That night I called Alex.

“Hello?” He answered on the second ring and just the sound of his voice made my tummy flutter.

I bit my bottom lip, “Hey.”

“Hey!” Warmth filled his tone as he recognized my voice, or checked his caller ID and saw my name. “How are you?”

I was curled into the corner of my couch, legs tucked up under me and Daisy lounging at the floor close by. “I’m okay. How are you? How’s Bernie?”

“He’s managing. Had a doctor’s appointment today and he’s scheduled for surgery next week. They’re going to try to remove all the lumps they can and then we’ll take it from there.”

I gave a pout, feeling that sadness creeping in, “I’m so sorry, Alex.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Well, I know that, but I’m sorry you have to deal with something like this.”

“I know you are. What are you doing on Wednesday?”

I smiled softly, “Sitting with you while Bernie is in surgery.”

“Thank you.” I could hear the gratefulness in his voice.

I was finding myself wanting to cuddle him and hold him close again. “You’re welcome. What time?”

“Um, he’s scheduled to go in at ten.”

“You want me to meet you there?”

“Why don’t you just come on over to my place and we can go together.”

I gave a nod and looked to where my own dog was peacefully sleeping, “I can do that.”

“Thank you.”

I peeked to the phone, “What are you doing tonight?”

“I didn’t have anything planned,” he paused, “do you want to do something?”

I gave a little shrug, Anna’s words still fresh in my mind. “I thought maybe you could come over. Have you eaten yet? I have some of those DiGiorno pizzas.”

He chuckled low, “You’re going to feed me frozen pizzas?”

“They taste like delivery.”

He laughed, “How ‘bout I come cook you something?”

I peeked to the phone, “Cook in my kitchen?”

“Unless you’d rather I cook it in someone else’s kitchen then bring it over.”

I could hear the teasing tone to his voice and chuckled, “I haven’t been to the grocery store yet so the selection is limited, but you’re more than welcome to come cook for me. You made excellent eggs and pancakes the other day.”

“I make even better lasagna or chicken parmesan.”

“How’s spaghetti?”

“That works too.” I could tell he was grinning.

I was smiling myself. “Okay, so … I’ll see you soon?”

“Sure will, babe.”

We bid our goodbyes then I hung up, gave a little sigh then fell back into the sofa. I could do this, have a nice dinner with Alex and then afterward, sit down and tell him about my past. He knew the main points anyway, so what harm could filling in the gaps do?

~*~*~*~*~

After a relaxing, and very tasty, dinner of lasagna, garlic bread and some kind of Greek salad Alex put together, we moved into the living room and sank onto the sofa. Alex had arrived an hour after our phone call. He had Bernie and a bag of groceries with him. Daisy about peed the carpet she got so excited at seeing the other dog and I had to put them both in the backyard so they didn’t knock something over in all their happy doggy galore. Alex had wanted to cook, but I insisted on helping him so together we made up the lasagna and tossed a salad. I probably hadn’t laughed more in three months then I did in the kitchen with him. He had me in stitches over little jokes and I didn’t even mind the cherry tomato food fight that ensued. It was such an easy and light hearted moment and thankfully it continued over the dinner.

Angel food cake and vanilla ice cream awaited us for later, and I was dreading having to be the one to serious up the evening. The more time I spent with this man the more I realized how good I felt during and after. I was starting to feel like my usual self again and I worried that this conversation would deplete that and make everything awkward and uncomfortable.

“Thank you again for dinner,” I smiled warmly at him as we relaxed on opposite sides of the sofa.

He flashed a friendly smile back, “You’ve thanked me about a half dozen times now.”

“I know,” I chuckled low, “and I’ll probably do it a half dozen more before you leave.”

“You’re right,” His head nodded some and I saw him gauging the space between us. “Why are you sitting way over there?”

I arched a brow, “Why are you sitting way over there?”

“Hm…I don’t know. Lemme fix that.” And then he was against me, slipping an arm up behind me and trailing his fingers along my bare arm. “That’s better, don’t you think?”

He smelled like warm spices with just a hint of tobacco. “I do think so.” I relaxed into his side and allowed his warmth to seep into me. “How do you think the dogs are doing?”

Both our eyes locked onto the patio door that I’d left open just enough for them to slip through if need be.

“They look comfy and relaxed out there,” Alex spoke as we watched the two furry friends lounging on the stone together.

I was observing the way Daisy would nuzzle at the Bermese every so often. “I think they’re in love.”

“It sure seems that way.”

“Do you think dogs can feel that?”

“What, love?”

I nodded and he stroked his fingers up, brushing them through my hair.

“Without a doubt.”

I smiled, “I think so too.”

His fingers stroked my hair. “I think they feel a lot of things that we humans feel. They may not think like we do, but I’m certain they can feel emotions.”

“I could tell Daisy was sad about Hugh’s death.”

I think my words caught him off guard. He didn’t respond right away, and though I wasn’t looking at him, I could feel his eyes turning back onto me.

“What would she do?” He finally spoke, his fingers stilling in my hair and resting on my shoulder.

“She’d lie by the front door just waiting for him. Or she’d wander around the house going from room to room looking for him.”

“It’s too bad they can’t understand things like that, isn’t it?”

I peeked a glance to his face and gave a little nod, “It really is. It was hard to see her sad and not knowing where he’d gone or why he wasn’t home.”

“She’s doing better now though, so that’s good.” He gave my shoulder a comforting squeeze.

“Yes.” My gaze returned to the two dogs relaxing outside in the night air with the glow from the patio light reflecting off their bodies.

“And how are you doing?”

My heart was starting to pound a little harder. “Some days are better than others.”

“I can imagine.”

“How do you do it?” I looked up to his face, searching his eyes for any sign of an answer.

“Do what? His brows drew together.

“You said you knew what it felt like to lose everything,” I replied with a simple shrug. “How did you move past that and get on with your life?”

He gave a sigh and his head relaxed back into the couch, his eyes closing for a brief moment. “My situation was nothing like what you’re going through.”

I wet my bottom lip and watched him, “I want to be able to enjoy life again. I want the old Morgan to come back. I want to be happy and not alone anymore.”

His eyes fluttered open and met mine and I felt a chill race down my spine. “You’re never going to be that old Morgan again, baby,” His knuckles brushed my cheek as he spoke, his voice filled with a new tenderness, “but you can get all those things you want, you just have to learn how to let go of what’s holding you back.”

I could feel my eyes growing misty. “And how do I do that?”

“By finding something new to hold on to.”

My heartbeat was pounding in my ears.

His fingers grazed my cheek again and I could just sense the air around us growing thick with that familiar electricity. “You could…try holding on to me…” As he spoke, his head moved slowly closer and closer to mine, his hand cupping my face.

“Hugh was in a car accident,” The words spilled from my mouth in a sudden manner.

Alex jerked some and pulled back, watching with a perplexed expression, “….What?”

I wet my bottom lip and fiddled with the hem of my shirt, “Hugh. He was in a car accident.”

“Oh…”

I could tell I had just thrown him for a loop with that outburst. “I’m sorry… I… I’ve wanted to tell you all night and just didn’t know how to bring it up. That’s not something that can easily be dinner conversation.”

“No, I guess not.” He ran a hand over his face then looked to me again. “Was it the car accident that…caused his death?”

“Yeah,” I whispered the word, my gaze falling to my hands in my lap.

“How’d…it happen? If you want to tell me, that is.”

My eyes lifted and met his and the hesitance and wariness that had set in suddenly dissipated. I wet my bottom lip, “It…had been raining; storming pretty badly, actually.”

He gave a little nod and I continued.

“He was driving back from New York City. He was a sportswriter.”

I paused again as the memories of that night began to replay through my mind like scenes from a movie; the phone call. The police escort to the hospital. The doctor’s face as he greeted me there in the emergency room. I knew the minute I saw that look in his eyes my Hugh was gone. I had fallen apart, dropping to my knees there on the floor and crying out for him. I don’t remember the rest of that night; how I got home, who brought me home, how long I sobbed there on the floor. I just know I woke in my room with the sun glaring me in the face.

“Morgan?” Alex touched my hand and I jerked back, returning to the present. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you to tell me.”

“No,” I shook my head and turned my hand over, taking his into mine, “I want to tell you. I want you to know.”

“Okay,” He nodded and gave my hand a comforting squeeze.

I took a moment to gather my thoughts, “He was supposed to be home by ten. He didn’t normally travel to the city, but he was doing a special assignment for his editor. I didn’t think much of it when he wasn’t back on time…he usually ran late with things and I figured he was caught up in something.”

The way Alex held my hand was giving me the strength I needed to continue. I paused, hesitated, faltered…but that warm hand gripping to mine as if he was keeping me from falling far into nothingness soothed me and spurred me on.

“I got a phone call sometime after midnight; Officer Sterling. He sent a car and they took me to the hospital.” I wet my bottom lip, “Hugh…never even had a chance. A semi jackknifed on the highway from the wet roads; he took a curve too fast.” I let my gaze drop to my lap.

“Oh, geeze…”

“Yeah.”

“Morgan, I’m so sorry.” He kissed the back of my hand then pressed it to his chest. “No one should have to go through something like that.”

“We had been married for just two years. Two years. We wanted to start a family, buy a cute little white house on a corner lot in a safe neighborhood. Take family vacations and spend Saturdays at the beach with our children.”

“Baby, I’m so sorry,” He repeated again, grasping my hand between both of his. “I don’t know what to tell you about why that happened to you or him. I don’t think things like ‘it’ll get better’ or ‘you’ll get through this’ even really matter when you’re feeling or going through something like that.” He seemed to be searching for the right words, “All I can say is that when one door closes…another one opens. You just can’t keep staring at the closed one because then you’ll miss the one that’s opening.”

I gave a little nod then used my free hand to wipe away some stray tears, “I… know. These last few days I’ve realized that I don’t… want to miss that door.”

A tiny smile tugged at his lips, “You won’t…I won’t let you.”

“I didn’t think you would,” I chuckled lowly, already feeling the weight lifting from my shoulders at having told him what had happened with my husband. “You know, ever since I met you my whole life has been thrown off balance.”

The smile grew on his face. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“Is that a good thing?”

“I dunno, I’m still trying to figure it out.”

He laughed and brushed some hair from my face, “I think it’s a very good thing. You needed a little shaking up.”

“I need everything to seem right again, is what I need.”

“It’ll get there, babe.” He turned my hand over and began massaging my palm. It sent shivers racing down my spine. “It’s always right in the end,” those soul stirring eyes met mine, “and if it’s not right then obviously it’s not the end.”

“Are you always this optimistic?”

His eyes dropped down to my hand. “I never used to be.”

Maybe tonight I wouldn’t be the only one sharing about their past. “What happened?”

“I was in a bad place and doing things I shouldn’t have been doing.”

I could sense he was a little guarded and didn’t really want to get into it, so I didn’t push it. “I think we’ve all done things we shouldn’t have been doing. One time I skipped school to stand in line all day for concert tickets.”

“Really? For who?” He looked to me again and I could read the thankfulness at the subject change in his eyes.

“Prince. I was sixteen and he was coming to New York. So a couple friends and I ditched school and took a train to the city.”

“Oh yeah? I didn’t realize you were a Prince fan.”

“Oh of course. Prince is probably one of the greatest artists there is.”

Alex gave a little nod, “He’s a talented guy.” He tilted his head and his fingers began tracing along my arm again. “Did you get caught?”

I shook my head, “Surprisingly, no. I didn’t get home thought until like almost nine and had to tell my mom some story about tutoring some kid after school.”

He laughed, “Did she ever find out?”

“Yeah, but not until I was in college. I think it came up one night when I was home visiting and I told her. She said she always thought it was odd that I would be tutoring someone for almost six hours after school.”

We both laughed and then a silence swept into the room. Was it one of those awkward silences? I couldn’t really tell. But I was racking my brain with what to talk about next.

“So….”

“What brought you to California?”

I shook my head, “I couldn’t stay in Connecticut anymore. Things were just too overwhelming and there were way too many memories. My family was suffocating me and I felt like I was being examined under a microscope; like every little thing I did they were scrutinizing and analyzing. I just had to get away from that.”

“I totally get that.”

“Really?” I met his eyes and felt another shiver tickling down my spine.

“Oh yeah, you feel like they’re watching your every move and judging even the littlest of things.”

“You know, someday you’re going to have to tell me your secrets.” It was starting to make me a little curious as to what things he had gone through in his life.

He kissed the top of my head. “Maybe someday I will.” Then he turned the conversation back to me, “Is that why you haven’t seen your parents in awhile?”

I gave a sigh, “Yeah.”

“What are you scared of?”

What a loaded question. I smoothed my hands on my thighs and took a little breath, “I just…I’m…I’m trying so hard to just get my life back to normal and…move past everything.”

“And you’re afraid if you see them it’s going to stir it all up again and you’ll be back where you started?”

Bingo. He hit the nail squarely on the head with that one. “I guess you could say that.”

He shifted against the couch and drew me against his chest, waiting until I was comfortable before responding, “Why do you think that would happen?”

I shrugged, “I… don’t know. It’s just this …feeling I have that when I see them… everything I’m trying so hard to build out here is going to come crashing down and I’ll be right back where I was two years ago.”

“Maybe you’re not really working past it and moving on.” He wet his bottom lip and smoothed his hand along my side. “Maybe you’re just pushing it aside or suppressing it.”

My brows drew together and I glanced up to him, “Are you my therapist or the guy I’m dating?”

His brows arched and a tiny grin played over his mouth, “Are we dating?”

I blinked some, not having meant to put that out there. Even I wasn’t entirely sure what we were. “I… guess so. I mean… I don’t know. What… are we doing?”

“Well, what do you want?”

I didn’t know what I wanted. Maybe I did, but I was afraid to admit it. At least out loud to anyone else. “I…don’t know…” The words whispered from my mouth.

His fingers smoothed along my cheek, “How ‘bout we don’t put a label on it.”

How ‘bout that sounded really good. “Okay.”

“And we take things a day at a time.” His fingers were now smoothing up into my hair.

“I like that.” So far that panic in my chest hadn’t set in.

“And whatever happens…happens. Go with the flow.” His face was inching closer to mine with each spoken word.

I could feel my heart picking up speed. “Okay.”

“Okay,” He echoed my words in a low tone.

The pulse in my neck was throbbing something awful. “Are…you going to kiss me?”

“Would you let me?” His mouth was so close I could feel the heat radiating from it.

I wet my bottom lip, “Maybe.”

“Maybe?” He cocked a brow.

“Yeah…maybe; if you don’t hurt me.”

His thumb smoothed over my cheek. “I’m not gonna hurt ya, baby. You just have to trust me.”

And so I did. And he kissed me. And it was wonderful.