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Chapter 8

I didn’t want to walk through those doors. I didn’t want everyone to stare at me and I didn’t want them to talk about me. It had been a few days since the incident and I know what I did was stupid; I didn’t need the rest of them knowing too. “Can I just stay on the bus?”

“No,” said Nick as he opened the door, “go.”

I blushed as everyone looked up at us, “Ally!” Nick put his hand on the back of my shoulder and pushed me further into the room. I looked up at him and glared at his smile. Alex walked up to me and pulled me aside, frowning down at me when I trembled. I was about to lose it and I didn’t want to. “It’s just me,” he said so low that even I had to strain to hear him.

“Sorry,” I whispered and I looked over at Nick, who was watching me intently.

“How are you doing?” I shrugged. How was I doing? Crappy. I was in pain physically and I know that Nick hadn’t even begun dealing with what happened. I knew I hadn’t even heard half of what he needed to say to me and boy, I didn’t even want to think about the punishment he would give me.

Because I knew it was coming.

“Um, well-uh, I-” I whispered desperately. I hated that there were tears in my eyes and I hated that he had to see it.

“Alex,” said Nick softly as he walked over to us, “don’t.”

“No,” I said, “he didn’t do anything.”

“Love you kiddo, glad you’re okay,” Alex said softly.

I pushed Nick away from me a little and glared up at him, “you didn’t have to say anything.” He just raised his eyebrows at me, “Seriously, I have to start talking about it sometime.”

“So you’re ready to start talking about it?”

Was I? No, but I had to sometime right? I acted like a fool; it was time to start acting like an adult. “Have to eventually,” I said again.

“Okay,” he nodded, “then after the show tonight, we’re going to talk about it.”

I panicked, “no! I’m not ready.”

“You just said you were Ally,” he lowered his voice, “you need to start talking about it sooner or later, right?” He raised his eyebrows, challenging me. My eyes dropped to the floor, I hated how he could make me crumble with a tone of voice or a facial expression. I could never ever get away with lying to him growing up; all he had to do was raise his eyebrows or twitch his mouth and I caved.

“So soon?” I was grasping at straws and we both knew it.

“It’ll get easier faster that way,” he ran his hand over my hair and I flinched in pain, “shit, sorry,” he said quickly. “You want to take some more medicine?”

“Please,” I mumbled. Now that he had touched it, my head was throbbing. I smiled, embarrassed at Brian and Howie as they smiled at me.

“Sit,” said Nick as he pulled out a chair for me. I took the granola bar from him and took a few bites before he handed me the pill. He handed me the bottle of water and I chugged it, making sure the pill wasn’t still in my mouth. I hated taking pills and Nick knew it. I refused to take them when I was younger, insisting that I’d be fine without it. He didn’t think so and insisted checking under my tongue every time; and he found it there every single time too. He still won’t leave me alone when I have to take medicine. “You swallow it?”

I glared at him, “you want to check under my tongue?”

He chuckled, “do I have to?” I rolled my eyes and looked at the door when their tour manager stepped inside. “Stay in the wings tonight, Mike will be there,” he said as he stood up. I shook my head. I wanted to sneak back to the bus once he was onstage. He clucked his tongue and I knew he was getting annoyed, “it wasn’t a suggestion Ally. Let’s go.” I followed him wordlessly out of the room but stopped short.

He was here.

My breathing became shallow and I knew they all turned to look at me but all I could do was stare at him. Nick lifted my chin up so I’d look at him and he narrowed his eyes when my tears slipped down my face. I tore my gaze back to him and clutched Nick’s shirt tightly, hiding my body behind him so the monster couldn’t see me. He worked for the tour. He was here, right in front of me. Did he know who I was? All of a sudden I felt Nick tense and a growl escape his mouth, “son of a bitch.” I looked up at him and saw him glaring at Dan.

“Oh shit,” Alex said.

“What do I do?” I squeaked, looking up at Nick.

“Take Ally back to the green room and keep here there until I come and get her.” He waited until Alex stood next to me and without another word; he was walking towards Dan. “You motherfucker,” he spat as Dan caught sight of me and then of Nick. Alex had me walking in the other direction before I could see what happened. He wasn’t quick enough though. I saw Nick shove Dan against the wall, grab the front of his shirt and lift him off the floor. Security was around them in an instant, shielding the rest of my view. I couldn’t help it; I started to cry. I felt my body start to ache again as he hugged me to him but right now I didn’t care. Dan was on this tour and he had been the whole time.

“Why is he here?”

“I don’t know honey, but he won’t touch you again, I promise.”

“Promise,” I asked.

“I promise,” I heard and my head shot up. Nick. I reached for him as he got closer. “Give us a minute okay? We’ll be out soon.” Once the door clicked shut, I broke into another round of tears.

“Why is he here?”

“He was a roadie,” he said softly, “but he’s gone now okay? You’re safe.” But I shook my head as I buried it into his chest. “Yes,” he said again, “you’re safe. Mike is escorting him to the police car that is waiting for him. You’re safe.” He rubbed my back and kissed my forehead softly, “I hate this,” he whispered, “but I have to go.”

“The show must go on,” I said softly. I hated that he could never ever back out of a show at the last minute like this. I just wanted to stay by his side all night, to make sure that he wouldn’t come back. They said he wouldn’t before and there he was. What if he found his way back here again? I grabbed his arm just as we were about to leave the room, “What if he finds his way back again?”

He sighed and closed the door, “Ally listen to me okay?” I nodded, “he’s gone. He’s not coming back. Ever. You’re safe, especially with me, okay?” I took a deep breath and nodded. I was going to try to trust him on this. “Mike,” he called as we got closer to the stage, “Don’t leave her side okay?”

“Got it,” he said as he fell into step behind me.

This had to be the longest concert ever. I sighed in relief as they took their final bows and Nick quickly grabbed my hand as he exited the stage. I followed him to the bus, holding his arm tightly as we walked through the parking lot. There was no way I was going to let him go when Dan was standing in this very lot just hours before. “Get comfortable while I take a shower okay?” I nodded and went to my bunk for my duffle bag.

This was going to be a long night.

A list of things to talk about? What had happened first of all. Why it had happened in the first place. What had happened tonight. Why my mother even tried to contact Nick at all. Then there were the consequences of all that. I saw the look he gave me when he had found out I had been drinking. I knew I was going to get in trouble for that. I also knew I was in trouble for running off in an unfamiliar city by myself.

He sat down next to me and frowned down at me, “are you okay?”

I shrugged, “does it matter if I am or not?”

“Of course it does.”

“Why? It’s not going to change anything.”

“No, but how you feel is important.”

I paused, “I’m freaked out and scared. Can we just get this over with?”

“Get what over with?”

“The talk,” I looked up at him, “just give me my punishment.”

He smiled slightly, “what makes you think I’m going to punish you?”

I stared at him, stunned, “you’re not? But I ran away,” I bit my lip, “and I got drunk.”

“Oh,” he chuckled once, “those you’ll definitely get punished for.”

I knew it was too easy. “So what is it then?”

He shrugged and fixed the pillows so he was leaning up against the wall, “I’m not sure yet honestly. You need to explain yourself before I decide what the rational thing to do is.”

I frowned, “why?”

“Because all I want to do right now is lock you in this room so you’ll never leave and I’ll always know where you are.” I looked down at my hands and frowned. He patted the spot next to him and said, “Come here.” I still couldn’t look up at him as I moved to sit next to him, but he put his index finger under my chin and said, “Now talk.”

I had no idea where to even begin with this.

I was silent for a few minutes. I was trying to figure out the best place to start, “did you kill him?”

He tensed, “want me to be honest with you?” I nodded. If I had to be honest with him, he had to be honest with me. “I wanted to. I wanted to rip him apart for touching you. If Mike hadn’t of stopped me, I think I would’ve.” He hesitated, “I hate myself for letting him hurt you.”

I felt so ashamed, “It’s my fault,” I mumbled, “I was stupid.”

“Why?” I just bit my lip, “Ally if I’m honest with you, you have to be honest with me okay?” I nodded.

“You said I was a mistake,” I whispered, the tears automatically pooling in my eyes.

“No,” he said immediately, “I said everything that happened with her was a mistake.”

“Well I happened with her,” I sniffled, “I heard that and I got so upset, so I went for a walk to try and calm myself down. But it didn’t work so I made up my mind to come back to the hotel and just ignore you for the rest of my life when…he came up to me and asked me for the time. The next thing I know, he’s buying me drink after drink and then he said he’d walk me back to my hotel, and,” my deep breath was shaky, “I never thought that’d happen. I never thought-” I couldn’t finish. I turned my head away from him so he wouldn’t see me cry.

“Ally,” he said after a moment. He put his hand on my shoulder, and I bit my lip to hold back my sob, “how could you ever think that I would say that about you? You’re my world and that’s the way I always want it.”

“You don’t think I’m a mistake?”

He tensed for a brief moment, “God no Ally.” I was shaking now I knew it. “I don’t want you to ever, ever think that you are okay?” He tried to get me to face him but I refused to look at him, “Ally come on, look at me.” He cupped my face in his hands, “You’re my daughter and the only love of my life as far as I’m concerned. Nothing and I mean nothing will ever change that okay?”

“Okay,” I whispered. I felt like an idiot. He really had to convince me that he loved me? “I’m sorry,” I said suddenly. He looked at me confused but I shook my head, “you shouldn’t have to convince me that you love me.”

“I know,” he said, “but I would if it helps.”

“You know,” I said, “right after I told him to stop the first time and he didn’t-” we both tensed, “I tried to run away but he threw me against the wall,” I took a deep breath to steady my voice. “The phone started to ring, and it was you,” I finally looked up at him because I needed to see his reaction when I said this. “And I couldn’t think about what he was doing to me, I don’t even remember at this point,” I bit my lip, “all I could think was ‘how did you know?’” He looked away from me, “How did you know that I was in trouble at that exact moment? I know that you were calling me all night, but in that exact moment, at that exact time, how did you know?” He didn’t answer and I could tell he was trying to calm himself down. He looked like he was about to lose it. I put my hand on his arm and he tensed.

“It’s okay,” I whispered. He could cry in front of me, I wouldn’t tell anyone.

He chuckled and finally looked over at me, “shouldn’t I be saying that to you?” He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in for a hug, which I gladly accepted. Nick was great at hugs.

“I love you Dad,” I kissed his shoulder and closed my eyes as he wrapped his arms around me. He didn’t say anything, just kissed my head twice, which I know in Nick speak, meant me too. I knew this little moment couldn’t last though, we still had to get to the punishment, “so am I punished until I die?”

He laughed. It felt so good to hear him laugh, “No, but close though.”

“Okay,” I said. It was time to accept full responsibility, “give it to me.”

He sat us up, “Blackberry is off limits.” I nodded, fair enough. “So isn’t the laptop,” I nodded. That would suck but I could live with that. “And the iPod is conditional.” He grinned when I frowned. The iPod was what got me through most of the trips.

“What do you mean conditional?”

“Airplanes only,” he said, “this is going to upset you,” he said, “but, Chelsea isn’t going to come out this summer after all.” No way.

“Please?” I asked desperately. “Please, you can take away anything else,” I put hand over his, “Please; I want her here with me, please, please, please.”

But he steadfastly shook his head, “No Ally, not this time.”

“But-”

“I said no,” he said again.

I moved away from him and crossed my arms, “that’s not fair.”

He raised his eyebrows, “fair? Ally you ran off, got drunk and got in trouble, you don’t think that deserves some sort of serious repercussion?”

“You promised she could come out!”

He laughed, “You don’t think I should take it back?”

“No,” I stood up to leave.

“Don’t you dare leave this room,” he stood up. I ignored him and walked out the door, “Alexandra,” he caught my arm, “where the hell do you think you’re gonna go? The bus is only 45 feet long.”

“Fuck off,” I snapped at him.

His eyes hardened, “get back in here.” He dragged me back to the bedroom but I refused to look at him, “look at me,” he snapped. I glared up at him, “you really think she should still come out here?”

“Yes!”

“Drop the attitude,” he glared at me, “and think about it. You scare all of us to death by running off; you really don’t think it’s a reasonable punishment?”

I folded my arms and looked away from him. He was right and I hated it. I wanted Chelsea out here so freaking bad it was killing me. I hated being the only girl on this entire tour. And apparently, I had a hard time staying away from trouble. He relaxed and I bit my lip. My silence told him that he was right and I wasn’t going to fight him anymore. I felt like my mind was going off in a hundred different directions.

I couldn’t do anything right.

I leaned back against the wall as he continued to stand in front of me. I felt like my mother. I bit my lip and turned to leave again but he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and kept me in the room, “don’t leave.”

I had to know why she called; I had to. “Why did she call you?”

He tensed, “huh?”

“Why did she call you?”

He was silent for a moment and I wasn’t sure whether he was going to answer me, “she contacted your aunt BJ.”

“Why?”

“You,” he said softly. I stiffened. Me? Why me?

“Why me?”

“You’re her daughter,” he said softly.

What a bunch of bullshit. “That’s fucking bullshit,” I snapped and he tensed. Right now, I didn’t care if he hated it when I swore. “Is she deciding now that she wants a daughter?”

He spun me around and placed both his hands on my shoulders, “You know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“What do you think I should do?”

His eyes hardened briefly but relaxed just as quick, “I can’t answer that for you Al, this is all you.”

“She really wants me back?” I asked after a long moment of silence. He didn’t say anything, just nodded.

Holy crap.