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There were a lot of memories that we shared after that first time the single played on the radio. We were so crazy, so young. Nothing seemed to slow us down, ever. Remember those pictures Andre took of us being Beavis & Butthead in the restaurant with the chopsticks? That was so funny. How about the time when you adopted that squirrel you found and Kevin got mad at me for letting you sneak it in and I had no clue! Or that time we went bra shopping??

Ah, Nick, I love the little things like that, the memories that I can’t quite place when they were on a timeline. Like “did that happen before or after this?” Who knows! It just all runs together kind of. But then there are the bigger moments, the ones that I definitely know exactly when they were…

I know it’s always bothered you when I talk about my surgery. I know you always have felt guilty for not coming, but Nick what I never told you was that I understood. It hurt, but I understood. I wouldn’t have been able to be there if it was you. I had Leighanne, and that experience was one of the many that bound us the way we are. If you and the fellas had been there, I may never have ended up marrying my beautiful angel.

So I don’t want you to feel guilty about that anymore. I’ve tried a hundred times to tell you not to, but you’ve never listened to me. But Nick… I never told you, but a nurse told me your secret. And knowing that… well, it meant the world to me.



Amanda looked up at Nick, her face solemn. “You didn’t go when he had the surgery?” she asked, her throat constricting. She imagined Brian, alone and wondering where his friends were, and the weight that must’ve been on Leighanne’s shoulders to be the only one there with him.

Nick’s eyes were hazed with tears. He was biting his lips and his arms were wrapped around his body. He rocked slightly. “I- I wish I had it to do over again,” he whispered, “I’d be there this time.”

“You were there this time,” Amanda said, laying her hand on Nick’s knee. “Brian told me you slept in the room with him at Grady, on a cot.”

Nick looked up at Amanda and frowned. “It was scary. The whole thing with Brian’s heart. I mean we were doing tour rehearsals and he just suddenly… dropped. He was just all pale and clammy and the next thing I knew, Kevin’s telling us he’s needing heart surgery.”

Amanda sighed, “That poor guy went through so much.”

“Our manager didn’t want him to leave the tour,” Nick said, shaking his head with a bitter laugh. “His exact words to Brian were, ‘Your heart will still be bad when we’re done with the tour’.”

Amanda gasped, “That’s so…” she paused at the irony of the word she was about to use, “Heartless.”

Nick nodded, “Yeah. Brian got so upset. He walked out. He just left. I mean literally, he walked off the tour. There were a few days when we were wondering if he would come back, or be allowed to come back. I mean management was talking about suing him for breaking contracts and the whole nine yards…” he shook his head. “It was really bad. Everyone was on pins and needles, we were all tense, you know? And when Brian had the actual surgery… I don’t know, we were all so confused and scared, we just… didn’t go.” He paused. “Even Kevin.”

Amanda shook her head. “They wanted to sue him?” she sighed, “That’s ridiculous, they never—“ she was about to say ‘never would’ve won’, but in Hollywood, she’d found out more than once with the stories she covered for Pop Stuff Online, that it didn’t matter the situation – it mattered whose pockets were deeper for their lawyer’s hands to roam.

Nick stared at his fingertips. He didn’t tell Amanda the things going through his mind now. But he could remember taking the flight and the cab to the hospital, worrying all the way, clutching a book of Madlibs and a Sports Illustrated magazine, a stuffed basket ball under his arm. The cab had dropped him off in front of the hospital’s main enterance, and he’d gone inside, crossed the big lobby and asked for Brian’s room. He’d been escorted to the floor, and explained where from there. He’d inched along the corridor until he was standing just around the corner from the door, staring at it. He could hear Leighanne’s voice echoing out, though hushed enough that he couldn’t tell what she was saying, and he could hear the low, gasping mumbles that had to have been his best friend.

“Can I help you?” a nurse had come up behind him.

He’d jumped a mile, and turned to look at her, panic in his eyes, and shook his head. “No, no. I’m uh, I’m lost.” He hesitated. “No, actually, I’m not. I’m scared.” He glanced over his shoulder at the room behind him. His mom had no idea he was here. He’d snuck off. She was going to kill him when he got home. He looked at the basket ball and the two books. He shoved them into the nurse’s hands. “Can you give these to Brian?” he asked, pointing at the door.

“You can go ahead in if you’d like, visiting hours are –“

Nick shook his head, “I can’t. Please just give’em to him. Tell him –“ he paused, “Tell him they’re from a fan.” Then he’d run back to the elevator, heart pounding in his chest.

He’d believed, for all these years, that Brian had never known he was there. But now, glancing into the cardboard box, he saw the corner of it. He reached and pulled out the copy of Madlibs he’d brought to Brian. He stared at it, feeling his throat tighten.

“Madlibs,” Amanda said, smiling, “I love that game.”

Nick opened the top cover and saw the first page:

Word bank:
1. Your favorite color: blue
2. Your hometown: Lexington
3. Your best friend: Nick Carter