First Chapter
The office was plain. Simple. A creamy paint, soft and elegant, used the sun rays to donate more light to the room and make it look less as a doctor’s office, no matter if big medical books filled the bookshelves and a white skull was looking straightly at him on the light brown oak desk.
Nothing seemed to have changed during the years and even doctor Cooper hadn’t changed much, though a little bit of white had managed to sweep through the black of the hair. But that warm light in his eyes, that reassurance that came right through the smile and features that made you instantly like him, respect him and put your life into his hands.
There had been so many doctors in his life, he remembered how each one of them had treated him: shivers and trembles still ran through his spine when echoes of his childhood came back, those days spent in hospital and those doctors that, in the mind of a five years old, had became monsters.
But not doctor Cooper.
Doctor Cooper had been one of the few that had treated him as a human being first, then as a patient: he could remember how he used to come into his room, during his two months staying, and would bring him comics or superheroes’ figure, telling how he could be one of them, how he could fight the evil that had insinuated within him and how he could let good win over it. He still had those comics somewhere, safely saved from the passing of time and the only few memories he let himself hold from that period, a time that he had never quite disclosed with no one else.
And, in the end, that was the reason why Brian had decided to keep coming back to doctor Cooper for his yearly check - up or whenever he needed to. Although it had been so long since he had sat down that chair, sat down in front of that desk and that man. He should have been there every year, just a mere check up to verify that everything was perfect and nothing more; in reality, it had been almost impossible to squeeze in that check up, even though his intentions had always been good: most of the times they were around the world, flying and performing to gain back a popularity that was reserved to younger and newer stars, and finding just one day to stop the world seemed so damn impossible.
Or, maybe, the truth was that it always slipped out his mind because there was nothing to actually be worried about. He felt great, healthier and fitter that he had ever been even though the clock of age ticked upward instead than backward: hours spent on stage, dancing and jumping from every height possible, drinking in the energy coming from the fans and fighting off the tiredness by reminding himself that he was still able to do it, that he still could win a basketball match against Nick, younger than him and yet never faster or quicker.
And that’s, probably, had been his first mistake. Believing his own body. Believing that rush of energy, believing that feeling of knowing he could push himself a little bit higher, a little bit further instead than slowing down and relax.
Hadn’t it done the same thing a couple of years before? Hadn’t his own body fed a lie while it was slowly crumpling over itself, self destroying while he had been at his peak? What a fool he had been, falling for it a second time! But that was how bodies worked, that was how sneaky they were, letting you believe something that wasn’t really the truth: they made you believe that everything was working perfectly, they made you believe you could climb mountains and () rivers while, at the same time, they were working on the inside to bring you down when you least expected.
He believed in his own body. He was feeling great and it really seemed that his energies would never wear off, because even those days left to relax and rest were filled with activities, jobs that needed to be done around a house maybe too big but a pride regardless. He had been feeling great, being even able to still eat whatever he liked without fearing about putting weight on, making Nick jealous and mad because he only needed to look at a cupcake to run at the first gym.
But the memories of the first time never faded away, turning and changing into alarming sirens at the first echo. It happened, of course, during another leg of the tour and, obviously, at the beginning so stopping everything was already out of question; it happened like it happened that first time, a tiredness and an exhaustion that set inside his bones and muscles and turned them into weights: it didn’t matter how many hours he would sleep, it didn’t matter if he’d tried to rest every time he got the chance, he’s still felt tired and that worrisome feeling that something wasn’t really right.
Yet, that same fear blocked him at first, making him running away from what looked like another battle to fight and win. He didn’t want to accept what those signs were telling him, brushing them off as something that it was just temporarily: soon he would feel better, soon he was going to go back at being that bundle of energies that made people shake their heads and calling him childish.
It didn’t happen, of course. It actually got worse, way worse than the first time. Chest pains soon joining the party, appearing always out of the blue and leaving with that gripping fear that made everything even more terrifying; dizziness and shortness of breath were just the late arrivers, joining hands with their other companions and turning that party into a never ending nightmare.
Brian remembered clearly and vividly the first time those signs came and knocked him down, leaving a trail of fear behind their backs. Logically it happened in the middle of a show, just after finished a song and in the hurry to go to the backstage and change for the next set; he could recall how everything kinda stopped being loud, how fans had stopped chanting and screaming and all the world around him had seemed to have gone under a numb blanket; darkness fell and, for a moment, he felt like he was falling, falling and falling into a pointless pit and there was nothing he could do to break his fall. And, the moment next, he was lying on the concrete, Nick’s concerned face looming in front of him and people shouting for a doctor to be called. He had tried to brush it off, just the sight of Nick’s worry was enough to wear his usual smile and make up some lie about hitting against one of the big screens.
Inside? Inside he was worried, more than usual. More than normal. Those fears, those worried thoughts, never stopped nagging him, biting every ounce of his soul until they became the only thing he could focus on. And history repeated itself because, even this time, Brian kept those worries to himself, his cracks safely hidden behind a tired smile. He didn’t know if someone noticed it, he didn’t notice if someone would linger a little bit longer while studying his face. He tried to brush off his tiredness, joking on how old age was finally catching up with him: Nick would laugh, make fun of him and, sometimes, a soft expression would appear in his eyes, a blue able to make Brian forget about his own problems and just…
… well, that was another matter that almost broke him, another matter that required energies that he didn’t have at the moment.
So that was, ultimately, the reason why Brian was sitting in that chair, facing a man that had grown older with the years but still looked and treated him as if he was one of his sons. He just wanted to get over with it, maybe getting reminded about how he wasn’t getting younger and how he should be really looked after himself and his health. He just wanted to stop that derailing train of thoughts that never left him alone, always nagging and nagging until, Brian was sure, he was going mad.
“What’s the final verdict, doc?” His voice got caught in the throat, fear and anxiety battling and fighting to come up and have the first row. His hands were shaking, fingers twisting and nails digging in the skin as if they could make more bearable the waiting.
The man closed his file, a light brown piece of paper that seemed too big to Brian, and took his glasses off. “I’m afraid I don’t have good news, Brian. Those symptoms, the result of your exams… they don’t make a good picture.”
“It’s my heart, right?” There was no need to circle around the point of the discussion. He already suspected it, he had already been afraid about what was going on inside his heart. What he needed was a solution, a cure so that he could go back to his life.
“Sadly no.”
“No? What do you mean? The chest pains…” Confusion was already written on his face, lines that frowned his forehead and fingers that got more nervous than just a couple of seconds before.
“It could be stress. You’re not getting younger. - It should have been a small j9ke, something to lift up the mood but Brian didn’t smile, those red lines became tighter and more forced. - I was concerned about that tiredness and how much weight you’ve lost. Not to mention those bruises that you didn’t even noticed. So we did more blood exams and I’m afraid I’m not bearing good news.”
“I feel fine. - Brian repeated, fiercely and with more determination. He felt fine, everyone had kept saying so too. He shook his head, trying to block all the more fear that was rapidly swallowing him up. He felt fine. - I always lose some weight when we are in tour. It’s always been like that. And the bruises… I jump everywhere. I never stand still. It’s…”
“Your exams show low levels of red blood cells, which can explain your feeling tired and your anemia. At the same time, though, your exams revealed a low level of white cells, dangerously and alarming low. And that’s why I want to do some more specific exams, including a bone marrow biopsy.”
“Biopsy?” Brian’s throat felt completely dry, as though as it became a desert. He couldn’t even wrap his mind around that simple word, which had been able to shatter his entire world. Even though he was sitting down, Brian felt like earth disappearing from under his feet, a black and deep void that soon would swallow him down.
“I know it sounds scaring but it’s best knowing sooner what we are dealing with instead than hiding our heads underneath the sand, right?”
“But… are you completely sure?” Brian couldn’t actually finish what he was about to say, the words lost as soon as they left his brain. How? How did it happen? Why? Why did it happen to him? It was still confusing, a part of him wasn’t even sure that he was having that conversation. Hadn’t he been already through enough? What more could he possible endure before enough was enough? Before his strength would raise its hands up and admit defeat? A nightmare. That was it. It was a nightmare, something that his mind had decided to build so to force him to go and take more care of himself and his health.
It had to be a nightmare.
“That’s why I want to do more exams. That’s why I want you to see a specialist and…”
The reassuring voice of the doctor slipped through Brian’s ears, bringing words such as specialist, planning those exams as soon as possible, giving him pamphlets and pages filled with information that his brain wasn’t ready to read, and understand, yet. He didn’t feel anything, he didn’t remember or notice anything more than that ringing sound inside his ears and that feeling that burned deep down inside, a desire to go out that door, that office, that building and go farther and farther, so far away that he wouldn’t be found by that horrible word.
Cancer. Leukemia. And a verdict that was still in the air though, at that moment, wasn’t that good and optimistic.
Suddenly sun caressed his face, although its warmth slipped down unnoticed. Brian knew it was a warm sunny day but he couldn’t feel it on his skin, as if he had abruptly turned into an ice statue. Stone that could reflect that warmth, that could hold it on the surface but it never let it reach the heart.
That was how he felt in that moment.
Numb. Cold. Lost.
People passed by next to him, yet he didn’t notice them. They were ghosts, intangible being that seemed to float around him, all of them rushing through their own lives and their own worlds. How many of them knew what it felt like to have your whole life shattered down by one simple word? How many of them had walked his path, that road that seemed too high and challenging? People passed by and Brian wanted to stop them, to stop the world until he could figure out how to face this new battle, how to be strong because, right in that moment, strong was the latest thing he could think about himself.
He wanted to run. He wanted to hide. He wanted to be alone, safe and sound in a corner when nothing could touch him, when nothing and no one could reach and demand him to work the courage up to stand tall.
Why should he be?
What was he supposed to say to… everyone? How was he supposed to go back to his parents and tell them that all their prayers and all of their faith had been misplaced? How could he tell them that they were risking losing their youngest once again? Once had been enough, Brian still remembered that look on their faces when he had told them that his heart had worsened and that he needed surgery. This… This was even worse, bad enough that a part of his soul wanted to feed them a lie so that he could slip away without tears and without that disappointment because he hadn’t been able to stay healthy.
And then there was the group. Nick. Kevin. Aj. Howie. What was he supposed to say to them? “Sorry but I’m about to ruin our plans again. I didn’t mean to get cancer.” Dates had been already planned and saved since the year before, plans for recording were already in motion: the future was there, shining brightly and he was going to turn off the lights. Maybe forever.
The fans. The world. Just the mere thought of addressing that matter publicly was giving free reign to his anxiety, raising the bar so high that it almost gave him dizziness. He couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t. He didn’t want the pity, the sad looks and those words that, yes, were full of love and support but made him feel like he owned them to get better. To fight and win at any cost.
Yet Brian was still walking. Away from that office, away from that news that had shattered his world and his tranquility. He could walk until his feet would carry him, maybe so far away that, hopefully, people would forget all about him and he would be just a distant and faded memory: no one was going to be hurt that way, no one was going to feel cheated, betrayed as if Brian had intentionally decided to get sick and…
Brian walked and a part of him knew that he was only reacting at the brunt of the news. He wasn’t thinking rationally because logic didn’t belong to that moment. Brian knew that his mind was protecting himself from that storm of emotions that were ready to attack him and feed from him; once that shock would turn off and leave his mind, he would be able to pick himself up and face all his doctor had talked about. But, at that moment, he couldn’t think. He couldn’t feel. He couldn’t do anything but walk aimlessly among the streets, not really knowing where he was going or if he was going somewhere.
Home, maybe?
Home seemed the best idea. He could hide there. He could tell himself that it had all been a nightmare and then go back to his life, that real life, as if nothing had really happened. Hadn’t he already done it before? It didn’t work, that was sure. But, at least for a couple of weeks and months, he had managed to believe his own lie the more he told it to other people.
He didn’t want to be alone, though. He didn’t want to hide, he didn’t want to be left at the hands of demons and fears that were already waiting for him, their claws sharp and hunger for blood and soul. And his own body had had, probably, the same idea because his feet didn’t carry Brian home.
Not his own, at least.
Only when he was standing in front of that door, so different from his own, Brian realized where he had walked to. And, out of the blue, almost impossible as it may seem given his circumstances, a small smile managed to curve his lips.
It was something new. It was something atypical, yet, it did felt as something finally right, something that didn’t need not so many explanations or justifications. It was something new because it was the first time that Brian went there, the first time that he was the one needing comfort, a shoulder to lean on or to hide from that storm and turmoil raging within with his soul.
It was the first time that it happened, the first time he made it happen. Many times, in the past, Brian had felt the urge and need to go and find him every time he had felt lost, hurt or just desiring a hug from a friend. But he always had backed down at the last second, just a few moments before spilling out everything or making the last turn in his car: something had always stopped him, that part of himself that had always carried that duty to be a sort of protector, Their roles had always been safe, they had always been that fixed point that had made them so perfect to become one the best friend of the other: changing them would have meant put everything out in the open, frail and trembling because it was a balance that they hadn’t tried before; changing, even just for one second, would have meant shuffling the cards and admitting that they needed each other more than they could say.
More than Brian was willing to admit, even to him.
He had always hidden that part of himself, even long before his road met and mixed with his: pity stares had always following him; worries and concerning words had always tried to smother him, or make him feel like he was about to break if he only pushed himself a little bit more than usual. That was why he had built so many walls around him, that steel appearance of someone who could endure any kind of pain with no help at all. But that had been a lie and, when he had found himself brought on his knees, he had suddenly realized that he needed someone else, he wanted someone else to take care of him and tell him how everything would turn out alright, but he didn’t quite know how to.
And now…
Now Brian was back at square one. His heart beating furiously, his breathing almost stolen away by anxiety and that dizziness that was trying to bring him down. Yet he resisted. Yet he closed his hand in a fist and rose against the door: if his life was going to break into a million pieces, if only a bunch a moments of time were all he had left, then he couldn’t waste them denying something that had been bound to happen for too many years. He wanted to be happy, as much as that beast inside him would let and allow him; he wanted to make someone else happy, giving him that ultimate gift and hoping it would be enough to be forgiven for all his past mistakes, for all those things he had never dared to say and all those touches he had never dared to bring to life.
Now Brian was knocking on what should have been always his house, because home could be only the place where heart could blossom and beat love. Home should have been that blonde face that finally appeared after what seemed like infinite seconds of silence, a puzzled look but a different light in his blue eyes.
Something finally burned into Brian’s heart, that something that had been beaten down by that news and had seemed destined to die in flames: hope. Brian felt hope raising its head, flames of strength being reinvigorated just by the sight of what happiness could be. Millions of what ifs still rang inside his head, fishes of doubts that wanted to warn him and make him turn away, because there was the possibility that it was just a castle built into his fantasy and imagination.
But there was no more time to be caution. There was no more time to be afraid and wait for another right moment to appear in front of them. Brian needed to catch that one and hope it would be enough to win Nick over.
“Brian? What are you doing here?”
And the future, the sad and too cruel reality, could and had to wait for awhile.
Second Chapter
That day I didn’t ask. I know I should have, it would have saved us a lot of troubles, a lot of discussions and fights that, maybe, didn’t help us in the end.
I still think about it, you know? There’s too much silence now that we aren’t together; there’s too much stillness without you here so my mind goes back in time and it let me relive every single fragment of our life together, as if it it’s an old black and white movie, one of those you loved so much.
That day I didn’t ask why you came to me so suddenly.
No calls.
No messages.
Just a knock and there you were, standing in front of me as if it was the most natural thing, as if it was something that you always did.
You know one thing that I’ve never told anyone? One thing that I’ve never told you? I dreamed about something like that happening so many times. I wished, I prayed, that someday I would open my door and see you there, kissing me as if the world was about to end.
Guess I got my wish at the end. Guess it’s true that things happen when you least expect them, although I’ve always thought that I would get even my happily ever after.
That day is still so clear in my mind. I can watch it happening as if it was just yesterday. It was a normal day, one of those ordinary days when I was supposed to do all those mundane things like cleaning. Then the knock at the door. Then opening the door and seeing you. I smiled, even though I was confused. What were you doing here? Why were you here?
Then I saw your look.
I had seen that expression before, but it was never meant for me. I had seen you with that expression so many times before, every time you would come to me and tell me everything about one of your girlfriends. I had seen that look of love, that devotion that always made your eyes a little bit brighter, as if love was the sun and you’ve captured its light and warmth.
But sometimes...
... Sometimes, when you thought I wasn’t looking or paying attention, you would look at me with that look. You never thought I could catch you so you would lower your defenses, those high and tall walls where you always hid behind, and you would let slip something. A look. A smile. A longing that it always felt like it was singing to my own.
That was your mistake, Frick.
You thought, you believed I’ve never paid attention to you, especially in those years where we didn’t even know what was going on in each other’s lives.
You were wrong.
I’ve always paid attention to you. Even when we hated each other, even when I couldn’t even bring myself to call you as my best friend, my eyes were always fixed on you: asking for help: demanding that you would see how badly I needed you, how badly I missed you. I observed you every time I had the chance, trying to capture nuances and details that I could store somewhere deep inside, waiting for that moment when we would be what everyone had always called us.
Frick and Frack.
We were always meant to fall like that. We were always meant to end up together, closer that it was humanly possible and intertwined as if our bodies, and our souls, were just pieces of a bigger and perfect picture. And yes, those are your exact words and I will keep using them because they are perfect for describing what we were.
What we will always be, no matter what.
I didn’t expect you to come into my life like that. I’ve always thought we would start talking first, we would explain all the things we did to each other before tasting unknown waters. I should have known that you wouldn’t do something so mundane. Something so small.
I underestimated you. And you… you, as always, came and did something that I wasn’t and couldn’t expect at all. You came and you shook my whole world, turning on a light that had been left off for too long. You came and rationality slipped away from the house, because love and desire filled it to the brim.
I should have asked, though. Maybe not that first day, but maybe the next one. Or the other. I was blinded. I was mad and crazy because I’ve had you finally in my arms, you were finally mine and I was so afraid about letting you go. I was so scared that you would disappear if only I dared to look around or ask you something that you weren’t ready to say.
But I should have asked you right away.
I feel so stupid now because, in a way, you were telling me that something wasn’t right. You tried to tell me that something big must had happened if you threw caution out of the window and finally did what you’ve always wanted and desired.
At the same time, though, I feel so thankful because those had been the most beautiful days I ever lived. We were free. We were just molecules of love, atoms of need and desire; we were satellites that had finally found their planets; earths that had been kissed by suns and weren’t afraid of burning.
We were happy.
We were like scientists, experimenting and studying our bodies, that new balance that needed to be perfect because… well, because after melting into each other, I knew I couldn’t go back to just being a friend. Or a co worker.
I think a lot about those days lately. I still can taste your aroma; I still can feel your skin underneath my hands. Your first kiss, devastating as a nuclear bomb, silencing as only love can be. Your eyes, bright as a summer sky and golden as if you’ve stolen the sun, looking at me as if I was the only beauty left in the whole universe.
But I wonder now.
Would you have come to me if you hadn’t known?
I want to say yes. I want to believe that it was just a matter of time: we both just needed a little bit of courage, a push to lose those blindfolds and realize that everything we’ve desired has always been right there in front of us.
I want to believe it, Frick. I want to believe in you.
I guess I won’t ever know the truth.
*********
“Brian? - Nick asked confused, seeing the older standing right in front of him as if it was the most natural thing. - What are you doing here?”
Or why, he had wanted to ask. Why him, more exactly. Why did Brian come specifically to him because it never happened before. Or, when it happened, it had always been the opposite, with him knocking on Brian’s door for whatever reason, and problem, he might had at that moment. Brian never did. Brian never came to him, not even in those days when Nick had been the only one Brian would turn to when too many thoughts were running inside his mind.
But, confusion and surprise aside, a flutter of warmth enveloped Nick’s heart at the sight of Brian: he drank his image, he drank those reflections caused by the sun, landing oh so beautiful upon his skin and gifting it with a shade of honey of gold. Time and distance never stood a chance, Nick had never stopped feeling that pull, that attraction for someone that was never meant to be his. He had tried so hard to fight it. He had tried so hard to ignore it, to make it go away but even alcohol and drugs hadn’t succeeded in that task: he had destroyed himself trying to destroy something that it would always be a part of him, something that would always come back once the mist would be over and dissipated.
At least, in the end, Nick had managed to be okay with it. Nick had managed to accept that Brian was going to be always part of his life, even if it wasn’t going to be the one Nick wanted and desired. It was still something, right? It was still manageable because life without Brian had proved to be just a circle of darks thoughts and bad choices, terrible choices that had left Nick stranded far away from home.
No matter what, Brian was his home. Even if that home was still inaccessible, even if he could only walk the halls but didn’t have the key to get into every room. It was still way better than not being allowed to even reach the door, just left observing and wondering if he could be able to get near and close once again.
So they tried to reconnect. They tried to become Frick and Frack again, losing all those old threads that had almost managed to tear them apart: they were friends again, they still enjoyed each other’s company, laughing at those same old jokes and he, Nick, still trying to win over Brian in a basketball match. But, unlike those younger days, now Nick was more observant, more concerned when it came to Brian: maybe it had been Leslie’s death and how he had been too absorbed into his own life to see those signs, to do something before it was too late… Nick didn’t want to go back that road again, he wasn’t going to lose another loved one just because, too often, he got so caught up into his million projects. So he tried to be more observant, he tried to worry a little bit more even if it was just a small accident, something that could happen to everyone and that didn’t have to mean something just because it was Brian. Nick tried but, in the end, it only took a smile, that big and silver laugh, to forget about all of his worries and concerns and just enjoy Brian’s company.
But, even though they had been closer than before, seeing Brian in front of him wasn’t something Nick had quite expected that day.
Or any other day.
“I was walking around and I thought about coming. - Brian replied softly, a small smile that didn’t quite reached his eyes, still hidden behind a pair of sunglasses. - Is… is it okay? I can go if you’re busy or…”
“No, no. Come in. - Nick didn’t even let Brian finish. The last thing he wanted was to lose and waste that one time and rare opportunity. - I’m not busy.” He opened the door a little bit more, letting Brian inside before closing it behind his back.
“You’re not busy? That’s a first.”
“Well, I do like a little bit of rest and relax now and then.”
Brian didn’t know how to approach everything. What was he supposed to say? Not, of course, whatever had just happened a few hours before. That was going to be something for the future, something for when he would be ready to accept that he had to fight, once again.
Right now he wanted just to take something off of his chest, something that had waited for too long. Right now he just wanted to forget about dark clouds and grey skies, right now he just wanted to feel the sun on his face and love exploding into his heart and soul. Right now he just wanted to be with Nick the way they were always meant to be, no matter what doubts and rules said or hinted.
In theory it shouldn’t be that hard. The attraction had always been there, even in that moment their eyes would linger a little bit longer so that they could capture every detail and every line. The air felt electric, as if wanting and desire had finally found an outlet, a door out to vibrate in the open. And, maybe, all that excitement was what was keeping Brian from talking: there was a sense of apprehension, a doubt that it wasn’t really a good thing if he couldn’t keep up his promise until forever.
What if he was wrong? What if he had just fooled himself, reading signs that were never meant to be that important? What if he had always fooled himself into believing that Nick loved him more than just a friend, admired and devoted to him more than just a mentor and a hero?
What if…?
But Brian wanted this. Brian wanted Nick. Brian had wanted Nick since he could remember, he had wanted him since their two worlds had collided and friendship had been just the first step towards something much more important and deeper.
Maybe it wasn’t the fairest thing to do in that moment. Maybe it wasn’t fair to trap Nick or trap himself when his days might be counted. But maybe it wasn’t fair not to do it, not to give them this chance and then just see what the future would hold for him. For them. Maybe logic and rationality didn’t belong to that moment, maybe right now both of them just needed nothing more but let their hearts, and their bodies, do all the talking.
Yet Brian’s voice seemed nowhere to be found. Yet words couldn’t be found, lost somewhere between his mind and his throat. What could he possible say to Nick? A declaration of love seemed so out of place, so taken out of a movie instead than real life.
“Brian? Is something wrong?” Nick dared to ask because silence had fallen between them and because Brian seemed like frozen, as if he didn’t remember or know why he was there.
“It’s… - Brian licked his lips, suddenly dry. - … can I do something?”
“Uhm… yeah, sure.” Nick was more and more confused as seconds passed by and as Brian came closer and closer, until there were just a few breaths of air between them. And oh, if that proximity was intoxicating! Nick wasn’t sure if he could resist, if he could stand there and not reach out, not pulling Brian by one arm and finally finding out if their bodies could melt into each other.
Yet, Nick couldn’t predict Brian’s next move. Yet, Nick couldn’t phantom that Brian was thinking the same thing and, instead than leaving that thought unanswered, he wanted to prove it. He wanted to prove that they could, no, that they were meant to be that close, so close that nothing could actually tear them apart; he wanted to prove that he hadn’t been mad about those feelings, he hadn’t fooled himself by running to Nick instead than face his problems. He wanted to prove that there was still something good to fight for, something worth all the pain and the suffering that were just waiting for him around the corner.
“Let me have this piece of heaven, please. - He whispered to no one and everyone he could think of. That someone in the sky who had just sent him in purgatory once again. - Let me have this.”
Nick couldn’t predict Brian standing on his tiptoes, Brian placing his hands on his face and then those lips… was it really happening? Was Brian really kissing him? It did appear so, otherwise he was just daydreaming and fantasizing with his eyes open.
But it felt so real.
But it was real.
It was real the way his whole exploded into fireworks, sweet and painless light’s breakouts that captured all of his senses and made him feel lightheaded. It was real Brian’s taste under his lips, softness and sweetness all combined together: it was almost like tasting honey, it was almost like sipping a delicate wine, rare and unique and just made for him. It was real and Nick didn’t want it to be over, he didn’t want to ever take his lips, and his body, away from Brian’s.
Nothing was ever going to be the same. Nothing could stay the same, not after that kiss that had waited for so long before coming out from its hiding corner. Nothing was the same, in a brief second both worlds had been turned around, shaken, shattered and then rebuilt around a new axis.
A new fixed point.
And so sweetness gave space to hunger. Hunger to thirst. Passion and desperation followed almost shortly after, breaking out in million flashes of white lights and raising the temperature. They had waited for so long. They had almost given up, believing that something like that couldn’t and would never happen, both of them lost in a wood made of trees of fears and bushes of doubts. It seemed like all they wanted, in that moment, was making up for all the time they’ve wasted, for all those times when they had wanted to do something but decided not to, for so many reasons that now had disappeared.
The kiss stopped but they didn’t step away. They lingered in the embrace, they bathed into that warmth that only their two bodies could offer, the way that they seemed to melt and become something different.
How they seemed to have become one.
“You… fuck, Brian. You’re... “ Nick’s voice echoed breathless against Brian’s lips, vibrations that beat along with a thrumming heart.
“What am I?” Brian’s lips planted butterfly and hot kisses along Nick’s jaw line, an amused smile that shone inside his eyes.
“How long have you planned this?”
“I didn’t.”
“So you were just passing by and decided that it was time to kiss me?”
“Well, I wasn’t really passing by… - Brian replied with a grin, shrugging his shoulders as if the reason about all of that wasn’t that particular or important. - … unless you mean something like getting in the car and drive to your house.”
Nick took a step back, his hands never leaving Brian’s skin but something like concern and surprise, a wild mix of emotions, turning his eyes into an attentive look that wanted to capture everything that felt off. “Are you crazy?”
“Crazy. - Brian repeated that word on his lips, not really liking its sound. - Crazy it’s how long we had tried to fight this instead than just accept it. Crazy it’s how I thought that this, that us together, would have been a mistake. Crazy it’s keeping telling me that I’ve all the time in the world to fix it when it’s not like that. We don’t have it. Life is short and we can’t have this thing looming above us, we can’t allow this regret to become stronger and stronger as years passed by.”
There was something that didn’t sound right in that statement. Nick agreed with it, it was crazy that it took them more than two decades to realize that letting their heart speak and act was way better than hiding behind fears and rules that someone had made for them. But, yet, it didn’t sound… something was off. Something was almost screaming for attention, as if Brian had let some sort of hint about what really pushed him to drive all those miles and take a chance.
“With everything going on during those last years… I know now that I don’t want to leave things unsaid or undone. You’re my biggest regret. I should have acted sooner, I should have done this so many years ago, I should have left my pride and my desire to be this perfect image for everyone aside and just followed my heart. - Brian took a step closer, his heart pounding and a voice begging him to tell Nick the truth. He quickly dismissed it, preferring to say those words that sounded right and meant the whole world. - And my heart had always led me to you.”
Brian placed his hands on Nick’s collar and, catching him by surprise, pushed him so that they could be as close as possible; he didn’t wait for Nick to catch up, or gave him enough time to come up with a question or wonder what was about to happen: in a blink, Brian stood on his tiptoes and locked his lips with Nick’s, silencing the world outside, and inside, them. It wasn’t a sweet kiss, it wasn’t just a brush of lips or a caress that could lead to something else: it was a kiss full of desperation, full of an hunger that wasn’t really easy to explain, because born from a desire that had been kept secret for so long, too long, and now that had finally found a way out, it couldn’t be stopped or held back.
Time stood silent, time stopped itself for nothing could break those two people, those two souls, that had finally found a way to merge and lean into each other until they surfaced as one; time let them be for a little while, as Nick recovered from that surprise and locked his arms around Brian’s waist, fingertips falling underneath his shirt and caressing that delicate and sensitive line where nerves would be light up and tremble underneath those touches.
“I’ve never thought… - Nick whispered in a breath, letting those thoughts rolling on his tongue before they could be let out. He didn’t want to break that atmosphere, he didn’t want that moment to fade, turning into a memory. But he couldn’t just not say anything. - I’ve never thought it could be so… so magical.” Nick’s hand travelled up, stopping when they reached Brian’s shoulder blades.
“What did you think then?”
“I’ve thought that we could be amazing. I’ve thought how so many times I wanted to lean down and taste your skin, especially this jaw line. - As Nick said that, his lips followed that line that had been part of so many dreams and fantasies. - I’ve thought about knocking at your door so many times, especially when I was so desperate and so in need of love. But even my wildest dream can’t come close to what this moment really feels like.”
“And you know what the amazing part is?”
“What is it?”
“That it doesn’t end. Not now. Not never. It can and it will go on as much and as many times we want.”
“I don’t want it to never end.”
“Then don’t stop.”
And Nick could only obliged, leaning down and silencing each and every voice that had started to raise its voice inside Brian: maybe he was just fooling himself but he still believed in it. He still believed that forever could happen.
*********
Morning came quickly, as if Brian had just closed his eyes before the sun was up again, caressing Nick’s skin and giving it a golden tone.
Had it be just a dream? Had he really driven for miles and miles and kissed Nick as if the world was about to end? Had Nick really replied to his kiss, shattering away all of his doubts and fears? Had he really forgotten about that nightmare still trying to come closer to him?
Before he could stop himself, Brian reached out and placed a hand on Nick’s face, cupping his cheek and feeling its warmth. It was true, then. It hadn’t been just a dream, amazing and colorful as it might be. It had been reality, a bittersweet one because if that, if them getting together hadn’t been a dream, then even the rest of that day hadn’t been a nightmare.
Quite ironically, his phone started vibrating from where he had left it the night before. Brian didn’t bother with checking who was calling him, he already had one or two thoughts about the caller’s identity and he still didn’t want to deal with it. The word, that particular word, started to crawl out from where he had sent it and, just like as it had been an annoying fly, Brian mentally smashed it with an invisible hand, turning his attention to the beautiful sleepy face that was just a few inches away from him.
How could he have been so blind? How could he have been so coward?
All those reasons that had seemed so right back then, now just seemed a pile of lies he had played himself with: he wasn’t ruining anyone’s reputation, he wasn’t trying to stain or taint Nick’s soul. Brian had been afraid and, sometimes, fear makes you do the most stupid things, wrapping them with an appearance of being right and good. Brian had been afraid and had run away, hoping that distance and time would heal all the hurt and pain he was leaving behind. They didn’t. That hurt and that destruction had followed him, becoming a silent companion that had weighed down on his back: he had been the one responsible and guilty of all those years of unhappiness, lengths and lengths that could have been undone if only he had been a little bit more selfish.
A little bit more courageous.
But he was now. Now all that mattered was healing and fixing all that he had broken so many years before, even and especially if it meant not to think about the mess that his life had suddenly turned out to be.
But not with Nick. But not now that he was holding Nick in his arms, watching him still caught inside sleep’s arms and seeing their future being painted on his face. They could do it, Brian was so damn sure about it. They could make it work, they could be what they’ve always meant to be and then… then he would slip away silently out of Nick’s life, knowing that he had given him all of his heart and soul for infinity. He wasn’t going to bring Nick into that other mess, that other bubble of pain and doubt, fear and losing; he wasn’t going to taint that beautiful thing they had, or were about to have, with thousand visits at the hospitals and treatments. He wasn’t going to make Nick sad once again, he wasn’t going to stand there and watch him crumble underneath the impossibility of doing something…
No, he couldn’t let those thoughts so out in the open. Brian mentally pushed them even more in the shadows, back where they belonged. And then leaned down until his lips could caress a sunray that had fallen directly upon Nick’s closed eyes: he kissed them, he kissed those light eyelashes that, almost imperceptible at first, fluttered and tried to guess that whose those touches belonged to.
And then a smile appeared on Nick’s face, when his almost awake mind reminded him where he was and who was lying in the bed with him. Brian.
“Am I still dreaming?” He whispered sleepily, his voice still rough and with a slight hint of disbelief and uncertainty.
“Depends. - Brian replied with an amused tone. - Does it feel like a dream?” Brian’s lips lingered above Nick’s mouth, tempting and testing as if they were little kids that just wanted to play with their friends.
Nick didn’t waste any second for replying. Propping up on one arm, he caught Brian’s face with the other hand, pushing him down enough so that they lips could meet properly and exchange a good morning that tasted like sweet real life.
“A little. You’ll have to convince me that it’s not one, though.”
“Mh… a hard job then.” Brian joked as he straddled Nick’s body and adjust his position so that he ended up being on top of him.
“It never discouraged you.” Nick’s voice changed tone, falling into a playful and malicious tone. He still couldn’t actually believe that it was happening, even though that weight, albeit lighter than it should have been, was something that couldn’t be made up by his mind; even though his hand were caressing Brian’s hips, lines and bones that he had only imagined to touch and feel underneath his tips.
For a brief second, something flashed inside Brian’s eyes. Nick didn’t catch it, his senses still wrapped around that moment. For a brief second Brian’s eyes lingered upon the cell phone, almost willing it to ring, almost challenging it to ruin that happiness. Nick’s word rang within him, vibrated with a taunt that was hard not to resist, not pushing it back and never thought about it.
There was a hard quest in front of him and why was he running away from it?
“I’m not running away. - Brian told himself as he quickly silenced those doubts by kissing Nick once again, this time with more passion and hunger. A thirst that had yet to be satisfied and that Brian believed it would never be. - I’m not running away. I’m just… resting. Gearing up all the happiness and love I can before I have to go down and fight.”
Brian brushed his nose tip along Nick’s jaw, inhaling his scent as if he just wanted to preserve it into his memory. “The only thing that had always discouraged me was thinking that… that I couldn’t do it. Or that I still shouldn’t have done it. But I don’t care anymore. I won’t care anymore about nothing more than you and me.”
“What do you mean?” Nick asked in confusion, although that confession melts something inside him, an ice that had been wrapped safely around his heart so he wouldn’t be hurt again.
“About those million reasons why I shouldn’t do this. But they don’t matter anymore, Nick.”
“So you won’t regret this?” Nick had to ask. Nick had to take a step back and lock his eyes with Brian’s, the only way he knew to be sure that those next words wouldn’t turn out to be lies.
“No.” Just a word. Just a syllable. But Brian’s voice never had been that secure, that determined before. Never his eyes had held that clearness before, like a perfect summer day.
“You’re hundred percent sure?”
“Yes. I won’t regret this. I won’t wake up one day and realize that it was the biggest mistake of my life. Pretty sure that there are thousands of things already competing for winning that title.”
The smile Brian gave at the end of his words reassured Nick and all he could do was leaning down and stole that smile away, stole those lips curving and tasting as if they had stolen, in return, the warmth of the sun. To Nick Brian always smelled, tasted and looked like summer, a breeze of normality in a world that had always been far away from that.
“I won’t regret it either.” Nick promised, wondering where that security came from; wondering if it was the right thing to say at that moment, at the beginning of what could be the greatest thing but, at the same time, it could be the most destructive one.
But thoughts and logic couldn’t exist in that moment. Brian’s lips were addictive. Brian’s body was a blank canvas, thrumming and waiting for his hands to write and draw lines and words of love and desire
“Let’s go away. You and me. A couple of days, away from everything and everyone.”
It was impossible not to be affected by Brian’s enthusiasm. Just like the old times, just like all those times when the oldest would propose something to a petulant and unhappy younger Nick and still managed to convince him. Even now, Nick’s happiness was already flying to the roof, although there was something, so small that it was almost impossible to notice, that wanted to speak up. But Nick dismissed it very quickly, he didn’t want to ruin that frail equilibrium with questions and discussions that needed to be said.
Not right away.
“And where were you thinking we can go?” Nick’s lips caressed Brian’s jaw line, oh so slowly that a shiver of pleasure ran down his spine.
“Wherever.”
“It’s a little bit vague.”
“Then let’s just jump in the car and drive along the coast. An adventure.”
Now Nick started to get a little bit worried. Concerned. Eyebrows frowned, he looked at Brian trying to decipher what was setting off his alarms: it wasn’t like him, usually he had been the one proposing adventures and going off without telling anyone where they were going, while Brian had always been the one doing the right thing. What was going on? Nick searched in those blues, searched in that smile that was almost as bright as the sun and warm, so warm that every ounce of resistance melted as if it was just ice, a candle that had been burned off. He didn’t find anything, but maybe that was because he couldn’t think, caught by that stare and that hunger that was finally being satisfied; he didn’t find anything but, for once, he didn’t care because the most important thing was that Brian was finally there.
With him.
A telephone started to vibrate and a spark of fear spiked within Nick. Was someone trying to steal Brian away from him once again? Before he could tell himself to ignore those thought, his body acted in defense: with a swift move, Nick rolled both of them so that he was the one lying on top of Brian, his hands sliding down that smooth skin and tasting something that he had always dared to dream; lips covered every inch of that undiscovered land and those shivers, those fireworks that sparked and didn’t hurt, were the ultimately proof that there wasn’t nothing wrong.
It felt like heaven being this close. It felt like paradise. It felt as if they were finally tasting the most inebriating drug, a sweet wine that wasn’t going to ruin the afterward or the waking up.
It felt perfect. And so Nick didn’t ask. Didn’t wonder. He let himself be washed over Brian’s love, believing that it couldn’t be wrong running away from awhile. They had all the time now and they had already wasted so many years.
They had all the time in the world. At least, that was what Nick believed.