What can you do with a Liberal Arts Degree?
The page I was looking at seemed to be mocking me by title alone. The suggested jobs didn't rock my world. Number eleven on the list was gaming manager. Gaming manager? That's exactly what I wanted to do for the rest of my life - sit in a smoky casino and kick cheaters out.
Number five was Pharmaceutical Sales Rep. The pay looked great, but I knew all about drug abuse. I didn't want to have anything lying around that one day Jake might pick up. Or Nick.
Was it bad that I was already adding Nick into the equation? Sigh.
The truth was I didn't know what I wanted to do. I needed to do something. I was never destined to be a stay-at-home mom. I loved Jake to pieces, but I wanted to do more in life.
Feeling slightly, but not totally discouraged, I closed the laptop and looked over at Jake.
The worse part about his broken wrist was that it had been his writing hand. He was trying to color with his left; his face was screwed up in frustration.
"Hey Jake? You want to go the gym with mommy?"
Jake threw down his yellow crayon. "I can't crawl in the tubes with this wumpy arm!"
"I know," I said. I held up a stopwatch. "But, you can be my coach."
Jake beamed.
"Lauren's perfect for you. There's no one else out there in this whole world that will be as patient with you as she is."
"I'm not denying that she's an amazing person," I said impatiently. The DVD I had stuck in my laptop over an hour ago hadn't been touched. I closed the lid, admitting defeat. "It's just that something happens when I'm around Shay and Jake and we're all together."
"I get what's happening," Leighanne said. Howie's head nodded from the front. I felt like I was the target of a major therapy session. "It took a lot for you to propose to Lauren and you panicked. Shay's your excuse."
I scowled. "Shay's not my excuse. She's--"
"Well, she's sure as hell not your type," AJ quipped. I frowned.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Howie turned around and slid down his glasses.
"C'mon, Lauren's like Christian Dior and Shay, from what you've said, is like, well, Lane Bryant."
"This coming from the man that thinks Target is classy? And I never meant to imply--"
I didn't need to say anything. Right in front of us was a woman who, for all intents and purposes, looked like she could shop at Lane Bryant. She let AJ have it. Howie slid his glasses back up and slid down in his seat, once again returning to the sweet oblivion of acting like he didn't know us. "All Leigh was trying to say is that you've got to stop running," Bri whispered after AJ went to the bathroom to wash the ample amount of Sprite that was thrown in his face off.
I turned around. "I'm not running. It just got crazy. I don't believe in marriage; I still don't believe in marriage. But suddenly I was a dad, and there was Jake, and Lauren's feelings were a jumble and I just wanted to make everyone happy," I rambled. I pressed my hand deeper into the headrest of J's seat. "Besides, I was friggin' bogged down with the hangover from cruise ship hell when I proposed. The alcohol was still fueling my decisions."
"Marriage wasn't your parents issue, Nick. Even if they weren't married and were just living together, don't you think they would have fought just the same? You guys would have been the same kids. There would still be that struggle for sides."
I shook my head. No one could understand what it was like. "It's just safer not to give my name to someone else."
"Does Jake have your last name?" Leighanne asked.
I ran my finger over the spacebar on my keyboard. "No, his last name's Gerard."
No one said anything, but I could tell what they were thinking.
I could compartmentalize all I wanted to, but it still wasn't going to make everything right.
"Five! Fouw! Tree! Two! One! ALL DONE!"
I couldn't hear the beeping of the stopwatch over Jake's cheer, but I stopped all the same. I grabbed a towel and smashed my face into it.
For someone who hated to sweat, I was doing a lot of it lately.
"Where next?" Jake wanted to know.
I had kept Jake entertained for the past hour as I went through my cycle of elipticial, treadmill, weights, and the recumbant bike. I shook my head.
"Mommy's all done."
"Haven't I seen you box here before?"
I turned around. The same gym guy from the day before was standing behind me, giving me a typical pretty-boy Californian smile.
"Sometimes, but my boxing partner's not here," I said.
"Well, I can fill in."
"MOMMY WOULD KICK YOUR BUTT!" Jake said.
"JAKE!"
Gym guy (I couldn't see his name badge today, but I thought it was something like Mike or Micah) laughed. "The challenge has been issued. Now you have to prove it."
"GO MOMMY!"
I looked at Jake. I looked at gym guy.
"Bring it."
"Here we are Jake. Two days old. Welcome home."
The camera zoomed in on the carseat sitting on the table. Jake's teeny tiny face squinted up from under a blanket. Shay's hand came into view and pulled it off.
If I thought I loved my son before, I was hopelessly lost now. I was sitting in my hotel room in Brazil, glued to my laptop. This was all the time I had missed. I couldn't reverse time, but being able to see it was closing up those gaps.
"Here's your ten little fingers and ten little toes," Shay cooed. Her fingers brushed over his hands and feet. It was July; the little outfit he wore showed all of the chubbiness in the hands and feet yearning to grow.
"And even though you look like the sperm donor, you're still cute as a button to me."
Her face came into view, planting a soft kiss on his tiny nose.
I was glad Shay had given me the disclaimer, but it still hurt to hear her tell Jake I was something other than 'daddy'.
But, at least it was different now. We were making it up.
"Hey, Nick! We're going to lunch in twenty. You coming?"
AJ poked his head into my room. I looked up with a smile. "Yeah, sure."
"Whatcha doing?"
"Shay gave me Jake's baby videos. I'm watching them."
AJ strolled over and sat beside me. The screen changed. A slightly bigger, but not by much, Jake was laying on a playmat. Shay was hovered over him, her long curly hair practically touching his outstretched hand.
"Do it again, Jakey. Show mommy that pretty smile that won't give girls a gross STD. C'mon."
The camera wasn't zoomed in, but there was no mistaking the familiar happy smile that lit up his little face as he latched onto one of Shay's curls. Shay clapped.
"There's that smile," J said. He tapped the screen. "The smile that mocked me."
"Would you let it go?" I said with a chuckle, now smarting over the STD comment. "So he locked you out. Big deal."
"Wait 'til he locks you out," J scowled. I shook my head.
"I always carry a spare key."
"Well good for you," J said. The screen changed again. Jake was sitting up now, getting a bath. Shay had sudsed his hair so that it formed a tiny blonde baby mohawk. Jake slapped at the water.
"Gah!" he shrieked as Shay held up a rubber ducky.
"Didn't she have any help?" J asked as we went through the bath, a feeding, and a few minutes of Jake sleeping in his crib. Every time it was Shay. Just Shay. I shook my head.
"She did it all herself," I said.
"Well, I've got to give her credit. Taking care of a mini-Nick couldn't have been easy."
We watched as Shay came into view of the camera (she seemed to try to avoid it most of the time). She stroked Jake's face and pulled a blanket up over him.
"I know," I said slowly, pausing the video. J and I both stood up. "And that's one of the reasons I'm starting to fall in love with her."
