I’ve been sitting in my windowsill for days now, just staring out the window. Jesse’s been gone for a week; it seems like it’s been an eternity. My sister and father are downstairs with Jesse’s mom. They’ve all been worried about me; they think I’m holding too much in, they think I need to let it all out before it overwhelms me. I’d say it’s a little too late for that. I keep rethinking the moment I opened the door to two police officers. I knew the moment I saw them what was wrong; they took off their hats and ask if I was Laura Harris. I was apprehensive before I answered, I though maybe for a time being, if I pretended I was someone else then I wouldn’t have to realize what was happening to me. I didn’t want to know what was behind door number one. They told me his car -they estimated- flipped six times; he was gone before the ambulance ever got there. It’s funny how things can all change in a matter of minutes, seconds to be exact. In the blink of an eye everything you cherish, hold dear is gone. Your life as you thought you knew it. Jesse and I were to be married in June. But now I sit by myself wondering if Jesse was ever real? Did he exist? I can still see him when I close my eyes, but was it real?

I can hear my sister Roxi’s footsteps coming down the hall; she tends to stomp when she walks so you can always tell it’s her. She thinks I need to move to Orlando with her and my father, she told me I could move my practice up there and start over from scratch. But the truth is, they’re just scared to leave me alone. I’ve made her feel better by telling her I’d go and stay a couple months, but I have no intention of moving.

“Laura,” Roxi said through the door crack,

“Yeah?” I said without turning around.

“We wanted to know if you wanna eat something?”

“No thanks,” I said continuing to look out the window.

“Laura, you haven’t eaten in two days, unless you want to join Jesse in the cemetery I suggest you eat.” I turned my head to look at her, she had her beautiful coal black hair tied up in a loose ponytail, the black eyeliner that she wore made her blue eyes almost look translucent. She had a ring on every finger and black nail polish. You could say she was a bit eccentric; the total opposite of me, the wildest I got was wearing a miniskirt and painting my nails fire engine red. Roxi had been a backup dancer for the Backstreet Boys for the past few years, it suits her well, she is a modern day gypsy, she inherited it from our father. We had traveled all over the world with him. Our mother had died when Roxi and I were both young. It wrecked our father, I guess you could say he never got over the loss, he just kept running from it. I’m scared that if I leave Miami I’ll do the same.

“Laura,” Roxi said in a more sensitive tone, “please come down,”

I followed my sister down the hall, it had been the same hall I walked up and down everyday, but today it seemed like something I had never seen before. It was longer then usual, the walls seemed to close in around me making me claustrophobic, the wood floors creaked under my feet, and I could hear low murmurs. For a moment I thought I might be dreaming, that this was some kind of nightmare, that I’d wake up drenched and screaming and Jesse would be lying next to me calming me down, telling me it was just a dream. But this wasn’t the first time I thought of it as a dream, it crossed my mind when the policemen were telling me what happened, then again at the funeral, I thought for sure I’d wake up at the cemetery. But I didn’t. This nightmare just goes on and on.

My father is sitting at my kitchen table with his head in his hands. Pondering I’m sure, he’s the only one in this room that could have a single notion of what I’m feeling, he’s been feeling it for the past twenty years. Jesse’s mother Claire is cleaning up the kitchen, I’m not sure what there was to clean, she might just be washing the same dishes over and over again,

“Laura, what can I make you?” Claire said walking over to me and placing a hand on my shoulder.

“I’m not hungry Claire, but thank you,”

“You need to eat Laura,” Dad said putting his hands down

“I’m not…”

“Please Laura,” a voice said coming in through the living room. I turned my head to see who it was,

“Sophie,” I whimpered.

Sophie had been my dad’s second wife; he met her when we moved to France, she had been the only one out of the three my father would marry after her that I truly loved. She had been the closest thing to a mother I had.

“I’m sorry I could not make it to Jesse’s funeral, I couldn’t get a flight out of Paris until now,” she said wrapping her arms around me, “I’ll be staying here for as long as you need me Laura,”

“Thank you Sophie, but I’m leaving for Orlando tomorrow, I’m going back there to be with Roxi and Dad,” I said looking over at my sister and father.

“And that’s where I’ll be too,” she said kissing me on the forehead.

And there it hit me, the reason they were all here, the three people I loved the most minus Jesse. My dad my sister and my ex-step mother who came all the way from France. They were all there looking at me, with pathetic looks on their faces. It dawned on me, they were all worried, that was to be expected, but in a different way, I had done something in my past, something that hung over everyone. And now my family stands in front of me, and I ask the question. Should I be afraid? They all knew something I didn’t realize until now, and now it made me scared…Should I be afraid of myself?

I watched my sister load up my car, she insisted that she drive me to Orlando, I told her I could drive my own car sense she had hers to take back as well. She informed me that Sophie offered to drive her car back to Orlando so that Roxi could be the wonderful sister she was and drive me. I cringed at the thought of my sister driving my BMW, but I figured there was no use arguing with her.

“Is this all you’re going to take Laura? I think you forgot the kitchen sink!” Roxi said trying to close the trunk.

“Yeah, I figured you didn’t have room in your flat for that,” I said gingerly. “So why didn’t Jamie stay so he could drive your car back, so Sophie didn’t have too?” I asked leaning on the side of the car. Jamie was our half brother, he belongs to wife number three, Maggie; or as Roxi and I addressed her, “Medusa.” Jamie was only sixteen and just moved to Florida to live with our father, his mother lived in London and was going to move to Japan with Jamie’s step-father, so Jamie decided that he wanted to move in with dad. Little did he know what he was getting himself into...?

“Because Jamie had to get back to school today, that’s why he left last night.” Roxi said looking down at four more suitcases she needed to find room for. “Don’t worry about Sophie, I’ve hooked her up with some Books on Tap, she’ll be fine for the next three hours,”

“Books on Tap?” I said lowering my shades, “Roxi, the only Books on Tap you have are of or in reference to the Kama Sutra,” I said giggling

“I read other books too!” she said shooting up like a lightning built

“Name one,”

“Well…” she said standing there pondering, “I have this one called “What you didn’t know about The Kama Sutra”

I burst into laughter for the first time in days, “Oh Roxi,” I said shaking my head,

“It’s good to see you laugh again,” She said giving me reassuring rub on the arm.

“So what did you give Sophie?”

“I stole some of your boring Books on Tap told her they were mine and she said ‘Wow Roxi, I didn’t know you were interested in physiognomy of biophysics””

I hunched myself over trying to contain my hysteria, “and wh…at…did… you say,” said as I came up for air.

“I told her I was enthralled by psychic revulsion!” the sides of her mouth started to twitch, “How the hell was I supposed to know what the hell physiognomy of biophysics meant?” she said laughing at herself. “But I also gave her one of the Kama Sutra books, just in case she gets bored!”

By this time I was ready to roll on the floor. I’d forgotten how much my sister could make me laugh, it didn’t matter what the situation might be at hand, she was my light at the end of the tunnel.

“Well, we better get going,” She said opening the driver’s side door, “Do you have everything?”

“I think,” I said looking back at the house. They say before you die your life flashes before your eyes. I believe your life flashes before your eyes while you’re still alive; in those poignant moments before you close the door to your past and open the door to your future. I saw Jesse standing on the porch, leaning up against the banister with his arms crossed; His hair the color of spun gold in the sunlight, and his blue eyes piercing down on me. Telling me it was okay, okay to leave, to move on…

“Laura, are you alright?” Roxi said behind me

“Yeah, I’m ready,”
________________________________________________

“So what time did Dad and Jamie leave last night?” I asked kicking off my shoes and putting my feet on the dash

“Oh, Jamie left around seven-thirty, dad didn’t go with him.” Roxi said trying to find a radio station.

“What do you mean Dad didn’t go with him?”

“I mean he didn’t leave,”

“Didn’t Jamie and Dad come together?”

“Yeah, Jamie took Dad’s car back,”

“Wait, so where’s Dad?” I said looking at Roxi puzzled

“Oh, he’s with Sophie,”

“What?”

“Yeah, they’re both going together. What’s the problem?” she said looking over at me

“Roxi, do you understand you left Sophie in a car with dad, psychology and Kama Sutra?!”

“Oh shit!” Roxi laughed

“Their either going to make it to Orlando frisky or have killed one another and it will be on your conscious,” I said trying to contain my laughter, “Why didn’t she just ride with us?”

“And where would she ride, on the roof? You’ve packed every piece of clothing you have, there's barley room for the two of us,” she said gesturing her head to the backseat. “Plus, I wanted to spend one on one time with you, it’s been over a year sense we’ve just hung out,”

“True,” I said looking at the backseat, “So tell me about your life, sense you already know about mine. Tell me how do you like being a backup dancer?”

“I love it! God, the guys are so nice! Theirs five of them, Howie is the nice and calm guy, very respectful. Then there’s Brian, who’s just as nice and respectful. Kevin is the dad of the group, he reprimands! Then Nick, who’s the total prankster, always playing a prank on someone, then there is AJ,” her mouth twitched as she said his name, “He’s just awesome! He’s sweet and funny, smart but witty. And oh my god he’s cute!”

“So I’m guessing you fancy this AJ?” I said lowering my sunglasses.

“Kinda, sorta, I don’t know. We just click, ya know? It’s just fun. And I also got my first tattoo with him!”

“Really? Let me guess you got a…”

“Tramp stamp!” she laughed, “You know Laura, you judge to harshly,”

“I know, I’m so judgmental,” I said rolling my eyes

“I should invite them over sometime, you’d love them. You know what? I think I will,” she said smiling over at me.

“You do that,” I said leaning my seat back, “But for now, I’m going to take a nap.”
_____________________________________________________

‘Where are we?” I said stretching my arms over my head

“We’re in Orlando dear sister,” she said looking over at me and smiled.

“Jeeze, I slept the whole way?” I said yawning

“Yeah, probably the only rest you’ve gotten in the past week,”

“Probably,” I said looking out the window, “Where are we exactly?”

“Oh, I have to make a quick stop here at the studio, Nina the dance choreographer left a message on my cell to meet her here at the studio as soon as I got into town. It’ll probably only take a minute, you can wait in the car if you like,” Roxi said opening the car door

“Yes I would like;” I said putting my shades back on

“Alright then, I’ll only be a minute,” she said taking the keys out of the ignition and running off, cause heaven forbid I steal my own car. I wonder if she’s afraid I’ll take it and drive off a cliff or something? I’ll have to reassure her about that. I leaned back in my seat preparing to take yet another nap when something caught my attention. It was a tall blonde, he was moving his hands around in an odd way, but then I realized he was trying to light his cigarette, his back side looked like Jesse’s, not much of an ass, but still fun to look at. Then all the sudden he turned and looked at me. My mouth dropped as I looked at him, his blonde hair, his blue eyes the way he walked around; the way he held his cigarette, it all looked familiar, a girl walked past him and he cocked his head and smiled. It was that smile I’d seen everyday for the past four years, no one had a smile like that, I knew it. It was full of mischief that twinkles in the eye; Blonde then ran his fingers through his hair, god dammit just like Jesse, down to his black leather jacket. He turned away from me now, no, please don’t! I have to look at you, if I were a crazy person I’d say it was Jesse, it had to be? Who else could it be? But your not crazy Laura, not anymore anyway… you’re just tired, and miss Jesse; he probably looks nothing like him. But my head obviously wasn’t talking to my heart, because unconsciously I jumped out of the car, and I ran up to him,

“Jesse, Jesse,” I yelled, he didn’t turn around, what’s wrong? He didn’t know me? How could he not remember me?

“Jesse,” I said grabbing his arm.

Blonde turned around and looked at me with a puzzled look.
“Who?” He said looking down at me; his face, just like Jesse’s.

“You can’t be him,” unconsciously I said out-loud

“Who can’t I be?” he said continuing to look down at me, he was about 6’1 at the least, the same height the same built. I must be losing my mind,

“I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else,” I said stepping back

“Oh…” he said looking me over, “Are you alright you look like your going too…”

My knees gave out, the last thing I remember seeing was his hands trying to catch me…

“Miss, can you hear me, Miss,” my eyes wouldn’t focus on the face; it looked like he had two heads, flouting in oblivious. This time the two headed man shook me, “Miss! Are you alright?”

“Yes….I think,” I said trying to stand up. Not quite the smartest of moves, because I fell right back down…

“Wow,” two heads said placing his hand behind my back, “Not quite ready for that yet,”

“Obviously,” I squinting

“How many fingers am I holding up?” he asked

I’m not sure that was the greatest question he could have asked, considering I see two floating heads in front of me, “Four?” I said squinting to see two flouting hands holding up two fingers.

“Close enough,” he said lowering his hand or hands, “Do you think you can stand?”

“I don’t know,”

“What if I helped you?” he said standing up towering over me

“Maybe, but I think you should grab my hand considering that I see two hands out stretched to me, and I’m not sure which to choose,” I said closing my eyes and reopening them.

“Alright then,” I heard a faint chuckle in his voice, I do have to admit, it was probably pretty damn funny looking down at me. Instead of grabbing me by the arm, he leaned down and grabbed me around the waist then lifted me up,

“Are you alright?” he said looking down at me

I felt the warmth of his body against me and clung to it unconsciously, “I don’t know, but I will be,” I said trying to see if I could stand on my own, my legs were wobbly, like a new born animal, but he grabbed me by the arms so I could balance

“Thank you,” I said finally seeing that the ground had stopped moving under my feet

“What happened?” he said continuing to hold onto me

“I don’t…. I don’t know, I blacked out,” I said looking up at him for the first time. Oh Laura, he’s not Jesse.

“You were calling me…”

“Jesse,” I said looking down, “I’m sorry, I…”

“LAURA!” I heard Roxi’s voice screech, “What happened?” she said examining me like a child

“I…”

“She lost her balance,” Blonde said looking over at my sister, “That’s all, I little accident.” He said smiling down at me

“What were you doing out of the car?” she said looking at me sternly, who knew my little sister could be so motherly. I can’t say I appreciated it.

“I waved her out, there was a Robin’s nest in that tree over there,” Blonde said pointing out a tree behind us,

“Laura is that true?” she said looking suspiciously at blonde, I wondered if they’d known each other, could have been an ex for all I knew. But Roxi was irritating me with her motherly acts, and blonde did lead a good alibi

“Yes,” my voice was a little weak, I still hadn’t gotten myself all back together yet, “He was pointing at the nest, and I just lost my balance, probably because I haven’t eaten sense yesterday.” I said in the most reassuring voice I could muffle, but even blonde who didn’t know me saw right through it,

“Well then, we need to get you home,” Roxi said taking my hand, “Thank you Nick, her skull might have been smashed open if you hadn’t been here,”

“Oh please,” Blonde said with a wave, “I believe if I hadn’t been here, she might have never gotten hurt,”

He looked over at me, those blue eyes piercing through my skin, as if he could see into the depths of my soul, “Thank you,” I said under my breath as Roxi led me to the car,

“You’re welcome,” his lips moved back to me, never taking his eyes off me, or my soul…
___________________________________________________

I walked into my sisters two bedroom apartment. And it was exactly that, my living room was probably the size of her whole apartment. You walked in through the front door, and to your left was the living room, to your right the two bedrooms with a bathroom in the middle, and straight ahead, the kitchen. You could see the whole house from the front door. She really was my father’s child…

“The room on the left is yours, sorry I didn’t have more time to clean up,” she said throwing her keys and purse in a pile on the floor,

“It’s ok Roxi, quite I charming place,” I said lifting up a bra off the back of a chair, “Suits you,” I said laying it back down gingerly

“Well, I never got your house cleaning methods, I guess you could say I got dad’s,” she said scooting her clothes that piled on the couch to the side

“We all have our mishaps,” I said smiling at her, “Speaking of mishaps, who was he?”

“Who?”

“Blonde, who caught me when I fell?”

“Oh, that’s Nick. He’s one of the guys,”

“One of the…”

“Backstreet Boys, remember? I told you he’s the prankster,”

“Oh, that’s right…don’t you think he looks like…” I caught myself; if I had told her then she’d be even more worried, and that I could not take, “Never mind. “I’m going to take a shower,”

“Oh, ok… there are clean towels underneath the sink; I’ll start some dinner,”

I walked into her bathroom and closed the door; I needed some time by myself. I turned on the shower and let it steam up the bathroom. I had a killer headache and needed something to sooth it before I hit my head against the wall. I opened my sister’s medicine cabinet to find absolutely nothing referring to medicine. She didn’t have time to clean her house, but she had time to take every prescription and non-prescription drug out of the house, not even an aspirin. Now not only was she acting like I was a child. She was treating me like one…

“Look at yourself Laura,” I said looking at my reflection in the mirror, my curly red hair was frizzy from the humidity, I pulled on one red ringlet and it bounced back up like a spring when I let it go. I had black circles around my green eyes, and my skin that was usually the color of peaches and cream was now more of a blotchy and pale color. “What are you doing here,” I said looking down at the tiny scars across my wrists, now hardly noticeable to an unknowing eye. It had been so long, but the truth is, the past never goes away, it haunts you, ripping at your seams, crawling up in every inch, every molecule of what you do, who you are… They say leave what’s in the past, in the past. But what’s in our past is that of what’s in your future, what lies in the shadows.

Memory, it’s a curse and a blessing. Memory makes the dead alive, and the past so close that you can almost touch it. It makes wounds reopen and bleed, makes pain so real that it seems like its being inflicted onto you, over and over again... So the truth is… nothing is ever really gone…

“Laura,” the loud knock at the door startled me, “Laura, are you ok?”

“What?” Roxi said placing her dirty bowl in the sink,

“I want to invite him over for dinner,” I watched gingerly as she piled more dishes into the sink

“Are you sure? I mean you’ve only been here for a couple days, and spent most of them in bed. Now you want to throw a dinner party?”

“Roxi, I thought you wanted me to get better,” She was starting to irritate me again.

“I do, I just don’t want you to over do yourself,”

“Roxi, if I don’t do something I’m going to go insane!”

Roxi rubbed her head in question, and then looked back up at me, “I guess I can’t stop you if it’s what you want,”

“Does that mean I can, Mother?” I asked sarcastically

Yeah, but you have to cook!” she said picking up her purse and keys that where lying on the back of the couch, “Would you mind if I invited AJ?” she said smiling,

“Sure,”

“Alright then, I’ll see you later. Just try and relax, ok Laura?” she said walking out the door.

I looked over at the sink that was over flowing with dishes, and then at the front room that was also over flowing with junk. “Sure, I’ll relax,” I said rolling my eyes.

I spent what seemed like hours cleaning my sister’s apartment. It had probably never been this clean sense she moved in; I thought as I clasped on the couch. I contemplated getting out and going to the beach, but I figured if my sister came home to find me gone, she’d probably send the National Guard after me. So I decided to read a book. My sister wasn’t one for reading. And you’d probably find more books in a blind man’s house then my sister’s. But while I was cleaning, I found underneath piles of clothes, newspapers and magazines a book. It was Robinson Crusoe; it had been our favorite book as children. When Roxi was a little girl, I used to read it to her over and over again. Robinson Crusoe reminded us of our father, always looking for adventure, but always finding himself shipwrecked on a deserted island. And Roxi and I, his shipmates, following him everywhere, and Finding ourselves shipwrecked along side him.

I opened the cover and on the left side of the page read,

To my dearest Laura and Roxi,
May you always find adventure and excitement in your life;
But always remember your way back home.

With all my love, Mama

It had been the last think our Mother had given us before she died, it was a Christmas present. I remember her telling us not to fight over it, but read it together, to each other.

The day after Christmas, we were driving back home from our grandmothers house, we didn’t want to leave, but our father had to get back to work, “We can come back in a couple weeks, I promise,” I remember my mother saying. We should have left earlier but Roxi and I were staling, Dad had to get to work the next day so he deiced that he’d just drive all night and not stop. I remember it had started to rain; Roxi was terribly frightened of the rain, so Mom leaned over the seat and told Roxi -who was sitting behind her- to scoot next to me, and that I could protect her. Mom never questioned an of our fears, she would always scare away the monsters in our room, keep us safe from the hallowing wind, and hold us tight when the rain would patter on our windowsill. Roxi then scooting next to me and Mom looking over at us smiling, “See, isn’t that better?” She said turning back around in her seat. That was the last thing I remember, two days later I woke up in a hospital room, my dad was sitting in a rocking chair next to my bed crying, I didn’t even have to ask him what was wrong. I already knew, how does an eight year old already know her mothers died I still can’t say, but I knew. I knew from that day on that everything relied on me; Roxi and Dad were my responsibility. That was the day I grew up. I reached my hand out and grabbed my fathers, “Its ok Daddy, you’ll be ok, I’m here” I had said rubbing his hand. But now it was their turn to take care of me, and I don’t know how to let them, they can’t understand. No one can…

A loud knock on the door startled me and I dropped my book, “Who could that be?” I said wiping tears away and walking over to the door, I looked through the peephole and all I could see was a bigheaded blonde. I opened the door.

“Oh,” he said turning around, “I thought maybe you weren’t home, I’ve been knocking for five minutes,” he said showing off his beautiful white teeth.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” I said looking him up and down, “It’s Nick, right?”

“Yeah, I came…”

“Well come in, can I get you something?” I said interrupting him

“Oh no, I’m fine thanks, I…”

“Oh god, I’m sorry, I’ve never introduced myself, I’m…”

“Laura,” he said chuckling

“Yes,” I said taking a deep breath, “I’m Laura,”

“I know, I think you must have lost this when you…. Well I think you lost this,” he said handing me my wallet

“Oh, thank you I didn’t even know I lost it,” I said rummaging through it

“I’m sorry I’ve waited so long to bring it back to you, but your sister kinda hovers like a hawk and I wanted to see how you were,” he said sticking his hands in his pockets.

“Thank you, I’m fine. I really appreciate what you did, I mean most people would have thought I was a little crazy,” I said crossing my arms and then uncrossing them.

“I don’t know what I’d call you, put it sure isn’t crazy,” he said watching me with a grin on his face.

“Well, you don’t know me very well then,” I grinned

“Well, I know how it feels sometimes, to just feel…crazy,”

“You’re probably wondering what I was doing?” I said lowering my head,

“I can’t say I’m not curious, but you can tell me in time,” he said smiling. He seemed safe, I hadn’t even known the man, but there was something about him that made me feel safe, and open. I would have told him anything, everything. I needed so badly someone to confide in, someone to just listen, without worry or disbelief; someone to tell me it would be ok, and actually believe it enough to make me believe it. I was tried of being treated like a child. And this complete stranger I had fallen in the arms of once before, seemed like a perfect person to fall into once again.

“Would you like to have dinner tonight?” I said bluntly

“Oh, um….” He said rubbing the back of his head

“Well, I mean, I’d like to thank you, for what you did the other day, but if you have plans, it’s ok…” I started to fidget again, “What are you doing Harris,” I mumbled under my breath

“No, I’d love to have dinner tonight,” he said smiling up at me,

“Oh,” I said a little startled, “Good, I’ll cook,”

“It’s a date then,”

“Roxi, what are you doing I asked you to watch this!” I said pushing my sister to the side, “you burnt my chicken!” I exclaimed taking the burnt chicken out of the oven.

“I thought you said a half hour?” Roxi said looking puzzled over my shoulder.

“Yeah, I said that three half hours ago! What were you doing?”

“I was…listening to music,” she said hunching her shoulders

“What are we going to do? They’re going to be here any minute!” I said looking at the clock that hung over the stove,

“I got it! How about Chinese?” she said snapping her fingers

“I was supposed to cook,” I said throwing the dishtowel on the counter

“Listen, we just have to improvise,” she said gingerly placing her hand on my shoulder,

“Wow Roxi, you know what improvise means?” I said sarcastically.

“Laura, no need to be hateful-- is that them?” she said turning to the loud knock at the door.

“Oh no, they’re early aren’t they?” I said busying myself

“Hey Rox,” I heard a voice say, “Sorry, we’re actually a little early,” Nick said as I turned around

“Yeah, just a little,” Roxi said nodding her head towards me

“So what’s for dinner?” AJ said leaning down and kissing Roxi on the cheek.

“Well…” Roxi’s cheeks turn red with embracement

“Yeah, about dinner, Roxi let it burn,” I said scratching the back of my head

“Laura!” Roxi said glaring at me,

“That’s not a surprise,” AJ smirked

“Don’t worry about it, we can get Chinese or something,” Nick said smiling.

“That’s a great idea!” I said brushing off my sleeves

“Hey, when I said that you said…”

“Not now Roxi,” I said glaring at her

AJ made a noise with the back of his throat and Roxi and I turned our heads to him, “I’m guessing you must be Laura then?” he said lowering his shades,

“Yes, and you must be AJ?” I said and outstretching my hand to him, “Roxi’s always been bad at introducing,”

Roxi mumbled something under her breath then rolled her eyes,

“It’s alright,” AJ smiled, “You guys had your hands full,”

“There’s this awesome little Chinese restaurant down by the beach, how about there?” said Nick
____________________________________________________________

I sat across from my sister and AJ, and watched them laugh at each other’s fortune cookies,

“Wait, mine says, “May you find happiness and love,’” AJ said reading his fortune cookie out loud,

“AJ, don’t you know that you’re supposed to end every fortune with “in bed’” Roxi laughed hysterically

“Oh,” AJ said sitting back in his chair, “So mine actually says “May you find happiness and love in bed?’” AJ said lifting his brow

“Well don’t we all wish that?” Roxi giggled

“Nice Rox,” I said rolling my eyes

“So what does yours say Roxi?” AJ said leaning his arm on the table

“You are a very talented person,” Roxi said mischievously

“In bed,” AJ said cocking his head,

“Wouldn’t you like to know!” she giggling,

I looked over at Nick how looked about as enthralled with Roxi and AJ’s conversation as I did. He saw me looking at him from the corner of his eye and winked at me; I blushed like a sixteen-year-old and put my face down. I felt a soft tap on my shoulder and looked up to meet his beautiful blue eyes,

"Would you like to go for a walk with me?” he whispered leaning into me,

I nodded my head, and he pulled out my seat,

“We’ll be back in a minute,” he said nodding to AJ

“Don’t hurry back,” AJ winked at Nick and then turned his full attention back to my sister.

“They seem to like each other-- thank you,” I said as he opened the door for me.

“Yeah, ever sense last tour, they make me wanna puke actually,” he said shaking his head,

“So they’re a…”

“Couple or I think at least? Neither of them have actually said,” he said lighting his cigarette, “Oh does this bother you?” he said waving the smoke away with his hand

“No, my dad used to smoke, and so did Jes…its ok,” my voice had lowered to a whisper. Just the sound of his name brought tears to my eyes

“Roxi told us what happened, I’m sorry for your loss,” I could feel his eyes upon me, but I couldn’t find the courage to meet them.

“Thank you,” I had said it so soft that I almost couldn’t hear myself

“Was that his name?”

“Yes,” I said continuing to stare at my feet

“I’m so sorry Laura,” he said softly touching my shoulder,

I shivered at the touch of his hand and he pulled away. I turned around and looked up at him; his blue eyes the color of ocean on a summer night, so deep, and soothing. I meant to pull away, but I went to him, I laid my head on his chest and cried.

“Shh…” he said wrapping his arms around me, “It’ll be ok, shh…” he murmured in my ear.

I finally realized what was happening and pulled abruptly away, “I’m sorry, oh god, I’m sorry,” I said stepping back

“It’s ok,” he said reaching for me,

“Nick, I can’t, I’m sorry, it’s just…”

“You can’t what? What can’t you do Laura?”

“I… just can’t,” I said turning away. We stood there in silence, listening only to the wind and the people passing by, then I heard a crack, like something being broken, I turned around and saw Nick grinning as he read. Then he looked up at me and smiled.

“It’s my fortune,” he grinned

“What does it say?”

“You will find fortune and happiness in those you have just met,” he said gleaming,

“Huh,” I laughed

“What’s yours say?”

“I don’t know,” I said digging in my pocket in search of my cookie. I broke the cookie and smoothed out the paper to read.

“Well, what’s it say?” he said crossing his arms

“You will find the comfort you’ve been looking for, in the arms of a stranger.” I said looking up at him.

“Huh,” he said smiling down at me.

She was breathing heavily, a river of red blood streaming down her arms, the deeper she cut the less she could feel, she wondered if she was died. The bathroom walls started spinning; she felt as if she had left her body, she looked back at the pathetic figure that sat in the bathtub, what had happened to her? Why did she long to be someone else? Why did she hate herself so much? She looked at the empty bottle of Vicodin on the sink, she thought taking the whole bottle would do the trick, but it seemed she couldn’t even kill herself right. She had to have a back up; a second way out. She pulled the razor blades out of her razor and slid them across her wrist, she couldn’t feel anything. Wasn’t it supposed to hurt? She wasn’t doing it right, she had to go deeper, there was so much blood, and she wondered where it had all come from? She cut deeper and deeper and still couldn’t feel anything! When would it be enough? Enough to kill her; to take her out of her miserable life; her eyes started getting heavy, she felt lifeless, was it working? How much longer would it be? She could hear yelling behind the door, was that the devil coming to claim her soul? She tried to hold her eyes open, her whole life she’d been taught that people who commit suicide went to hell, in a few seconds she’d know for sure. The voices kept screaming her name, over and over, the bathroom door started to shake; they we’re trying to break the door down. If she had enough strength she would have walked up to it and open the door for the demons. But they’d just have to work a little harder to get her now. She closed her eyes now and saw her mother, the softness of her face, “It’ll be okay Laura, just hold on,” she outstretched her arms to Laura, and Laura tried to touch her, but the farther she reached the farther away her mother went, “Laura, wake up! Please Laura wake up,” a voice kept saying over and over again, it sounded familiar, like something she’d heard before, but it was to late for Laura, nothing could wake her up, not now, she was to far gone. “Laura! Wake up!” the voice started shaking her, “Laura!”

My eye’s popped open to see Roxi starring down at me,

What’s wrong?” Roxi asked frantically, “You were sobbing in your sleep,”

“I was?” I said sitting up, abruptly

“Yeah, you kept calling… You kept calling for mom,”

“I was…”

“Dreaming?”

“No, more like remembering,” I said looking down at my wrist, I ran a finger along the deep scare and shivered.

“It was a long time ago Laura,” Roxi said gently taking my hand, “A very long time ago,”

“Yes, a very long time ago,” I said looking up at Roxi, there was a look of horror on her face, that frightened myself. “It’s okay Rox, I’m fine.” I said giving her a reassuring pat on the hand. “Now, tell me, what happened to you last night?”

“Oh,” Roxi blushed slightly, “I…well…um…nothing,” she said finally with a deep sigh.

I raised my brow at her, but didn’t push the subject, “oh, I see.”

“And you? What did you and Nick talk about? You guys seemed distant when you came back into the restaurant, and then you just left.”

Now it was my turn to blush and stutter, “It’s complicated,” I ended lamely.

“Oh, I see.” She said with a hint of sarcasm.

I wrinkled my nose and ran a hand through my hair, “My hair is horrid here!” I said grimly feeling the mass of curls out of control.

“Oh Laura, you look beautiful!” she said smiling at me,

I eyed her up and down, “Um… and what do you want?” I asked crossing my arms

“Nothing!” she said straightening up.

“Right,” I said trying to suppress a smile, “You only tell me I’m pretty when you want something,”

“That is just a horrible thing to say Laura! And not true in the slightest,” she protest.

“Okay then, not every time.” I smiled, “but you have something to say, what is it?”

“How do you always know that?” she asked intrigued,

“Because you are my little sister, and I always know when something’s bothering you,”

She straightened up, and took a deep breath. “ I don’t feel right about asking you something like this- in a time like this,” she said cutting off, “but you’re the only one I can ask because….well you’re my big sister.” She lowered her head then, and I saw the little girl sitting on my bed telling me all the troubles of the world.

“What Roxi?”

“How did you…I mean how did you know you were in love…with Jesse?” she asked looking up at me.

I had been prepared for anything but that. It took me off guard and a few minutes to reply.

“I’m sorry Laura, I shouldn’t have asked,” Roxi said sympathetically getting up from the bed. I grabbed her softly my the arm,

“Stay,” I said smiling at her.

She hesitated for a moment, then deiced it was harmless, and sat down on the edge of the bed.

I took a deep breath, “We had known each other for about four months. He had been my friend and soul companion. He didn’t have to understand me, he just had to be there and listen. It was a summer night, we were at his apartment, -he had made dinner for me-, we were sitting out on his balcony; talking, laughing. But then all the sudden we were silent. But it wasn’t an awkward silence, it was comfortable, he had his head turned away from me, gazing out at the sea. The moonlight silhouetted his profile, and there in that moment I told myself that was the man I would marry. Then he turned to me and said softly, “I think I’m in love with you,” and without thought I said, “me too,” and I knew in that moment we would never be apart.”

Roxi had a faraway look on her face and squeezed my hand hard, “I’m sorry Laura,” she said softly.

I suppressed the urge to break down and cry, but there wasn’t time for that. Not now, not in from of Roxi. “So,” I said clearing my throat, “What is this all about?”

“I think…well I think AJ told me he loved me last night,” she said turning her head away from me, “But I don’t think I was supposed to hear it.”

“What do you mean?” I asked confused.

“Well…um….we were….”

“Having sex?” I interrupted,

She blushed deeply and nodded.

“Oh,” I said a little startled; it wasn’t like my sister to blush at such an issue.

“But we had already done it. And I think he thought I was sleeping when he said it,”

“Oh,” I said more surprised, had anyone said that to her before? I wondered.

“No ones ever said it like that before. I mean, he was so serious Laura,”

I was right; no one had ever said it to her before. “How does that make you feel?”

“Jesus Laura, you’re such a shrink!” Roxi laughed,

“Yes, well I am,” I grinned

“I don’t know how that makes me feel, it’s so confusing, I thought we were just having fun…”

“Friends with benefits,” I said mildly

“Yeah basically!” Roxi said standing up and pacing the room, “Now, I don’t even think I can be around him, because all I’m going to be thinking is ‘he loves me’ and I’m going to hear it in my head over and over again!”

I sat quietly back as she ranted, “Do you love him?” I asked.

She stopped pacing abruptly. “I…I don’t know. That’s why I asked,” she said turning towards me, “I don’t know what it feels like to be in love.”

“Well then,” I said getting out of bed, “It’s something you feel, not something you know. So if you don’t feel it, then you’re not in love,”
________________________________________________________________________

Roxi finally got her composure back and set off in search of AJ, she asked me about a hundred and fifty times if I would be alright by myself for the afternoon. And a hundred and fifty times I reassured her I would be. The truth of the matter had been I needed time by myself; it had been years sense I’d had such nightmares; but in the past week I had been having them every night. I tried to reassure myself that it must be the sudden traumatic experience I’d gone through that provoked it and that they’d go away- I hoped.

To save me from my boredom I had gone to the grocery story and bought food. I was tired of living on TV dinners and Top Ramen. I pulled out fresh vegetables and fruits and set them neatly on the counter, then pulled out an apron I had bought and wrapped it around myself, “Chef Harris at your service,” I said as I spread the fresh carrots out on the cutting board. I pulled out a knife and started chopping away.

I heard a knock on the door and laid my knife to the side. I wiped my hands on my apron and went to the door.

“Hello,” he said looking down at me.

“Nick!” I said surprised and swung the door open, “come in,”

“I’m not bothering you, am I?” he said stepping inside,

“Oh no, you caught me in amidst of chopping carrots,” I laughed.

“Well I hope I haven’t come in time to be put in the strew.” he said laughing.

“Maybe…maybe not,” I said winking, “so what brings you here,” I said walking back into the kitchen

“I was in the neighborhood.” he said pulling up a stool and sitting down,

“Well you just missed Roxi, she went to go find…”

“AJ,” he interrupted, “I know, something about the “L” word.”

“Oh so you’ve heard?” I asked, chopping more greens.

“Yeah, Bone called me today sayin’ he thought she heard him.”

“Bone?” I said looking up at him.

“Oh,” the tops of Nick’s ears turned pink and he blushed, “It’s a nickname for AJ,”

“Oh,” I said looking back down at my chopped carrots; no wonder Roxi’s so found of him; I thought cynically.

Nick cleared his throat and I looked up at him again, “So, what were you doing in the neighborhood?” I asked conversational.

“Well…” he said rubbing the back of his head, there was a twinkle in his eyes and I wondered what mischief he was planning. “I came to the neighborhood to see you.” he said matter-of-factly.

I hadn’t realized I was still chopping when he said this, frankly I hadn’t realize anything other then the last sentence he said. I’m not sure what happened other then the knife slipping, but the next thing I knew I had my finger in my mouth and he jumped a foot off his stool.

“Are you ok?” he asked frantically,

I pulled my finger out of my mouth gingerly and looked down at the gash across my middle finger.

“I think so,” I said looking critically down at my finger,

“It’s bleeding, did you cut yourself badly; do you need stitches?” he asked frantically.

I couldn’t help but laugh, you would have thought I chopped off my whole finger by his appearance.

“What?” he asked abash

I couldn’t find the words to answer, either from hysteria or- well hysteria. I didn’t know what was so funny; but couldn’t stop laughing nonetheless.

“What is so funny?” it was more of a demand then a question.

“I’m sorry,” I laughed, “I can’t stop la…laughing,”

The tension eased between his brows and he softly started to laugh himself,

“Oh god,” I said after awhile, “Roxi really does need to baby me, I’m left alone for awhile and look what I do,” I said shaking my head.

“Well you weren’t alone,” he said smiling at me, “Let me see, is it hurt badly?” he asked reaching for my hand.

I let him take my hand without protest, “its fine I’m sure,”

He looked down at it intently, “well, maybe not stitches but a Band-Aid wouldn’t hurt.” He said smiling up at me, “Do you know where one is?”

“In the medicine cabinet, I think I saw some in there,”

“Alright then,” he said taking my hand softly, “it should be washed too,” and I followed him as he led me into the bathroom,

“Now sit,” he said gesturing to the toilet, “and let’s have a look,”

“Alright nurse Betty,” I laughed,

“Yeah well, stop imagining me in the naughty nurse outfit,” he grinned mischievously.

“I’ll try,” I added dryly,

“It’s not deep, but it’s wide, maybe it needs some butterflies,” he said squinting down at my finger, “you’re in luck I know how to do that.”

“Really and how does a rock star learn such traits?” I asked intrigued

“Well, I’m an accident waiting to happen, and most of the time it’s deliberate. So everyone told me that if I were going to mess around and hurt myself then I could just bandage myself too.”

“Talk about tuff love,”

“Yes well, it’s what happens when you’re the runt of the group,” he said smiling down at me.

I laughed, “I always thought the eldest of the group was the doctor and wise one,”

“Well he’s the wise one, but he’s also very squeamish,”

“Oh, I see,” I laughed.

“There,” he said letting go of my hand, “it’s all fixed; hopefully it won’t leave a scar,”

“Well if it does it’ll match all the others,” I said wryly, “thank you,”

“No problem-o,” he smirked, “just keep away from sharp objects from now on, huh?”

“Yes,” I said grimly, an unpleasant memory of the dream I’d been awakened by entered my mind and I shivered from the thought.

“What’s wrong?” he asked,

I snapped out of the gruesome memory and looked up into his piercing blue eyes, “Oh nothing. I’ve just been having a series of nightmares lately,” I said cooler then I thought.

“Oh, you wanna talk about them?” he asked

I had an impulse to say yes, but shook it off. “No,” I said promptly, “but how about you stay for lunch?”