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Author Topic: Favorite excerpt(s) you've written?  (Read 10363 times)


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Re: Favorite excerpt(s) you've written?
« Reply #15 on: December 29, 2006, 03:59:22 PM »

Awww! Thanks (I'm sure from all of us who've posted ;) ) Don't be scared to post your own though; I'm sure they're great!

Aww thanks!! Alright, here goes nothing..
The first one is from a short story in progress, called "Letter to God". I like this one cause the beginning was so easy to write, it just seemed to write itself!

He had been sitting there for at least twenty minutes, just staring at the sky, trying not to think. Every attempt failed miserably, simply because trying not to think involves thinking itself. He looked down at the fresh scars on his hands. While he slowly shook his head, he let out a long breath he had apparently been holding for a few seconds. He had a reason for not wanting to pay attention to whatever thoughts were running through his mind. They were painful these days. Sometimes, they were so painful that he slammed his fists into a wall or two. Even up to the point that his hands were bleeding. It didn’t hurt though. It never did. Simply because the hurt on the inside was far worse than the physical hurt he inflicted on himself.

This one is from "Prevailing Fate", the collaboration story. I like this part because it shows what has sometimes happened to me. When I meet people from the UK (in the store I work for example) they think I don't understand a WORD they say.. In this excerpt, the old man has the courage to say what I have wanted to say quite a few times! (even though I'm not old  ;D)

A few minutes later they saw the enormous white complex in front of them.  “Ah, here we are. Erasmus Medical Center. Thanks to the Miss at the bus stop that is. Not thanks to old Kevy.” A.J. grinned. “Now we gotta find where we should be in 10 minutes..”
As soon as they parked the car, Brian got out and asked an old lady for directions. “Miss, can you tell us where the main entrance is?”
“Ik versta je niet schat..” she replied as she walked out of the parking lot.
“Sorry to bother you.” Brian smiled as he turned around to face A.J. who was laughing at him. “Nice try, Rok.. Don’t think the old people here understand English, especially when it comes with your accent..”

“Quick to judge, are you?” someone said from behind the five men, which startled them as they turned around to see a man in his fifties who was obviously enjoying the sight of a embarrassed A.J. whose cheeks were flushing with red. “Not all ‘old’ Dutch people are stupid when it comes to understanding foreign languages. So, the main entrance. You see those stairs over there? Go up, walk straight ahead and you’ll see a sign saying ‘Hoofdingang’. Enter through there and go to the reception desk if you have an appointment. Have a nice day gentlemen.” The man smiled. “And be careful, most Dutch people understand English, even if it’s a little bit.”
“T-thanks sir.” A.J. stuttered, feeling stupid for his comment. Brian hit him over the head. “Now who’s stupid?” the Kentuckian chuckled.
“Yeah yeah, let’s get going before-”
“You say something stupid again. Yeah, let’s get going.” Kevin laughed.

This one is also from "Prevailing Fate" and I'm so proud of this one, cause to me it seems to be the one part in which I succeeded in showing how much Brian is struggling with Nick's disease and the course all of their lives has taken..

As he leaned on the sink and looked at himself, he realized his eyes didn’t sparkle like they used to. When things were normal, they always were, as did Nick’s whose eyes stopped sparkling months ago. And even though Nick was the one who was fighting the biggest battle right now, Brian was fighting his own. He was struggling to keep his faith steady, trying to believe that his best friend would make it, but on the other hand his mind was trying to tell him that maybe it was time to accept the fact that maybe he wouldn’t. That maybe the time had come to slowly start thinking of saying farewell, instead of ‘I’ll call you’.

“It can’t be..”, he whispered. “I cannot say goodbye to him.. I can’t..”
As tears welled up in his eyes, he closed them and tried to think back to some of the good times they shared, the beautiful memories they made. They brought a smile onto his features, but at the same time, tears started to fall. This mixture of feelings was something he hadn’t gotten used to, even though he experienced it frequently.

All kinds of memories flashed before him. He saw the two of them playing basketball, followed by Nick throwing up because of the chemo. The two of them goofing around on stage, followed by one of Nick’s tantrums of the last six months, caused by feelings of hopelessness and frustration. Happy memory, sad memory, happy, sad, happy, sad, sad, sad. The last few memories during these moments of reminiscing, would always be sad ones, even though Brian desperately tried to push those to the back of his mind. The harder he tried, the more of them rose to the surface. Eventually he stopped trying and let those memories flash before him as he walked back into his room and sat down on the bed, hugging his knees as he cried for the loss of his best friend, even though he was in the room next to his.

The Nick he knew, was no longer there. How could he be after all he had been through already? This whole ordeal had changed him, or them for that matter, forever and it scared Brian. Even if he did make it, if this doctor had a cure for him, would they ever be able to rebuild what they once had? And if not, could they accept that and start things over? Or would he lose him eventually, not to cancer or A.J., but to a new best friend outside of the group, because they couldn’t cope with the things that happened? Would they fall apart, because of what they had been through together? Before, Brian would have said ‘no’, but now with all that had happened, he wasn’t so sure..

And this one is from "Memories", my own story. But as I was re-reading it, I decided that I have to do a LOT of re-writing, cause it definitely SUCKS as it is right now!! I choose this excerpt cause it made my readers go like "WHAT? What did he do?!" and that is exactly what I wanted to accomplish!

Kevin opened his eyes and turned his head to look at the alarm clock that was sitting on his bedstand, showing the time in red bright numbers. Why did he ever buy one of those? It just annoyed him by remembering him of the fact that it was time to take action. Kevin closed his eyes and tried to ignore the fact that it was around 10am, because being aware of the time meant that he had to get up and call her. He knew he had to, but he wasn’t looking forward to it. For some reason, he opened his eyes again and just kept staring at the stupid alarm clock. And as the minutes passed, he began to feel more and more depressed. So yes, he would call her and finally hear her sweet voice again, but what could he say? He couldn’t tell her everything, not why he ran off on her and not why he told Brian he no longer cared. He surely couldn’t tell her that he loved her, wanted to be with her more than anything, share his days and nights with her, and even if he would ever dare to say all of those things, she would not believe him because of all the things he had said and done. To her, none of this mess would make sense. Hell, it hardly even made sense to him anymore.

Kevin sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, thinking of what he would say to her. He knew he had to explain things somehow, but he had no idea of what to say to her to do so. He had two things planned though.
He had to apologize to her, for running off and not returning her phone calls, and he had to make it clear that none of this was her fault. Well, it was, but it was not as if she had actually done anything or something. And besides, there wouldn’t even be a problem if he hadn’t killed Stacey.
Stacey.. the one person he didn’t want to think about right now. But he did, and it was the same as always. The moment he thought of her, he could not get her out of his thoughts easily. He loved her more than life itself when they got married, he still did in some ways, but Wendy somehow managed to move into his heart as well.

Stacey.. Wendy.. Wendy.. Stacey..
They were completely different women. Stacey had long, dark, curly hair all the way down to her back and eyes as brown as autumn leaves with a hint of red. Those eyes could see right through him, see his weaknesses when no one else was able to, not even the guys. She always held him when he cried for the loss of his father. She never thought of him as weak when he cried, even though he felt weak at times for doing so. She could not make the pain go away, but she softened it, so that it was bearable. Meeting her was destined, marrying her inevitable, loving her indescribable. Being loved by her felt like being in heaven, like he could fly without wings. She made him feel like he was the most important person on earth to her, and he probably was. But then he lost his temper, and she ended up dead. Dead.. He didn’t want to think about this, not again, not right now, so he tried to to lose the image of her on that operating table, no longer breathing, her hand already cold as he held it in his.
Dead.. all because of him losing his temper.

I would love some feedback on these excerpts by the way! Through pm or in this or another thread.. Owh and I figured that I could post four, just cause I say so!  :P
« Last Edit: December 29, 2006, 04:26:23 PM by Nijntje »
Not every dream is supposed to come true
Some words are best unsaid
Some love is not really love at all
I keep everything I shared with you
And that's enough.. there's us..


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Re: Favorite excerpt(s) you've written?
« Reply #16 on: December 29, 2006, 06:22:29 PM »

Hmm... I'll have to look through my stories to find one I'd like to post...

I have a story in mind that I could post a bit from, but I haven't put it up anywhere yet, and I don't wanna spoil it... Not that anything I post from any of my other stories wouldn't be a spoiler lol.

*shrugs* I'll find something.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2006, 07:15:27 PM by DragonStar »

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Re: Favorite excerpt(s) you've written?
« Reply #17 on: January 02, 2007, 11:40:42 PM »

Wow... Laura leave it to you to come up with a topic like this... LOL

Hmm... Well in all honesty when it comes to Sexcapades (which I cowrite w/ Laura) I'm not sure if there's anything I'VE written that I'm really proud of yet. I'll admit I think it's been a lil more of a struggle for me to capture "asshole Nick" but I've been really making a lot of progress with it. It's so different from Under my Skin, so it's a stretch for me, but I'm happy so far. I guess if I had to pick I'd go with the scene where Chastity accidentally knocks a bowl of hot soup on his lap. I can't take FULL credit though because even though I wrote the original scene, Laura threw in a few lines in between. I apologize for the language.

I take a sip of my soup, which really isn’t all that bad at all. In fact, it’s pretty good. Across the table, Chastity’s daintily picking at her salad. Whenever she bends over to nibble a few leaves, I notice that her top slides down a little, exposing more and more cleavage each time.

Then it hits me: an idea. Seriously, a fucking light bulb turns on in my head. You know it’s good then. “How’s the salad?”

“It’s great. How’s the soup?”

A crooked grin grows on my face. Just look at how easily she’s falling into my hands. “It’s out of this world. You should really try some of it.” I nudge my bowl a half-inch in her direction. That’s right - half an inch and not a hair more. Pay attention, ‘cause I guarantee you this trick is indispensable.

Chastity seems doubtful. “I don’t know… I’m not much of a soup person.”

I try for the playful approach. “Come on, you know you want to. It’s really good.”

She sighs. “Okay, fine.” Hopefully it’ll be this much of a snap getting her into bed. She leans over the table to sample my soup, and as expected, I’m rewarded with a bountiful view of her breasts spilling over the top of her tank top. Looks like Chastity just might be sporting a nice rack there herself. Of course, nowhere near as big as Jessica, but at least they’re real. She better not be wearing a Wonder bra, though. Or worse… tissues. Oh, hell, if I see a Kleenex pop out of her shirt, the bet’s off. I’m not dating another girl with ugly ass mosquito bite tits.

(Yes, I clearly stated “another.” As in I’ve already dated a chick by that description. As in… fuck, if you don’t know who I’m referring to by now, go watch the sex tape yourself. Hell, just watch any of her videos. Her boobs are bound to make their appearance at some point. And then scour your eyes with acid.)

However, I’m so engrossed in a thorough analysis of her cleavage that I forget rule number one when it comes to Chastity: never underestimate the power of her clumsiness. Oh, sure, everything seems to be going great… until she fucking loses her balance and her chest nails the table (ouch, that’s gotta hurt!) Naturally, her arms go flying, and… oh, shit. Oh. Shit. Not the soup! And just guess where it ends up.

Yep. The entire bowl of hot soup - HOT SOUP! - lands right in my lap. By some small miracle, most of it manages to get on my thigh. A few more inches to the left, and, well, let’s just say that I wouldn’t have to worry about this stupid bet anymore because I’d probably never be able to have sex again (which arm is it that hurts when you’re about to have a heart attack?).

Chastity leaps up from the table, her face bright red as she squeals, “Oh, my God! I’m so sorry, Nick! Here, let me help you.” Before I can protest, she dashes to my side of the table, rubbing her napkin right against my thigh in an attempt to mop up the mess.

I’m not sure whether to be pissed, mortified, or have a fucking boner. Is it wrong to be turned on by this? I know the circumstances are pretty fucked up, but she’s scrubbing pretty hard. For a second, I wonder if she's doing this on purpose, but then I remember this is Chastity we’re talking about. Still, I wonder how far she’ll take it? Maybe I should put her to test…

“I think you missed a spot a little to the left.” I nudge her in the right direction, and just as I hoped, she’s too frazzled over spilling the soup in the first place to realize where her hand is. Maybe I underestimated her. She probably gives great hand jobs.

She’s still rubbing when the lines slowly crease in her forehead. “Wow, Nick. You sure keep a lot of stuff in your pockets.”

“I don’t have anything in my pockets, baby.” I can’t help but smirk once she suddenly realizes what she’s doing and removes her hand faster than I can blink. Well, at least we know that “Li’l Nicky” is still functional. Though we better perform a few more tests later to make sure. Purely for scientific purposes, of course.

As far as Under my Skin goes its SOOOO hard for me to pick a favorite part. I am very proud of it all and there are SO many parts I love. I'm so proud of my sex scene cuz it took me forever to write and I think it came out perfect. I also love the part where the two girls gang up on Alyssa in the bathroom, but I guess I'd ultimately go with a more serious part. I'm going to post the flashback scene from where Nick breaks off the engagement with Alyssa. Again I apologize for language and its a lil long.

"I knew you'd find me here," he grumbled.

   Alyssa sat down beside him, put her arm around his shoulders and planted a kiss on his cheek. "Do you want to talk about whatever is bothering you?"

   "Not really," he dully answered as he continued to stare out at the ocean.

   "You seemed pretty upset this morning. Whatever that phone call was about it obviously had some kind of effect on you. It might make you feel better to get it out," she tried again.

   Nick just shrugged. "I don't think talking about it is going to make the situation any better. It's certainly not going to change anything."

   "No it's not," she agreed. "But it helps to vent sometimes."

   "You wouldn't be able to understand," he insisted. "No offense."

   "I can try. So please, tell me what's bothering you? Who was the call from?"

   Nick sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. "It was from my Mom."

   Just that explanation alone was almost enough for Alyssa. Whenever Jane Carter called Nick, there was usually some sort of resulting argument between the two. "What did she have to say this time?"

   Nick took in a deep breath. "She and my Dad... They've been going through some rough times and they're getting a divorce," he explained as his voice cracked slightly on the word divorce.

   "Oh Nick... I'm so sorry," she responded as she took him into her arms and wrapped him in a tight hug as she rubbed his back. "I can just imagine how I would feel if my parents told me that they were getting a divorce."
   "Your parents would never get a divorce period," he coldly replied.

   He was right. Alyssa's parents fought and her mother would constantly say that she wanted a divorce, but Alyssa knew that deep down that they would never actually go through with it. Her father didn't believe in divorce. He was a firm believer that marriage was a permanent commitment. "I can still only imagine what you are going through," she told him in a slightly hurt voice.

   "Can you?" he asked cynically. "Can you really imagine what it's like to discover that your parents, who you have known your entire life, and have been married for years, all of a sudden don't love each other anymore? And what does that say to you about love and marriage in general? You think you're happy and in love and maybe that feeling lasts a number of years, but then eventually it just disappears? Maybe there really isn't any such thing as love. Maybe it's just some illusion created by society to justify your attraction towards another person."

   "Don't say that Nick!" Alyssa protested. "There are lots of couples out there that stay together for their whole lives. And about what you say about love, it does exist. I know because I love you. I honestly and truly do. I don't think love is a lie. Your parents... Maybe they just decided to give up to soon, but that doesn't mean that we're going to end up the same way."

   Nick just shrugged. "Look at the statistics. More than half of all marriages today end in divorce. Why bother going through the trouble of getting married anymore with those kind of odds?"

   Alyssa's eyes narrowed with fear. "What are you trying to say Nick?"

   "I don't know what I'm trying to say!" he cried in frustration. I don't know anything anymore." As he slid his sunglasses off of his eyes Alyssa noticed for the first time that his eyes looked puffy as if he had been crying and it nearly broke her heart in two. Then he uttered those words that changed her life. "I don't think I want to get married anymore."

   "What?!" she responded. "Nick, just because you're confused and worried doesn't mean that you have to throw away our engagement. There's no reason to doubt us! We've been through so much more worse things together and yet we've still managed to survive. If that's not love then I don't know what is!"

   "Alyssa," he said softly as he took her hand. "I'm not ready for marriage. There's too much in my life right now that I need to sort out before I can make that kind of commitment. I guess I just didn't realize that until now and I know its pretty shitty of me-"

   "Damn right it is!" she answered, unable to conceal her anger. She knew deep down that she was only making matters worse by getting angry, but she couldn't seem to control her emotions as tears of frustration burned her eyelids. Things were finally going right with them and now this!

   "Try to understand," he told her. "I know its hard because I can barely understand it myself, but if we were to get married now it wouldn't last."

   "How can you say that?" she asked, not bothering to hide the tears that now freely fell down her cheeks. "You're not even giving us a chance!"

   "I don't need to. I've already had one marriage and I'm not even 23 yet. I'm not ready for another one. I thought I was, but I'm not," he confessed.

   "That was different," Alyssa argued. "It was a marriage of convenience. You didn't love her."

   Nick sighed again. "I'm not marriage material. I need to be free right now. My solo album is coming out, I'm young, and I need to be selfish and enjoy myself now while I still can. I can't do that married."

   "Are you trying to tell me that you want to see other people too?" she questioned as she swallowed back her tears.

   "I guess so," he reluctantly replied. "Maybe its for the best."

   "I don't want to see anyone else. I love you Nick. I want to spend the rest of my life with you," she insisted, giving it one last try.

   "If you really loved me you'd respect my decision," he told her. It was a dirty card to play, but the easiest way out that he could manage.

   "I can't believe that you're breaking up our engagement just so that you can fuck other girls,"  Alyssa said in disbelief as she backed away from him.

   "Come on Alyssa. I didn't say that," Nick answered as he gazed up at her.

   "The intent was definitely there," she defiantly told him as she stood up. She looked down upon her hand at the Tiffany & Co. engagement ring that Nick had given her on the last night of the Black and Blue tour. It really had been the engagement ring of her dreams. Now there was no way that she could stand to keep it as a reminder of what could've been. With a trembling breath, she slipped it off her finger and handed it back to Nick. "I guess I won't be needing this anymore."

   Nick smirked as he accepted the ring. "This is the second engagement ring that you're returning to me."

   "Well, then maybe you should think a little more carefully before you give them out," she tensely replied.

   "Keep it," he insisted as he handed it back to her. "What am I going to do with it?"

   "I don't want it either Nick. I think a broken heart is enough of a souvenir from this relationship."

   Nick's face flashed with hurt from her comment. He looked back down upon the ring and without another moments hesitation he flung it out into the ocean.

   That one simple gesture was the biggest fuck you that Alyssa had ever received.

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Re: Favorite excerpt(s) you've written?
« Reply #18 on: January 02, 2007, 11:42:14 PM »

I like the scene I just wrote for Messing with Magic, but if you want to know it then you'll have to read it.  :p

I'm too lazy to post it here too :p
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Re: Favorite excerpt(s) you've written?
« Reply #19 on: January 02, 2007, 11:45:51 PM »

I guess if I had to pick I'd go with the scene where Chastity accidentally knocks a bowl of hot soup on his lap.

Oh the soup scene... Hahahahahahaha! :D

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Re: Favorite excerpt(s) you've written?
« Reply #20 on: January 03, 2007, 12:25:50 AM »

Oh the soup scene... Hahahahahahaha! :D

Ya the soup scene! I dunno I just thought it was REALLY funny and easy to picture.


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Re: Favorite excerpt(s) you've written?
« Reply #21 on: January 03, 2007, 12:29:37 AM »

Ya the soup scene! I dunno I just thought it was REALLY funny and easy to picture.

Yeah, pretty vividly, because I did it once. :-[

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

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Re: Favorite excerpt(s) you've written?
« Reply #22 on: January 07, 2007, 12:46:45 AM »

I have to say most of the fics that are mentioned here are the ones I have never read before but I read the excerpts and I am so proud to see SO many well-written BSB fics in this board. I might not read them for the simple reason that it's a genre i dont read, but i enjoyed the scenes that i have from here. Keep writing awesome fics guys and thanks for letting me take a peek to your fics :D
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