting?”

I smiled because he wasn’t crying anymore and he
was molding back into the Howard where nothing you could say could alter his face except a grin that told the world “words will never hurt me”.

“Yeah, that would be-” He grabbed my face and pulled me toward him. Our lips smooshed together softly. It was short. He looked in my eyes.

“You’re not as cold as you were.” he said softly. It scared me. I was scared but I wasn’t gonna run this time.