His eyes flew open as he gasped, forcing himself from the nightmare. He stayed on his back, breathing deeply until his heart slowed down to its normal rate. Feeling his wife's hand on his chest, he turned his gaze to her. She was still sleeping, cuddled up to his side. He smiled; glad to be back in her arms. He reached over and brushed away the hair that had fallen over her eyes, and then leaned over for a kiss.

"I love you, Leighanne," he whispered. "I always will."

He set his pillow under her hand, then crept out of bed and headed for the door. He wasn't going back to sleep soon, and he had to think. His feet directed him to the family room.

Leighanne stayed motionless as she watched her husband leave their room. She had felt it when Brian had been jolted from sleep by another nightmare. It wasn't the first time she had seen it happen, and previous attempts to get him to talk about his nightmares had been futile. She sat up and pulled back the covers, planning to go find him. She wanted to try one more time to get him talking about the nightmares. She doubted it would be successful, but she could at least attempt. As it was, they had only been sleeping together for a few months. Brian had been afraid to sleep in the same room with her right after they had returned home. She’d been disheartened, but went along with him sleeping in a guestroom for a while. He finally returned to her at the beginning of August, though.

As she tied the sash of her robe, she heard little Baylee's voice through the monitor on her dresser. She smiled as he began babbling, and then said "mama”. Looking at the clock, Leighanne was surprised to discover that it was two o'clock in the morning. Two in the morning on her son's first birthday. She hurried to the nursery across the hall. As she opened the door, her little son sat up and grabbed onto the bars of his crib. Seeing his mother, he smiled and squealed.

"Mama!”

"Hi, Baylee. Do you need mommy?"

His only answer was to reach up for her. With a smile, Leighanne took her son in her arms and walked around the nursery. As she walked, her mind went back to a morning much like this one. Almost nine months ago, her husband had been taken away to serve one of the most evil beings alive, Emperor Zator. For over a month, he had been in training, serving Zator as Chief Commander of his armies. And during that time, Brian had become a monster, taking on the name of Kael. He had destroyed a town, taken his friends captive and tortured them. But then he had realized what he was doing and tried to help his friends escape, nearly losing his life in the process.

During the past eight months, Brian refused to talk about his experiences, no matter how many times he was asked. It was an incident that stayed between him, his wife, his cousin Kevin and their friends and fellow Backstreet brothers Howie, Alex and Nick. Brian wanted it that way, and the others respected his decision.

Baylee's soft snores brought Leighanne from her thoughts. She smiled, then planted a kiss on his head and put him back in his crib. She pressed the button to Baylee's musical nightlight to start the music back up. It was time to find her husband.

She found him on the couch in the family room, looking at pictures and fingering the chain of his amulet around his neck. When had he put it on? Leighanne edged closer and rested her hand on his shoulder. She didn't expect him to almost jump off the couch and whirl around in fright. Brian sighed in relief when he saw her.

"It's you. You scared me."

"I'm sorry," Leighanne apologized as she sat beside him. "I just wanted to know if you were okay."

"I'm fine. Really."

At his wife's skeptical look, he turned back to the pictures. Leighanne followed his gaze and saw photographs of him and his fellow Backstreet Boys from past years.

"What was the nightmare about this time?"

Surprised azure eyes found hers. "Wh-what are you talking about?"

"Brian, don't try to hide it. It may look like I'm sleeping, but I always know when you've had a nightmare. Honey, please," she took his hand, "don't be afraid to talk to me. A big part of marriage is communication, you know that."

Brian turned away in silence, then stood and walked to a window. Leighanne sighed and got up to leave. Maybe he'll talk about it later.

"Why do you still love me?"

Leighanne froze in the doorway and looked back. "What?"

"Why do you still love me, Leighanne? Howie told you what a horrible person I was. And I told you things he and the others didn't know. Yet you're still here, you and Baylee."

Leighanne moved to stand beside him as he continued, amazed at his words.

He turned to her. “It’s only been three months that I’ve been going back to church regularly. And that was an effort made by you. Why? And as far as prayer goes… why would He want to listen to me after what I’ve done?”

Leighanne gasped in shock. “Brian, how can you say that? That’s an awful thing to say! Of course He’ll listen to you. He’s always there, waiting for you to talk to Him.”

"I can't forgive myself," he answered quietly. "How can He? How can anyone?"

Leighanne regarded her husband's lost, forlorn look. The pain in his voice made her want to cry, but instead she said, "God always forgives. As for the rest... well, you'll have to seek answers one day at a time. Ask Him, Brian. Ask Him to forgive you, and guide you."

"I can't," Brian whispered.

"You must," she said, touching his arm. "For me, for Baylee... for yourself."

"I can't erase the past," he said.

"No," she agreed. "But you also can't let it ruin your future. What you do now, from this moment on, is what matters."

Brian heard the truth in her words, saw the love and faith in her eyes. He realized that she had forgiven him... not forgotten, but forgiven. He had hurt her deeply, yet she had chosen to embrace the future rather than cling to the past. He knew he owed it to her to try.

"I know you're right," he said hesitantly, "but... I don't know where to start. How to begin."

Leighanne thought a moment. "When was the last time you read the Bible?"

Brian blinked. How long had it been? Too long, he realized. Leighanne seemed to realize it, too, when he didn't answer. She crossed the room and picked up their Family Bible, gently running her fingers over the worn leather.

She brought the Book to him. "Would you like me to find a place for you to start?"

"Please," Brian said.

She sat down on the couch and waited until her husband was beside her. Turning through the passages, she found the first one.

“Here,” she gave the Book to him, “read this one.”

Brian took the Book from her and glanced down at the passage she was pointing to. It was the twenty-fifth Psalm, verses sixteen through eighteen. He ran his finger over the page and began to read aloud.

“ ‘Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses. Look upon mine affliction and my pain; and…’ “ He stopped at the next word.

When he couldn’t continue, Leighanne leaned over and finished reading for him, " ‘and forgive all my sins.’ "

Brian exhaled and dropped the book in his lap, disgusted and ashamed of himself. He couldn't even say the word 'forgive'.

"Let's try another one," Leighanne suggested as she turned the pages again.

Brian sighed as Leigh gave the book back to him. She had turned to a passage in Isaiah, almost as though she had looked up these scriptures long before.

"I, even I," he read, "am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins."

"There, now," Leigh said, "that one wasn't so hard."

"Yeah, well, it didn't have the word... it didn't have any words I couldn't say."

She took his hand. "Think about what you just read," she said. "You'll find the answers you need. And remember you're not alone. I’m here, and so are your friends."

Brian smiled and squeezed her hand. Olive juice, he mouthed.

Leighanne grinned, then kissed his cheek. “I’m going back to bed. Come when you’re ready. I love you.”

Brian watched her go, then turned back to their Bible. It was still open to the passage in Isaiah. He stared at it, then began turning the pages again. He found the Psalm that Leighanne had shown him and read it aloud again.

“Turn thee unto me,” he read, “and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses. Look upon mine affliction and my pain; and… and f…”

With a growl of frustration, he closed the Bible. Why couldn’t he say it? It was such a simple word, so it should be simple to say.

Not for me, he thought. Not after what I did.

* * *

Brian tried to put on a happy expression, despite how he really felt. Today was Baylee's first birthday, and the party they were giving was meant to be a joyful event. He felt anything but joyful, however. The talk he and Leigh had had the previous night hadn't helped much; he was still lacking answers. He tried to put his thoughts aside and rejoined the gathering.

The scene that met his eyes actually did make him smile, just for a second. Nick was on his knees on the living room carpet, holding his hands out to a teetering Baylee. The child was grinning, eager to reach his Uncle Nicky and the bright blue ball he held. Leigh was laughing, and the other guests were giving encouragement to the one-year old. Giggling, Baylee tottered the final distance and squealed as he acquired his prize. He promptly plopped down, trying to stuff the ball into his mouth.

"You just wanted the ball, birthday boy?" his daddy asked as he stepped fully into the room.

"Da!"

Brian knelt as Baylee tried to stand again. He wobbled once, but his Uncle Nick steadied him. Smiling, he started walking again, this time over to his dad. He squealed in delight when he saw Daddy smiling, and nearly toppled over in his hurry to get there. When he got closer, Daddy's hands reached out to guide him.

Brian looked into his son's loving, trusting, accepting blue eyes and felt his heart twist. How could he have left this beautiful little boy to serve evil? This thought caused his smile to momentarily drop, but it came back when Baylee burbled in his arms, trying to chew on the ball, a birthday present from Nick. He felt someone’s gaze on him and looked up to see Howie watching him, his brown eyes a mix of happiness and concern. He shook his head slightly. He'd talk about it later.

AJ, who had been taping the entire event, spoke. “Is it time for cake and ice cream yet?”

“Kay!” Baylee squealed, dropping the ball to clap his hands.

Brian laughed and stood with his son in his arms. “I guess it is.”

The Littrell guests followed Brian into the dining room, where his mom Jackie was already lighting the candles to Baylee’s Pooh Bear cake. Brian glanced at his son and laughed. Baylee’s eyes had widened when he saw his cake.

“Ooh.”

Brian placed the birthday boy in his high chair, and then put the tiny birthday crown with Pooh on the front on his head.

As everyone began singing ‘Happy Birthday’, Nick, AJ and Howie watched their friend. They had seen his smile momentarily drop away and his eyes darken in remembrance. Kael, they realized. He had spent an entire month away from his son, and it probably would have been longer if they hadn't done something to save him from becoming worse. As Baylee ignored the fork and grabbed his piece of cake with his hand to shove in his mouth, Howie tapped Brian on the arm and motioned for them to step out into the hallway. AJ and Nick followed.

"You okay, Brian?" Nick asked once they were out of earshot of the others.

"Of course I'm okay," Brian replied. "In fact, don't I have a reason to be more than okay? It's Baylee's first birthday."

"Come on bro, it's us. You don't have to deny something's wrong. Please, tell us what's going on."

"Guys, really-"

"Brian Thomas," Howie interrupted, "you tell us the truth."

Brian moved to protest, but stopped. There was no point. These were his friends, and they deserved to know.

With a sigh, he said, "I had another nightmare last night."

His trio of friends exchanged a look. He'd told them about his nightmares, but just like today they had to push him to reveal the problem.

"What happened this time?" AJ asked.

"A bunch of memories," Brian revealed, "but I can't recall some of them right now. What sticks out most is... the day I was kidnapped."

Nick’s eyes widened. "So you really were kidnapped?"

“Yeah,” Brian admitted. He glanced back toward the dining room before speaking again. "It was about seven-thirty the morning after Zator had found us. I had woken up, but I wasn't sure why. At first, I thought it was my son, but after listening for a while, I realized that it wasn't. I made sure to tell Leighanne I loved her, then climbed out of bed and started down the stairs. I didn't see anyone at first, so I headed to the family room." He swallowed, and then continued. "As I crossed into the room, someone forced my arms behind my back. Then I heard laughter... and I knew who it was. Zator had come early for me. He told me he had come to make sure I didn't chicken out at the last minute and try to run away. I must have been knocked out or something, because the next thing I knew, I was waking up in a strange room I didn't recognize. Things are fuzzy after that."

The friends were silent as Brian finished. They had always assumed that it had been willing service, not a kidnapping. How much more was he keeping from them?

“I’m sorry.”

“There you are!”

The boys turned to see Jackie Littrell coming their way. She paused when she saw her son.

“Is everything all right?”

“It is for now, mom,” Brian replied.

Jackie nodded after a slight hesitation. “All right. Baylee’s asking for you.”

Brian smiled and headed back to the dining room to be with his son. Just as he got there, he heard the doorbell. He glanced at his wife.

“Who could that be?”

Leighanne shrugged. “I don’t know. It might be the Davises; they said they’d be a little late.”

“Maybe.”

Brian took his seat beside Baylee and smiled as his son tried to hold out a small piece of cake, intending to give it to his daddy. Unfortunately, he only succeeded in dropping it on the floor. Baylee made an “uh-oh” sound, and then found new interest in the little Pooh, Piglet and Tigger figurines that had been set on his plate.

Brian grabbed a paper towel and knelt down to clean up the mess. As he stood, he heard voices coming down the hallway. His mom was talking to someone, and it didn’t sound like the Davis family.

"Everyone's in here," Jackie said as she entered the dining room.

Brian looked up and saw Kristin appear in the doorway, brightly wrapped gift in hand. She gave him a hesitant smile and moved into the room. Brian felt a sensation of relief when no one followed her. Not that he'd expected him to come; no one knew where he was... He turned to Baylee, who was reaching for Kristin's package with sticky, icing-coated fingers. Laughing, she gave the boy the box. Brian turned back with a grin on his face, but froze the second his eyes registered the figure standing nearby.

In the doorway, unsmiling, was Kevin. The man he hadn't seen, hadn't been able to face, for months. For a split second, their eyes met, but Kevin's emerald gaze quickly darted away. He seemed to shrink back in the doorway, but Leighanne reached out and took his arm. Kevin allowed her to lead him further into the dining room, but he quickly settled in the background, content to observe rather than participate. Brian tried to judge his state of mind, but the fact that his cousin refused to meet his eyes said much more than words. Brian caught glances between Nick, Howie and AJ. It was obvious that Kevin's appearance had taken them by surprise as well.

When had he gotten back? The last he had seen of Kevin was that day in the hospital when... He shook his head to clear it of the memory and turned his attention back to the party. The bruises were gone from the older man's face, of course, but Brian knew that his injuries had been more than physical. He felt a surge of shame and regret sweep through him. He wondered why Kevin didn't seem angry, however. Instead of the rage and hatred he expected, there seemed to be uncertainty and uncharacteristic shyness. He wanted to know, but was unable to ask. He didn't have the slightest idea what to say to his once-close cousin.

He cringed inwardly as he realized how badly he'd broken the bond between them. Kristin caught his eye, but whatever she was trying to convey was lost in the translation. Brian remained in the dark. He watched as Howie brought a soda over to Kevin. They exchanged a few words, but it was so low Brian couldn't hear. He frowned as he saw Kevin's hand shake when he accepted the glass.

"Brian."

He turned to see Kristin at his side. She spoke before he could.

“Just try to meet him halfway," she said. "Just try."

"Kris, he won't even look at me. Would he listen to anything I have to say?"

"You might be surprised," Kristin replied.

Brian glanced over at Kevin again, but he seemed focused on the party. A tiny flicker of hope lit inside him. Maybe he could... It was at least worth a try, wasn't it? Brian steeled himself, and began walking in Kevin's direction. But before he had taken more that two steps Kevin's gaze stopped on him. He paused, and then started again. But that pause had been a mistake; Kevin was moving away. His heart sank as he watched. Maybe Kristin was wrong, and Kevin didn't want to speak to him, let alone look at him. Surely Kevin was hiding his anger because of the party. Brian knew he truly did care for Baylee.

Kevin disappeared through the doorway, and the moment of opportunity was lost. Brian sighed in defeat. He'd been too slow. If only I hadn't stopped. He turned back to his mother, who was gesturing for a picture of Daddy and the birthday boy. He smiled as he sat beside his son. Baylee reached for him, and he removed the boy from his high chair, sitting him in his lap. Baylee looked to his grandma and grinned. Brian followed his gaze and did the same.

Nick watched, puzzled, as Kevin left the room. His oldest brother was acting like a stranger, and he needed to know why. Over the last eight months, he had been able to count their conversations on one hand, and not a single one had been meaningful. It was time that changed. Determined, Nick headed out the door after him. It didn't take long to find Kevin. He was seated on the front step, staring at the sidewalk. For a moment, Nick didn't know what to say. Then, shrugging, he simply sat down next to him.

“So what's going on?" the blond asked, as if it were an ordinary exchange.

Kevin shrugged. "Nice party," he said.

"Sorry, try again."

Kevin turned in slight surprise, staring into azure eyes. "What?"

"I said, try again. You know I'm not talking about the party."

Kevin scowled. "Leave me alone, Nicky."

"First of all, my name's Nick, not Nicky. And second, you've been alone for eight months. That's long enough."

"You don't know anything about it," Kevin shot back.

"Yeah, because you've shut me, and everyone else, out!"

"I have my reasons," he grated. "And I don't want to-"

"Wrong," Nick interrupted. "It's way past time we talked about this."

Kevin clenched his jaw and remained silent.

"Kev," Nick said in a quieter voice, "listen. What we all went through... well, it's in the past now. We need to move on, together. And I don't mean getting together for an hour every week or so to go over business stuff. I mean we need to reconnect."

He was surprised a moment later when, instead of arguing, Kevin simply slumped his shoulders and hung his head.

"I can't. You don't understand."

"Then tell me," Nick said. "We went through the same thing. What don't I understand?”

"But it wasn't the same thing," Kevin said. "Not at all."

"I nearly died!" Nick said. "If it hadn't been for Zanell, and Brian giving her back the healing amulet..."

"I know."

"Then how can you say I don't understand?"

"You've only known Brian for ten years," Kevin said. "I've known him all his life."

"But what does that have to do with-"

"Brian's family," was Kevin's answer.

"Well, so are we," Nick said.

"It's different with us as a group, Nick. Brian and I are blood family. The five of us are like family because of our time together." He looked away. "At least, we were family."

"We still are." Nick placed a hand on Kevin's shoulder. "We just went through a big trial recently, and the rift isn't completely closed. We need to work together to mend it."

Kevin didn't answer. Nick was surprised when he felt a slight trembling under his hand.

"Kev, what..."

"It's cold out here," came the too-quick reply.

"Right," Nick said. "Let's go in and continue this where it's warmer."

"I'd rather let it rest," Kevin said.

"I'd rather not."

Kevin blinked, surprised at the tone in Nick's voice.

"Don't look so surprised, Kev," Nick said, seemingly reading his mind. "I've done a lot of growing up in the last eight months."

Wish I could say the same, Kevin thought bitterly.

"Come on, Kev." Nick stood. "Let's get back to the party."

Kevin hesitated a few moments longer, and then reluctantly joined his younger friend. They crossed into the living room, where AJ was busy changing tapes in his video camera. He paused in what he was doing and regarded the pair.

"Hey, guys. What's up?"

"Just talking," Nick said.

"Really?" AJ asked, looking hopefully at Kevin.

Kevin avoided his glance and looked suddenly uncomfortable. AJ sighed and finished his work, then picked up the camera.

"A videographer's work is never done," he said dramatically, making Nick grin and roll his eyes.

Sensing the two needed to have a little solitude, he went back into the kitchen, where the action was still going strong. AJ was about to continue taping when he caught Brian's gaze.

He stepped up to his friend. "Nick followed him. They're talking."

"I don't think I should intrude, then," Brian answered.

Might be better if you did. "Give them a little bit," AJ agreed. "But this is the first time we've all been together in a long time. I'm not about to let him sneak out the door."

~~~

With most of the guests gone, Brian felt it was a good time to start cleaning up the mess left in the kitchen and dining room. His parents were outside with Kristin, Leighanne and Baylee in the backyard. AJ and Howie had joined Nick and Kevin in the living room. They had been talking for the last half-hour, but Brian just hadn’t been able to join. He had made the attempt once, but a quick glance from Kevin sent him back to the dining room before he’d even crossed through the doorway. There was fear in his eyes; fear of what Brian might do to him. Or was it what Kael might do?

The thought made him pause, an empty paper plate in his hand hovering over the trash bag. Was Kevin afraid of Kael coming back? It seemed ludicrous to be worried about it, because Kael was gone. But then those few horrible days of eight months ago came back to his mind. He lowered into a chair. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense that Kevin would be afraid of Kael returning and causing more harm to them all. He had to make Kevin see that Kael was gone forever and there was nothing to worry about. But how could he when the man wouldn’t even speak to him?

He sighed heavily and got to his feet. As he went back to cleaning up, he hoped that an opportunity would present itself so he could talk to Kevin. As he began taking apart the cardboard boxes that came from Baylee’s presents, he noticed that the trash bag was getting full. He stuffed as much of the wrapping paper into it as he could, most of it being non-salvageable thanks to Baylee’s attempts at opening his gifts. He tied the bag and set it against a wall, then headed to the kitchen for another one.

Brian looked under the sink where the trash bags were normally kept, but didn't find any. Looking around the kitchen, on the counters, on top of the fridge, proved unsuccessful. Maybe I left them in the dining room, he thought. Or maybe we're out. He turned to head back to the dining room to look when he saw his cousin standing in the doorway and froze. Brian expected him to turn and leave, but Kevin didn't move. Meet him halfway...

Brian blinked, gathered his courage, and said, "Um, Kev... I think we need to talk. Would that be okay?"

Something unreadable flickered in emerald eyes, and there was a long, heavy pause.

"I suppose," came the quiet answer.

Brian allowed himself a small smile. "Do... do you want to head to my study?" he offered. "Or we could stay here... or the dining room... or-"

"The study's fine."

Brian led the way, wondering how the two were going to break the ice. It had been a long time… He held the study door open for Kevin to go through when they reached it. As he stepped inside, he closed the door only slightly, leaving it open so neither of them would feel trapped.

"You can sit, if you like," he said, motioning to the chairs and loveseat in the room opposite the bookshelf.

Brian could see the tension in his cousin's shoulders as Kevin chose a chair. Still, he had agreed to try and talk. It was something. He gave Kevin space and took the loveseat. There was silence for a minute or two as Brian tried to gather his thoughts. He saw Kevin glance at the door once, and noticed a look of relief on his face when he saw that it wasn't completely closed.

"First off," Brian began softly, "I guess... I wanted to know if you're okay." It was the same thing he had wondered eight months ago before Kevin left, but he hoped the answer would be different from the last time.

Kevin considered the deceptively simple question. "I don't know how to answer that," he said truthfully.

I was afraid of that, Brian thought. "Did you... heal okay?" he asked. "Physically, I mean. I know you were hurting pretty badly after... after what happened..."

"I got a clean bill of health," Kevin said, his voice flat and neutral.

Brian looked away.

The dark-haired man glanced down. "I'm sorry, this is hard."

"I know," Brian murmured. "I'm sorry too. You don't want to hear that, I'm sure. But really, I am."

"AJ was talking just a bit ago... he says it all started with a kidnapping. I... “ A pained look crossed his face as his words stopped.

Brian looked away. "Yeah. AJ's right, that's how it started. I told Leighanne shortly after we got home. Maybe if you knew..." he risked a glance at his cousin and saw Kevin meet his gaze. Hoping it was a good sign, he took a deep breath. "AJ and the others only know about it because I admitted that I'd had a nightmare about that day. It was early in the morning, around seven-thirty. I had woken up for some reason, and at first I thought it was Baylee."

"He's growing up quick," Kevin remarked.

Brian shuddered slightly. "A little too fast for my liking. Anyway, I realized after a while that it wasn't Baylee, but I just couldn't get back to sleep. I got up and dressed, making sure to tell Leighanne I loved her, because that was the day I was going to be leaving her..." he paused and swallowed as Kevin looked away, but he continued. "I headed downstairs, but I didn't see anyone. Not at first, anyway. I headed for the family room to look around and just as I got through the doorway, someone forced my arms behind me. And then I heard laughter and realized that Zator had come early for me. He said he came to make sure I didn't chicken out and try to run away. After that..." he admitted, "things are fuzzy. I remember waking up in a room I didn't recognize, and… after that I can't remember much other than the... the training."

Brian looked up as he finished the story. "I think you can figure out the rest."

Kevin's frown deepened, but Brian knew it wasn't from anger. Despite all that had transpired between them, he realized that Kevin was struggling to understand.

"How did you become Kael?" he finally asked, his voice a pained whisper.

"I... it's hard to explain," Brian offered. "Part of it was the training, but it seemed like the more time I spent in Zator's company, the less of the real me there was."

"Did they brainwash you?"

"No," Brian said slowly. "Not... that I'm aware of. Really, it just seemed like Zator pulled something out of me whenever I was around him. Soon I forgot all about my old life." He shook his head. "Although I can't see why now."

Kevin stood, ran a hand through his hair, and began moving. For a second, Brian thought he was heading for the door, but Kevin surprised him once again as he stepped over to the nearest bookcase. Idly, Kevin's slightly shaking hands traveled across the spines of the books as he tried to come to grips with what he had just learned. His focus was miles, and months, away from the present. Brian waited, wondering what was going through his head. Finally Kevin spoke, although he kept his gaze elsewhere.

"Brainwashed would have helped me to... to accept things. But you just admitted you weren't brainwashed. How am I supposed to take that?"

"I don't have all the answers," Brian said softly. "I've been struggling with this ever since I came back."

Kevin turned. "And now? How much of Kael is left?"

Brian met his gaze. "As soon as I came back home, things began changing. The old feelings, the things that created Kael... they've never returned. It's like he died."

"But by your admittance, Kael was a part of you," Kevin said. "What happens if Zator returns?"

"Then I'll fight him with everything I have," Brian declared.

Kevin shook his head. "What if he does the same? What if he threatens Baylee or Leighanne... or Howie or AJ or Nick? Would you risk it?"

"I'd rather die fighting than ever give in to the chance of betrayal again." Brian paused. "You didn't include yourself on that list, Kev."

"I know."

"I'd do the same for you," Brian said. "I won't risk betraying you again. It's not worth living with, believe me. Not a day goes by that I don't struggle with the guilt." He looked at his hands, toying with his wedding ring. "Kev, you have every right to hate me. I know forgiveness is out of the question."

Kevin was silent for nearly a minute. Then, in a voice just above a whisper, he said, "Have you ever been in an earthquake?"

"What?"

"An earthquake."

"No, not really. What does that have to do with-?"

"That's what it was like," Kevin said hollowly. "The ground that had always seemed so solid and stable and strong suddenly went out of control. There was no balance, no safety, no sense or reason or defense." He grimaced. "That's what happened, Brian. The solid foundation I had always counted on was ripped away. And from that moment on, I haven't been able to trust anything."

"Or anyone," Brian whispered.

"Family... I had always counted on family above all else. More than music, more than fame or money or success. Family was the one constant I could count on. Brian, I have always known that your actions weren't from your heart. But that didn't lessen the sense of betrayal and pain the whole thing caused. Everything I assumed was solid and unshakable was ripped out from under me that day. I never thought that...” He stopped, emotions catching the words in his throat.

"I can't change what happened," Brian said. "I would, but I can't. All I can do is move forward. And maybe try to build a bridge again, a trust between us."

Kevin didn't answer.

"Kev, please."

"Things will never be the same," the older man said in a strained voice. "Not for me."

Brian bit his lip. "Then there's no chance?"

"Chance of what? Forgiveness? I know it was Kael that did those terrible things. The Brian I always knew never would. I will never forgive Kael."

"But..." Brian prompted.

"But if you aren't Kael, then... I...” He stopped. "Then there's not much to forgive."

"I made the decision to leave and serve him," Brian murmured.

"And why did you do it? Greed, hatred, malevolence?"

"No," Brian answered. "I did it to protect Leighanne and Baylee."

Kevin's voice softened. "Then you did it for love, from a desire to... to protect the ones you care for." Emerald eyes caught Brian's gaze. "That makes all the difference."

"That will always be my motive for anything," Brian said with a small smile.

"So... you might have made a major mistake in judgment, but you don't need forgiveness. Especially from me."

The blond tilted his head slightly at the last comment. "Especially? What does that mean?"

Kevin shook his head and said, "Nothing."

When no more words were forthcoming, Brian let it rest. A lot had been covered, and he didn't want to push things.

"I'm glad you came today," he said. "I didn't expect it, but I'm glad."

"I love Baylee," Kevin said elusively. "I hated the thought of missing his first birthday."

Once again, Brian declined comment. According to Leighanne, Kevin had only returned home two months ago. Obviously he'd had a lot on his mind; Brian finally had an inkling as to what was going on with his cousin. He considered their talk to be a victory, the first step towards healing their relationship. It was enough.