1.       MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH

When I finally calmed down enough, I set a fearful foot into the room. The scene was heartbreaking. Nick just sat there beside the bed, the saddest look in his eyes, his hand locked in Brian’s, and he stroked his best friend’s head absentmindedly. But the thing that broke my heart wasn’t something I could see. Nick hadn’t noticed me coming in and he continued to sing softly to his best friend, like a mother would do to her sick child, his voice choking on the lyrics that came out with so much emotion that it made my throat clench up as well.

“When my heart did time in Siberia

Was waiting for a lie to come true

Cause it’s all so dark and mysterious

When the one you want doesn’t want you too…”

It had been Brian’s favourite song from our latest album, and he had told me confidentially that it had been his favourite song ever. Hearing Nick singing it brought back memories of a life we used to have. When our biggest concern had been if we got out on the street without any disguise, were the fans gonna recognize us? When our biggest concern had been for AJ, if we would be able to keep him out of any nightclubs. When  our worries had been for Nick, who didn’t seem able to keep himself from taking the same path as AJ had done. When our biggest concern had been for Kevin, who seemed to enjoy the popstar life lesser and lesser as days flew by. After he had recovered from the heart-surgery in 1998, we hadn’t worried much about Brian anymore. He just went, getting married, having babies, building a life he had always dreamt of. At most, we had to ask ourselves if maybe he hadn’t taken a bit too much coffee sometimes, when we watched him bouncing all around the room, stage, dancing studio or tour bus. But just like Nick, he had always had a high energy level, so we didn’t worry. But now we’ve had to worry about him for the past few months, and all of our former worries seem irrelevant. Nor Kevin, AJ, me or Nick had ever gotten themselves in such a horrible situation as Brian had managed to do.

Listening to Nick’s soft and tearful song, I couldn’t help but sing along.

“I gave myself away completely

But you just couldn’t see me

I was sleeping in your bed

But someone else was on your mind

In your head…”

The song ended abruptly when Nick turned around in his seat. He looked at me with helpless blue eyes full of so much sorrow and pain, that I had to look away.

“He loves that song.” Nick said in a thick voice.

I only nodded, because I didn’t trust my own voice enough to speak.

“It’s his favourite.” Nick also nodded to himself. I realized that Nick hadn’t seen his friend in the hospital yet. It was the first time he watched Brian slowly dying in front of him. I could only imagine what kind of impact that must have had on him. We sat in silence for a while, just focusing on the lifeless person on the bed. After sighing deeply, Nick finally spoke up.

“He’s never gonna wake up, is he?” All the hope had left his features and he seemed a lot older than I remembered.

“He still could. Doctors haven’t said he’s brain dead yet. So there must be something left of him that’s still in there.” I didn’t want Nick to lose hope. All hell would break lose if Nick lost hope. But mostly it was because I didn’t want to lose the tiny, little figment of hope I had still left.

“You really think so?” Nick watched me with a begging look. Please tell me you think so, they seemed to demand.

“Sure.”

Nick didn’t say anything. He just rested his head on Brian’s arm and started to cry.

Sure, Brian was like a brother to all of us, but Nick had been the one he was closest to. They had always shared everything with each other, from rooms to secret codes, to all of their darkest secrets. Well, almost all of their darkest secrets. Brian had been Nick’s hero, and Nick had been Brian’s little brother, that had loved him unconditionally. I couldn’t imagine what seeing his hero like this must have done to Nick. Without saying another word, I left the room.

The next time I came into Brian’s room it was two days later, and Nick had left. He was replaced by Harold and Leighanne, both staring absently ahead. As I came closer, I realized Brian wasn’t alone in his bed. A small, blond kid was cuddled up next to his father, big, fat tears sliding silently down his cheeks, out of his closed eyes. Leighanne looked up when I entered and walked straight at me to give me a tight hug. Something seemed to have changed her anger into grief, cause this was the first time I have seen her crying for her husband. But this was also the first time she allowed Baylee to know what happened to his daddy, and I wasn’t sure that had been her best idea.

“You shouldn’t have brought him here, Leigh.’’ I sighed.

“I couldn’t lie to him anymore. He has a right to say goodbye.” I couldn’t believe my ears. She told him?! You couldn’t just keep silent about their father to children, and then all of a sudden tell them he was dying.

“You told him?!”

“No, of course I didn’t! I just told him his father was very sick, but apparently he already knew that, because uncle Howard had already told him.” I swallowed hard when I saw the angry fire in her eyes again.

“How’s he taking it?” I asked to avoid the previous subject.

Leighanne sighed. “He’s not. Wouldn’t calm down until I allowed him to crawl into the bed to snuggle beside daddy. Kept screaming for Brian to wake up. It was terrible.’’

Nodding, I sat down beside her and we watched the two on the bed, both asleep, only one of them would wake up. But maybe…

“He could still wake up.” I muttered to myself. Ever since Kevin had told me, the feeling that Brian wasn’t lost forever kept getting stronger. And I only realized I had said it aloud when I heard the woman next to me scoff.

“Don’t be ridiculous Howard. It’s false hope you’re running on. And we can’t keep him alive with false hope.” She motioned to her husband.

“No I guess not… but someone else can…” I looked at Harold, who seemed lost in thought, staring absently out of the window. He didn’t even notice I was talking about him. I sighed and Leighanne cleared her throat.

“I used to so angry with him… But now… I don’t know… After all he put me and Baylee through, I still can’t help but loving him… I mean, he must have had a reason right?” She said uncertainly. I could clearly see the doubt on her face, hear the desperation in her voice. I was proud of her, she finally had left the anger behind her and seemed ready to support her husband once more. I wanted to tell her that, but then the door opened and Nick came in. He looked a lot better than he had probably done in weeks. He had shaved, put his hair back in the original shape and seemed to have finally gotten some sleep.

“Full house,’’ he commented lightly as he stepped into the crowded hospital room. We all looked at him expectantly. I couldn’t imagine where his good mood could have come from.

“So, I talked to AJ yesterday,” he began.

“And?” I asked. I knew he liked to stretched information as long as he could and wouldn’t continue unless someone urged him to.

“I told him what Kevin told us,” he continued.

“And?” I questioned impatiently. I really wasn’t in the mood for this.

“You know what he said? He said ‘go ahead’, he doesn’t even care!” he yelled indignantly, “If Brian dies, he’s not invited on the funeral!”

I don’t think he realized what he said, but he must have when a collective gasp filled the room.

“Aww, shit, I didn’t mean it like that!” Nick apologized desperately. I shook my head at him, indicating that it was better he kept quiet.

“Nobody’s dying, Nickolas!” Harold’s voice boomed through the room. He seemed to have finally snapped out of his trance.

“Would you keep your voice down? Baylee’s sleeping,” I asked him.

“What’s he doing here?” Nick only noticed right then that there was a little boy sleeping on the bed against his father’s side.

“Long story, did you bring the note?” I questioned him eagerly.

“What note?” Leighanne and Harold asked simultaneously.

“Another long story,” Nick smiled with a smooth face, “Calm down, D, it’s right here.” I looked at him and nodded slightly. He had done right in not telling them. I didn’t want them to know what we were doing until we were certain about what we were doing.

“Are you guys still obsessing over that note Brian wrote?” Leighanne sighed annoyed.

“He left a note?” Harry must have felt left out.

“Yeah, he wrote one with a non-existing phone number on it. Howard been obsessing over it ever since.” I glanced at her indignantly.

“It wasn’t a phone number! It was a code!” Nick spoke excited.

“A…” She was interrupted by Baylee.

“Daddy?” I heard him ask in a hopeful voice. All heads in the room turned to the bed. Then I noticed Brian’s hand shaking slightly. My heart started to hammer in my throat.

“Daddy? Wake up!” Baylee exclaimed excitedly.

“Nick, get Baylee out of the room!” Harold yelled urgently. He must have thought the same thing as I did. It’s going wrong. Nick did as he was told and scooped Baylee up in his arms. The small three-year-old apparently did not approve of the way he was being treated.

“No, wanna stay! Stay with Daddy!” he yelled. I could still hear him shouting outside the door. Then Nick tried to distract him and his muffled voice came through the walls.

“Hey big boy, I heard you can already count to ten! Is that true?” Baylee’s yelling silenced, and a moment later we could hear him starting to count.

Meanwhile Harry was already hovering over his little brother. Brian’s eyes were opened wide, but I suppose he couldn’t see anything, cause only the whites were visible. He started to shake uncontrollably and I heard Leighanne shout in fear at the sight. I jumped into action and helped Harold trying to hold the man in the bed down. I felt him shaking against my arms, heard him choking on the tube that was in his throat and tried to keep track of the time as the convulsions got more intense as time went by. This is the end… I thought. The seizure seemed to last forever and the tremors weren’t lessening, I realized. I’ve only seen Brian seizing two times before. Two out of four. Harold had seen them all… The last one had only been three days ago. It wasn’t right, they were following each other up too close.

“How long?” I shouted at Harry. I didn’t need to shout, he was standing right next to me, but the stress of the situation forced me to.

“Four minutes!” He shouted back. Apparently he was feeling the same stress. This wasn’t good. I had read somewhere that any seizures lasting longer than two minutes could cause permanent damage.

Finally a set of doctors and nurses came in and took over the situation. We were all sent out of the room, into the waiting room, where Nick sat with Baylee on his lap. He looked up expectantly when we came in.

“And?” He questioned softly.

I couldn’t do anything but shake my head, wondering if the final decision Kevin had talked to us about, would even be our decision at all.