Chapter 12 – Wake Up Call

The beginning of May was bittersweet for Alyssa. Usually, this time of the year was one of her favorites with the weather steadily growing warmer and summer just within reach. This year though it marked another month of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant.  It was now just about seven months since she and Sean had decided to start trying for a child and the pressure to become pregnant was even more intense than ever. Even though Nick had tried to reassure her that it wasn’t a tragedy if she failed to conceive before Sean’s departure to Iraq, Alyssa was stubborn. She knew how badly Sean wanted a child with her and she knew that they’d been lucky that he hadn’t been deployed yet, but with each month that passed Alyssa knew that they had less and less time to try. In the past few weeks, she’d become almost fanatical with any way she could find to boost her fertility. She scoured website after website looking for any little tip she could find to improve her chances of conceiving. Some ideas had sounded a lot like old wives’ tale’s such as taking your temperature before having sex to tell how fertile you were or only having sex certain times of the day and in certain positions. Still, Alyssa didn’t hesitate to try anything she read about. She’d even changed her entire diet around after she’d discovered that everything she ate could have an impact on her ability to get pregnant.

            There was always Melanie’s offer lingering in the back of Alyssa’s mind, to refer her and Sean to the fertility clinic that she and Kevin had visited before finally becoming pregnant with Julian. At first, the idea had sounded unthinkable. Alyssa couldn’t even fathom the idea of there possibly being something wrong with either her or Sean which would prevent them from conceiving. As the months wore on though, Alyssa actually began to start to consider it as an option. Maybe they should at least make an appointment for a consultation. It couldn’t hurt right? When she’d asked her gynecologist for her opinion at her last visit though a few weeks ago, her doctor had assured her that the success rate for conception in women her age was very high and that very few women in their late twenties have serious problems that prevent them from getting pregnant. She’d also pointed out that normally doctors recommend that a couple try for at least a year before seeking out other options. Alyssa and Sean had only been trying for seven months, but Alyssa doubted that they’d have an entire year to keep trying. As a result, the situation had left her feeling powerless and frustrated and she’d been snippy at everyone lately.

            Everyone picked up on the change in Alyssa’s attitude, but no one seemed to address it outright. She and Sean barely spoke without fighting and whenever they were on good terms they were trying to conceive a child. It began to seem like all they did anymore was fight and have sex. And it wasn’t even good make up sex. As of lately it was beginning to feel routine and mechanical. There was no more excitement or passion. Sex was beginning to seem like a chore that needed to be done in order to hopefully have a child one day. It was at the point now where Alyssa found Sean to be so boring and predictable she could probably have sex with him in her sleep. Some nights she felt like she did. It was not only her relationship with Sean that suffered though. She’d been harder on her students too, raising her voice much louder than usual with them. She’d even begun to blow off her friends. Whenever Teri called and asked her to do wedding stuff with her or Izzy invited her and Sean over for dinner, Alyssa made up some kind of excuse. She just plain wasn’t in the mood.

            Finally one Saturday afternoon not being able to put up with Alyssa hiding away any longer, Teri and Tricia had driven over to Alyssa’s house and pretty much forced her into going out to lunch with them. They hadn’t heard from her in weeks and knew that an afternoon out with the girls full of raunchy conversation and fattening food was just what she probably needed.

            Their first surprise came after they’d arrived at one of their favorite LA restaurants for lunch and Alyssa only ordered a Caesar salad instead of her usual cheeseburger and French fries. “Is that all your eating?” Tricia asked, with raised eyebrows. “You never order just a salad. Are you like on a diet or something?”

            Alyssa just shrugged. “Not really a diet per say. I’ve just been more conscious about what kinds of food I’m putting into my body lately.”

            Teri narrowed her eyes in Alyssa’s direction. “Trust me, hun. You definitely don’t need to worry about watching what you eat. Now considering I’m getting married in five months, I’m a different story.”

            “I’m not trying to lose weight!” she angrily defended herself. “I’ve been doing some research on things that I can do to help improve my chances of getting pregnant, and one of the first things they tell you to do is to change your diet around. I’ve cut out caffeine and I’m trying to eat more vegetables and less carbs. That’s all.” Her explanation was cut off by the sound of loud giggling coming from a table of young women who appeared to be in their early twenties a few feet away. Alyssa wrinkled her nose in disgust and rolled her eyes in their direction. “God, I hope we weren’t that annoying when we were their age.”

            Teri just smirked at Alyssa’s bitchy remark. “For a woman who is supposed to be getting laid as often as you are you sure are in a nasty mood.”

            “Yea, well maybe the getting laid part isn’t as great as it sounds,” she mumbled.

            Her friend’s face softened. “You and Sean still having trouble finding time for the two of you? I remember you saying that was an issue the last time we talked.”

            Alyssa sighed. “It’s getting better as far as finding the time goes, but I don’t know… Lately it’s just been like the same old routine night after night. And nothing seems to be happening in the baby department, so I guess it’s making the both of us more and more discouraged. It’s like the longer it doesn’t happen, the harder he feels like he has to try, and the harder he tries the worse it gets.”

            “Ouch,” Tricia chimed in sympathetically. “Sounds like you guys are in one hell of a rut. Why don’t you try to change it up a little bit? If he isn’t doing it, why don’t you take control? Do a little something different to change the monotony a bit.”

            “Oh, I’ve tried. Teri suggested that I try to take the focus off of the baby for one night and switch it to just the two of us, but every time I try to get his mind off it he has to go bring it up again. It’s like we can’t have sex without him reminding us that we’re trying to have a baby here.”

            “Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?” Teri suggested. “Maybe he doesn’t realize he’s doing it. Or maybe he does, but doesn’t realize the effect it has. Although I don’t see how he can’t. If things are that strained in the bedroom, doesn’t he realize that something needs to change?”

            “I’ve tried talking to him about it. Whenever I bring it up though, he gets so defensive. It becomes another excuse to fight, so I don’t even bother anymore. And as far as him being oblivious to how routine things are getting… Well, let’s just say I’ve learned to become a really good actress,” Alyssa admitted with a blush.

            “You mean you’ve been faking it?” Tricia gasped. “Alyssa! I’m shocked!”

            “Yea I know… Totally not my style and I was always thought that it was a completely dishonest thing to do, but in my situation its just easier to act like I’m enjoying it and just get it over with. I can’t wait until I actually get pregnant and things can finally get back to normal.”

            “Normal? Ha! You think after you’re pregnant your sex life is gong to go back to normal? Ask Melanie, Leighanne, or even Izzy what happens after you have a baby. Not that I’d know from experience, but most of my friends who had kids said that after the baby came along their sex lives chilled significantly,” Teri pointed out. “Hate to be the voice of negativity, but it’s the truth.”

            “Thanks,” Alyssa dryly replied before sighing. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch lately, but I’ve just been really stressed about this whole pregnancy thing and instead of bringing Sean and I closer it’s only wedging a gap between us. Then I haven’t been sleeping very well. I’ve had a lot on my mind and then I had a really strange dream which I don’t know what to make of…”

            “Dream? What kind of dream?” Tricia curiously asked.

            Alyssa froze for a moment. She hadn’t intended on bringing up the dream that had woken her up in the middle of the night in a sweat and had left her feeling so confused and mixed up that she wound up lying awake for pretty much the entire night. It wasn’t until she’d finally crept downstairs and sprawled out on the living room couch, that she’d been able to get any sleep at all. She supposed it had something to do with the fact that Sean had been next to her the entire time, making her even more uneasy. The dream had been haunting her all day no matter how hard she tried to push it into the back of her mind, so she supposed she shouldn’t be too surprised that her subconscious had chosen to mention it. “It’s not important,” she quickly replied. “It was stupid really.”

            Teri shook her head in obvious disagreement “Dreams are never stupid. They’re actually really insightful in a fucked up way. Why don’t you tell us about it? I love interpreting this kind of stuff.”

            “Oh, you’d definitely have a ball with this one,” she muttered. Again the words were out of her mouth before she even realized it.

            “Ok, now you do realize you have to tell us about it or we will just pull it out of you. And you know that I’m very good at doing that. What kind of dream was it? Was it a good dream or a bad dream?”

            Alyssa sighed, knowing that she was defeated. Teri was right. She may just as well tell them. Besides if there was anyone who could help her figure out the meaning behind this dream it was Teri and Tricia. This particular dream was right up their alley. “Depends at how you look at it. It started out really good. Kind of weird, but damn good.”

            “So I’m guessing this was a sexual dream then?” Tricia slyly asked.

            “Yea,” she reluctantly agreed. “But then it got pretty fucked up.”

            Teri raised her eyebrows and stifled a laugh. “Fucked up in a good way or fucked up in a bad way?”

            She just rolled her eyes at her friend. “Not fucked up in some weird, kinky way. Fucked up as in it got really dark, really fast.”

            The two other women looked intrigued now. Teri was the first to speak after a long pause. “Okay… I have to ask. Who was it about?”

            “Nick… And Sean was in it too.”

            Tricia gasped. “You were dreaming about having sex with Nick?” Already her body was leaned forward intently as if she was clinging to every one of Alyssa’s words. “Something tells me this is going to be good.”

            “Actually that doesn’t surprise me too much,” Teri remarked. “But please start from the beginning. I’m curious to know where Sean comes in.”

            Alyssa took in a deep breath as she began describing her dream in further detail. “Well, like I said, it was starting out like your average sex dream, but then the tables turned really fast and it freaked me out big time…”

*************

            The early morning light filtered through the bedroom window, but Alyssa found herself oblivious to the sun’s rays that flooded over her body. She was too preoccupied on the searing kisses that she was currently sharing with the man beside her. Her mind was fuzzy and even though her eyes were closed, making his identity unclear, she could feel their limbs entangling as their mouths meshed together.

Their lips broke apart for a moment, and Alyssa’s eyes opened as she drew in a shaky breath. For the first time her eyes made contact with his and she gasped once she realized who they belonged to. She’d been half expecting to be met with Sean’s light green eyes, but instead found herself gazing into Nick’s blue ones.

 She stared up at him in shock for a moment, but before she could further react his lips were on hers again, and all questions began to slip away from her mind. Her body instinctively reacted as she surrendered to the kiss. Her fingernails lightly dug into his shoulders while his arms snaked their way tighter around her waist. He rolled onto his back, pulling her on top of him as the kisses once again deepened. Alyssa softly moaned as his mouth made contact with the side of her neck. Her fingers flew up and buried themselves in his hair while her eyes closed, savoring the feeling of his hands over her body.

Nick continued his assault on her neck, nipping and sucking at the delicate area which produced several frustrated cries from Alyssa’s lips. Impatience began to take over her body and her hips rolled up against his almost pleading for him to move on. Sensing her urgency, Nick flipped them back over so their lips were only inches apart. Alyssa hooked her arms around his neck, pulling him down just enough to close up the gap between the two of them. She moaned against his open mouth as his fingertips stole underneath the lacy edge of her bra and brushed against one of her already hardening nipples. A shiver ran through her body when he lowered the material just enough to expose the erect bud before leaning down to swirl his tongue against it. Her back arched in response allowing him to take her more fully into his mouth as he gently sucked against her soft skin. His hand slowly traveled up the top of her thigh and Alyssa writhed uncomfortably feeling it so close to her center. Seeing the effect it had on her, he let his fingertips brush up against her inner thigh, playing with the edge of the black lace boy shorts she was wearing. Another frustrated groan escaped her lips and not being able to stand much more she gripped her hands around his wrist and placed his hand at the top of the waistband, hoping that he would get the hint.

 Seeming pleased with her initiative, he slipped his hand underneath the garment, and Alyssa practically sighed in relief as he dragged a finger up against her. Her hands clenched around the sheets underneath her while he continued to stroke his fingertips against her wet folds. Steadily, he began to rub a little bit harder, leaning down to dip his tongue into her naval. Alyssa bit down hard on her lip as her eyes clenched shut tightly already feeling the heat beginning to rise in her body. Without hesitation, Nick plunged two long fingers inside of her causing Alyssa to gasp loudly. Her body took over automatically moving against each thrust of his fingers as they pumped harder against her. She was so lost in the moment that she didn’t even hear the sound of the bedroom door being kicked open over her increasingly louder cries.

Just as she was beginning to feel the familiar quaking feeling of her orgasm approaching her, she felt Nick stop. Her eyes sprang open in surprise and as she peered over Nick’s shoulder she gasped, this time for an entirely different reason. Standing near the doorway stood an enraged Sean who seemed to be breathing just as heavily as she was; only he looked extremely hurt and pissed off. The wild look in his eyes was enough to sober her as she sat up trying to adjust her rumpled clothing.

I didn't hear what you were saying.
I live on raw emotion baby
I answer questions never maybe
And I'm not kind if you betray me.
So who the hell are you to say we
Never would have made it babe.

“I knew it!” he finally shouted breaking the tense silence. “I knew that you were fucking him behind my back! You kept denying it to me, but I knew that you were lying to me! But in my own bed? That’s fucking low of you Alyssa.”

 Alyssa looked around helplessly her mind scrambling for some kind of explanation, but how could she explain herself when she wasn’t even sure how she’d wound up in the situation in the first place? “I’m sorry,” were the only words she could think of to say, wincing at how pathetic they sounded under the circumstances.

“Sorry? Sorry doesn’t cut it! You made a vow to me Alyssa! Does that not mean anything to you?”

 Again Alyssa just hung her head silently, not being able to defend herself. She’d be the first to admit that she had been wrong, but all she could remember was how right it had felt.

“You know if there was something that you needed that I wasn’t giving you, you really should’ve let me know instead of searching for it in the arms of your ex boyfriend,” Sean continued, all of a sudden sounding almost too calm. “Too bad… Now that you’ve taken something from me, I’m going to have to take something from you.”

Before Alyssa could ask him what he meant by that she caught glimpse of something silver glinting in the sunlight in Sean’s hands. She screamed shrilly when she realized it was a gun.

I

f you needed love
Well then ask for love
Could have given love
Now I’m taking love
And it’s not my fault
Cause you both deserve
What is coming now
So don’t say a word

The next ten seconds seemed to happen in slow motion for her. Her scream seemed to be frozen in the air and all she could remember was the crazed look in her husband’s eyes. A loud popping sound ricocheted throughout the room like an explosion. It didn’t sink in that Sean had actually fired a shot until she felt Nick’s arms dive around her body, forcing her to duck down beneath the covers for safety. His body covered hers like a shield and Alyssa shrank under the comforter for what felt like forever waiting for her heart to stop pounding.

  Finally getting the courage to open her eyes Alyssa realized that Nick was on top of her. She nudged him with her elbow, but nothing happened. Wriggling out of her position, pinned underneath him she screamed as his body slumped forward. Pulling her hands away she realized they were sticky with warm, red, blood. Her eyes flew up towards Sean who was staring at the gun almost as if he couldn’t believe he had actually shot it. Her attention focused back to Nick who had a clear bullet wound through his back. He’d gotten hit just as he was diving across the bed to protect her. Her hand flew up to her mouth in shock as tears began to flow down her face.

 “Nick… Please be okay!” she begged almost hysterically as she rolled him over, cradling his head in her lap. “You’re fine… Just open your eyes. Please!” Her sobs grew louder once she saw how unresponsive he was, but she refused to accept the fact that he was gone.

  She was so panic stricken that she barely noticed Sean tentatively approach the side of the bed and place his hands on the pulse point near his neck. He looked up at her grimly. “He’s gone, Alyssa. He’s not going to be waking up.”

Wake up call
Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed
Don't you care about me anymore?
Don’t you care about me? I don't think so.
Six foot tall
Came without a warning so I had to shoot him dead
He won't come around here anymore
Come around here? I don't think so.

~ Wake Up Call- Maroon 5

**********************

            “Wow… Uhh yea… Now I totally see why you’re so freaked out over this dream,” Tricia said wide eyed after Alyssa finished describing it. “I don’t even know where to start.”

            “I told you girls to have fun with the analyzing. Lord knows there’s plenty of shit in there to talk about,” Alyssa told them, sitting back in her seat. “So, start wherever you please.”

            “Well, first off I think it’s pretty obvious that you still have feelings for Nick,” Teri stated. “Feelings that are more than just friendly. I’d say that you definitely still have sexual feelings about him deep down somewhere.”

            Alyssa opened her mouth to protest, but quickly closed it. She didn’t like to admit to herself that she was still sexually attracted to her ex, but it was kind of hard to deny it if she was having sexual dreams about him. And there had been that little spark she’d felt between them at Tiffany’s with the necklace. She’d brushed it off at the time, but now she had to wonder if it was really attraction she’d felt.

            “And the whole Sean part symbolizes your fear of what could happen if Sean ever realized that you still have these feelings for Nick even though you haven’t acted upon them like in the dream,” Tricia continued before frowning. “You haven’t acted on them, have you?”

            “Do you mean have I done anything with Nick since I’ve been with Sean?” Alyssa asked incredulously. Two pairs of eyes stared at her curiously. “God no! Things between Sean and I are complicated enough right now.”

            “But you’ve thought about it, right?” Teri pressed. “Hypothetically speaking if you could sleep with Nick and get away with it without Sean or Shayla finding out, would you?”

            Alyssa sighed, once again feeling like she was in the hot seat. “That’s not a very realistic situation,” she argued, trying to avoid giving an answer.

            “Just answer the damn question. Hypothetical’s or never realistic. That’s what makes them hypothetical.”

            “All right,” she finally admitted. “I guess based upon where Sean and I are now in our relationship and how crappy our sex life has been lately, if I could do it and get away with it I probably would.” She winced. “That probably makes me a horrible person, right?”

            Teri shrugged. “Not really. At least you’re honest. And it’s not like you’re actually going to do it.”

            “Yea, you’re right,” Alyssa reluctantly agreed. “But I still feel guilty for even thinking it.”

            There was an awkward silence between the three for a moment until a devilish smirk appeared on Tricia’s face. “So, Alyssa… While we’re being honest here and letting loose, who is better in bed? Sean or Nick?”

            Alyssa groaned. “I swear you girls live to torture me by forcing me to admit my deepest darkest secrets.” Knowing that her friends wouldn’t relent until she answered the question she gave in. “Okay. It’s definitely Nick hands down. There’s no contest.”

            “Oooh… Scandalous,” both women hooted.

            “Well, it’s the truth. I mean not that Sean is bad by any means. Yea, right now we’re in the middle of a bit of a rough patch, but usually it’s pretty good. It’s just hard to compare them because they’re just so different. I’ve done things with Sean that I’ve never done with Nick and vice versa. I guess the thing about Sean though is he’s not always consistent. Like one time it’ll be amazing and the next it’ll be like uhh what the fuck was that? But overall it’s usually pretty good,” she confessed.

            “And Nick?” Teri asked.

            A sly look came across Alyssa’s face. “Amazing pretty much all the time. I mean I suppose we’ve had those few times where it could’ve been better, but nine times out of ten it was for lack of a better word, amazing. Let’s just say that I’ve never had to fake anything with him. Shayla’s a lucky woman.”

            The two other women exchanged a glance and laughed as Alyssa continued sounding more serious. “I just sort of wish that I’d had some of the confidence I have in myself now that I lacked back then for him. If I did… Man, I think it would be just unbelievable. But, I guess it wasn’t meant to be.” Her voice trailed off sadly and then it finally hit her enough to make her choke up a little bit. “Fuck. I think I just realized that I’m not as over him as I thought I was.”

            Both women’s faces softened and put their arms around Alyssa who was already beginning to tear up. “I was trying to deny it all this time, but I think my dream proved it. I’m still attracted to him and I think that’s one of the reasons that’s putting a strain on my relationship with Sean and I have no clue what to do about it. I can’t cut Nick out of my life completely because it would mean cutting out nearly all my friends, but the more I hang out with him the harder it is for me to convince myself that I don’t have feelings for him. This could be bad.”

            “Hmm…” Teri pursed her lips. “Well, I’m not denying that you still have feelings for Nick, but if you want my honest opinion, I think that you’re using them as a distraction from your current problems with Sean. In your mind, it would be easier to run back into Nick’s arms then to actually sit down and work shit out with Sean. I can’t tell you who you should be with, but you have to consider Sean and Shayla’s feelings too. You need to at least give things with Sean another shot before making any rash decisions. But you know I’ll support you no matter what you do girl.”

            “You’re right,” Alyssa agreed. “I’m blowing this out of proportion and it’s not like he’s tried to make a move on me or anything. As far as I know this is all in my head. Hell, I don’t even know if he feels the same way. Sometimes I think he might, but other times…”

            “Well, I think that you need to listen to what’s in your heart,” Tricia advised. “If you really, truly think that you and Nick belong together, you need to go for it. You’ve let him slip through your fingertips quite a number of times already. Yea, you’ll probably hurt Sean, but isn’t it even more hurtful to lead him on and believe that you love him when you’re in love with someone else?”

            “I wouldn’t say I’m in love with him, at least not at this point. I just still have an attraction to him and that’s all. It could be completely innocent,” she pointed out.

            “Yea… So innocent that you’re having sex dreams about him.”

            “Tricia… You’re not helping.”

            “Sorry about that,” she apologized. “But yea… Just do what makes you happy. You’re always putting others first before you. Go out and take care of yourself for once.”

            “Thanks for the input ladies, but I’m through talking about me for one afternoon. How are those wedding plans going Teri?”

            Alyssa sat back and listened as Teri began to ramble on about all the unfinished details still left for the wedding, but her mind was a million miles away. If anything her conversation had left her even more confused about her feelings for Nick as well as her feelings for Sean. Was she doing just as Teri suggested and creating these feelings as an excuse to hide from her difficulties with Sean? Or was there honestly something there? And if there was, did she have the balls to do anything about it?

Chapter 19 - The Power of Goodbye

            The guilt that Alyssa harbored over cheating on Sean with Nick did not fade away as easily as she'd hoped, and the next few days were harder on her than she'd ever imagined. Thankfully enough once Monday rolled around, Alyssa still had school to distract herself with. There was only about another week or two left before school let out for summer, and Alyssa was beginning to regret choosing not to volunteer to teach summer school. At least it would be something to get her mind off of the mess that was her personal life. Teaching became her escape from reality. Her classroom was the one place she could go and pretend that she was anyone else, but herself.

            She'd successfully managed to avoid Sean as much as she possibly could. So far, if he noticed her irregular behavior, he hadn't brought it up with her. She knew that it was only a matter of time though before he began to realize that something was up, and Alyssa wasn't sure how much longer she could keep the ugly truth inside. She could only pray that something would come up to make her inner struggle easier to fight.

            In some cruel, perverse way, God answered her prayers. It was only a few days before they were due back at the clinic for their follow up appointment to discuss their test results, when Sean arrived home from work one day looking pale and pensive. As soon as she saw the look in his eyes, she knew that the day that they had been fearing since mid- October had finally arrived. So, she wasn't at all surprised when he made the announcement that could potentially change their lives forever.

            "It's official. I'm going to Iraq. I ship out next weekend."

            Alyssa hadn't exactly known how to react. On one hand even though she'd known that him being deployed was inevitable, she couldn't help but to think that somehow this was all her fault, like her unfaithfulness had caused it to happen. Yes, she knew she should be grateful that he hadn't been taken from her sooner, but she couldn't deny the feeling of bad karma when it came to the timing of it all. Then there was actually the part of her that as cold as it sounded was actually relieved. Without him around for a while, it would certainly make it easier on her to put the past behind her. Of course if God forbid anything happened to him over in Iraq, she wouldn't be able to live with herself. The guilt that she'd been carrying would only grow to be ten times worse.

            They'd talked over what exactly they should do about their upcoming doctor's appointment. Sean didn't want anymore bad news before he left for Iraq and he'd pointed out that no matter what the results read there wasn't much they could do at this point to change their fate. Besides, he didn't want to spend what little time they had left together in a doctor's office receiving potentially upsetting news. He urged Alyssa to reschedule the appointment until after he left, so that at least she'd be able to find out what the problem might be for future reference. She'd already called to cancel their appointment, but at the time chose not to reschedule, promising that she would be in touch. She doubted she ever would go back on her own.

            Their last few days together flew by all too quickly for Alyssa. It was strange, but knowing that he was going to be leaving made it easier for her to be around him. All she needed to do was pretend as if nothing had changed between them for a few days and then he'd be out of sight and hopefully at least a little out of mind. Then maybe she could begin to muddle through her confused emotions regarding her feelings for Nick. She hadn't spoken to Nick since sneaking out of the condo that morning, but he'd called her numerous times. There had even been a few calls on her cell that had been from a restricted number who she was more than positive was him trying to reach her. With Sean leaving, she could only deal with one hardship at a time.

            She and Sean's last night together was bittersweet. They'd tried to make it as romantic as possible, opting for a quiet, intimate dinner at home, versus going to a crowded restaurant and being surrounded by happy people. Then of course afterwards Alyssa knew that there was no way that she would be able to excuse herself from the farewell sex that was just expected. This time though, she was able to muster up at least a little bit of eagerness. As dead as their relationship had been as of lately, and as tainted as she felt after sleeping with Nick, she had still cared about Sean a great deal at one time. To think that he could possibly not make it back alive from Iraq was enough for her to be able to temporarily push her guilt aside and make love to him for what could very well be the very last time. She did it more to provide herself with a sense of closure than anything else.

            After it was all over, and the enormity of what was about to happen to him fully hit her, Alyssa couldn't help but to burst into tears. Always one to comfort her, Sean had held her close and stroked her back, trying to console her. But it was impossible. Alyssa was just simply inconsolable. He didn't understand that she wasn't just crying because he was leaving her to fight a dangerous war for their country. She was crying because she'd failed him as a wife. Not only did she disappoint him by not being able to bear any of his children before this point, but she'd gone off and found comfort in the arms of another man; a man that Sean despised. And through it all he didn't suspect for one moment that she'd been unfaithful to him at all. If anything, he thought she was just taking his leaving very roughly. If only he'd known the real reason for her tears.

Finally somewhere in the middle of the night she'd finally cried herself to sleep only to be awoken a few hours later to have to go with him to the airport to see him off. The entire morning passed her by as if she was in a fog, until finally she found herself standing with him at the air force base, realizing that they only had a few precious moments left together.

            "I promise that I'll try to keep on touch the best that I can," Sean began, breaking the awkward silence between them. "I'll call whenever I can get near a phone and I packed my laptop and my webcam, so we can talk through e-mail and instant messages and stuff."

            Alyssa just nodded. She should be used to tearful airport goodbyes by now. Lord knows she'd had more than her share of them from her experience dating Nick in the past. But then again this was a different situation entirely. On each of these occasions when she'd seen Nick off on his next tour or overseas recording session, she always knew that he'd definitely be back eventually. With Sean going over to Iraq, Alyssa didn't have that automatic guarantee. There was always that possibility that he'd return home in a body bag instead.

            Sean sighed at her silent reply. Obviously he seemed frustrated by her lack of words and was beginning to run out of things to say to keep the conversation going. "Lyss, please say something," he begged. "This could be our last five minutes together and I'm already running out of things to say to you. Please tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

            Alyssa sadly looked back up at the pleading expression in his eyes. His cleanly pressed uniform made the reality of the moment that much more severe. If only she could tell him what was really going on in her head at the moment. If only she could admit to him the guilt that she was feeling over his departure. How she felt that this was somehow her punishment for sleeping with Nick. Somehow though, she got the feeling that now was not the time or place to admit to her infidelity, so instead she did the best to push those feelings aside and focus in on the fears that she could admit to him. "I'm sorry I'm so quiet. I guess that it just hasn't really sunk in until just now that this is it. You're really leaving," she tearfully admitted. "It's not like I shouldn't have been prepared. We both knew that this day would come, but now that's it finally here it just feels really surreal."

            Sean looked at her sympathetically as he wrapped his arms protectively around her and pulled her body close to his. "I know. I can barely believe it either. It just feels like a scene out of some bad war movie or something. I don't think it's really going to hit me until I'm on the plane."

            Alyssa broke her gaze with him and focused down on the ground sniffling. "I'm sorry that I disappointed you. I feel like I failed as a wife because I wasn't able to give you the one thing you really wanted."

            He frowned appearing confused. "What do you mean? How did you disappoint me?"

            "I wasn't able to get pregnant. I know how badly you wanted to a child and now you might never get that chance," she explained. "I feel like it's my fault. That I shattered your dream."

            Sean looked startled by her confession and immediately reached down to cup her chin, so that he was sure that she was looking at him straight in the eyes. "Hey, I need you to know that I don't blame you, okay? I'll admit that I really did want a child before this point, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be. It's just not the right time for us and I'm sure that when I get back and things settle down it'll happen like it's supposed to. Besides..." He paused letting his hands drift down to her stomach. "Who knows? For all we know we could have a little son or daughter in there already and not even know it yet."

            Alyssa tightened her lips, but nodded in agreement as she reached up to brush away a few stray tears that had trickled down her cheeks. She would love to have shared Sean's optimism, but she found it impossible. After eight months of unsuccessfully trying to be become pregnant, she doubted that in the last few weeks it had just magically happened, but she didn't want to tell him this. She was just opening her mouth to say something in response when she heard the sound of Ian's voice a few feet away where he stood with Kim and their newborn son Gavin. "Sean, they're starting to get ready to board so you may want to wrap it up."

            "Thanks man," he shouted back, turning his attention back to Alyssa. Even he sounded a bit choked up. "Well, I guess this is it."

            The tears that Alyssa had fought on and off broke free as she tightened her grip around him. "Please try to stay safe," she begged. "I don't want to see you on the local news unless it's for doing something heroic."

            "I'll try," he promised. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and bent down to kiss her softly and as slowly as he possibly could. Alyssa closed her eyes and felt a chill go through her as she realized that this really could be their last kiss. Reluctantly, he pulled away squeezing her hand in his. "God, I'm going to miss you."

            "I'll miss you too," she echoed, as their hands drifted apart.

            "I'll try to talk to you as soon as I can."

            Alyssa just nodded. "Good-"

            Sean held up his hand to stop her. "Don't say goodbye. It's too final. I'm coming back. I promise you that. I just don't want to end it like this."

            "Okay," she agreed, biting her lip. She looked up and saw that other soldiers were beginning to prepare for boarding. Sean just bent down and gave her another light kiss on her cheek before gathering his belongings and shooting her one last smile, turned around and started heading towards the gate.

            Alyssa watched him go through a film of tears. No matter what anyone said she was certain that this was God's way of punishing her for what had happened between her and Nick. All she knew that was of anything happened to him over in Iraq she really would not be able to live with herself. If he was killed, in her eyes it may just as well have been herself that pulled the trigger.

______________________________________________________________________________

Shayla adjusted her dark designer sunglasses along the bridge of her nose as she killed the engine of her Mercedes. She glared up at the house in front of her knowing exactly what she needed to do. Opening up the car door, she stepped out onto the asphalt driveway, making sure the manila envelope that she had brought with her was carefully tucked under her arm. She hadn't heard a word from Nick in almost two weeks now and nobody seemed to know about his whereabouts, but there was still one person she hadn't tried, and she had the feeling that this person would know exactly where he was hiding.

       Of course getting Alyssa to talk wasn't going to be easy. Shayla wasn't dumb in the least bit. That's why she'd printed off the copies of the pictures she'd found of her on Nick's laptop. She figured that she'd need a little motivation to supply her with the information she wanted. Shayla just knew that there had to be more going on between her husband and his ex-girlfriend, ever since the dinner party where Alyssa had mysteriously came up from the basement with smeared lipstick. She wasn't exactly sure what she would do if Alyssa did in fact confess to having an affair with Nick, but she knew that she couldn't live without him, so some sort of decision would have to be reached.

       Her high heeled sandals click clacked up the driveway until she reached the front door. She rang the doorbell and after only a few moments a surprised Alyssa answered the door. Her eyes looked puffy and had dark circles under them like she hadn't slept very well the night before and she was dressed in sweats with her hair thrown messily on top of her head. "Shayla?" she asked sounding confused. "What are you doing here?"

       "We need to talk," she sharply insisted, nearly knocking Alyssa over as she pushed past her into the house.

       "Uhh ok... But now really isn't the best time. I-"

       "Oh, it's the perfect time," Shayla nastily interrupted. "I'm not going to beat around the bush here. I know you know where Nick is. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you've been hiding him out somewhere, so that you can go and visit him every time your husband has his back turned. By the way, I heard about him being sent to Iraq. You must be relieved. Now you're free to fuck my husband right here in the comforts of your own home!"
      
       Alyssa gasped, looking as if she'd been slapped. "If you came here to accuse me of hiding Nick from you, please leave. Maybe Nick is hiding from you because you're a lying, manipulative bitch!"

       Shayla looked unfazed. "I find it ironic that you have the audacity to call me a lying bitch when you've done quite a bit of lying yourself there lately. In fact, you're lying to me right now."

       "Get out now before I call the police and they drag you out."

       "Not until you tell me not only where Nick is, but what's been going on between the two of you lately. I know that the two of you have been doing more than just hanging out together."

       Alyssa snorted. "There's nothing going on between Nick and I. But as his friend, I will say that what you did to him, lying about being pregnant, was extremely fucked up and I completely support his decision to divorce your sorry ass!"

       "Of course you support his decision, hun. In fact, you're hoping he divorces me! That way you can squeeze your way right into my place, right?"

       Alyssa had to hold herself back from lunging at the blonde woman in front of her. "For the last time, I'm not interested in Nick like that!"

       "But he is of you," she pointed out.

       Alyssa looked confused. "What is that supposed to mean?"

       Shayla just smirked and for the first time Alyssa noticed a manila envelope in her hands. She watched as Shayla opened the flaps on the envelope and pulled out what appeared to be some kind of photographs. Alyssa paled when her eyes finally came into  contact with the very same compromising pictures of herself that Nick had given her only a month or two ago. "Care to explain what these were doing on Nick's laptop?" she icily asked.

       She sputtered trying to get her mind to formulate a response. "Those pictures are really old. They were taken back when we first started dating. I didn't think that Nick still had them."

       "Bullshit. You probably gave them to him. You're a teacher, right? I wonder what your principal would think if these ever got into the wrong hands? You'd lose your job, wouldn't you?"

       "You wouldn't..." Alyssa gaped.

       "Oh, yes I would. That is unless you start talking and tell me the truth. The whole truth. Or else you won't have a job come September," Shayla threatened. "So, I'll ask you again. Where's Nick?"

       Fuck... Alyssa mouthed to herself, seeing that she was cornered. She had no choice, but to admit the whole truth to Shayla since she held all the cards at the moment. "He's staying at a condo about twenty minutes from here," she sighed. "It's a place he bought for me back when we were dating and I was supposed to move out here. It never wound up happening and he kept the place for himself to go when he needs to."

       "And I take it that you've seen him since he's been at this condo, huh?" she continued to interrogate.

       "Yes... Yes I have," Alyssa carefully admitted.

       She watched Shayla's lips tighten as she attempted to bring up the inevitable question. "And you've slept with him there, haven't you?"

       There it was. The million dollar question and Alyssa was unsure whether or not she should answer truthfully or not. She didn't have much choice she supposed. Every moment that she hesitated made it more and more obvious that the answer was yes. Her eyes floated downwards, not having the courage to meet Shayla's gaze. "I'm sorry Shayla..." Those were the only words she could get out.

       Surprisingly Shayla did not look very shocked. She'd probably mentally prepared herself for that admission. "I knew it! How long has this been going on between the two of you?"

       "Not very long," Alyssa admitted. "We only slept together twice and it was only after Nick decided he was going to divorce you. I swear that nothing happened between us before that point."

       Shayla raised her eyebrows suspiciously. "What about the dinner party last month? How exactly do you explain the fact that you're lipstick was perfectly intact when you went down to the basement to get those wine glasses, but once you came back up it was smeared?"

       Again Alyssa knew that she had been caught in another lie. "Okay. We did share a few kisses down in the basement, but you need to know that at the time I knew that it was wrong and I honestly tried to distance myself from Nick because I was afraid of hurting both you and Sean." The stress of the situation was beginning to eat away at her as her voice rose in distress. "I even told him that we should stop hanging out with each other. We were doing pretty good too until Sean and I had a fight and I ran off to the condo for the night not knowing he was there. That's exactly how it happened."

       The other woman rolled her eyes in disgust. "Sounds rather convenient to me."

       Alyssa sighed already feeling frustrated tears burn under her eyelids. "Nick and I have had a rather complicated past and I've only just recently realized that I don't think that we can be friends without flirting with the idea of something more. It's happened more than once to us, and although it certainly is no excuse for what we've done, it explains a lot. As hard as we try to stay apart from each other, fate just keeps pushing us together again. It's almost like a vicious cycle with us."

       "That's real cute that the two of you can't live without each other, but I'm sure as hell not going to sacrifice him by handing him to you on a silver platter. I love him too and I'm certainly not going to give up on our marriage, divorce or no divorce. So, you see where this could be a bit of a problem?"

       "I'm sorry Shayla. I'm not asking him to choose between me and you. Like I said, I never meant for this to happen between us and if it's easier for me to just cut myself out of his life; I'd do it in a heartbeat. The last thing I want to do is ruin his life or his marriage."

       Now it was Shayla's turn to sigh in defeat. "As much as I'd love that solution, it would never work. I know Nick and the fact that you're even less attainable will make you even more desirable to him." She paused as her eyebrow furrowed as if she was deep in thought. "As much as it pains me to admit this, I don't think that Nick's ever gotten over you and I don't think he ever will. It's obvious he loves you although I have no idea why. But as I said, I also love him and I'm not ready to let go of him either, so I see only one option in mind."

       Alyssa eyed her warily. "What exactly do you mean by that?"

       Shayla just smirked. "We reach a compromise. He's not ready to let go of you, and I'm not ready to let go of him, so the way I see it the only way of ensuring that everyone's happy is if he can have us both..." 

______________________________________________________________________________
       
       Nick must've ran just about every red light from the condo to Alyssa's house, because he arrived there in record time. He was actually surprised to have arrived there in one piece and without a speeding ticket. Normally he'd be more cautious, but when Alyssa had phoned him a little while ago, she'd sounded noticeably upset to him. She'd pleaded with him to come by the house because she wanted to see him and the need was quite clear in her voice. He'd at first tried to convince her to come over to the condo, but she'd been quite insistent on him coming to her. Nick decided that if it was that important to her something definitely had to be up. He knew that Sean had just left for Iraq, so maybe she just needed someone to talk to.

       When he got to the door and rang the doorbell though, he was not at all prepared for the Alyssa that met him. Instead of the grieving wife of a husband that had just left for war, he was confronted with a total sex kitten who looked like she'd just stepped off the pages of a Victoria's Secret catalogue. She came to the door clad only in a short purple and black nightie that barely grazed the top of her thighs. Her dark hair cascaded down her back in loose waves and was that a glass of champagne in her hands? This Alyssa seemed anything but upset like she had sounded over the phone. For the first time, Nick wondered if perhaps maybe it had just been a ploy to get him over there.

       Smirking at his stunned response to her appearance Alyssa grabbed his arm and pulled him inside, slamming the front door behind them. "I'm so glad that you're here," she purred, throwing her arms around his neck and pressing her body tightly against him. "I've been waiting."

       Before Nick could respond, her mouth enveloped his in a sweltering kiss that caught him completely off guard. He was almost too shocked to respond to the action. This certainly wasn't the reception he'd expected from her, but between the sweet taste of her lips against his, the light floral scent of her perfumed skin, and the thin, satin material of her outfit, he found himself having little problem going along with it. She broke contact with him, just long enough to ditch her champagne class onto the coffee table, finally giving Nick an opportunity to speak.

       "Is everything okay? You sounded pretty upset over the phone earlier," he rasped out.

       Alyssa just waved her hand. "Everything's fine now," she told him stepping closer to embrace him again. "Especially now that you're here." She raised herself onto the balls of her feet, so that her mouth grazed his ear. "I have a surprise for you."

       Nick couldn't help, but to grin wondering what it could be. Based on the way she'd met him at the door and her aggressive greeting, he could only guess that the 'surprise' had to be something sexual. "Oh, yea? What is it?"

       She just shook her head teasing him. "I can't tell you because it would ruin the surprise. It's upstairs though." She led him back towards the foot of the staircase, pausing for another steamy kiss.

       By now Nick was more than curious to see what exactly Alyssa had hiding up her sleeve. He groaned against her lips as he impatiently grabbed her hips and began to pull her up the steps not coming up for air the whole time. Alyssa nipped at his bottom lip as her hands dove under his shirt and tore it off his head, letting it fall somewhere along the middle of the stairs. By the time they reached the top landing, Alyssa was already fiddling with his belt as she backed into the nearest doorway which Nick assumed was the bedroom. Once they were inside it took a moment or two before he felt the presence of a third person in the room. Pulling away, he gasped as his eyes settled on Shayla who was standing near the bed, her hands on her hips. Like Alyssa she was also dressed in bedroom lingerie.

       His eyes darted back and forth between the two of them, not believing what he was seeing. This can't be what it looks like, he told himself. This has to be some kind of set up or something. Any minute or now they're both probably going to turn on me. He actually braced himself expecting the imminent confrontation, but shockingly enough it never came. In fact, the two women actually exchanged a glance and giggled! "Okay uhh can someone please explain what's going on here?"

       This only made Alyssa giggle harder. "Nick you're so adorable when you're clueless! It's very cute."

       "Yea, really," Shayla agreed. "I didn't think that the situation really required much explanation though. To me it seems pretty obvious."

       Nick's jaw actually dropped in shock. "Are you trying to tell me...?" He stumbled over his words already getting flustered. "If this is some kind of joke it's not funny. Please tell me you're not fucking with me?"

       "We're quite serious," Alyssa assured him.

       "Uh huh. We're definitely not fucking with you. At least not yet anyway," Shayla snickered.
      
       "Holy shit... What? How?" He sputtered.

       The two women exchanged another conspiring glance. "Well, Shayla confronted me about what was going on with you and me and kind of cornered me into confessing that we'd hooked up again," Alyssa admitted.

       "And since it's pretty evident that you don't want to let Alyssa go, but you're still married to me we decided that our best option would be a two for one special," Shayla continued with a smirk.

       "But you hate each other," he pointed out.

       "Pretty much, but if that's the only way to keep you interested in our relationship, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make," she confessed. "I'd do anything to ensure that you stick around."

       Another round of giggles escaped from Alyssa. "I think this is a first. Is Nick Carter actually reconsidering a chance for a threesome?"

       Hearing it said outright like that was enough to make Nick realize that both women were very serious about this. Yes, it was an extremely fucked up situation, one that he wouldn't have imagined actually happening in a million years, yet he also found the idea strangely hot in a disturbing way. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he knew exactly how much both women disliked each other, so he was hoping for some fiery passion between the two of them. After swallowing hard, he finally found himself able to respond. "No way. I'm totally fine with it. Seriously!"

       "Now that's more of the reaction I expected." Alyssa stepped closer to him. "Strip," she commanded.

       Nick did exactly what he was told, fumbling with the button to his jeans and pulling them off so clumsily, he was sure that he was a sight to see. He didn't care though. He wasn't completely shocked by Shayla's willingness to a threesome, but Alyssa? He never would've imagined it in his wildest dreams... Okay, maybe he had, but he was pretty damn sure those dreams would never turn into reality. One thing was for sure, she was certainly shocking the hell out of him today.
      
       Both women grabbed his arms and pulled him down onto the bed between them. Nick lay back against the pillows with a huge grin on his face. He still couldn't believe it, but hey he wasn't going to question what was being handed right to him. His eyes widened as both of them crawled up next to each side of him and leaned across his chest, giving him a perfect view of their mouths drawing nearer and nearer to each other. 

       This is the coolest thing that's ever happened in my life, he decided as their lips just barely touched...

       The loud beeping of his alarm clock sent Nick shooting up into a sitting position in bed, breathing heavily. Oh, my fucking God... Why did the alarm have to go off at precisely that moment? he wondered. His skin felt hot and his heart was still racing from the dream he'd just woken up from. It was probably one of the most fucked up ones he'd ever had, but he couldn't help but to feel disappointed that he'd been woken up just before it had began to get good. Never would happen in a million years, but it certainly would've been interesting.

       He pulled the blankets away from his body and stumbled towards the bathroom. Something told him that a cold shower was definitely in order at the moment.
      

APRIL FOOL'S!!!!

- In case you hadn't noticed (Which if you didn't what is wrong with you? Do you REALLY think I'd write a threesome? Much less one featuring Alyssa/ Nick/ Shayla? Maybe if I were on crack which many of you probably thought I was while reading this LOL) this is NOT the real Chapter 19. The first scene is from Chapter 19, but the rest was all an alternate chapter I wrote as a joke (Sorry! I couldn't resist!). I hope you thought it was funny. I have kind of a fucked up sense of humor, so I at least thought it would be funny. I'll post the REAL Chapter 19 in the next few days. Thanks for being such good sports! Hopefully I didn't piss anyone off. *hides*

Chapter 19 - The Power of Goodbye

            The guilt that Alyssa harbored over cheating on Sean with Nick did not fade away as easily as she'd hoped, and the next few days were harder on her than she'd ever imagined. Thankfully enough once Monday rolled around, Alyssa still had school to distract herself with. There was only about another week or two left before school let out for summer, and Alyssa was beginning to regret choosing not to volunteer to teach summer school. At least it would be something to get her mind off of the mess that was her personal life. Teaching became her escape from reality. Her classroom was the one place she could go and pretend that she was anyone else, but herself.

            She'd successfully managed to avoid Sean as much as she possibly could. So far, if he noticed her irregular behavior, he hadn't brought it up with her. She knew that it was only a matter of time though before he began to realize that something was up, and Alyssa wasn't sure how much longer she could keep the ugly truth inside. She could only pray that something would come up to make her inner struggle easier to fight.

            In some cruel, perverse way, God answered her prayers. It was only a few days before they were due back at the clinic for their follow up appointment to discuss their test results, when Sean arrived home from work one day looking pale and pensive. As soon as she saw the look in his eyes, she knew that the day that they had been fearing since mid- October had finally arrived. So, she wasn't at all surprised when he made the announcement that could potentially change their lives forever.

            "It's official. I'm going to Iraq. I ship out next weekend."

            Alyssa hadn't exactly known how to react. On one hand even though she'd known that him being deployed was inevitable, she couldn't help but to think that somehow this was all her fault, like her unfaithfulness had caused it to happen. Yes, she knew she should be grateful that he hadn't been taken from her sooner, but she couldn't deny the feeling of bad karma when it came to the timing of it all. Then there was actually the part of her that as cold as it sounded was actually relieved. Without him around for a while, it would certainly make it easier on her to put the past behind her. Of course if God forbid anything happened to him over in Iraq, she wouldn't be able to live with herself. The guilt that she'd been carrying would only grow to be ten times worse.

            They'd talked over what exactly they should do about their upcoming doctor's appointment. Sean didn't want anymore bad news before he left for Iraq and he'd pointed out that no matter what the results read, there wasn't much they could do at this point to change their fate. Besides, he didn't want to spend what little time they had left together in a doctor's office receiving potentially upsetting news. He urged Alyssa to reschedule the appointment until after he left, so that at least she'd be able to find out what the problem might be for future reference. She'd already called to cancel their appointment, but at the time chose not to reschedule, promising that she would be in touch. She doubted she ever would go back on her own.

            Their last few days together flew by all too quickly for Alyssa. It was strange, but knowing that he was going to be leaving made it easier for her to be around him. All she needed to do was pretend as if nothing had changed between them for a few days and then he'd be out of sight and hopefully at least a little out of mind. Then maybe she could begin to muddle through her confused emotions regarding her feelings for Nick. She hadn't spoken to Nick since sneaking out of the condo that morning, but he'd called her numerous times. There had even been a few calls on her cell that had been from a restricted number who she was more than positive was him trying to reach her. With Sean leaving, she could only deal with one hardship at a time.

            She and Sean's last night together was bittersweet. They'd tried to make it as romantic as possible, opting for a quiet, intimate dinner at home, versus going to a crowded restaurant and being surrounded by happy people. Then of course afterwards Alyssa knew that there was no way that she would be able to excuse herself from the farewell sex that was just expected. This time though, she was able to muster up at least a little bit of eagerness. As dead as their relationship had been as of lately, and as tainted as she felt after sleeping with Nick, she had still cared about Sean a great deal at one time. To think that he could possibly not make it back alive from Iraq was enough for her to be able to temporarily push her guilt aside and make love to him for what could very well be the very last time. She did it more to provide herself with a sense of closure than anything else.

            After it was all over, and the enormity of what was about to happen to him fully hit her, Alyssa couldn't help but to burst into tears. Always one to comfort her, Sean had held her close and stroked her back, trying to console her. But it was impossible. Alyssa was just simply inconsolable. He didn't understand that she wasn't just crying because he was leaving her to fight a dangerous war for their country. She was crying because she'd failed him as a wife. Not only did she disappoint him by not being able to bear any of his children before this point, but she'd gone off and found comfort in the arms of another man; a man that Sean despised. And through it all he didn't suspect for one moment that she'd been unfaithful to him at all. If anything, he thought she was just taking his leaving very roughly. If only he'd known the real reason for her tears.

Finally somewhere in the middle of the night she'd finally cried herself to sleep only to be awoken a few hours later to have to go with him to the airport to see him off. The entire morning passed her by as if she was in a fog, until finally she found herself standing with him at the air force base, realizing that they only had a few precious moments left together.

            "I promise that I'll try to keep on touch the best that I can," Sean began, breaking the awkward silence between them. "I'll call whenever I can get near a phone and I packed my laptop and my webcam, so we can talk through e-mail and instant messages and stuff."

            Alyssa just nodded. She should be used to tearful airport goodbyes by now. Lord knows she'd had more than her share of them from her experience dating Nick in the past. But then again this was a different situation entirely. On each of these occasions when she'd seen Nick off on his next tour or overseas recording session, she always knew that he'd definitely be back eventually. With Sean going over to Iraq, Alyssa didn't have that automatic guarantee. There was always that possibility that he'd return home in a body bag instead.

            Sean sighed at her silent reply. Obviously he seemed frustrated by her lack of words and was beginning to run out of things to say to keep the conversation going. "Lyss, please say something," he begged. "This could be our last five minutes together and I'm already running out of things to say to you. Please tell me what's going on in that head of yours."

            Alyssa sadly looked back up at the pleading expression in his eyes. His cleanly pressed uniform made the reality of the moment that much more severe. If only she could tell him what was really going on in her head at the moment. If only she could admit to him the guilt that she was feeling over his departure. How she felt that this was somehow her punishment for sleeping with Nick. Somehow though, she got the feeling that now was not the time or place to admit to her infidelity, so instead she did the best to push those feelings aside and focus in on the fears that she could admit to him. "I'm sorry I'm so quiet. I guess that it just hasn't really sunk in until just now that this is it. You're really leaving," she tearfully admitted. "It's not like I shouldn't have been prepared. We both knew that this day would come, but now that's it finally here it just feels really surreal."

            Sean looked at her sympathetically as he wrapped his arms protectively around her and pulled her body close to his. "I know. I can barely believe it either. It just feels like a scene out of some bad war movie or something. I don't think it's really going to hit me until I'm on the plane."

            Alyssa broke her gaze with him and focused down on the ground sniffling. "I'm sorry that I disappointed you. I feel like I failed as a wife because I wasn't able to give you the one thing you really wanted."

            He frowned appearing confused. "What do you mean? How did you disappoint me?"

            "I wasn't able to get pregnant. I know how badly you wanted to a child and now you might never get that chance," she explained. "I feel like it's my fault. That I shattered your dream."

            Sean looked startled by her confession and immediately reached down to cup her chin, so that he was sure that she was looking at him straight in the eyes. "Hey, I need you to know that I don't blame you, okay? I'll admit that I really did want a child before this point, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be. It's just not the right time for us and I'm sure that when I get back and things settle down it'll happen like it's supposed to. Besides..." He paused letting his hands drift down to her stomach. "Who knows? For all we know we could have a little son or daughter in there already and not even know it yet."

            Alyssa tightened her lips, but nodded in agreement as she reached up to brush away a few stray tears that had trickled down her cheeks. She would love to have shared Sean's optimism, but she found it impossible. After eight months of unsuccessfully trying to be become pregnant, she doubted that in the last few weeks it had just magically happened, but she didn't want to tell him this. She was just opening her mouth to say something in response when she heard the sound of Ian's voice a few feet away where he stood with Kim and their newborn son Gavin. "Sean, they're starting to get ready to board so you may want to wrap it up."

            "Thanks man," he shouted back, turning his attention back to Alyssa. Even he sounded a bit choked up. "Well, I guess this is it."

            The tears that Alyssa had fought on and off broke free as she tightened her grip around him. "Please try to stay safe," she begged. "I don't want to see you on the local news unless it's for doing something heroic."

            "I'll try," he promised. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and bent down to kiss her softly and as slowly as he possibly could. Alyssa closed her eyes and felt a chill go through her as she realized that this really could be their last kiss. Reluctantly, he pulled away squeezing her hand in his. "God, I'm going to miss you."

            "I'll miss you too," she echoed, as their hands drifted apart.

            "I'll try to talk to you as soon as I can."

            Alyssa just nodded. "Good-"

            Sean held up his hand to stop her. "Don't say goodbye. It's too final. I'm coming back. I promise you that. I just don't want to end it like this."

            "Okay," she agreed, biting her lip. She looked up and saw that other soldiers were beginning to prepare for boarding. Sean just bent down and gave her another light kiss on her cheek before gathering his belongings and shooting her one last smile, turned around and started heading towards the gate.

            Alyssa watched him go through a film of tears. No matter what anyone said she was certain that this was God's way of punishing her for what had happened between her and Nick. All she knew that was of anything happened to him over in Iraq she really would not be able to live with herself. If he was killed, in her eyes it may just as well have been herself that pulled the trigger.

            Nick trudged through the lobby of the office building that housed his publicist Diane Hopkins. Diane, a sharp witted, no nonsense woman, had been managing his career since even before he'd released his solo album and had gotten him through some pretty messy media scandals in the past. He smirked, thinking about all the shit he'd gotten into that Diane had bailed him out of throughout the years. He definitely had made sure that her job was anything, but boring. Between arrests, his partying lifestyle, and of course the whole Paris situation, he'd had to withstand a lot of Diane's ranting lectures in his younger days, but in more recent years he'd definitely calmed down a lot, especially since marrying Shayla. So, when Diane had called him that morning, demanding that he meet with her immediately, he found himself a little confused as to what she wanted. As far as he knew he hadn't done anything that would require "immediate damage control" as she liked to call it, so he was at a loss. But he knew from experience that it was no use arguing with the woman. When she said she needed to speak with him she always meant business.

            Not much had changed for him in the past week or two since he'd discovered that Shayla had lied to him about the baby and he'd hooked up with Alyssa. He was still laying low at the condo although he heard from several of his friends that Shayla was frantic in trying to find out where he was. It might have seemed cowardly, but he still wasn't ready to face her just yet. He'd called his lawyer yesterday to inquire about starting the divorce proceedings between the two of them, but hadn't yet made any solid plans to meet with him about drawing up the papers yet. He wasn't looking forward to it. Somehow he had a feeling that Shayla would do everything in her power to make the process difficult for him. He didn't want a nasty divorce plastered over the tabloids, but he also knew that it would be unrealistic to expect their marriage to end amicably.

            He took the elevator straight up to the floor of Diane's office and the moment he walked in the door, her secretary motioned for him to head right in. When he finally entered her private office, he found her standing behind her desk, her arms firmly crossed in front of her. Feeling as if he was a kid being sent to the principal's office, Nick slunk down in the seat across from her desk. Somehow he got the distinct feeling that whatever this meeting was about it was going to result in him getting bitched out. Trying to break the ice he laughed nervously. "Whatever it is, I didn't do it."

            Diane did not appear amused by his sense of humor. "Yes Nick, I forgot. You never do anything. You just have a remarkable talent for getting yourself into the most compromising situations, while still remaining completely innocent."

            "Well, I try," he sheepishly replied, his eyes darting around the office nervously. "But seriously... What's this all about? I swear I've been good lately. Okay, maybe there were those tabloid pictures of Alyssa and I a few months ago, but that's blown over by now and it wasn't that big of a deal."

            His publicist seemed to ignore his question for the moment just narrowing her eyes at him before she began to explain herself. "I spoke with your lawyer today."

            "Oh?" Nick wasn't exactly sure what her having a conversation with his lawyer had to do with her demanding he come down and speak with her the first thing that morning, but he had a feeling that there had to be some unforeseen crisis he didn't know about.

            "When were you planning on informing me that you were thinking about divorcing your wife?"

            There it was. There was the reason she felt the need to leap into damage control mode. He really should've known better by now than to assume that his publicist wouldn't freak out about his plans to divorce Shayla. Obviously it would have some kind of impact on his public image. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Good news sure travels fast, huh?"

            "Cut the crap Nick and get to the point. What's the deal with you and Shayla?"

            Seeing that he was defeated, Nick took in a deep breath and began his explanation. "Well, without disclosing too many details, Shayla did something to ruin any ounce of trust I did have in her, and I've decided that I can't be married to somebody that I can't trust. I would've told you sooner, but this was only something I decided in the last week or two. Right now I'm staying at one of my other places and I only called my lawyer to inquire about divorce proceedings. Nothing is finalized just yet."

            Diane looked strangely relieved. "Great!" She clapped her hands together. "So, then it's still not too late to talk you out of making a very grave mistake."

            "Talk me out of what?" Nick looked shocked at her reaction. "You dragged my ass down here to try and convince me not to divorce my wife after she did the unthinkable to me all because you think I'm making a mistake?"

            "Oh, I don't think. I know," she confidently replied. "Nick do you realize what marrying Shayla has done for your career? Just a few years ago people saw you as a joke. Just another notorious pop star with a messed up family. Your antics were entertaining, yes, but they didn't exactly win you any brownie points with the media either. Then all of a sudden you meet Shayla and you turn yourself around. You lost weight... Projected a more positive image of yourself... People began to give you a second chance. You and Shayla make a gorgeous couple and people love that. Your approval rating is way up right now. If the two of you were to break it off now... Well, I'm afraid that it would just undo everything you've worked so hard to put behind you."

            Nick just rolled his eyes. "My approval rating? Who the fuck am I? The President?"

            Diane glared at him. "No, but like it or not Nick, you are in the public eye. You and Shayla are both celebrities and even if you don't realize it, people scrutinize every move you make. A divorce would be disastrous to both your careers. Do you really want your personal affairs to be dragged out into the middle of some supermarket tabloid for everyone to read?"

            "Well when you put it that way..."

            The older woman just sighed as she switched tactics, picking up a copy of US Weekly and flipping to a page that contained a picture of him and Shayla, happily smiling at a red carpet event only a few weeks prior. "Read the caption for me," she demanded.

            "Backstreet Boy Nick Carter and his entertainment reporter wife, Shayla showing their faces at the MTV Movie Awards last month in LA," he read in a dull voice. "The couple who just recently celebrated their second anniversary together says that the secret to keeping their relationship so strong is being supportive of one another's careers and keeping open communication with each other." He stopped and snorted. "Yeah, total bullshit."

            "And this one," she continued, opening up another magazine. This picture was a paparazzi photo of him and Shayla shopping in a children's clothing store in downtown LA. The picture was actually from a few months ago and they'd been shopping for Grace's birthday present back in March.

            Nick cleared his throat. "E! news correspondent Shayla Carter and her husband, Nick were recently spotted shopping at Kitson Baby. Sources say that they purchased clothing for a friend's toddler, but they did linger over the infant section. Could there possibly be a baby Carter on the way?"

            "See? America is already waiting for the two of you to start popping out some kids." Nick just bit his lip. The subject of the two of them having children was a very touchy one, especially in light of recent events. He wasn't about to tell Diane though that was the reason he was considering divorcing Shayla. He felt like it would do neither one of them any good to spill their personal matters out into the open like that. He'd prefer to keep the subject as private as possible.

            Diane reached over and opened up one last magazine. She flipped it open and rifled through the pages until she reached the article she was looking for and placed it underneath Nick's nose. The title read, "Ten Hollywood Couples Who Have Exceeded Our Expectations." In the first box on the page, he noticed his own name along with Shayla's in bold red print with a picture of the two of them besides it. Luckily, for this particular excerpt Diane took it upon herself to pick up the magazine and read the words to him. "We have to admit that when he heard that Backstreet Boy Nick Carter was getting married, our bets were that the marriage would last maybe six months tops. It's no secret that that Nick loves to party and let's face it; his past relationships haven't been all that successful. (Paris Hilton, anyone?) Surprisingly enough, married life seems to be suiting Nick well. He and his wife Shayla (who you probably recognize from E! News) just celebrated their second anniversary, shattering most of our expectations. Both Nick and Shayla have had successful years career wise with Nick wrapping up another world tour with the Backstreet Boys and starting his own record label, and Shayla beginning production on her own weekly entertainment show, slated to premiere on E! this fall. And wouldn't you know it? The two of them are actually beginning to grow on us! It should be exciting to see what's next around the corner for this couple.'

            Nick sighed. "Okay. I get it. For once the media actually approves of who I'm with and what I'm doing with my life. They like me with Shayla, but they're only seeing one side of things. They're seeing what they want to see. They don't know what goes on between us behind closed doors at home."

            "You do realize though that if you and Shayla get divorced at this point, you're going to be the one they are going to pin the blame on, right?" Diane pointed out. "Especially since there really haven't been any telltale signs of the two of you having problems. They're going to assume that you being your typical self ran out and cheated on her."

            "I didn't cheat on her!" Nick insisted. Well, at least not before she betrayed me, he silently added, although he didn't exactly consider sleeping with Alyssa ‘cheating' on his side since he'd already at that point told Shayla that he didn't want her in his life. "If anything she's the one to blame. She-"

            Diane held up a hand to cut him off. "I don't know what she did. All I'm trying to say is that I think you should give this whole divorce thing a second thought. I don't care if she cheated on you or whatnot, but there are less drastic measures. Like marriage counseling for instance."

            "And how exactly is the precious media going to react when they find out that Shayla and I are going for marriage counseling?" he challenged.

            The older woman just shrugged. "It could be a positive. It worked for Ryan and Reese. The media had a lot of respect for them when they announced they were seeing a therapist."

            Nick rolled his eyes. "In case you've forgotten counseling didn't work for Ryan and Reese. They're divorced now. So, obviously it couldn't have helped too much."

            "At least they tried, which is more than I can say for you. Nick, you do realize how much bad publicity a divorce is going to give you, right? And maybe it doesn't bother you, but bad publicity for you directly means bad publicity for your label as well. Think about how your artists are going to be affected being so closely tied with your name? It could destroy their careers before they've even started. Do you really think anyone is going to take them seriously?"

            He hadn't thought about that one. He froze for a moment realizing that for once she actually had a valid point there. His mind drifted back to Kina for the moment. They'd been hauling ass to get her album recorded and he was currently pushing for a late fall release, just in time for the holidays. After all the hard work she'd put in, Nick would feel horrible of her album bombed not because it sucked, but because her single didn't get radio play all because people thought he was a joke. He couldn't do that to Kina or to any of the other artists who were preparing to record their albums. Maybe he should hold off on the divorce until at least Kina released her first single?

            Seeing that she'd gotten to him Diane triumphantly grinned. "You see where I'm coming from now, huh? I'm not asking you to think about this to make your life miserable. I just think that you should think this over more carefully. My suggestion would be for you to informally separate for the time being if you need to. Maybe the time apart will be just what you need to fix whatever problems you're going through."

            Nick couldn't think of any more reason to argue with her. He sighed, knowing that he was defeated at least for the time being. In no way was he ready to forgive Shayla, but maybe he would give it a little more time before working on those divorce papers just yet. He wasn't sure if he was quite ready to deal with the media backlash and he sure as hell didn't want it interfering with the emergence of his label. He just needed a little more time to figure out a plan for dealing with the situation when it arose. "Fine you win," he grudgingly admitted. "I'll think it through a little more carefully and get back to you in a few weeks when I decide what I want to do."

            Diane looked smug as she triumphantly grinned. "I knew that you'd see it my way eventually."

            The rest of the month of June was difficult for Alyssa without Sean around. As much as she wished he'd just disappear before being deployed to Iraq, she soon realized the house was empty without him. She'd lived alone for a large chunk of her twenties, so she figured that this shouldn't be much different. Unfortunately, it was much harder than she had originally thought. With the school year now officially finished, Alyssa found that she had nothing but free time on her hands; free time that she spent a large part of playing the blame game with herself. As guilty as she felt, there was that tiny devilish voice in her head that reminded her with Sean gone it would make it so easy for her to explore the new territory that had been opened up to her by sleeping with Nick. It took a lot of willpower, but she managed to somehow ignore it. As tempting as the idea was, it wouldn't be solving anything, just opening up a new can of worms. She'd already caused enough problems in her marriage, so to turn it into a full blown affair would be just asking for trouble. So, she continued to ignore any attempt at contact from Nick and tried to get by day by day.

            Callie and Kim turned out to be a great source of comfort, since the two other women were going through exactly the same thing as her. Both of their husbands had been sent off to Iraq at the same time Sean was and in some ways their situation was even worse because both of them were forced to raise children on their own for the time being. Kim especially was finding it difficult to balance a newborn and a job all on her own. Now that school was out, Alyssa had offered to watch Gavin while Kim went to work during the week, which worked out well for the time being. Once September came though, Kim feared that she'd have to either look into daycare or quit her job.

As awkward as being around an infant was for Alyssa, she actually found her childcare gig comforting in a weird way. She felt good being able to do something to help out a friend, and taking care of Gavin did give her a little bit of something to get her mind off her situation with Sean and Nick. It may have sounded a little crazy, but sometimes Alyssa liked to pretend as if Gavin was really her son. She liked people mistaking her for a mother when she bought him along for her daily errands. It only made her more anxious for the day that she'd have a child of her own to care for.

Before she knew it July had already begun and it was 4th of July weekend. This year the holiday fell on a Saturday and instead of taking up Izzy on her offer of attending a party at her house, Alyssa opted to just invite Callie, Kim, and the kids over for a small barbeque. She was too scared of Nick showing up and she definitely did not want to face him. She figured that she probably couldn't hide from him forever, but it was tempting to try. Her impromptu party had went well and at the moment the three women were sitting on Alyssa's porch, Alyssa and Callie sipping beer as they watched Callie's two children, Richard and Carly, catch lightening bugs on the front lawn in paper cups. Gavin was inside sleeping although Kim had taken the baby monitor outside with her, expecting him to wake up any minute now from the loud noise of the fireworks already beginning to go off.

            A large burst of bright color exploded against the black sky and the women watched as both Carly and Richard gazed up at the sky in astonishment at the sight. Alyssa noticed a sad far away look on Callie's face as she watched the reaction of her children to the fireworks. Their eyes locked and Callie sighed as she took a sip of her beer. "Steve should be here to see this," she wistfully stated. "Yea, I could snap picture after picture to send him, but it still wouldn't be the same."

            Kim and Alyssa just nodded in agreement, both understanding exactly where she was coming from. "How are the kids reacting to Steve being gone?" Alyssa curiously asked. "How did you explain it to them?"

            "It's been a little rough," she explained, playing with her beer bottle. "They're still so young that they don't really fully understand what's going on. Rich is so little that it doesn't seem to affect him too much. He asks where Daddy is every few days and I've just been telling him that Daddy had to go on a trip for work and he won't be back for a long time. He seems to accept that, but Carly is more difficult. She's at that age where she's full of questions." Callie smirked. "Do you know she actually asked me if Steve was on vacation the other day? She got so upset because she thought that ‘Daddy had went off to Disney World' without us. Ironically, he's in the farthest place from Disney World. I tried to explain to her that he wasn't on vacation, but he was actually sent to another country for a few months to try and help the people there. She keeps coming up with new questions to ask and I'm always struggling to find ways to answer them. Now she's having trouble sleeping at night without Daddy to tuck her in... It's been a fun few weeks."

            "Eesh," Kim responded, shaking her head. "It's so sad to see the effect that this stuff has on kids. It's true though. How do you explain to a young child that their father is out fighting in a dangerous war and you may not ever see him again? You must feel bad for sugarcoating it like that, but there's no other way. You want to still protect their innocence."

            "Exactly. I feel guilty not being entirely truthful, but she's only five. I can't tell a five year old that." Callie stopped and sighed. "Sometimes I really hate this country for dragging on this damn war. I know it's fucked up to say, especially on today of all days, but this should've ended years ago. How many more families have to be torn apart before the government decides this is senseless and finally just gives up? I mean look at you for instance Kim. You and Ian just had Gavin barely even a month ago and already he's gone. Now you're struggling to raise an infant on your own and thankfully you have your family and Alyssa and I to help, but its still got to be stressful for you, right?"

            Kim nodded her head. "More than you imagine. I guess I should be thankful because Gavin really is a pretty easy baby. I mean I've heard some mothers having to wake up every hour on the hour, but of course he doesn't sleep through the night yet. At first, Ian was around to get up with me when it came down to feeding, but now that it's just me, it's definitely a lot harder. I'm exhausted almost all of the time. Don't get me wrong... I feel so blessed to have Gavin and I'm still in awe that he belongs to me, but I have to admit that being a mother is a lot harder of a job than I thought it would be. Especially without Ian around to help out. I mean I look at some of my other friends my age and it's like we're in two different worlds. They're finishing up college and starting out their careers, buying themselves nice things... Most of them are still single and kids are the furthest thing on their minds right now. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I was better off not getting married so young and going off to college. Does that make me a selfish person?"

            "Not at all," Alyssa assured her. "I give you credit. When I was twenty-three and twenty-four I couldn't handle everything that you're going through. When I was younger I thought I could. I was even engaged for a bit at twenty-one and twenty-two, but I realize now it was probably a good thing we broke it off. We definitely weren't ready at the time."

            "You were engaged to Sean at that young? What happened?" the younger woman asked curiously. Alyssa winced, almost forgetting that she had kept most of her personal past a secret from her two neighbors.

            She shook her head. "No, I didn't know Sean at the time. It was to someone else. Anyway the point is it's very tough to make a decision like that at such a young age and I think it takes a certain person to handle marriage and a child at your age," she quickly changed the subject. "You're doing a great job."

            Kim looked relieved by the compliment. "Thanks Alyssa. That means a lot to me. It's like the past two or three years of my life just flew by like crazy. One minute I was engaged, and then I got married, and then before I knew it I was already pregnant. I almost wish that things had just happened a little bit slower is all." She paused. "I'm just afraid now that Gavin might grow up never knowing his father."

            "You can't think that way Kim. You have to think positively. I know it's hard because I have the same fears with Rich and Carly, but you have to be strong," Callie urged her.

            Alyssa now felt guiltier than ever sitting in between the two of them. Here these girls are worrying that their children might never get a chance to know their fathers and I'm meanwhile almost glad that Sean is gone for now, she thought to herself, taking a large gulp of her beer. I'm so selfish. I could have it so much worse. "Wow... I don't think I've ever realized just how hard this is on you guys too," she finally spoke up. "I've been so wrapped up in being depressed about not getting pregnant; I guess this might just be a blessing in disguise."

            "Oh, we didn't mean to make it sound like your problems are insignificant compared to ours," Callie jumped to apologize.

            "Absolutely!" Kim agreed, nodding her head. "I mean your situation sucks too. At least we have our children to help us get by and you don't even have that. Plus Sean leaving now really is bad timing for you. You guys haven't even hit the one year mark, right?"

            Alyssa slowly nodded. "It'll be our one year anniversary next weekend. And my birthday is towards the end of the month."

            "Ouch," Callie sympathized. "Well, if you need anyone to distract you, you're welcome to give me a call and we can hang out."

            "Or me! Sometimes it does get a little lonely when Gavin actually is sleeping."

            "Thanks girls. I may just take you up on that offer." Raising her beer bottle she rolled her eyes as she proclaimed a toast. "I guess we can say Happy fucking Birthday America, right?"

            "I'll drink to that!" Callie enthusiastically agreed as she clinked her bottle against Alyssa's and Kim's water bottle.

Chapter 20 - Table For One

            The next week leading up to Alyssa and Sean's first wedding anniversary passed by in a blur for Alyssa. Although she finally found herself beginning to adjust to not having Sean around, it did not make her miss him any less. At first, a part of her had felt a little relieved that they'd have some space between them, but after her conversation with Kim and Callie the week before, she'd done a lot of thinking about her feelings for Sean. Right before he left, she'd felt incredibly mixed up; torn between her feelings for him and her feelings for Nick. The guilt associated with sleeping with Nick had still been quite fresh in her mind at the time. Now as time passed the guilt had finally begin to subside slightly. Not to say that she was completely over what had happened between them. She wasn't sure if that would ever happen. She'd just reached a point of understanding where she was able to analyze her relationships with both men and she'd come to the conclusion that although she felt an amazing physical attraction to Nick, she wasn't sure if she could actually see them having a relationship. Sean on the other hand may have lacked that excitement and passion, but underneath all of that was really a very genuine and sweet guy; the kind of guy she knew would take care of her and be a good father someday to their children. Nick had made it quite clear that children just really weren't on his agenda which Alyssa had definite problems with. Sean may not have come off as the better man on the surface, but a part of Alyssa did truly care for him and even loved him. And she'd pissed that all away, sending him off without truly conveying that.

            Alyssa tried to keep herself as busy as possible so that she didn't have the time to dwell on her personal problems. Babysitting Gavin took up a lot of her time and energy. She found that by the time Kim came by to pick him up at the end of the day, she was completely exhausted. She wasn't sure what was wrong with her lately, but she'd come very lethargic and it wasn't as if she was doing a lot. She was much busier during the school year. Now she'd sit down on the couch for a few minutes and next thing she knew she'd be out for a little cat nap. She really needed to start taking more vitamins and eating healthier. Since Sean had been gone, she'd had little desire to cook for just herself, so more often than not she'd pick up some fast food or pop a TV dinner into the microwave if she decided to eat at all.

            Now that the day of her anniversary had arrived, Alyssa was unsure of exactly how she should feel. She'd always imagined that her first wedding anniversary would be full of excitement and romance and overall just a very special, memorable occasion. She supposed she could classify this as memorable at least. The fact that she was spending it alone while her husband was overseas was certainly something that she couldn't forget.

            Even though both Callie and Kim had offered to hang out with her today and get her mind off of Sean, Alyssa had politely declined, instead opting to spend the day by herself. She knew that it would probably be pretty lonely, but she just didn't feel like having to pretend that today was just another day and that everything was perfectly fine. Since it was a Saturday, she didn't have to watch Gavin today, so she'd pulled the covers over her head and spent most of the morning catching up on much needed sleep.

            The shrill sound of the phone ringing around 11:30 forced Alyssa to pop out of the tightly wrapped comforter she had cocooned herself and pick up the phone. "Hello?" she answered groggily.

            "Happy Anniversary baby," Sean's voice greeted her on the other end of the line.

            "Sean?" The sound of his voice was enough to completely perk her right up. "It's so great to hear from you! I didn't think that you'd be able to call today at least I wasn't counting on it."

            She could practically picture him grinning on the other end of the line. "Well, I only have a few minutes, but did you honestly think I'd let our first wedding anniversary go by without doing everything in my power to talk to you?"

            Just hearing his voice was enough to cause Alyssa to be overcome with emotion. Already she could feel tears stinging her eyes and she immediately felt stupid. God, I'm crying at the drop of a hat lately. When did I turn into such a sap? she wondered as she wiped her eyes. "You don't know how happy I am to hear your voice again. I've missed you so much and it's only been what? Two weeks?"

            "I know. I've missed you too. I hope that you're doing okay on the base by yourself. I keep thinking about you all the time. It makes the time pass quicker as corny and cliché as it sounds," he admitted.

            "That's not corny at all," she whispered. "I've been surviving. Callie, Kim, and I have been leaning on each other a lot for support since you all left. I've been helping them out a lot with the kids. I'm watching Gavin during the week for Kim while she works."

            "I hope that's not weird for you being around a baby and all that," Sean commented in a concern voice.

            Alyssa shook her head. "No, it's actually kind of comforting in a way. It makes me even more excited for you to come back, so we can keep trying."

            "Have you made an appointment to go down to the fertility clinic again by yourself to get the results?"

            "No, not yet," she replied. "Everything's just been a little crazy right now, so that's put on hold for a bit."

            Thankfully Sean decided to change the subject. "So, are you doing anything special today to celebrate?"

            Again Alyssa shook her head. "Uh, uh. It just doesn't seem quite right to celebrate without you. I'll probably get up and do some housework or something. Maybe I'll splurge and order a pizza or something tonight. Sounds exciting right? What about you? How is everything going over there?"

            "Not too bad yet. We haven't really been in any combat situations just yet thank God. I heard-" At that point the line was full of static and Alyssa found herself unable to hear what Sean was saying.

            Grr! Damn long distance service, she grumbled to herself as her voice searched for him through the muffled reception. "Sean? Sean? Are you still there?"

            "Alyssa? I can't... too well. I think... cut off." She frowned trying to fill in the blanks with the odd word or two she was able to catch as he was breaking up. "I lov-" Click. The line went dead before he could even finish his sentence.

            Alyssa stared down at the phone in frustration as her fingers dejectedly pressed the end key. It wasn't fair that the first time she'd gotten to talk to him since he'd arrived in Iraq, they had to be separated by a bad connection. And on their anniversary no less.

            Just my luck. She rolled her eyes as she slid out of bed figuring that she may as well get out of bed and at least attempt to do something productive. It was a lot better alternative than sitting around sulking all day.

            A few hours later Alyssa was standing on her kitchen in a pair of raggy sweats and a three quarter sleeved football jersey style shirt with her hair piled messily on top of her head. She was struggling to push the vacuum cleaner across the carpet when she heard her doorbell ring over the loud noise. "I'm coming!" she shouted as she switched off the vacuum and  made her way towards the front door wondering who it was She hoped it wasn't Callie or Kim or any of her other friends stopping by to check up on her. She really wasn't much in the mood for company at all.

            When she opened up the door she was surprised to see a delivery man holding a large bouquet of flowers in his arms. "I have a flower delivery for Mrs. Alyssa Robinson," he reported.

            "That's me," she told him as she took the pad and pencil from his hand and signed for the delivery the whole time wondering who they were from. Probably Sean, she thought with a smile. Even though he was halfway around the world he'd still found some way to do something special for her which cheered her up a great deal. He's too sweet.

            The man handed her the bouquet of flowers and nodded his head at her. "Have a great day and congratulations."

            "Thank you." She shut the door behind him and carried the bouquet of flowers back into the kitchen, so that she could get a vase to put them in. Once she located one she started to unwrap the cellophane paper around them until she spotted a card. Setting the flowers down on the table, she picked up the card and opened it gasping at the message that was written inside.

To Alyssa,

            Happy First Anniversary! I know that you're going through a rough time right now and I know that it's tough not having Sean here with you today, so I thought that the flowers might cheer you up. If you ever need a friend to talk to, please give me a call. I know that things have gotten weird between us, but I also don't want to lose you as a friend.

                                                                                                                                  Love, Nick

            Alyssa stood there frozen in shock. She'd never in a million years expect the flowers to have come from Nick. She knew he meant it as an innocent gesture, but after what had went on between them, the move seemed all too coincidental. She hadn't even remembered ever telling Nick the date of her anniversary. Izzy probably mentioned it to him, she deduced. She blew out a huge breath, not sure exactly what she should do. Simple etiquette told her that the polite thing to do would be to call him up and thank him for the flowers, but that would require having a conversation with him, which she was hesitant about. She'd just about convinced herself that her feelings for him were just created out of self doubt over her relationship with Sean. Now that he was sending her flowers and offering her a shoulder to lean on, those feelings of confusion were beginning to creep up on her again. Damn him, she silently cursed as she stared at the phone, wondering what to do.

            After a few moments of considering her options, Alyssa realized how dumb she was being. She couldn't hide from Nick forever and that's exactly what she'd been doing for the past few weeks. She couldn't just cut him out of her life and expect him to vanish into thin air. He was always going to be around and she was going to have to deal with him eventually. Better to clear the air between them now before the situation got any worse. Besides, if she really cared as much about Sean as she seemed to think she did, she should have no problem discussing with Nick the night they had shared and hopefully then she'd finally be able to put the ordeal to rest.

            Very tentatively, she picked up the phone and bit her lip as she dialed Nick's cell phone number. It rang a once or twice before she heard Nick answer on the other end.

            "Ahh, so you're alive after all," he teased. "I was beginning to think that you had vanished off the face of the earth. You know, I thought I was supposed to be the one to run off and not call afterwards, not the other way around. You don't strike me as much of the ‘love em and leave em' type."

            Alyssa just rolled her eyes into the air. "I'm not. I just had a lot of thinking to do. There was a lot of shit I needed to figure out." She quickly remembered her original purpose for calling and momentarily shifted the conversation. "I just wanted to thank you for the flowers. I definitely wasn't expecting them from you, but it was a sweet thing to do."

            "No problem," he told her. "Izzy told me about Sean being deployed and everything and I really thought that you'd probably be pretty bummed today. So, I thought the flowers might brighten up your day a little bit."

            Her expression softened. When did he decide to become so sweet? she wondered. "They were very thoughtful of you."

            "So, how are you holding up? You sound kind of down. Have you heard from Sean at all?"

            "I'm doing okay. As good as can be expected I guess. I'm a little lonely without him around, but I guess that's normal," she reported. "He called earlier and we talked for a few minutes, but then we got disconnected."

            "That sucks," Nick sympathized. "Please tell me that you're at least spending tonight with some friends or something though, right? Sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself is only going to get you more depressed."

            Alyssa hesitated for a moment. "Actually I'm not doing anything tonight. My two neighbors offered to keep me company, but they have their kids and right now I just don't feel like being around all that. It'll be okay though. I'll probably curl up with a book or something to get my mind off of things."

            "That's really not good," he chastised. "You need to be around other people right now. As it is I know since Sean has gone to Iraq you haven't hung out with Izzy or Teri or Tricia. You need your friends now more than ever."

            Since when is he such an expert on what I need? Alyssa wondered, taken back by his criticism. "Well, thanks for your opinion, but I'd rather be alone right now."

            "I'm coming over," he impulsively announced. "I'm coming over to keep you company and I'm going to bring you some dinner and some movies to get your mind off being alone for a while."

            "Nick that's really not necessary... I'll be fine on my own. I'm just really not up to any visitors right now."

            If Nick heard her he just kept talking as if he hadn't. "Should I bring Chinese or should I just do pizza? What are you in the mood for? And definitely a funny movie, right?"

            "Nick! I'm really not in the mood to be around anyone. You're not coming over."

            "Come on Lyss," he begged. "You can't say no because I'll just show up anyway. I'm worried about you." He paused and continued in a more serious tone of voice. "Listen if you're afraid of something happening like the last time we were together, I promise I'm not going to try anything, especially not on your wedding anniversary. That would just be wrong on so many levels."

            Alyssa was silent for a moment as she thought it over. It was so strange him bringing up the last time they were together like it was no big deal really. But he had a point there. Even he realized how fucked up it would be if they hooked up again tonight of all nights. His offer seemed genuine and completely innocent. And Alyssa figured she could use the company of someone else.

            "Come on..." He continued to whine. "I don't bite."

            "You do too, liar," she argued, with just the slightest hint of a grin.

            "Okay. You got me. But to be fair you do too sometimes. But I promise, no biting tonight."

            "Fine," Alyssa reluctantly agreed. "You can come over and keep me company, but bring Chinese food. I want chicken chow mien."

            "As you wish," he told her. "I'll be by in like another hour or so, okay?"

            "Sure." She just hoped that she was doing the right thing and not causing herself any more problems. She couldn't deal with anymore emotional turmoil right now on her plate.

            As promised, Nick showed up at her door a little more than an hour later with a plastic bag full of white square Chinese food cartons and a few movies. Alyssa had decided not to do anything extremely special to make herself look nice, since she really was definitely not looking to impress him. She had kept her sweats on from before and only added just enough makeup to hide the fact that she looked as if she hadn't really been sleeping lately. She'd already set up some plastic utensils and paper plates in the living room and as soon as he arrived and they exchanged hellos, they began digging into the food.

            "So what movies did you bring?" Alyssa asked as she scooped a large spoonful of rice onto her plate.

            "Snakes on a Plane and The Matrix," he replied, already beginning to eat.

            Alyssa rolled her eyes and groaned. "I thought you were going to bring funny movies. Like as in comedies. Not action movies."

            "Snakes on a Plane is a funny movie! Come on, what could be more ridiculous then Samuel L. Jackson saving a plane full of people from highly poisonous snakes while flying across the country? That's pure genius there! And The Matrix is just fucking awesome."

            "Yea... So fucking awesome that I always wind up falling asleep about halfway through it. So, typical of you! Only thinking about yourself," she teased in an overdramatic voice.

            Even though she was just kidding with him, Nick's reaction was quite serious. "I only think for myself? That's not the same way you seemed to feel the last time we were together."

            Alyssa was silent for a few seconds as her mind scrambled in disbelief. She couldn't believe that he'd actually brought up their hooking up so casually like that. It completely threw her off the way he'd mentioned it. She'd walked right into that one. Now if she could just think of something to say!

            Luckily Nick noticed her stunned silence and continued for her. "We can't just pretend like it never happened and not talk about it. It's going to be on the back of our minds until we do, and I don't know about you, but I find it really awkward walking on eggshells around each other."

            "You mean more awkward then the fact that we not only made out with each other in your basement, but we slept together not once, but twice at the condo that I was supposed to move into three years ago? Not to mention the fact that oh yea, we're married to different people?" Alyssa finally managed to blurt out once she found her voice.

            "I guess not," he admitted. "But we wouldn't have to do one if the other hadn't happened." He paused for a moment before asking the one question that had bothered him ever since he woke up that morning. "Why did you sneak out on me like that? What was that all about?"

            Alyssa let out a long sigh. "I don't know... I just woke up and saw what had happened and I guess the enormity of what I'd really done hit me. I was so mixed up and confused and guilty that I just couldn't face you just then. I needed time to process what had really happened. God, it was hard enough facing Sean afterwards. I really needed some time to do some heavy thinking."

            "Okay... but then how come you just continued to ignore me?" he pressed. "I tried giving you space and it was like you'd forgotten that I existed. No offense, but that's not really typical of you."

            "I didn't mean to pretend that you weren't something I had to deal with," she confessed. "The past few weeks have been emotional hell for me. First I wind up hooking up with you, which caused all kind of complications and forced me to reconsider my feelings for Sean. Then just when I'm the most confused, Sean gets deployed to Iraq making me feel even guiltier. Now all of a sudden I'm trying to adjust to a life without him for the time being and it's a really rough transition for me. I guess I just wasn't quite ready to face you on top of everything else."

            Nick placed his hand on her arm and looked her in the eye. "You can't just run away from your problems Alyssa. I know it's really crappy timing, but it happened and we need to deal with it. The way I see it, the ball is in your court here. You're the one who has the most to lose. So, what do you want to do?"

            Alyssa just looked away helplessly. She didn't like being put into this position because she honestly wasn't sure what she wanted. Plus, she wasn't sure how serious Nick was. Did he mean that if she said that she wanted to divorce Sean and be with him, that he'd be open to a relationship with her? Somehow she doubted it. Nick was more of the "let's see where this leads to" type guy. Besides, in all honesty she didn't feel like she could abandon Sean now in good faith. She'd have to wait until he returned and then see where their relationship stood. "I don't know Nick...  I know you're not a big fan of Sean's, but him being deployed really put a lot into perspective for me. He's definitely been neglecting me lately, but I don't think it's necessarily his fault. We've a lot of crap going on with the whole trying to get pregnant thing by a certain deadline thing. I kind of have a feeling that maybe when he comes back from Iraq and there's not as much pressure on us, things will get better."

            Was it her imagination or did Nick actually look a little disappointed? "So, you're saying that you want to give him a second chance?"

            She nodded. "Yea... I think I owe it to him. I mean I'll admit you and I were just incredible, but how many times can we go down the same path? I really want to keep you in m life as a friend, but I'm not sure if that's the wisest decision. Sean is my husband and I can't just walk away from him the very first time I don't feel completely satisfied. I think our best bet would be to just keep this between us and go on like it never happened."

            "If that's what you want... But it seems that no matter how many times we keep saying that we're not going to let it happen again, it does," he pointed out.

            "We're just going to have to be really cautious around each other from here on out. Like I said I don't want to lose you as a friend, so we don't have to completely stop talking, but I think it's probably best if we stay away from any kind of situation that forces us to be completely alone with each other. We should probably only hang out if there's at least one other person there, so the temptation isn't there at all."

            Nick shrugged. "We're alone now."

            "And it's my anniversary and you swore to me that you'd behave yourself," she finished for him. "If that's a problem you could always leave."

            He shook his head vigorously. "Nope. No problem whatsoever. Nothing happened between us and no more alone time. I got it."

            A hint of a smile formed on Alyssa's face. "Good. Now that we've got that over with, how about those movies? I'd like to consider this subject closed."

            "I agree." Nick got up from his seat on the couch and set up Snakes on a Plane first, since Alyssa did have a habit of falling asleep during The Matrix. As the movie progressed, Alyssa found that she was surprisingly enjoying the movie. Just as Nick promised, the plot was so ridiculously farfetched that it came off as more of a spoof of an action movie than an actual action movie. She wasn't a big fan of snakes, but the digitally enhanced creatures looked too fake to really be believable. Of course she found it too ironic not to crack up laughing when the snakes claimed their first victims, a couple who had snuck off for a quick rendezvous in the plane's bathroom.

            "Oh my God! That's too funny! Can you imagine? One minute you'll all like into the moment and then out of nowhere these killer snakes start attacking you? That was genius!" she commented as she tried to control her laughter. "How can you not find that hilarious?'

            She glanced over to Nick who was laughing just as hard as she was. "I don't know, but it's refreshing that someone shares the same sick, twisted, sense of humor that I have. I guess that's why they say not to have sex in horror movies, right?"

            Alyssa nodded her head as she tried to calm down. "You have sex in horror movies, you die. At least that's what they said in Scream but Sydney got off."

            "Oh, she got off all right," Nick snickered.

            "Nickolas! Not like that! Eww you perv..." she giggled. "I meant she got off like as in off the hook. Like she got luc- Never mind. That was another bad example. You know what I meant though."

            He smirked. "Oh, I knew what you meant, but it was too tempting to pass up."

            "Dork." She rolled her eyes at him and continued to watch the movie.

They both continued to crack up at the absurdity of it and when Samuel L. Jackson delivered his famous line. "I'm so tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" Alyssa again burst into hysterics. It made Nick realize that this was an excellent movie choice because for the first time in a long time it seemed to him as if she was genuinely smiling and laughing, which made him happy, even if it was only because of a really lame movie.

            "How much you want to bet the writers just based this whole storyline around Samuel L. Jackson saying that line?" she asked.

            "It wouldn't surprise me one bit," Nick agreed. "But it was a pretty brilliant idea."

            "Yea really..."

            Finally the movie ended and Alyssa had to admit that she'd actually enjoyed it and found it pretty damn funny. Her good mood was interrupted by Nick springing off the couch and heading towards the DVD player to switch movies. "Okay, Matrix time!"

            Alyssa groaned. "Ugh! Do we have to?"

            "Yes,' he told her. "And I'm going to make you stay awake even if I have to keep pinching you the whole way through the movie. Seriously, how do you fall asleep during this movie?"

            "I think its Keanu Reeves. He's a god awful actor and just something about him just makes me want to conk out. Like I think I have Keanu Reeves narcolepsy."

            Nick just laughed. "Wonder what it says about that one in a medical journal."

            "Seriously have you ever seen him try to do a romance movie? It's like torture. He has no personality," she argued.

            "Oh, shush you. The movie's starting." Nick focused his attention on the screen in front of him as he quickly became absorbed in the movie. Every now and then he gave Alyssa's back a little nudge to make sure she was still awake, but otherwise she was very quiet. About halfway through the movie, he tore his eyes away from the screen only to find Alyssa's head slumped against the arm of the couch and her eyes closed. It looked like she was officially down for the count.

            Nick raised his arm all ready to pinch her as he promised, but he stopped himself when he noticed her slow, shallow, peaceful, breathing. For the first time Nick noticed that she looked tired and it appeared that she was already pretty deep into sleep. Deciding not to bother her, he got up from the couch and turned off the movie. He cleaned up the remains of their Chinese food feast and gathered up all of his belongings. Right before he was about to leave, he noticed an afghan draped over the recliner across the room. Bringing it over the loveseat he gently tucked it over her sleeping body and lingered over her for a moment or two. "Night Lyss," he told her, tucking her hair behind her ear.

            Then before she could wake her up he turned around and headed out the door into the night air. Alone.

Chapter 21- The Greatest Gift of All

         Alyssa began the morning of her twenty- ninth birthday by sprinting towards the bathroom door and arriving just in time to fall to her knees in front of the toilet, before violently emptying the contents of her stomach. Ugh, she thought as she continued to heave. Usually I end the night of my birthday doing this. She absolutely detested throwing up and usually did everything she could to avoid it. Even when she had the stomach flu, which she suspected what this was, or had drank more alcohol than she could handle, she'd try to hold back. In fact, she very seldom actually got sick from drinking.

Finally feeling as if she was done, she backed away from the toilet feeling shaky and disgusting. She wasn't sure what had happened. She was downstairs, scrambling an egg for breakfast when all of a sudden she was overcome with the violent urge to vomit. It had crept up on her so sneakily that she hadn't been able to fight it and was thankful enough just to make it to the bathroom in time. Damn stomach bugs, she cursed as she slowly stood up and flushed the toilet. Not being able to withstand her yucky puke breath, she grabbed her toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste and began scrubbing away at her teeth.

            Once her mouth had been rinsed clean, she stared at her pale reflection in the mirror and realized that it probably wasn't the best idea for Kim to bring Gavin by today. If this was a stomach bug it was probably highly contagious and she'd hate to pass it on to a poor infant. Besides, she couldn't really take care of a baby if she was running to the bathroom every hour. With that decided she headed downstairs and dialed Kim's number hoping that there was still time for her to make other arrangements for Gavin before she had to be at work.

            "Hey Alyssa," Kim answered. "What's going on? I'm surprised to hear from you so early."

            "I'm really sorry, but I'm not going to be able to watch Gavin today. I think I have the stomach flu or something. I'm sorry to back out on you last minute like this, but it's just hit me now and I don't want to pass it on to him," she hurriedly explained.

            "It's okay," the younger woman assured her. "If you don't feel up to it, don't force yourself. I'll have to see if maybe Callie can take him just for today or something. I hope you feel better soon. Such a shame you're sick on your birthday too."

            "Thanks. Yea, it really sucks! I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm like falling apart. Ever since Sean's left I've been feeling really blah and tired and depressed and stuff and now I have the stomach flu..."

            Kim seemed surprised. "You've been feeling tired you said?"

            "Yea... Really tired. Like the littlest task takes so much out of me. I'm constantly taking naps. Maybe I'm like anemic or something."

            "Could be, but..." she stopped and giggled.

            "But what?" Alyssa asked raising her eyebrows.

            "Well, not to get your hopes up or anything," Kim slowly began. "But the whole being tired thing sounds exactly how I felt before I found out I was pregnant with Gavin. And there's the fact that you got sick this morning. Do you think that maybe it wasn't a stomach flu at all, but morning sickness?"

            Alyssa was stunned for a moment or two at just the possibility. "I don't know Kim...  I mean feeling tired doesn't necessarily equal pregnancy. Besides, Sean and I have had so much trouble conceiving that I seriously doubt that something magical happened right before he left, although I guess the timing seems plausible."

            "Is your period late?"

            She thought for a moment and realized that she hadn't had it since after her last pregnancy scare a few weeks ago. "Yea," she admitted. "I've just been under so much stress lately that I wasn't overly concerned. I think I would've been more worried if everything was all regular and normal."

            "Well, I think you should see a doctor or something. Even if it turns out to be something else, you shouldn't be this rundown and tired all the time. It would be best if you got it checked out now, so that you could set your mind at ease," Kim advised.

            "Yea... Maybe you're right," Alyssa agreed, her mind already reeling a million miles a minute. Could she really be pregnant? Or was she just getting her hopes up again only to have them smashed down in the end? She honestly did not know what to believe.

******

            Alyssa stood in the bathroom later that day staring warily at the pink box in front of her. After Kim had put the idea of her possibly being pregnant in her head that morning, she hadn't been able to concentrate much on anything else. She hadn't been sick again since this morning, further confirming that Kim's suspicion could be right. There was only one way to know for sure, so finally out of sheer impatience she'd run out to buy a home pregnancy test.

            Now that it was staring her in the face she was almost afraid to take it. It wasn't as if this was the first time she'd had to take one. In fact, it had only been maybe six or seven weeks ago that she'd taken the last one. Honestly she was afraid of the results. She didn't want to be left disappointed again like the last time, especially on her birthday. How amazing would it be to find out on today of all days that she was actually pregnant? It would be the most awesome birthday gift ever.

            It's now or never, she realized as she tore open the kit taking a deep breath. After a few minutes she was done with the actual test part and was just nervously waiting her results. She paced around the tiny room, trying her best to avoid glancing at the stick that was lying on the bathroom counter to see what it was doing. Finally after what felt like an excruciatingly long amount of minutes passed by, it was time to check the results. Alyssa crossed her fingers as she picked up the stick very carefully and read the results on the front.

            She gasped once she saw the tiny plus sign on the front and her eyes immediately filled up with happy tears. Somehow despite everything she was indeed pregnant according to this test. Her hands instinctively flew up to her stomach as it fully hit her that there was a human life growing inside of her. In a couple of months she'd be a mother... She'd always dreamed about this day since she was a little girl and now that it was here she almost found it hard to believe. And to receive the news on her birthday made the experience that much sweeter. Who could ask for a better birthday present?

            Her mind immediately began shooting off in a dozen different directions. I can't wait to tell Sean. He's going to be ecstatic, she realized. Her expression sank though when she realized that she might have to wind up telling him through only an e-mail since she never knew when he'd be available to talk to her personally. The thought did put a little bit of a damper on her good mood. A part of her couldn't wait to call up everyone she knew to share her exciting news, but she also felt that it was unfair to let anyone else know before she got a chance to tell Sean first. She just hoped that she wouldn't have to wait long. She wasn't sure if she could keep something like this a secret for very long without blurting it out to someone.

*******

            Luckily for her, Alyssa didn't have to wait as long as she'd originally expected to share her news with Sean. Late that evening she'd signed on to her computer to check her e-mail. It sucked sometimes finding time to talk to Sean because of the time difference. Take now for instance it was fairly early in the morning over in Iraq, Alyssa seriously doubted that Sean would be able to sneak onto his computer for a chat. The best he could do was send her a birthday e-mail which Alyssa quickly read with a smile on her face and just clicked on the button to reply back to him when an instant message popped up in front of her.

USMarineSR4Life: Hey baby! Happy Birthday!

Alyssa's face broke into a huge grin. It made no sense why he'd be on his computer right then, but she was sure glad that she was. She eagerly clicked into the text box and began typing a response.

MissLyssa1980: Hey! Thanks! What are you doing on so early?

USMarineSR4Life: Shh... I snuck on for a few minutes so I could wish you a Happy Birthday properly.

MissLyssa1980: That's really sweet of you. I don't want to get you in trouble or anything though.

USMarineSR4Life: Don't worry. I have to do something to make up for the fact that I really couldn't get you anything.

MissLyssa1980: It's okay. It wound up being a pretty good birthday anyway. And I wouldn't worry so much about not getting me anything...

USMarineSR4Life: ??? What's that supposed to mean?

            Alyssa held back a smirk at her husband's confusion. He really had no clue that she was about to tell him, which made her surprise even more exciting to share. She was already bubbling over with the anticipation of blurting it out just to see his priceless reaction. She bit her lip as her fingers flew over the keyboard.

MissLyssa1980: Can you get onto your webcam?

USMarineSR4Life: Yea... Sure. But I don't get it. Why?

MissLyssa1980: Just do it.

            She gave him a few moments while she adjusted her webcam and then clicked on the box to send him an invitation to a live chat. A few seconds later his face appeared on the screen in front of her, and she found herself amazed for a moment that she was actually seeing him again even though he was halfway around the world. She found herself speechless for a moment or two, almost forgetting her original purpose until Sean broke the silence.

            "So, what's this all about?" he asked curiously, a sly grin on his face. "You seemed pretty adamant about being able to speak with me face to face."

            Alyssa smiled brightly. "I just have to tell you something really important and I felt that it's something that I should tell you face to face because I want to be able to see your reaction."

            "Ok, now you got me curious here. What's going on? It has to be something good because you're practically glowing," he observed.

            "It is," she assured him as she tried to decide exactly how she wanted to go about telling him the news. Already the intensity of the moment was beginning to get her flustered and she already felt tears stinging her eyelids. Now I guess I finally know why I've been crying so much lately, she thought to herself as she fanned her eyes with her fingers. "Sorry... It's just so amazing being able to see you right now and this is just a really huge moment..."

            Sean's brow furrowed in concern. "You're scaring me a little Alyssa. Just tell me what it is."

            Alyssa swallowed hard. Outside of her wedding day this was probably about to be one of the most joyous moments in her life and she wanted to choose her words carefully. "Well, I haven't been feeling so great lately," she started off. "I've been really tired and emotional and just not myself. I even got sick this morning and at first I thought it was just a stomach flu, but Kim convinced me that maybe I was wrong. I took another pregnancy test and... we're going to be parents!"

            She couldn't help but to beam as she watched Sean's expression as his mind processed the news. At first, his mouth gaped in shock, but as soon as the news really sunk in his lips rose into an excited grin. "That's amazing news Alyssa! I'm going to be a father!" he whooped to anyone who would listen to him. "When did you find out?"

            "Only today. It was the best birthday present I could ever ask for."

            "So, you haven't seen a doctor or anything yet, huh?"

            Alyssa shook her head. "Nope. Not yet. I'm going to have to see about making an appointment sometime in the next few days."

            She watched as Sean still seemed stunned by the news. "Wow... I wonder when it happened? Isn't it so weird that it worked out like this? I bet it was that night before I left, right? I just had a really good feeling about that night for some odd reason."

            Alyssa laughed at her husband's excitement. "I don't know yet, but that could very well be. I'm not sure how far along I am yet. I guess we'll find out when I finally see a doctor."

            "Have you told anyone else yet?"

            She shook her head. "Nope. Not a soul. I wanted you to be the first person I shared this with. I guess tomorrow I'll start calling everyone."

            Sean nodded in agreement. "Sounds like a plan. Definitely call my folks for me because I can't guarantee when I'll be able to get around to doing it myself."

            "Of course," she told him. "I'm glad that I could at least give you some good news."

            "It's awesome news! Seriously I'm really excited about it. I just wish that I could be closer to you. I'm sorry that I won't be around to be by your side during your pregnancy."

            "Don't apologize," she warned him. "It's not like you don't want to be here. We can't help timing, can we? I have plenty of people back here, who would be willing to help me out, so don't worry about me."

            "I'll try not to, but it's hard." He sighed for a moment as he realized what time it was. "I'm so happy that God finally seemed to have answered our prayers. I wish I could talk longer, but I have to get going now. I just want to thank you."

            "Thank me?" Alyssa squeaked. "Why?"

            "You just gave me another reason to look forward to each day," he simply stated. "No matter how bad it gets here, I know that eventually I'll be back home again and when I do I'll have a family waiting for me."

            As corny as that may have sounded, it was enough to send the waterworks flowing down Alyssa's face once more. She just hoped he was right and he really did make it back home in one piece. All she could do for the time being was to look forward to the day that their little family would finally be reunited again. She didn't want to consider the alternative of having her baby grow up without ever setting eyes on its father.

************

            Not much had changed for Nick since the night of Alyssa's anniversary when he'd spent the evening camped out on her couch with movies to distract her from Sean's obvious absence. Since he'd left her on the couch, Alyssa had made good on her decision not to go out of her way to contact him. It definitely sucked big time that this had been the consequence of their little tryst a little over a month ago and although Nick seldom did have very many regrets in his life, he was beginning to wonder if it had been worth it in the long run. Yes, the physical connection between the two of them had been overwhelmingly powerful, but if he had known then that it would possibly tear their friendship apart, he'd probably have never gone through with it.

            Now he was holed up in the condo without Alyssa or Shayla. He had to admit that he was getting pretty lonely. He'd distanced himself from most of his other friends in the last few weeks because he didn't want Shayla to get wind of where he was staying. In doing that though, he'd almost cut himself off from most of society. He knew that there was no way he could keep this up permanently, but he just wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. He knew that he owed it to Shayla to come up with some sort of decision about the status of their relationship. After his meeting with Diane, he was having second thoughts about something as rash as divorce just yet, but he definitely thought that some sort of long term separation would probably be the best alternative for them under the circumstances.

            He'd also come across another revelation in thinking over his behavior in the last few weeks. He'd been taking the cowardly way out when it came to his decision to avoid Shayla. He could hide out from her as long as he wanted, but he'd have to face her eventually. Right now he was only delaying the inevitable, which seemed like a pretty childish thing to do. He was supposed to be a mature adult and the responsible thing would be to at least give Shayla a call and let her know that he was at least alive and well. Then maybe he could explain to her more calmly that it might be best if he went back home to get the rest of his things, so that they could spend some much needed time apart while they figured things out.

            As much as Nick realized that speaking to Shayla again was the right thing to do, he procrastinated in picking up the phone to call her for a few days. Finally he literally had to force himself just to go ahead and do it. His hands shook as he dialed her familiar number and his palms grew sweaty against the back of the phone. He wasn't even sure exactly what he was going to say to her and before he could formulate any kind of speech in his head, her relieved voice broke through his thoughts.

            "Nick? Where have you been? I've been so worried about you! I've been looking everywhere for you, but no one seems to have seen you," Shayla blurted out all at once. "I'm so sorry about the pregnancy thing. You're right it was a really fucked up thing to do and I don't know why I even thought it would be a good idea... Just please come home! I promise if you do I won't even mention the baby thing again. I swear!"

            Finally finding an opportunity to break through her rambling, Nick cleared his throat. "I don't know if that's the best idea just yet Shayla. I mean what you did isn't just something I can forget just like that. You lied about something pretty major. If you're willing to lie about being pregnant, what else is there that you could be lying about?"

            "I swear I've never lied to you about anything else!" she frantically promised. "Lying about being pregnant was the stupidest mistake I ever made and living without you these last few weeks has definitely taught me a lesson. I promise if you come back there will be no games or no more schemes. I miss you!"

            Nick just shook his head. A part of him really wanted to believe that Shayla was being sincere with him, but then another part of him was doubtful. He'd been burnt too many times by women in his past to just let this go after only a few weeks. "I just wanted to call you to let you know that I'm going to stop by this week and pick up the rest of my things."

            "What? You're moving out? No...You can't!" her voice cried. "Where have you even been staying?"

            "I'm renting out a hotel suite for the time being," he lied, still not wanting her to know about the condo's existence. "I just think that it's probably for the best if we just separate for a little bit to get our heads on straight."

            "My head is on straight! My mind has never been clearer! I love you Nick and I don't want to lose you!"

            He sighed as he rubbed the bridge of his nose, wishing that she wouldn't make this so difficult for him. "I need some more time," he calmly told her. "So, I just want to get my shit and get settled on my own for a while. Then maybe in another few weeks we can meet again and try to talk things out."

            "You mean you may be willing to give us a second chance?" Her voice soared with hopefulness.

            I didn't say that! He wanted to scream with frustration, but sometimes in situations like this it was better to fill Shayla with false hope. It usually at least shut her up for a bit. "We'll have to see what happens. Right now I just think we need some time away from each other."

            "So, does that mean that you're not thinking about a divorce anymore?"

            Again he sighed. He really wasn't sure. At the time, his first instinct was to head right to his lawyer, but now he was beginning to have his doubts. He really didn't want to go through all the messy legalities and media backlash of a divorce right now. Maybe it would've been different if there had been someone else waiting in the wings for him. A few weeks ago he thought that maybe that could've been Alyssa, but now he realized how foolish he had been. There was no way that Alyssa was going to leave Sean at the moment. For once he was the one who had gotten screwed over and he had to admit that it definitely wasn't a very good feeling. "I don't know," he answered noncommittally. "Right now I just think its better if we separate first before we go making any really rash decisions just yet."

            As if she were reading his mind, Shayla asked the question that he himself had been wondering about ever since he had reached this decision. "Just one question, how are we supposed to explain our sudden separation to the media? I mean we've both been laying pretty low these last few weeks, but they're bound to figure it out sooner or later. Then what do we do? Divorce rumors are going to be just as hard to deal with."

            Nick shrugged. "I guess we just try to put on an act to the media. We're entertainers. Hopefully we can pull it off for at least a little while before anyone figures out that not everything is perfect between us."

            Shayla hesitated on her end of the line seeming doubtful. "I'm not sure if they'll buy it, but I don't see any other option." She stopped and sighed. "Do what you must. If it's going to help us out in the long run, then I guess I'll just have to deal. I hope you're right and it's just that we need some time apart. I really don't want to live without you."

            "We'll just have to play things by ear," he assured her. "So I'll stop over sometime in the next few days while you're at work and I'll give you a call or something in another few weeks."

            "Okay," she sniffled. "Don't be a stranger. Call me anytime."

            "I will." Of course he didn't really plan on it, but he didn't want to crush her feelings anymore than he already had.

            "There's just one more thing I need to know," Shayla's voice suddenly broke through the ending of their conversation as she swallowed hard. "Is there someone else?"

            Now it was Nick's turn to hesitate. "No... There's no one else," he finally managed to get out. It wasn't completely a lie. There might have been someone else, but he certainly didn't stand any kind of serious chance with her. She'd made it quite clear to him that history would no repeat itself again this time.        

Chapter 22 - A Sterile Revelation

        The next day, Alyssa wasted no time in calling up her friends and family members to share the exciting news about her pregnancy. Of course her parents had been overjoyed with the news that they would be becoming grandparents, as were Sean's parents. She couldn't get a hold of Meg just yet since she and Scott had already left for China, but she had left her an e-mail. As for letting Stephanie know that she was going to be an aunt, Alyssa left that up to her parents. It would be over her dead body before she let her younger sister be a part of her child's life.

            Her friends were more than supportive when they heard the news. Kim and Callie were especially happy for her, knowing firsthand how much of a struggle it had been for her to become pregnant in the first place. Already they were offering her everything from old hand me downs, to accompanying her to her doctor's appointments. She'd also called Izzy, who already vowed to be with her in the delivery room just as Alyssa had done for her when Grace was born, and Teri and Tricia who although weren't exactly the children type seemed genuinely happy for her.

            There was just one person that she hadn't called to share her news with and that was Nick. She still wasn't quite sure if she should call him to tell him or just let Izzy or someone else tell him for her. Based on how weird things had been between them lately, she found herself a little uncomfortable with the idea of telling him that she was pregnant. She knew that he'd be happy for her, but it was also had to be a bit of a sore subject for him after Shayla's pregnancy stunt. He had pretty clearly stated that he didn't want kids, but she also could tell that he'd actually began to maybe look forward to a child with Shayla under the circumstances.

            She stared down at the phone in her hands, trying to will her fingers to dial his number when the phone unexpectedly began to ring, causing her to jump back from the shrill vibration. Looking down at the caller id on the front, she realized that she didn't recognize the number. That would have been really freaky if that had just been Nick, she thought to herself with an amused smirk as she answered the call. "Hello?"

            "Hello. May I speak to Alyssa or Sean Robinson, please?" a pleasant sounding voice on the other end of the phone asked.

            "This is Alyssa Robinson," she answered.

            "Hello Mrs. Robinson. This is Paula from the Lakewood Fertility Center. I'm just calling to reschedule an appointment for you and your husband to come down and discuss your test results. I noticed you were supposed to come in a few weeks ago and had to cancel, but you never made a follow up appointment."

            "I'm really sorry about that," Alyssa apologized. "It's been a very crazy last couple of weeks. My husband was just deployed to Iraq, so obviously that came first before setting up another appointment."

            "Well, would you like to care of that now? I don't mean to rush you, but we really can't hold on to your test results for too much longer. Otherwise you'd have to start the whole process all over again," she explained.

            "Actually I'm no longer needing your services. I just found out yesterday that I'm actually pregnant after all, so I guess that the tests really couldn't have been very conclusive anyway."

            The receptionist sounded a little surprised, but still kept her composure. "Oh, congratulations! That doesn't happen very much I suppose, but the world works in mysterious ways, sometimes."

            "Definitely," Alyssa agreed. "But thank you so much for everything. I'm glad that we at least went for the tests. If we didn't, knowing how twisted fate is we probably would still be struggling to conceive."

            The other woman just laughed. "Better be safe than sorry, huh? Well, good luck with everything and I'm glad that we could've been of assistance to you."

            Alyssa thanked the woman again before saying goodbye and ending the call. While she had the phone out, she called up her OB/GYN to make an appointment for her first check up, for the following week. Putting the phone down, she couldn't help but to let out a little bit of an excited squeal as she wrote the appointment down in her date book. The whole pregnancy thing still felt almost a little too good to be true to her, but maybe God had decided to grant her a miracle after all.

            Little did she know that in a few short hours, her optimistic look at her pregnancy would totally be shattered with just four little words.

            It was a little after five that evening, and Alyssa was actually cooking herself dinner, something that she'd neglected to really do since Sean had left for Iraq. Now that she was pregnant she'd made a vow to begin eating better again since she was after all now eating for two. She had decided to make a chicken stir fry and was just cutting up some vegetables for it when the phone rang loudly.

            "Hello?" she answered it brightly, figuring that it maybe was one of her friends or relatives that she hadn't gotten a chance to reach just yet who heard about her pregnancy from someone else.

            Instead of hearing a familiar voice though, she was met with a gruff sounding male voice. "Is this Alyssa Robinson?"

            "Yes, this is she," she answered, frowning uncertainly.

            "This is Dr. Beard calling from the fertility clinic," the voice continued.

            Alyssa's frown grew as she wondered why exactly the doctor had called her up personally. Hadn't she just explained to the receptionist earlier that afternoon that they wouldn't be needing another appointment with them? She'd thought she came across pretty clear, especially in actually telling her that she was now pregnant. Maybe the message had gotten lost somewhere along the way? Whatever the case, Alyssa did her best to hide her confusion. "Oh, yes! Hello, Dr. Beard. What can I do for you?"

            "Paula's told me that she called you today about rescheduling your appointment to discuss you and your husband's test results, but you told her that it wasn't necessary because you're already pregnant?"

            "That's correct." Alyssa felt her eyebrows knit tighter together in confusion. "I just found out yesterday. I guess that Sean and I really were stressing over nothing after all."

            The doctor hesitated for a moment, making her stomach flip flop, and not in the pregnancy sickness type of way. "Have you seen a doctor yet to confirm this pregnancy?"

            "No... Not yet," she slowly answered. "I just made an appointment to see my doctor next week. Why? Is there a problem?"

            Dr. Beard sighed. "Technically I'm not supposed to discuss any test results over the phone with a patient, but when Paula told me that you were pregnant I was a little concerned. I looked over your test results again and it appears to me that there's some discrepancy. See, if you are indeed pregnant there's no way that Sean could be the father." He took a deep breath and then said the four words that changed her life. "Your husband is sterile."

            Alyssa froze, so stunned that she nearly dropped the phone. Her mind raced in a million different directions all at once. It couldn't, she argued with herself. Those tests have to be wrong. I mean what are the chances? I only slept with Nick twice and... Fuck. How could she have been so stupid? The thought of using a condom hadn't even crossed her mind. Quickly she worked out the calculations in her head and she cursed herself for not considering this possibility sooner. It made perfect sense. All those months that she and Sean had been trying to get pregnant with no avail and then of course she slept with Nick and bam! There obviously had to have been something wrong with Sean, but she'd just been in too much denial to really consider it. Her mind drifted back to Meg's suggestion during their phone conversation a month or two beforehand. Yea, but maybe he's shooting blanks? Her older sister had called it right then and there, but still Alyssa had refused to believe it, choosing to pin the blame on herself instead. How could I have been this blind? she wondered.

            Finally finding her voice she managed to sputter out, "What?" Her mind still refused to fully accept the prognosis.

            "His test results show that he is completely sterile," the doctor explained. "The cause is unknown and although it is uncommon in men his age it's not altogether strange. Most likely it could be a result of some kind of illness he had in his past or some kind of environmental effect, but we can't really say exactly. All we do know is that he is unable to bear children naturally. So, it is completely impossible that he could've impregnated you. I'm sorry. Maybe you took a defective pregnancy test or something?"

            She could tell just from the doctor's tone of voice that he was only trying to placate her. Deep down underneath the words he knew how Alyssa had wound up pregnant and it filled her with shame. Not being able to stand another minute of the conversation she hurriedly tried to end the call. "I... I have to go." Without waiting for a response she hung up the phone and let it slip out of her hands onto the floor.

            What the fuck am I going to do? she wondered. The moment she had been looking forward to most in her entire life was now all but ruined for her and now more than ever she was full of regret.

Chapter 23 - Denial Is Not Just a River

Alyssa nervously sat in the waiting area of her doctor's office, jiggling her knee as she surveyed her surroundings. Most of the other women in the waiting area were at various stages of pregnancy, some already even with other young children waiting with them. Her eyes sympathetically glanced at a very pregnant looking woman across the room who was struggling to quiet a pair of crying twins who couldn't have been more than about a year old themselves. I guess things could be worse, she thought wistfully, wondering exactly how the woman could handle soon to be three kids under the age of two.

       It was the date of her first doctor's appointment. The one most women looked forward to in anticipation. She'd have her pregnancy confirmed... Find out how far along she was so far and most likely when the baby was conceived (although she now had no doubts about that one)... Maybe even get to hear the baby's heartbeat for the very first time. Yet Alyssa had to admit that she was anything but excited right now. All the joy and anticipation that she had initially built up had pretty much crumbled since her conversation with Dr. Beard. Instead of looking forward to this pregnancy, Alyssa actually felt a strange sense of dread instead.

       Alyssa's life seemed to dramatically change from the moment that Dr. Beard dropped the shocking bombshell that Sean was unable to have children, confirming the fact that the baby that she was carrying had to belong to Nick. Ever since that fateful phone conversation, Alyssa appeared to move in a stunned haze, too wrapped up in her sticky predicament to really pay much attention to anything around her. She hadn't been able to sleep comfortably in the last couple of nights. Instead she spent most of the time tossing and turning and worrying about what she should do. Callie and Kim had immediately picked up on her change in attitude and had shown some concern. Alyssa had tried to evade their questions by convincing them she was fine, just a little depressed that Sean was so far away and not by her side to experience her pregnancy alongside her. That had seemed to satisfy the two women who had also chalked up her sudden change in moods to a shift in hormones, which they'd already warned her would get much worse as her pregnancy progressed. Just what I need, she'd scoffed. As if I'm not already emotional enough without my hormones going bonkers.

       Both Callie and Kim had offered to go with her today for her first appointment, but she'd politely turned both of them down. She didn't want to have to fake excitement and happiness for them when she really felt nothing of the sort. Just kind of an empty hollowness inside herself. She wanted to do this alone.

       Her thoughts were interrupted as the door to the examining rooms opened and a young nurse stuck her head out. "Alyssa Robinson?" she called.

       Alyssa gathered up her things and got up from her chair. She followed the nurse behind the doorway into one of the examining rooms on her left. As she made herself comfortable on the examining table the nurse flipped open her chart. "So, I hear that you just found out you're pregnant?"

       Alyssa nodded and tried to fake an enthusiastic grin. "Yea... Just last week."

       "Congratulations," she told her as she reached over to begin taking her blood pressure. "How have you been feeling? Any fatigue? Soreness? Morning sickness? Moodiness?"

       "Oh yeah..." she laughed. "All of the above. I get so winded from the simplest things. I'm a little worried how I'm going to feel once I actually start getting bigger."

       The nurse just smiled. "Well, Dr. Spencer will be giving you a prescription for prenatal vitamins today and that should help control a little bit of that fatigue. This is your first pregnancy, correct?"

       Again Alyssa nodded. "Uh huh, so I'm a bit nervous," she carefully admitted.

       "Most first time Mom's are. Don't worry though. You're in good hands." The nurse scrubbed her hands in the sink and pulled out a pair of latex gloves. "I'm just going to take a quick blood sample and when I'm done I'll let you change into a gown and Dr. Spencer will be in shortly to examine you. Sound good?"

       "I guess so," Alyssa answered, staring warily at the needle that was about to pierce her flesh. She wasn't a huge fan of giving blood, but she knew that she'd have to do a lot of this throughout her pregnancy. She held out her arm for the nurse and gritted her teeth as she felt the needle poke through her skin. She made a little hissing noise as the nurse drew her blood.

       "Almost done," she assured her as she withdrew the needle and bandaged up her arm. "Not so bad, huh?"

       You're not the one giving the blood here, Alyssa wanted to say, but bit her lip. The nurse handed her a white cotton gown to change into. "Make yourself comfortable and Dr. Spencer will be in to see you shortly."

       She left the room and before she knew it, Alyssa was alone again. She stripped off her clothing and put on the paper gown and lay back down on the examining table, staring up at the ceiling tiles. As the minutes ticked by she could feel her stomach tightening up more and more. She hated all this waiting. All it did was give herself more time to think and to worry about her current predicament.

       She'd obviously been doing a lot of thinking, weighing her options and such. She'd examined the whole messy situation from every possible angle and the only conclusion she'd been able to reach was that no matter what she chose to do, someone was bound to get hurt. It all basically boiled down to which man would be willing to sacrifice their rights as a father. The logical and probably most moral choice would be to confess everything to Sean about the night she'd shared with Nick and his sterility. The aftermath would be ugly though. She didn't even want to imagine how crushed he'd be to learn that he wasn't about to become a father after all along with the fact that he couldn't have kids period. Sean wasn't the type to take cheating lightly; especially cheating with her ex boyfriend who she had sworn to him several times that she no longer had any feelings for him. He'd probably divorce her. She really was no better than Shayla when it came to lies and betrayal.

       Then there was Nick. Alyssa had no idea how he'd react. It was really hard to say because Nick was hard to read at times. Sometimes just when you think you'd have him all figured out, he'd do something completely unexpected. He'd been pretty adamant about not wanting kids, but then he himself had admitted to being a little disappointed to learn that Shayla wasn't really pregnant. Could something have changed? Of course their relationship was complicated enough already. What would happen if she decided to tell him the truth? How would he react? Would he be ecstatic or terrified? Would he want to completely drop Shayla and be with her? There was too much uncertainty there. Yes, Nick had changed a lot in the last four years, but she wasn't sure he had changed that much. News like that would probably send the old Nick running for the hills.

       Really Alyssa could only see three options of how this could play out. Option A would be that she came clean with Sean. Sean probably would not be willing to raise the child on his own knowing that it was not only his, but Nick's and their marriage would end on the spot. Then there was still the question of whether or not Nick would even accept her and her child. That led to a whole other set of worries and concerns which led to Option B. Nick could divorce Shayla and her and Nick could live happily ever after, but Alyssa had her doubts. Although in TV shows and movies, babies seemed to be just the thing to bring two people together, back in the real world Alyssa knew that more than likely they caused the opposite effect. Nick obviously had his reasons for not wanting kids. Being forced into the situation like this definitely could take its toll and destroy the little bit of a friendship they shared. Then there was Option C. It was definitely a risky one, and although completely reprehensible, Alyssa was beginning to wonder if maybe it was the best option for everyone involved. It was a plan that only Shayla could probably appreciate and if it came out, it could hurt her relationships with both men. But it was such a tempting offer. What if she just simply kept her mouth closed? Let both men go on believing that she was pregnant with Sean's baby? Ignorance was bliss, right?  It could go smoothly and neither one would ever know. But, of course Alyssa did have a conscience. Was it really fair to hide a health problem such as Sean's sterility a secret from him? Would it be fair to deny Nick of knowing that he had a son or daughter? And of course would it be fair to the child not to know their real father? Situations like this happened a lot actually. She'd heard of many a person reacting this very same way in her situation. It was selfish and unfair and hurtful, but at the same time she'd only be doing it to protect those that she cared about.

It gave her some consolation that there was at least one other option out there that would be even more selfish and cowardly. Some women placed in her situation might actually go as far as to choose to have an abortion. That was one thing that Alyssa could never do. No matter how unplanned or unexpected and no matter how many problems this baby was causing, she knew that she could never in good conscious choose to end her baby's life before it even began.

The door creaked open interrupting Alyssa's thoughts and in walked Dr. Spencer, a petite blonde woman in her early thirties with a bright smile on her face. "Good afternoon, Alyssa! How are we feeling?"

"Pregnant, I guess," she responded, trying to make a joke.

Dr. Spencer laughed and looked down at her chart. "Well, I think that's a pretty accurate description. I just got done looking at your blood work and you are in fact pregnant. Congratulations! Didn't I tell you that you had nothing to worry about?"

"Yea... That you did," Alyssa answered, trying not to be appear uncomfortable. All along she really didn't have anything to worry about with her personally. It had been Sean who had the problem.

"So, first what I want to do is examine you to make sure that everything seems to be going along okay and also to give me an idea of how far along you are. Then maybe we can try to see if we can get a heartbeat for you."

Alyssa nodded and lay back as Dr. Spencer began her examination. While she was doing this, she asked Alyssa some general questions that she did the best to answer. She tried to pay attention whenever the doctor explained anything to her, but there were just so many things to remember that her brain felt like it was on complete overload. Finally after what felt like forever after lots of poking and prodding, Dr. Spencer pulled away with a grin on her face.

"Well, based on when you told me your last period was and from what I can tell, I'd say that you're about five to six weeks along. You'll be due most likely sometime in March."

Sounds about right, she figured in her head. It had been roughly six weeks since her encounter with Nick at the condo. The timing definitely worked out.

"Everything seems fine so far, but I want to see if I can get a heartbeat for you," the doctor explained as she got the proper equipment ready. "The heart muscles have just begun to develop, so it'll probably be a little hard to hear, but if you listen to it closely you can make it out."

            Alyssa nodded and took a deep breath as she felt the coolness of the stethoscope against her stomach. She glanced over at the fuzzy image on the screen next to her and she found it hard to believe that the little spot of white was her baby. "Ok listen carefully," Dr. Spencer instructed. "It's soft, but it's definitely there."

            Her ears perked up and she could very faintly make out a soft pounding sound. For the first time all week a genuine smile lit up her face and she realized that she was actually amazed. It had finally sunk in that she was really pregnant. In nine months she was going to be a mother. Okay, maybe she did have some major baby daddy drama to figure out, but hearing her unborn baby's heartbeat with her own two ears was almost like a reassurance to her that things were going to work themselves out. Everything was going to be okay.

*************

            When Alyssa left the doctor's office about half an hour later her hands were full of pregnancy pamphlets, a prescription for prenatal vitamins, and a list of foods that she should be eating. She got into her car and headed home, stopping only to drop off her prescription at the drug store. Just as she was stepping inside her door she heard her cell phone ring from inside her purse. She fumbled with the pamphlets in her hand, tossing them onto the nearest table as her hands dug into her purse to fish out her phone. "Hello?" she answered not even bothering to check who was calling.

            "When were you going to tell me that you were pregnant?" a familiar voice demanded on the other end of the line.

            Alyssa's face paled as she recognized Nick's voice. She was confused enough about him and now here he was calling her. She definitely didn't want to spill the beans and confess to him the entire truth about her pregnancy, but she was afraid that he'd see through her act. "Wow... Gossip really travels huh?" she finally managed to stutter out.

            "Izzy called and asked if I was going to send a congratulations gift to you or anything. Being completely clueless I asked why the hell we were congratulating you. Imagine my shock when Izzy explained to me it was because you were pregnant. Why didn't you tell me? You told everyone else apparently?" Nick appeared to sound hurt and a small flash of guilt hit Alyssa.

            "I'm really sorry," she rushed to apologize. "I was going to call you, but things got really crazy and I've been feeling really tired and a little sick and I just haven't been up to it. I figured someone would tell you sooner or later anyway."

            There was a pause and Alyssa was pretty sure that Nick didn't believe a word that she just said, but thankfully he didn't question her on it. "Well, congratulations. You and Sean must be thrilled."

            "Yea... We are," she half-lied. Sean was thrilled. She had been thrilled until she'd found out the results of her and Sean's tests and then all the excitement had been gone, just like that.

            The conversation hit an awkward patch in which neither one of them was quite sure what to say next. Not being able to stand another torturous moment Alyssa quickly scrambled for an excuse to get him off the line. "Thanks for calling me up to congratulate me, but I just got in from the doctor's and I think I'm going to lay down for a bit. I'm feeling a little nauseous."

            "Okay. I hope you feel better and good luck. Give me a call next week or something and maybe we can do something. Maybe I can help you start baby shopping or something."

            Help me baby shop? If Alyssa hadn't felt sick before this definitely did it. There was no way that he was helping her go baby shopping. That would just be weird and awkward on so many levels. But not wanting to hurt his feelings, she quickly brushed him off. "Sure. I'll talk to you soon," she lied, before hanging up the phone.

            She sighed loudly, sinking back onto the couch. Of course now of all times Nick was going to be all Mr. Supportive Best Friend and help her do all the things that Sean couldn't do being away. As if things weren't complicated enough. She wondered if Nick knew that this was actually his baby she was carrying, would he be this dedicated and helpful? Or would he be avoiding her like the plague? Alyssa wasn't sure she wanted to find out. The best thing for the both of them right now would be for her to play the avoiding game, a game that they'd been playing for the last six weeks, but only now had gotten a hell of a lot more interesting.

Chapter 24 - Just Hit Static

            Over the next month or so, Alyssa turned avoiding Nick into an art form. Instead of continually stressing over the predicament she was in, she threw herself into preparing for motherhood. By immersing herself in her pregnancy, she found little time to worry about the whole Nick and Sean situation. She'd decided to at least try to put it onto the backburner for a while. She did after all have until March to figure out what she was going to do. In the meantime she devoted herself one hundred percent to her child. Being a first time mother, there was so much to learn. With so many of her friends already being mothers, she had thought that she was pretty knowledgeable about pregnancy, but Alyssa was finding it to be a whole other ball game when she was the pregnant one. She was surprised to find it actually fairly easy to hide from her personal problems if she forced herself to focus on learning as much as possible about the changes going on in her body.

            Her coffee table was now littered with various baby books and magazines that she had picked up recently at Border's, and of course her new bible, What to Expect When You're Expecting, was tucked safely away on her bedroom nightstand. Her refrigerator was now fully stocked with only the kinds of foods that Dr. Spencer had recommended and she usually arranged to go walking with Callie or Kim every day as light exercise. Her spare time was spent posting on an online message board for expectant mothers. It filled her with a bit of a relief being able to talk to other pregnant women. Granted, most of their pregnancies were meticulously planned and there were no surprises when it came to the identity of their baby's fathers, but at least they seemed to be going through the same symptoms that she was and it was nice having someone to commiserate with.

            Besides battling morning sickness which Alyssa began to seriously wonder who coined the term because it seemed as if she was sick at all hours of the day, Alyssa also found herself running to the bathroom a lot more frequently than usual. She'd always thought that the excessive peeing didn't start until later on in her pregnancy, but she quickly learned that it started now and only would get worse in the coming months. Between all her trips to the bathroom and the throwing up, Alyssa wondered how she was going to make it when school started up again next month. Thankfully enough she was assured by many woman on the message board that by then the worst of her morning sickness should be over with. In addition to all of this, even though it was too early for her to really be showing yet, she did notice her pants fitting slightly tighter and a thickening in her middle that hadn't been there before. But the worst were her breasts. Already they were feeling swollen and tender and none of her bras seemed to fit quite right. Lately she'd been finding only sports bras to be comfortable and she figured that she'd probably have to break down sometime next week and go shopping for some more comfortable maternity bras. And to think they're only going to get bigger, she realized with a smirk. Who needs a boob job? By the time I give birth I'll definitely be at least a D cup.

            Everything seemed to be going as well as could be expected under the difficult circumstances. At least until that day in mid August when she received an unexpected package that just brought all the painful memories that she was trying to suppress right back up to the surface. She was babysitting Gavin again for Kim and had just put him down for a nap when a brown UPS truck pulled up in front of her house and she heard her front doorbell ring.

            She hurried to answer it finding a delivery man holding out a brown box. "I have a package for Alyssa Robinson?"

            "That's me," Alyssa answered as she reached out to accept the box and signed his clipboard. She wondered what it was and who it was from. She hadn't ordered anything online recently and there weren't any special occasions looming close by. Not being able to wait another moment after the delivery man disappeared back into his truck; Alyssa brought the package inside and tore open its contents. The first thing that lay on top was an envelope with her name on the front. She ripped it open and pulled out a simple white card with blue lettering across that read Congratulations! On the inside of the card she gasped when she recognized Nick's familiar scrawled handwriting.

Dear Alyssa,

            I wanted to send you a little something special to congratulate you on the baby. I know how much you've been hoping and praying for a child of your own, and I'm glad that your prayers have finally been answered. You're going to make an amazing mother and I can't wait to hopefully be a part of your child's life. In the mean time here's a little something to keep the little squirt snug and warm in.

                                                                                                                        Nick

            Alyssa felt a lump beginning to rise in her throat which she quickly swallowed back down. The tone of the card sent a little bit of a chill through her, particularly the line about not being able to wait to be a part of the baby's life. Oh, trust me... You're a WAY bigger part of this baby's life than you even realize, she thought to herself. She knew that he only meant it to be more like the role of an Uncle, but it was still a painful reminder of the mess that she was currently tangled up in.

            Trying to fight back her emotions, she dug deeper into the box and pulled out a soft yellow fleece baby blanket. She could tell just from the texture of it that it was of very good quality, almost too nice to use for a newborn baby. When did Nick become so thoughtful? she frustratingly thought. They'd dated on and off for almost ten years now and he never once had been so kind and considerate until now of course when it was too late. It figured. She stuffed the blanket back into the box as she blinked away tears. This whole hiding the truth from Nick thing would be SO much easier if he decided to be a selfish asshole. Why was it that now he chose to do the decent thing?

            All Alyssa knew was that she was now more confused than ever. And then she was hit with the chilling revelation that no matter how hard she tried to distract herself with baby books and online pregnancy forums, she couldn't completely hide from the truth. She was going to have to make a major decision and she was going to have to do it soon.

***********

            Later on that same night across LA, Nick was just settling into bed for the night at the condo. He'd been feeling absolutely perplexed and a little hurt at Alyssa's obvious avoidance of him. He wondered if he'd done something wrong that he was unaware of. She hadn't even bothered to tell him herself that she was pregnant and Nick had been pretty sure that he'd be one of the first people she'd call under the circumstances. He just didn't get it. Was she really that wrapped up into her pregnancy that she didn't even have time for their friendship anymore?

            "Women... I'll never understand them," he muttered as he crawled between the covers of the bed and punched his pillow a little to fluff it up. He made himself comfortable and closed his eyes. He was just one step away from a deep sleep when he heard his cell phone ringing far off in the distance of his self consciousness. Groaning a little he tried to ignore it, but the phone kept ringing. Acting on impulse his hand floated over to the nightstand and he picked it up without even bothering to see who was calling, which turned out to be a big mistake. "Hello?" he groggily answered.

            "Hey Nicky! Did I wake you?" Shayla's familiar perky voice invaded his ears.

            Ugh... Speaking of women I don't understand, he thought to himself. "Yea... I was just about to fall asleep," he admitted, ignoring the Nicky comment. Hopefully she'd get the hint.

            "Oops my bad!" she giggled.

Nick could hear a loud thud on the other end of the line that sounded like she had fallen or knocked something over. "Uhh, you ok?" he asked warily.

"Yea, sorry I just tripped going up the stairs. I just got in from this really awesome party at the Playboy Mansion. Too bad you missed it. It was wild! You'd have had a great time. So many really hot, gorgeous, half naked women walking around. I mean I'm completely straight and even I had to admit that I was turned on."

Just by the way her words were slurred and the way she was babbling on, Nick could tell almost immediately that she'd had more than her fair share of alcohol at this party. It all made sense now. She was drunk dialing him, purposely trying to say things to get a rise out of him, so that somehow in her twisted little mind he'd go crawling back to her. He should know better than anyone. How many times had he done the same thing to many a girl, Alyssa included? Drunk dialing was a nasty habit that he'd finally grown out of, but he supposed that this was his punishment for years of offense. Karma was a bitch like that sometimes.

Knowing from experience how to handle drunk dialers he tried to steer the conversation into convincing her to go to bed and sleep it off. He knew damn well that if he hung up she'd only just keep calling. "Sounds like you had a good time. Lot's of alcohol there I bet, huh?"

"Oh, yeah! I'm completely toasted, but I feel great!" He could hear another noise that sounded as if Shayla had flopped across a soft surface such as a couch or a bed. "It must've been those damn jello shots. I think I had about twenty of them, they were so fucking good."

Nick's eyebrows rose in concern. "You didn't drive home, did you?" Even though their relationship had definitely been stilted as of lately, he couldn't be as heartless as to not to worry about whether or not she got into a car drunk. She was still technically his wife, so if anything happened to her he'd have to be the one to pick up the pieces.

"No, of course not. I was on assignment, so I had a driver. Thank God for editing! I hope they won't be able to tell how messed up I was during the parts I filmed," she continued to babble on. "So, what are you doing?"

Nick sighed. "Honestly? I was trying to go to sleep until you called."

"Oh yea... Duh! You did say that. So... does that mean you're in bed?"

He rolled his eyes at the phone quickly losing her patience with her. Dude, did I sound this retarded in my drunk dialing days? he wondered. Even though he knew that it would probably go right over her head, he couldn't fight the urge to answer back sarcastically. "No, I'm in the bathtub."

"The bathtub?" Shayla sounded confused. "Why would you sleep in there? Isn't that uncomfortable?"

I should know better than to use sarcasm on a drunk person. "I was being sarcastic sweetie. It was a joke. I really am in bed."

"Well, you don't have to be so testy about it. Sounds to me like you need to get laid..."

"Oh, you have no idea what I need," he found himself saying before he could even stop himself. Luckily Shayla seemed to interpret his words a little differently, saving him a whole lot of explanation.

"I think that maybe I do," she replied. "I'm lying in bed too and I'm pretty lonely. I miss you not being here." Her voice lowered several octaves. "I'm wearing that gold mini dress you love. The backless one that barely covers my ass. And guess what I have on underneath?" She paused for a moment or two for dramatic effect. "Nothing."

Nick lay there for a moment processing everything that she'd just said and he had to admit, under normal circumstances he'd be really turned on right about now. But there was something about the situation that just wasn't doing it for him. Maybe it was the sloppy way in which she slurred out her words, which totally ruined the effect of her sultry tone of voice. Or maybe it was more than that. Maybe it was the fact that he just simply wasn't attracted to her anymore. Whatever it was, for once he could not think of a single damn thing to say in response, so instead he stayed quiet.

"I really wish you were here right now," Shayla moaned, making Nick wonder what exactly was going on, on the other end of the line. She paused seeming to wait for Nick to come back with some sort of sly response, but it never came. Losing patience, Shayla sighed in frustration. "Are you alive over there Nick? Did I give you a heart attack or something?"

"I'm here," he distantly responded. "I'm just really tired though. I think I should just go to bed and you probably should too."

He could practically picture Shayla's mouth gaping in indignation. "Are you serious?" she asked. "You seriously want me to stop? Are you feeling okay Nick?"

"Yea, I'm fine. Just tired. And you're drunk. We shouldn't be doing this."

He heard her snort on the other end of the line. "Since when did you become such a gentleman?"

Nick's voice rose a little as he began to lose his patience. "I just don't think that this is the answer to our problems. You're drunk and probably have no clue what you're saying and doing and I think that things are complicated enough already between us. Get some sleep and we can talk tomorrow morning when you're sober if you want."

That's when the dam burst open and the waterworks began to pour out, further confirming to Nick that she was completely unfit to have this conversation. "I just miss you Nick!" she sniffled. "It's really hard for me you know. Now all your stuff is gone and it just seems so real. You're never coming back, are you?"

Nick sighed, not wanting to go down this road tonight. "I didn't say that. I just need a little more time."

"More time? You've had almost three fucking months! I can't live like this anymore Nick. You have to make up your fucking mind! If you're going to divorce me just do it already and get it over with! Don't leave me dangling here with false hope."

He sat there silently not wanting to admit that even in her drunken stupor she was completely right. He wasn't being fair to her, but he just wasn't sure what he wanted. He was pretty sure he didn't feel the same way he once did about her, especially after his night with Alyssa, but as selfish as it sounded he didn't want to completely let her go either. As it was Alyssa had all but completely abandoned him. He didn't want to end up completely alone. "We'll talk about this another day," he tried to assure her. "I'm going to hang up now. Try and get some rest."

Before she could get another word in edgewise Nick ended the call and lay back down. He needed to make some major decisions in his life and soon. If he didn't decide what he wanted to do about this Shayla situation it was only going to get worse.

Little did he know that his life was about to get a hell of a lot more complicated and his relationship with Shayla was about to become the least of his worries.

Chapter 25- You Can Run But You Can't Hide

            The summer was just about gone before Nick even realized. He had been so wrapped up in his problems with Shayla and then of course the whole Alyssa drama that he had admittedly missed out on one of his favorite times of year. Not much had changed in the past two weeks. Unlike what he had promised Shayla, he hadn't called her back and he was a little surprised that she didn't try contacting him again. Maybe she was finally giving up on him for good this time. As for Alyssa there had also been no change. He knew that by now she'd have to have at least received his card and the baby blanket he had sent her. If she had, she had done nothing to indicate it and didn't even seem the least bit thankful. That was unlike Alyssa. She usually was the queen of the etiquette; the type of person who sent out thank you cards in the mail anytime she received any kind of gift from anyone else. Something was definitely up with her, but he was having a really hard time figuring what it was when she seemed to be going to great lengths to avoid him. He really was beginning to wonder what her issue was. Was she still upset about them hooking up back in June?

            With Labor Day around the corner, Nick saw a perfect opportunity to finally be able to pull her aside and find out what was really going on with her. Izzy was having a Labor Day barbeque at her house and of course had invited both Nick and Alyssa. Izzy had no idea that the two of them had hooked up earlier that summer. Alyssa had distanced herself a lot from her old crowd as of lately. Nick was pretty sure that she kept their night a secret between the two of them. For a moment or two he actually wondered if he should confide in Izzy, but then quickly decided against it. She and Tristan were struggling enough and he was pretty sure she wouldn't take the fact that they'd both broken their wedding vows very lightly. Anyway he was hoping that the little get together would give him a chance to see her again.

            Unfortunately, Izzy was disappointed to report back to him that Alyssa wouldn't be attending the barbeque after all. According to her, Alyssa had claimed that she had already been invited to another barbeque with two of her neighbors and their children. Izzy had explained that since Sean had left for Iraq she'd grown close to these other two women who were also military wives. Apparently they were a good source of comfort for her or something.

            Izzy had seemed to buy the excuse, but Nick found the fact that she already seemed to have plans awfully coincidental. Maybe it was just him being paranoid, but something in his gut made him doubt her. He began to obsess over it until he knew that there was only one thing he could do to ease his fears. As psycho as it sounded, he planned on driving by her house before stopping by Izzy's that afternoon. If she really wasn't home he could rest assured that she really was telling the truth. If not, he planned on confronting her about it. She couldn't hide from him if he cornered her in her home, right?

            As he drove over to her house he tried to tell himself how crazy he was being. This is such a chick thing to do, checking up on her like this. I hate to be this sneaky, but if it's the only way to get her to open up to me, so be it. He hated to think that she was lying, but the truth was that something had to have been bothering her lately and he had the sneaky suspicion that it somehow had to do with him.

            He slowed his BMW down to a crawl as he turned onto her block. As expected her black Jetta sat parked in her driveway, giving more evidence to the fact that she was indeed home after all. Not necessarily, he argued with himself. If the barbeque was at a neighbor's house she could've very well walked. Why waste the gas? There was only one way to know for sure if she was at home or not and that would be for him to get out and actually knock on her door. Before he lost his nerve, he pulled over towards the curb and got out of his car. Hesitantly he walked up the driveway and approached the front door if the house. With a shaky hand, he raised his finger up to press the doorbell and he waited.

            He could hear the electronic noise reverberate throughout the house and stood for a moment or two waiting with no response. He was just about to give up and go back to his vehicle when he heard the door knob being twisted open. He froze when the door opened up to reveal Alyssa standing there in a loose pair of capri pajama pants and a matching tank top. The expression on her face appeared to match the same shocked one that he knew must've been on his own.

            She lied. She REALLY lied to us. But why? he wondered. He didn't have a chance to debate this question any further because Alyssa's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Nick? What are you doing here?" she asked, sounding slightly defensive.

            It took a moment or two for him to find his voice. "I just wanted to stop by to see how you were doing. You've been avoiding me lately and I know that you turned down Izzy's invitation the barbeque-"

            "So you were checking up on me?" Her nostrils flared in indignation. "Real nice. I bet you were just hoping to catch me red handed, huh?"

            "Well, no offense, but you told Izzy that you were going to a neighbor's barbeque. It doesn't look like you're going anywhere today to me," he retorted, glancing over her frumpy appearance. "Why would you lie about something like that?"

            "Why would you think you have to check out my story like a fucking detective?" she shot back. "And if you must know the barbeque was cancelled. One of Callie's kids is sick, so she called it off."

            Nick didn't buy the excuse one bit. "Get off it Alyssa. That's a lie and you know it. Why don't you just admit that the real reason you didn't want to go to Izzy's barbeque because you didn't want to have to deal with seeing me, right?"

            Alyssa's eyes flickered a little and Nick knew that he had struck a nerve. "We should take this inside," she told him as she opened up the door for him. "If we're going to fight I don't want my entire block to get a free show. They're all horrible gossips anyway."

            Nick followed her inside, but once they were far enough into the house where he knew he couldn't be heard he turned on her again. "Why the fuck are you trying so hard to avoid me lately?"

            "I don't know what you're talking about. I've done nothing of the sort," she denied, but Nick couldn't help but notice how she refused to make any eye contact with him.

            "Are you trying to say that you haven't been avoiding me? That's strange because the last time I saw you was your anniversary and I had to practically invite myself over in order to see you. Since then anytime I call you rush me off the phone. You haven't even acknowledged the fact that I sent you a congratulations gift for the baby. Hell, you told everyone else that you were pregnant, but me! I had to find it out through the grapevine from Izzy like I didn't even matter to you or something. What gives! I thought that we were closer than that."

            "I've been really busy Nick. Ask Izzy or Teri or Tricia if I've hung out with them once since Sean left for Iraq?" Alyssa tried to defend herself. "It's been really rough without him and then I found out I was pregnant and it's just been non stop. Between doctors appointments and baby planning... I just don't have a lot of free time right now."

            "Since when the hell are you so reliant on Sean? If I remember correctly before he left you had nothing but complaints about him. About how he was so obsessed about getting you pregnant that he was treating you like a machine instead of a person? How he was forgetting all about your needs? How he did nothing at all to satisfy you? If I remember correctly, you came crying on my shoulder begging for comfort, which I more than readily gave you, and now you actually have the nerve to forget all of that because he's temporarily out of the picture? You'd rather pine away over that asshole than be with your friends who have been with you for way longer than he has?"

            "My husband is over in Iraq fighting for our country! What the fuck are you doing right now Nick? Playing in a recording studio with a bunch of no name hopefuls?" As soon as the words left her mouth she regretted them. She knew that had been an unfair remark to make and she really hadn't meant a word of it, but it was too late to take it back now.

            She watched as Nick's face turned red in anger. "Don't you fucking dare try to compare me to him! And don't try to make him out to be some great hero or something. Admit it, deep down you're glad that he's gone. Now you don't have to feel guilty every time you look at his face because you know what you've done to him."

            "Why would I feel guilty?" Alyssa challenged, trying her best to act distant and oblivious. "It was a mistake and I'm over it. Completely."

            "Bullshit! You think you're so put together and collected, but let me tell you something; you're completely transparent! You still haven't gotten over the fact that we slept together. You think that if you just act like it never happened it'll just magically be erased. But the truth is that you do think about it. A lot more often than you want to admit. And if you could you'd do it again too. You feel guilty because I kept you more satisfied than your husband! Why don't you just drop the act and just admit that it was the best sex that you'd had in a long time."

            Alyssa's mouth hung in shock and she felt her blood pressure begin to spike. Okay, maybe everything he just said had been true, but she wasn't about to let him have the satisfaction of being right. "Do you listen to yourself? How much more of an overconfident prick could you sound like right now?"

            Nick stepped closer to her. "Admit it," he demanded, grabbing her arms. "You still have feelings for me."

            Alyssa shrank back a bit almost afraid that he might hit her. You're being ridiculous, she chastised. Nick would never hit a pregnant woman. Still her stubbornness continued to fight. "For you? Please. You just caught me at a weak moment."

            "Then prove it." He tightened his grip on her wrists and pulled her closer to him, sweeping her lips up against his roughly. The movement was so unexpected and her body was still pounding with adrenaline that she was caught completely off guard and her body responded before her mind could. She returned the kiss just as roughly, twisting her arms out of his grasp and pressing her hands hard against his back. Her heart was racing a mile a minute and when common sense finally kicked in and she pulled away she found it hard to hide the fact that she was left trembling from the passionate moment.

            Nick shot her an arrogant smirk. "Yea... That's what I thought."

            He almost expected her to smack him. Or start screaming at him. Kick him out of her house. But instead she did the most unexpected thing. She backed away, took a deep breath and then began to cry. Not little tears either. Emotional gut wrenching sobs. Shit, what did I just do? he wondered. He knew pregnant women could be emotional train wrecks, but he wasn't quite sure if he'd seen anyone flip moods like that so quickly. He stood here helplessly for a moment as he watched Alyssa collapse back onto the couch, her head in her hands.

            Don't just stand there. Apologize! he told himself as he slid down next to her putting an arm on her shoulder. "I'm sorry Alyssa. I shouldn't have done that. I was way out of line. You're right. It was a pretty prickish thing to do."

            Alyssa just shook her head still crying. "It's just such a fucked up situation. How did we get ourselves into this mess?"

            Nick wasn't sure how to answer that, but quickly found out that it was a rhetorical question because Alyssa continued to ramble on clearly in the midst of some sort of mini meltdown. "I'll admit it. I did enjoy our night together. Very much. But things are different now. We can't just casually continue to hook up anytime we're feeling restless. There are other people involved now. Lord knows I fucked up enough just by this time alone. I was so happy when I found out that I was pregnant. Then I found that Sean is sterile..."

            Sean is sterile? Wait, hold up! If he's sterile he can't have kids which means... Oh, fuck. Nick's mind finally connected the dots, but he refused to fully believe it. "What do you mean Sean is sterile?"

            "He can't have kids," Alyssa tearfully explained. "Apparently they found out when we went to the fertility clinic to get those tests done."

            "Then that means..." Nick paused, practically gulping for air. "That means that the baby is mine?"

            Alyssa could only nod before bursting into another set of tears. "I'm so sorry Nick. This was entirely not the way I wanted you to find out."

            Nick sat back feeling completely stunned. That baby in there was his? He was really going to be a father? For real this time? The more he thought about the more sense it made. The avoided phone calls... The obvious distance she'd drawn between them... Of course Sean wasn't doing the job because he was shooting blanks the whole time. How ironic... It was Alyssa's frustration with not being able to get pregnant that had sent her into his arms in the first place. And they'd created a baby that night. It was way too much for him to process. Just as he had reacted when Shayla had told him she was pregnant his instinct to run took over and he shot up from the couch. "I need to think about this. I'm sorry, but I have to go."

            Not even waiting to see the hurt and abandonment in her eyes he was out the door in a flash. Once he was in the safety of his car and far enough away from her house he finally allowed his emotions to get the better of him.

Chapter 26 - Emotion Sickness

Nick gazed out at the clear blue ocean that stretched out in front of him from the deck of his boat and loudly sighed. It was the next day and he was still trying to recover from the bombshell that Alyssa had dropped on him the previous afternoon. He'd been absolutely stunned ever since she'd told him the truth and of course just like had it been with Shayla his first instinct was to run. He needed time to think and make sense of it all. Even now twenty-four hours later it still felt like some kind of sick joke. But Alyssa wouldn't lie about something like that, he rationalized. Why would she? She'd seemed completely distraught over the situation and no one was that good of an actress.

He'd lain awake almost all night, staring up at ceiling like a zombie, his thoughts rushing at him faster than he could process. Finally realizing that he needed to really think this out as clearly as possible, he'd decided to take his boat out today. He hadn't done that in awhile and he had to admit that he did some of his best thinking while he was out on the water. It was the perfect day to be out on the water too. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and the early September sun was just warm enough.

He wished that on the inside he felt just as peaceful as the weather today. Instead he had so much turmoil balled up inside of him. Honestly, he wasn't sure what his next step should be or much less what he wanted it to be. For the second time this year, he found himself faced with the scary reality of fatherhood looming before him, only this time he knew that it was the real deal. Being a father wasn't really a role that he really wanted to accept at this point in his life. But with Alyssa? He had to admit that he'd considered her to be probably the only one of his serious relationships he'd even imagined possibly having a child with someday. When he had been dating Mandy, they were both young and kids were the last thing on either one of their minds. Then he'd dated Alyssa and he'd actually kind of been thrust into fatherhood with Katie. As bad as things had wound up with Katie, when he and Alyssa got back together and they'd gotten engaged, he definitely could picture a family in their future. His parents divorce had ruined that illusion for him. His next serious relationship had been Paris and kids hadn't even been a discussion for them. Anything that could jeopardize her stick like figure was an automatic no. And now with Shayla? He just couldn't picture her as the motherly type. She was too career oriented.

He knew how badly Alyssa had wanted to become pregnant, but of course not like this. How ironic was it for Sean to be unable to have kids all along? If he hadn't been sterile, Alyssa probably would have gotten pregnant a lot sooner and not have been as frustrated with Sean. If everything had just worked out the way they were supposed to he began to seriously wonder if the night they had shared together ever would've happened at all?

There was no way that he ever could've imagined that on that particular night they'd actually go as far as to create a baby. It was just so crazy how fate turned out. He wanted Alyssa to become pregnant to make her happy, but he certainly hadn't planned on himself to be the one to be responsible. Things had just happened to work out that way though. And now he was being faced with the decision of what to do now.

He supposed Alyssa was the one with the hardest burden to bear. Stupid him hadn't even stuck around long enough to find out what exactly she planned on doing about the baby. He realized that in the end it was her ultimate decision whether or not she wanted him to be a part of their baby's life. He was well aware about how badly Sean wanted this child, so for him to find out that it wasn't his after all, sure would be devastating for him. He seriously doubted that Sean would be the type who would be okay in raising his baby. It would mean that Nick would constantly be involved in Alyssa's life, and he doubted Sean could stomach that. But what other option was there? For a moment or two he pictured Alyssa leaving Sean and him leaving Shayla and the two of them running off and making a new life for each other, but he quickly shook the image from his head. Not only was it completely unrealistic and way too neat and tidy, it just sounded like something out of some cheesy movie. With much hesitation, he had to admit that the only thing he really could do at this point would be to stand by Alyssa and support whatever decision she decided to make.

There was one thing he needed to do though. He needed to let Alyssa know all of this. He hated to think how upset she probably was after the way he had just ran out like that on her the day before. He needed to apologize for his actions and let her know that he'd stick by whatever choice she made. He dug into his pocket and fished out his cell phone taking a deep breath before he dialed Alyssa's now familiar phone number.

The phone rang a few times before he heard Alyssa's voice on the other end. "Hello?" she answered, her voice sounding tired and small.

"Hey Lyss... It's Nick." He didn't give her time to respond before he rushed to continue his little speech. "Look, I really want to apologize for last night. I shouldn't have run out on you like that. It was a pretty asshole kind of thing to do under the circumstances."

"It's all right. I probably would've done the same thing in your shoes too I guess," Alyssa admitted.

"I think that we should get together and talk about this now that we've both had some time to think things over I guess. Probably face to face would be best," he continued. "I'm out on my boat right now and it's a beautiful day. It's nice and private, so it might be a good place to talk. Could you maybe meet me at the arena in like forty-five minutes? I'll turn around and pick you up."

He could hear Alyssa swallow on the other end of the phone. "All right. That sounds like a good idea. I'll pack us some sandwiches or something."

"Sounds good. I'll see you then," he told her before hanging up the phone. He stared out at the ocean one last time before preparing to head back to shore to pick Alyssa up. His stomach knotted in nervousness. As much as he didn't want to have the conversation that lay ahead of him, he knew it was necessary. He just wondered what exactly was going on in Alyssa's head at the moment.

**********

By the time he pulled back into the dock, Alyssa was already standing there waiting for him dressed in a pair of denim Bermuda shorts and a long, flowy grey and green cotton tank top that was fitted on top. On her feet were a pair of green flip flops and a pair of sunglasses were placed on top of her loose wavy hair. In her hands she was holding a blue beach cooler.

"You're early," Nick remarked in surprise as he anchored the boat.

"Yea I know. I wasn't waiting very long though. I just got here a few minutes ago," she explained, avoiding making direct eye contact with him.

"You look nice," he told her, trying to break the ice a little bit between them.

"Thanks." There was another awkward pause until Nick stepped forward and held out her hand to help her onto the boat. A few moments later she was all aboard and dropped Nick's hand as if it were on fire.

"You ready?" he asked as he began to steer the boat back away from the dock.

Alyssa just nodded and turned her attention back out onto the water. The two of them remained silent for about twenty minutes as Nick piloted them a reasonable distance out into the ocean, the whole time Alyssa seeming very interested in the water below her. Finally when Nick seemed satisfied with their location, he dropped the anchor and let them drift a little bit with the current.

"I don't know about you, but I'm pretty hungry," he hinted, eying the cooler sitting in Alyssa's lap. "What did you bring?"

"Turkey, cheese, and mayo," Alyssa answered. "And bottled water. Is that okay?"

"That's fine," he assured her, grabbing the cooler from her. "If you want I think I have a blanket inside the cabin that we can spread the food out on."

"I'll go check," she offered, seeming grateful for an excuse to leave him out on the deck for the moment. A few moments later she reappeared with a red and blue plaid blanket in her hands. She laid it out flat on the deck and made herself comfortable on it.

Nick, who had already helped himself to his sandwich and bottle of water, plopped down beside her as he took a bite of his sandwich. "Mmm... Not bad."

Alyssa narrowed her eyes at him. "Nick it's a turkey sandwich. They all pretty much taste the same no matter who makes them."

"Okay you're right," he admitted. "I was just trying to find something to say to make this less awkward."

She sighed, her gaze shifting back out onto the ocean. "I don't think that there's anything you really could say to make this less weird."

"Right again. So, let's not try to dance around the topic any longer." Nick took a swig of his water bottle, wishing that it contained vodka instead. Lord knew he probably could use some to help him get through this. "I just want to let you know that I've done a lot of thinking since I ran out on you last night. Again I apologize, but if you haven't realized by now that's kind of me when I get unexpected news. My first instinct is to run away and hide until the news has really sunk in and I'm prepared to deal with it. Well, I've thought about it and I'm now prepared to deal with it. As much as this is the last thing either of us expected to happen as a result of that night, it happened and it's my responsibility to own up to the consequences. I know that this really is your decision in the end and I just want to let you know that whatever you decide, I'm willing to cooperate one hundred percent."

Alyssa's eyes glistened with tears in the sunlight as she turned to look at him for the first time since he'd picked her up. Obviously his words had struck some kind of painful chord in her. "Whatever I decide, huh?" she asked. "You'd really be cool with anything I wanted?"

Nick shifted on the blanket uncomfortably feeling like this was some sort of trick question. "Well, I guess just about anything. I mean it's your body and you have more to lose than me with Sean and all. Unless you're thinking about getting an abortion or something... I wouldn't want you to do that especially because I know how badly you want a baby even if its father isn't exactly the same man that you planned on it being." He stopped once he realized that he was babbling.

Alyssa's eyes narrowed at him again. "You honestly think I could go into an abortion in good faith? I'm one hundred percent against the idea. Besides, it's getting too late for that anyway. I'm almost done with my first trimester already."

"So, have you thought at all about what you do want to do?" he tentatively asked.

She paused looking back down at her fingers. "It's really complicated. Sean seems so thrilled about this baby. He keeps leaving me e-mails about all the things the three of us are going to do as a family when he comes home from Iraq." She looked back up at him, tears streaking her cheeks. "He's so clueless it's heartbreaking. He has no idea that this baby I'm carrying is yours and that the truth is that he can't have kids naturally on his own. How am I supposed to break that to him? Especially when I can't even have the decency to do it in person, face to face? I can't just be like oh yeah; on second thought you're not going to be a father. I've never seen a man so grateful for this opportunity before."

Nick could already feel his stomach drop knowing exactly where this was heading. "What are you thinking of doing?"

Alyssa sighed, giving Nick the indication that this was an extremely difficult decision for her. One that she had given a lot of thought to and although it would be hurtful to him, it would be the best for everyone involved. "This is really a shitty situation and I'm so sorry to place you in the middle of this. At first I thought about not even telling you period, but that would be extremely unfair. You should know that you have a child out there somewhere. It's not fair to deny you of that. And I want you to be a part of this child's life. You deserve that much, but-"

"What are you trying to say?" His heart was hammering in his chest so hard that he didn't even realize that he had interrupted her.

She took a deep breath. "Look, you've made it pretty clear that you aren't a fan of having kids of your own right now and that's fine. That's your choice. It's not fair that because of one night of too much wine or whatever you have to be forced into a situation that you want no part of. Sean wants this so badly Nick. Much more than you do. I know this is asking you to make the ultimate sacrifice, but could you keep this a secret? Let the world believe that this baby does belong to Sean. Then after it's born I can think of some way to let Sean know that he's infertile. Maybe let him believe that it's a result from some chemical over in Iraq. But please let him have just this one chance."

Nick could do little to hide the fact that he was stunned. Completely and utterly stunned. Of all the possibilities, this was the one option that he hadn't even thought about. The one option he was almost sure of that Alyssa would never consider. Desperation really brings out the worst in people, he realized. He had to admit, part of him was appalled that she'd even ask him to give up his rights like this, but as much as he wanted to scream at her and really ream into her for even thinking he would be okay with the idea, he also knew this wasn't a decision that she'd reached without considering every other option. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't consider her to be a selfish bitch. He knew Alyssa and he knew she was doing this because she cared more about those around her than herself, so ironically enough this seemingly selfish act was completely unselfish. He knew how Alyssa's mind worked and he knew the guilt that would eat away at her every time she saw Sean hold his baby. It would haunt her for the rest of her life. But that was the price she was willing to pay just to protect her husband.

Still was he willing to give up his chance at fatherhood for Sean? Alyssa had been right. He hadn't wanted her baby to be his. He didn't really want kids, but knowing that he had a son or a daughter right underneath his nose was kind of hard to ignore. It hurt big time that Alyssa just had assumed that he didn't want the responsibility, so they might as well turn it over to someone who did want it. Okay, maybe he wasn't jumping up and down like Sean was, but did that make him any less of a person? Yea, he'd have other opportunities for children. Hell, if he really wanted, he could run right back home to Shayla and work on having their own child and she'd be just ecstatic. But it wasn't the same. He'd created something so special with Alyssa, probably the most influential woman in his life, and to have her ask him to give it up just like that was pretty much just a slap in the face.

"Nick please say something," she tearfully begged, her eyes pleading with his. "This really is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I hate all these lies and deceptions, but it's for the best. It could never work with you and me. You know that and I know that. Like I said I want you to be a part of this baby's life. You're definitely be the Godfather. I'm not going to deny you from spending time with him or her."

Yea, Godfather, Nick scoffed to himself. What a joke!

"Besides Nick... You did say that you would support my decision no matter what I decided, right?" she continued.

"Yea." He swallowed hard. "I did say that." He looked away almost embarrassed to feel tears well up in the corner of his eyes. "Do what you have to do," he told her in a choked up voice as he stood up from the blanket knowing he wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer. "I'm going to go inside for a bit," he muttered as he headed into the cabin.

Alyssa turned and watched him go before drawing her knees up to her chest and burying her head into her legs as she cried. She knew that she had hurt Nick very badly. It hurt her to see him so upset and to know that for once she'd been the one to cause him pain. But it really was the best thing to do. In the end, she had to be loyal to her husband. She just hoped that in time he'd learn to understand and hopefully forgive her.

**********

            Nick slammed down his cocktail glass for the third time onto the hotel suite nightstand, before grabbing the half empty bottle of Jack Daniel's he had grabbed from the hotel mini bar, and refilling his glass again. He'd been long awaiting the chance to drink himself until he felt so numb that he couldn't feel the emotional pain that Alyssa had put him through earlier that afternoon. He'd wasted no time in heading back to the marina where Alyssa had been smart enough to exit his boat without even bothering to say goodbye. After he'd secured his boat to the dock, he'd driven straight to the condo and headed in just long enough to grab his things. He knew he couldn't stay there with all the memories of his night with Alyssa there to haunt him. He'd checked in to the nearest four star hotel for the night while he cleared his head, which is where he was presently.

            He was just at the point where he was beginning to feel a nice little buzz beginning. He could feel the numbness in his hands and feet and laid his head back onto the bed in relief. His arm brushed against the outline of his cell phone in his pocket and he pulled it out and flipped it open, having the urge to talk to someone, but he wasn't sure who. He flipped through his contacts and then stopped when he saw his wife's name highlighted.

            That's when he knew what he had to do. It was pretty obvious that what had happened between him and Alyssa was not going to happen again and she'd hurt him just as badly as Shayla had. He realized for the first time that he was no longer angry with Shayla. He dialed her number before he lost his nerve and waited as the phone rang.

            "Nick!" Shayla's voice broke through the line. "I'm so glad to hear from you! Where are you?"

            Nick took in a deep breath. "I'm in a hotel suite at Chateau Marmont... Do you think you could stop by?"

            "Of course. I'm cancelling all my meetings right now," she assured him. "What's the hurry? You sound urgent."

            "It is. I want to come home."

Chapter 27- Girls Behaving Badly

            Another few weeks passed by and with it Alyssa began her second trimester of her pregnancy. It almost blew her mind how fast the time was going by. Now that morning sickness was officially behind her, this new phase of her pregnancy brought up some new things to look forward too. Although she still wasn't very large, she was just beginning to sport a very slight baby bump underneath her clothes. It all depended on what top she wore and what angle she was caught from, but several of her friends and coworkers were beginning to take notice of the change in her body. Making it to this point in her pregnancy sent a large sense of relief through her. Statistically, she'd heard that the first trimester was usually the most likely point for anything to go wrong, so making it through that point helped her relax a little bit.

            She also felt a little more relaxed now that everything was out in the open with Nick about the baby. They hadn't spoken since the day after Labor Day and Alyssa knew that he was upset with her. She still hated herself for being so cruel to him, but she had to make the decision that was best for her child. For a guy who didn't want kids he seemed awfully upset at Alyssa's decision to raise the baby as Sean's, prompting Alyssa to wonder if perhaps there was more to the story. Could Shayla's fake pregnancy scare really have changed Nick's mind? But if he really wasn't okay with the idea why didn't he just say something? she wondered to herself. How was she supposed to know what was going on in his head if he didn't tell her?

            She'd heard through the grapevine that he and Shayla had gotten back together. He'd moved back in not on after she'd told him the truth about the baby. She knew Nick well enough to know that underneath the exterior he really had only gotten back with Shayla because he was upset at her. Nick simply couldn't be alone. He needed a woman to take care of him, and Shayla was more than willing to provide him with that. Plus, Alyssa figured it would be hypocritical for him not to forgive Shayla after she'd gone and hurt him equally as bad. Whatever... she'd told herself. Maybe it's for the best. It might be safer if he hates my guts. Things were easier before we decided to try being friends again anyway.

            Unfortunately, with Teri and Howie's wedding right around the corner, and them both being in a bridal party, they were going to have to see each other soon. The wedding was only a week away now. What made the situation even more awkward was that no one else knew the whole story between them or even knew that they were no longer talking. It certainly was set to be an interesting wedding. Alyssa just hoped that they could try to politely avoid each other. She wouldn't want any drama to take away from Teri's wedding day.

            She hadn't hung out with the girls very much since Sean had left for Iraq and she'd found out she was pregnant. She hadn't socialized much with anyone. Even her contact with Sean had been limited. Things were beginning to start to get more serious over in Iraq and he'd warned her that he wouldn't be able to get online very much for the time being. Although she'd relented, Teri had insisted though that Alyssa join her, Tricia, and the rest of the bridal party for her bachelorette party. Alyssa really hadn't been too enthusiastic about the idea. She was never one for the typical male stripper bachelorette party, and being pregnant definitely made her feel even more out of place at one. It wasn't like she could drink anyway.

            But Teri had been stubborn and in the end had convinced Alyssa to change her mind. Surprisingly, Teri had decided on something much more low key and enjoyable for her bachelorette party. She'd booked a spa afternoon, followed by dinner at a popular downtown LA restaurant, and then possibly a stop at a bar afterwards for a few drinks. Alyssa had managed to excuse herself from the bar part, but had agreed to the first two events, especially after Teri had told her that the spa offered a special pregnancy massage for expectant mothers that was supposed to be to die for. It had been a long time since Alyssa had let her hair down and partied with the girls and with all the drama going on in her life the past few months she figured she could use a ladies night.

            Alyssa knew she had made the right decision the moment that she arrived at the spa and her massage began. As the masseuse worked on kneading the tense muscles of her back, she instantly felt all the stress of the past three months temporarily get pushed aside. She closed her eyes and for the first time in a long time she actually felt relaxed.

            "So how did your final dress fitting go?" Teri asked, from the next massage table over sounding a little worried. "Were they able to fix it to make up for the baby weight you've gained?"

            "Yea... It fits perfectly," Alyssa assured her. "I was sweating it too, but thankfully I still haven't gained too much weight lately. Sorry to panic you the last minute like that. I think I'd have had a stroke if I found out a week before my wedding that one of my bridesmaid's dresses might not fit the bridesmaid. You took it quite well."

            "You know I'm not the Bridezilla type. Things always work out in the end, so why stress? That's my philosophy." Teri was quiet for a moment or two before speaking up again. "So, how've you been doing lately? I feel like I haven't seen you much at all these past few months."

            "Well, pregnancy has kind of taken a lot out of me," she half-lied. "I've just been busy with doctor's appointments and I haven't really been feeling the best with morning sickness and all that fun stuff. Then I just started work again last month and I've been pretty much exhausted. I have a really difficult class this year, so they suck a lot of my energy from me. Plus, it's a lot harder having to do everything for myself without Sean around to help."

            "That certainly does sound like a lot going on," the other woman admitted. "I've just missed hanging around with you lately. I'm really glad that you decided to come out with us. I hope that once you become a mother you don't forget all about the girls."

            Alyssa laughed a little at her friend's insecurity. "I promise I'll try to squeeze in some girl time. All I need is a reliable baby sitter and I'm set. But how are you doing? I mean you're the one getting married next week. How are you so calm? I was a nervous wreck at this point before my wedding."

            Teri just shrugged her shoulders a little bit. "I don't know. I guess it's because I'm not exactly the ‘typical bride.' I mean I was never the type of girl who spent most of her childhood imagining her wedding day. I don't think I ever really counted on getting married period. I was perfectly content in just being in a relationship with somebody and if it happened, it happened. The great thing about not ever planning on getting married is that I don't have any expectations about the big day. So, I'm not really worried about anything."

            "That's a good way of looking at it." Alyssa sighed. Teri's explanation did make a lot of sense. "I was just the opposite though. I was the girl planning her wedding since she was four and I actually wound up a little disappointed in the end."

            "Really?" Teri asked. "How so?"

            "I wanted everything just so and sometimes it just doesn't realistically work out that way. I had to settle for a lot and I was a little disappointed. That's why it probably is better to have lower expectations. The best advice that I can give to you is to just enjoy the day and let everything happen naturally. I really wish that I had let myself enjoy myself more. Sometimes I wish I could rewind time and do it over again," she wistfully explained.

            "You can always do it over again," Teri pointed out. "Look at how many couples renew their vows. Besides you never know what the future holds for you."

            Alyssa frowned. "What is that supposed to mean?"

            "Nothing," she replied in a sing song voice. "I was just saying." She paused for a moment before changing the subject. "So, I take it you've heard that Nick and Shayla are back together now?"

            Alyssa felt her back stiffen at the mention of Nick's name, but tried to keep her cool. "Yea, I may have heard something about it."

            "So, what are your feelings on it?" Teri casually asked.

            Alyssa just shrugged. "None of my business. As long as he's happy. He's a big boy now. He makes his own decisions."

            Teri seemed amused by her response. "Well, I personally think it's a mistake. I don't exactly know the details about why they separated exactly myself, but I'm just not a fan of hers. There's something very fake about her."

            "I thought you said she wasn't so bad?" Alyssa asked, remembering the exact words that Teri had said to her when they were all urging her to go up to congratulate Shayla and Nick at their wedding.

            "That's what I thought originally. She seemed okay at first, but after she and Nick got married she seemed to grow a major stick up her ass or something. I mean I'll admit I've always been closest too you and Tricia. I don't exactly have loads in common with Melanie or Leighanne outside of dating a Backstreet Boy, but when I'm around them we're friendly and we get along decently. But Shayla... I don't know. She just rubs me and Tricia the wrong way. Okay, none of us have as exciting careers as she does, but she just acts like because she's a television personality she's so much better than any of us. And the way she's always hanging on Nick whenever she is around? It's just kind of sickening. She's not very friendly at all."

            Hmm... Alyssa wondered. This was now the second member of the Backstreet family to confide in her about Shayla's superiority complex when it came to the other Backstreet wives and girlfriends. Melanie and Leighanne had already hinted to her that they weren't big fans of Shayla's. Alyssa began to seriously wonder if there really was good reason to dislike the woman other than her being married to Nick. "Well, I've only met her like three times actually. Once was at her and Nick's wedding, then when I bumped into her and Nick at Koi, and finally at Nick's dinner party he threw for Kina. The first two times she seemed nice, but almost too nice like it was an act. Then the last time she was very cold to me, so I don't know. She seems very moody, but who am I to judge? If she makes Nick happy..."

            "So, it doesn't bother you that he's with her?" Teri continued to press.

            "Why should it? It's not like I still have feelings for him or anything," she snapped. "I really don't care what he does as far as his marriage. In case you've forgotten, I'm married too. Happily married."

The more she rambled on the more it began to sound as if she was trying to convince herself of that and she hoped that Teri didn't catch on at all. Teri didn't reply back to her, which made Alyssa feel slightly nervous. At that moment, both of their massages just finished up and Teri sat up, clutching her white spa towel around her chest. Alyssa felt her eyes on her as she herself sat up. "What?" she asked, not being able to stand another moment.

"Nothing," Teri quickly replied as she looked away.

*********

            After a few more spa treatments including facials, manicures, and pedicures, Teri, Alyssa, and the rest of the girls in Teri's bridal party left the spa and piled into the black stretch limo they had rented for the night. "Now that we got all the beauty stuff out of the way the real party can begin," Teri announced as they pulled away from the curb. "There's a bottle of champagne in the ice bucket and I think there should be some sparkling cider for you Alyssa."

            The rest of the girls began pouring glasses of champagne and passing them down until everyone had a glass. Alyssa was grateful to see that there was indeed a bottle of sparkling cider for herself. She was very impressed that the girls had tried their best to include her as much as possible. When everyone had a glass in their hand, they made a quick toast to Teri, promising to get her completely fucked up. Alyssa grinned as Tricia took the honor of pulling out a variety of embarrassing bachelorette accessories of a large shopping bag and all the girls cheered and snapped pictures as Teri proudly adorned everything. Tricia clearly hadn't spared any expense to make her friend look absolutely ridiculous and Alyssa couldn't help but laugh at the result. She definitely could sympathize. She could still remember her own bachelorette party that Meg had been in charge of. Although she'd been grateful that Meg had listened to her one request of no cheesy strippers, she must've figured she'd have to go all out with party favors to make up for it. The last time I put Meg in charge of anything, she thought with a smirk.

            Her attention was pulled back to the present as Teri already reached for the champagne bottle again to refill her glass, clearly in the mood to party. They were now on their way to dinner. "Hey, you know what I want to do?" she asked Tricia and Alyssa her eyes lighting up mischievously. "I want to listen to the Backstreet Boys!"

            Tricia giggled. "Well, it just so happens that I did bring along some Backstreet Boy CDs. Alyssa, could you reach into that bag next to you? The CDs are in there and the CD player is right by you."

            "Sure," Alyssa agreed, as she fished into the bag next to her and pulled out the newest Backstreet Boys CD Unbreakable. She had to admit that she hadn't listened to the CD even though it had been out for a long time now. She tended to steer clear of painful reminders of Nick. It was just easier for her that way. She laid the CD case out onto her lap as she pulled out the CD with her right hand, balancing her champagne glass in her left. As she leaned forward to push the CD into the CD player, the case shut close between her thighs. Once the CD was in place she sat back against her seat catching Tricia and Teri both red faced and snickering.

            "What's so funny?" Alyssa asked, looking confused.

            This caused both girls to laugh harder and Alyssa began to wonder if maybe there was something more in their glasses than just champagne. Finally Tricia managed to compose herself enough to answer Alyssa's question. "Sorry. It's just Teri pointed out that you have Nick between your legs right now and I just find that really funny."

            "Wouldn't be the first time!" Teri blurted out trying to control her laughter.

            Alyssa looked down at the CD case and pulled it out of her lap and back into the bag now completely red faced herself. "You guys suck," she muttered.

            ""Aww... Come on lighten up," Teri insisted. "What good is a bachelorette party without corny sex jokes? Take one for the team."

            "Oooh... I love this song! Turn it up," Tricia interrupted, as she leaned over Alyssa to adjust the volume as an up tempo dance beat flowed out of the speakers.

Walking along the sky
Chasing a glimpse of you
Painting a world with stars I found inside your eyes
Up here above the haze
Everything looks so clear
Wondering what it would be like if you were here

And time takes time
But I can't wait
To tell you how I feel

            "Oh you're the calm when my world is crashing... My heart, my blood, my passion... Whyyyy, tell me whyyyy... You're everything but mine..." Tricia began to sing along with the track.

            "I hold you close when it all goes crazy... And through it all, you'll be my lady...  Whyyy tell me whyyyy... You're everything but mine," Teri chimed in to join her.

            As the two women continued to sing along with the song, Alyssa listened carefully to the lyrics, which as usual with most Backstreet Boy songs always struck a chord with her and this was no exception. Even though it was up tempo and reminded her of something you'd hear in a club, it still hauntingly enough reminded her of her relationship with Nick.

            She must have looked a little dazed because as the song ended she was jarred back into the present by the sound of Tricia's voice calling her name. "Alyssa? Are you okay? You look a little out of it."

            "I'm fine," she insisted, painting a fake smile on her face. "Really."

            "You're not still pissed about the joke I made about Nick are you?" Teri asked.

            "I wasn't pissed in the first place Ter. I'm fine. I promise," she insisted.

            Both girls looked at her doubtfully, but thankfully let the subject drop. The rest of the limo ride passed by uneventfully and before Alyssa knew it they had arrived at the restaurant for dinner. After they got out of the limo they were ushered into a private back room and once they were settled in a waiter came around to take their drink orders. The women perused the menu for a few more minutes and by the time their drinks arrived they were ready to order their meals.

            After the waiter took all of their orders and was out of sight Teri looked around at the faces of the other women at the table mischievously from her seat at the head. "So, I figure what's a party without goodie bags? Which is why I bought a little something for all of you girls. Take it as a little thank you gift for all of you for being in my bridal party on my special day. I hope you like it." She paused to smirk as she grabbed a large shopping bag from her feet. "I know you'll definitely enjoy at least one part of the gift."

            Uh oh... Alyssa thought, knowing Teri to well to know that at least one of the items in the little pink gift bags that were making their way down the table had to be something dirty. At first Alyssa was surprised when she got her bag and first pulled out a white square jewelry box with a gorgeous silver and purple bracelet that would match their bridesmaid's gowns perfectly. But the bag still wasn't empty yet and once Alyssa pulled out the second object she couldn't help but to laugh. "Gee thanks, Teri. Exactly what every pregnant woman needs, a vibrator."

            Teri cracked up at Alyssa's reaction and just shrugged her shoulders. "Who knows? The baby might like it."

            "Actually..." Teri's cousin, Lisa spoke up from her spot at the table. "I have two kids so I speak from experience. You'd be very surprised. Once those pregnancy hormones really hit you'll be doing things you never imagined you'd do. How far along are you again?"

            "A little more than four months," Alyssa answered.

            "Mmhmm..." Lisa nodded with a smirk. "It's that second trimester. I'm telling you."

            " I dunno..." she doubtfully answered. "I can't imagine feeling the least bit sexy with a big ole belly. Besides my husband is overseas-"

            "Then I'd hold on to that vibrator," Lisa interrupted her. "Trust me on this."

            "Uhh ok..." Alyssa answered with a polite smile. She'd heard all sorts of tales about raging hormones throughout pregnancy, but the only kind of hormones she was feeling lately were the emotional ones that turned her into a total basket case. That's totally not going to be me.

            "Alyssa might be okay. She might just shock us all and get herself a little booty call on the side," Teri announced shooting her a knowing glance.

            "What?" Whatever gave Teri that idea? she wondered as she realized that this had been the second or third time that night that Teri had made a comment that had gotten under her skin. Was it possible that she knew more than what she let on?

            "I was just kidding. Relax Lyss," Teri assured her.

            It's a little hard to relax when she's making not so innocent comments like that all day. Alyssa made a mental note to pull her aside later and ask her what exactly was going on. There definitely had to be more to this story.

***********

            After dinner was finished, Alyssa excused herself to get up and use the bathroom. After she was done and excited the stall she was met with both Teri and Tricia at the sink waiting for her. "What's going on?" she asked as she turned on the water to begin washing her hands.

            "We could ask you the same thing," Teri countered, her hands on her hips. "You've been acting all weird and uptight all night. Especially whenever I bring up Nick. I thought the two of you were all best friends lately?"

            "We were never best friends," she tried to argue. "We were just hanging out."

            "But you did admit to us that you were still a little physically attracted to him and if you had the opportunity to sleep with him and get away with it, you would," Tricia reminded her.

            "So?" Alyssa turned off the faucet and grabbed a paper towel to dry her hands. "Yea I did, but it wasn't like it was serious. It was one of those hypothetical things. Not like it was actually going to happen." She attempted to push past the two girls to get through the door, but they blocked her exit.

            Teri stood with her arms firmly crossed over her chest. "Come on Alyssa. The two of you were really close and now we're hearing that since he got back with Shayla the two of you haven't spoken? Something tells me there's more to this story than you're letting on."

            "You know that you can tell us anything Lyss. Like seriously Teri and I are probably the world's least judgmental people. I don't think there's much that you could tell us that would shock us beyond belief," Tricia added.

            Alyssa sighed wanting so much to confess the current mess she was entangled in with someone, but knew that the idea was not a smart one. The more people who knew the situation the more of a chance there was of it exploding in her face. "I don't know anything. Nick and I just stopped talking because Shayla and I aren't fond of each other," she quickly lied.

            "You slept with him didn't you?" Teri boldly accused.

            "No, why would you think that?" she answered a little too quickly.

            "Because I know you and Nick. I know your past and I know that there's definitely been a lot of tension between the two of you. Factor in the fact that Sean is away and you've got to be feeling pretty lonely, I'd say it's pretty obvious."

            Both women glared up at her expectantly and Alyssa knew that there was no way that she could hold up any longer without cracking. Even though she hadn't known Teri and Tricia as long as she'd known Izzy or any of the other girls, they just had a way of reading her way too well. She'd never been able to convincingly lie to them, so what on earth made her think she could start now? "Fine," she admitted throwing up her hands. "I slept with him. Are you happy now?" Not even having the nerve to look at their reactions she grabbed another paper towel to dab away the frustrated tears that she already felt forming under her eyelids.

            It was eerily quiet in the bathroom; so silent that you could hear a pin drop. The silence scared her and she desperately wished that someone would say something to break the tension.

            As if to answer her prayers Teri's voice was the first to speak. "So, how was it?"

            "What?" Alyssa was so shocked by Teri's reaction that she was forced to look up at her face. "Did you seriously just ask me how it was? You mean you're not going to tell me what a horrible person I am for cheating on my husband with my ex boyfriend?"

            "Not unless you want me to. Remember, I'm non-judgmental. Besides... I've always been more interested in the juicy, intimate details anyway."

            Alyssa laughed through her tears. The response was just so Teri. "It was amazing," she admitted. "He's so different from back when we were dating a few years ago. He's so much more attentive and caring, which of course makes him even sexier. You would've been proud of me." The corners of her mouth lifted up into a smirk at the memory. "We did it right on top of the dryer in laundry room in the condo that he originally bought for me when I was supposed to move out here."

            "He still has that place?"

            "And how do you have attentive and caring sex on top of a dryer?" Tricia piped up who had remained quiet for the most part throughout Alyssa's admission.

            Again Alyssa laughed a little, feeling more at ease already. The two women weren't out to judge her. It was beginning to feel like old times again with the three of them swamping outrageous sex stories. "Yea, he still has the condo. He hung on to it as sort of a hideout whenever he needed to get away. That's where he was staying while he and Shayla were separated. And to answer Tricia's question, no we didn't have attentive, caring, sex on top of the dryer. That time was pretty much just crazy and passionate and really, really, hot."

            Teri's eyes widened. "How many times did you do it?"

            "Only twice. Each time was completely opposite too, but both equally amazing in their own way. Like I said the dryer sex was really wild and totally heat of the moment. Then afterwards the second time was slower and more restrained, but like I said he was very attentive which was something that I wasn't used to."

            "Especially because Sean was all like wham, bam, thank you ma'am," Tricia filled in. "It's a wonder he was even able to get you pregnant at all."

As soon as the words left her mouth she froze for a moment and Alyssa noticed her exchange a glance with Teri. Alyssa shifted her weight uncomfortably as her hands involuntarily floated up to her stomach.

‘H...how long ago was this?" Teri hesitantly asked.

Knowing that there was no use in lying now Alyssa looked away as she answered. "June..."

She could practically hear them counting off the months in their heads and knew they were done once she heard them both gasp. "This baby? It's not Sean's, is it?" Tricia delicately questioned.

Alyssa could only shake her head in response before the tears returned. Sensing how emotional this was getting for her, both women stepped forward to embrace her as Alyssa let herself cry. She felt their hands stroke her back trying to calm her down. Finally managing to control herself Alyssa pulled back, wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm a basket case lately. All I ever do is cry anymore."

"With good reason. Most pregnant women cry at the drop of a hat anyway, but with everything you've got going on, I think it would be weirder if you weren't so emotional," Teri sympathized.

"So, who knows about this? Does Sean? What about Nick? How did you find out?" Tricia asked her all in one breath.

"Sean and I went to a fertility clinic to find out why we weren't conceiving after we'd been trying so long," she started to explain. "We had some tests done, but before we could get the results back, Sean was deployed to Iraq. Shortly after I find out I was pregnant and when I told Sean he was overjoyed. We just thought it was like some weird twist of fate or something. Anyway a few days after I found out I was pregnant, the clinic called me. Turns out that the reason I was having so much problems getting pregnant was because Sean is sterile."

"Ouch. What a way to find out," Teri commented.

"Yea... So that kind of explains my distantness from all of you I guess. I had so much on my mind that I just needed some time by myself to process it all."

Tricia looked at her sadly. "So, what are you going to do now?"

Alyssa shrugged her shoulders. "I told Nick and it didn't go so well. Well, the actual telling him part wasn't all that bad. He took that part pretty well, maybe a little too well. I think he was expecting me to divorce Sean because he felt obligated to take care of me, but that's just it. He feels obligated. He doesn't really want this. The man has been pretty vocal about how he doesn't want kids. Meanwhile Sean is willing to give anything to be a father."

"So, can't you just tell Sean the truth?" Teri suggested. "I mean just because he's not the biological father doesn't mean that he can't raise the child like he's the father. If fatherhood is that important to him he'll learn to adapt to the situation."

            Alyssa shook her head. "Not Sean. First off he'd be devastated if he found out that I cheated on him. But to find out that I cheated on him with Nick? He's made it quite clear that he's not a fan of his. In fact, I've actually sworn to him that there was nothing still there between the two of us. So, he wouldn't take it very lightly at all. Then there's the fact that he's so set upon us having a baby. Our own baby. It would kill him to know that this was a child I created with another man. Anyway, it's too late now."

            "What do you mean it's too late?" Tricia asked.

            She sighed. "I already told Nick that I wanted to raise the baby as Sean's and let Sean believe he was the father. I'll figure the rest out when the time comes. I know it's horrible of me right? I think I really hurt Nick's feelings. In a strange way I think he almost wanted the baby, but then why did he make such a big show telling Shayla he didn't want kids? I really fucked up our friendship big time and now he doesn't even want to talk to me."

            Both women looked shocked before they remembered they were supposed to be non-judgmental and support whatever decision Alyssa made regardless of whether or not they agreed with it or not. "I don't think you totally fucked it up, Lyss. All you have to do is talk to him," Teri assured her. "Tell him you changed your mind."

            "But I haven't changed my mind! I still think that it would be best for everyone if Sean thought he was the father. Sean and I are married and Nick and I? Well, we might have amazing physical chemistry, but we just don't work together in a relationship. Every time we try it only gets messed up in the end."

            "You're older now though," Tricia argued. "Maybe things are different."

            "I thought that when we tried getting back together four years ago and guess what? They weren't. Face it. Nick and I just don't work together. I'm better off with Sean. There's more security with him and he's more responsible. It's a better environment for a child," she pointed out.

            Noticing things were getting heated, Teri put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. "Well, whatever you decide to do we'll be by your side because now more than ever I think you need some faithful friends. But you're going to have to face him next week at the wedding Alyssa. He's one of Howie's groomsmen. I know I'm a very laidback bride, but I don't want any unnecessary drama at my wedding."

            "Don't worry. We're not going to ruin your wedding day," Alyssa assured her. "We'll deal with it. In the meantime thank you so much for listening to me girls. I already feel a little less stressed since I've confided in you. It's felt like I was carrying around this huge weight on my shoulders."

            "Don't sweat it. Stress isn't good for the baby and despite all the baby daddy drama you got going on, you have to remember that your main goal in all of this is to deliver a healthy baby boy or girl. If you ever need to talk, you can always call on Tricia and I. Just not on my honeymoon. I'm going to be a little busy ‘getting busy' if you know what I mean." Teri wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

            Alyssa laughed before giving the two women one last hug. "Thank you so much for everything. Now let's go back out there and celebrate. The other girls are going to start getting worried about us pretty soon."

            Teri and Tricia agreed and the three linked arms as they exited the bathroom. This is why I love these girls, Alyssa thought to herself. They always seemed to know exactly what to say to make her feel better. Now if only all my friends could be this supportive and non judgmental. Sadly Alyssa realized that majority of her friends would not be as forgiving, which only reaffirmed her decision to keep the identity of her baby's real father a secret.

Chapter 28 - Going to the Chapel

            The day of Teri and Howie's wedding arrived in a blur and just from the way that Alyssa was nervously pacing the back of the church, it seemed as if she were the one getting married. In fact, even Teri appeared more calm and collected than she did at the moment as they waited for the ceremony to begin.

            "How are you not nervous?" Alyssa asked her. "Hell, I'm already married and I'm nervous for you."

            Teri just shrugged her shoulders innocently. "I'm just not. But then again..." she paused to smirk. "I'm not worried about any encounters with an old flame."

            Alyssa rolled her eyes at her friend. "Thanks a lot by the way for switching it so that Nick and I are partners. For someone who didn't want any drama at her wedding you're certainly doing everything you possibly can to make it awkward."

            "I just like to keep things interesting. You need to talk to him anyway, so this gives you a perfect opportunity. Besides I couldn't resist the urge to watch Shayla squirm having to watch you and Nick walk down the aisle together," she replied with a mischievous glimmer in her green eyes.

            Alyssa sighed as her eyes traveled up towards the front of the church. Nick was already up there talking to Howie. As soon as the bridal party had arrived at the church, Nick had made a point of distancing himself from her and headed right up to the front of the alter with Howie. If he can barely be in the same room with me, how exactly does Teri expect us to walk down the aisle with each other like everything is fine? She definitely was not looking forward to this.

            Not like it would be the first time they'd been paired up in a bridal party. Back when Kevin and Melanie had gotten married they'd been partners and ironically enough at the time they were also in two separate relationships. Nick had been married to Katie, and Alyssa had been casually dating, Dan, a friend of Tristan's. The wedding had been one of the first times they had seen each other since their bitter argument on the beach in the Bahamas after Alyssa rejected his proposal. It was scary how well the circumstances mirrored what was going on in the present.

            There had been one big difference though. That night had been one of the most emotional ones of her entire life. The guilt stemming from that one night had plagued her in a way that could only be matched by the guilt that she felt over cheating on Sean with Nick. In a way that night was even harder for her to get over. Not only had it been just another example of how her attraction to Nick had interfered with her relationship with another man, but she also couldn't shake the feeling that because of her and Nick's selfishness, an innocent person had to pay...

****************

            Alyssa nervously shifted her weight as she approached the hotel room door. What am I doing? she asked herself as she tried to muster up the courage to knock. She knew that Nick had to still be awake because she could still make out a flood of light from the crack underneath the door. This was crazy!

After Kevin and Melanie's wedding had ended, she and Dan had headed back to their hotel room. Alyssa had decided to hop into the shower to wash all the styling products out of her hair. By the time she had gotten out, Dan had already fallen asleep waiting for her. She'd attempted to fall asleep beside him, but once she'd gotten into bed she became extremely restless. Her mind kept playing over the wedding that had just taken place. It had definitely been weird since this had been the first time she'd seen Nick since she'd found out about his marriage to Katie. The whole experience was made even weirder by the fact that her and Nick had been partnered up in the bridal party. They'd gotten through the awkward experience with overly polite attitudes making things seem forced at best. She knew that she didn't want things to be that way forever between the two of them. Granted, they hadn't worked out after all, and although it hurt like hell at first, they were both involved with other people. Why shouldn't they at least be able to act somewhat normal again around each other?

            Finally realizing that she wasn't going to get any rest until she did something to clear the air with Nick for her own peace of mind, she'd thrown on her robe and headed across the hall to Nick's hotel room where she now stood. She told herself she'd just go to see if he was still up, but now that the light was on she had no excuse, not to knock.

            Biting her lip, she raised her arm and softly rapped against the door. She could hear Nick's muffled reply from the inside of the room, and a few moments later he appeared at the door, his eyes wide in surprise to find her. Alyssa was almost just as shocked as the sight for him. His suit jacket had gone missing and his dress shirt was half untucked with the first couple of buttons undone. His tie still hung loosely around his neck and his blonde hair appeared to be sticking out in several different directions as if he'd been running his hand through it. As disheveled as he appeared, there was something that she found very sexy about the look.

            "Alyssa?" he asked in a surprised voice. "What are you doing here?"

            "I just wanted to stop by to talk," she shyly responded, her jaw trembling slightly. "Can I come in?"

            "Uhh, sure..." Nick stepped back from the doorway allowing her to gain entrance to the room. Across the room she saw Nick's laptop set up on a table indicating that he was probably just surfing the internet when she had knocked.

            "Where's Katie?" she asked as she entered the room. She'd vaguely noticed her leave the reception early. She thought that she'd seen Nick kiss her goodbye and put her into a black town car, but she couldn't really be certain of the exact details.

            "She's heading back to Tampa tonight," he explained. "Her best friend from Sweden is flying in tomorrow morning, so she wanted to be there to welcome her. She insisted that I stay and enjoy the wedding though and fly back tomorrow with everyone else."

            "Oh I see."

            "Yea."

            The conversation went flat right there and Alyssa figured that it would probably be best just to cut right to the chase and get down to the reason she dropped by the first place. "Look Nick... I really wanted to stop by because I know things were pretty weird and stuff between us tonight and I don't want it to be like that. I think enough time has passed for us to accept that things didn't work out between us. I mean now you and Katie are married and expecting a child together pretty soon and I've been seeing Dan... I just want us to be able to be friends. You've obviously had a huge impact on my life and we've shared some great memories. I don't regret any of it. I guess it just wasn't meant to be with us. So, yea... Friends?"

            Nick stood there appearing a little taken back by her speech. "Of course we can be friends Lyss. I think it's only inevitable that we're going to bump into each other from time to time. We're just in two totally different places in life right now. I mean not to downplay anything going on in your life, but I'm about to come a father. It just wouldn't have worked with us. It wouldn't have been fair to you to have to take responsibility for my mistake, especially when you're still so young."

            Alyssa rolled her eyes a little bit. "Not like you're that much older. There's only like what? Six months between us?"

            "Still... It's one thing for me to take responsibility because I got myself into this mess. You shouldn't have to pay for my stupid decisions is all I'm saying," he clarified.

            "Well, as long as you're happy with Katie." Alyssa narrowed her eyes at him in a serious glance. "You are happy with her, right?"

            "As happy as I can be I guess." Was it just her or did he not sound completely convincing? "And you're happy with Dan, right?"

            "He's a nice guy. Very sweet," was all that she could think of to reply.

            "Then I guess we're cool then. As least as cool as we can be."

            "Yea... I'm glad we got a chance to have this talk. I know it sounds stupid, but I felt like I couldn't fall asleep tonight until I got this cleared up with you. Lame, right?"

            Nick shook his head in disagreement. "Not at all. I'm glad we had this talk too. It had to happen sooner or later, so better sooner than later."

            "Yea... Well, now that I got that off my chest I guess I'll let you go to bed or whatever." She stood there a little uncomfortably for a moment or two before deciding to give him an awkward hug. "I'll see you tomorrow morning."

            "Yea... See you." Again, Alyssa wasn't sure if it was her imagination or not, but his hands seemed to linger at her waist as he reluctantly broke the embrace and he seemed to pull her in just a little tighter than necessary.

            Alyssa shrugged out of his grasp and turned towards the door. "Goodnight Nick," she called over her shoulder.

            She almost made it to the door when she felt his hand clamp down on her arm. "Alyssa, wait," he begged. She whirled around and the minute she did she knew she'd just made a huge mistake. His blue eyes appeared stormy and intense as she felt them take in her appearance. The short purple kimono robe she was wearing wasn't very heavy and she knew that her skin still smelled fresh from her shower. All of a sudden she felt very self conscious. "Don't go just yet," he continued his voice low and husky.

            At that moment Alyssa knew that the right thing to do would be to drop his hand and just run, but she was frozen. She continued to stay rooted to her spot on the floor as he stepped closer to her and stroked her hair with the palm of his hand. His hands lingered down to her chin and she willingly let him tilt her head upwards to meet his awaiting lips.

            As soon as their mouths connected, Alyssa instantly could feel a major difference between Nick's kiss and the way that Dan usually kissed her. Sometimes kissing Dan could almost feel like kissing a brother. There just wasn't really much of a spark there. But Nick was an entirely different story. From the moment his lips touched hers, Alyssa felt a chill over her body. Her mind went blank and her body took over, her hands instinctively snaking up to the back of his neck as the kiss deepened.        

            Her fingernails dragged lightly against the base of his neck while she felt her back being pressed against the wall behind her. Their kisses were becoming increasingly more intense by the moment and Alyssa knew that there was absolutely no turning back now, especially after Nick's hands found their way to the belt of her robe, his fingers eagerly playing with the knot that kept it closed. She made no attempt to stop him and within moments he'd gotten it open and was pushing the silky material off of her shoulders, revealing the black camisole tank top with pink trim and matching boy shorts that she'd had on underneath. This must look like to him like it was so planned, but it really wasn't, she thought to herself with a smirk.

            His lips wandered down to her neck and it wasn't long before she became completely oblivious to the fact that her current boyfriend was asleep across the hall while she was in the midst of a very heavy make out session with her ex. She was past the point of thinking. Her body was simply on autopilot. They continued to kiss each other hungrily, their hands freely roaming each others bodies. The thin material of her clothing did little to shield her from the heat of his touch and she moaned against his lips when she felt his thumb brush across her breast.

            Secretly she had to admit that since she and Nick had parted ways after their trip to the Bahamas, she'd had this fantasy about them hooking up again, and now that it was actually happening Alyssa couldn't help but to think that this was all too good to be true. Wanting to take advantage of the opportunity while it lasted, Alyssa grew bolder and broke away from his lips for a moment, an enticing smirk on her lips. She wedged herself away from the wall and playfully tugged on the bottom of his tie, pulling him slightly towards the direction of the bed...

********

            The shrill sound of the telephone ringing woke Alyssa up from a deep sleep. She opened her eyes, confused for a second or two about her surroundings and then she remembered showing up at Nick's hotel room door earlier that night. She felt a surge of panic go through her as she saw the time on the digital alarm clock on the dresser. She definitely hadn't gone into Nick's room with the intention of them actually sleeping together, nor did she go in with the intention of spending the night. She must've dozed off after they'd had sex. Although it made her very satisfied to know that she'd in her own way gotten her revenge on Katie by sleeping with Nick, (karma was definitely a bitch the way it came back around) she also felt guilty for cheating on Dan. It wasn't very long into their relationship that Alyssa had come to the conclusion that she didn't exactly have very deep feelings for Dan. He was just a nice guy who seemed to worship the ground she walked on and she'd definitely taken advantage of that fact. Truth of the matter was that she had been a total bitch for stringing him along like she had. She hadn't been ready for another relationship, she just was searching for a replacement for Nick and she'd pretty much just confirmed that nobody could replace Nick in her heart.

            She heard Nick grumbling besides her, still half asleep himself. "Who is calling the room so late?" He reached over to grab the phone sitting on the nightstand. "Hello?"

            While Nick was on the phone, Alyssa took the opportunity to gather up her clothes and start getting dressed again. With a little luck she could get back into her hotel room and in bed with Dan without him even knowing she was ever gone. As she slipped her clothes back on though she could clearly hear Nick's side of the conversation. She frowned. She was unsure of who it was on the other end, but she could tell just by the look on Nick's face and the panic in his voice that it was serious.

            "Ok... Yes... Where is she...? I'll be right there." He hung up the phone with a dazed expression on his face.

            "What's wrong?" she asked sounding concerned. "Who was that on the phone?"

            Nick looked up at her his brows knitted in worry and a mixture of some other emotion. Guilt maybe? "There was an accident... Katie..." His voice broke off not even being able to finish the sentence. "I need to get down to the hospital right away."

            Even though he hadn't said it, Alyssa could tell just by the expression on his face that this was serious. And now she felt even guiltier about what her and Nick had just done. "Wait. I'll go with you," she offered.

****************

            "Earth to Alyssa! We're going to start in like another five minutes. Are you okay?" Teri asked in a concerned voice. "You kind of just zoned out on me there."

            "Sorry about that," she apologized. "I was just got caught up in an old memory, I guess."

            "An old memory about Nick?" she pressed.

            "Yea... I was just thinking about Kevin's wedding. It's just weird how history repeats itself," Alyssa explained.

            "What do you mean?"

            Alyssa shrugged. "We were partnered up in the bridal party and it was when he was married to Katie. We hooked up." She laughed. "What a good little Catholic girl huh? I'm probably going to hell now."

            Teri laughed. "If you're going to hell then I'll probably already be there. It'll be a party. Besides, I'm only Catholic in name and the only reason I'm getting married in a church because Howie's parents would be devastated if we didn't. Anyway you little minx you've been holding out on me! Where did you hook up with Nick at Kevin's wedding? In a confessional? That's totally hot."

            Alyssa just gave Teri a bewildered look. "What are you talking about?"

            "You said you hooked up with Nick at Kevin's wedding. Where did you guys do it?  It had to be pretty scandalous if you're talking about going to hell for it. I want the details!"

            Alyssa just burst out laughing. "Teri! We didn't do it at the church! Come on... This is me we're talking about. Talk about going to hell... I just meant that I'm going to hell for thinking about sex in church and now after this conversation I think I need to make confession although now I'll never be able to look at a confessional the same way again. We hooked up after the wedding. At the hotel. It's a long story. I won't bore you with the details. It was like eight or nine years ago."

            "Oops..." Teri placed a hand over her mouth. "Wow that was embarrassing, but definitely makes to an interesting start to my wedding."

            Before anyone could say anything further, Alyssa saw Nick finally heading towards the back of the church. They would have to probably start lining up any minute now. "Well, I guess this is it," she told her friend, giving her a quick hug. "Good luck and don't trip on your way down the aisle."

            "Good luck to you too," Teri whispered as she stole a glance at Nick. "You may be needing it." She smirked not being able to resist one last jab. "The confessional is always avalible if you need to ‘talk.'"

            "It's a good thing that we're in church, so I can't say what I really want to say to you right now," she joked. Taking a deep breath she smoothed her hands over her stomach and made her way bravely towards Nick. It was now or never and she figured it was up to her to break the ice.

            "Hi," she greeted him with a small smile as she got into her place in line next to Nick. "Feels kind of like déjà vu, huh?"

            Nick looked over at her and for a moment or two Alyssa was afraid that he'd just ignore her, but after a moments hesitation he decided to save face and be polite. "Yea... It does. So, you ready to do this again?"

            "Yea I think so," she told him still smiling. In that moment she knew that things could probably only get better between them.

Chapter 29 - You May Now Kiss the Bridesmaid

            The ceremony went off without a hitch and before Alyssa realized it, the actual wedding part was over and the bridal party was posing for pictures outside of the church. Teri had really looked gorgeous and it had been a beautiful ceremony. And surprisingly she and Nick had made it down the aisle as politely and professionally as possible. Evidently they must've pulled it off well because Shayla still shot her a dirty look as they'd past her by. Alyssa had just given her a wide smile in return.

            Now it was time to head over to the reception hall. They'd all piled back into the limos where they took more pictures. And then when they'd finally arrived at the reception still more pictures. Finally just when Alyssa thought that her mouth was going to be permanently frozen into a smile position it came time for the bridal party to finally make their entrance. Again she faked enthusiasm to be walking into the reception arm in arm with her ex boyfriend (and now she could add father to her child to the list) while a DJ announced them. But she was doing it for Teri and Howie, so she made the best of it for them.

            There was one wedding ritual she'd forgotten about though, the bride and groom's first dance. The wedding party would be expected to stand around for the first minute or so watching the happy couple dance to their slow song of choice for the first time as husband and wife. Then they'd be invited to join in, meaning Alyssa would have to slow dance with Nick until at least the DJ invited everyone onto the floor and Shayla had a chance to break them up. Any close contact with Nick was weird right now, but there was no getting out of it. You only have to dance with him for like a minute, she told herself. Surely you can stand that much. Besides you danced with him at his own wedding. This can't be any worse.

            She stood there watching from her spot on the dance floor as the DJ announced the new Mr. and Mrs. Dorough. She smiled, genuinely happy for her two friends. Then of course the beginning notes of "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain began to play. All eyes were on Teri and Howie as they took center stage of the dance floor and began to sway back and forth in each others arms to the music. Then came the awkward moment that she was dreading.

            "Our new couple now would like to invite the rest of the bridal party to join them in their first dance as husband and wife," the DJ announced. "Grab your partner and go out and join them."

            Nick grabbed her hands first. "Shall we?"

            Alyssa shrugged. "Guess we don't really have much choice." She followed him out to the center of the dance floor and tensely raised her arms up to his shoulders. She tried to find a comfortable position for her body, but with her growing stomach in between them it made it hard to get too close.

            "Sorry," she apologized, glancing down at her growing baby bump. "This is really awkward."

            Nick gave her a weak smile. "It's okay. You're pregnant. It's understandable."

            The two unsteadily rocked back and forth silently for a moment or two before Nick interrupted again. "I can't believe how big you've gotten since the last time I saw you." His cheeks immediately flushed as soon as he heard the way it had came out. "Not that I'm trying to say that you got fat or anything. I mean duh, you're pregnant. You're supposed to get bigger, right? I was just trying to say that it's just weird seeing you because you weren't really showing a few weeks ago and now you are." You're a fucking idiot Carter, he told himself realizing that he probably wasn't making himself sound any better.

            Luckily Alyssa didn't seem to be offended. She just lightly laughed. "It's okay Nick. I have been putting on weight lately and ev