"This is your home for the next six weeks people!" Richard screeched. I felt like I was walking the green mile. I looked around at my fellow contestants. I watched enough crap on TV to know who most of the people were. Shay and the big black guy were the only two I didn't know.
"Line up! Line up! The crew will get your bags!"
I had a headache threatening to explode. My temples were already starting to pound. I couldn't help but wonder if the competition was really about weight loss or about who would last the longest without killing themselves or Richard.
Someone needed to put the guy out of his (well, our) misery.
I looked to my left. Shay was nervously tugging at her t-shirt. I had a height advantage over her. From my viewpoint, I had a perfect view of her rack. She had a great one.
"WELCOME TO E! PHAT CAMP!" Richard screamed. I jumped; he had broken through my dirty thoughts. He lifted his arms above his head and began to clap.
"ALL TOGETHER NOW! ALL TOGETHER NOW!" he chanted.
Shay looked over at me. She made a stabbing motion. I laughed.
"C'MON PEOPLE!!!"
Reluctantly, I raised my hands over my head and gave a few half-hearted claps. Everyone else did the same.
"WOO-HOO! Alright, who's ready to lose those bellies!"
The only one that let out a loud cheer was a big black woman with an afro. She kicked her leg up in the air. That sent Richard into overdrive.
"My friend here is ready! As you all know, my name is Richard Simmons."
He paused, no doubt expecting some applause. The camera guy made a motion and we all slapped our hands together lightly.
"Now, we're going to all become BEST friends during the course of the show. I want everyone to introduce themselves, but before that happens I want you to go into the dorms, change and meet my by...the scale."
He made it sound so mysterious. He jumped back and began making erratic hand motions.
There was a giant human scale not far off in the distance.
"GO! GO!" he said.
Everyone turned and ran. I don't think it was because we were so excited to claim a bed in a ratty camp house. It was more like we were running from the lunatic that was delusional enough to think we were going to be his best friends.
"Who the hell thought it was a good idea to get Simmons?"
A short guy with glasses held the door open to the camp house. Hanging above the door was a large blue banner that said 'Men.' I reconized the guy right away. He was Wayne Knight from the show Seinfeld.
"Well, you can't deny that he brings a whole batch of excitement. That's what these shows are all about. Well, that and seeing fat celebrities being forced to run and sweat and puke."
I walked in and glanced behind my shoulder. The comment had come from Bruce Vilanch, a writer and comedian.
"You've done this before?"
"I'm an ex-Celebrity Fit Clubber," he said. "It pays the rent. Mablean and Victoria crossed over too."
I looked at him skeptically. It didn't look like Celebrity Fit Club had done much good.
"I gained it all back already," he said. "If that's what you're thinking."
"Dude, dawg. Hey blondie! Dawg!"
I looked towards the back of the room. Considering how small the room was, that wasn't hard to do. There were only two sets of bunks. The black guy was waving at me.
"Yo, you wanna bunk wit' me?"
Bruce and Wayne had already struck up a conversation. It looked like it was going to be young guys against old. I nodded.
"Sure I'll take--"
"I call top bunk!"
The bunk creaked as he hefted himself up. I had a feeling I was going to learn the hard way how Kev used to feel whenever I took top bunk and bounced all my weight down on him.
I grabbed my bags from the corner where the crew had dumped them and slid them underneath the bunk. On the bed was a black t-shirt and shorts with PHAT CAMP written all in caps.
"Hey!"
A big hand shot down inches from my face.
"Lavell."
I shook his hand. "Nick."
"You one of them boy banders?"
I bit the inside of my cheek. "Yup."
"Damn, you got fat."
I looked up. He smiled.
"No offense."
I sighed. It was going to be a long six weeks.
I so needed a drink.
"Are you from SNL?" I asked as me and the three other women walked towards the girls camp house. The blonde woman smiled at me. I was pretty sure she was Victoria Jackson.
"In my past life," she said lightly.
"Those were the best years of the show."
She laughed. "I'll give you that."
"There better not be no bugs in this place."
I turned. The black girl who had kicked her leg up in the air just minutes earlier jogged to catch up with me. She had a short afro and eyes that were as wide as saucers.
"What show you from?" she asked.
"I'm not."
Her brow furrowed. "So how are you famous?"
I was going to ask her the same thing. "My mother's on TV," I said. "What about you?"
The girl grinned. "I'm from Flavor of Love Season 2!"
She held up two fingers.
"Has that even aired yet?" I asked. She shook her head.
"Nope. But once it does imma be famous."
Somehow I doubted that. She nudged me.
"You wanna bunk with me?"
The room was small. And warm. I saw one electrical outlet. Victoria had already paired up with the other older woman. I was pretty sure she had been one of those TV show judges at one point. It looked like it was going to be the young versus the old.
"Sure," I said. I didn't have much choice.
We headed towards the bunk in the back of the room.
"I'm Darra," she said. Before I could claim top bunk, she climbed up and slapped her hands on the mattress possesively.
"Shay," I said. I stared at the bottom bunk. I was claustrophobic. I swallowed hard. Staring up at a mattress wasn't going to work well. My palms began to sweat.
"LOOK AT THIS!"
I looked up at Darra. She was holding a pair of shorts and a sports bra. "Are they serious?"
I glanced down at the bottom bunk. There was an identical set there.
"These have to be yours," Darra said. She flung the set she was holding down to me. I picked up the ones laying on the bottom. They were a size or two bigger. I handed them up to her. I picked up the bra that had landed on the floor.
The bra had PHAT written across it. The shorts had CAMP written on the ass. Were they serious? Did they really expect me to wear this in front of everyone else? I didn't parade around in my underwear even at home!
"Greetings Ladies!"
Richard's voice appeared out of nowhere. I spied an intercom in the ceiling.
"You have two minutes to get dressed and get back on out here for the weigh in! WOOHOO!"
There was a crackle and then nothing. I glanced around. Victoria was already changing. Darra was mumbling above me. Something told me she wasn't going to be doing another leg kick anytime soon. I slid into my bunk and tried to ignore the feeling of walls closing in.
I had never really felt like my mom hated me until now.
This was cruelty to the nth degree. I was going to have my weight announced in front of Richard Simmons, seven strangers, and the entire world while my boobs fell out of the stupid bra and the spandex shorts made my belly look even bigger.
I so needed an Oreo.
