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Chapter 22

My dreams that night were riddled with guilt, helplessness and Jen.

I felt myself drowning and when I looked above the wreckage I saw Nick, Alex and Chelsea staring down at me. But I was stuck inside this sinking ship, with Jen as she clung to my ankle. The more I tried to break free, the more she pulled me in further. No amount of flailing my arms would save me. Then amidst the panic and despair that hit me, everything drifted away. Nick dove under the water, maneuvering through the pieces of the broken ship and pulled me up. I watched as Jen disappeared into the deep water, finally fading out of sight.

I woke up in a sweat, breathing heavily, feeling like I was choking on air. The sound of the rain added to the anxiety of the moment, and for no reason at all, I burst into tears. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. All I wanted was to forget she ever existed, but when I wasn’t thinking about her, I was dreaming about her. And that’s what kept making me feel like I was drowning. I just wanted to forget she ever existed.

I snuck out of my room and went to the kitchen. It was pitch black outside, which would’ve scared me completely but I couldn’t stop thinking about Jen. I stood under the awning outside the patio door and listened to the rain.

I grew up hating thunderstorms but fell in love with the rain. Nick used to tell me that they were explosions of emotion. Mine in particular. If I held everything inside of me, then I would eventually burst, like the clouds, and everything would eventually pour out of me. Whenever it started to rain I ran to Nick and confessed all of my deepest darkest secrets because I wanted the rain to stop so he would know that I wasn’t hiding anything anymore. After a while I stopped believing him but the rain was coming down so hard tonight, I wondered if he was thinking the same thing, because I was holding everything in.

Alex walking into the kitchen caught my eye. He was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels and reached into the cabinet for a glass. Nick rushed into the room and said, “if you plan on bringing this kind of behavior into this house, you are no longer welcome here Alex.”

Alex looked so sad, “I know. I just…I don’t know how else to deal with the pain.”

“Drinking isn’t going to solve anything,” Nick took the bottle away from him and I sighed in relief. I didn’t want to watch Alex spiral out of control again. I couldn’t watch him fall apart.

“I know Nick. Don’t give me a lecture.”

Nick’s face hardened. If he found me here, while I was still grounded, he’d go on a rampage. Once Nick’s temper got going, it was hard to stop it. “Just don’t do anything stupid. Especially with my daughter in this house.” Nick left the kitchen with the bottle, leaving Alex with an empty glass. My tears mixed in with the steady rain that fell.

He came out onto the patio and lit up his cigarette, “I’m glad you didn’t do it.”

I swear he jumped a mile high. “Jesus Ally, you scared the fuck out of me.”

I ignored him, “why would you do it?”

He took a minute to answer, “I don’t know,” his voice cracked on the last word and that’s when I started to cry. “It was familiar.”

I flung my arms around him, “You can’t do that again,” I cried. “Promise me. Promise me. Promise me you don’t go down that path again.” When he didn’t answer me right away I hugged him tighter, “promise me Alex.”

He wrapped an arm around me to hug me back, “I promise Ally. I’m sorry.”

The door opened wider and Nick stepped out onto the patio, “Ally? What are you doing out here?”

“Sorry,” I tried to sneak past him but he blocked the door. “I couldn’t sleep, so I came out here.”

“How long have you been here?”

I looked over at Alex, who was avoiding my gaze, and then back up at Nick, “Just came out now. Can I go back inside now?” He let me through and I didn’t head up to my room, but to the dining room, where the wet bar was. I wiped my eyes and opened the cabinet, taking a handful of the bottles and bringing them to the sink. I unscrewed the Jack Daniels and poured it down the drain. Then I took the Vodka and emptied it into the sink too. I went to pick up the Whiskey but a hand went over mine to stop me. I looked up and saw Nick, frowning down at me. “He can’t do that again. I won’t let him.”

“He’s strong Ally, he won’t.”

“He almost did tonight.” I sniffled, “there’s so many bad things happening to all of us. I just want to make it all stop, but I can’t. I don’t know what to do but I do know that I will not let Alex hurt himself.” I shook his hand off and went to dump the Whiskey down the drain again.

“Alexandra stop,” He took the bottle from me and put it back in the cabinet.

“Dad, we have to help him,” I started to cry again, “we can’t let him go back to that.”

His put his hands on my shoulders and frowned down at me, “Ally, he won’t. I’ve known him a lot longer than you have. I know how strong he is.” He was right. He did know him a lot better than I did. I’ve only ever seen him weak once. And that was Rehab. I never wanted to see that Alex ever again.

“Promise?”

“I promise.” He led me to the stairs, “Now try and get some sleep, you still have school in the morning.”

“Ally,” I looked back and saw Alex walking into the kitchen. I bit my lip; if I said anything to him I’d start crying again. He came to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, “I’m sorry you had to see that baby. I don’t want to hurt you, me or anyone else okay? I promise that the next time I feel like taking a drink, I’ll talk to someone about it.”

I started crying again, “I just don’t want to see you like that again.”

“Me either, and I’m strong enough to keep that side at bay.” He looked so determined, like he wanted to believe what he was saying.

If only I believed him.