I was curled on the floor of my apartment, my knees hugged to my chest. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of me and I clawed at my skin so hard I was bruising, trying to feel anything beside the pain that seared within me.
Claire's fingertips were soft, running along the exposed part of my neck by my ear. She held a cool, damp cloth to my forehead, and whispered soothingly. Her kindness was more than I deserved.
"I want to die," I sobbed into my knees, "I deserve to die. More than she did. So why must I live?"
"Nick, Nick, shh," Claire's own voice was broken, on the verge of tears herself. She smoothed my hair and laid a kiss on the pulse point under my ear. "It's not your fault," she whispered.
I shook from the bitter tears that fell across my face and dripped onto the floor. Images were still burned into my retinas of the poor little girl. "I didn't save her, I didn't save her," I sobbed.
Claire's cheek felt cool against mine as she rested her face parallel with my face, wrapping her arms and legs around my body, encasing me. "You didn't have time to save her, Nick. There was no time."
"What good am I?" I asked, my voice tearing at my throat. "What the fuck am I good for? I can't even save --" I felt wretched. I couldn't even get the words out of my mouth.
"Nick, baby.. Baby, please," Claire begged me, "Please, you're going to hyperventilate."
"Good."
"Shh," she whispered.
"I wanna die, Claire," I begged, "Please... Please. It should've been me, not her... Not her."
Claire's voice was soft. "You can't save everyone every time."
"But she was just a little girl," I whispered. My body felt numb.
"I know," Claire whispered. "You tried. You really did. There was nothing more you could've done."
I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel Claire wrapped around me. My heart pounded in my chest, tattooing the image of the little girl into my mind. I would be haunted by her... by her face, her eyes... forever.
"I've never failed someone before," I whispered.
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Skin created by Kali & edited by Karen.