There were times when I’d pick up the phone in my hotel room in yet another city and hear her voice on the other end. I’d find ways to be with her that I never would’ve expected of myself. Sneaking past the guys, management, security, even the crazy fans was worth the reward when I’d find her. When I was with her, all of my inhibitions, my misgivings, and hesitations would fly out the window. We made love on the back of a bus full of people in the middle of Chicago, and the memory is forever imprinted in my mind.
I started to believe that she was the one for me and that we were in love. The way I felt around her, there was no other explanation. Or so I thought.
She knew when I started to have those thoughts, and, to dispel them, she’d twist my emotions cruelly. I’d arrive at whatever address she’d told me to meet her at, and she’d be with another man. Another man that she’d obviously just had sex with. After he’d leave, I would scream and shout accusations at her. I threw things and broke objects. Through it all, she’d simply lay in her bed, still warm from her previous lover, and smile, amused, as though I were a toy that had run amok. When my tirade ended, she’d just crook a finger, and I was hers. I’d forget it all and just be with her.
When I look back on my actions with her, I still cannot believe the way I was. It was so unlike me, and, yet, it was as though she’d tapped into the desperate, senseless part of me that even I hadn’t known existed. She knew me better than I knew myself.
And, yet, I didn’t know her at all.
When I had to have surgery, I stayed at a hotel near the Mayo clinic with Leighanne and my family. The day before I was to be admitted for surgery, my mother and Leighanne fussed around me, wanting to make sure I was comfortable, that I was resting. If I so much as sneezed, the two of them panicked. By that night, I was frustrated by the whole situation, and my dad and brother weren’t so helpful. So I walked out. I told them I needed air, and, when Leighanne tried to come with me, I shut her down. I’m sorry I did it, but I just needed to be away. To breathe.
I walked out of the hotel, and there she was. She must have seen the tabloids that were reporting the story of my surgery, but she never offered explanations. She just leaned against a car and grinned when she saw me.
Cocking her thumb in the direction of the car, she asked if I wanted to take a ride. I was by her side instantly, and we left the hotel behind.
She asked if I was afraid of my surgery, if I was afraid that I would die. When I told her I was, she just shook her head and laughed that low, throaty laugh of hers that made desire invade every last one of my senses.
“Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed for anybody. You could die in surgery tomorrow, or, next year, a bus could hit you. Tomorrow is never a sure thing. There’s no point in being afraid.”
I was too weak to stay with her that night or I would have. Her attitude about life, so different from my own, was intoxicating, freeing. She was like a drug I needed to have, and I was always in a state of withdrawal when she wasn’t around.
She disappeared after my surgery. I kept waiting for her to call and ignored Leighanne in the process. I sensed Leigh’s hurt and often wondered why she was still with me. She would tell me she loved me, and I knew she did. When I repeated the words to her, it was because I felt obligated to. I never wanted to hurt her, but every time I ran off, I did.
As the months passed and there was no word from my illicit beauty, I became more and more cranky with everyone. I snapped more often, I avoided social gatherings, and I hated spending time with any of my friends. Nick was hurt often during those months because he was the closest at hand and most likely to incur my wrath. I have to admit that, during that time in my life, the only thing I regretted is the way I hurt those who loved me and had the best intentions for me.
Nearly a year passed before I started to crawl out of the funk I was in. It was almost two months after my twenty fourth birthday that I woke up and realized that I had been such a moron. I had everything that I could possibly want out of life, and I was letting one woman mess it all up? It wasn’t gonna happen, I decided.
Millenium was a rip-roaring success and touring for it was more of the incredible. I loved every minute of everything we did, and I was the Brian that everyone had missed for so long. Leighanne and I rediscovered our relationship and became nearly inseparable. She really was everything that I’d dreamt of when I was a child. I had my fabulous career, great friends, wonderful family supporting me, and a beautiful woman by my side.
Gradually, thoughts of her quit haunting my dreams and all my free moments. I felt liberated.
She appeared the day before my wedding. I had stopped by the church Leigh and I were to be married in, and I saw her when I stepped back into the parking lot. She looked the same, smelled the same, and, as I quickly discovered, tasted the same.
I was to spend the night before the wedding in a hotel while Leigh stayed in our home. What I hadn’t planned on was spending that night with a companion.
We lay in bed that night, her head resting comfortably on my shoulder. I knew it was wrong, knew it from the minute I had kissed her in the parking lot. And I knew that it still felt too good to be completely wrong. Or maybe I had hoped to use that as an excuse for my conscience and God.
“So you’re getting married.”
Her voice was matter-of-fact, and I secretly hoped that she was jealous. I should’ve known better than to think she was jealous. She was never jealous. Never thought to be because she never felt anything for any of the men she wrapped around her finger. Including me. The night before my wedding, I fell asleep, my body tangled up with hers.
The next morning, she was gone, and I married Leighanne. Not a single guilty thought penetrated my mind as I vowed myself to love, honor, and cherish Leigh.
There wasn’t a month that passed during the first two years of my marriage that I didn’t see her. Leighanne knew every time, too. Like I said, she never uttered a single accusation, but I saw her face every time I came home and fed her bullshit excuses. For whatever reason, though, I couldn’t stop myself from feeding my addiction, and I continued to cause Leigh pain.
When Leighanne and I found out that Baylee was on the way, we couldn’t have been more thrilled. Our little boy would complete our picture-perfect family, and I think Leighanne hoped that, with our son’s arrival, I would quit seeking out my temptress.
She was wrong.
The night of Baylee’s birth, after Leighanne had fallen asleep and Baylee had been taken back to the nursery, I dried my joyous tears and called her. I poured all my happiness into our intimate celebration that night before I went back to the hospital in the morning. Being with her was another sort of joy for me.
But it wasn’t long before it all turned dark and black.
