For the first in a long time did Valerie feel the adrenaline going? She had allowed AJ into her room more like snuck him in, when her big sister was sleeping in the room across. “You have to be super quiet you understand?” she told him as she pushed him on the bed. “I’ll be right back,” she finished as she grabbed her PJ’s.
AJ watched as she disappeared into her bathroom, had he seen right or was she still sleeping in his shirt. He sighed in frustration as he lay back down on her bed; he smiled at least this time he would feel much more comfortable hugging her. The other time he had stayed here it was with boundaries, but not tonight. “Helloooo….” He said winking at her as she walked out. “You look more beautiful without make up,” he whispered as he sat up raising his hand to her so she could come toward him.
“Quit trying to make me feel weird,” she whispered to him as she sat in front him.
“Why would that make you feel weird? I am being honest,” he told her brushing his lips on hers and then caressing her face. “You…” he kissed her forehead, “are…” he kissed the tip of her nose, “beautiful,” he finished taking her lips with his.
She smiled inside as she was swept by AJ’s kisses. Why was it that when he told her she was beautiful she actually did feel beautiful….at least most of the time anyway. She stopped the kiss and stared into his eyes, “AJ…” she sighed as she continued to stare at his eyes.
He knew she was about to say something he might not like by the way she was staring at him, her stare was intense and it told him that whatever she was about to say was very important to her, “yeah?” he asked in a whisper as he took a strand of her hair away from her face.
“Can I ask you something?” she asked closing her eyes as she felt his hand on her face.
“Yes anything babe,” he told her his lips so close to hers again. He knew better than to kiss her though now he wanted to know what she had in her mind.
She opened her eyes and took a deep breath, “I need to know that this is not just a pastime for you. I don’t want to fall head over heels for you and then you shatter my heart in a mere second. Leave all the flirting aside and the great times we’ve had so far. Do you really think this will work? Could you really see yourself with someone like me?” she searched for the answer in his eyes and saw the pain her questions had caused in his eyes.
He had to swallow hard to not get mad at her question; it was a pretty valid question. She was scared of what could happen between them. He was sure she knew about his history with his ex-relationships if not by the media by Howie for sure. He was more disappointed by it though, hadn't he been clear to her the other night on the boat? He sighed heavily and drew a distance between them, “I…” he took a deep breath remembering his need to be super quiet so that Sandy wouldn’t hear. “Val I would be grateful of you if you gave me the chance to prove to you this is real. I think we have a lot in common to make this relationship work…but,” he stared at her intently and saw the look on her eyes. “If you can’t handle what is sure to come when our relationship goes public, I can understand.”
Valerie looked away could she handle it? The scrutiny of his fans and the media, she could almost hear what they would say about her. “I don’t know…” she mumbled trying not to see him.
AJ sighed and slowly walked to her, “Val one thing I know for sure and that is that I don’t want you to hurt…so let’s forget all this ever happened ok? I don’t want to see you unhappy…” he kissed her softly on the forehead and walked toward the door.
“Wait,” she said quietly but yet she saw him stop. “Where are you going?” she asked looking at him in confusion.
AJ turned around and spoke, “I am doing the right thing and I am backing away. See you around Val,” with that he softly opened the door and walked away.
She wanted to run and stop him but she couldn’t, was he right? She couldn’t see herself with him…he was too good to be true for her anyways. She grinded her teeth in disappointment as she heard the light creak as the main door opened. She forced herself to go lock it.
“Vals?” Sandy called out as she opened the door to her room.
”Yeah it’s me I was just making sure I had locked the door,” Val told her as she walked back toward her room.
******
“Ok seriously…spit it out AJ what’s bothering you?” Chris said as he caught up with him as the exited the golf club.
AJ didn’t bother to speak he just began to shove his golf clubs into his car. Finally he sighed heavily and spoke, “I just needed a distraction today…so I wouldn’t run back to Val,” he said as he turned around and faced his friend. “I ended it last night; she clearly is not going to be able to handle a relationship with me.”
Chris sighed and looked at his friend, “She let you go just like that?” he asked.
“Yes…she is not ready and I don’t want to hurt her. She has enough issues as it is and I don’t want her to have one more because of me.” he sighed because he really did feel some sort of connection to her.
“But are you going to able to handle it? You will definitely see her often she is Howie’s friend.” Chris told him as he sat in the passenger’s seat of AJ’s car.
“Well not for long…we are almost done with the album which means a tour is soon to be coming and then I can always use the excuse that I don’t like her to get out of any plans the include her…everyone knows we’ve hated each other for a while.” AJ said not truly believing it himself but he could do it. Kevin once had said that Nick and he were the two most likely to fall in love at first sight from the group. Maybe he was right, he could possibly find someone.
“I guess whatever suits you buddy,” Chris said looking at his friend.
“I’m not mad at her…just hurt that she would think I couldn’t like her for the right reasons. Do I really look that shallow?” AJ asked as he sped away.
********
She deserved a day off right? It was her first call pretending to be sick. She needed it cause she no longer could pretend she was ok. She was tired of lying to her friends that she was sad because of Sandy leaving, the truth was she was mad at herself for hurting AJ. But she had done the right thing right? AJ deserved someone more graceful and poise beside him not a fat clumsy pig. “AJ,” she sighed as she looked at herself in the mirror.
Three days ago she had let him walk away from her life. He had not called, she had hurt him deeply. “Why can’t I look more like Sandy?” she asked herself looking into the mirror. She was big in every aspect, she was freaking 5’9 and her hands were always bigger than any other girl she had met. She cringed as she remembered her mother tease her about her being able to sleep standing and not fall.
It had never really bugged when she was younger it kept the bullies away. She could have been considered a bully actually back then…she sort of was. But now she hated it. Back then it was actually sort of good she could pass as someone older, but now she just looked like a morbid obese woman. Howie was right she could try all she wanted but she would never be able to be like Sandy. She felt her stomach churn as she mentally pictured her sister… naturally tan and at 5’5. Her big eyes and nice small curves, why was it that she had to get the bad genes?
“Hello,” she finally answered her cell phone.
“Val,” Howie said into the phone. “Are you working?” he asked.
“No…I uh didn’t feel well today so I called in,” she told Howie.
“Well then never mind… you rest.” Howie said with a brotherly tone. “At least you got sick after your test… if not you might have failed.”
“Yeah I guess that’s a good thing… were you going to invite me over?” she asked him curious to why he had called.
“Well yeah sort of I know how blue you’ve been since Sandy left so Leigh thought you would like to come over for dinner and a movie. But I will let her know you are sick don’t worry about it.” Howie told her in a sincere tone.
“Thanks Howie anyway. Maybe tomorrow I can go over for a while.” She said.
“I… well actually I will be at the studio till very late,” Howie said sighing heavily. “But Leigh will be here maybe you two could have a nice brunch,” he said.
“Yeah I’ll call her tomorrow,” she told him as she continued to stare at herself in the mirror disgusted with how she looked. “Bye” she mumbled into the phone and hung up.
She put on her sweats and went for a well deserved run, three days without food probably hadn't done much so a few laps around the park could help. Water she liked though so she drank herself a couple of glasses and left to her now routine. Maybe she could also save and get some surgery done.
*********
“Shit!” AJ said taking off his headphones and walking out of the recording studio. “I need a smoke,” AJ said not waiting for any comments to his horrible mood.
“Ok,” Nick said standing up… “I guess I’ll go next then. He apparently needs a minute,” he said to the startled producer.
Howie smiled at Nick and then walked toward where AJ had left to…he found him smoking away. “So you want to talk about it?” he asked patting his friend on the shoulder.
“Not really but you won’t leave me till I do…” AJ said exhaling the smoke.
“Good point,” Howie said.
“Have you ever felt like you had done something right yet you regret it?” he asked Howie.
“Yeah I can think of a couple of things why?”
“Because that’s exactly how I feel right now…I know that I did the right thing, but I can’t seem to like that choice. I wish I could go back to when I was making that decision maybe I wouldn’t have made the right choice.” AJ said as he finished his smoke.
“Are you going to tell me what has you thinking like this?” Howie asked a little concerned thinking he was talking about his past demons.
“Relax it’s not what you think, but I don’t think you’ll get anything else out of me for today.” AJ told him eying his friend. “I just need more time I guess.”
********
“Thanks for lunch Leigh I really enjoyed it,” Valerie said as she took a seat with little James in her arms.
“I am glad you’re feeling better even if you do look a little pale actually.” Leigh said staring at her intently. “As well as you didn’t really touch your food today.”
“I already told you I am still a little nauseous that’s why,” Valerie lied as she ignored Leigh’s stare by playing with little James. “How’s everyone?”
“You mean Howie?” Leigh asked.
“Yeah of course and the rest of the guys aren’t they like about to come out with another album?” Valerie asked when really she just wanted to make sure AJ was ok.
“Yeah there all good, but it seems AJ is the one little anxious for the tour dates to be set.”
To think that was all her fault, she swallowed hard, “He is ready to get all the girls attention again,” she said trying not to sound jealous.
“I don’t know Val he actually has changed. Usually he’s hanging with Brian and his family when on tour…he says Brian helps him. Keeps him sane, those are his words. He’s really not what the media paints him to be he’s changed.” Leigh said reaching to take her son back.
Chapter End Notes:
three more up...please let me know what you think.
