"So, why were you so insistent on me traveling with you for the first half of the drive today?" Grace questioned curiously as she collapsed on the thick couch sitting off to the side of the tour bus's living room area, watching Brian tinkering with the expensive CD system in order to get some country music playing. She had to laugh at his furled expression, obviously far too many buttons for the man to deal with at a single glance. But, she attempted to be sweet as possible, just watching patiently as she sketched a small drawing off to the side of her recently composed song. It had been the one Kitra had so obnoxiously read without permission, but Grace hadn't perfected it until waiting for the tour to officially start. Now she had a picture in her head of a flaming heart design that she couldn't get rid of. Especially when she thought of Howie on his private tour bus, wondering if he truly did miss her.
"I thought it would be fun to hang out without interruptions from Nick... or AJ... Kevin... Kitra--"
"I think I get the point," Grace replied quickly, holding back a smirk as Brian resorted to hitting every button as a trial and error. "D'you need some help with that, Bri-Bear?"
"Are you going to make fun of me if I say yes?" he immediately questioned, glancing back to the young girl with a playful smile. The connection he had made with Grace was actually indescribable, mostly because he found her strength of God so amazing. He assumed the most treacherous of things had happened in her past, yet she still relied on God to help her along her 'rough' patches. Not to mention how adorably sweet she was when not put against a defensive wall. He reminded her of a little sister that he should have had, but never had the chance to.
"No," she promised, standing to lean over his shoulder. She studied the piece of equipment for a few moments, then pressed a single button and a steady pulse of country music started to flow. She heard him curse underneath his breath, but she smiled sweetly instead, noticing a framed photograph on the entertainment system. Curiously, she reached to pluck it for better examination, immediately recognizing the beautiful woman as Brian's wife, Leighanne. "She's so pretty..."
"I'll have to agree with you on that. I thank God everyday that He let her walk into my life so long ago on the As Long As You Love Me set," he smiled, pressing a kiss to his fingertips and touching the photo.
"And you even have one of those romantic love stories that you can tell over and over to your children and then your grandchildren," Grace approved with a wistful smile, gingerly setting the photograph back in place. She had done so much analyzing of her relationship with Howie and that seemed to be one of the largest pitfalls in her heart. She'd never be able to live down the fact that he fell in love with her while she gave him an expensive lap dance his best friend paid for. It seemed unfair, almost like a looming curse to the relationship. "...You're planning on flying her out a lot, aren't you?"
"As much as I can, but she's got a lot of photo shoots and other things going on. She stays as busy as we do."
"Oh... But she's still coming to visit and keep you from getting lonely, right?"
"Yeah--"
"Good, because I don't think I could have seriously acted like I was romantically interested in you to make her jealous so she'd purposely fly out to make sure you weren't lonely," Grace teased, climbing back onto the couch to finish her sketch.
"And you will never repeat that in front of her," Brian chuckled, placing the frame back in its spot and settling beside her. "What’cha drawing?"
"Why can't I repeat that in front of her?" Grace questioned curiously as she held the journal to her chest so Brian couldn't peek. She was always insecure about her art, especially considering how hard her father was during her years at home. It wasn't uncommon for her to get punished for spending idle time drawing, singing, writing, or dancing. Actually, it was uncommon for her to be constantly punished no matter what the cause. So it was a protective reflex.
"Because she'll counter with the 'how could you make someone so sweet as Grace trick me into visiting?' and make me feel guilty and possibly ground me during our breaks in the tour... she's a typical Georgian woman."
"She does not think I'm sweet--"
"Yes, she does. She loves you!"
"You're absolutely ridiculous--"
"Maybe so, but I always tell the truth."
Grace grew quiet for a moment, just studying him until her lips curved into a soft smile. "Southern women are the best."
"Of course. Why do you think Howie's has fallen so hard for you?" Brian nudged Grace's shoulder with his.
"Brian..."
"I don't lie, Gracie-Babe."
"I know, but--"
"But what?"
"I'm just so damn confused and it's embarrassing to say the least. And every time anyone mentions my relationship with Howie, I get sick to my stomach..."
"A bad sick to your stomach or a good sick to your stomach?"
"There's a difference?"
"Yes," Brian chuckled at the look of confusion washing over her cherubic face.
"Apparently I didn't get the memo."
"The bad kind is where you don't even want to think about a relationship with Howie. That you don't care for him at all. The good kind is like the butterfly in your stomach sensation. That even though you're scared about getting close to him, deep inside you want to. Does that make sense?"
"Yes..." she trailed, closing the battered journal before settling it on her lap. Gingerly, she traced her fingertips over the fading engraving of a beautiful fairy, exhaling a slow breath. "How do you know when you're in love? ... Y'know, because Howie is always saying he is and I just don't understand how he can be..."
"It's different for everyone, but... love is when you miss that person, even if you're away from them for a few minutes. Everything they do makes your stomach do flip-flops. Their kisses cause your heart to flutter and you lose your breath. And you can’t imagine life without them. They make you happy and feel complete. If Howie says he's in love with you... then you do some, all or even more of those things to him."
Grace frowned when she realized how much she mimicked Brian's explanation when she was around Howie. Truly, she was in love with him by Brian's standards and by her own standards, if she'd only trust herself. "He's never said it to me... Just everyone else seems to relay it..."
"Maybe he's afraid to scare you if he says he is."
"Maybe..."
"What's on your mind, Grace? Truthfully."
"Just..." Grace hesitated as she glanced back down to her journal. All her life she had been taught to hold her emotions inward. Never to release the pain to anyone. So, her only means of an outlet was her journal. That last gift from her mother before she was cruelly taken away. And, with great frustration, there was no way that she could honestly release her emotions about Howie verbally. Starting to tremble slightly with obvious trepidation, she flipped to her most recent set of lyrics dedicated to Howie, where she had been sketching. She offered it toward Brian. "Is that love?"
"You wrote this?"
"After the first time Howie kissed me..."
"Wow. This is a beautiful song, Grace--"
"But is it love?"
"Was this what you were feeling when you wrote it?"
Grace leaned over Brian, resting her cheek on his shoulder as she reflected on the lyrics. Truly, every single word on that single page pertained to Howie. She had thought of nothing else but that man when she wrote it. Every single emotion in her heart had poured forth in those stanzas. "Yes... Why?"
"That's love, Gracie-Babe. That's love."
Grace bit down hard on her bottom lip to the point where she thought it might start to bleed. To have someone confirm what she had been agonizing over for weeks was overpowering to say the least. It was almost like a warm relief as she thought of loving Howie. For so long she had only known the love of her mother. Then when that was taken away, she figured it would be nonexistent. But Howie was real and pledging everything to her. For once, tears actually slipped and broke against her peach cheeks. "You can't tell Howie about this..."
"Aren't you going to talk to him about this?" Brian reached over and wiped away the tears with his thumb.
"I don't know--"
"I think you should."
"He'd think I was lying..." she trailed hurtfully, realizing how far she had been pushing him for sexual favors when all she had really wanted was his love. If she confessed those words to him; he'd just think she was trying to get sex.
"Grace, he would not! Why do you say that?"
"I've been too slutty towards him--"
"Whoa, whoa. whoa. That's a damn lie."
"No, it's not," Grace defended, reaching to take the journal back.
"Yes it is," Brian held the journal above his head. "You're going to tell me all those nights you just wanted Howie for lust and not love?"
"Didn't you hear the rumor that I'm horny as Hell?" she answered vaguely, attempting to reach for the only possession she had in this world.
"Doesn't mean it's only lust," Brian raised his hand higher. "You're not getting the journal until I get a promise that you're going to talk to Howie instead of just hiding with me on my bus."
"You're the one that invited me over here in the first place!"
"You brought it up first, I just agreed with you. There's a difference."
"I don't even care about the damn journal," Grace scoffed hatefully.
"That's bullshit right there."
"I'm not going to make a fool of myself in front of Howie."
"Kind of hard to make a fool of yourself if you love him and he loves you."
"He's not going to believe me," Grace stressed yet again, practically aching to get her journal back. "He knows that I don't believe in making love and that I want him badly. God, I had to leave the room and get a cold shower the other day just to calm down. If I tell him that I love him, which I don't even know is real or not, he's just going to think that I'm trying to relieve all this sexual tension."
"Grace," Brian groaned in annoyance with a slight roll of his eyes. "Do you make excuses like that to make yourself feel better about holding in love for Howie? He loves you. You love him. End of story, just tell him for crying out loud!"
"I can't," she stressed. "And I want you to promise not to say a word about anything."
"It's not my place to say anything. But you're going to be taking cold showers until you're old and gray if you don't tell him."
"Or find someone to relieve sexual tension with," she attempted to joke, motioning desperately to her journal.
"That's not funny, Grace, and you know it."
"...You heard it from AJ and Kit, didn't you?"
"About Nick? Yeah, I sure did. He may be my best friend, but he's so damn unpredictable now that... he may just do something drastic to get something from you."
Grace immediately matched Brian's frown. "Why do they feel the need to spread all this shit that isn't a big deal?"
"When Nick and Corinne are concerned, it's a big deal. Believe me. You may think you know all of Nick's antics, but you really have no idea."
"You haven't seen him at Devil's..."
"And you haven't seen him at the after-concert parties. What he does to fans who are so desperate to..." Brian shuddered.
"Then he shouldn't be bothered with me."
"He wants what Howie had or has."
"So?"
"That means you."
"I can take care of myself. It was just a stupid joke that's going to die after a few weeks."
"I hope you're right. We've lost a couple of dancers in the past because of Nick..."
"Did they all date Howie, too? Is that like his fetish or what?"
"What? No! Nick is the one who has a thing for dancers because he claims their flexibility is good during sex or something perverted like that."
Grace exhaled a hard breath as she curled up on the side of the couch, hugging the pillow tightly against her. "Like Corinne isn't bad enough to deal with every day. I don't think I can handle anymore ex-girlfriends or dead girlfriends or... Whatever belonged to Howie in the past..."
"The only bad one that never left Howie's life was Corinne. Why do you think you have to compete with that trash? He only wants you, I still don't understand--"
"She fawns over him everyday and makes my life Hell. What do you expect?"
"Gracie," Brian sighed sympathetically.
"I hate her."
"Then why don't you tell Tima what's going on? You know she would kick Corinne off the troupe without a second thought--"
"And have her sue you all? No thanks."
"But she's hurting you, Gracie. We're afraid that something serious is going to happen to you. Between Corinne and Nick, you honestly don't stand a chance. You're like my little sister and Kevin's little sister... We can't stand the thought of something happening to you. Maybe breaking your neck instead of your ankle next time..."
"And Kitra squeals yet again," Grace groaned, tossing the pillow onto Brian's lap to shift so she could rest her head in his lap. She then grabbed his hand, motioning for him to gently pat her back. "Just be a big brother and adore my cuteness instead of worrying."
"Worrying comes into the big brother territory," Brian sighed, rubbing her back as he looked out the bus window. Rain beat loudly against the glass as lightning streaked the sky.
"I survived just fine for twenty one years before I met all of you."
"Now you can survive and be cared for at the same time."
"Don't be mad at me, Bri-Bear."
"I'm not mad."
"Honestly?"
"Honestly."
"Then what'd I do?"
"What do you mean?"
"You look so lost..."
"I just wish I could help you more, I guess."
"You are helping."
"I am?"
"Yeah, you give the best back rubs in the world," Grace answered with an adorably silly smie.
"You're too cute sometimes, you know that?" Brian groaned playfully, leaning down to kiss her cheek.
"You still love me."
"I'll have to agree with you... and so does Howie."
Kitra had to laugh as she sat in a small booth in the corner of McDonalds, watching Brian and Grace goof around with some silly hand game. Both were laughing hysterically as it continued, faster and faster, until finally Brian grabbed her into his arms and started to tickle her. The light giggles exploding from her best friend was charming to say the least. And Kitra was thankful that Grace was so happy. It had been so long since she had seen such a true smile on the girl's face, though after so many years of friendship she didn't know all the truths to the tale. She just remembered finding a trembling, wild, bloody seventeen year old wandering aimlessly through the dark alleys. It was hard to say the least, however, because she wasn't the one making Grace smile. The girl had such an easy time making friends, yet there Kitra was, an outsider as AJ disappeared. She may have told him earlier that she didn't care about the others liking her, but it still hurt.
The only exception was Howie, who had brought her in without a second thought about her past. But he belonged to Grace just like Brian, and he talked to Kitra less and less as the tour neared and started. Nick was freaky even for her and Kevin had said maybe two words to her. She sighed heavily, just watching her best friend for a moment while chewing on her thumbnail.
Nonetheless, Grace seemed oblivious to Kitra's sadness as Brian evoked all of her attention. Playfully scooping her up, he dumped her onto Howie's table to elicit a heavy tickle torture. Her giggles turned into sharp squeals of laughter, even causing Kevin to chuckle as he passed Kitra to fill his drink again. "She's too damn cute."
"Can’t help but love her, huh?" Kitra spoke towards him, desperate for some kind of conversation, connection or response... anything to let her know that she was still visible.
"Huh?" Kevin deadpanned for a moment, glancing down to the source of the voice. Only, when he met Kitra's longing gaze, he straightened into an uncomfortable posture. Obviously, he wasn't exactly thrilled with Kitra. After all the trouble AJ had caused by himself, Kevin was positive that he didn't need any help from a sexy bombshell.
"I said, can't help but love her. Sorry, I was just trying to talk to someone--"
"Your little boy-toy just not enough anymore?"
"Excuse me?" Kitra felt herself shrink back from the harsh tone in Kevin's voice.
"I said, your little boy-toy just not enough anymore?" he mimicked Kitra.
"I've been nothing but nice to all of you, where do you get off treating me like the plague?"
"Don't call in a pity party," Kevin groaned. "I'm thankful that you did all the costumes. They're absolutely fantastic, but don't think I can accept what you're about. AJ was hard enough to deal with without you here. But knowing that someone can follow his destructive behaviors and wrap him around in some sexual fantasy is disgusting to the rest of us. I can tolerate you to a point, but don't expect to be my friend. Not with what you're about and what you're trying to achieve."
"And what am I about, Kevin? What am I trying to achieve? Please let me in on this secret, because I'm too far 'below you' to understand."
"You know damn well--"
"Obviously I don't know if I'm asking you."
"He's nothing but an expensive trick to you, possibly a rich father since he obviously doesn't like to wear condoms and you do nothing to stop that, do you? Doesn't he have enough problems on his back without adding some money hungry former prostitute with a lust for money onto it? Huh?" Kevin growled with obvious discomfort, wanting to hide his opinions. He knew that disagreeing about Kitra would only push AJ harder to misbehave.
"Money hungry former prostitute with a lust for money... so that's what you all think of me. I did it to fucking survive while you live in a huge lavish house. You never have to worry about paying the bills on time. Or how you're going to get food so you don't starve. Compared to me, your life has been served on a fucking silver platter--"
"Don't even compare yourself to me. I'm not a street whore with an expensive drug addiction who leeches off celebrities--"
"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Why should I even care about being friends with any of you when I get treated like this?" Kitra stood up and ran out of McDonald's towards the bus she shared with AJ. Tears brimmed and finally fell as she began slamming her fists into the hard metal of the bus. She felt so foolish for thinking any of those men AJ called brothers would want to be friends with her.
What did it honestly matter anyway? She didn't come to make friends, having AJ and Grace in her life were enough. And, since she had her fixes stored away in her purse, she could make herself forget the heartache. Like she was going to do now.
Howie had to admit he was excited when the break for dinner ended and Grace hopped onto his bus to spend the rest of the trip toward their destination. Watching her at dinner with Brian had made him lonely and anxious to take her attention all for himself. The beginning of the tour had been actual heartache, just sitting on his tour bus thinking about her. Not a minute passed when she wasn't in his mind. So, he could hardly contain himself as he hopped in the expensive bathroom for a quick shower before bed. Furiously rubbing the droplets of water away from his dark curls, he made his way out to the living room and kitchen area of his lavish bus. Turning slightly, he found his angel curled on the couch underneath the row of tinted windows. The steady drum of rain above her had lulled her into a sweet dream world. She couldn't have looked more perfect in Howie's eyes.
Like he always did when he saw her, he thanked God for bringing Grace into his life. The happiness outweighed the drama and he wouldn't have it any other way. The love in his heart for her was so abundant that sometimes he thought it would burst. If only she would start believing in love...
Sighing softly with a smile adorning his handsome face, Howie walked over to the couch and sat down next to Grace.
Gingerly, he reached out to rub the length of her back, hoping to stir her from the sleep so he might take her back to the beautiful bedroom. The first concert was tomorrow evening, so she would need a comfortably peaceful sleep that evening. Besides, he was anxious just to curl up closely to her underneath the blankets, kissing and caressing her softly. Only, when he reached to touch her, she shifted and nestled her head into his lap. She released the softest sigh of contentment, curling closely to Howie's body. He felt blood release and rush throughout his system, causing him to flush.
"...Gracie..."
"I'm awake," she sleepily promised.
"Gracie... come on, Sweetheart, it's time to go to bed."
Lazily, Grace turned onto her back so she could stare up at Howie. She rubbed her eyes in order to clear away the sleepiness. She then released a soft yawn as she folded her arms against her bare abdomen. She had to smile as she drowned into the sweetness of his dark eyes. She hadn't exactly meant to doze off. He had promised to take a five minute shower, which ended up being longer than anticipated. And the softness of the rain had lulled her naturally. "I was in bed. You woke me up."
"I'm not going to let you sleep on the couch the night before our first concert. You need sleep in a real bed," Howie smiled back, leaning down to kiss her softly. "Come on."
"I'm okay with the couch," Grace promised, brushing her fingertips lightly against his face when he bent down to kiss her. "You're the one doing all the singing and dancing tomorrow and the bed is probably too small for two--"
"You saw the bed. There's more than enough room for us," Howie interrupted. He wasn't going to let Grace win this time as he leaned down to lift her into his arms.
"Stranger!"
"What?" he questioned with a devilish smile, craning his neck to capture her lips. He gently brushed his tongue against her bottom lip, causing her to part her lips to accept his beautiful kisses. She kept her arms wrapped around his neck as she leaned up to meet halfway for the kiss, depending it dramatically. Howie had to smile as they continued, walking toward the back of the tour bus as their kisses and nips continued. Kissing her caused no argument to leave her lips, allowing him to easily lay her down on the large bed to continue.
"Howie..." Grace whimpered softly inside his mouth when she felt the softness of the bed beneath her and him climbing on top of her. She felt her heart rate increase dramatically as her body tensed with anticipation. She wanted him so badly and he was making it harder every day.
"Gracie," he whispered, his lips and tongue trailing small circles down her neck and jaw line before coming back to her for a deep kiss.
She wanted to tell him to stop, because his needs and wants were so much different than her own. She had yet to confess that she loved him dearly, so now it was just a mission of lust. But his gentle hands roaming her body and the passionately needy kisses were taking hold of her stronger than she had anticipated. Wanting to push him away, but she continued to pull him closer, nibbling on the bottom of his lip before hardening her kisses. Her body ached for his touches to travel elsewhere, but her mind was practically screaming for her to stop before Howie regretted this. "...Stranger... Please..."
"What's wrong?" he asked softly, looking into her eyes that reminded him of the beautiful ocean.
"You don't want this."
"What?"
"What you're doing right now," she attempted to explain, gulping hard at the lump in her throat as she tried to stabilize her breathing. She carefully pushed him off her body, using all her strength to deny him access to her private areas as she yanked her tank top down from where Howie had bunched it.
"If I didn't want it... why would I start doing it?" he replied in confusion, sitting up on the bed.
"Howie," Grace sighed heavily, quickly fanning flaming body with her tank top. "You want this to be about love, not sex--"
"You still think making love is nonexistent, don't you?"
"I don't know..." Grace frowned, immediately gazing down at her hands. "This is why I didn't want to sleep in the same bed. You get me so charged, Stranger. It's ridiculous. Do you realize how many cold showers I've been taking a day? And I don't want you to wake up tomorrow, look at me, and regret what you did and blame me for it."
"Gracie, you know how much I care about you... I tell you everyday. Nothing that we do would make me regret. I've been dreaming about to for so long, that I couldn't regret it."
"You say that now when we're hot and bothered, but Howie--"
"I say that because I mean it. Nothing can change that."
"I should just sleep on the couch--"
"No. I want you to sleep here."
"Howie--"
"Please."
Grace openly frowned at the desperation in Howie's voice. She had never been in a relationship before, so she didn't realize how complicated things could become. Especially when her emotions were raging and pleading with her to just say those three simple words. But, Howie's persistence to have sex had put her on edge. Just a few days ago he was trembling beneath her as she attempted to deepen their relationship. He asked her to stop and now when she asked him to stop in order to protect him; he was denying the help. It just didn't make sense anymore. "Howie. you're killing me."
"I'm killing you how?"
"You're sending me so many mixed signals, Stranger," Grace attempted to explain carefully, laying down at the head of the bed as she settled a body pillow against her side, almost like a barrier between her and Howie. "Just a few days ago, when I was aching to be with you, you started trembling beneath me. You looked so scared to do anything and you begged me to stop. I had to take a cold shower because I wanted you so badly. Now we're here and you're advancing everything so fast when the conditions you want us to have sex under aren't met. You tell me all the time that you want it to be making love, but I haven't told you that I love you. Nothing between us suggests that it's love... I'm trying to help you and stop you from making a mistake that you'll regret and you keep pushing against me. It's so damn hard, Howie, because I don't know what you want. And it's like you're toying with me and I'm under enough pressure... If you heard about the stupid joke with Nick and this is why you're trying so hard... I just don't know, okay? You're mixing signals..."
"The mixed signals doesn't go just one way, Gracie. You send them, too. But you know what? You're right, I am pushing things... I just get so into kissing you and everything else that I don't think of nothing more than you. You don't understand love and I've been trying to help you see what it is, but you choose not to see it," Howie sighed softly, running a hand through his still damp curls. "I haven't had anyone reciprocate any of my affections like you."
"I'm sorry, Howie," she answered honestly, burying her face within the body pillow. She knew it probably had to be ten times harder for Howie than herself. It wasn't fair to him, especially when he was finally willing to pull her into sexual frenzy. She just didn't know what to do anymore, considering the fact that she loved him yet he had yet to say those words to her anyway. She just didn't want to make a fool of herself.
"What are you sorry about?"
"Everything, for even putting you through this mess to begin with. You've had such a hard time with previous relationships and now you think this one is going to be different. Then I can't help but think I'm just like Corinne when she r--" Grace's blew a hard groan into the pillow when she realized her confession, immediately rolling off the bed. Howie always made her feel so damn foolish. That's why she could never voice her feelings.
"So you know what Corinne did to me," Howie spoke softly, leaning over the edge of the bed to glance down at Grace laying on the floor.
"Kind of..." Grace trailed, unable to even meet his gaze because of her own shame. "...I was upset that Corinne just constantly fawns of you and dances with you on the tour... I said something to Kitra and she said AJ told her..."
"It's okay--"
"How is it possibly okay?" Grace interrupted, sitting up as she released a sharp sigh filled with disgust at herself. She boosted herself into a standing position and immediately hunched over her backpack to retrieve something, anything to keep her busy enough to avoid what she assumed were Howie's painfully dark eyes. All her life she had been told to watch her mouth, yet it still got her into trouble. "I shouldn't have said a damn thing. It's your business, not mine. Hell, I have a hard enough time controlling my emotions in our relationship - whatever that may be - let alone pass gossip around like some flighty bitch--"
"Okay, you can stop the rambling now," Howie interrupted with a deep frown, just watching Grace practically ignore him as she searched for something. "You're not a flighty bitch and sooner or later you were going to find out what Corinne did. It doesn't make you like her at all, Gracie. I wouldn't have fallen for you if that was true."
"You fell for her, too," Grace mumbled, hitting the bottom of her backpack with no means of an escape.
"And you fell for her, too, remember?" Grace mumbled, hitting the bottom of her backpack with no means of an escape. Everything she had been fighting inside was finally starting to bubble to the surface of her pained heart. She loved Howie so deeply, yet couldn't voice the words. Only, she sought to fight with him and make herself unwanted. After all, he hadn't said he loved her anyway. She was just another mistake in his path of horrible relationships.
"No, I didn't fall in love with her. I lied myself into thinking I was when all along... I wasn't. I didn't feel any of the connections like I do with you," Howie got to his feet and stood behind Grace.
Grace exhaled a painful breath, oblivious to Howie's movements as she stared blankly into her cluttered bag. "Why didn't you just tell me in the first place? I wouldn't have tried to..."
"It isn't something I like to talk about. I thought you wouldn't want to be with me if--"
"She really did it, then?"
"Yeah... she did... should have seen the look on the policeman's face when I told him what happened. Laughed right in my face and said that I made the whole thing up. That's why Corinne isn't in jail..."
"Howie--" Grace turned suddenly from her bag, not expecting Howie to be directly behind her. She yelped slightly in surprise, falling backward on the couch. She didn't know what she was planning to do when she turned around, but to find him so close. She didn't know what to say as their eyes locked, Howie's pain practically embedding into her heart.
"I was scared you wouldn't see me as a man if I told you I was raped," Howie spoke softly, never breaking contact with their eyes.
"God, Howie..."
"I'm sorry--"
"Why are you sorry?"
"Shouldn't I be? A man getting raped is--"
"Howie, no--"
"I'm not a man. She took that from me... I just thought by some miracle you could help me get it back. I don't know."
Grace bit down hard on her bottom lip, honestly speechless with Howie's confession. He was so honest and sincere with her, exposing the rawest of his emotions. Yet she bottled herself into a cold prison, which just seemed to eat her alive most days. She thought about reaching out to touch him, to comfort him in some way, but she didn't know if it was appropriate. He was so calm; it made her nervous.
Howie mistook her silence for hesitation and continued. "But I don't blame you if that's something you don't want--"
"No, Howie, wait--"
"You went silent and I assumed--"
"Assuming always makes an ass out of you and me," Grace interupted in attempts to soften the mood, but Howie was too somber for that. She immediately blushed with embarrassment, dropping her gaze to her hands as she listened to the rain continue to beat against the large tour bus. "I didn't know what to say... Or what you wanted me to do..."
"I wanted to know what you thought about it all... do you think less of me? Does it embarrass you?" Howie asked softly.
Grace shook her head as her strawberry blonde curls toppled over her delicate shoulders as she blinked away a heavy set of tears. "I can't think less of you, Howie. I never could. And to think you're not a man because you were... I'm just so upset that I didn't realize when I... All the times I tried to push you into..."
"You weren't pushing me, Gracie. It's something I want more than anything, but I'm honestly scared of disappointing you during it all... I may be called the Latin Lover but the confidence was gone a long time ago," Howie admitted, now taking his turn to chew on his bottom lip.
"Which means you're assuming I'm some bombshell of a high paid prostitute?"
"What? No, I don't think that. I was just saying that I don't want to disappoint you."
"You're not going to disappoint me--"
"I didn't know at the time. I just want it all to be perfect..."
"You're a traditional romantic, Howie..."
"I was raised that way."
Grace exhaled a slow breath, continuing to study her hands. She didn’t want to poke and prod. He had done so much for her and she wanted to confess her deepest thoughts to him. About how he was perfect in her eyes. That he could never disappoint her, because she loved him indefinitely. "This conversation seems to be a mute point, though, because we haven't fulfilled your obligations..."
"Fulfilled my obligations? What do you mean?" Howie raised an eyebrow in confusion.
Grace knew she could confess the entirety of her feelings at that very moment. She could muster the strength to say with conviction that she loved him. That the new feelings were the most powerful feelings she had ever felt for one person before. But, when her green eyes glanced upward to catch Howie's dark eyes, she folded and she whispered.
"It'd just be sex."
"Gracie--"
"I'm so sorry, Howie..."
"Now what are you apologizing for?"
Grace attempted to stand and move past him. "For making you talk about this and--"
"I needed to talk about it," Howie moved to block her.
Grace furled her light brows in obvious frustration when she attempted to leave several times and he continued to stand in front of her. Finally, she just attempted to step forward, managing just to collide into his body. And, it took only a moment for her arms to weave around his neck as she buried her face into the crook of his neck. "I hate her so damn much!"
"I know Baby, I know. You're not the only one who hates her," Howie whispered into her hair as he held her close.
"I am so sorry for what she did to you. For hurting you so badly. I wish I could take that feeling away for you, because I know how much it really hurts... I'm just so sorry, Stranger--"
"It's not your fault, Gracie. There's nothing we can do to change what happened," Howie glanced down at the angel in his arms and thought for a moment. "You know how much it hurts?"
"Yes..." she trailed, wincing slightly as Howie pulled her to arm's length to study her.
"What are you saying? What happened?"
"You know about Evan--"
"Was it just Evan?"
Grace blanked, not really knowing what to say. Her past was tainted with rapists. That much was apparent. But it solely started with one person that she couldn't bear to whisper his name without breaking into hysterics. Moistening her lips, she meekly shrugged her shoulders as she dropped her gaze like a scolded child. "I just want to talk about you..."
"Gracie--"
"You've got a huge concert tomorrow, Stranger... Why don't you let me give you a massage so you can sleep?"
"Are you sure there's nothing else you want to tell me?"
Grace apprehensively rubbed her bare shoulder as Howie slowly released his grip on her. She just studied him for a moment, noticing her reflection in his dark irises. She seemed so empty when she studied herself within him and it hurt. But she couldn't confess that, instead, she attempted to offer him hope. Cupping his face within her hands, she attempted a brave smile, "You're my everything, Stranger. Okay?"
"I am?"
"Of course you are. I wouldn't have it any other way," she leaned up and kissed him gently.
"Gracie..."
"I mean it with all my heart," she promised softly, folding his hand over her heart as she kissed him again. Just wanting him to know how much she cared about him. To let him know that it didn't matter what Corinne did. She wanted him and only him.
"You mean so much to me..."
"And you mean even more to me."
