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Chapter 42

I opened my eyes even though I didn’t want to. What was the point?

Chelsea was –

I refused to think what the end of the sentence was. Because it wasn’t true. There was no way it could be. But just the thought had my body near convulsion. I heard a voice in my ear telling me to calm down, and when I saw that it was Nick, I crumbled. “Daddy,” I breathed into his shoulder. His hand was in my hair and his shoulders were shaking. He was crying. “Daddy I thought I’d never see you again.”

“I know,” his voice was shaky, “God baby, I was so scared I was going to lose you.” I didn’t care if my head was still pounding; he kissed my head over and over again as we cried together.

“There was a hand over my heart, but he wasn’t leading me to you,” I clung to him. “He was pulling me away from you and I kept screaming your name, but he wouldn’t listen.” I wiped my eyes against his shoulder, refusing to let go of him. “I refused to give up without a fight.”

“I’m glad,” He whispered, “I taught you to fight with everything you are.”

“I love you,” I whispered, staring at his face. “I never thought I’d get to say that to you again.”

Tears still poured down his cheeks, “I love you too Ally. I was so scared I’d never get to hear you tell me that again.”

Then I closed my eyes and thought of Chelsea. Moments ago I didn’t even want to think about it, but now that I knew Nick was here, and he wasn’t leaving my side, I had to know. “Dad, is Chelsea…?”

His face gave it away, and I didn’t care about the pain. “Please don’t get upset baby. They’ll have to come in and calm you down if you can’t control yourself.”

“How can I?” I wanted to shriek. I shook my head even though it hurt, “Never mind, don’t tell me.”

His voice broke when he said, “I’m so sorry Ally. I’m so sorry.”

So it was true. “She’s…dead?” Suddenly my body wasn’t in pain anymore.

Nick couldn’t speak for a moment. “They thought you were dead too for a minute. They had to use a machine to jump start your heart. That’s why you have burns on your chest.” He was talking but I wasn’t listening to him. “Your ribs collapsed, you went into cardiac arrest,” his voice was shaky. “They did everything they could to save you.”

I tried to sound coherent, “they couldn’t save Chelsea?”

He grabbed my good hand, “I’m so sorry Ally. It was instant; there was nothing they could do.” He wiped his eyes, “but at least she didn’t suffer.”

My best friend was dead. She wasn’t ever coming back. We were so happy, talking about fairytales, and falling in love, and now this. Despair ripped through me. “Why did this happen? What did we do wrong to deserve this?”

“You did nothing wrong okay? Someone ran a red light…”

My eyes felt so swollen, like they’d be filled with tears for the rest of my life. “I want her to be alive.”

Nick’s shoulders convulsed once and then he gently placed both hands on my face, “Me too baby. I wish she was here too.” That was all he said, because there was nothing anyone could do to bring her back. There was nothing anyone could say that would make me feel better about losing my best friend.

Stupidly I whispered, “If I could go back in time, I would offer to drive-”

“Don’t say that,” Nick snapped. But I ignored the emotion behind his voice. If I could’ve saved Chelsea, I would’ve, and that was the only way to save her. But that meant that if I died that Nick wouldn’t know what to do with himself. Save Chelsea or save Nick – they were two people that I couldn’t live without and right now, I was living without one.

I had always assumed that my heart was comprised of four pieces, all jumbled and misshaped but if you put them together, they fit perfectly. One piece represented Nick, another Alex and another Chelsea, but the last piece was missing – and it had been missing for as long as I could remember, but I was still able to breathe in and out just fine. But now that Chelsea’s piece was taken away, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t function properly because a whole half of my heart was gone.

“Don’t get yourself worked up Ally,” Nick whispered, but the long deep breaths I was taking to try and calm myself down were only making it worse. I heard one of the machines start to wheeze and a few seconds later, Abby entered the room.

“Are you okay sweetie?”

“No,” I whispered, “I’m in pain.”

Nick tried to soothe my by rubbing his thumb over the palm of my hand but it wasn’t working.

Half of my heart was missing.

Abby put her head on my hands and for a brief moment, the pain reprieved. “The swelling has gone down a little, has the pain lessened?”

My head was fine, my heart on the other hand…

“Now that your father is here, can we talk about what happened?”

I grabbed Nick’s hand and nodded, “I already know what happened. My best friend is dead.”

Abby frowned and I couldn’t tell whether she was sympathetic or if she pitied me. “I’m sorry Ally, I know how hard this must be to process, how devastating it all is.”

“You’re strong baby,” Nick whispered encouragingly, “You don’t feel it now, but you’re gonna get through this just fine.”

I nodded but I wasn’t so sure about that.

“You are Ally, you’ve already showed so much strength…”

I scoffed even though it hurt my chest, “no I haven’t.”

Abby sat down at the edge of my bed and smiled, “of course you have. Sometimes after accidents like this, not many people open their eyes again.” I felt Nick take a shaky breath and Abby smiled at him, “but you knew everyone was waiting for you. You have a great family here who is going to be here for you and with you while you recover.”

“How long will I have to be in here?” I just wanted to go crawl in a hole and die right now. I didn’t want to be alive.

Abby shrugged, “That depends on your willingness to get better. After experiencing a loss like you have, some people tend to retreat within themselves and forget about the world around them. I can already see that your Dad isn’t going to let you get away with that,” she chuckled slightly when Nick nodded his head. “So once we get your heart a bit stronger, we can start working on getting everything else stronger as well.”

“My heart hurts so bad,” I whispered, “I don’t think it’ll ever beat normally again. I’m ruined.”

“No, you’re definitely not ruined.” Abby said quickly, “I tell my patients that when you think you’re at the end of your rope,” she smiled softly, “just tie a knot and hang on.”

Nick smiled, “Yeah, and you used to love to tie knots when you were a kid, so make sure you tie them tight.”

“So Ally, what do you remember about that night?”

Tears were already stinging my eyes again. “Chelsea and I went to the movies because she wanted to see that new dance one even though I didn’t want to. I wanted to see that alien movie. I remember Skyping with Nick, and he told me that we could go see it when he got back from LA. I remember I hated the movie.” Abby chuckled and I tried to smile, “But Chelsea’s had a bit of a hard time lately so if it made her happy then I could grin and bare it.” I turned my hand over and latched onto Nick’s. He squeezed reassuringly. “After the movie, all she could talk about was how hot the actor was, and that she was going to marry him one day.” I chuckled, “Then we started arguing about the perfect life. She thought I had one and she wanted one. She always used to tease me that I had the perfect life, the perfect grades, the perfect vacations,” I glanced at Nick, “the perfect father.” He smiled softly and kissed my hand. “And it was her time to get everything she wanted; she worked so hard for it all.

“What happened after the movie?” Abby asked so softly that I had to strain to hear her.

It was hard to remember though. It felt like that single memory was sitting in a giant puddle in the middle of my brain, muddy and opaque. “It’s hard to remember.” No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get the image to clear. But then, for just once second, I saw Chelsea dancing like a maniac in the driver’s seat while we were at a red light.” “Oh Chelsea,” I started to cry.

“It’s okay baby,” Nick whispered in my ear. “She’s not in pain, and she’s being taken care of wherever she is.”

The red light. “It started to rain…and I remembered thinking that I hated storms at night, and hoped that it was only just rain or else I’d be in Nick’s closet all by myself tonight.” Abby chuckled. “Chelsea said she wanted to dance, because the movie had made her happy.” I took a deep breath and muddled my way through the rest of the memory. “We were stopped at a red light…we were dancing…the light turned green,” my watery eyes tried to focus on Nick, “and I don’t remember anything else. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay,” said Abby. “That was great that you remembered all of that. Do you want me to tell you what happened about the stuff you don’t remember?” I nodded. “Chelsea was driving,” she started. “It was raining, it had just started. It was about 10pm on a Wednesday night, it’s now Friday morning.” Her whole demeanor suddenly changed, “The other vehicle ran a red light; wanted to plow through it so they could get somewhere faster. They instead plowed right into Chelsea’s car.” I felt like hyperventilating again. “The car hit the driver’s side head on, and pushed it up onto the curb. Your head cracked the passenger side window, and when the car rolled upside down, you cracked your ribs.” She was whispering now, “When the paramedics pulled you out of the vehicle, your ribs punctured your lungs, which caused cardiac arrest. They were able to save you though with a defibrillator. It’ll take about eight weeks for your lung to heal fully, the wound is pretty big and we need to monitor it closely to make sure it doesn’t become infected. You also have a pretty severe concussion and we thought you were going to fall into a coma but the swelling is healing and you should make a full recovery. Your right hand got crushed in the crash and we’re still trying to see if you need surgery to help it heal properly.”

I couldn’t really comprehend anything she was telling me, and she seemed to sense that because she smiled softly, “I know it’s a lot of handle, and if you have any questions, I’ll be here to make sure you recover 100%.”

How had I managed all of that and was still alive? And Chelsea was dead? “How did I survive and Chelsea die?” My voice broke, and I thought it was going to be permanently broken.

Abby’s voice was soft again, “Chelsea died instantly Ally. She didn’t feel any pain, and she didn’t see it coming.” That last part made it even worse. We were both blindsided. “The car was going too fast, and she had direct impact. There was nothing anyone could do…”

I tried to control my emotions because I knew it would make Nick upset. But I couldn’t be rational about this. I couldn’t comprehend this. I couldn’t accept this. “I don’t know how to deal with this,” I admitted, “how to deal with everything that’s happened.”

“Well,” said Nick. “You’re going to have a lot of help, and a lot of support.” He moved the stray hairs out of my face. “Papa Bob is on his way up right now, and Aaron is flying in from New York. Alex is still in the area, he’s coming by later when visiting hours start.”

They didn’t have to put their lives on hold because of me. I wasn’t worth it. “It hurts to breathe.” The pain was suddenly overwhelming, and it made it impossible to control my emotions. It made it impossible to think about anything else but the pain.

“Slow down your breaths Ally,” Abby was up at my side instantly. “I know it’s difficult but you can do it. Breathe in for two counts and breathe out for two counts. Keep doing that until you calm down.” Nick looked panicked which made me more emotional. Abby guessed that immediately. “Nick, can you take a step outside for just a moment?” He left wordlessly and she turned back to me. “Continue to take deep breaths Ally. You can do it.” It was hard, but I did it. It was painful but once I felt like I could control myself again, I did feel better. “Great job Ally,” Abby smiled at me. “Your Dad loves you a whole lot,” she said softly and I just nodded. “And this is hard for him, seeing you like this.” I nodded again. I knew it was hard for him. “And I know you’re a very selfless person, and you’re always putting everyone else instead of putting yourself first.” She threw me a pointed look, “but this time, you can’t let that happen. In order for you to recover, you need to focus solely on yourself. If your Dad gets upset, let him. If he needs to leave the room, let him. Don’t let his emotions influence yours. The only thing I want you to do is focus on yourself.”

“I don’t want him to be upset,” I whispered. “He never gets upset.”

“I know sweetie. I know it’s hard to do that. But please try. No one wants to see you suffer either.”

“I can’t help it,” I whispered. It was hard to control everything, I could only focus on one thing at a time and even that seemed difficult.

“I know, but you need to try sweetie. Chelsea wouldn’t want to see you suffering like this…” She smiled reassuringly, "I'm gonna go out and talk to your Dad for a moment."

My eyes welled up at the mention of Chelsea’s name, but Abby was right.

Chelsea was a fighter, and I was going to fight. For her.