I wish I was Dreaming of a White Christmas
I was sitting on the floor playing with some cars and of course, my pig was sitting right by my side. There was arguing going on in the background, a lot of arguing.
“I am tired of all of this!” She said.
“It won’t be for long I promise.” He answered.
“That’s what you always say and then you disappear for a long time and I’m left alone to take care of the baby by myself.”
“It has to be this way, you know that. You knew that when you married me.”
“It doesn’t matter, none of it does. I’m done with this!”
She walked past me and accidentally knocked over the tower of blocks I was making. I wanted to cry but when they were like this, it was better if I didn’t do anything so I just started rebuilding. My father walked past me shortly after. It was definitely my dad and he didn’t look happy at all.
I stood up and wobbled over to the kitchen where my mother sat at the table, her head down and crying. The young Max with the ponytail was standing behind her and massaging her shoulders as she cried.
“It’ll be okay Nicole…I promise.”
“I am sick to death of your promises. The both of you can go to hell!”
Max glanced over at me and I found myself taking a few steps back from him. I was afraid. Something about him scared me. He walked by without saying one word as if I was invisible and then my mother looked up and motioned for me to come to her.
I walked over and she pulled me on to the table, “Looks like it’s going to be just you and me again, Drew.”
I took comfort in that.
A terrible crashing sound came out of nowhere just then. It sounded like breaking glass and she swept me up in her arms and pulled my head into her chest. “Oh god!” She said as she started running up the stairs with me.
Once again I recognized this scene from earlier. “Mommy I’m scared!” I found myself saying.
“I know baby it’s going to be all right. We have to hurry though. He’s really mad.”
“But mommy I dropped Bob.” I panicked when I saw my pig was still lying at the bottom of the stairs.
“We don’t have time for this, he’s coming and he’s really angry!” She said as she got to the top of the stairs and opened the bathroom door. Throwing me inside before I could protest.
I was sitting in the bathroom again but this time Bob was with me. I was humming and making him jump from the toilet to the floor and making a splash sound as he did. I guess Bob was jumping into a pool. There was a lot of yelling coming from the hallway and more crashing sounds. I was in the same place but this was a different time.
I moved closer to the door so I could hear what was going on. Just as I did, the door opened and my mother was there to greet me. The mother I had always known, not the stranger I barely met.
“Mom, what are you doing here?” I asked her, suddenly sounding years older than I had been moments before. We were at the Carter House. “Get your things packed as fast as you can. We’re leaving!” She said as she grabbed my hand and led me to my bedroom.
“Mom, what do you mean?” I was anxious and didn’t quite get what was going on.
“Just do what you’re told. There isn’t much time!” She opened my door and ushered me inside.
“But Daddy’s not home!”
“We’re leaving without your father. Now hurry!” She yelled as she started grabbing my things and throwing them into a suitcase. I vaguely remembered this. I remembered packing my bags and almost leaving but being stopped by my father.
Sure enough there he was, standing at my bedroom door. “Hi Daddy,” I said as my mother turned around and threw my suitcase at him.
“Jane, you can’t do this!”
“Watch me!”
“Nicky, can you give me and your mom a second?” I nodded and headed for the only place I felt safe when they fought, the bathroom.
I found myself sitting in the bathroom once again with a huge knot in my stomach, just waiting until I heard my mother or someone tell me I could come out. It felt like forever and I was getting restless so I opened the door.
When I did, everything had changed again and this time I was back in the other house, in my bedroom and under the desk. My real mother had just been killed and I was watching her blood flow all over Bob, my pig. I was afraid to move because I heard people in the room. They were looking for me but I didn’t recognize their voices.
“We need to do this, just do it and get the hell out of here!” One was saying. He was talking kind of funny. He was definitely not from America that was for sure.
They left the room and I crawled out from under the desk and went to my mother. I tried to shake her awake but she wouldn’t move. “Mommy, wake up I’m scared.” I knew she was dead, but I still had to try.
Another loud explosion happened and now I was starting to see smoke billowing from the hallway. The tears started to flow as I panicked, “Mommy, wake up there’s a fire!” I pushed her again but still she’s didn’t budge.
I sat there crying hysterically now, trying to pull her out myself but I was too small. I was really small. I coughed and cried one more time before standing up and waddling myself out of the room. “Bye Mommy.” I said taking one last look at her before walking out the door and into the hallway.
The fire was slowly making its way up from the downstairs and I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid of the stairs. I had never tried to go down the steps alone. Another explosion happened and it made me scream. I put my hands over my ears and ran back into the bedroom.
The scene had once again changed.
I was still covering my ears but this time I was in the bathroom again. There was a lot of screaming going on and it sounded like things or even people were being thrown. I was afraid to open the door but I eventually did.
I walked out into the hallway. The noise was suddenly replaced by silence. It was almost too quiet. In a lot of ways I preferred the yelling and throwing over this kind of quiet. It was the unsettling kind.
Suddenly, I heard my mother arguing again and this time I could tell it was Max she was yelling at.
“I hate YOU!” She yelled viciously at him. “Get away from me! I never want to see you again!”
I wanted to save her but my fear of the man in the ponytail prevented me from doing that. Instead I just watched as if it were a movie. He was gripping her by both of her shoulders and shaking her so violently I thought her head was going to come off.
“Don’t be stupid Nicole!” He urged as he shook.
“Get off of me!” She said as she tried to break free. That’s when Max slapped her across the face.
I screamed and charged at him with all my might, but I was small and didn’t do much but knock into him.
“Andrew! I told you to stay in the bathroom!” My mother said as tears streamed down her face.
That’s when he grabbed me like a sack of potatoes, picking me up sideways and walking me to my bedroom. “Put him down!” She screamed after us. “Leave him alone!”
He didn’t listen and by this point I was crying. He opened my bedroom door, sat me on the floor with my pig and shut it behind him as he continued to argue with my mother who had quickly caught up to us. They were standing right outside my door and fighting. I couldn’t make out what was being said because I was suddenly distracted by the smoke coming in from under the door.
Once again feeling panicked I opened the door and found myself in the same scene from earlier in the dream. I looked behind me, and sure enough there was my mother lying on the floor dead, again. I started walking down the hallway, ignoring the flames and smoke. I heard yelling coming from around the corner and even though I was terrified, I found myself walking towards the voices. The one I didn’t recognize which was foreign and the one I did, which was Max. Right before I was about to turn the corner Max met me with a gun in hand.
I was about to scream but he put a hand over my mouth as he grabbed me up in his arms and ran down the steps and out of the house. I kept trying to tell him that my mommy was hurt and needed help but I think he already knew, because I’m pretty sure he’s the one that killed her…
I jumped out of bed, possibly even leapt. My heart was beating so fast I actually couldn’t breathe for a few seconds. “That son of a bitch!” I said probably louder than I should have, but I didn’t care. I had to go see him right now!
I ran out the door of our suite and started banging on Max’s door. Within a few seconds he opened it. “Andrew what’s wrong?”
He was taller than me but at that moment I felt we were the same height. “My name’s not Andrew!” I said as I punched him in the face, pushing myself into his room.
“What the fuck…” He asked as he spit the blood from his lip.
“Why did you do it? “I screamed as I shoved him. “Why did you kill her?”
“What are you talking about?” He asked as I pushed him, almost making him fall over the bed.
“You killed my mother in cold blood!” I screamed taking a swing at him. This time he blocked it, grabbed my arm and in one fluid motion flipped me onto the floor and sat on top of me.
“You need to calm down and shut your damn mouth!” He said as he placed his hand over it, just like he did in my dreams. There was another knock at the door “Great, just fucking fantastic…” He said as he took his hand off of my mouth but motioned for me to stay quiet.
Another knock was followed by “Let me in!” Max got off of me and opened the door for Kevin. “What the hell is going on in here?” He asked looking from me to Max.
“Shut the door.” He ordered.
I was just about to stand up and have a go at him again but he gave me a look and pointed at me, “You stay the hell there!”
Kevin looked down at me then back to Max, “What is going on?” He asked again. “It sounded like you were fighting in here.”
“He killed her Kevin! He killed my mother!” I shouted, fighting the urge to spit in his face as he sat down on the bed beside where I was on the ground.
“I didn’t kill your mother.”
“You’re lying!” I smacked his leg because it was close to me.
“Relax!” Kevin said walking towards me and helping me up. “Why are you saying he killed your mother?”
“Because he did!”
“Lower your damn voice before you wake up everyone in the hotel!” Max warned. His voice was low and scary sounding. I shut up.
“You had another dream, didn’t you?” Kevin asked as he kept a protective hand on my shoulder. Hoping I wouldn’t do anything dumb like charge at the murderer sitting about a foot away.
“Yes, I did!” I looked over at Max, “And I saw him kill my mother!”
Max shook his head, “Then you saw wrong kid.”
Actually I didn’t see that at all. “You were shaking her and you slapped her across the face!”
“Did I slap her to death?” Max shook his head in disbelief and annoyance once again.
I tried to move towards him but was stopped by Kevin, “Let’s go back to our room, okay? We can talk about this in the morning when we’re all a little more rational.” He squeezed my shoulder really hard which was his way of saying if you don’t move by yourself I’m going to move for you.
“Fine! But this isn’t over!” I pointed my finger at Max which I’m sure scared him to death because what’s scarier to a murderer then a fifteen year old’s threat!
“It never is kid.” He muttered as we walked out the door and back to our room.
Once inside Kevin shoved me in the door, “Can we make some kind of a deal, the two of us?”
“Kevin he…”
“Uh…a deal?”
“But Kev…”
“Nick!”
“Fine, what kind of deal?”
“Let’s try not to attack or piss off the person who you keep calling a killer. Probably not a good idea, you know?”
“But he…”
“Nick! You barged into the guy’s room and attacked him! If he really was a killer, why would he let you do that?”
I moved away from Kevin now wanting to punch him as well, “You don’t fucking believe me!”
“I didn’t say that! Just that when you told us what you saw, you didn’t mention death, you mentioned a slap. Did you really see him kill your mother?”
I folded my arms across my chest and looked away from him, furious at him, at Max and just about the whole entire world for landing all this crap on my lap. I didn’t deserve this bullshit! “No, but he was real mean and I was terrified of him.”
“He seems like he could be a scary guy when he wants to be.”
“He slapped her.”
Kevin slowly walked over to me and once again placed his hand on my shoulder. “What else did you dream?”
After a few minutes of just standing there in my defensive pose, I finally loosened up and told Kevin everything I had dreamed.
When I was done, only one thing stood out in his mind. It’s something I didn’t even think of until it came out of his mouth. “So, I guess you remember your pig’s name now. Bob, think that’s just a coincidence?”
I thought about it for a second, “I am starting to realize there’s no such thing as coincidence.” I answered, knowing without a doubt that all these years, not only did I not know my real mother, but I didn’t know my real father either.
Kevin nodded, “Let’s try to get some more sleep. It’s only three.” He said looking over at the clock.
“You go ahead, I’ll be in soon.” I said, smiling at him but knowing that I was awake for the day now. There was no way I wanted to go back to sleep where more dreams would haunt me.
“Don’t stay up too long and Nick, please no going back to Max’s.”
“I won’t go back there.” I promised and I meant it. I was done fighting for one night. I didn’t have any fight left in me.
When Kevin left and closed the door, I just sat there in the living room, staring at our Christmas tree. Howie insisted we leave the lights on and I’m glad he did. Nothing was more comforting then the glow of Christmas lights while it snowed in the background.
I suddenly heard our front door handle jiggle and jumped up from my seat. I knew it was him before he let himself in. He was waiting for us to go to sleep and then when he was sure we wouldn’t be ready for him he’d kill us all in our beds. I wish I had the desire to fight, but at this point I just wanted to be put out of my misery.
“I knew you’d be up.” He whispered to me as he approached with something in his hand.
“Just be quick and promise me you won’t hurt the other guys.” I said, but I knew he wasn’t going to kill me. I just knew.
“Andrew for the love of God…”
“My name’s Nick.” I corrected him again.
“Sorry, force of habit. I brought you something.” He said walking over towards the couch and sitting beside me, “I know your dad would have wanted you to have this.” He handed me a box.
“What is it?”
“Open it.”
“It’s not booby trapped or anything is it?”
Max shook his head, “When are you going to realize I’m on your side?”
“When I stop having dreams of you hurting my mother and carrying guns, maybe.”
“Okay, that’s fair I guess. Open it.”
I tore the wrapping paper off the box and opened it. There was a framed picture of my father, my real mother and me in the middle. All of us smiling and looking very happy. I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t seen a real picture of my mother before but only the image of her in my dreams. “She was beautiful.” I said, trying to keep my emotions in check.
“Yes, she was.”
“Did you guys have an affair or something? Is that why she was arguing with you?”
He laughed, “No, nothing like that. Andr…I mean Nick…I would never kill your mother because I loved her very much. She was my sister.”
I looked over at him then, really looked at him and it was true. The two of them looked very similar. They both had long faces and small dimples on their cheeks. They had the same structure to their faces, much the same way I did. “That means you’re my uncle?”
He nodded and smiled, “Yeah, I guess so.” I guess he never thought about it until just then.
“Is your name really Max?” I asked him once again looking down at the picture.
The look on his face was my answer. “Just like my father’s name wasn’t really Bob.”
“But your mother was really Nicole. That’s how your dad came up with your name. He renamed you after your mother.”
“And he named himself after my stuffed pig.”
“You really are starting to remember.” He said, almost sadly.
“I wish I wasn’t.”
“Me too, kid. Me too.” He then stood up to leave, “I’m going to leave you guys alone tomorrow. I just wanted you to have that and know that they both loved you.”
Just before he walked out the door I stopped him, “You said loved…not love.”
He didn’t turn around, “I know.” he hesitated briefly and then walked out the door as I held on to that picture and cried pretty much until the sun came up.
