Lies and Confessions
Written by Deanna, copyrighted. 2008

--

My life is a lie.

That's my first thought as I lie in bed my husband sound asleep beside me. I turn on my side to watch him to see the rise and fall of his chest as he sleeps and I sigh. How did I let it get this out of hand? I'm married but my heart belongs to another. Another who doesn't love me back, another who has hurt me emotionally and physically, another who has damaged who I once was and any chance of bringing her back. And yet...as crazy as it sounds I still love him. I don't know why I just can't seem to shake him lose. I sit up and hug my knees to my chest thinking back to when I was with him...when I was with Nick.

My thoughts took me back to when we first met, our rocky relationship, and finally to our breakup. He was so sweet when we first started out then as time wore on every little thing I did was wrong, and I've been called every name in the book by the one man who I thought loved me. I would always ask myself, what did I do wrong? I never did figure it out and the fact that I shut my friends out didn't help the matter. Krissie always said he was a no good son of a bitch and that I deserved better. She was right but I didn't want better, I just wanted Nick no matter what or what anybody else said. He has put me through hell and back but I still love him, so much it hurts. She didn't understand nobody did, when you love somebody that much you'll put up with anything to stay with them. So that's what I did, I took the abuse, the hurtful words, the cheating and look where it got me. I became depressed and withdrew myself from everybody and everything. Nick has done nothing but drag me down one hurtful word and action at a time.

There was a time long before I ever met Nick that I vowed that I would never put up with someone like that, that I would never let myself stoop that low. Where was that person now? She was gone and she wasn't coming back because of Nick the girl I once was is gone forever. I looked over at Brian once more then got out of bed heading to the nursery to check on Chris. As I walked towards the room I remembered what I almost did. I was so depressed I was gonna kill myself and my unborn child if Nick didn't take me back. That was childish I know and I'm so glad that I didn't go through with it, I love that little baby so much and I can't imagine my life without him. I walked to the crib and looked down at him sound asleep and sighed he looked like his Daddy, there was no doubt he was Brian's. I crossed my arms and lay my head against the railing watching my son sleep and smiled.

Brian sat up in bed rubbing his eyes he looked to his right and saw that his wife wasn't beside him. 'Where could she have gone' he thought. He got out of bed and was about to walk out of the room when he heard her voice over the baby monitor talking softly to their son. Their son...the one who wouldn't be here now if she had jumped off that pier. He walked down to the nursery and pushed the door open taking in the sight of his wife cradling Chris softly rocking. He crossed the room and knelt in front of her, she looked at him and smiled.

"I didn't hear you get up," Brian said as he smoothed back what little hair Chris had
"I was thinking over some things and I didn't want to wake you."
"Thinking of me I hope." Brian smiled and she smiled back "Always."

Brian leant down and kissed the top of his sons head and I just sat there watching.

'Why do I keep lying to him?' I thought. That's something I constantly found myself doing all I was doing was leading him on. I do love him but I have a feeling that Brian knows better, knows that even though I gave him my hand in marriage that my heart belongs to Nick. Always had always will be. You know how they say when your abused it's hard to get away? That's exactly how I feel just think about it...I love Nick therefore I will go through anything to be with him. Even though the hurtful things he says really hurts but I know deep down he truly loves me and one day it will be like it once was. But now is not that day now I am married to his best friend who dispises him, who I have a son with, his best friend who I don't feel things for as I do for Nick. Nobody can ever replace him he holds a special place in my heart, the place that is now a void that nobody not even Brian can fill.

There are times I wish I was honest with him on how I feel but then I stop to think what it would do to him if I told him I didn't love him. Brian has been there through all the tough times when Nick and I was together. I hate lying to him, I hate myself for wishing he was Nick whenever we were together, I hate myself for everything wrong in my life right now. I looked down at Brian still knelt before me cooing at Chris, I smiled at the sight. There was no way I was going to tell him how I really felt and break his heart in the process.

As I sit on the window seat watching the rain fall I couldn't help but think of Nick and wondering if he was thinking of me too. I rested my head against the cool glass and sighed. "God I miss you..." I looked up at the sky then I felt just like the weather outside, my life was nothing but a raging storm that I had no control over. And if I didn't do something soon I would be washed away just like the leaves laying in the gutter. I hugged my knees to my chest oblivious to the fact of Brian watching me.

Brian came in and saw his wife sitting on the window ledge just watching the rain fall. She looked so lost. As he watched her he couldn't help but think what was going through her mind. When she looked at him did she see him? When they made love did she imagine it was Nick instead of him? There were so many questions he wanted answers to but he didn't know how to approach her about it, afraid that she may snap. He walked into the room and made his way to her, she was still looking out the window as he placed his hand on her shoulder.

I turned around at the touch and looked up to see Brian and smiled weakly. "Hey..." "Hey...you ok?" I looked away from him turning my attention back to the falling rain outside. "Yeah I just have alot on my mind." I felt Brian sit down behind me and wrap his arms around my waist, his face was next to mine watching the rain "Anything you wanna talk about?" "No not really." I put my hands over his leaning back against him. Brian simply nuzzled my neck and lightly kissed it and he heard me sigh. For now he would enjoy the time they had.

~*~*~*~*~*~

A few days later I lay on the couch flipping through the channels, I was majorly bored. I sighed as I changed the channel again not wanting to see another talk show. 'Theres nothing on today' I thought as I flipped a few more channels then stopped going back to the news when I thought I saw a picture of Nick. I sat up and flipped it back to the news channel sure enough they were talking about him, so I turned up the volume and sat on the edge of the couch.

'In other news former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter is getting ready for his next project...marriage. It seems that he and a woman named Jessica have announced that they are getting married this weekend in Orlando, Florida. "I didn't feel like waiting was an option, we just felt that right now was the right time to share our love with the world," stated Carter when questioned about it. And here's Matt with sports...'

'You have GOT to be fuckin' kidding me.' I thought as the words the reporter said sank in "How could he do that...he's getting married? That man didn't even step up to talk about that...let alone with me." I sighed laying my head back on the couch looking up at the ceiling. That was like a slap in the face, he never brought up the idea of marriage to me. And the fact that he even thought about it with someone else broke my heart.

Brian walked in holding Chris against his chest seeing his wife just staring ahead like she was in deep thought. He looked at her for a few minutes before speaking "Baby...you alright?" She was knocked from her thoughts at the sound of his voice and looked up at him. "Deanna what's wrong?" She looked down at the floor saying in a low voice "Nick's getting married." "I'm sorry I didn't get that, what did you say?" "I said Nick's getting married." "He...he is? Well that's a new one...," Brian said rubbing Chris's back when he started to fuss "You don't seem too thrilled about it." "You think I should be 'thrilled' about this? This is serious he can't get married." "Why not? I thought you didn't love him anymore?" "I..." Brian looked away from her wanting to look at anything but her at the moment, he knew something was up. "Brian you have to understand." Brian shrugged shifting Chris to his other side "What's there to understand? You still love him. I knew it but I never said anything I thought you'd tell me when you were ready." She sighed then knowing he figured her out and looked down at the floor "I'm sorry...I should have said something." "There's nothing to say now...you obviously still have feelings for him. Well that's too damn bad he's getting married, he's moved on, deal with it." "And what if I don't want to?" "Too bad Deanna your gonna have to you have obligations now and you can't just throw them away for him. He's not worth it." "But I..." "Just stop. Stop right now. I don't care how much you think you love him, he doesn't love you like I do. I show you all the time Dee and you brush me off. I try my damnest to be the man you need but what do I get in return? Nothing. This is your obligation, Christopher needs his mother." Deanna looked up seeing her husband cradling their son and sighed "I know..." "You know but why do you keep hanging on to that last bit of hope when you know it's hopeless?" "It's not hopeless he loves me I know he does." "Bullshit Deanna, that bastard does not love you. Why can't you seem to get that through your head?" "How dare you say that...he does too love me and I'm gonna prove it."

I walked past him not wanting to discuss this anymore, I was gonna show him once and for all that Nick loved me and wanted to be with me. Brian watched her go upstairs so that's how she was gonna fix this by running after him? Not if he had anything to say about it. He quickly went upstairs and put Chris in his crib then rushed down to their bedroom ready to stop her. I looked up when I heard the door close. "What are you doing?" "Your not leaving I won't let you." "I didn't ask you now did I? And yes I am so would you please move?" Brian stood his ground and put both his arms on the doorframe stopping her from going anywhere "No. Why do you keep doing this?" When she didn't answer he continued "Everytime Nick moves on with his life you go to wherever he is and ruin everything and I'm not gonna let you this time." "I have to he's making a huge mistake." "You think so? Or is it that you can't bear to see him happy with someone else? Well...which is it? Answer me." She bowed her head and started crying "I'm sorry your right." "I know I'm right and--what?" She looked up at him tears in her eyes "I said your right. I love you and I'm sorry." Brian pulled her to him and hugged her tight, she finally came around and realized all the shit she had been doing was wrong.

Brian helped me downstairs and we sat on the couch for awhile with me still telling him I was sorry. I wiped my eyes and pulled away from him "Brian..." "Yes baby?" "Can you make me some tea? Please?" He smiled and softly kissed me "Of course, you stay here and I'll go make it." I smiled as he disappeared into the kitchen, as soon as he was out of sight I grabbed my purse from the closet and my keys off the end table. I carefully peeked into the kitchen as I slipped into my jacket to see that he was still preoccupied, I zipped it up then walked to the door carefully opening it so he wouldn't know I was leaving. I know what I was doing was wrong but I had to stop that wedding by any means neccessary and if that meant sneaking out then so be it. With the door closed behind me I walked down the pathway and to my car, I opened the door and got in. Before starting it up I looked back at the house and sighed "I'm sorry Brian, but I have to." I buckled the seatbelt and started it up driving down the street not daring to look back at what I was leaving behind. None of that mattered now all that mattered was how fast I could get to Florida and stop Nick from making the biggest mistake of his life.

As Brian took the cup out of the microwave he could have sworn he heard a car start up but made nothing of it, it was probably one of the neighbors. He grabbed the cup and pushed the kitchen door open expecting to see Deanna sitting on the couch waiting for him but she wasn't...she was gone. "The car...it was...goddamnit," Brian swore rushing to the door to see her car gone "She tricked me. What the hell is the matter with her?!" Meanwhile I was on the highway making my way to Florida, I just hoped that I wasn't too late. The rain was still falling but not as hard as earlier. I thought of Brian and how pissed he was gonna be when he found out I was gone.

"Whoa whoa whoa...Brian slow down man." "Sorry AJ but I can't believe she tricked me like that. Why does she keep running back to him?" "I don't know Brian I wish I knew." "Wait...you live not too far from Nick right?" "Yeah why?" "She'll most likely check there first I want you to stall her for as long as you can." "Your going after her?" "Damn right I'm going after her, this is the most childish bullshit she's ever pulled. I don't care how you have to do it but keep her away from him." "I'll do my best Bri, how long you think it will take to get here?" "A few hours I'll drop Chris off at my Mom's and then I'll be on my way. Thanks AJ." "No problem." After hanging up Brian went upstairs to get Chris ready, he lifted him out of the crib and layed him on the bed quickly getting him dressed. Once he was dressed Brian strapped him in the carseat and made his way out to his car. His Mom took Chris without questioning why and simply told him to be careful. He was now on the highway making his way towards Florida and his wife.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Hours later I was passing the Florida state line and I sighed in relief. I've been driving all night and I was dead tired but I needed to get to Nick and try to convince him not to go through with this. Brian flipped open his cell and dialed his wifes cell keeping his eyes on the road. I looked over when I heard my phone going off I knew exactly who it was and I wasn't answering it, I quickly pulled it out of my purse and shut it off stopping the ringing. "Goddamnit she turned her phone off," Brian mumbled as he closed the cell and threw it on the passanger seat. He sped up wanting to get to her and find out why in the hell she was doing this.

I pulled into a hotel to rest for the night, thank god I had my credit card or I'd be sleeping in my car. But it would be worth it. I paid for my room and took the elevator up, I couldn't help but wonder if Brian was on my trail. I wouldn't put it past him but...he wouldn't know where to look for me, which was a good thing at the moment cause I needed to be alone. I needed to think of what I was gonna say to Nick when I saw him tomorrow.

I pulled into Nick's driveway and sighed. What if she was there? I did NOT want a confrontation with his so called lover. He didn't love her he loved me and I was gonna prove it. It still pissed me off that he never brought up the idea of marriage let alone gave any hint about it. And now out of the blue he decides he's in love? Bullshit. This had to be an act cause there was no way he loved her, no way in hell. I got out of the car and shut the door taking a deep breath to quickly compose myself. It's now or never. As I made my way up the pathway I could swear I saw what looked like AJ's car parked in front of the neighboring house. There was no way that he...oh damn it was him. But how in the hell...Brian goddamn him, he knew exactly where I was headed and he was most likely headed in the same direction.

I quickly decided that I should wait till AJ left but no such luck because as soon as I started walking down the pathway he was getting out of his car making his way to me. I walked a little faster to get to my car but I never made it. No sooner had I put my hand on the handle AJ had grabbed my arm and turned me to look at him. "AJ will you just go?" "No. Why can't you face the facts Dee? He doesn't love you." "He does too I know he does." "He does does he? Well if that's the case then why is he getting married to someone that isn't you?" "I don't know...he's confused and doesn't know what he wants." "No your the one that's confused running halfway across the fucking country and for what? To stop a wedding that's gonna happen whether you want it to or not." I covered my ears not wanting to hear any of this and AJ quickly pulled my hands away from my face "Don't act like we haven't told you any of this before. When is it gonna sink in? That man has been bad news since day one and you know it." "You don't know him like I do...he can change." "I think I do I've known him since he was twelve I know how he works. And he'll always be like he is with or without you. You have somebody who would lay his life on the line for you and yet your pining for somebody who will never love you the way he does." "I know...I know!" "Then what are you doing here?" "This wedding can't happen." AJ stood there not knowing what to say they were never gonna get through to her.

Just as he was about to say something else the door opened and Nick stood there looking at AJ and his ex-girlfriend going at it.

I looked towards the house and saw Nick there, watching us with his arms crossed across his chest. "What are you doing here?" "I...um...we need to talk." "What's there to talk about? Nothing that's what." "Nick please I just wanna..." "Go home Deanna." I just looked at him, the man I loved who I wanted desperately to love me back and sighed. "What were you thinking coming down here? That I was gonna ditch Jess and come crawling back to you? I don't think so." "But Nick...I love you..." "Will you stop saying that? I don't care how much you say you love me, I don't love you at least not anymore." I looked down at the ground his words echoing in my head '...I don't love you...' "Nothing to say Deanna?" I looked back up at him tears brimming my eyes "How can you not love me? I have done everything for you Nick." Nick sighed and rubbed his temples "Just go alright? I don't have time for this." "Bullshit. You just don't want to admit how you really feel." "I'm going to make this as simple as possible. I. don't. love. you. What part are you not getting?" "Stop lying to yourself we have a history Nick and you'll never have someone who loves you as much as I do." I felt AJ grab my arm and I pushed him away. "Goddamnit you heard the man he wants nothing to do with you now let's go." "I said no AJ." "Well too damn bad," he said once again pulling on my arm leading back to his car. I looked back to see that Nick had shut the door and I struggled against him "Let me go!" "No your going to my house till Brian gets here." "He wanted you to spy on me didn't he?" "Why do you care? The man loves you and you have a new baby I can't believe you would be this selfish." "I can't help who I love AJ." "Yes you can you just don't want to give your heart to Brian. I sometimes wonder why he even puts up with you."

I struggled again as he opened the passenger side door and pushed me in, I crossed my arms and cursed him under my breath as he got in his side and started the car up. I looked out the window as we pulled off, and looked back till I couldn't see Nick's house anymore. I sighed resting my cheek against my palm. AJ looked over at me and I replied back coldly "What?" "Don't have an atittude with me I'm doing this for your own good. It's for the best." "Whatever...," I mumbled as I watched the scenery zoom by.

~*~*~*~*~*~

AJ got up off the steps when Brian pulled into his driveway quickly getting out of the car asking where his wife was. "Don't worry she's here Bri, she's upstairs." "What the hell was she hoping to get out of this?" "Nick's love but he told her off." "Good...that no good son of a bitch. She doesn't need that and I sure as hell don't need to see him." Brian took the stairs two at a time until he reached the room she was in. He softly knocked then opened the door.

I looked up at him "Why must you keep tabs on me?" "Why must you lie to sneak out of the house? That was so childish Dee." "Yeah? Well I don't care." "Don't get smart with me we're only looking out for you." "I don't need to be looked after." "Yes you do you need help and I want to help if you'll just let me in." "Why do you love me Brian?" "What kind of question is that?" "Just answer it." "It's hard to explain seeing as the woman I fell in love with is no longer here but trapped in some kind of fantasy world." I really looked at him then, I could see the hurtful expression on his face. Why did I keep hurting him? He didn't deserve this at all and yet I comtinued to hurt him as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "If you didn't love me then why did you marry me?" "I did at first and I guess I just didn't wanna be alone." "That's no reason to keep someone hanging like that Deanna. This isn't fair to me or Chris, have you even thought about him in all of this? He's only a baby, a baby who needs his mother. You have to make a decision...are you gonna let this whole Nick thing go and make a life with me or are you just gonna live in your little world where everything is perfect? Because you can't have both."

I sat on the bed letting everything Brian said sink in. Did I really wanna give up on Nick? Did I really wanna give my heart to Brian not knowing if he'd hurt me? I just didn't know. I leant forward and rested my head in my hands looking down at the floor. That was a big step for me to let go of my past and work on the future. I had been with Nick for so long that I forgot what a real relationship was. I forgot what it was like to be held and told you were loved, I forgot about how it was supposed to be. All the shit Nick put me through you would think I would have let it go by now but he holds a piece of my heart that noone can ever have. And poor Chris I wasn't even thinking of him in any of this I was only looking out for myself, and that wasn't right.

I looked up at Brian who was waiting for my answer. "I can't promise I will forget but I will try and if your willing to help me through this then I guess it's worth a shot. I care for you Brian you've shown me what being in love is supposed to be like. I wanna be there for you and Chris and to be the woman I once was, if she ever comes back." Brian simply smiled there was hope yet. He knelt in front of me and held my hands "I will do whatever it is you ask of me, and I will help in the best way I can. I love you."

I have surprised myself. No really I have well...I guess I have seeing as I've only thought of Nick twice maybe three times since the whole thing went down with Brian. I can't help thinking about him. At one point in time he was my everything, and now he wasn't and I had to face facts. Only problem was I didn't want to. Nobody knew the pain I went through when he left me it was like someone pulled out my heart and stomped on it and I can't for the life of me remember ever having been that upset. With two little words he sent my world crashing to the ground, and because of it my heart was in peices well beyond repair. I know Krissie will have a fit if I tell her that I've been thinking of him again. She would probably go into one of her rants about how he was bad for me and blah, blah, blah...whatever how did anyone know what was best for me? They weren't me were they? No they weren't.

I got up off the couch and went upstairs walking by Chris's room to check on him, then made my way down to mine and Brian's room. I got on my hands and knees when I reached the bed and pulled out a box. I sat on the floor with my legs crossed as I pulled the lid off and dug inside. Hidden inside the box were pictures, letters, and postcards. All of them were from Nick when we were together. I kept everything as that one little reminder to myself that once upon a time he had loved me. I went through the pictures smiling at us together and the way he looked at me. I sighed...now he was looking at someone else like that, giving them the attention he had once given me. Brian was right I had to move one only problem was, how do I do that?

Brian went to see his cousin he's been very distant since that night and I can't say I blame him. He hardly ever came near me it was like we weren't even married, it felt like we were roommates. And I know that had to be killing him not being able to hold me and know for a fact that it was him I was thinking about. Kevin opened the door when he heard the knock "Hey cuz come on in." Brian walked past him into the living room as Kevin shut the door "Kristin here?" "Nah...she's out shopping with Krissie I think. So what brings you by? How are things with you and Dee?" Brian sighed as he sat on the couch opposite Kevin "Not good." "But I thought you two sorted everything out?" "We did or I thought we did. I still get the feeling that when she sees me she wishes I was him. I don't get it, why can't she love me like that?" "Well they did have quite the history and with her being in that kind of relationship for so long, she probably doesn't know anything else." Brian looked down at his hands then back at Kevin "The first day things were fine but then she went right back to the way she was, I can't even go near her anymore. It makes my stomach churn knowing that she still loves and wants to be with that asshole. It's like we're not even married, just living together." "I'm sorry Brian." "It's not your fault if anybody should be blamed it's Nick he's the reason she's like this. I miss the old Deanna ya know?" "Me too I remember when Nick first introduced us to her she was so full of life and laughed all the time. She doesn't even do that anymore." "She claims she has no reason to be happy. What about me and Chris? Are we just temporary until Nick decides he wants to be with her?"

Kevin watched as his cousin dropped his head into his hands and groaned. He felt so sorry for him he loved Deanna since the beginning but she insisted on staying with someone who kept hurting her, when she deserved so much better. "I guess all we can do now is hope and pray she comes around." "I wish I could just sit around and wait but I can't, I'm not gonna keep playing this waiting guessing game with her I can't take it. She needs to make a decision and fast." "Then you need to tell her that, tell her your tired of playing mind games." "I've tried but every time I have I stop myself because I would feel so bad if she chose Nick over me. I don't think I could take that." Kevin sat next to his cousin and put his arm around his shoulders. "Nobody said it was gonna be easy but if your tired of the way she's acting you have to say something." Brian sighed again "I know. I guess there's only one way to find out huh?" Kevin smiled "If you need someone to talk to I'm always here Bri you know that." Brian looked at his cousin and smiled "I know thanks Kev." He got up off the sofa and made his way to the door with Kevin trailing behind him.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Nick sat in his studio, tonight would have been his honeymoon but no Deanna had to come and ruin everything. Well not really he did still care for her after all she had put up with all the stupid shit he's done. Jess was just a phase with whom he almost made a huge mistake. He took the hedphones off and rubbed his temples, everything was so frustrating. He thought he was over her but everytime she happened to show up on his doorstep all he wanted to do was hold her close and never let go. But she was with Brian now, he wondered if she was happy with him. She couldn't be if she kept running back to him. He wasn't about to break up a family though. He got up and turned the light off before leaving the room. He ran his hands through his hair as he walked down the hallway thinking of what he was gonna do. Maybe he could stop by and see her and hope Brian wasn't there. But what good would that do? He did tell her to go home and she didn't wanna leave. 'Face it you are so screwed' he said to himself as he made it to the living room.

I put the box back under the bed and got up off the floor leaving the room. I walked into the nursery to find Chris awake and picked him up as he softly cried. "It's alright Mommy's here," I whispered as I walked the room with him till he calmed down. I looked down to see him sound asleep again I wasn't even thinking about him in all of this. I was only thinking of myself, but if it wasn't for getting with Brian Chris wouldn't be here and for that I loved Brian for, for giving me something Nick never wanted.

The next day Nick found himself parked out front of Brian and Deanna's house. He'd have to face her sooner or later so why not sooner? He got out of the car and walked up the pathway then knocked and waited. I walked to the door drying my hands and got the shock of my life when I opened it and saw Nick standing there. "Nick...hi..." "Hey yourself, can I come in?" "Sure," I stepped aside so he could come in and shut the door. As I watched him sit on the couch I couldn't help but wonder why he was here, last time I saw him he was telling me to get lost. "What are you doing here?" "I have no idea I just wanted to see you." I sat in the chair opposite him and looked at him. He hadn't changed except that now I could see that he lost some weight. "Um...how'd your wedding go?" "I didn't...I mean...we didn't get married." "You didn't? why not?" "I realized that she wasn't the one for me and couldn't be when I'm love with someone else."

Someone else? He didn't mean...no of course not. "Oh...she's a very lucky woman." "Indeed she is, um...I'm sorry about the way I talked to you before." "It's alright don't worry about it." "No it's not I shouldn't have said what I said not when I..." "Not when you what?" Nick looked around "Is Brian here?" "No he took Chris to visit his Mom." "Oh ok...can you come over here?" I got up out of the chair and sat next to him "What is it?" He turned to face me and cupped my chin with his hand and kissed me, not just a peck but a full blown kiss. "Whoa...what...what was that for?" Nick smiled thumbing my chin pleased by my reaction to his kiss. "You weren't expecting that were you?" "No I wasn't. What's all this about?" "You still haven't figured it out? Your the woman I love Dee, I know we've had some rough times before but I wanna make it up to you. I love you." Wait....back up rewind...did I just hear Nick tell me that he loved me? Oh my god, he did say that.

"What about Jess?" "What about her? Sure I loved her but she's not you...don't you love me?" "Yes, more than anything." "Good now that that's out of the way come here," he pulled me onto his lap and held my face in his hands. I looked into his eyes desperately wishing I could wake up from this dream, it wasn't until I felt his lips on mine that I figured out this wasn't a dream. Nick was actually here kissing me and telling me he loved me. I decided to stop thinking and just go with it. I tangled my hand in his hair as he kissed down my neck, I was far gone by this point. I was completely lost in the moment.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Brian watched as his Mom bounced Chris on her lap making him giggle. "How come Deanna didn't come with you?" "She didn't want to." "Are you two having problems?" "Well yes and no." Brian wasn't sure if he wanted to tell his Mom exactly what was going on. "Nothing too serious I hope." "No just little arguments here and there you know how it is." "That I do your father can be a real pain sometimes." She smiled as Chris looked up at her "He is so precious. He looks like you." "You think so? I think he has Deanna's eyes." "Nope those baby blues are all you honey." Brian smiled this was just what he needed to forget about everything an afternoon with his Mom. He couldn't help but think that he should call her to make sure she was ok on her own. "I'm gonna make a call I'll be right back." "Ok honey," she said as she cooed at Chris. Brian took the phone off the wall and dialed the house.

My eyes were closed and my hand was still tangled in his hair when the phone rang. "Nick...maybe I should get that." "Oh no your not going anywhere. Let it ring" He smirked and started moving again which caused me to moan "But it might be important." "More important than me?" I pulled his head down and kissed him forgetting all about the ringing phone, it had been too long.

Brian sighed when he got no answer, she was probably still cleaning like she was when he left. He hung up and rejoined his mother back in the living room. She looked over at him as he sat down "What's the matter baby?" "Nothing...she was probably too busy to pick up the phone." "Well how else do you expect your house to get clean?" Brian smiled better her than him.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and smiled up at him as he rested on his elbows hovering above me. "Are you happy?" "Yes...very..." He smiled and leant down mumbling 'good' as he kissed me. If only it could always be like this. He pulled away and looked down at me "I should get going don't want Brian to catch me here." "Yeah..." "How about you come over to my place tomorrow?" "I'd like that." "I thought you would. I'm gonna go, Love you." I smiled at the words I couldn't believe I was hearing him say that to me again "Love you." I leant up and kissed him before he got off of me and started getting dressed. After Nick left I had alot of energy one guess why. I went back to my cleaning and Brian came home a little bit later. I heard Chris laugh and dropped my rag and went into the living room "There's my baby." I took him from Brian and held him "Mommy missed you did you have fun at Grandmas?" He smiled up at me and I couldn't help but smile back. "Somebody's in a good mood." "I guess you could say that." Brian looked around "Is there anything you didn't clean? "What can I say? I was on a cleaning spree."

I took Chris upstairs and layed him in his crib then went back downstairs to see Brian still standing in the same spot. I smiled and walked to him pulling his head down so I could kiss him. His arms wrapped around my waist as I wrapped my arms around his neck. Why not play the role of wife at least so he wouldn't get suspicious? I let him push me back to the couch, I had been depriving him after all.

After that night Brian no longer pestered me about Nick. I should have done that a long time ago if I knew it would get him off my case. Now I had a problem a HUGE problem I was cheating on my husband, but would you even call it cheating if there was no love involved? I didn't know but what I did know was how happy I was now that Nick was back in my life. Not exactly how I wanted it to be but you get the picture.

Days after it had happened Brian still hadn't caught on and I was very thankful. I didn't wanna think of what would happen if he found out that I was messing around with the one person he hated the most. For now I was safe, let's just hope I can keep it that way.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I looked up from my book to see Brian coming downstairs with Chris's carseat and diaper bag. I heard him curse under his breath when he almost lost his balance, I leant forward a little then went to get up. "You need some help?" "No I got it, I almost fell." I watched as he sat them on the floor and kneel down making sure Chris was alright. "Daddy's sorry if he scared you." I got up and walked over to where he was knelt and looked at Chris as he smiled completely oblivious to what just happened. Brian looked back at me "You gonna be ok here by yourself?" "Of course...I'm sure I'll find something to keep me occupied." 'And by something I mean somebody' I thought as he smiled getting up off the floor. "Alright I'm gonna be out with Harold for awhile, we're gonna have a guys day out so to speak. Aren't we Chris?" He just giggled and put his toy in his mouth looking up at Brian. I smiled "It's scary of how much he looks like you." "My mother said the same thing but I think he looks like you." He walked to me and softly kissed me then pulled back smiling "Have fun without me." He picked up the carseat and diaper bag heading out the door.

I watched from the window as he got Chris situated in the back then got in driving off. After he was gone I sat at the window waiting to see the telltale sign of Nick's car coming up the street. I didn't have to wait long because no sooner had I walked away from the window was when I heard that distinctive rumble of the engine being turned off. I smiled walking back to the window to see Nick getting out of his car and make his way up the pathway. I opened the door before he knocked and he smiled. "Anxious to see me?" "You have no idea." I grabbed his hand and pulled him in closing and locking the door then pushed him up against it. "I need you so bad right now." His hands rested on my hips as he leant down and kissed me. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck.

Brian picked up the cell that was ringing on the passengers seat and answered it. "Hello? Kris hey...what's up?" "Nothing much listen...I was thinking me and Howie could come by and we could have dinner or something." "That's sounds great Kris but I'm not home, I'm on my way to see Harold." "Oh...well there goes my plans..." Brian chuckled at her obvious disappointment "Why don't you call Dee? She's home by herself she might wanna do something with you." "I think I might just do that. Say hi to Harold for me." "Will do bye Kris." "Later Rok." Brian smiled as he hung up and looked in his rearview mirror to see Chris sound asleep.

"So what did they say?" "I was gonna go see Dee for a bit...you mind?" "No of course not it's been awhile since you've been able to just hang out with her. You go and be careful." Krissie smiled and leant down to softly kiss her husband before heading out. She walked to her car jingling her keys humming softly to herself. She pulled out of the driveway and started towards Dee and Brian's, maybe she could talk her best friend into spending some much needed girls time. As she approached their house she noticed a car she knew who it belonged to. "The hell? What's he doing here?" She parked her car and got out walking up to the house. As she walked past the window she noticed the curtains were opened so she peeked inside. She gasped at what she saw...the little sneak. There her friend was up against the wall with her hand firmly planted in Nick's hair as he kissed down her neck. Krissie stood there and watched the scene unfold, her anger building. From what Brian told her things were going fine...she guessed they were considering that the man Deanna was kissing wasn't her husband. She stepped away from the window disgusted at her friend for stooping so low. The whole way home she couldn't think of anything besides Brian and how much her friend was hurting him.

She slammed the door throwing her keys on the inn table "How could she?" "Querida...what happened? I thought you were going to see Dee." "Oh I saw her alright..." "Then what are you doing back here?" "I can't believe her, how could she do this to him?!" Howie walked to her and placed his hands on her arms telling her to calm down "Ok, now tell me what happened...what are you talking about?" "When I got to their house there was a car there." "Ok..." "It was Nick's car." "What?" "You heard me Nick was there." Howie let go of her arms and just looked at her he wanted to hear the rest of this. Krissie continued her voice rising with every word "I walked towards the pathway and passed the window...They were kissing...she was kissing that no good son of a bitch. I knew something was going on I just knew it." Howie stood there in shock at what his wife told him...Deanna and Nick, back together? The hell? "I have to tell Brian." "Querida no..." "He has the right to know that his wife is cheating on him." "Whatever's going on Deanna has to tell him not you." "But..." "No buts he should hear it from her." Krissie sighed defeated she hated when Howie was right. "Ok I won't tell him...but if she doesn't tell him soon then I will." Howie walked to her and cupped her cheek softly kissing her. Her eyes closed at the feel of his lips and she forgot about what she had seen her friend doing...well for the moment.

Howie watched his wife pace...probably thinking of how she was gonna murder that girl. He could hear her mumbling to herself. "Querida...?" Krissie stopped her pacing and turned to her husband "Hmm?" "Your pacing...come sit with me." "I was? I'm sorry querido." She sat next to him and sighed "I can't take this anymore, somebody needs to tell him." "Your dying to tell him aren't you?" "Yes...but I know it shouldn't be me." "She should be the one to tell him it's only fair." "I know but how could she do this to him? I thought she was learning to forget about him...about that..." Howie could see her anger was building, Deanna seriously had some explaining to do. "I hate both of them so fucking much right now." He turned her to face him and smiled "What can we do to put your mind elsewhere?" Krissie smirked "I don't know...what did you have in mind?" Howie grabbed her hand and pulled her up "Follow me..." Krissie did as told. She really did need to stop thinking about Nick and Deanna.

~*~*~*~*~*~

I tossed and turned unable to sleep. I layed on my back and stared up at the ceiling, I had just got in hours before. I smiled thinking of how Nick looked before I left, I didn't want to leave but I knew I had to. I sighed and pushed the covers back getting out of bed. I looked over at Brian and reached for my diary that was hidden under my side of the bed. I hadn't woke him up good thing. I walked to the window and sat on the window seat with my knees to my chest and opened the book starting to write...

Dear Diary,

Unable to sleep once again. It could be from the amazing night I had with Nick or maybe it's my mind screaming. Screaming from what? Screaming from everything thats happened these past few weeks. I am really at a crossroads. I want to tell Brian I'm deceiving him but maybe it's better if he doesn't know. It's official Nick is back in my life and I couldn't be happier, not exactly what I had in mind but I guess it's better than nothing. I hated to leave him tonight I really did but I knew I had to.

It's hard to explain exactly what I feel for him. When I'm with him everything just feels so right ya know? Like it's the way things are supposed to be. And then there's Brian...I care for him, love him even but not like Nick. Things won't be peaceful for much longer I know. The truth will have to come out, hopefully I'm strong enough to tell him. I have a feeling Krissie knows. How? I have no idea but she does...Howie too.

I glance over at Brian to see him still asleep and smile then go back to my writing.

If she does know I just hope she doesn't say anything, it should be me to tell him. I am the one cheating afterall. Cheating...such an ugly word, a thing I promised to never do. And what am I doing now? Cheating on my husband. Is it considered cheating if there's no love? I don't know. I could be with Nick now, snuggled against him as I sleep. But for now all I have is Brian, speaking of which I should get back to before he wakes up. We'll catch up soon.

I closed the book and got up quietly putting my diary back in it's hiding place before slipping back into bed. Brian mumbled something and pulled me close to him. I would have loved to be with Nick but snuggling with Brian was never a bad thing.

Nick lay in bed wishing she was still there. He wanted her to stay but knew she couldn't. He turned to lay on his side and looked at the empty spot next to him. Things were going good...great even. Although he couldn't help but wonder if anybody knew about them. Krissie and Howie might...he noticed the way they looked at him when he went to go visit Howie. But the question was how? He didn't need to worry about that right now. He had to get some sleep then maybe he could see Deanna tomorrow and talk her into staying the night. That was his last thought before he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

I collapsed against Nick as the final wave of my orgasm hit me. He always kept me coming back, I don't think I could stay away if I tried. I lay there quite content and not wanting to move as I felt his arms wrap around me. I smiled as a thought popped into my head, this is exactly where I wanted to be. If home was where the heart is it only made sense that I was home when I was with Nick. I felt him smooth my hair back and lay a soft kiss to my forehead. "You are incredible." I smiled at his compliment "So you've told me." I sat up so I could look down at him "I don't want to leave." "Then don't. Stay here with me." "But what about Brian? What will I tell him?" "That your staying over Howie and Krissie's?" "I guess I could but I don't know." He ran his arms up my back and into my hair pulling me down. "Please...? Just one night." I looked into his eyes and I was lost. There was no winning a battle with him. I would call Brian and tell him our little lie we made up, but for now all I wanted to do was lay there with Nick.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"So you have no idea of where she is?" "None. She's been out almost every night this week. And I haven't the slightest clue as to what she's up to." "Really?" "Yeah...she leaves and doesn't come back till late." "Hmm...I wonder what she's up to and--" "Hold on Kev, I have another call..." Brian clicked over to the other call coming in "Hello?" "Hey honey..." "Deanna where are you? it's almost 10." "I'm hanging out with Krissie I thought I told you, I'm sorry..." "That's alright, are you coming home soon?" "That's actually why I was calling..." I felt the bed shift behind me and Nick's lips on my neck. I tried ignoring him as I talked "I was gonna stay here with her tonight." It was silent for a few minutes. "Brian?" "Yeah...I'm here..." "Is that ok? I'll be home tomorrow." "That's fine you two rarely get to hang out so yeah I'll see you tomorrow." I closed my eyes as I felt his lips moving up towards my ear and fought the urge to moan "See you tomorrow." "Love you." "Love you too." I hung up and turned around to face Nick "And you...I was on the phone..." "And your point is...?," he said playfully taking the phone out of my hand "I got bored." "Uh huh...bored or horny?" "Both actually you gonna take care of that?" I could see the smirk on his face and pushed him back on the bed "Of course I am...," I said as I leant down to kiss him as his hands gripped my hips.

"I'm back that was Dee...she's staying with Kris tonight." "I bet that puts your mind at ease." "For now." "This will be good for her, to be able to hang out with her best friend." "Definitely, Kev I gotta go Chris is crying. Talk to you later?" "Of course cuz." "Give my love to Kris." "Will do bye now." Brian hung up and proceeded to go upstairs to retrieve his wailing son. He picked him up out of the crib and held him close trying to shush him. "Shh...it's ok, Daddy's here..." He rocked back and forth, rubbing his back till he heard him quiet down. He was about to lay him back in the crib when he started again and he picked him back up. "Alright...Alright...where did Mommy put your binky?" He looked around the room not seeing it anywhere. "Let's see if it's in the bedroom..."

Cradling Chris he walked down the hall to the bedroom and walked in immediately spotting it on her nightstand by the bed. "Here we go, Mommy left it in here..." He gave it to him and he sucked on it for all of 2 minutes before he spit it out and wailed louder than before. Brian turned away from the bed and patted his back as he conintued to cry, a few minutes later he heard a burp then he felt something wet running down the back of his shirt. "Chris what did you...," he held him up in front of him to see him smiling "Your tummy was upset, is that all it was?" Chris giggled and Brian just smiled "You are just too cute to be mad at, you lay here while Daddy goes and gets cleaned up." He layed him on the bed and pulled off his shirt, quickly pulling another one out of the drawer and over his head.

"There we go and...not again..." Brian picked him up just as he let everything in his little stomach out onto the sheets. "We'll just clean it up that's all, save Mommy some trouble." He quickly cleaned Chris up and put him in a new sleeper, then placed him in the playpen while he went to tackle the bed. He pulled the comforter off and held it up checking to see if anything was on it, nope nothing. He placed the pillows on the floor and pulled off the over sheet, then started pulling the matress up so he could get the sheet off when something fell out and hit the floor. He looked down and saw a little pink book with 'My Diary' written across the front. 'Must be Deanna's' he thought, but he didn't know she kept a diary. He placed the mattress back down and bent down to pick up the book. He wanted to open it and read it, what would she write in there? He sat it on the nightstand and finished stripping the bed. After putting the sheets in the washer he went back into the room spotting the book again. It couldn't be that bad right? He picked up the book and ran his hand over the front cover and took a deep breath as he opened it beginning to read.

Dear Diary,
Today I became Mrs. Brian Littrell and I couldn't be happier...
He read on smiling noticing she had written in full detail of their wedding and their honeymoon.

Dear Diary,
Our baby was born today, Christopher Thomas Littrell came into the world at 3:52 this morning. He is so beautiful, he has his Daddy's eyes. He'll be here soon to see his baby boy...

He didn't know she kept track of all this, it was really sweet. He flipped through the older entries deciding to see what she had written recently.

Dear Diary,
I went and saw Nick today. He told me to go home, what the hell? If AJ hadn't been there to stop me I would have begged him to let me stay so we could work this out...

Why would she write about that? It obviously wasn't something someone would want to remember. He flipped a few more pages to see yesterdays date and started to read.

Dear Diary,
Unable to sleep once again. It could be from the amazing night I had with Nick or maybe it's my mind screaming. Screaming from what? Screaming from everything thats happened these past few weeks. I am really at a crossroads. I want to tell Brian I'm deceiving him but maybe it's better if he doesn't know. It's official Nick is back in my life and I couldn't be happier, not exactly what I had in mind but I guess it's better than nothing. I hated to leave him tonight I really did but I knew I had to.

It's hard to explain exactly what I feel for him. When I'm with him everything just feels so right ya know? Like it's the way things are supposed to be. And then there's Brian...I care for him, love him even but not like Nick. Things won't be peaceful for much longer I know. The truth will have to come out, hopefully I'm strong enough to tell him. I have a feeling Krissie knows. How? I have no idea but she does...Howie too.
If she does know I just hope she doesn't say anything, it should be me to tell him. I am the one cheating afterall.

Cheating...such an ugly word, a thing I promised to never do. And what am I doing now? Cheating on my husband. Is it considered cheating if there's no love? I don't know. I could be with Nick now, snuggled against him as I sleep. But for now all I have is Brian, speaking of which I should get back to before he wakes up. We'll catch up soon.

Brian stared down at the words he'd just read. How could she? The woman he loved was cheating on him and she didn't even have the guts to tell him? Krissie AND Howie knew and they hadn't told him? What the hell?! He closed the book and tightened his hands around it wanting to burn it, to burn every single memory she had of that bastard. "At Krissie and Howie's huh? Bullshit." By this time he was fuming how dare she even think that Nick was better than him, no fucking way.

Kevin watched his cousin pace his living for the dozenth time clutching a little pink book. He thought he heard him mumbling something about killing someone. It had to be Deanna...what had the girl down now? "B?" No answer. He said it again only louder which caused Brian to look up. "You call me and tell me your coming over and when you get here your pacing in my living room...what's going on?" "This," Brian said holding up the little pink book he had been holding "What is it?" Brian handed it to him and Kevin opened it thumbing through the pages. "It looks like a diary, Dee's diary. Don't you know you shouldn't read a woman's diary?" Brian glared at him "I don't care right now...just read the last entry." "Alright...," Kevin flipped through the book till he reached the entry his cousin spoke of and began to read.

With every word Kevin spoke the angrier Brian got. Kevin couldn't believe what he had just read, Deanna and Nick back together? What the hell was wrong with the girl? "I just wanna hurt him so bad...," Brian said clentching his fists "I want him to know what it feels like to be taken down to the lowest level possible. I hate him so fucking much Kevin." "Your not the only one..." "What does he have that I don't? What does she see in him? After all the shit he put her through and she's still running back. I don't get it." "None of us do, I don't think we ever will. You need to talk to her." Brian sighed "I know...I just wish she'd come to me and told me instead of me having to read it in her diary. Considering it wasn't very well hidden, she hid it under the mattress. Can you believe that?" Brian took the offended object back from Kevin and looked at it. "I'm gonna head back home we have alot to talk about." Brian walked out not bothering to say another word to his cousin.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Later that evening...

Brian walked in to see Deanna playing with Chris. I turned around when I heard the door open "Hey...I was wondering when you were gonna get home..." "Did you now?" "Of course I did why...what's the matter?" Brian held up the diary "Where...give me that..." I tried snatching it but he held it out of my reach "I don't think so." "What is the matter with you?" "No...what's the matter with you? Your nothing but a lying, little sneak...I know you've been seeing Nick behind my back." "You really shouldn't read a girls diary it's private," I said sitting Chris in his playpen "Like hell it is, next tme find a better hiding place, as for this. I'm burning it." "What? you can't do that..." "I can and I will you brought this upon yourself Deanna, from now on you will not leave this house unless I say so you hear me?" "Your not the boss of me, you don't own me." "That may be true but I will not let that bastard hurt you again, you mean too much to me." "He won't hurt me...he's changed..." "Has he now...? In case you've forgotten, your precious Nick? He's nothing more than a player, I bet he's sneaking around on you right now." "That's not true! He wouldn't do that." "Keep thinking that...keep living in this little fantasy world of yours Deanna it may be the only thing you have left." Brian stormed out of the room with the diary in hand.

Who did he think he was? The nerve of the man telling me I couldn't leave the house unless he said so. Husband or not he had no right to order me around, I wasn't his property. I can't believe he found my diary, I knew I should have hidden it in a more secure place. I was supposed to be meeting Nick tonight guess that won't be happening. He had recently moved up here to be closer to me, how sweet. And nobody knew but me. Now the question was, how was I going to get out of this house to see him? I sighed when I saw Brian come into the living room. "You coming to bed?" "In a minute..." "I meant what I said Deanna, you won't sneak by me again." With that said he went upstairs. That's what he thought, as soon as I heard the bedroom door close I grabbed my phone out of my purse and called Nick's cell. Nick smiled when he saw who it was, he was waiting for her call. "Hey Dee...I was just thinking about you..." "Your always thinking of me." "Yeah well...so am I gonna see you tonight?" "That might be a bit of a problem." "I'm afraid you lost me...why is that a problem?" "It's Brian...he knows." "He knows...but how? nobody has said anything." "He found my diary and read it." "What the hell...he had no right." "That's what I said and now he has me on lockdown." "Your kidding?" "No I'm serious he's not letting me out of his sight." I heard him sigh "Alright so...what do you wanna do?" "I want to see you of course, I just need a way out of here. He just went to bed so it shouldn't be long before he's asleep." "This is bullshit...he can't keep you in the house, he doesn't own you." "Your right he doesn't and I should be able to come and go as I damn well please. Come get me?" "Of course....just keep a lookout." "Ok see you soon. Love you." Nick smiled "Love you too." I hung up and looked up the stairs to make sure he wasen't coming down to check on me. I put my phone back in my purse and waited.

I stood by the window waiting to see Nick's car coming down the street. After a few minutes I didn't see anything and sighed...he wasen't coming to get me. As I walked away from the window I heard a light knock at the door and quickly went to get it. I smiled when I saw Nick on the other side "Where's your car?" "I parked it down on the next street so it wouldn't wake Brian." "Oh...that was smart." "Eh...I have my moments, ready to go?" "As always." I turned off the lights and grabbed my purse following Nick out. "Thanks for coming to get me." "Anytime baby...," he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me to him as we walked to his car. "Does anybody know you have a place here?" "Nope. Nobody but you." "Good, hopefully we can keep it that way." We made it safe and sound to Nick's house, and Brian didn't have a clue I was gone. And best of all, he didn't know where to look for me.

Brian awoke in the middle of the night and turned over expecting to feel his wife next to him. He opened his eyes and looked at the empty side of the bed, she hadn't come to bed. He got up and went downstairs flipping on the light. "Deanna...you down here?" When nobody answered him he grew furious "Goddamnit, not again...but I know where to look for you." He went upstairs and quickly got dressed doing the same with Chris placing him in his carseat. "I'm sorry buddy but we have to go somewhere...go back to sleep..." He locked up the house and made it to his car cursing under his breath about his so called wife and her childish ways.

I lay in bed snuggled next to Nick, completely content. "Nick...?" "Yeah baby?" "I love you..." "I know, I love you too. I should have realized that sooner, then we wouldn't be in this mess." "It's ok we just needed time apart but I'm glad we're together now." "Me too, you mean everything to me Deanna." He placed a soft kiss to my forehead and we just lay there in the dark holding each other.

Brian sat in the car thinking...what if she wasen't there and he drove down there for nothing? Better call AJ first. He pulled out his cell and dialed his friends number. AJ looked down at his cell and saw Brian's number flashing back at him "Hello?" "Hey AJ, sorry for calling so late." "It's fine, I was up anyway." "Listen could you do me a favor?" "Sure, what's up?" "Can you check to see if Nick's home?" "Ok...may I ask why I'm checking on him?" "Deanna disappeared again." "Oh, well...as far as I know Nick hasn't been home for weeks." "For weeks? how is that possible?" "I don't know. Maybe she has him meet her somewhere?" "But she doesn't drive, unless...she has him meet her at the house. Let me find out she's been sneaking him in the house, I swear I'll..." "Brian calm down man, no need to get physical. All we gotta do is figure where they're hiding out." "Easier said than done J..." "True, I'll keep a lookout and call if I hear anything alright?" "Alright thanks AJ." "No problem and if you don't mind my asking, why did she disappear again?" Brian sighed knowing he had to tell his friend that it would come out anyway "I found her diary while stripping the bed yesterday and she had written in detail of every time she'd been with the man. How she was cheating on me but couldn't tell me." "Damn...if my wife was cheating on me I'd certainly want to know. So what was her excuse for not telling you?" "That she didn't want to break my heart and admit that she's been lying from the start." "I'm sorry Brian." "Don't be I should have seen this coming, I had a feeling something wasn't right but I just didn't want to admit it."

~*~*~*~*~*~

I woke up the next morning snuggled against Nick...what a way to wake up. If only I could wake up to him everyday. I wonder if Brian found out where I was yet? Mostly likely not, Nick had said nobody but me knew he moved up here and we had every intention of keeping it that way. I felt him stir beside me and I turned to face him. "Mornin'..." He smiled a sleepy smile, he is so cute when he first wakes up. "Good Morning..." "It's only good cause I'm here with you." He smiled again and pulled me too him, snuggling up against me "Mmm...how about we just stay in bed all day?" "I'd love to but..." He kissed the back of my neck which caused me to shiver "But what?" "I need to go home." "No you don't...your safe here and he has no idea of where to look for you, besides I don't want you to go." "I don't want to go, but I'm gonna have to eventually." "Which is not now..." He closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep, holding me close. I turned to face him and smiled at his peaceful face. "Stop watching me sleep..." So I did as I was told and settled back under the covers.

Brian sat at the kitchen table his coffee getting cold as he wracked his brain trying to figure out where they could be hiding out. He wrapped his hands around the now cold mug and sighed mumbling to himself wondering where his wife could be.

Meanwhile Kevin was giving Harold the low down on what had happened and he wasn't thrilled about it. "Say what...?" "You heard me, she's back with Nick. And she's claiming that she doesn't love your brother, at all." "We'll see about that..." "Harold, where are you going?" "I think it's time I had a talk with this sister-in-law of mine." "That's the thing we have no idea of where they're hiding." "You don't?" "Nope. All we know is that she ran off and Brian hasn't seen her for days." "What is her problem Kevin? What has Brian done to make her do something like this?" "I wish I knew, we all do..." Harold sighed "Poor Brian. He's a great man and he doesn't deserve this. This has to end." "I know but what are we going to do?" Harold sat on the couch looking deep in thought. Kevin sat next to him as they both tried to think of the best way to get me away from Nick.

I shrieked when I felt arms wrap around my waist then a light kiss on my neck. I took a deep breath and smacked him on the arm "God Nick. Don't sneak up on me like that." "Sorry babe, I couldn't resist..." "Yeah yeah...now I hope your hungry." "Famished," he gave me a squeeze then looked over my shoulder "What are we having?" I looked back at him and smiled "Bacon and eggs." He kissed my cheek then rested his chin on my shoulder "I love you." "I know...Love you too...now scoot..." I softly pushed him back and grabbed the plates taking them to the table. "Now this is nice isn't it? Just like old times, huh?" I sat across from him and smiled "Yup just like old times..."

Brian got up from the table and went to answer the door seeing Kevin and Harold. "Kevin...Harold...what are you doing here?" "Kevin told me what happened, I'm sorry bro." Brian shrugged "It's alright..." "No it's not, how can you say it's alright after what that woman did to you?" "I thought I was enough to stop the hurting, to make everything better..." Kevin walked to him and placed a hand on his shoulder "You are but she's just too blind to see it. It's gonna fall apart again, he'll go back to his old ways...you'll see..." "And what am I supposed to do then Kevin? Help her pick up the peices of her pathetic life? I don't think so." Kevin and Harold looked at each other thinking she may well have really fucked up everything for him. "I'm gonna find her." Brian looked over at his brother "Don't you think I've tried? She doesn't want to be found." "No Brian I'm GONNA find her and when I do I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind for breaking my brothers heart. That bitch won't get away with this." "Do you have that bastard's number?" "Yeah..." Kevin handed Harold a slither of off white paper, and sighed. "I really don't think he's going to speak to you, Harry. I mean, face it: what's done is done." he turned to his cousin, and walked up to him. "You and Brian may be giving up, but I'M not. Do you hear me? I'm going to hunt that 'woman' down, even if it takes forever..." Harold took one last look at them both before leaving pulling his keys out.

~*~*~*~*~*~

As he drove he hit the steering wheel in frustration. How dare she betray his brother this way, he would make her pay. She doesn't deserve him she never did and now his nephew was in this too. She didn't care about him anyway, she didn't love him or Brian and this proved it. He would track her down and when he did there would be hell to pay. Harold added more pressure to the gas as he speed down the street hell bent on finding his supposedly sister-in-law and giving her a piece of his mind.

Harold recalled the conversation with his cousin just minutes before as he was driving.

“Do you have that bastard's number?” “Yeah...” Kevin handed Harold a slither of off white paper, and sighed. “I really don't think he's going to speak to you, Harry. I mean, face it: what's done is done.” he turned to his cousin, and walked up to him. “You and Brian may be giving up, but I'M not. Do you hear me? I'm going to hunt that 'woman' down, even if it takes forever...”

Those thoughts infiltrated his mind once again as he stepped on the brakes at a red light. How could she do this to Brian? All he EVER did was love her, and treated her with respect, he didn't do anything wrong. He made a right turn and parked near an alley so he can call Nick's number. He takes the phone and paper out, and called.
He sat waiting . . .

“Hey, what's up? This is Nick....you know what to do.” “Damn it...” he tosses his phone to the backseat, and started his car up again. “If I were a snake...where would I hide,” he asked himself as he looked out the window. A thought struck him like lightning. “I know where you are, Deanna....get ready.”

Me and Nick are sitting out on the porch swing looking at one another. God, how I missed this...even if it's something simple, I missed it like nobody's business. I love this man with all my heart, no other man can fill my heart with so much glee. He holds my hand to his chest hiding in a green shirt, and smiles down at me. “I love you...” he whispers to me, and I blush and smile. “I love you, too, Nickolas, more than you'll ever know...” “More?” I nod at him, and hug him tightly. “Why, did you want me to prove that?” I can feel his hand run up and down my leg sensuously, yet sweetly. “Yes...prove it. Right here and now.” “Do I dare turn down THAT invitation?” I ask, and his answer was a sweet, yet longing kiss upon my unexpected lips. Nick laid me backwards on the bench and began leaving hot, feathery kisses upon my neck and collar bone. “Nicky...” I moan out lightly, which was a sign for him to continue. I tell him not to stop, I want more, make me yours...I MISSED saying that to him. Saying those words to Brian, and try to mean what I say was not the same. I think he felt it, but if he did, I didn't give a damn.

I wanted Nick to touch me, I wanted Nick to satiate me in only HE can. Just thinking about our past rendezvous started to drive me nuts, so I deepened the lip lock he had on me. “Just take me now, Lover...” I order him in a lustful tone. I heard wheels screeching from a distance, but I didn't care; I didn't care if anyone watched us. I needed him now more than ever. I can see the driveway in an upside down position and notice a familiar car at a vantage point. “Oh, no....” I say in an ethereal tone. Nick stopped and looked down at my chest, ready to dive in. “What's the matter...?” he asked sweetly. He didn't have to wait for me to answer, for he looked up and saw a tall, dirty blonde man get out of his truck and walk up the pathway. “Oh, shit...” he got off of me and buttoned his shirt up. “What?” I turn around and see Harold approaching us, LIVID. “I knew I'd find you here. Let's go.” I scoot away from him, and into Nick's arms. “No...what do you want? Why can't you leave me alone?” Harold leans down and grabs my arm, “Because I am NOT letting you break Brian's heart, you selfish harlot!”

Nick immediately got furious, how dare he come into his house and insult Deanna...that's just like a Littrell, no respect for anything. "Let her go Harold." "I don't think so...," he looked down at me still gripping my arms "My brother has been worried sick about you, having NO idea as to where you've gone. I should have known you'd be here with his bastard. Why are you even here when you have a husband and a baby at home, huh?" He looked at me and when I didn't answer he repeated himself "I said why Deanna." "Let me go, your hurting me..." I felt his grip tighten and he smiled a wicked smile. "Good serves you right for wanting to be with this lowlife, what you two had is in the past and it should be left there." I struggled against the grip he had on me "NO! I'm not going back there, I won't!" "Well too damn bad because you ARE going back there and I WILL make sure you stay there." "Are you fucking deaf? She said let her go." Harold looked up at Nick, the one thing standing in the way of Brian and Deanna ever making amends. "Stay out of this Carter, this doesn't concern you." "Like hell it doesn't. She made her choice she wants to be here not with your brother, why can't you respect that." "I can't and I won't. I refuse to watch my brother fall apart over this bitch, she's not worth everything he has put into their marriage." I looked up at him "Then why are you so bent on taking me back?" "Because you and him have some things to work out and with Nick being out of the picture things can go back to how they were." I struggled against him and finally broke free backing up towards Nick, I felt his arms wrap around me protectively and Harold sneered. "You can't be serious...Deanna this isn't you. And do you even remember what he did to you in the past? History is bound to repeat itself." "No it's not just face it Harold. I don't want to be with Brian, my place is here with Nick. I love him."

"And my brother doesn't? How could you do this to him, to Christopher? This isn't right and you know it. That child needs his mother, not some girl who's living in a damn fantasy world not knowing what in the hell she wants." "I know that..." "Then why do you wanna stay with him? Don't you miss your son...even a little?" "I do miss him but I don't want to go back there and face Brian, I can't...not after what I've done..." Harold took a deep breath willing himself to calm down. "I can understand that but he deserves an explanation, you've been lying to him...keeping secrets...that's a bad sign." I sighed and looked down at mine and Nicks hands and pushed myself away from him. "Deanna...what are you doing?" "As much as I hate to admit it he's right. Brian deserves an explanation for everything and I'm going to give it to him. You understand, don't you?" "I...you...I mean...," he sighed "Nevermind, just go." "But Nick..." "Just.Go..." I looked at him and saw the hurt expression on his face, I didn't wanna hurt him he's the one I was fighting for in all of this. I walked to him and took his face in my hands making him look at me as I spoke softly. "You know I love you, right?" He nodded. "Then you know this is something I have to do. Please understand...and I'm not leaving you behind, I promise. Once everything works out we'll be together with no boundaries this time, ok?" He nodded again and put his hands over mine and I smiled "I love you Nick...so very much..." Harold looked on at me and Nick hating what he was seeing, she was leading the poor man on. He knew that when she got in that car with him she wasn't coming back, not if he could help it. I leant up and gave him a sweet kiss and whispered "I love you and I'll see you soon." He spoke in the same low voice "I love you too."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Brian was rocking Chris as they waited for news from Harold. Kevin looked over at him and weakly smiled, he knew how much Brian loved Deanna but she never gave him back love in return and it broke his heart to see his cousin in this situation. He hoped it would get better. He looked up when he heard a car pull into the driveway then shut off, he glanced over at Brian who was looking towards the door having heard it too. The door opened and Harold walked in followed by Deanna, I'd have thought that she'd be kicking and screaming but she wasn't she seemed...calm. What the hell was going on?

I looked over at Kevin as soon as I walked through the door, he was not happy to see me. Of course he wasn't I was the woman who was breaking his cousins heart. Then I looked over at Brian who was talking softly to our son, I smiled at the sight he was always so good with him. I walked to him and spoke in a soft voice "Brian...?" He looked up at me then down at our son who was now sleeping peacefully. I sat down on the couch but not too close to him.

Harold motioned Kevin into the kitchen to give us some privacy and once they were in there Kevin wanted to know what happened and what he did to get her to come here. "She was with him wasn't she?" "Yes she was, damn Kev...you should have seen them together. It was disgusting." "I bet..." Harold relayed everything that had happened to Kevin while I tried to talk to Brian.

"Brian....talk to me..." "Why should I?" "Don't be like that, I'm here aren't I?" "Where were you Deanna? And tell me the truth..." "I...," I sighed knowing he knew but decided to tell him anyway "I was with Nick." "I figured as much. Did I do something to make you not love me?" "What? No...you didn't do anything..." He looked at me then and I could see the hurt in his eyes, this was really coming down hard on him. "Then why did you lie to me? If you were having trouble sorting things out you could have come to me instead of going to him..." "Would you really have listened if I wanted to talk about Nick? I really doubted that, that's why I didn't say anything. And as for lying to you...I had no other choice..." "What do you mean you had no other choice? You had a choice you should have told that bastard no." "He's not a bastard..." "To me he is. He took the one thing that kept me going, god Deanna...don't you love us at all? Do you even care if your missing out on your sons life?" I looked down at the baby in his arms...the one I helped create...the one who looked just like Brian and sighed. "I do care..." "Well your certainly aren't acting like it. I need a wife, not some little girl who wants to roam the streets with a sorry excuse of a man and Christopher needs his mother. We both need you, I need you." I looked down and suddenly felt horrible for everything I've done, I was only worried about getting Nick back that I didn't even bother taking Brians feelings into consideration. "What do we do now?" "I haven't figured that out yet, but I'm not forgiving you for what you did. That is unforgiveable, but...if your willing to work things out then I guess I am too." "Your saying...that you..." "I know I'm gonna regret this but I love you Deanna...and if I have to fight to keep you then thats what I'll do." I really didn't know what to say to that, here I was the cheating wife and he was willing to give me another chance. One I knew I didn't deserve but still wanted nonetheless. I scooted closer to him and helds my arms out. "Can I hold him?" Brian handed him over and Chris stirred for a minute then lay still. I weakly smiled down at him and thumbed his little hand "Mommy's so sorry Chris...I never meant to abandon you. I love you...and your Daddy...we just have to find our way again, that's all." I stroked his hair as he slept and felts tears in my eyes, I turned to Brian letting them fall. "I am so sorry..."

Brian knew she deserved to feel that way, after what she put him through but he didn't want to see her cry. He reached out his hand and thumbed her cheek "Don't cry we'll work this out, together." I nodded and weakly smiled. Even though what she did was wrong he still loved her, loved her enough to take her back, and loved her enough to move on from all of this. "Here...let me take him..." "I just wanna hold him..." "I know...you can hold him later, let me take him upstairs and then we can talk some more, ok?" "Alright...I'm not going anywhere..." Brian took the baby from my arms and got up taking him upstairs.

Harold and Kevin had heard everything and Harold couldn't help but feel like she was getting off too easily, but this was Brians choice. And he knew how much he loved her and he just hoped that in time things will go back to the way they once were, without Nick in the picture.

It's been a few days since the whole Nick incident and things are slowly getting back to normal. After Deanna went to bed that night I had a long talk with Harold and Kevin. Both of which think I'm letting her off the hook a little too easily, but what can I say? I love the woman. I know I shouldn't forgive her but I can't help but to. That woman means everything to me and I've worked too damn hard to get where we're at. I refuse to let Nick ruin what I've built up in her, he can't mess with her head anymore.

But there is always that little voice in the back of my head chanting 'She'll do it again Brian, just wait.' I try to ignore it really I do but my feelings for Deanna always win out, they always have. My brother and cousin think that I give her too much freedom and maybe they're right. I do give her too much but I try to trust her but it gets harder everyday.

Sometimes I just wanna know what shes thinking, if shes even thinking of me or Chris for that matter. I know she apologized but a part of me is still ticked at the little stunt she pulled. I mean really why would you sneak out to see an ex, Nick for that matter? He isn't worth her energy or time. If it wasn't for him she'd still be that same girl he introduced us to years ago. But thanks to him and his selfish ways she never will be. I'm actually thankful it was Harold and not me that went after her, I think if it had been me that boy would be lying in a ditch somewhere. And to think I once called him my best friend? HA let me laugh! As I sit back in my recliner I think back to our conversation...

The Night Before

After tucking Chris into bed I came back downstairs and was shocked to see she was still there. I had half expected her to run out like she did a few days before but there she was sitting on the couch apparantly lost in thought. I stood in the archway of the living room and just watched her for a few moments.

She was still mine, My Deanna...the only problem was, how do I get her to open up to me? I was about to attempt just that. I walked into the room and sat next to her startling her from her thoughts.

"I honestly thought you'd leave again."

"You did? Look about that I..."

I quickly shushed her "No...none of that...let's forget about it, alright?"

"But I basically abandoned you and our son."

"I know but you're here now even though it took some forcing..."

She looked up at me and she never looked more beautiful, I smiled but she didn't return it.

"Something on your mind?"

"Why are you with me?"

"What?"

"I said...why are you with me?"

Well that was straight to the point wasn't it? Why did I love her? Seems like that list gets shorter eachday.
"Why do you think? I love you Deanna, you know that."

"Do I? I don't even know what love is...if I did I wouldn't keep hurting you."

"Stop that, you hear me? Whatever he has done to you and your head it's over. I know you still have feelings for him he was your first love and I understand that. But you can't keep running to him. You have a family now, a husband who loves you dearly and a son who needs his mother. I know he hurt you but god Deanna you can't let him be your whole life. I'm your life now, me and Chris." I held her hands and she smiled.

"I know...and I'm so sorry for what I've done, I don't deserve you..."

"Yes you do. You deserve to be loved, everyone deserves that. You just have this warped image of what love is and what you had with Nick wasn't love. This is love. What I feel for you is love and I just want that feeling returned. I want to know that I'm the one your thinking about."

"You are. It's just..."

I sit back in the chair and look over at her with my hands folded, and solemnity in my eyes. "It's just what, Deanna? Please, I need to know."

She looks at me, her eyes a solid blue, but there's something I noticed when I see them at this moment: they didn't luster.

"I still have strong feelings for--"

I place a finger to her lips, "Don't say his name. You just have to realize the fact that you cannot go back to him. Promise me that you won't leave me again for him..."

I hated to beg, Lord knows I don't, but if that's what I have to do to make this woman stay in my life, then so be it. I could care less of my own damn pride.

"I promise..."

"What?"

She looks at me again, but still, her ocean blue eyes didn't luster. I knew that what she was going to utter out next wasn't the truth.

"I said, I promise, Brian...I won't leave you for Nick again...You have me at my word."

"Do I? Should I really trust you on that?"

She nods affirmatively towards me, but that wasn't enough.

"I need you to tell me that. Should I trust you on this?"

"Why are you griping me over this, Brian?"

"I'm not griping you, I just--" I stand up and walk over to the window, resting my forehead against the wall. My hands were flattened upon the wall as well, and I sigh incoherently.

"I'm not griping you, Deanna...nodding and shaking your head isn't telling me anything, alright?" I turn my head around adjacent towards her; she was still sitting on the couch. Her eyes were burning through my back with such intent, I had to turn back around to face her again.

"Even though I love you with all my heart and soul, I still have to be sure if you're going to be with me in the long run."

I see her approach me with open arms. I respond to her by doing the same, and envelop her in a tight embrace. I then felt her warm tears fall upon my tee, staining and bleeding through it, as well as my soul.

"I'm so sorry, Brian...I'm so sorry..." she clings onto me as she cries harder; right then, I felt my own tears stinging my eyes, quivering for an escape and free fall to my cold cheeks.

"Don't...don't cry, baby...it's gonna be alright...remember, we're in this together..."

She simply nodded against my chest as I held her tighter. This woman was taking me through a whirlwind of emotions lately.

As I sit here and think about last night I can't help but get the feeling that it was all a ploy, a lie to calm me. But I will not remain calm, I'm not going to let go of her that easily. If Nick wants her that badly he can try with all his might to take her from me but he will not suceed.

So I did the only thing I could think of, I called the one person who might be able to knock some sense into her...that is if she's willing to help. I picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number, she answered after the first ring.

"Hello...?"

"Krissie it's me...I need your help..."

* Brian's Point Of View *

Not that I don't love my wifes best friend, because I do I just think it's wrong that I had to resort to calling her all because Deanna was too damn stubborn to listen to reason. Since that fateful day Harold brought her home she's done nothing but mope about the house and it's sickening. She won't go near Chris or me for that matter. What kind of hold does that man have on her and what are we going to have to do to break it? Only one way to find out. Krissie had agreed to come over and attempt to talk some sense into her it worked once before that was before Deanna claimed she still loved that lowlife. I mean honestly, why do women stay with men who verbally and physically abuse them? I'll never know.

I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard a soft knock on the front door. Deanna had no idea she was coming, boy was she in for a shock. I opened the door and let out a sigh of relieve at the one person who might be able to bring my wife back.

"Thank you so much for this." "What are friends for? If anyone can get through to her it's me...speaking of her where is she?" I closed the door and lead her into the foyer "Upstairs in the same place she always is. In our room sitting at the window mumbling about how I'm keeping her prisoner and how she still loves him." I scoffed at the idea of her being with him. "Brian...relax...I'm glad you called me..." "So am I and I didn't know where else to turn. You truely are a life saver Kris."

She smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back, the first real one in a long time. "Before I talk to her where's that adorable little boy of yours? I haven't seen him in forever." I laughed a bit she really did love Christopher even though his own mother didn't, she was his godmother after all. "He's taking a nap at the moment but once he gets up you can see him." "Sweet! That'll be awesome." Her face fell a bit at the thought of what she was about to do "Let's get this over with."

I lead her upstairs and down the hall to our room and softly opened the door, she followed me in and her eyes strayed to the window where Deanna was in fact sitting. She placed her hand on my arm and gave me a soft smile "I got it go on downstairs and relax a bit, ok?" I glanced at my wife for a moment then at her "Alright..." I left then closed the door behind me leaving Krissie and Deanna alone. All hell was about to break loose, I just had this gut feeling.

* Krissie's Point of View *

Once Brian left I felt a bit uneasy being in the same room as her, I could feel the tension in the room. And I didn't like it. I really felt for Brian it's a shame really here was this great man that loved and adored her and yet she chose to continue to love someone who wasn't worth her time. I sighed then took a step forward.

"Deanna, why are you doing this?" She didn't even turn to look at me as she replied "Doing what?" "What do you mean doing what? Hurting Brian? Abandoning Chris? The list just goes on..." She looked down at her hands which were nestled in her lap "I don't know..." "Oh don't give me that. He doesn't deserve this and you know it." "Well what am I supposed to do? I love Brian I do but I'm just not IN love with him anymore." "Anymore? How about you try never? You never loved him, you only wanted a substitute and replacement for when Nick wasn't around. Can you honestly tell me that as long as you've been with him, all you've been though that you don't love him at all?"

She looked up at me then, her turquiose blue eyes burning right through me. "But I do love him..." "You have a funny way of showing it." "Krissie, please..." "No. I'm only here as a request to Brian, if he hadn't called me I wouldn't even be here. But I'm his friend and I care about him which you obviously don't. And don't think I don't know about your little rendevous with Nick. Oh I know. I witnessed it with my own two eyes." "How...?" "I caught you both red handed granted your curtains were wide open and anyone could have seen you...it disgusted me so much to see you with him..." "Then why didn't you speak up and say something?" "Because it wasn't my place to say anything, you were the one cheating...you were the one that had to come clean. And you only came clean when Harold showed up and had to drag you away from him."

She looked down again and I knew...I just KNEW the next words she was going to say. I held up my hand letting her know that I did not want to hear it. "But..." "No. Please don't say it." "But...I love him..." I sighed "I just knew you were going to say that." "But I do..." "No you don't. Love isn't hitting you. Love isn't calling you every bad name there is. What you two had wasn't love and when are you going to realize that?" "I don't care what you say, I DO love him."

I placed my hand to my forehead and sighed again we were getting nowhere. "And what about Christopher?" "What about him?" "Well according to Brian since your return you haven't looked at or even held him...care to explain why..." "I..." "You can't even justify why you won't hold your own son?" I shake my head "You really are a lost cause..." "You really think that?" "Right now? Yes. All Brian has ever done was love you and this is how you repay him? By going back to the one person who dragged you to the deepest pits of hell?"

I knew what I said was getting to her she just wasn't showing it "I know you hear me. Would you just give him a chance, please?" "But..." "No buts. I want you for once in your life to think about your husband and your son rather than yourself. I want you to forget Nick Carter ever existed and that you were ever together." "I can't." This girl was really pushing my buttons and all I wanted to do was smack her, maybe then she'd listen.

I watched as she turned to look out the window again. "So that's it? Your giving up everything you've worked for up?" "I'm not giving up..." "Then what do you call this? Because the way I see it, it looks to me like your giving up. Like you don't even care. If I was in Brian's shoes I would have gotten rid of you the first time you screwed up, but that man loves you so much and your giving back so little." She continued to look out the window not saying anything, at this point I didn't even know if she was still listening to me or not. Not that it really mattered because no matter what I said she would always go running back to him, just thinking his name made me cringe. I really hated that man with a passion. I glanced at her one last time before turning around and leaving not wanting to see her depressed over that man.

I closed the door and made my way downstairs not seeing Brian anywhere, so I called out for him "Brian?" "In here..." He was in the kitchen, I walked towards the door and pushed it open and saw him sitting at the table with his hands wrapped around a coffee mug. "It didn't do any good did it...?" "Well, to tell you the truth..." He looked up at me then, his eyes a bit misty. "Just tell me Krissie..." I sighed and walked to the table taking a seat across from him "She wouldn't listen to reason, it was like I wasn't even there. Now I get what you were saying earlier...she's like a zombie, and I can't believe she's still pining for him. It's sick."

I watched as he let go of the mug and ran his hands over his face and I could see the tears escaping. That woman really was a piece of work, this man was going crazy at the thought of losing her and she didn't even care. He lowered his hands and I could hear him softly sniffle "Why do I even bother...?" I reached across the table and placed my hand on his "Don't talk like that...the Deanna we know and love is in there somewhere, we just have a bit of work to do to get her back." "I'm so tired Kris...I really am..." I never thought but somewhat expected him to give up on her at some point, maybe it really was too late "I know...and I hate seeing her hurt you like this...you and Chris both." He softly smiled and I thumbed his hand "Things will work out..." "What if they don't...?" "Why don't we worry about that when the time comes ok?" He nodded and placed his other hand on top of mine keeping my hand in between his. "Thank you...I don't know how I'd ever get through this without you."

I weakly smiled but the smile faded when I heard the floor creak outside of the kitchen. I watched as Brian got up and walked to the door slowly opening it, I walked up behind him and peeked out. 'So she did take my advice' I thought as I watched her cradle her newborn son and coo at him. I looked up at Brian not sure how he was gonna take seeing the sight of his wife holding their baby for the first time in days.

The smile that graced his face was enough to calm me...for now. Hopefully she was taking a step in the right direction.

* Brians Point of View *

The next few weeks were tough but I could see the old Deanna coming through and that's what kept me going. Sometimes when she thought I wasn't looking she'd zone off into her own little world then come back smiling as if she were here the whole time. Those times scared me. When she zoned out like that was she thinking of him? I sure hoped not, we were making such great progress.

I caught myself staring sometimes not quite knowing why...seeing her with our son again, seeing how happy she was, it made me happy. But I couldn't help but wonder if she really loved me like she said she did. There are times I think she loves me and others when I think she just doesn't care. From the outside she looks normal and you would never think that anything was wrong, but I'm sure inside the demons were raging to come out.

And even though I shouldn't, I felt sorry for her. I felt sorry for every wrong thing Nick had ever done or said to her. If it wasn't for him my wife wouldn't be how she is now, god...I remember when Nick first introduced us to her she was so happy and so full of life. That's the woman I fell in love with, but this woman...this girl...wasn't my Deanna and thanks to him she never would be.


* My Point of View *

It's been a few weeks since Krissie came to talk to me and I was thinking over everything she said. Maybe she was right...why was I holding on when it was hopeless? I still asked myself that sometimes...then I'd catch Brian stealing glances and smile. I didn't deserve him, I didn't deserve the smiles or the kisses he gave me, and I certainly didn't deserve our son. He was the innocent one in all of this, I just hope that when he's older he'll be able to forgive me for hurting his father the way I did. I looked down at him laying in my lap and smiled he was so much like Brian. I held his little hands and he smiled up at me, despite everything my baby still knows who I am...thank god. I just need to push all of this behind me and move on, but that's easier said than done.

The days dragged on and I kept getting sick, I couldn't figure it out. One minute I was fine and the next I was running for the bathroom. Maybe I caught that awful flu bug that's been going around. Once I finished puking up my lunch I flushed the toilet then turned to look at my reflection in the mirror, I looked awful and I felt as bad as I looked. I flipped the light off as I walked out of the bathroom.

"Still sick?" I glanced up at the sound of my husbands voice and nodded "Yeah...I don't know what's wrong..." He walked over to me and placed his hand to my forehead "You do feel a little warm...why don't you go lay down on the couch? And I'll make you something to help settle your stomach." "I think I'll do that...thank you..." "Don't mention it, now go on." I walked past him and went downstairs quickly laying down like he told me, I didn't feel as dizzy as I had a few minutes ago. I looked up at the ceiling and rested my hands on my stomach. I drifted off and thoughts of the last time Nick and I were together plagued my mind, I smiled happy to see him even if it was only in my dreams.

I opened my eyes suddenly, a realization hitting me. I sat up a little quicker than I should have and had to hold onto something to keep me from falling. I got up and walked into the kitchen and glanced at the calendar, I always kept track of my cycle the doctor said it's the best way to remember. I counted backwards in my head then once more and my breath caught in my throat. There's no way Brian and I haven't...then it hit me if I was indeed pregnant there's only one other person to consider. I smiled as I dropped my hands to my stomach, this could be what Nick and I needed to come back together.

Hearing footsteps I quickly made my way into the living room and laid on the couch pretending to be asleep. For now I would play the charade of being sick until I could find out for sure. I felt Brian's hand feel my forehead again then heard his soft voice.

"Hey...you awake...?" I opened my eyes and looked up at him then sat up with his help, I sniffed at what he was holding. "What's that?" "An old family remedy, try it it might help." I took the mug from him and sipped, this was really good. "Mmm...I can feel it warming me up, an old family remedy you say...?" "Yup. I called my Mom and asked what I could make to help you and that's what she gave me." "Thank you and it doesn't taste half bad." He smiled as I sipped some more. I didn't dare bring up what I had realized just moments before, this was gonna be my little secret for the time being.

Keeping this news to myself was killing me, I so desperately wanted to tell somebody but I knew that now wasn't the time. I don't think Brian has suspected anything and I'm hoping it stays that way. I had made an appointment with my doctor just to be sure, I was pretty sure I was but rather see it to believe it right? I told Brian I was going to the doctor which wasn't a total lie just the part about what kind of doctor I was going to see. I thought about how I would tell Nick and how he would take the news. I know the topic of children never came up much with him but I definitely knew that if it was his I was keeping it no questions asked.

So here I am sitting in a doctors office waiting to be seen. I glanced over the magazine I was reading to see a young couple both smiling as the guy placed his hand on her stomach, I feinly smiled. Would that be Nick and me? I sure hoped so I couldn't imagine doing this without him. I sighed to myself then having another vision of me telling Nick my news, I cringed at the thought then shook my head 'No that won't be us, he'll be so happy about me carrying his baby...I know he will...'

"Deanna Littrell?" I looked over at the open door when I heard my name called, I sat the magazine down on the table and got up following the doctor back to the examination room. I sat on the table and looked over at the doctor. He started asking the usual questions: the day of my last cycle, how long I've been feeling like this, if I had taken a pregnancy test. "Actually no I've been pregnant before and I remember how I felt with my son and lately I've been feeling achy, dizzy, sick..." "I see. Well why don't you lie down and we'll take a look." I scooted back and layed down on the bed and took a deep breath as he pressed down on my abdomen.

"I can defeinitely feel it but I'd like to do a ultrasound just to be sure." "Alright..." I lifted my shirt as instructed and shivered as he squirted the cold jelly on my stomach, I then moved my head to face the ultrasound machine as he sat down and flipped it on. He placed the scope on my stomach and moved it around a bit and smiled "You were right Mrs. Littrell there is indeed a little baby in there..." He turned the screen towards me and I smiled as I saw my baby on the screen and heard the sound of it's heart. "Now let's see if we can tell how far along you are..." He pressed some buttons then I saw him slowly moving his lips, doing the math in his head I guessed. "By the looks of this I'd say your 2 to 3 weeks, give or take a day or two and..."

I saw him look at the screen a little closer "Hold on...well now would you look at that, not only are you carrying one baby but two." "Tw...two...?" He smiled at my expression "Yes, two I'm sure your husband would love to hear this kind of news." "Yeah...my husband..." I bit my lip as I looked at the screen. I listened as he told me the date of conception then I knew that these two babies weren't Brians, they were Nicks.

What was I going to do...?

I sat in my car still not quite believing I was carrying two babies...twins. I sighed as I leaned forward and rested my forehead against the steering wheel. This really put me in a bind. How the hell was I going to tell Brian that I'm carrying Nick's children? He'll be devasted. And what about Nick? Oh god...I don't even know if he'd welcome the idea. I took a deep breath and started the car up heading for home. The whole ride home I couldn't help but think about the prediciment I was now in. This was like one of those movies I'd watched on lifetime, I was the cheating wife who was now carrying her lovers children. And if I remembered correctly those movies never had a happy ending. I had to figure out what I was going to do, there was one thing for certain I wasn't killing my unborn children. Not for Brian, not for anyone. But Nick did deserve to know, deserved to know he was going to be a father no matter how much he may detest the idea.

I sighed as I pulled into the driveway and shut the car off I saw Brian standing in the doorway awaiting my arrival and I couldn't help but smile. I was so lucky to have a man as caring as him but lord knows I didn't deserve anything I had, not by a long shot. I got out of the car and shut the door and made my way up to my waiting husband. "Well...what did he say...?" "He said it's not the flu but he did recommend I take it easy just in case it's something worse..." I saw the way he was looking at me and instantly recognized that look, he knew something was bothering me. "You okay? You look like somethings bothering you..." I smiled "I'm fine just a little worn out is all. I think I'll go lay down for a little while..." He grabbed my hand and led me into the house, he closed the door then proceeded to lead me upstairs. He opened the door to our bedroom and ushered me in, he pulled me close and looked down at me "If somethings bothering you, you can tell me..."

I wasn't really in the mood to talk so I did what I always did when I was trying to avoid something, I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled against his chest. I smiled as he held me back I had to admit this felt nice and right then it was just what I needed. "Can you just hold me?" I heard his soft voice from above me "Of course sweetheart..." He always knew what to say to make me feel better it was one of the things that made me fall for him in the beginning. Sometimes I wondered what might have been if I hadn't held onto Nick for so long. I still wasn't so sure about telling Nick so for now I'll just let it take it's course and hope for the best. But for now I was enjoying the attention my husband was showing me.

Ever since that fateful trip to the doctors office Brian and I have made quite a bit of progress. He was learning to trust me again and I was learning to love him again. Everything just seemed right. That night as we lay snuggled together in our bed an idea came to me, something I was wrong for thinking but hoping would work. Maybe if I could play it so I 'suddenly' popped up pregnant he would think they were his, but believe it or not I didn't want to lie to him. I was so tired of lying maybe things wouldn't be so bad and it's not like Nick had tried to contact me since that day I left him on his porch. But could Brian love another mans children? Even if those children belonged to someone he despised? I was willing to take that chance and he had to know that me getting pregnant was a possibility, right? I sighed as I snuggled against him more, I felt his hand softly rubbing my back which caused me to smile. It'd been so long since we lay together like this it really took me back to when we first got married, what was wrong with me? Was I falling for him again? I leaned my head back and looked up at him just admiring the way he looked right then.

Then that's when I realized that I did love him. This was different than when I was with Nick though, with him I got butterflies in my stomach but with Brian his every touch, every word had me going crazy. That was love and I was finally getting what Krissie had said about Nick just being a phase, a crush, an infatuation.

I didn't think about what I was going to do I couldn't do that to him, I just couldn't. I was hoping luck would be on my side just this once. As I made my way downstairs and I could hear Brian's voice but who was he talking to? I peeked my head into the room and saw him sitting in the chair the phone to his ear. "Oh us? We're doing good...at least I hope so..." "You hope so? Brian what has she done now?" "Nothing...not that I know of...but I can't help but think that she's hiding something, like there's something she knows that I don't..." "Huh. Well why don't you ask her?" "I don't want her to think I'm prying..." "She's your wife you have every right to pry and after what she's done..." "Krissie please..." "I'm sorry but she doesn't deserve you, she never did. That's how I feel." "I know and you have every right to be angry at her but I love her and she needs me, I can't let her fall into his grasp again..." "It's not your place, not anymore. She hurt you in the worst way and I don't understand why your still with her." "She loves me I know she does I just have to work a little harder to ge ther to open up is all..." "Good luck with that. If you need anything me and Howie are only a phone call away..." "I know and I appreciate it, thank you..." "No problem, listen I gotta get going...call me back if you get any info ok?" "Can do, bye Kris."

I watched as he hung up the phone then leaned forwrad and ran his hands over his face. I had to tell him even if that meant we were really done I had to. I decided then to make myself known. I walked into the room and sat down on the couch, he looked up when he heard me. "Hey baby..." "Hey..." I looked down at the couch not quite sure how to approach the subject. "I overheard you talking to Krissie..." He raised an eyebrow "Oh?" "Yeah, but I wasn't eavesdropping, not exactly..." "So you heard us talking, was there something you wanted to tell me?" I took a deep breath and lifted my head up and looked over at him about to tell him my secret but the words just wouldn't come out. The look on his face was enough to break my heart, there was no way that he could ever know that I was carrying Nick's babies. That would certainly be the end of him. I heard him softly say my name and I felt his hand on mine, I looked down at our hands then up at him.

"She's right. I don't deserve you." "What? Don't you say that." "But it's true all I ever do is hurt you and it's killing me, I just...I'm trying to move past all this but it's hard." "How is it hard? All you have to do is let go of him. Please Deanna just let go before it's too late." "You'll help me, won't you...?" He smiled then squeezing my hand that was still in his "I'll do whatever it takes." "And for the record I do love you maybe not the way I should but I'm getting there. Don't give up on me." "I'm not ever going to give up on you, the vows I took the day we got married emant something to me it still does. I promised to love you and be by your side through anything come hell or high water and that's what I'm going to do. I'm not letting you go without a fight." I reached up and softly touched his face "Thank you for not giving up on me..." He kissed my hand and pulled me close, I instinctively snuggled against his chest and couldn't help but smile. I was so lucky to have someone as loving and caring as Brian and I was going to make it up to him no matter what.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Got a million reasons to run and hide
I don't blame you for being scared, for being scared, no
Write a novel on all the pain that he's caused you baby
I'm fully aware, I'm fully aware

If I could change the storys ending to me and you
Don't know the meaning of pretending of what to do

I can be the one
Give you all the love
Forget what he has done to you I'm here now
Open up to me
Love will set you free
If ever you believe
Then please believe in me

This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us

Let the world know baby, This is us

This Is Us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us

Let the world know baby, This is us

I know everything isn't meant to last
Box up all those photographs
Your moving on, yeah
I could flip back over that hourglass
And refill the better half, the better half

And it's a miracle how broken hearts can mend
Won't you dry up all those teardrops and start again

I can be the one
Give you all the love
Forget what he has done to you I'm here now
Open up to me
Love will set you free
If ever you believe
Then please believe in me

This Is Us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us

Let the world know baby, This is us

This Is Us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us

Let the world know baby, This is us

If I can show you there's no risk in being left alone
Would you let your past go?
I'll take it slow cause there's no need to rush
When I know...

I can be the one
Give you all the love
Forget what he has done to you I'm here now
Open up to me
Love will set you free
If ever you believe
Then please believe in me

This Is Us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us

Let the world know baby, This is us

This Is Us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us, This is us

Let the world know baby, This is us

Song and Lyrics: Backstreet Boys, This Is Us