Knock. Knock. Knock.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Nick rolled his eyes as he sat on the other side of the door, leaning against it on the off chance Brian or Kevin were able to find a key or pick the lock. They’d been trying all morning, in fact it was their fault he woke up, hearing them trying to get the door open. The night before had been enough drama to last a lifetime. Or, at least till he forgot about his. He’d hid out in the open after Brian overheard him yelling at Kevin, amongst the Littrells he knew they’d want to keep oblivious to it for now. So although he knew Brian wanted to try and talk, although he knew it was selfish, he ran away the best way he could. Once he was able to slip away, he did, keeping the door locked to the guest room he had been hiding out in ever since.
It was growing harder cause he could smell the breakfast Brian’s mom was cooking at this point, but still, he could manage. He laughed at himself. So this was how he was going to spend Christmas day. Locked away in a bedroom trying to hide from the world as he fought to keep himself from crying.
Almost feels like a Carter Christmas after all.
“Nick come on!”
“Brian, forget it, he’s not coming out.” He heard fading footsteps and waited. Kevin was known for the fake out tactics over the years. What, did they think he was twelve? Completely gullible and able to fall for tricks that were over a decade old? If they wanted him to come out that badly, Nick knew they’d have to try harder.
“He really left Nick.”
Nick breathed deeply, attempting to calm himself. He was completely unsuccessful of course.
“Daddy Kev’s gone…so you gonna come out now? Talk to me? I know you’re awake. I heard you trip over your suitcase when you did.”
Nick didn’t answer, instead he wondered how everything could go so badly in seven months time. Was it really only that long ago where he thought he had so much time to get his act together? He asked himself silently for what had to be the billionth time what did he do to deserve this? And he knew it was only going to get harder. This was exactly why he didn’t want anyone knowing. All it did was upset them, and make things even harder for him to try and cope. His head rested against the cool wooden door, shutting his eyes. All he wanted was to block it all out, to make it go away. He wished for simple oblivion, a bliss he was no longer welcome to have.
“Okay, if you don’t come out. I’m just gonna sing to you all day. I know you’re awake Frackolas…”
A smirk appeared despite himself. Brian had to go up a level in his ploy to get Nick to open the door. He thought about how complicated everything was. How he didn’t care if Brian wanted to talk about it, he didn’t. He didn’t want to see the look of shock and despair on his best friend’s face again, the way he did last night. Opening his eyes, he smiled sadly at the pile of gifts he unpacked last night. This was supposed to have been an escape from the drama.
“Alright you Chipmunks, Ready to sing your song?...” he could hear Brian asking in a deeper voice.
“No…” Nick muttered, trying his damnedest not to laugh. “You are not…”
“I'd say we are!” He continued, mimicking the Chipmunks. “Yeah, Lets sing it now!”
He’s insane…and it won’t work. Keep trying Frick.
“Okay, Simon? OK. Okay, Theodore? OK. Okay Alvin?...Alvin?...ALVIN!!! OKAY!!”
Nick fought the laughter that spilled out despite everything. He needed to keep himself quiet or he knew Brian would never leave him alone. He waited, and then suddenly he heard guitar strumming. Nick blinked, Brian was going to play the song too?
“Christmas, Christmas time is near,
Time for toys and time for cheer.
We've been good, but we can't last,
Hurry Christmas, Hurry fast.
Want a plane that loops the loop,
Me, I want a Huuuuuuuuula-Hoooop….”
Brian continued to croon in his almost flawless imitation of the Chipmunks, finally Nick cracked up. He couldn’t help himself as he rolled over on the floor, simply laughing. It felt good. Sighing, he stood, opening the door to see Brian smiling from where he was sitting on the ground with his guitar in hand. He felt himself match the grin Brian had easily. Fighting with him was always so hard. Slipping back into the patterns of their friendship was so incredibly simple, and felt like a weight had lifted. Nick held out a hand for him to take, and pulled him up. He turned, heading back to the bed after locking the door behind him.
“Where’s Bay?”
“Asleep, not as eager to wake up as he was a couple years ago when he thought Santa still existed. Leighanne’s helping mom cook breakfast so I could have some time to try and talk-” He caught the stricken look on Nick’s face. “-hey, it’s okay, I haven’t told her yet…she just thinks we fought.”
“You may as well sit down so we can talk then.”
Brian nodded, setting the guitar aside as he idly ran a hand through his thinning golden curls. His eyes were simply concerned. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Nick shrugged and looked away to grab the nearby pillow. He picked at it, doing his best to avoid Brian’s gaze as he talked. “I knew how you’d react. How everyone will. I didn’t want it.”
A hand rested on his shoulder the light coming through the nearby window glinted off of Brian’s large wedding ring. Nick almost wanted to snicker, the pimp ring was what their fans called it. He always agreed with them about it being a bit too big. “You didn’t need to try and deal with it alone.”
“I didn’t, I told Kevin.”
“Anyone else?”
“Does my zombie loving therapist that the doctors forced on me count?”
“…No, points for the love of zombies though.” Brian joked.
“Haha. I was…trying.”
“By hiding it?”
“Look, I can’t even deal with it. How can I tell you guys and expect you to? You guys will all look at me with those sympathetic eyes, treat me like I’m some fragile as fuck piece of china. I don’t want that. I just…” Nick hugged the pillow close, staring down at his bare feet. “I wanted everything to stay normal for as long as I could.” He uttered softly, as if by saying them almost inaudibly made it less real.
“Nick, with you, nothing’s normal.”
“You know what I mean.”
Brian nodded. “I do…but you gotta let us be there for you. While we still can, you know? You’re my brother where it counts, I’m always here for you. Always will be.” He paused. “Even when you can’t remember why I drive you crazy.”
“Thanks. Look I was doing it for you guys…I just don’t want you remembering me for what I’m gonna end up as.”
“You think that’s how I’ll remember you? Come on, I’ll remember you for being my partner in crime. Like the poop sock in the drum. Or AJ’s cat butt hair that he had to claim was his idea.”
Nick cracked up, giggling uncontrollably. “Yes! We were doing that Jingle Ball thing…and he woke up and freaked out cause he looked like a cat’s ass. That was hard to do, getting the dye right…”
“And you’re Baylee’s favorite Uncle.”
“Of course I am, I mean who else would be able to teach him the finer points of video games, racing boats, and scuba diving?”
Brian smirked. “And pulling pranks on his poor father.”
Nick snickered. “That too.”
Brian paused, looking at Nick seriously for a moment. “You have to tell Howie and AJ.”
“Do I?”
“Yes, you do.”
“Why? Why burden them with that? I didn’t even want to burden you.”
“It’s unfair to them, and you know they’ll know I know, and they’ll wanna know why I know what Kevin knew and didn’t want me to know. So then they’ll bug you to tell me why I get to know what Kevin knows even though you didn’t want me to know, and that they should know whatever it is I know and Kevin knows and you know so that way we all know.” Brian replied in one very long breath, giving a cheesy smile.
“Did you even understand what you said?” He asked between giggles. Brian always had a knack for being able to make light of a situation no matter how it affected him.
“Of course! I know what I know, and you know...”
“I don’t want to tell them. I didn’t want to tell you. It’s easier and better, to leave everyone in the dark till I can’t hide it anymore.”
“It’s not easy, but they deserve you to tell them.”
“I’ll tell them when we go overseas.”
“Fair enough.” He wrapped his arm around Nick, hugging him close from the side. “Sometimes, God performs miracles you know. There’s been cases of people becoming cured, science can’t explain it and all, it happens. I’ll pray for you…maybe He’ll save you. If not…” Brian swallowed hard, and Nick was now seeing the emotions Brian was trying so fiercely to hide for the first time that morning. “…we’re still Frick and Frack. Nothing changes that.”
Nick laid his head on Brian’s shoulder, a habit he developed when they first became friends. There was something that was mentioned to him in his last session. A guardian. Someone who would be responsible for the care of Nick, where he ended up, the legalities and all of that, when his mind finally went. His first thought had been Brian. He opened his mouth to ask.
“Bri…”
“Yeah?”
Nick beamed, shoving the thought aside. He wasn’t sure if he could handle anymore discussion of this. Wasn’t this why he decided not to tell to begin with? “Can we get some food and talk more later? I am starving all to hell. Bet I can beat ya there!” And he bolted out of the room, with Brian laughing as he chased him down the hall.
