I don’t know what the hell it is about the stuff but spit scares the fuck out of me. I’m talking green-faced, squeamish, ready-to-hurl my guts out. Any kind of bodily fluid grosses the hell out of me. Blood, ear wax, spit, eye juice, vomit, piss… you name it, it makes me sick. This is why it pisses me off so damn much when Nick licks my face with his abnormally wide, wet, disgusting-smelling tongue. You fans, you might think this is sexy when Nick licks people, you all go gaa-gaa over the videos on YouTube, but you know what? You ain’t never been on the receiving end of that. I’m tellin’ you – IT AIN’T SEXY. Just think of this fun fact: the last time Nick brushed his teeth was probably marked down on a 2009 calendar. I’m just sayin’.
But as sick as Nick’s stupid tongue is, it’s nothing next to llama drool.
My name is AJ McLean, and this is my story.
The lady I kept accidentally hitting landed on top of me. She wasn’t tiny. I am pretty tiny. I felt like I was being squeezed like those hand-exercising dolls that have the eyes that pop out.
“I TOLD YOU,” Nick was whining from the next row over.
Brian’s head popped over the side of the seats. “You okay, ‘J?” he asked.
“MMHhHfFffffhpphhh…” I muttered into the woman’s ass.
She moved and muttered something in Spanish that wasn’t quite short enough to be an apology – and sounded a little rough. Why the hell she thought she was entitled to an attitude was fucking beyond me.
“I’m fine,” I said once her ass was out of my mouth.
Normally a woman’s ass in my mouth would’ve been great.
“We gotta get out of here,” came Howie’s voice.
“I’m pretty sure I said that before we crashed like a baby grand piano being delivered by the Three Stooges,” snapped Brian.
Nick laughed, “I remember that.”
I groaned as I got up, “Ohhh, fuckin’ A,” I held my head. “That was fucking insane.”
Nick, apparently hyper after crashing to the earth from whatever-thousand-feet, exclaimed, “I know, right?!” He peeked between the seats at me from where he was smooshed on the floor. “I’ve never been in a plane crash before!”
Brian rounded at him, “That’s because most people who have been in one died in it,” he grumbled, eyeing Howie.
“Okay, you fuckers can stay in the broken plane,” I said, noticing most everyone had climbed out the emergency door already. “I’m getting off this hell can.” I started climbing the seat to escape.
“WAIT FOR ME!” Nick bellowed, leaping up, head and shoulders taller than Brian or Howie. He scrambled over the seats, getting caught halfway over and straddling himself. “Ugh,” he groaned as his body weight came down on his gemstones as he straddled the seats. “Fuck.”
“Move!” Brian shoved him, and Nick tumbled over, clutching his crotch, knocking into me and we both landed on the floor. Again, I was crushed with ass in my mouth. This time, it was even grosser because not only was it an ass in my mouth, but it was a man ass in my mouth. And not just any man ass, it was Nick’s man ass. And Lord knows where the fuck Nick’s damn man ass has been.
“Get the fuck off of me,” I demanded, shoving Nick’s ass away.
“Ouch,” he complained as his face hit an arm rest.
Brian launched himself over the seat with an ease that was almost unnervingly smooth. He landed next to me and Nick, on his feet, and looked over at Howie. “C’mon D.”
Nick was rubbing his face dejectedly.
I pulled myself up and climbed over the seat before Howie could jump the other one, envisioning a BSB pig pile with me on the fucking bottom – it was seeming to be my luck these days.
I was rewarded for my ahead-thought-process as Howie launched himself and landed on Nick’s head with a velocity that honestly was amazing Nick’s neck didn’t snap in about fourteen fuckin’ pieces. Nick let out a string of cusses that even I didn’t know he knew.
“Shut the fuck up,” Howie grumbled, “I didn’t mean to.”
“IT HURT YOU ASS,” Nick grumbled, rubbing his neck, “You freaking idiot!”
“I keel you.”
Howie’s Puerto Rican shut Nick up, but he was still rubbing his neck, a pissed off expression on his face.
I was just relieved the shit-eating excited grin he’d been wearing on it prior was gone to hell.
I scrambled up and out the emergency exit, having decided I wasn’t waiting for these idiots that I called band mates, and found myself greeted by a yellow blow-up slide that went over the edge of the plane to – well, fuckin’ hell who knew what? I couldn’t see the ground because of the angle of the plane. I glanced back down when Brian’s head suddenly popped up in the open emergency door jamb.
“We have to jump?” he groaned.
“Better than falling,” I answered, pointing up at the sky.
Brian frowned.
I crossed my arms over my chest and jumped onto the yellow slide just as Nick’s face came out the door alongside Brian’s.
It felt like being at a water park, going down. I threw my hands up over my head and closed my eyes. The difference of course being that there was no water and half my ass and back skin got stuck to the fucking hot plastic of the slide, making a whacked farting sound the whole way down. When I reached the bottom, I flipped onto the ground, and face first into a big ass pool of fucking mud.
“Jesus,” I groaned as I rolled over. I could feel my face was coated with a thick layer of the wet dirt, and my eyes were squeezed closed in self defense.
“COWABUNGA!” yelled Nick, and I heard him flop onto the slide.
I quickly rolled over twice so that he wouldn’t land on me when he flipped off the end of the slide.
I was laying on my back when he hit the mud with a fairly loud, nasty-sounding smack. I imagined him coated in mud like a giant pig with a button-up shirt and khakis. The mental image made me laugh.
Unfortunately, I laughed loudly, with my mouth open.
First of all, this was bad because mud fell in.
But second of all it was even badder because that wasn’t the only thing that went in my mouth when I laughed.
The fucking slimiest, grossest, fucking spit-covered tongue in the fucking world slid into my mouth and wiggled around in my throat.
“WHAT THE---“ my eyes sprang open. I didn’t give a damn what got in my eyes, as long as that fucking tongue got the hell out of my mouth.
When I opened my eyes, though, I was met by the big, doe-looking eyes and white-fuzzy face of a fucking animal. It looked like the god-damn thing in The Never Ending Story.
“JESUSSSS!!!!!” I screamed spitting its tongue out of my mouth rapidly and backing away. My back hit Nick, who was cracking up – loudly, and clapping his hands.
“Holy shit, holy SHIT,” he cried, wheezing.
“What is it?” Brian called from on top of the plane.
“AJ JUST FUCKING MADE OUT WITH A LLAMA!” Nick screamed.
“No!” I yelled.
“YES!” Nick shouted louder, his face BRIGHT red from laughing so hard.
“NO, “I bellowed, “No! I got freaking mouth raped by a llama.”
Nick’s laughter was echoed by Brian and Howie’s from on top of the plane.
I grabbed a handful of mud and threw it at Nick’s face. “Take that, fucker.”
Nick’s eyes widened. “Oh… no… you did NOT just do that,” he said.
“Oh… yes… I DID just DO that,” I mocked.
Nick shook his head, “Ohhh dawg… you are going DOWN.”
And with that, Nick lunged at me, mud spraying off us both as I kicked to get away and Nick flew through the air towards me. The llama stood, staring at us wrestling, ankle deep in the mud, chewing on whatever the hell it was eating.
I grabbed a handful of mud and shoved it down the back of Nick’s pants.
Nick shrieked like a girl.
The llama continued watching.
