It was the call that everybody on the team hated. The E.M.T’s were on their way with a two week old who was in full cardiac arrest, they had no idea of the actual down time but the Father had told them that he had found her when she hadn’t woken for her four o’clock feed. The final thing the E.M.T had handed over was that the baby had been very cold on their arrival.

It was more then likely a SIDS case, a cot death, a case they would call after only working on the child for a few minutes because if they were cold it meant they had been gone for a few hours and nothing they tried was going to get them back. Adie had seen many children die, but to have to stop working on a baby was one of the hardest things and what made it even harder was that she knew there would be no reason she or the Doctor would be able to give the parents for the cause of loosing their child.

Adie replaced the radio and pushed back from the chair as she stood, placing her hand to her stomach protectively, as though what was coming in was contagious. She sighed as walked to one of the exam rooms where the Attending was sleeping because there was no way the Resident was going to be able to cope with this, she didn’t even know if she could but unfortunately for her she didn’t have a choice. They only scheduled one paediatric nurse on the night shift and tonight it was her.

“James?” She asked as she turned on the light, making the doctor moan. “You need to get up, we’ve got a two week old in full cardiac arrest about to pull up.”

“Oh shit…I’ll be right there,” he replied hoarsely, sleep still evident in his voice.

Adie closed the door and walked to one of the resuscitation rooms, she quickly gowned up, pulled some gloves onto her hands, and gathered the necessary equipment, taking deep breath in when she heard the familiar rushing of a gurney. The door burst open and she released the breath as she quickly took over managing the airway, pushing small breathes into the lifeless body as the Attending transferred the infant onto the warmer. Once the baby as hooked up to their monitors it was clear that the earlier information had been correct, the flat line indicated asystole, there was no electrical activity, their tiny heart was completely still. Adie looked to James, both of them clearly thinking the same thing, it was futile. She has been gone for a while.

“Parents?” He whispered.

“Just Dad,” he said quietly nodding his head towards the door and when Adie looked up she couldn’t catch her breath, the ambu-bag falling from her grip when she saw him.

“You said she’d be okay, you told me before you left that she was okay, you said she was fine, I trusted you!” He accused pointing his finger at her.

Adie looked from him to the baby, her hand travelling to her stomach only to find it completely flat, empty. She watched helplessly as James shook his head and switched off the monitor.

“Time of death oh four thirty five,” he solemnly said.

“No. No James. You have to keep going,” she protested picking up the ambu- bag again and placing it to the babies face forcing futile breaths into it’s lungs.

“I trusted you!”

“Nick…I…,” She stammered, her heart now pounding in her chest, as tears fell freely. She knew this wasn’t right, ten minutes ago her bump had been there, her baby had been safely nestled inside of her and now, apparently the infant who had just been pronounced dead was hers. It just didn’t make sense.

“You said she was okay, you promised me she was okay and then you left. I trusted you!”

“Nick,” She sobbed.

“I trusted you Adie!” He yelled making his way towards her grabbing her by the shoulders, shaking her slightly with every word he said. “I trusted you Adie.”

“I’m sorry Nick.”

“I trusted you Adie!” He yelled shaking her again.

She closed her eyes to try and hold back the sobbing but it didn’t stop him from calling her name, from trying to get her attention and she didn’t know how much longer she would be able to apologise for, he wasn’t the only one who had lost her, she had too.

She was going to tell him that but when she opened her eyes she realised that he wasn’t opposite her, he wasn’t level with her, he was above her, his hand tenderly stroking her face, the look on his face one of concern instead of the anger it had previously exhibited. She quickly turned her head to the side and looked around, realising quickly that she was no longer in a resus room but her own bedroom and when she felt the strong kick from within side of her she realised it had all been some awful dream.

“You okay?” Nick asked giving her hand a squeeze.

“Fine,” she mumbled, closing her eyes as she fought back the tears.

“That was some dream you were having,” he told her softly, having to move to the side of her when she made a move to get up and out of the bed after she had spied that the clock read 05:59.

“Yeah,” she agreed, hitting the off button when the clock began to alarm.

“Are we going to talk about them?” He asked making sure to increase the volume of his voice when he spoke the last word, and that was when Adie realised she hadn’t been as quiet as she thought she had with the previous dreams. She closed her eyes, her back to him, she couldn’t deal with this now, she was barely awake and had to be at work in an hour, so she continued on into the bathroom.

She stood under the hot spray and tried to wash away the feelings of uneasiness inside of her, the panic that had risen in her chest when she thought the dead infant was her own, the hurt she had felt when Nick had looked at her with such hatred in his eyes. Yes it had just been a dream, and yes she prayed every night that nothing like that would ever happen to her baby, to her family that was just beginning, but one thing she knew she couldn’t change was Nick’s lack of trust. It had always been an issue for as long as she had known him and it had angered her before because she had always been there for him but now it scared her because after what she did, if he had done it to her she didn’t know if she would ever be able to trust him again. She shook the thoughts from her head as she rinsed the soap from her body and turned off the shower.

She wasn’t surprised when she spotted Nick leaning against the door, his deep stare enough to make her head drop to the floor as she tried to move past him. She knew he wouldn’t let her and her heart began to beat faster when his hand took a light grip at the top of her arm, his other hand cupping her chin, forcing her to look at him. His eyes still showed a hint of sleepiness to them but they were also full of concern.

“What happened?” he asked softly.

“Nothing. It was just a dream it doesn’t matter,” she tried unsuccessfully.

“When you’re having them nightly it does matter.”

“It was a stupid dream, I’m fine,” she told him, managing to pull her arm free as she stalked past him and into the bedroom. She knew he would follow her but Adie was surprised that he didn’t loose his temper with her, that he actually kept completely quiet and watched her dress from the seat he took on the edge of the bed. She pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a tank top, the only comfortable things she knew she would want after her shift had ended and threw her bag over her shoulder as she made her way towards the door. She stopped when he grabbed her hand though.

“Call in sick,” he told her.

“I can’t,” she sighed, trying to pull herself free from him but Nick just held on tighter.

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” he reminded.

“I know,” she said sadly.

“I was there wasn’t I?” he asked confusing her slightly.

“What?”

“In the dream? I was there.”

She nodded, “Yeah.”

“Tell me about it,” he pleaded.

“It was a stupid dream and I’m fine,” she tried again.

He still didn’t buy it. “You’ve been having them every night, and you’re obviously not fine because you’re still shaking from it,” he told her his hand lifting her trembling one to her eye level. She had hoped he had missed that, had hoped that it was just her insides trembling and not the outsides.

She pulled her hand from his quickly, “I’m just cold.”

He shook his head, his eyes narrowing before he held his own hands up in defeat, “Fine. Just go.”

“Nick-” She tried.

“No you obviously don’t want to talk to me about it so just go to work,” he said as he turned and walked into the bathroom, the bang of the door being shut making her jump.

She stared at the closed door for a few moments before she made her way towards the stairs. She angrily wiped the tears away when she finally sat down in the car and even toyed with going back inside to talk to him. He wouldn’t understand though and it would only end up with another argument, he was leaving tomorrow, she didn’t want to part on bad terms, by the time she would get home later, he would have forgotten about it. That way they would be able to spend their last night together happy. She got to the end of the driveway an indicated left but at the last moment she turned right, knowing that there was no way she was going to be able to concentrate at work.

***

Nick knew that if he didn’t walk away he would end up exploding at her, as much as he wanted to he knew it wouldn’t solve anything, in actual fact it would do just the opposite because it would push her further away. That was why he had walked into the bathroom without so much as a second glance when she had called his name. He sat on the edge of the tub and counted to ten and when he heard the front door slam shut he made his way back into the bedroom and watched her leave from the window. Wondering if work had just been an excuse when he watched her drive off in the opposite direction.

He had a feeling that the dreams were about him, she had been having them ever since she had returned. He had let them go at first, putting it down to the stress that had been caused from their separation, then from the emotions that had been released from therapy but last night? Last nights had been by far the worst she had had. She had been near on sobbing, her breath coming out ragged as she had chanted over and over again “I’m sorry Nick.”

It had sent chills up his spine because all he could imagine was her leaving again, her apology being for that. He looked over at the suitcases that he had packed last night and for the first time in his life he found himself not wanting to get back out on the road. All he wanted to do was stay with Adie forever but it wasn’t for the right reasons, it wasn’t because he loved her so much that he couldn’t bare to be parted from her, no, it was because he didn’t trust her enough to still be around when he returned in four weeks. If he stayed he could prevent that from happening or she would at least have to deal with him face to face if she wanted to leave again. He wouldn’t be subjected to the awful feeling of being abandoned yet again in his life.

He looked over at the rumbled bed but knew trying to get back to sleep now wouldn’t be easy because all he would be able to think about would be Adie. He spied the phone on his bed side table and sighed heavily he hated doubting her but he had to know because if she had been lying to him about having to go to work today he wouldn’t hold out much hope of her being there to greet him when he returned from the tour, at least this was he wouldn’t be surprised when she didn’t.

The phone rang but was hastily answered after about ten seconds.

“ER.”

“Er…Is Adie there?” He asked, not recognising the voice on the other end of the line.

“Patient?” The women asked quickly.

“No Nurse. Adrianna Jones,” he corrected.

“Oh Adrianna? She called in sick about five minutes ago, can I take a message?”

He found himself smiling as he replied, “No I’ll catch her later, Thanks.”

***

This smell reminded her of her childhood so much. It was musty, oily she could almost feel the tiny splints of wood that her father had sanded travelling up her nose. He hadn’t used the sander in over six months but it was a smell, a feeling she knew she would never forget and she hoped that her own daughter would feel like this in years to come. It might not be from sitting in an over crowded garage watching Nick fix up an old Mustang, it would more then likely be from sitting in a recording studio watching him work his magic and create music but she still hoped it would become her place to go if she ever had a problem.

She had known as soon as she had woken that she would not have been of any use at work, she had planned on calling in sick so she could spend the last full twenty four hours with Nick anyway but the dream had put an end to that. She couldn’t stay in the house with him knowing that all he would want would be to talk about it. Yes she didn’t need to talk about it but with him? She didn’t know how to broach the subject, not when he was so close to leaving anyway and so she found herself in the place where she had always found the most comfort, her parents home, talking to the guy who she knew would offer her the best advice.

Adie had always been closer to her Father then her Mother. He was a little more laid back about things, would let her get away with more, whereas her Mom was a lot like she was, very driven, goal orientated wouldn’t settle for less, they had clashed a lot during her teenage years and again she could see the same thing happening with her own child. Then she thought about what Nick had said during therapy.

If he could never trust her again, would their daughter have to choose? Would she grow up in a house hold as volatile as what he had done? Would she end up in therapy like the pair of them had? Would their daughter hate her as much as Nick seemed to detest his own Mother?

“Should I just end it now?” She asked the pair of legs that were sticking out from underneath the car. That was enough to make her Dad stop what he was doing and move out so he could see her. He stood so that he was level with his daughter who was currently sat on his work bench.

“Quit while you’re ahead?” He asked as he wiped the oil off his hands with a dirty rag.

“It’s not quitting,” Adie protested.

“You’ve just told me he doesn’t trust you and I’m sorry honey but what more can you expect? You left him, you let him come home to an empty house, to a note. I know you were unhappy but there were other ways to go about leaving him.”

“You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I hate myself for what I did to him? I was coward, I knew I couldn’t do it face to face because I knew he would talk me out of it,” she told him.

“Well to me it almost sounds as if you never wanted to leave in the first place. If he could talk you of it…if you have ever wanted to do something one hundred per cent Adie no one could ever talk you out of it you’re too much like your Mother in that respect,” he said with a roll of his eyes making her laugh a little.

“I just don’t know what to do Dad, I don’t see how this relationship can work without trust and I don’t want my baby to grow up in a hostile environment like he did. If…doing this now…she won’t know any different,” she said the hurt evident in her voice.

“You can’t make this decision based upon your child. If you want to do this, if you want to leave him it has to be because you don’t love him, and I really don’t think that’s true. So do you love him?” He asked.

She had to look away from her Fathers eyes and as she wiped her tears away chuckling when she said “I love him so much that I don’t care when he farts against my leg in the mornings when we’re in bed.”

“Then there is your answer honey, a slightly disturbing one, but it’s your answer. You just have to work at gaining his trust back,” he advised her.

“How?” She asked.

“By being honest with me, by talking to me.”

Adie quickly looked to the door that lead to the house and sure enough he was stood there, his hands in his jeans pockets. She could feel the blush creeping into her cheeks at being caught.

“How long have you been there?” She asked.

“Long enough,” he told her, smiling at Stuart.

“You called him didn’t you?” She said looking to her Father who was just about to answer when Nick spoke up.

“No he didn’t and neither did your Mom.”

“Then how…you called work didn’t you? You were checking up on me,” she said finally realising it was the only way he could have known she wasn’t at work.

“Honestly? Yeah I did. Now I’ve been honest with you, it’s your turn, come on, lets go and talk,” he told her holding out his hand to her.

***

It was only nine am but the heat from the sun was already warm and Nick knew that by midday Adie would have to seek not only the shade that the house had to offer but also the air conditioning, the extra heat from the ever growing bump in front of her too much to handle with the heat of summer. That was why he had to do this now, while it was still cool enough outside. He kept hold of her hand as he took her to the large willow tree that was situated at the end of her parents back yard.

He hadn’t heard as much of her conversation with Stuart as he had led her to believe but what he had heard had been enough. He knew, like her, that trust between the two of them was an issue, she didn’t think it could work between them if he didn’t trust her but right now he just couldn’t do that. He needed to make her understand why.

Nick let go of her hand and sat against the large trunk of the tree, signalling for her to sit between his legs and lean back against him. She did just that, her hands coming to rest upon his when he placed them on her rounded stomach.

“Tell me about the dream. Is it the same one?” he asked softly.

“It was until last night,” she whispered.

“What was the other one about?”

“You taking the baby leaving me,” she said quickly. She closed her eyes and could see it as clear as day in front of her, she knew exactly what would happening next, down to what he was wearing, what he would say, how he would look when the door shut.

“How did it make you feel?” he asked.

“The dream?” She clarified.

“Yeah.”

“I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I felt like my world was collapsing in around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I would wake up with my heart pounding in my chest, feeling sick to my stomach until I would look over and find you in the bed with me,” she told him.

He shifted at her words until she took the hint and moved so she was sat beside him, he needed to make her understand, needed to make her see how much pain she had caused him and he couldn’t do that if she was nestled safely in his arms. He needed to break away from her for this, he needed to be cruel to be make her understand and his face must have reflected that because he could already see the tears in her eyes. He wouldn’t stop though, he wouldn’t cave because this was making her feel uncomfortable and so he set his jaw and could feel the frown that consumed his whole face when he spoke his next words..

“Close your eyes,” he told her and even though he knew she didn’t want to she did. “Now instead of looking over and seeing me lying next to you I want you to imagine what it would be like to walk into the bathroom and see all my stuff gone, to walk into the closet and find my half empty of all my clothes. How does that make you feel?” he asked harshly.

He didn’t miss the tears that spilt from her closed eyes, “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to hear sorry Adrianna,” again he didn’t miss the wince when he called her by her full name, “I want to hear how seeing an empty closet, an empty bathroom, knowing that I walked away without an explanation makes you feel.”

She took a shaky breath, all the while keeping her eyes closed as she told him what he wanted to hear, “Like you never gave a shit about me, like I’m worthless. It makes me feel empty and alone and…and…” she couldn’t carry on when the sobs racked her body. Nick hesitated for a few seconds before his heart overruled his head and he wrapped his arms around her.

“Could you trust me after that?” he asked when she calmed down after a few minutes.

“No,” she admitted as she wiped her eyes and looked up to him.

“I’ve never been able to give my trust to people quickly Adie. I’ve had to be guarded to protect myself from getting hurt and I know you don’t really understand that but too many people have hurt me, I’ve let too many people in who have used my emotions against me, used my trust only to throw it all back in my face. You don’t know what it’s like to know people are only hanging out with you, being nice to you because of the amount of money you earn, because of the power they think you have in the industry. People like you Adie because of the person you are, not because of the job you do, it’s not that way with me,” he told her but he ensured his eyes never met hers as she shared this with her.

“I love you for you. I always have. I thought you were a pompous stuck up asshole when I first saw you in the ER, some pretentious brat with too much money. To be completely honest with you, I hate Nick Backstreet but I know I’ve really done damage to Nick Carter, to our relationship and if I could take it back I would,” she told him, grabbing his chin so he would have to look at her tear stained face.

“I know you love me for me but I think I am still having a hard time excepting that because you’re the first person in my life outside the guys, my family and Chris who ever has. But you have hurt me,” He whispered trying to keep his emotions in check.

“I know and I want to make it right, I just don’t know how,” Adie admitted.

“It’s not going to happen over night.”

“I know that, just tell me what to do to make it better,” she asked taking his hand.

“Just be here when I get home.”