If MASH were a real game, this was what you got if you won mansion.

I felt like I was walking through a thirteen year old’s dream mansion. Everything was in florescent shades, including all the oversized bean bags that served as furniture. There were vending machines lining the walls of the kitchen, filled with anything capable of sending someone into a diabetic coma.

Gag.

As I walked along the walls in the living room I noticed the wallpaper, which was the only thing not neon, was covered in “junior high-esque” doodles. The phrase “Mrs. Nick Carter 4-ever” seemed to the be the favorite and was the most repeated.

Double Gag.

The theme of the artwork in the house was pictures of Nick from TeenBop and other magazines of that nature.

Didn’t the producers think they were going a little too far with the teenybopper theme? And why would Nick Carter, an adult just go along with this?

As I stared at the décor, I heard a scream.

“Emmmmmmily! I’m so glad you made it!” Candy ran, in her four-inch, stripper fab heels. She looked like a mess. Mascara was smeared all over her face and her once perfectly teased hair looked like a little matted dog falling in her face.

I was a little a taken back by my new best friend, but was even more curious what jungle she climbed through to get here. She looked like shit.

“Are you okay?”

“Ohhh Emmm Geee, I was so freaked out by the challenge or whatever. I planned all my outfits far in advance for any and all occasions. I basically brought my life. I had no idea how I could fit all my stuff and I started crying. But then I thought about it for a second. What is worth more? True love or material possessions? I knew what I had to do then. I just put my dresses and all my bathing suits in my suitcase and left the rest.” Candy twirled a chunk of her hair as she talked.

I just nodded and looked at her for a minute. This was not real life. This girl was not real.

Candy took her arm and said, “Let’s room together. I feel like you get me. Come on!”

I just shrugged and followed her.

This was a dream and I was going to wake up soon so I might as well just go with the flow.

We went into the first empty room, which was of course, neon. Except this room did not just have a couple of posters, it was literally covered. Even the ceiling.

How was I going to sleep with all the eyes staring at me?

Hopefully, I remembered to pack my eye mask.

I crossed her fingers and began to unpack my stuff.

All the other girls were running around picking rooms. There were two sets of bunk beds in this room.

Please God, send me kind of normal roommates.

Just as I thought that, a woman that strangely, looked exactly like Miley Cyrus walked in.

Thanks for that one God.

“Are these beds taken?” She asked as she took off her leather jacket and placed it on the bottom bunk.

“Oh Em Gee,” Candy said as she turned around. I was starting to figure out this was Candy’s favorite phrase. “I’m Candy! You look just like Miley Cyrus! You’re not her right? I’m pretty sure that would be illegal.”

“Yeah I get that a lot. I’m Aspen.” She reached out to shake Candy’s hand and was pulled in for the same hug. She quickly froze.

Looks like there were now two that belonged to the “BFF’s with Candy Club”.

I reached out and shook Aspen’s hand, introduced myself and asked, “You don’t hear that name very often. Are you named after the city?”

Aspen laughed, “Yeah, my mom shacked up with some guy there and then nine months later…here I am! She was kind of a whore.” Her voice was really raspy as if she had spent a few too many nights in a bar.

A tall redhead came barreling through the doorway, “Is there one last bed in here? I’m scared I didn’t make it in time.”

“Yeah, there’s one more spot left. I’m Emily, this is Aspen and Candy.” I said as I pointed to the other girls. By this time, Aspen was laying across her bed, but managed to lift her head and wave. Candy was reapplying her makeup and trying to fix her hair.

“Hi I’m Megan!” As she introduced herself, the intercom came on with Carson’s voice, “Ladies, competition for the day has now ended. Tomorrow, we will start bright and early for the first official challenge. Please meet in the backyard at 9 am sharp!”

Carson sounded nice. We must be filming.

We talked awhile longer and they all realized one thing.

Megan was crazy. Not like crazy-fan crazy, more like seemed-normal-then-snapped crazy. She came on the show because she wanted, no wait, needed to find a husband soon. She had a timeline of how her life was suppose to be and she was way past due. She was a fan growing up but the main reason she auditioned for the show was because Nick met all her requirements for a husband.

She had a list, a physical list of twenty-something traits. I saw it with my own eyes.

Between that and the fact Nick Carter was staring directly at me from the poster on the ceiling, it was safe to say I wasn’t going to get much sleep.