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July 6, 2010
Time: 12:00pm
Location: on a plane heading back to my hometown.
Emotion: Empty and sad.

Here I am on a plane to my hometown, Clewiston Florida. I don’t know what to expect when I get there. I know the rest of my brothers and sisters will be there or arriving just like me. I am the only one flying in though, since I am the only one that lives outside of Florida.

Not even two years after my father’s death I am back to this place. This time it’s for my sisters and brother in law’s funeral. I still remember clearly the call I got just the night before. I had just gone to sleep after working on my paper. It was mom’s voice I knew it as soon as I heard her voice it was not good news. “Mattie you need to come home its Emmy she’s gone.” That’s all I remember hearing clearly before she began to cry non stop. I booked a flight at that time to West Palm Beach International Airport.

I cried when my father died I did… but Emmy? It has hit me hard; she was my favorite sister I guess you can say. She is only two years older than me. I am even Evelyn’s godmother, so I know I was her favorite too. I was the one to introduce her to Bruce.

I don’t know how I am going to handle this situation, I have been drinking red bull non stop to stay awake because I am afraid of closing my eyes and seeing her. I am dreading this so much and now that I hear that we are about to land I can feel my heart begin to race. I know that I will soon see Sean and I will not be able to control my tears.

I have to go but I’ll be back to tell you how it all went, my arrival to my house. I can tell you right now it might not be a good one. I am not prepared for this… I don’t know if I will be able to face Evelyn and tell her everything is going to be ok when her mommy is no longer here.

Mattie

******

Mattie put on her sunglasses as she saw her brother Sean with red eyes standing there waiting for her. “Hey Mattie,” he spoke as he hugged her sobbing as he felt her embrace.

“How’s Evelyn?” Mattie asked as she realized that it must be really bad back at home if her brother Sean was crying. Sean was not one to cry easily.

“She won’t leave mom’s side at all.” Sean said as he helped his sister with the luggage.

“Let’s go we still have an hour drive.” Mattie said as she intertwined her arm around her brother’s.

The ride was silent till Sean sighed and looked over to her sister. “They have a will there lawyer is going to read to us.” He said trying to make conversation with his sister. He worried about Mattie the most, well everyone did. Maybe because Mattie was the one in the family who has yet to marry, he remembered clearly that the only boyfriend he ever met from Mattie was Alex but that had crashed and burned after she got accepted to the University of Wisconsin.

Now that he thought about it Alex and Mattie had been steady through high school and the last summer she spent in Clewiston. He at one point thought that Alex was going to be it for her, but then again Mattie was very unpredictable.

“A will?” Mattie asked arching her brow finally removing her sunglasses to see her brother.

“Yeah… something about they wanted Evelyn to be secure in case anything happened. You know Emmy; she was always the cautious one of us all.” He gave her a shy smile as he said it.

“True,” Mattie said smiling as well. “I’m going to miss her calls.”

“I think we all are going to miss her checking up on us. She had just gone to Orlando to visit me and Paulie.” Sean said as he continued to gaze at the road ahead of them.

“So… is everyone there yet?” Mattie bit her lip as she asked the question. She finally took of the hoodie she had on. “Ugh it’s so fucking hot.”

Sean laughed lightly as he realized that Mattie was still Mattie. “Yeah except for Anna lee and Howard.”

“Always late even in these circumstances,” Mattie said as she lit her cigarette. Anna lee was her youngest sister and everyone knew she was always the last one to everything.

Sean grabbed her sister’s hand and turned it over seeing her wrist, “When did you get this?” he asked as he looked at her tattoo. “What does it say?”

“Not long ago…” she said as she took her hand back. “Love never fails.”

“Hmm…” Sean said as he realized that Mattie was becoming one work of art. “Do you plan to fill your whole arms?”

“I don’t know maybe,” Mattie shrugged as she finished her smoke tossing out the cigarette butt.

********

Mattie sighed heavily as she saw the house in front of her. She swallowed hard as she saw some of her relatives on the porch. “I can do this,” Mattie said as she looked back at her brother who was just looking at her.

“Yes you can come on lets go.” He opened the door and opened the trunk to get her sister’s stuff.

“Sean?” Mattie said as she got off. “Don’t I just don’t think I can stay here I’ll go stay at the Holiday Inn later.”

“You sure?” Sean said as he put the luggage back into the truck.

Mattie only nodded and grabbed her tote bag. She grabbed her hoodie and stuffed into her bag. She began to walk down the pebbled walk way and almost wanted to run when she heard the voice.

“Aunt Mattie!” Evelyn said as she ran down the steps and right into her.

“Sweets,” Mattie said kneeling down and hugging her. She hugged her tightly and she knew she was crying but she couldn’t help it, she could not see Evelyn without parents. She kissed her forehead and wiped her eyes, “Let’s go inside?”

“Ok,” Evelyn said taking her hand. “Can I hold your hand aunt Mattie for now?”

“Yes of course you can sweets,” she said as she began to walk again only nodding to her family as she made it inside where her mother sat with the rest of her brothers or sisters.

**********

“She’s finally asleep,” Mattie told her sister Josie who walked into the room where Evelyn slept.

“She really loves you,” Josie said as she took a seat beside her. “You ok?”

“No,” Mattie said as tears began to come down her face. “I need to smoke and drink,” Mattie said getting up and walking to the door. “I’ll be back later. If she wakes up tell her I went to get her something.”

“Mattie… please don’t do this.” Josie said standing up showing off her round belly. This one would be her third child. “You have to talk about this not run away.”

“Just please look after her.” Mattie said walking out and down the stairs. She breathed heavily when she was out on the porch.

“You ok?” Sean asked walking up behind her.

“No let me borrow your keys, I’ll be back later.” She said as she took the keys from his hand.

“You want company?” he asked.

“Not right now sorry Sean,” she kissed his cheek and ran to the car. She turned the ignition and drove away not caring that she had burned tire.

She parked when she saw the bar; it was a new bar that was for sure because before the bar that place had been a bowling alley. “Skulls and Bones…” she read the name of it. She smiled at the name as she got out locking the car.

She walked in and inhaled feeling at ease, she wasn’t a big drinker well she did drink but it wasn’t on a daily basis but she did. She smiled as she took a seat on the bar stool. “Jack Daniels with one ice cube please,” she told the bartender.

“Here you go,” he said staring at her. “I know you from somewhere,” he said as he eyed her.

She finally looked up and met the blues staring at her and the accent was definitely very familiar. “Yeah you do… how are you Brian?” she gave him a weak smiled as she took a sip of her drink.

“I knew it… I’m good how about you Mattie?” Brian said as he got out behind the bar and walked up to her and hugging. “You look great.”

“Thanks… you don’t look bad yourself. I would’ve thought you would be in the NBA by now.” She told him as she hugged him back.

“Nope I opened my own bar and a restaurant close by… well me and Alex did.” He said not sure if he wanted to bring Alex up.

“I can’t believe he got you to agree to be his partner…” she told him as she gulped down her drink. “Another one please,” she told him handing him her glass.

She watched him as he poured her more Jack Daniels and couldn’t help smile. Brian was a good guy and good friend even if he was Alex’s best friend. “Thanks,” she told him as she took the glass. “I need this so much,” she told him.

“Yeah?” Brian asked her as he watched her take a drink.

“It’s just… it’s Emmy she was in a car accident and she passed away.” She told him she couldn’t hold the tears that began to come down her face. She wiped them away and finished her drink.

“I’m sorry Mattie,” Brian said as he remembered Emmy. “When is the funeral?”

“Tomorrow at Palms Funeral Home,” she finished her drink and gave him a weak smile. “I have to go but it was nice seeing you.” She leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “How much do I owe you?”

“It’s on the house,” Brian said giving her a small smile. “Later.”

*******

July 7, 2010
Time: 1:30am
Location: Holiday Inn (Fla.)
Emotion: angry, sad, and confused

I am laying here in my bed writing because I can’t sleep. I couldn’t go back to my mother’s house even if I know Evelyn would want me there. I instead got a room at the Holiday Inn. I did call my brother Sean to let him know he would not get his car back.

I had to run into an old friend today… Brian my ex’s best friend. It brought me back many memories including my relationship with Alex. I guess I have never shared with anyone that.

I guess because it’s one of those relationships where you really didn’t want to part separate ways but you kind of had to. My mother liked Alex and my brother’s did too. I was madly in love with him… he was my first boyfriend and my first everything if I remember correctly.

I didn’t ask Brian about him because I just couldn’t, especially right now that I am still trying to comprehend why god took my sister away. I don’t know how mother is going to take this me not being there, but honestly I can’t be there knowing dad isn’t there and now knowing everyone is there because of Emmy.

Well I better try and sleep a little I have to be back at moms early. I hope all this goes by fast so I can go back home to my home. Not because I don’t love my family but because I don’t like these situations at all, never did. I remember clearly that I never did I got really depressed when our Labrador died… poor Rufus.

Good night and I’ll be back to tell you how the funeral goes tomorrow.

Mattie