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Chapter 43

Miserable was not a strong enough word to describe my demeanor. My insides were hollow; they had been ripped from me. I wanted to writhe in pain, but even that caused more pain. Keeping still, staring out the window seemed to lessen the pain, because I imagined the rain pattering against the window were the buckets of emotion that I couldn’t let go of myself.

The rain was crying the tears that I couldn’t. The clouds depleted themselves because I was already empty and hollow. The tears were only for Chelsea.

The vows of fighting because she was a fighter were just words right now. I wanted them to mean something, but the grief was overwhelming. The only ray of hope I had was Nick by my side to help heal me. But there wasn’t a lot he could do. Because I was broken and it was hard to fix something that was shattered beyond repair.

But that didn’t mean he left my side, because he hadn’t. He was flipping through channels right now as he sat on the edge of my bed and I was staring at the rain outside. Alex was in the chair in the corner, staring at me, and Abby had been coming in and out periodically to check on me.

There was a knock at the door, and the rain came down a little harder. “Ally?” Abby stood in the doorway. “You have someone here who wants to see you…” I could tell she was nervous. “…she says she’s your mother…”

It started to downpour. Nick tensed and Alex stood up. But I continued to stare out at the rain. “I don’t care.” And I didn’t. I couldn’t seem to muster up the energy to care. The whole situation with Jen seemed miniscule compared to what I was trying to deal with now.

“Do you want me to let her come back here?”

“I don’t care,” I replied again. Nick took my chin and tore my gaze away from the teardrops on the window.

“Ally listen for a second,” he sighed, “do you want Jen to come in here or not? Think about it.”

I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about anything. My mind was only stuck on one thing and that was Chelsea and the fact that I was never going to see her alive again. “Tell her I guess she’ll need to find another dishwasher to hire.” The voice didn’t sound like me but it gave an answer I could live with.

“Ally,” Nick put his hand over mine and it reminded me that I was going in for surgery tomorrow. They needed to insert wires to realign the bones so it could heal. Another thing I was trying not to think of.

“Why would she come here? Tell her to go away and leave me the hell alone. She made her choice and so haven’t I.”

Alex followed Abby out the door, “I’ll tell her.”

When he was gone I turned to Nick, “are you sure you want to turn her away?”

The rain seemed to lessen and it brought back the moisture to my eyes. “I don’t know what to do anymore,” I whispered. “I miss Chelsea, my body hurts, I don’t want to have the surgery and now Jen is here…I feel like my insides are hollow and my whole body hurts.” His outline was blurry because of my tears, “it takes so much concentration to focus on one thing it seems.” My voice broken, “I just want it all to go away.”

“I know baby,” he whispered, “I wish I could do something to help take the pain away.”

Even though it hurt to move, I leaned forward into his open arms, and because I couldn’t help it; I started to cry. But he held me until I calmed down and then he wiped away my tears and the simple gesture made me smile. “That’s the first smile I’ve seen out of you in a while.”

“There haven’t been a lot of reasons to smile lately,” I whispered back.

The familiarity of his touch was comforting and when he ran his hand through my hair like he always did when I was upset, I didn’t really hurt anymore. “I know it’s hard, but instead of focusing on the negative, try focusing on the positive. What are the good things that have come out of this?”

There weren’t very many good things to have come out of this. “I’m alive,” I said.

He kissed my head, “yes, that’s a very good thing. What else?”

“Abby’s great, she’s really been taking care of me. She acts like she really cares and that helps…”

“She does,” Nick agreed, “you’re lucky to have her here.”

I was glad that when I giggled, it didn’t hurt as bad. “It got you home from LA sooner…”

Nick laughed, “That it did, and I won’t be going back for a while.”

He continued to rub my hair and I tried to think of other good things that came from this tragedy. “Does everyone know?”

“Who’s everyone?”

“Your fans,” I whispered.

“Yes,” he said. “They ask how you’re doing every day.”

“Do you reply?”

“No,” he said, “I’ve been too busy and it’s not their business.”

“You should reply, or maybe I should, most of them follow me too.”

“I don’t know…”

“Do you have my phone?”

“It got ruined in the crash, I haven’t replaced it…” I should’ve figured that…

“Do it from your phone,” I insisted, “They should know that I’m okay physically.” He still looked uncertain, “Please.” He got out his phone and when he looked up at me one more time I said, “Can we post a picture of me and you too?”

“No,” he said, “No.”

“Do I really look that bad?”

“Of course not Ally, I just…I’m not comfortable with that…”

“They’ve been worried, you said so yourself, they should see that I’m okay.” My head was still pressed against his neck and he held the camera out. I didn’t want any of them to know I was suffering; they could probably tell from my haggard appearance but I smiled to relieve some of their worries.

“What should I tweet with the picture?”

“Tell them I’m fine, that I’m getting better every day and I thank them for their wishes and to keep Chelsea in their prayers…”

When he was done, he showed me the tweet: Ally gets better every day, thanks for the love, it means the world to us, and keep Chelsea alive in your heart, she’s too good to let go.

“That’s perfect,” I whispered and settled back into him. “You’re making me feel better,” I sighed, “My body doesn’t hurt as much as it did.”

He ran his hands through my hair again and I felt his body relax a little, “Good. It kills me that you’re in pain.”

I had one more question to ask, “Is the media still covering this? I saw they aired it when I woke up after it happened…”

“It’s being covered, but don’t worry about that okay?”

But how could I not? Everyone knew what had happened. Everyone knew that my best friend was dead and I was alive. I’m sure everyone at school wanted it the other way around… “Tyler hasn’t come to see me yet…”

“Yes he has,” Nick whispered. I frowned up at him, “I told him that you needed some time before you saw him. Get through the surgery first and when you’re feeling a little better, he can come back.” I didn’t want to argue with that because I didn’t want Tyler to see me like this. I was a certified mess.

Alex walked back into the room and took his seat in the corner. He looked upset. “Did you tell her what I said for you too?”

“Yes.” His mouth was a set line.

“What happened?”

He shrugged, “I told her what you said and she left.”

“Alex, tell me everything that happened.”

“I did.”

“You edited,” I frowned.

“Why don’t we talk about this later?” Nick asked.

He looked gratefully at Abby when she walked into the room, “Ah, I see you’ve got a good support system there,” she grinned.

“Yeah,” I tried to joke, “He makes a good crutch.”

She chuckled, “It’s nice to see you smile Ally, I’ve been worried about you.”

I told her what I told Nick, “There’s not many reasons to smile these days.”

“Sure there are, you just have to focus on the positive things that are hiding amongst the negative things.” I threw a side glance to Nick because he had just told me the same exact thing. He was chuckling. “Like one positive thing today is that you’re getting out of bed.”

“What?”

She held out her hands to me, “Stand up.”

“It hurts.”

“You’re a fighter Ally,” She persisted, “Your legs aren’t broken, just bruised. If you get off your cute little behind, you can start working towards healing everything else.” She smiled and still held out her hands, “Work with the easiest and finish with the hardest is what I say.”

I reached out and held onto her as I stepped away from the bed. My legs felt like jelly from days of lying on the bed. My butt hurt too from being on it too much. “It feels weird to walk.”

Abby laughed, “I bet. You’ve been on your bottom for little while. I don’t want you to get bed sores,” she chuckled, “one more thing we don’t need to add to your list.”

“Seriously,” Nick agreed.

“Nick, why don’t you and Alex go get some coffee or some lunch. I want to examine Ally, and I don’t think she’d appreciate an audience,” Abby winked at me. I blushed; I so didn’t want an audience for that.

Alex was too eager to leave the room, “Let’s go Carter. We’ll be back sweetheart.”

When they were both gone, Abby turned back to me, “You look better Ally, really.”

“Thanks,” I smiled slightly. “Nick made me think of all the positive things earlier just like you said.”

“And what are your positives?” She placed her hands on my ribs and I tried not to wince in pain.

“I’m alive, he got home from LA sooner, and I met you.”

She stopped her prodding, “Me?”

I smiled, “I feel like you really want me to get better, like you’re not just a nurse and it’s your job to help me get better.”

I was surprised by the tears in her eyes. “I do want you to get better Ally…because I know how it feels.”

“You do?”

“I’ve sort of been in your shoes before.”

“You were in an accident too?” Maybe that’s why she’s seemed so empathetic. She’d been here too.

“No,” she whispered, “But I’ve been in Nick’s shoes before.” She looked into my eyes when she said, “Well, not Nick’s, but…Chelsea’s parents…”

My jaw dropped. She had lost a child? She didn’t look old enough to have a child. “You had a kid?”

“Yeah,” she smiled, “his name was Dominick and he was five when he was struck and killed by a driver…” I must’ve looked horrified because she shook her head, “it was nobody’s fault, just at wrong place at the wrong time.”

“Oh my god, Abby…” I had no idea what to say to her because nothing I could say would make a difference. She had lost her son. Just like I had lost my best friend. And when she told me that things would get better she knew what she was talking about. “How old were you?”

“I was 26 when he passed away.”

I wanted to hug her, “I’m so sorry.”

She smiled and squeezed my hands, “It’s okay Ally. I didn’t tell you about it for you to be sorry. I told you about it to let you know that when I say that everything’s going to be okay, it’s really going to be okay. We all have a chance to rise from our own ashes.” She looked at me, “How’s your head feeling?”

“Full,” I frowned; I had so much new information thrown at me today, and I was having surgery on my hand tomorrow.

She pressed to my ribs again and then placed a hand on my head, “How bad does it hurt today?”

I thought about that. It had hurt this morning, but then Nick comforted me, and the pain had considerably lessened. “It’s getting better today…”

“Good,” she smiled. “The swelling in your ribs has gone down, I might want to see if we can get you into x-rays, just to see how it’s progressing.” She took out her stethoscope and said, “Take as deep of a breath as you can.” I did but winced in pain. “Take a lesser breath again,” she said as she moved her stethoscope. It hurt still. Then she moved away from me, “walk towards me.”

It hurt to move my upper body so I tried to stay as still as possible. Every time I took a step towards her, she took another step backwards. “Stop moving,” I frowned, “It hurts to walk.”

Abby grinned, “No pain no gain sweetheart.”

Nick walked back in the room with two cups and his eyes lit up, “Hey look at you, you’re walking.”

“Yeah,” I growled, “real freaking awesome.”

“Stop,” he chuckled, “you’ve been sitting in that bed for way too long. No pain no gain…”

Abby laughed, “Great minds think alike apparently.” She turned to Nick, “we’re channeling the same source today.” She held her arm out and I grabbed onto it before she could move again. As much as I hated to admit it, the walking felt good.

Maybe I could fight after all.