I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t watch this. But I couldn’t force myself to look away, either. Why was I just standing there? Why wasn’t I saying something – anything – to stop what was about to happen? I knew why. I didn’t want to hurt Janie. She had done nothing wrong. She had simply fallen in love. How could I hate her for falling in love?

We’d been best friends for as long as I could remember. She had always been by my side, helping me through everything. She knew all my secrets and was the only one outside my family who knew about my shameful past. I couldn’t destroy her chance at happiness – her chance to have the family she had always wanted. She deserved that chance – that family. She deserved to be happy and in love. And I knew that.

I just couldn’t help but feel jealous. Janie was beautiful. She always had been. She was model thin with gorgeous eyes and long, blonde hair. She was what every man dreamed of. And she knew it, too. She wasn’t like those other girls, though. She didn’t flaunt it or brag about it. She had always been fairly shy. She knew she looked good, but she always knew that she wasn’t perfect. But that just made her even more irresistible to guys. She was beautiful both inside and out. And that’s how she had won his heart. She hadn’t meant to hurt me. She didn’t even know how I felt. So I couldn’t hold it against her.

I felt my eyes drifting to the man I had tried to avoid looking at all night. I knew I couldn’t avoid his gaze forever, but I was determined to try. I had felt his eyes on me as I had walked down the aisle. Until he saw her. I watched him watch her, and I wished, just for a second, that he would look at me that way. I wished that, even for one night, he would smile at me the way he smiled at her, so full of love and hope. I wished that, for one night, he would gaze at me with passion and fire in his eyes. But that would never happen. He was marrying my best friend, and I would have to learn to live with that.

My eyes finally reached his face, and I was surprised to see him staring back at me, a small smile on his lips. No one else seemed to notice that his gaze was not resting on his bride-to-be. No one else noticed the war of emotion raging within his eyes. And no one else noticed the tear slip down my face. No one but him, that is. I could tell he wanted to talk to me – that he needed to talk to me. I had been avoiding him all week, since that fateful night when I had admitted my feelings to him. I hadn’t even given him a chance to respond because I knew what he was going to say. “I can’t do this right now. I’m getting married to your BEST FRIEND in a week!” That’s what he would have said. That was his solution to everything. He would put it off until he could sort his thoughts out. Then he would try to set things right – but only once HE was ready.

I saw him close his eyes, briefly, before he returned his gaze back to his future wife. He had made his choice. I didn’t expect him to choose me over her. No one ever did. This wasn’t the first time that the man I liked had fallen for my best friend. In fact, it happened more often than not. But this time, it was different. I had never been in love with any of those previous men. And Janie hadn’t married any of those other men, either.

I had to stop thinking about this, or I was going to drive myself insane. I just had to stand here and look pretty for another 5 minutes, and then I could relax. I knew that I would have to attend the reception, but at least they would be busy mingling, so I wouldn’t have to talk to him until after they returned from their honeymoon.

Who was I kidding? I knew he wouldn’t leave with things the way they were. He would find some way to corner me and force me to talk. In fact, knowing him, I knew exactly what he would do. He would ask me to dance in front of everyone, including Janie, making some kind of show out of dancing with his wife’s best friend, knowing that I wouldn’t – couldn’t – refuse him in front of a crowd. He couldn’t just let things go. He was the type of guy who hated seeing someone in pain or suffering. He hated having unresolved issues. That’s one of the things I loved most about him. That, and his voice. All he had to do was say my name, and I was a goner. His voice had some unknown power over me, and I could never find the power to resist. Especially when he sang. He had the voice of an angel.

Finally, the ceremony was over. I didn’t know how much more I could take before I cracked. And I really didn’t want to break down in front of the entire congregation that had gathered for this event. Now wouldn’t THAT just be a disaster. Especially with the press that was standing near the back, snapping picture after picture of the happy couple. I smiled brightly for the cameras, trying my hardest to look genuinely happy. Don’t get me wrong; I was happy for Janie. She had been dreaming about this day for her entire life. It’s just kind of hard to be happy for someone else when inside, your whole world is falling apart. I could feel my heart breaking with every step they took down the aisle together as husband and wife. I felt my world crashing in around me, but now was not the time to freak.

I still had to get to the reception in one piece. It had been Janie’s bright idea to have the entire wedding party ride to the reception together, with the newlyweds, in their limo. That meant I would be stuck watching them together for another hour and a half. And that meant I had to pretend like nothing was wrong in front of some of my closest friends, acting like my heart wasn’t shattering into a million pieces with every look, every touch, the couple shared. I had to continue being the supportive best friend, who couldn’t be happier for her friend, who was actually more like a sister.

Lucky me.

We all loaded into the limo, waving to the crowd as we departed. I felt his eyes on me, trying to read me like he had done so many times before. I couldn’t look at him. If I looked at him, I knew I would cry. And if I cried, I knew there would be questions. Questions I couldn’t answer. Questions I didn’t WANT to answer.

“I can’t believe I’m married,” Janie squealed, breaking me from my thoughts. I looked at my hands which were resting in my lap, smiling sadly to myself. “Callie! Can you believe it finally happened?” she asked me, putting the spotlight on me.

I knew I couldn’t avoid it any longer. The moment I looked at her, I knew my eyes would be drawn to her side – or more specifically, to the man to her side. But I couldn’t just ignore her statement, either. She had said it directly to me, and I knew if I hesitated for too long, everyone would know something was wrong.

I took a deep breath before plastering on my most convincing smile and glancing to my left, responding to my best friend’s question. “I knew it would happen, eventually,” I told her. “You just had to find your ‘Mr. Right,’” I told her, faking a small laugh.

“Now we just have to find YOUR ‘Mr. Right,’” she said, throwing me completely off guard. I had not expected that at all. I thought that she would be so focused on her husband – on the events of the day – that she would forget about my love life – or lack thereof – for awhile. I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part, though. I should have known better. I should have known HER better. She was always so concerned about my life – my happiness. It was no wonder she was worried about me on her wedding day.

“Let’s just focus on you today. We can worry about my non-existent love life another day,” I suggested, avoiding the heated gaze I was getting from the opposite side of my best friend. His eyes burned a hole in the side of my head, and I could feel how much he wanted me to look at him, just once.

But I couldn’t do that. Not yet. “Don’t think I’m just going to give up on you, Callie. I know that you always say that you’re fine being single. I know you don’t like me interfering with your love life. I just hate seeing you so lonely all the time. You deserve to be as happy as I am right now. You deserve the perfect guy – the one you’ve always dreamed of. You deserve to have that house with the wrap-around porch and two kids, like you’ve always dreamed of. And I won’t rest until you’re the one walking down the aisle, getting married to the man of your dreams,” she insisted.

I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I felt like the world’s biggest jerk. Here was my best friend, vowing to do everything in her power to find me the perfect man, while I sat there, pining away for her husband of less than two hours. Some great friend I was. I was sitting here, silently cursing her for having everything I wanted, and she was thinking about me and how to make me happy.

“Oh honey, don’t cry! I mean it. You deserve the best! And I won’t rest until I find him for you,” she promised, pulling me into a hug – one I had come to appreciate over the years. I had never been a very affectionate person. At least not physically. I preferred to let people know through words or various other outlets that I cared. But Janie was just the opposite. She was always showing people she cared through her touch. She was always hugging someone or touching someone’s arm while they talked to her.

“She’s right, you know. You deserve only the best,” he agreed, speaking to me for the first time in a week. And as always, his voice was as smooth as silk, as if he were serenading me instead of just talking to me.

“I don’t know about that,” I denied, still not looking at him. I knew it was rude, but I just couldn’t find the courage to face him just yet. I couldn’t find the strength to look into his eyes and not feel like I had just lost everything.

“I do,” he assured, releasing his wife’s hand and grasping onto mine with a warm smile spreading across his face.

I couldn’t avoid it anymore. At the first touch of his hand on my own, I looked up into his beautiful face, willing myself to be strong and to not show how much his touch was affecting me. I couldn’t let him see how excited his simple touch left me feeling. I couldn’t let him feel my heart as it tried to beat its way out of my chest.

“Thanks,” I smiled, holding my tears at bay at the look of sorrow and regret in his eyes. For a second, I thought maybe he regretted the fact that he had chosen Janie over me, but that thought didn’t last long, and my hope faded with it. I knew where the regret was coming from. He regretted the fact that I was hurting – that something he had done had caused me pain. He loved Janie. I could tell just by the smile he gave her when she squeezed his thigh in appreciation for his words. His regret was that I was suffering and there was nothing he could do to ease the pain. He may not have felt for me what I felt for him, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care about me. We had become extremely close over the last tour, just after I had become the Backstreet Boys’ new manager. He saw me like the little sister he never had growing up. And as my “brother,” he felt that it was his duty to protect me.

“You’re welcome,” he smiled, giving my hand a final squeeze before releasing it and returning it to his position, tightly grasping his wife’s hand.

I looked down again, trying to control my emotions. I felt myself starting to fall apart, and I knew that now was definitely not the time. I looked up at the rest of the wedding party, who had remained silent during the entire ordeal. No one was paying very much attention to us. AJ and his girlfriend, my sister Laurie, were too busy making out to notice anything going on around them. I smiled – a genuine smile – to myself, unable to believe that my sister had fallen in love. Laurie was your typical tom-boy. She wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, and she definitely wasn’t afraid to get a little dirty in the process. She was what you would consider a “bad girl.” She was the black sheep of my family, and truthfully, she couldn’t care less. Despite everything that had gone on within our family, though, we had remained close. She was my best friend, besides Janie, and I knew she would do anything for me.

Howie was on the phone, undoubtedly talking to his fiancée, Leigh. He was lost in his own little world as well. I envied their ability to get so lost in each other that they forgot the world around them. It was easy to see the love they shared. And they completed each other, too. Howie was soft-spoken and shy. Leigh was a little more outgoing. She was the only person I knew of that could make Howie pull a prank on somebody. She also wouldn’t stand for Howie being manipulated, and she wasn’t afraid to tell someone when she didn’t like them. And Howie was the only one who could calm Leigh down when she get upset. They were perfect for each other.

Kevin and his wife, Kristin, were more than happy to spend a few quiet moments alone, together. Ever since the birth of their son, Mason, they hadn’t been able to spend a single moment alone together, and it was starting to get to them. It was easy to see that they both loved parenthood – and it suited them well. Kevin had always been like a father to the rest of the Boys, so it was only natural for him to fall into “Daddy mode.” But all parents deserve a night off every once in a while to just enjoy their relationship.

I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped my lips at the sight of the youngest Backstreet Boy tickling mine and Janie’s other best friend, Nicole. She was trying her hardest to defend her vulnerable sides from the ever-mischievous fingers of her attacker, but she wasn’t having very much luck. They were both smiling, and I began to feel the pangs of jealousy again as I watched one of my best friends in love. I knew it was only a matter of time before Nicole and Nick admitted their feelings for each other. Everyone knew they were in love; we were just waiting for it to finally dawn on the two of them. It’s not like things would change much when it finally happened. They already spent every waking hour together, whether playing video games, shooting hoops, or just watching a movie. And Nick even had a set of clothes over at Nicole’s apartment for those nights he slept over – and vice versa. Like I said, it was only a matter of time.

I sighed in misery, turning my head and leaning it against the cold window, trying to find a way to block out my own painful memories. I let out a sigh of relief when we pulled up to the building housing the reception. I couldn’t wait to just get away from the happy couple. I was tempted to try to drown my sorrows away with alcohol, but I knew I wouldn’t. I wasn’t big on alcohol. I never had been.

As soon as the limo came to a complete stop, I was out of my seat and out the door, not daring to look back. I knew that the bride and groom would be close behind, and I didn’t want to take the chance in getting stopped. Everyone’s attention was focused on the limo as Janie made her way out, followed by her husband. I watched as cheers of congratulations erupted all around me, and I knew that it was only a matter of time before I broke down. While everyone was distracted with the happy couple, I used the opportunity to slip out the back entrance, away from the crowd and my demons. At least for a little while. No one noticed my quick escape. No one but him.

“I knew I’d find you out here,” I heard him chuckle. I listened to his footsteps as they got closer and closer to my perch on the picnic table I had found outside. I had been trying to avoid the party at all costs. I knew that as soon as I went in there, I would have to put on a happy face, despite the fact that I felt like I was dying inside.

And now, the reason for my misery was sitting beside me, staring out into the vast nothingness, trying to find the words to ease my pain. “Let me save you the trouble, Brian. I’m sorry I ever said anything. I was being stupid and impulsive. It won’t happen again, and no one will ever have to know. Now, let’s just forget this whole thing ever happened and get back in there before Janie sends a search party out to find you,” I announced, trying to avoid hearing the things I knew he was going to say.

“Callie,” he said using the tone that he had created for those times when I was being difficult. And that was pretty often, so I heard that tone a lot.

“Brian, please,” I begged, not sure if I could handle what he had to say.

“You know I care about you, right? You’re practically my little sister, and it kills me knowing you’re hurting. I wish there was something I could do. I never meant for any of this to happen. Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt?” he spoke anyway, ignoring my plea.

“What good would it have done, Brian? You were already with Janie. It just would have caused more confusion and chaos,” I sighed, trying not to dwell on the fact that he had just called me to his sister. It hurt knowing he thought of me in that way. It meant that he saw me as cute, as someone who needed protecting. He didn’t see me as a woman. No, he saw me as a little girl. He saw me as a child who needed guidance and advice.

“Cal,” he said again, the tone returning.

“Brian, please don’t use that tone on me. I know what I’m talking about. All it would have done was cause unnecessary tension. I know you love Janie. I’ve known it for a long time. I promise, I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry about me so much. I’m a strong woman,” I explained, trying to convince myself of my words just as much as I was trying to convince Brian.

Neither one of us was convinced. I could see the doubt in his eyes, and I could hear it in my heart and my head. But we also didn’t have time to dwell on it because Janie chose that moment to come out in search of her husband.

“There you both are! They’re about to start the toasts. We need you both in there,” she informed us, smiling at our simultaneous groans of dissatisfaction. “I swear, you two are so much alike. You’re the only two people I know who can finish each other’s sentences or say the exact same thing at the same time, even when you’re not in the same room.”

“We’re talented that way,” Brian and I said at the same time, laughing at our own corniness. That was one of the things that had first drawn me to Brian. He was just as corny as I was, and he felt no shame whatsoever for being that way. We both loved to make people laugh, even if it meant making fools of ourselves.

“Come on you two. We have a wedding reception to attend,” Janie laughed, scolding us as if we were her children, not her husband and best friend.

“Yes mommy,” Brian and I said, once again overlapping our words.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smart asses,” she laughed, pushing us through the door and into the crowded reception hall. I saw Brian shoot me a look, telling me our talk was far from over, as we all made our way to the head table. Since I was the Maid of Honor, I had to sit at the bride and groom’s table, with everyone’s eyes glued to my every move. I took in a deep, calming breath, getting ready to put on the performance of my life.

As soon as we were all seated, Alex stood up and started tapping his glass with his knife, trying to get everyone’s attention.

“So, I just found out less than an hour ago that as one of my ‘Best Man Duties,’ I am supposed to give the first speech of the night. Thanks for telling me sooner, B-Rok,” Alex said, mock-glaring at Brian.

“No problem, Bone,” he laughed, smiling that cheeky smile that seemed to be a permanent feature on his face nowadays.

“Yeah, well, we all know I couldn’t turn down the chance to be the center of attention for a little while – even on your wedding day. So here I go. I’ve known Brian for 12 years now. Twelve very LONG years, at that. I’ve traveled around the world with him at least a dozen times. I’ve shared the stage with him about a million times. And I’ve seen relationship after relationship leave him broken-hearted, broken-spirited, and with a broken ego. That’s why I couldn’t be prouder of him today. He’s finally found a woman who can put up with his shit, and, by some miracle on God’s green earth, loves him. I’m just glad he had enough sense to marry her before she left his sorry ass,” Alex laughed.

“Gee, thanks, Bone. Really,” Brian sarcastically interjected.

“To tell you the truth, Janie, I don’t know whether to commend you or to commit you.” The entire room was laughing by now, shaking their head at the craziness known as Alex McLean. “In all seriousness, though, I wish you both the best of luck. May you always find solace in the fact that you’ve found the kind of love that the rest of us can only dream of finding. I love you guys. Congratulations,” he finished, drinking his water while most everyone else raised their wine in congratulations.

The room was abuzz with discussion of Alex’s speech, but it didn’t last long. Soon, every eye in the room was turned in my direction, giving me my cue to stand up. I smiled as I looked out into the crowd.

“I don’t have any idea how I am supposed to follow a speech like that, but I guess I really have no choice in the matter,” I joked, shooting Alex a death glare to which he just smugly grinned and shrugged. “Well, I’ve known Janie since the two of us were in diapers. I remember when we were about 5 or 6, we went to her uncle’s wedding, and we made a promise to each other that night that when each of us got married, we’d be each other’s Maid of Honor. I never imagined that 23 years later, that promise would still hold true. Janie’s one of a kind. She’s the kind of friend you want when you’re at your lowest point because she won’t abandon you no matter what. She’s the kind of person that will support you, even when she thinks you are making the biggest mistake of your life. And she’s the kind of sister that worries about her best friend’s lack of a love life less than 30 minutes after she got married. She’s one of those people that deserves the very best that life has to offer, and I’ve never seen her happier than she is with Brian. I know that life has great things in store for the both of you, and I wish you the best of luck. May you have a long and happy marriage, setting an example for the rest of us about what the perfect couple should be like.” When I was done, there were tears pouring down my eyes. If I thought that the pain of watching them get married was bad, it was a mere prick compared to what I was feeling right now. Everyone else just thought I was crying out of happiness. Well, almost everyone. Brian knew better. He knew the real cause of my tears – of my pain.

I turned to Janie, smiling at my best friend who also had tears running down her cheeks. “That was beautiful, Callie,” she gushed, pulling me in for a hug. I couldn’t say anything, so I just nodded. “I had completely forgotten about my uncle’s wedding until you mentioned it. Can you believe it’s been 29 years since we first met?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s crazy,” I agreed. I looked at Brian, who was watching us intently, before turning my attention back to Janie. “I think I’m going to go to the bathroom and wash my face. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Alright. Thank you so much for being here, Callie. I don’t think I could have asked for a better best friend,” she insisted, releasing me from her hug. I felt the dagger in my heart twist even more at her words. I couldn’t stop the tears as they coursed down my face, and I rushed to the bathroom, trying to find some kind of peace.

I sat there, in the single stall bathroom, huddled in the corner, crying, for a good 10 minutes. I didn’t know how I was supposed to handle this. I didn’t know how to make the pain go away. I just wanted this night to be over and for Brian and Janie to be in Italy on their honeymoon. At least that way, I wouldn’t have to see them for another two weeks. Sure, I would be plagued with thoughts of what they were DOING on their honeymoon, but I wouldn’t have to face them. And I didn’t know if I could go back out there and face them again tonight. In fact, I was almost certain of it. My whole body was telling me to run. I couldn’t last another 5 hours watching everyone celebrate the beginning of their lives together.

I looked around me, at the barren room, trying to come up with a plan of escape when there was a knock on the door. “Callie, are you in there?” my sister called out.

“Yeah. I’ll be out in a second, Laurie,” I responded back, trying to mask the pain in my voice, but failing miserably.

The next voice I heard was not Laurie’s. “Callie,” he called, his voice drifting through the air like a melody. I walked over to the door, pulling it open just a crack so that I could see his face as he talked. I couldn’t say anything. I just stood there, staring at his face while he struggled to find the words to say to mend the situation. “Can I come in?” he asked, gesturing to the door I was using as a shield to separate myself from him. I sighed before opening it a little wider to let him in.

I looked at Laurie, who was studying the two of us with a keen eye. “I’ll be right out here if you need me, okay Callie?” she offered, letting me know that she was there for me if I needed to talk. But how could I tell her about this. She would think the worst of me. I nodded, closing the door as she returned to the party.

“Callie,” Brian called, trying to get my attention. But I couldn’t look at him. If I looked at him, I would lose all control, and I didn’t want to break down in front of him, even if it was pretty obvious that I had been crying for the last 10 minutes. “Callie,” he tried again, moving closer to me. I stepped back, not able to handle his nearness. “Callie, please look at me,” he begged, moving closer with every step back I took. I felt my back run into the wall, and I knew I had nowhere else to run.

“Brian, please don’t do this,” I cried, willing myself to be strong.

I felt him step even closer, until he was standing right in front of me, his chest brushing my own with every breath. I felt his hand caress my cheek, before gently grasping my chin and forcing me to look at his face. I fought him every step of the way, not wanting to be in this situation with him. I didn’t want to hear what he was going to say. What I knew he had to say. I avoided his eyes, choosing instead to stare at his nose in an attempt to remain strong.

"Cal, please. Why won’t you let me try to make things right?” he begged, his own tears starting to fall at the pain he saw etched on my face.

“Because there’s nothing you can do, Brian,” I explained, closing my eyes as a fresh wave of tears fell down my face.

“Callie, look at me,” he requested again. When I shook my head in refusal, he did the only thing he could do. He bent down until his eyes met my own. “Oh God, I’m sorry, Cal,” he apologized when he saw the raw pain shining from my dull, mossy-green eyes. Normally, they were a vibrant emerald green, but not today. Not for the last week. He pulled me into his arms, as I cried, letting loose his own tears for the pain he knew he was causing me. “I’m so sorry, Cal. I’m so sorry,” he kept repeating, over and over in my ear, barely loud enough for me to hear.

We just stood there, in the middle of the woman’s restroom at his wedding reception, crying. I knew that he wanted to make things right. In fact, he was desperate to make amends. He was too sweet a guy to just stand back and watch me suffer. But what hurt the most was that there was nothing he could do – that anyone could do – to make THIS pain go away. It was something I had to do by myself, and I think that’s what hurt the most. Nothing he could do or say would make things right. I was on my own. He was so used to being the one to help me solve my problems that he didn’t know how to react when he COULDN’T help.

Finally, we stopped crying. I looked into his beautiful, pain-filled eyes, and gave him a bittersweet smile. “There’s nothing you can do to ease my pain this time, Brian. I know you feel responsible, but you shouldn’t. It’s not your fault I feel this way. This is one problem I have to solve on my own. I just need some time. Away from you,” I told him, knowing I had to get this out if I was ever going to move on with my life, no matter how much it was killing me. “I think it’s best that we not see each other again until it’s time for the promotional tour. I need to get away. I need space. I can’t watch you with Janie without feeling like everything is falling apart around me. And if we are ever going to be able to save our friendship, or even our work relationship, I have to find a way to get over you. I can’t do that when you’re always around me. Please. I need you to do this one thing for me. I’ve never asked you for anything before, so please just grant this one request. If you care about me at all, you’ll stay away from me until I tell you I’m ready. Until I can handle seeing you again.”

He stood there, speechless and frozen by my statement. It took all of my willpower not to break down while I basically pushed him out of my life for the next few months. Since the first time we had met, we hadn’t gone more than a week without talking to one another. In fact, I had been the one to introduce him to Janie, and even when he started seeing her, he still made time for me in his life. And now, here I was, asking him not to contact me until I was ready – until I put forth the effort to talk to HIM. I wasn’t trying to hurt him, but I knew that is exactly what had happened. He was hurt that I was so willing to risk everything we had, but I could also see understanding in his eyes. He knew why I was doing this. He knew I had to – for my own sanity. For HIS sanity. And for his marriage. This was the only way. If we wanted a future, I HAD to do this. And he knew that. That’s why he wasn’t fighting me. Instead, he just nodded his head, a sad smile spreading across his face. We were risking a lot. We were risking everything. But it was necessary. He leaned over, kissing my cheek briefly before pulling back with a regretful sigh. He gave me one last lingering look before walking out of the room and out of my life – neither of us sure how long it would be before we would see each other again.

Once the door was shut behind him, I let the rein on my emotions loose. I cried harder than I had ever cried before. I knew I had just risked losing him forever, but I didn’t see another way. It may have hurt like a bitch, but it also left me feeling relieved. I knew Brian would respect my wishes. He felt guilty, thinking that everything was his fault. He was wrong, of course, but the guilt would make him stay away.

I finally pulled myself together, drying my eyes and trying to salvage what I could of my appearance. With one last look at myself in the mirror, I strode confidently out of the bathroom and back into the reception hall. I didn’t tell anyone I was going. I just left. Without a word. But just as I was about to make my escape, I looked up, feeling his eyes on me. I caught his gaze, giving him one last sad smile before disappearing out of his sight, praying I was doing the right thing. Only time would tell.

 

*Four months later*January 2008*

            I strode confidently down the hall of the office building, determined to prove to myself that I could handle what was about to happen. I hadn’t seen him face-to-face in four months. Four agonizingly long months. Four months that had been filled with regret and heartache. And during those four months, it seemed that the Backstreet Boys were everywhere. Most of that was my doing, however, so I had no one to blame by myself. I had been working the promotional tour from home, trying to get their name back out there and prove to the public that the Backstreet Boys were here to stay and that they hadn’t gone anywhere. And it seemed to be working, too. I hadn’t seen this many positive reviews from critics since the days of Millennium. But it also meant that everywhere I looked, I had to see his smiling face. And I had to hear him talk about Janie. Like salt being rubbed into an open wound. But it was my job, so I didn’t have a choice.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Alex asked, stopping me just outside the meeting room. Behind the heavy wooden door in front of us waited the remaining three Backstreet Boys. “Because if you’re not ready, just tell me, and I’ll make up some excuse to get you out of it.”

            I couldn’t help but smile at the concern in his voice. He and Laurie had been my saving graces during my mini-isolation phase. After a week of hiding in seclusion, they had forced their way into my house and coerced the entire story from me. And then, when all I wanted to do was wallow in self-pity, crawling into my bed and sleeping forever, they forced me to go out and face the world. They had listened to my whole, heartbreaking story, never once judging me. And, they had forced me to toughen up. Brian had made his decision. He had chosen his fate. I couldn’t let him rule mine. I couldn’t let him steal my future. And, so, I had buried my feelings for him, forcing myself to be strong. That was a month ago. It took me another month to work up the nerve to finally face him again. It took a month for me to convince myself that I was ready for this.

            However, as I stood looking at the door that held my future, I couldn’t help but question my decision. Question the timing. Could I really do this so soon after losing my heart? Could I really face the man that haunted my dreams every night without showing him how much he still affected me? Could I put on a brave face and pretend like my whole world hadn’t ended four months ago at that altar? I guess there was only one way to find out.

             “I have to be ready, Alex. There’s no more time. Jive is breathing down my neck to get back on tour with you guys. The Firm is beating down my door, threatening my job. I don’t really have any other option. I can only leave Clarissa in charge for so long before the Firm catches on. Besides, the promo tour is over and the real tour is starting soon. It’s in my contract that I have to accompany you on all major tours,” I confessed, not trying to hide my worry.

            “Screw the Firm. Fuck Jive. Hell, forget about us. Are YOU ready for this? Can you handle being back? Can you handle watching them together without wearing your heart on your sleeve? Because if you can’t, you might as well turn around right now because you’re just going to end up hurting Janie,” Alex told me, no bullshit, no sugar-coating. Straight Alex.   

            “Thanks, Alex, for caring. But I’ll be fine. I know what I have to do, and I’m prepared to do it. No matter what,” I showed my gratitude, laying it all on the line. 

            “I just don’t want to see you do something you’re not ready for. Something you can’t handle. After all, you are going to be my sister-in-law, and Laurie would freak if I didn’t at least TRY to talk you out of it,” he pointed out, chuckling quietly.

Oh yeah. Did I forget to mention that Alex proposed to my sister about a month and a half ago? And what’s even more shocking is that my sister actually said yes. They were planning on getting married as soon as the Unbreakable Tour was over. And I was going to be Laurie’s maid of honor. And guess who Alex’s best man was going to be? Yup. You guessed it. Brian. But I had plenty of time to worry about that later.

             “Don’t want to get you in trouble with the future Mrs. McLean, do I?” I laughed, knowing from experience how long my sister could hold a grudge. Not to mention, her temper could turn even the meanest biker into a groveling mess. 

            “Nope,” he laughed as well, giving me a knowing look. “Shall we make our fashionably late appearance, then, darling?” he asked, extending his arm out for me to take while he opened the door.

            “But of course,” I responded, linking arms with him and putting on the most pompous, bored look I could manage, sticking my chin higher than I thought I could reach.

            As soon as we were in the room, I felt his eyes following my every move, analyzing my body language for any sign to what I was feeling. I didn’t give in to the urge to look at him, knowing that as soon as I did, my resolve would falter. Instead, I made my way to the head of the table, opposite where he was sitting, and started organizing my paperwork for the meeting ahead. 

            It didn’t serve as much of a distraction, however, because before I knew it, I had no other choice but to take in a deep breath and confront my fears. When I looked up, I put on my mask and studied each of the guys gathered in front of me.

            To my left, Howie wore a huge smile, his eyes a deeper brown than I could ever remember seeing them before. He looked truly happy, and I knew that the credit for that lay solely with his wife, Leigh. They had been, from what I had heard, fully entranced by each other after their recent nuptials, and had enjoyed jumping from country to country for their honeymoon, visiting all their favorite vacation spots. The big day was incredibly romantic, and hearing everyone’s personal accounts of the big day made me regret missing the once-in-a-lifetime ceremony. But we were all excited that after several LONG years, Howie had finally decided to commit. In the words of Alex, “It’s about fucking time, man!”

            Next to Howie, Nick sat playing with his iPod, only half-paying attention to what was going on around the room. I honestly don’t even think he realized Alex and I were here already. I knew how much Nick hated meetings, but I also knew that this was a mandatory meeting if the Boys had any hope of finding success with this record. I actually kind of felt bad for the guy. Here he was, surrounded by guys who were all getting married or were already married, and he didn’t even have a girlfriend. Sure, he had Nicole, but they still hadn’t admitted their feeling for each other, and we were all beginning to wonder if it would ever happen like we had expected. It’s no wonder the guy was so moody all the time. He was lonely and confused. I decided to cut the guy some slack. At least for awhile.  

            Next my eyes finally landed on him. His usual smile was nowhere to be seen, and his eyes looked dull and withdrawn. He had bags under his eyes, making it obvious that he wasn’t getting nearly enough sleep. He didn’t look like the same man I had left four months ago. He didn’t even look like the same man I saw on TV. When his eyes met mine, I couldn’t help put cringe at the helplessness and despair that seemed to have overwhelmed him. This was not the Brian Littrell I had known for years. This was not the man I had fallen in love with. This was a shell of the man I once knew. And it made me wonder what had happened to bring him to this kind of misery.

            “Hi,” he greeted me softly, his voice lacking its usual energy.

            “Hey,” I responded back, my eyes unable to handle his appearance any longer. I shook my head, trying to get my thoughts back on track before addressing the whole room. “I’m sorry to call you all in on your day off, but an issue has presented itself, and Jive wanted me to take care of it right away. I know it was kind of late notice, but I’m glad to see you all made it.”  

            Who was that woman talking? It sure as hell wasn’t me. I hadn’t been that formal with the Boys since the first day I had started working with them. I had also never been so nervous or so eager to dismiss them.

            “Shut up, Cal. For a beautiful woman like yourself, you know I’ll always be there for you,” Alex joked, sending me a wink and a smile in an attempt to loosen me up and help me relax.  

            “Oh Alex, ever the flirt. What would my sister think of that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow in question at his shameless advances.

            “Hey, at least I’m keeping it in the family,” he responded, smirking in my direction.

            “All the more reason NOT to hit on your future sister-in-law,” I laughed, thankful for his presence. I don’t know how I would have gotten through this meeting without him, and I was suddenly thankful that I had someone on my side to back me up.

            “Ok, before Alex gets himself in trouble with his fiancée, why don’t we get back to the meeting?” Howie intervened, laughing at his best friend’s crazy antics. In fact, everyone in the room looked amused by Alex and my joking. Everyone but him. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I might even say he looked mad or, dare I say, jealous? 

            “Of course,” I smiled, letting the last of my laughter out before getting back on track. I quickly passed around the folders I had spent the last three days preparing so that the Boys could see exactly what their fans had been saying while I talked about Jive’s proposition – the reason for this impromptu meeting. “Well, it seems that Jive has been getting a lot of feedback from the fans about the new single, and to put it bluntly, they are NOT happy. At all. In fact, they are outraged and disappointed – and they aren’t afraid to say it. Inside these folders you’ll find some of the most passionate and brutally honest letters I could find after sifting through your fan mail for three days straight. I want you to look at some of the things these people have been saying about the single. ‘Calling the new single mediocre would be exaggerating to the umpteenth degree. This single is not worthy of the Boys’ name, and should be scrapped immediately.’ Or how about the next one. ‘After hearing that the new single was going to be Helpless When She Smiles, I must admit that I felt extremely disappointed. I couldn’t believe that the next single was going to be yet ANOTHER ballad, especially with all the amazing up-tempo songs on the new album. I thought for sure this was one rumor that wasn’t true – but to my dissatisfaction, I was proven wrong. I know that you have the Boys’ best interests at heart, but I can’t help but feel that you are going to end up destroying the band I grew up listening to if you don’t stop trying to control their every move. They have been in this business long enough to know how to market themselves and how to create the kind of music their fans have grown to love. They are legends in their own right, so let them prove to the world that they are here to stay. Yours truly, a concerned fan.’ As you can see, even after everything, your fans still support you, but they are getting fed up with the disappointment. I think it’s time we did something for them to show that you are still the same group you have always been.”

            “What did you have in mind, Cal?” Howie asked, easily transitioning into his role as the oldest, most responsible member of the group.  

“Well, I went to Jive with a proposition last week and they asked me to present the idea to you guys. We all know that Jive screwed up when they picked a ballad for the second single, but even we couldn’t have predicted the kind of backlash they’ve been seeing. The video hasn’t debuted on any countdowns yet and it has been out for over a month. It has been ridiculed and dissected piece-by-piece by critics looking for flaws. The single has only gotten adds on maybe 10 radio stations around the country – if that. Well, Jive finally realized they screwed up, even if they would never admit it outright, and they suggested launching the third single early. We could shoot the video for ‘Everything But Mine,’ in between tour rehearsals, and then we could fit in promotion while you’re on tour in Europe. The tour is spread out well enough that we could even take a couple of weeks in March to promote the new single in the States,” I explained, holding my breath while they sat there contemplating the proposition. I knew that if they didn’t agree to this, they wouldn’t stand a chance on the charts when they finally DID release the new single. This was pretty much a last-ditch effort to save their careers from the mess Jive had made. Ever since the beginning, Jive had been screwing the Boys over. Well, this time, they went a little TOO far. And now, they may have just destroyed their last chance at allowing the Boys’ to reach their highest potential and promoting their finest album to-date. All because Jive thought they knew better.  

“What are our other options?” Alex spoke up, asking the question without glancing up from the letter he was reading. “Or do we not have any?” 

“Honestly, this is it. I’m afraid that if we don’t do something soon, you might as well kiss your successful careers goodbye,” I admitted, honestly, never able to hide my true opinions from the Boys no matter how much I might have wanted to.

“So then I guess we don’t really have a choice,” Brian scoffed, also reading another one of the fan letters. “So why did Jive even bother asking us? It’s not like our opinions have ever really mattered to them.” 

“Because I showed them a few of these letters and told them flat-out that if they didn’t straighten up their act and listen to the fans, they wouldn’t have a group to fall back on. After that, it was easy. Jive is finally willing to work WITH us and not AGAINST us,” I answered.

“Well, then, I say let’s do it. We can’t really do anything else without risking our careers, right? So let’s do it,” Nick stated, speaking up for the first time during the meeting, his attention finally on the folder in front of him.  

“What about the rest of you?” I asked, glancing at each of the guys for their approval. At their nods, I continued. “Well then, I guess it’s official. I’ll call Jive as soon as I get out of here and let them know, and then I’ll let you know the schedule as soon as I hear anything. You’re free to go.”

“I’m going to look over this some more, if that’s okay with you?” Howie informed me, referring to the folder in his hand.  

            “Oh yeah. Please do. I made those for you. I have the originals at home,” I encouraged, glad to see that my hard work was paying off. When I had first taken the job all those years ago, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to live up to their previous management, making them regret their switch to The Firm. For the first time in 7 years, I felt like I had finally proved myself to them. That I had finally shown my worth. That I was finally living up to my reputation. And for the first time in months, I had a reason to smile.

“Hey, Cal, can I talk to you for a minute?” Brian asked, just as Alex and I were about to exit the room. “Please. It’ll only take a minute. It’s important,” he added when he noticed my hesitation.

“Go ahead,” Alex encouraged, giving me a slight nudge. “I’ll call Laurie and tell her we’re going to be a few minutes late.” I knew what he was doing. He was giving me an out if things got too uncomfortable. We didn’t really have plans with Laurie, but Brian didn’t know that.

 “Ok. I’ll be there in a second,” I agreed, watching Alex’s retreat with nervous eyes. I didn’t know how to react or what to feel. I hadn’t been alone with Brian since before the wedding, and everything seemed so much different now than it did before. Finally realizing I couldn’t hide from him forever, I decided to face my fear head-on. “So what did you want to talk about, Brian?” I asked, letting my false confidence cover my nervousness.

 “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. The last time I saw you, things were… awkward. I haven’t heard from you in months. I just, I missed you,” he confessed, watching my face closely for a reaction to his words. But I couldn’t show him how much he affected me. I had to be strong.

 “I missed you, too,” I told him, honestly. And I had. I missed the friendship we’d had before the whole ‘I’m-in-love-with-you’ issue ruined it. Ruined us. “But I just needed time to get some things sorted out.”

 “And have you gotten those… things sorted out?” he asked, looking into my eyes, trying to read my soul. But I didn’t flinch. I didn’t budge. Didn’t give into his pressure.

 “Yeah, I think I have,” I told him, smiling softly at him. “And I realized I’m a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for. I realized, I have more to be thankful for than I could have ever imagined. And I realized I have so much to live for in my life. I have a great job, amazing friends, and a life people envy. I don’t really have anything to complain about,” I told him, hoping my weakness didn’t show through my façade.

 “I’m glad. I never meant to hurt you, Cal. You know that right?” he asked, tearing at my heart with every confession. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep pretending it didn’t hurt to be this close to him knowing I would never be anything more to him than a friend – a sister.

 “I know, Brian. You don’t have a malicious bone in your body. You would never hurt anyone on purpose. It’s just not in your nature. And it’s not your fault. I never should have put you in that position in the first place. Especially a week before your wedding to my best friend. I’m really sorry I put that kind of pressure on you,” I apologized, amazed that I was able to say everything I was saying without breaking down.

 “You can’t help how you feel, Cal. I know that lesson better than most,” he told me, whispering the last part so that I had to strain to hear it. “I know you have to get to lunch with Laurie, so I’ll let you go. I just wanted to make sure everything was right between us. That we were okay. Because I really don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you or if you had told me that you didn’t want me in your life anymore.”

 “That will never happen, Brian. I promise,” I vowed, my eyes tearing up at the intensity and sadness behind his words.

 “I hope so. I don’t want to think about my life without you in it,” he told me, smiling softly at me. “You mean too much to me.”

 “And you mean too much to me for that thought to EVER cross my mind,” I told him, returning the smile. “But you’re right. I need to get going. Laurie is probably waiting for us by now. I’m glad we talked, Brian.”

 “Me too, Cal. Me too,” he repeated, pulling me into a lingering hug. I breathed in his scent, trying to maintain my control as he held onto me like he would never let me go. Like he was afraid to let go.

 “Hey, Cal. You ready to go?” Alex asked, walking into the room. He shot me a questioning glance as Brian and I slowly pulled out of each other’s arms, a smile on both of our faces.

 “Yeah. Let’s go,” I agreed, shooting one last glance at Brian before walking out of the conference with Alex.

 

“So what happened back there?” Alex asked as soon as we were seated at a nearby Starbucks, coffee in hand. “What was that hug all about?” 

“He just wanted to make sure things were good between us. I think he was worried I was going to quit or something. Or that, maybe, I was going to keep doing what I’ve been doing – the whole behind the scenes gig, having Clarissa run the show for me. He looked scared, Alex. Scared that he was losing me,” I admitted, watching my Strawberry Lemonade melt as beads of sweat made their way down the side of my cup.

“He probably is. You guys have always been close. For as long as I can remember, anyway. I’m sure he’s worried he’s losing his best friend,” Alex agreed, taking a long sip from his white mocha.  

“So what am I supposed to do, Alex? I can’t avoid him, and I can’t… I can’t hide how I really feel from him. I can’t pretend like being his friend is enough for me anymore. I love him, Alex. And he’s married to my best friend,” I sighed, closing my eyes in an attempt to keep the pain locked away.

“I don’t know, Cal. There isn’t really much you can do. But you and I both know that if Janie finds out about your feelings, she’ll feel betrayed and hurt. You don’t want to do that to her. She hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s not her fault she fell in love,” Alex preached, repeating the same words that have been running through my own mind for the last few months.  

“I know all that. But, I can’t just stop loving him. It’s not that easy,” I countered, feeling the tears start their familiar trek down the sides of my face, despite my attempts to suppress the inevitable.

“I know, honey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Alex soothed, kneeling in front of me and pulling me into his protective embrace. “You were amazing today. You were so strong. I couldn’t have been prouder watching you face your fears. I know how hard that must have been for you, but you didn’t let anything stand in your way.” 

“I was so scared. I thought for sure I was going to break down in the middle of my speech. I probably would have, too, if you hadn’t been there,” I smiled down at the man kneeling in front of me. It amazed me to watch how much he had stepped up and taken control over the last few months. It’s like he had grown up in front of my eyes without me even noticing – and instead of being the younger brother I’d always seen him as, he was acting more like an older brother, looking out for me and trying to protect me from all of the letdowns in life.

“You were great. You even had me convinced you were over him there for awhile,” he smiled up at me, wiping my tears.  

I sat there, watching the concern wash over his face as he desperately tried to ease the pain in my heart. He was no longer the lost little boy I first met all those years ago, trying to make up for his past mistakes. He was no longer that struggling guy, trying to fight his demons and prove his worth, not only to himself, but to his fans, critics, family, friends, and people who had no clue who he was – just that he was an addict. He was a man. “When did you get so wise, Alex? When did you grow up?” I asked, wondering where the time had gone and how I had missed it.

“When I finally fell in love for the first time in my life. Your sister is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She’s helped me become the man I’ve been trying to be for years,” he grinned, his smile lighting up his entire face.  

“She does seems to have that power, doesn’t she?” I snorted, watching the love-struck look cross over Alex’s eyes before he returned his attention to me.

“That she does. Your little sister is one of a kind. You should be proud. You helped raise an amazing woman,” Alex complimented, a dreamy look glazing over his eyes as he thought of the woman who had stolen his heart.  

“She is amazing,” I agreed, thinking of all the things my little sister had accomplished in her life and all the potential she still possessed.

“You’re one of a kind, too, Cal. You’re extraordinary. You just need to find that guy who realizes just how absolutely amazing you really are. And when you do, you’re going to realize that if Brian couldn’t see what was right in front of him, it’s his loss. And, of course, I’ll be right there telling you, ‘I told you so,’” Alex joked, wiping the last of my tears before they could fall.  

“Thanks, Alex. I don’t know what I would have done without you and Laur these last few months,” I confessed, letting my voice show him exactly how grateful I was for their support during the most difficult time of my life.

“That’s what family is for. And one day, you’re going to realize I was right all along. And when that day comes, I expect a HUGE cake with the words, ‘You were right, Alex’ written across it in big bubble letters,” he kidded, drawing the first genuine laugh from my lips since I found out about the meeting. “It’s going to work out, Cal. I promise.” 

“I know. It’ll work itself out eventually. I just have to be patient,” I reiterated.

Now, if only I could convince my heart.