Chapter Thirteen: I’ll Be

As we lie awake in my bed. You're my survival you're my living proof. My love is alive and not dead. Tell me that we belong together. Dress it up in the trappings of love. I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips. Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above. I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead. Tuned in, turned on, remembered the thing you said. I'll be your cryin' shoulder. I'll be love suicide. I'll be better when I'm older. I'll be the greatest fan of your life. ( I’ll Be – Edwin McCain)

Alyssa opened her eyes slowly adjusting to the light of the room. She turned a little hoping to see Nick behind her but only saw rumpled bed sheets. She smiled knowing he must have gotten up early to throw off the guys so they wouldn’t catch them lying in bed together. They’d gotten pretty good at keeping their relationship under wraps at least where the guys were concerned.

Her hotel room adjoined his so it made it simpler to be alone together when everyone thought they were in their separate rooms. She relaxed loving that she didn’t have to get up right away…since she was in her hotel room. She was beginning not to like the arrangement they had, being together romantically only the two of them and well Lori and Kellie and a few others knowing about them. She knew he didn’t like it either. So why did she think it was necessary to keep up pretenses?

Meanwhile Nick sat in the black SUV as they drove to yet another radio station, the third that day. He hated leaving her this morning without waking her, but she looked so peaceful…happy even.

It got to him a lot of times, that she hadn’t told him yet…it was already April and they’d been together for nearly seven months. He knew she loved him…saw it in her eyes every time she looked at him, felt it when they kissed. He wanted just three little words that was it. He guessed she was afraid still... of losing him like what happened with Collin. He hated that she couldn’t let the past go. He knew she was going to take a long time to realize how much she needed him. He just didn’t think it would be taking so long.

“So…how’s Ali doing?” AJ asked bringing Nick out of his stare off into space.

He looked over at him, “She’s fine, she likes to travel besides she’s been busy grading papers.”

“No I meant how are you and her doing…” AJ replied back.

“Oh…we’re fine…just don’t get a lot of time to spend talking since she’s working and I’m working.”

AJ rolled his eyes, “Are you and her…ya know together…Brian thinks that you two are.”

“What do you mean by ‘together’?”

AJ sighed, “Well you two always look at each other…hell you’re always staring at her.”

Nick smiled a little he knew that at least AJ would call him on how he stared at Alyssa constantly, “Well it’s a habit.”

‘Why?”

He laughed a little, “When she was going through all that crap, and after she hurt herself I watched her like a hawk to make sure she wouldn’t try it again. It just sort of became a habit.”

“She stares at you too.”

“She what?” He asked he didn’t know Alyssa watched him.

AJ laughed, “Yeah man, she watches your every move, all of us guys have seen her do it. That and she is totally in love with you, that gooey look she gets around you is a dead giveaway.”

“Gooey look?” Nick asked completely amused.

“Well yeah like she wants to jump you or something.”

He laughed at him, “Yeah right Alex.”

“I’m serious man."

Later that afternoon…

Alyssa hurriedly packed her belongings. She couldn’t believe she’d let herself be so blind. So blind not to see how bad things were becoming. She had to get there had to help.

Nick and the guys walked down the hallway joking as they walked towards their rooms all of them a little tired from all the interviews they had, and thankful that they had a couple hours to chill before sound check.

Nick stopped laughing as he saw two of Alyssa’s bags, packed and left outside her door. Nick saw Alyssa come out of her room with her third bag, her laptop bag setting it down. “Ali what’s going on?” He asked completely concerned.

Alyssa looked up her eyes a little red and puffy from crying earlier. “I have to go home.” She said plainly.

“To LA?” Kevin asked a little disappointed he’d really come to enjoy having Alyssa around, especially since she kept Nick pretty well occupied.

She sighed, “No, to Arizona….” She paused biting her lip as she walked back in her hotel room to stuff her back pack with her CD player and various odds and ends she couldn’t fit in her other luggage.

Nick knew immediately that something must have happened with her parents or she wouldn’t be reacting quite like that. He followed her into the room as the guys circled around the door, “Lissa what happened?” He asked placing his hands on her shoulders making her stop to look at him.

She looked at him seeing how concerned he was, “It came back…”

“What came back?” Howie asked wondering what the hell she was talking about.

Alyssa glanced over to him and then back to Nick, “My dad’s been sick since August…the cancer came back….he didn’t tell me because he didn’t think it was a big deal….but its worse than they thought because they’re stopping chemotherapy.” Alyssa explained biting her bottom lip forcing the tears that stung her eyes not to come out.

Nick immediately felt like he’d been hit by a line backer, her father was sick at her graduation…at Christmas and they hadn’t noticed too wrapped up in each other to realize that her father might be dying. “I’m going with you.” Nick stated firmly.

“No you aren’t.” Alyssa corrected.

“What?” He asked a little pissed she’d told him no.

Alyssa sighed, “You have work to do, the tour only has a week left or so…when you’re done come out but not until then.”

“Yeah man after the tour all our radio interviews and things are going to be by phone so it’ll be fine.” Kevin reassured. “In fact we’ll all come out there with you.” Kevin noticed the worried look on Alyssa’s face he remembered feeling like that when he had to go home when his father was dying.

Nick pulled Alyssa into a hug willing himself not to cry, a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach already telling him that this was going to be a real test for her, himself and their relationship. He kissed her forehead and pulled away a little, “I’ll take you to the airport…when’s your flight?” He asked. The guys stared at them acutely aware of how protective Nick was being with her.

“In an hour and a half.”

“Ok let’s get going then security is going to be a bitch to get through.” He said taking her hand leading her past the guys grabbing the two heaviest bags.

“Be safe ok?” Kevin asked smiling a little as each of the guys gave her a hug. In the few months they’d known her she’d become their little sister…someone to protect.

“I will, I’ll call Nick’s cell phone when I get there ok?” She replied returning Kevin’s smile with a tight lipped fake one.

The whole way to the airport was spent in silence as Alyssa stared out the window holding onto Nick’s hand as he played with her fingers. He took her to security after two of her bags had been checked stopping a few feet from where the line began. He looked down at her from under his baseball hat and kissed her slowly wishing he could go with her. He broke away a second later, “I love you so much.”

She smiled at him a little trailing her hand over his cheek before pulling him back down into a kiss. “I’ll call when I get to my parents place ok?”

He pulled her closer not wanting to let her go seeing the tears beginning to form in her eyes, “Ok, call me anytime day or night…if you need anything I’m here ok?” He replied bringing his hands up to cup her face wiping away a few tears with his thumbs.

“You know I will…I can’t survive without you.” She admitted.

He grinned a little happy that she at least gave him some inkling of how she felt, “I know, be safe.”

“I will.” She said leaning up to give him a quick kiss before walking away.

“I love you.” He said as she walked away unsure if he heard her.

Alyssa smiled a little as she walked away and replied under her breath, “I love you too.”

That night…

Mary heard the doorbell ring walking over opening surprised to see Alyssa standing on the other side, “Honey, what’s wrong?”

Alyssa walked in throwing her bags on the floor not caring one bit if she broke something, “Why didn’t you tell me!?” She exclaimed she knew she shouldn’t yell but she was tired and angry.

Mary sighed, “Your father didn’t want you kids to know that he was sick…he didn’t want you to worry.”

Alyssa immediately looked indignant, “Why did I have to learn from my BROTHER that my own FATHER is dying!”

“Because I asked Clark to call you, he’s here with Lori already, Olivia and Angela will be here in the morning, Kellie’s in town as well…”

“The guys are coming too as soon as the tour is over which is this weekend.” Alyssa added.

“Why don’t you call Aaron, Leslie, Angel, and Bobbie, I’m sure they’d come stay as well.”

Alyssa nodded in agreement, “I better call Nick…” She said before trudging up the stairs to the bedroom she grew up in. She walked in seeing all the posters on her walls. Movie posters mainly, she had all her favorites up there, Star Wars, Pretty Woman….The Nightmare Before Christmas. She smiled to herself seeing the poster reminding her of Nick.

She looked out the window seeing her father down at the barbecue grill...to the casual observer he didn’t act sick...but he looked it... his face pale his once bright green eyes now faded and clouded with pain. But he hid it well. She walked over to her bed that remained in the corner of the room and sat down on the light blue comforter. She pulled out her sidekick hitting the speed dial to call him.

“Hello?” Howie answered.

Alyssa smiled into the phone, “Hey D...it’s Ali...Carter there?”

“Hey Ali, yeah he’s here let me go get him.” Howie replied before walking out of the dressing room seeing Nick signing autographs. He walked up and said, “Nick it’s Ali.”

Nick took the phone from him, “Thanks D....Lissa what’s up?” He asked into the phone cradling it as he signed a couple more autographs before Frank tapped him on the shoulder signaling it was time to go.

“I’m at my parents place, Lori and Clark are here already....I’m going to call your siblings see if I can get them out here too.”

Nick sighed as he walked out to the bus getting on it, “How’s your dad?” He asked sitting down on the couch in the back next to the other guys.

“I haven’t gone in to check on him yet...he’s actually cooking if you can believe that. He’s on morphine to keep him out of pain but he won’t let that stop him. When I had talked to him on the phone when I was at the airport he’d told me that if he’s gonna go, he’s gonna go out with a bang...so expect a party or something like that.” Alyssa replied trying her best not to cry.

Nick noticed the slight waiver in her voice, “Hey...don’t worry I’ll be there in a couple days.”

“I know it’s just I wish you were here right now....I don’t think I’ve ever....” Alyssa trailed off.

“Ever what?” He asked.

‘Loved someone so much’ she thought, she decided against saying that and instead replied, “Needed you this much.”

He smiled a little into the phone, “I’ll be there before you know it. OK?”

Alyssa sniffled a little, “Yeah call me later tonight.”

“What time is it there?”

“8:30.”

“It’s 11:30 here.”

“I know three hours, call me before you go to sleep ok?”

“Ok....be careful and tell your dad that we’re all coming out soon.”

Alyssa smiled, “Ok.” She replied pressing the end button disconnecting the call.

Nick set his sidekick down, he knew that if he tried to say that he loved her on the phone that she’d probably freak out on him. Especially since the guys were in the room. He just wished she’d say it....just once.

Later that night....

Nick picked up his sidekick...he couldn’t sleep. He needed to hear her voice. He dialed her number hearing it ring smiling when he heard her pick it up. “God I needed to hear your voice...” He replied.

Alyssa giggled a little and smiled into the phone, “Needed to hear my voice or looking for phone sex?”

He laughed, “No I can’t sleep....without you here....”

“I know what you mean...I can’t get comfortable that and my pajamas are all constrictive.” She admitted.

“You got used to sleeping naked huh?”

“Yeah and in this house sleeping naked isn’t exactly an option.”

He smiled a little into the phone, “Well you’d be naked if I were there.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes, “Is that all you think about?”

“Lissa...” He began.

“Don’t say that...” Alyssa interjected.

“Don’t say what?”

Alyssa sighed, “My name like that.”

“Why?” He asked.

She sighed again thinking a moment, “Because it makes me miss you more.”

“I know….the guys were giving me a hard time about you today.”

She smiled a little, “What did they say?”

“Brian is convinced that something is going on with us….Alex is beginning to think so too. That and they heard us the other night.”

“Heard us?”

“Yeah I told them that it was just some girl I met at a club Kevin and Howie bought it, Brian and Alex are suspicious.”

Alyssa laughed a little, “You sound frustrated.”

“I am, I really want to just tell them about us, I hate lying to them.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes, “I know, I don’t like it either but now is definitely not the right time to tell them and you know why we haven’t.”

“I know, I know….I just….I love you and you know me I don’t like keeping things a secret from my friends.”

Alyssa sighed, “I know you don’t….but we will eventually ok?”

“When?” He asked he knew he wasn’t going to get an answer from her.

She rolled her eyes, “When the time is right I promise you.”

He smiled into the phone glad that she gave him a little something, “God I miss you…” He unintentionally said out loud.

“What are you doing right now?” She asked as she shifted against the pillows on her bed.

He smirked a little, “Lying in the hotel bed….you?”

“I’m in bed too in my old bedroom…You know I kinda wish I would have kept the posters of you up in my room.” She said laughing a little remembering when her room used to be covered in Backstreet posters until she turned 16.

“Why…?” He asked a little amused by her statement.

She laughed a little more, “It’d be more like you were here….although you have changed quite a bit from the scrawny 16-year-old I met.”

He rolled his eyes he knew he’d changed he thought that most of the changes weren’t the best but he was still comfortable with himself. “How so?” He asked wanting to know what she thought of the way he looked. She never really talked about looks with him…since she never really cared he didn’t think.

“Oh please you know you’re good looking.”

He laughed, “You know me and that I think I’m just normal…nothing special.”

She laughed at him rolling her eyes, “Google yourself….better yet Google your ass girls seem to love it for some odd reason.” Alyssa replied with more than a hint of sarcasm.

He had to laugh, “What?”

“There are fan sites on the web dedicated to not only you but to certain body parts….some of which I thoroughly enjoy.” She replied giggling a little.

“Oh my God…I’ve never understood the fascination with me.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes and giggled a little, “Hmmm let’s see you’re hella talented musically and otherwise, got a great smile, good sense of humor, the tattoos and piercings are a plus….” She paused thinking a moment.

“And?” He prompted enjoying the considerable ego boost she was giving him.

“And what? You were cute when you were 16...”

He laughed a little, “Yeah scrawny and annoying? Reminds me of Aaron.”

Alyssa laughed at him, “You were only annoying some of the time....and now....”

He smiled a little curious to what she’d say, “Liss just say what you’re thinking.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes, “What I can’t think that my boyfriend is hot and irresistible?”

“Boyfriend?” He was a little shocked she’d called him that, she’d never said it before then.

Alyssa caught herself, “Damn I was hoping you wouldn’t catch that.”

“I did....so does that mean you’re my girlfriend?”

Alyssa rolled her eyes laughing a little, “....Yeah....if you want me....”

“You know I do. Question is do you want me.”

She smiled, “Who wouldn’t?”

He laughed a little, “What?”

“I said who wouldn’t want you? Seriously now you may not think so but I’m not the only one who wants you. Talented...intelligent...and hot what’s not to want?”

“God stop it...I’m....”

“Don’t say that you aren’t. You are. I love that you act all dumb in public and hide how intelligent you really are. Seriously you don’t realize what I see in you do you?” She interjected.

He blushed a little, “I could say the same about you....I’ve watched you grow from a little girl into a stunningly beautiful woman.”

Now it was her turn to blush. “What do you see in me?”

“Everything...my best friend...”

“No I mean why are you attracted to me?”

He rolled his eyes at her modesty about herself, “Have you looked in the mirror?”

“Yeah, I don’t see anything special.”

He rolled his eyes again shifting on the bed. “I’ve always been attracted to you in one way or another. Especially after you grew up...damn...you’re the type of woman I’ve always said I wanted.”

“And what type is that?”

“Alright I’m going to level with you....you’re intelligent, sexy as hell, feisty...caring.... what more could anyone want?”

She smiled, “You think I’m sexy?”

“I’m a guy Lissa I have eyes, I love what I see. Besides no one else knows what you look and sound like when I’m...”

“God don’t get me started about that...” Alyssa interrupted feeling that dull ache wishing he was there with her. “You have no idea what you do to me do you?”

“Why don’t you enlighten me then?...”

Two days later....

Nick stared at the photo in his hands the edges worn from holding it. He smiled at it tracing her silhouette with his thumb as he looked at it seeing Alyssa smiling at him as they sat staring at each other on the edge of a stage, she had her hair up in a messy bun and wore her ‘nerd’ glasses as she liked to call her light blue tinted fake glasses. He remembered it well Andre had taken it at the first show’s sound check just a month and a half before. Kristin and Leighanne flopped down on either side of Nick in the airport as they awaited their flight. “So, what’s the deal with you two?” Leighanne asked.

“What?”

Kristin laughed a little, “You may be able to fool them but you can’t fool us. You two have been sneaking around with each other.” She explained.

His eyes grew wide as he looked at them both, “How?”

“Well we did the math, all the nights that you said you’d met a girl at a club, you had gone with Alyssa and comeback with her.” Leighanne began.

Kristin smiled at his expression, “Also we met her when she was still a virgin, and she isn’t now. And well you two aren’t the quietest of people.”

“Damn…” He spoke as he looked over at the others, “Do they know?”

They both smiled at him, “No, we decided that if you two had tried this hard to keep it a secret that we’d honor that….” Leighanne comforted.

“However, you have to tell them eventually. We know you love her.”

“But does she love me?”

Leighanne smiled, “You think she’d sleep with you if she didn’t?”

“Or whisper that she loves you right after you fall asleep?” Kristin added.

He rolled his eyes, “She does not do that.”

“Umm yeah she does honey we saw it. You had fallen asleep on the couch and she thought no one else was around so she kissed you and said it.” Leighanne explained putting her hand on his shoulder.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because we thought you should know that we know about you two and we’re willing to help you out.”

He looked at them, “How?”

“First of all we’ll keep those four busy so you can spend time with her…”Kristin replied then looked at Leighanne.

“The rest is up to you…”

Meanwhile…

Bobbie walked over seeing Alyssa lounging on a chair in the shade talking with Angel. She smiled and walked over to them under the big willow tree in the backyard she plopped down next to them and laughed. “Seriously now, Bobbie don’t you think Ali and Nick would be perfect together.”

Alyssa blushed trying to brush off the comment, “Ok Ang I think we’ve tortured her enough.” Bobbie chided laughing a little bit.

“Thank God.” Alyssa exclaimed before taking a sip of her lemonade.

“So when did you lose your virginity?”

Alyssa choked, “WHAT?!? Wait you can’t just assume that…I’m not a…”

Bobbie and Angel laughed, “Ok so how long have you enjoyed having sex with our older brother?”

Alyssa stared at them both wide eyed, “Ummm what are you talking about?”

“I saw you together, his hands were up your shirt and your hand was down his jeans.” Bobbie countered.

Alyssa felt her heartbeat quicken and her breathing become shallow, “When?”

Bobbie laughed a little noticing Alyssa’s demeanor shift. “Well when Aaron, Ang and I visited back in February I had gone to the bathroom that night and I guess you two hadn’t closed the door all the way because when I came to it I saw you two like that and well I was a little shocked.”

“Damn does anyone else know?”

“No I didn’t tell Leslie or Aaron…especially since he’d freak out since he’s all in love with you.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes, “Thanks and why does he still try, he knows that I won’t go for it.”

“I think he knows that but he enjoys watching Nick squirm when he tries to put the moves on you. He thinks that by doing that it’ll get him a chance to get there before Nick.”

Alyssa laughed a little, “Little late for that.” She replied as the three of them busted out laughing.