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Chapter Twenty Nine – January 3 – Addy

“You don’t have to do this. You just got back yesterday,” I argued. Kevin shook his head.

“It’s not a problem. I need to meet with my lawyer anyhow.”

He glanced my way and smiled.

“Plus, after we’re both done with our meetings I need some help.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“With what?”

“You’ll see.”

I propped my chin on my hand. My bracelet made a soft tinkling noise as the charms hit one another.

Today was my first recovery group meeting. My stomach was twisting into familiar knots of panic.

“You okay?” he asked as we took the off ramp.

Lexington spilled out before my eyes. I nodded.

We pulled up to a building close to the police station. It couldn’t have been any old building; the only reason I knew it was the right one was because I double checked the address.

“You want me to walk you in?” he asked. I could tell he was leery of the unremarkable building. I took a deep breath.

“No, it’s fine,” I said, sliding out of the car. I clutched my purse tightly.

“I’ll be back in an hour and a half,” he assured me. I nodded.

That morning dad had asked me if I was going to the office with him. He was surprised when I told him I had other plans, but he didn’t ask for more details.

I walked in and checked room numbers until I found door 1-B. I knocked.

“Come in.”

The group was small. Four women were sitting on folding chairs; one held a clipboard. She stood up.

“I’m Lana Polizito.”

I licked my dry lips. “Addy Selinski.”

“Why don’t you have a seat? The group’s usually bigger, but with the holidays and everything…”

I hoped she was implying that people were just visiting family, not swimming with the fishes. I sat down in an empty chair.

The other three women had been coming to group for awhile. That meant that I was in the limelight from the beginning.

“Why don’t you tell us your experience?” Lana said quietly. I looked at her.

“My experience?”

“Your assault.”

I winced. “Do I have to?”

“Talking about it is the first step to confronting and overcoming.”

I took a deep breath. Every time I even thought about it I was exhausted. With my eyes trained firmly on my barn boots I began to recount my ordeal. I had a sympathetic audience; the few times I glanced up I found two or the other three women nodding as if saying ‘Been there, done that.’

“How has your experience affected your life?” Lana asked after I had finished recounting my story.

“Affected my life?” I said in confusion. She nodded. I paused.

“Well…I dropped out of college,” I said. “So, I guess not getting my degree.”

“What else?”

I thought about that. My relationship with my dad and the people in my town never changed. I looked back at Lana blankly.

“What about your other relationships?”

“Nothing changed. My dad and I…the people in my town…we’re all the same.”

Lana shook her head. “What about the relationships you’ve had since Toby?”

I looked at her in surprise. I glanced at the other three women.

“I…I haven’t had any.”

“Due to a lack of trust?”

I thought about it. Trust was definitely a big part of the picture. Of course, there also weren’t many single guys in Sadieville. I looked back at the other three women. The stubborn side of me decided I had done enough talking.

“What about you guys?”

One of the two that had nodded during my story looked my way. She was a little thing; small features and long blonde hair.

“I just got married,” she said in a high voice that matched her tininess.

“I’ve gone through men like water,” the red head of the group admitted. “After my rape, my self-respect went out the window.”

I looked at the last girl. She was a beautiful African American woman; she looked like she could be a model. She shook her head.

“I don’t want to get hurt again.”

Now that was a statement I could understand. I looked at Lana.

“I think that’s it,” I said. “I just don’t want to get hurt again.”

“Is there anyone you do trust?” Lana asked.

My dad immediately came to mind, but surprisingly I thought of someone else…

Kevin.

I nodded. “There’s a couple people.”

“Well that’s a start,” Lana said. “You know, Addy, it’s great that this is your first meeting. It’s a new year and with a new year comes the ability to start over. You get a clean slate. It’s up to you to decide what to do with it. The first thing to remember is that rape changes you; but it should not consume you.”

I nodded thoughtfully. Luckily, Lana turned her attention to the other three women. The blonde, Brittany, was having problems in the bedroom with her new husband. The redhead, Daisy, was having problems staying away from the bedroom. The African American woman, Nevaeh, seemed to have worse trust problems than me.

It was nice to know that no matter what, I wasn’t alone. For so many years I had felt singled out. Not that I would wish my experience on anyone, but it felt nice to talk and for the listener to know exactly how I felt.

I left the meeting feeling better. As uncomfortable as it was to share my feelings openly, I felt, I don’t know, lighter because of it. Kevin was waiting outside.

“How’d it go?” he asked. I looked over at him. I actually smiled.

“I made a good choice.”

Kevin started driving. I knew as the landscape changed from urban to rural that he had something up his sleeve.

“Where are we going?”

He turned onto a gravel drive and we began the bumpety-bump that only an uneven drive can produce. He stopped in front of a large white farmhouse.

“I need some expert advice. I’m buying a horse.”

Twenty minutes later we walked along the stalls. It was an equestrian lover’s dream.

“What are you looking for?” I asked. Kevin looked thoughtful.

“Well, I’d like her young, but not too young; she’s got to have a quiet maturity. She’s needs to be good hearted with a wonderful disposition. And most importantly she’s got to be good with Mason.”

“That’s a tall order for a horse,” I said with a laugh.

“Maybe I’m talking about more than a horse,” he said quietly.

I turned and looked at him in surprise. He had stopped just inches behind me.

Our eyes met.

Before I could process what was happening, his head lowered and his lips brushed mine.

It was like my first kiss all over again…

Except much, much better.