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Chapter 10

As soon as we got to the next venue, I holed myself in the bathroom, resting my head on the cool tile floor. I knew those two Cokes would come back to haunt me; my head was pounding. “Ally?”

“This is the girls room Nick,” I kept my eyes closed; it hurt to keep them open.

“You’re the only girl here, I think I’m safe.” I felt him kneel down next to me, “are you okay?” He checked to see if I had a fever and I whimpered when he touched my forehead.

“My head is killing me, I’ll be fine.”

“Shit, we need to get you to the hospital then.” I knew he would think it would be about the concussion that I no longer had.

“No, I just had two Cokes last night,” I propped myself up against the wall and stared at him. All I could think about was my conversation last night with Alex. I couldn’t picture Nick not strong. He had always been rational when it came to making decisions. For him to break down like Alex said he did, he must’ve really been heartbroken. It made me angry.

“You know your low tolerance for caffeine,” he sighed.

I shrugged, “I had a lot on my mind anyways.”

“Like what?”

I shrugged, I wasn’t ready to tell him, “Just stuff…you know.” He nodded. I’m sure he knew what that stuff was.




I needed to eat something. I wasn’t hungry but I knew that if I took aspirin without eating, my headache would get a lot worse. “Hey Ally,” Brian smiled as he sat down next to me.

“Hi,” I smiled sadly. I felt like I was falling into a depression over this whole thing. “Brian, why did my mother contact BJ?” I knew he and Nick had talked about it. Brian and Alex had always been his go to person whenever he needed advice.

Brian sighed, “I know you’ve been under a lot of stress, trying to decide what to do. I’m not sure if telling you is the right thing to do right now.”

“Please? I’m starting to lose my mind. Everyone tells me that I need to make this decision on my own, but how am I supposed to do that if I know nothing about the situation? If I make a decision, it’ll be based on false information and I don’t want that to happen.”

Brian smiled, “Nick raised you right Ally. You’re a good kid.” I smiled but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “Jen contacted BJ because wants to see you. She saw some photos of you and Nick leaving an airport on an entertainment website and said you’re almost an adult now, and she thinks you’re mature enough to hear her reasons for doing what she did.” What if I didn’t want to hear them? I wanted her to know what it was like to want someone who didn’t want to be there. But was that fair?

“So, you think she’s been waiting for me to be an adult about it? Hoping that I might see the error of her ways and forgive her so we can all be a happy little family again?”

He patted my head, “I can’t tell you yes or no but I can say that you’re much smarter than anyone gives you credit for Al.”

“Thanks Bri, this helped a lot.” I caught up with Alex as he saw him heading outside. “I have some more questions.”

“Can it wait until after the show tonight?”

“No. It needs to be now.”

He sighed and stared at me, “fine. But you can’t stop me from being a bad influence this time,” he took out a pack of cigarettes and lead me around the corner. “What do you want to know?”

“Was she a nice person?”

“Do you think your Dad would’ve fell in love with her if she wasn’t?”

“That’s not an answer, love can blind you. What was your opinion on her?”

He shrugged, “I had a feeling from the beginning that the relationship wouldn’t last, but Nick was in love, and she seemed equally smitten so I didn’t say anything. Then I banished the thought once they told everyone she was pregnant. Then…Nick found the note.”

“She couldn’t have been that nice if she left a fucking note,” I scowled. Alex just shrugged. I think he agreed.

“Uncle Howie,” I caught up to him as he was about to step on his bus.

“Hey Al, you okay?”

“Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Is this about your mother?” I nodded and he led me into his bus. “Want something to drink?”

“No thanks.”

“What did you want to know?”

“Did you know her?”

He shrugged, “sort of. I only saw her whenever Nick was around.”

“So like…you didn’t know how she was? Alex told me that he thought she wasn’t that nice but you know how he is, he holds a grudge, I thought that maybe it was clouding his vision.”

Howie nodded, “She was nice. A little high strung, but she was nice.”

“Like she couldn’t take a joke?” I didn’t like people who couldn’t take jokes. I grew up with Nick constantly pulling pranks and telling jokes. I scowled at the people who didn’t laugh. I always thought Nick was the funniest person I knew. If someone didn’t laugh at his jokes, then that meant they didn’t like him. If they didn’t like Nick, then I didn’t like them.

“No,” he looked thoughtful and I knew that I should’ve gone to Howie all along. He wasn’t judgmental. “She laughed at any joke we told. But she worried too much about the little things.” I frowned; I had a tendency to do that. I wanted all my traits to come from Nick not her. “Is her being funny going to factor into your decision?” I wanted it to but I just shrugged.

“I don’t know what will and what won’t anymore. I don’t want to make this decision at all. I want to forget she even existed.”

“I know Ally,” he hugged me. “But it’s almost over.”

I nodded even though I knew it would never be over.



As I watched them perform, I thought about Jen. Now that I knew her name, I wasn’t going to call her my mother, because she wasn’t. Nick had been both parents growing up. I had a lot more bits and pieces thanks to Howie, Alex and Brian but I wanted to know more about her though. What did she look like? Where did she live now? What if she lived in Sarasota still? What if she was only thirty minutes from me my whole life? Who does that? It all became very clear. I stopped Nick as they made their way off stage after their last encore.

“Hey, you feel better? Your headache gone?”

I just nodded. “I just want you to know that you’re a great Dad, the best in fact. You were always there for me even when I didn’t want you to be. You held my hand whenever I was scared and showed me how to be a great person. I hope someday that I can be half as great as you are.”

He stared at me for a moment and I swear he started to blush. “Thanks baby,” he whispered and kissed my forehead.

“I have you.” I motioned to Alex, Howie and Brian as they watched our little exchange, “and I have them. I’m a lucky girl for being surrounded by people who love me so much.”

They all grinned at me and Nick said, “Yeah, you are.”

“Then I don’t need her.” I looked up at him, “I don’t need her because I like the way my life is right now. I have you, and I have my aunts and uncles, and they’re all the family I need. I think my heart is pretty full right now, I don’t have room for one more.”

I don’t think he knew what to say, “Ally…are you sure?” I nodded, “Let’s go talk about this.” He led me to the green room and I was surprised when Alex, Brian and Howie followed us in too. “So explain your logic to me Ally. You don’t want her in your life? I thought you always had.”

I shrugged, “I thought I did too. I wanted to ask her all of these questions about why she did what she did but I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it.” I took a giant breath before continuing. “I can forgive her for deserting me,” I said. “I may not want to, but I can. I can because as much as a connection that I have to her, I didn’t know her.” I looked over at him to see him watching me intently, they all were. “I never knew her. Growing up, you there when I woke up from a bad dream, not her.” I put my hand on his arm, “but you loved her. And she left you, and I can’t forgive her for that.”

He looked surprised, “what? Ally, you can’t base your decision on something like that.”

“Yes I can. She hurt you in a way that no one else could. And I can’t forgive her for that.”

He shook his head, “I’m fine Ally. I think you need to reconsider this.”

“Do you want her back in our life?”

“She’d be in your life Ally, not mine.”

My eyes narrowed, “You’re a pretty important part of my life Nick, you’re the first and last person I go to for everything.”

He sighed, “Alexandra, are you really sure? Are you sure you thought this completely through?”

“Yes, I have.” He left the room without another word and left me staring after him.