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I blinked back the tears as I drove away. Trying to keep it together was harder than I thought it would be today. I grabbed my phone from the center console, and hit speed dial 2.

“What’s up, babe?” Gage’s voice rang so loud, I winced.

“Hey, Gage,” I started, clearing my throat. “I’m gonna have to take a rain check on breakfast this morning.” The tears starting to trickle down my cheeks.

“What’s wrong? Where are you?” I was prepared for this. Gage had been something close to my guardian angel for a few years now, and could read me like a book. Even when we weren’t around each other.

“I think I need to go to a meeting.” Silence.

“What? Why?” the panic is his voice started to rise; I could hear him trying to mellow it out. At the same time, the tears threatened to start pouring. I pulled over. “Harley?”

“I’m here.” Was all I could manage, losing the grip on my composure.

“Harley, you’re sobbing. Where are you? I’ll come get you.” I could hear him getting around, hear him grab his keys.

“I went and visited dad and Zane.” I spit it out between breaths, trying to deflect his need to rescue me.

“Oh.” He said, exhaling loudly. His whole attitude changed. “Wanna talk about it?”

I laughed through my tears, clearly thrown by the question. “Do I ever?”

Gage sighed. “No. But Harley, why didn’t you tell me? I could have gone with you. And why so early?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I needed to talk to them. I waited all night for the sun to come up. I didn’t want to wait anymore.” I took a deep breath, trying to get a hold of myself.

“I thought we had agreed today wouldn’t be a good day…” his voice lingered. I could tell he was upset. He was just going to have to get over it.

“I changed my mind. I needed to.” Anger started to seep into my voice, although I was trying not to get so irritable. I definitely needed a meeting. I took a deep breath. “Listen, Gage. I just called to let you know I couldn’t do breakfast this morning. I’ll be at the shop at open, okay?”

“No way. I don’t want you coming in today. You go to your meeting and then go home...” He shot back.

“You’re not the one that decides that. I’ll see you at noon.” I hung up the phone; I wasn’t going to wait for him to protest. My phone automatically started ringing again, I hit silent and slid it back in the console. I opened the driver’s side visor, and looked in the mirror. I was a wreck. Yesterday’s makeup was streaming down my cheeks with my tears; my hair was a messy knot on my head. I took another deep breath. Damn Harley, what were you thinking? I blinked my eyes, trying to clear the last of the tears away. I took out a tissue from my purse and wiped my face, adjusted my glasses, and looked back into the mirror. It’ll have to do. I have to go to a meeting. I was afraid if I detoured it home first, I would never make it back out. The urge to lock myself away from the world was way too strong.

I signaled and pulled back out onto the street, aware that it had started raining. Luckily where I was going was just down the street. I hate driving in rain. It spikes my anxiety up big time. As if I don’t have enough of that….

I took my usual spot behind the limestone building, and my stomach starting flip-flopping. Kind of sad that I have a usual spot, now that I think about it. Whatever. I grabbed my purse from the passenger seat, and got out of the car. I locked it, and took another deep breath, looking back at the building. It had been a while since I’d been here; I was thinking I didn’t need it as much. Obviously, this wasn’t the case.

I climbed the stairs, holding onto the rickety metal railing. The bottom of it was rusty from years of sitting in the weather with no care. I opened the heavy door and entered, wiping my feet on the black rubber mat just inside the door. I looked down the long hallway, thinking nothing had changed at all. I ran my fingers along the wall and I walked towards the door, thinking I was grounding myself. Making myself realize that I was really here, really suffering, and really reaching out. I should be praising myself. It only pissed me off.

I got to the door, and looked through the window. People were still milling about. I glanced at my watch. Two minutes to nine. Perfect, it was just about to start. I wasn’t interrupting anything. Or anyone. I took one more breath and opened the door, plastering a fake smile on my face.

I walked over to our director, and looked him in his eyes. I normally tried to stay away from him, but not today.

“Harley, I’m surprised to see you.” Dave said, and it was obvious in his expression.

“I would like to start the meeting.” I said, the smile still plastered. He looked confused, and I just stared at him.

“Of course,” he replied, “not a problem. I’ll call everyone together now.”

I made my way to the front of the room, walls bare except for a few inspirational posters. My shoes squeaked on the linoleum, but I only vaguely noticed. After everyone sat and quieted down, I stepped towards the podium. I looked out into about a dozen faces, most of them I’d never seen before. This only made me even more emotional.

“My name is Harley. I am a drug addict and an alcoholic.”