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Chapter 9

It had been two weeks and four days since Nick told me that my mother had tried to contact him. I knew the exact day because it was all I could think about. He hadn’t pressured me into making a decision, which I was grateful for. I had always talked to him about everything, and together, we’d always come up with a solution, but this time, I think I had to do this on my own, or at least without Nick.

“Alex?” He grinned sheepishly when I caught him smoking. He had quit right before he and Nina got married, which was well over ten years ago. But I knew he must’ve been going through a hard time. And here I was about to make it a little more complicated.

“Sorry Ally,” he flicked the cigarette away.

“Don’t apologize…”

“You okay?”

“Well, I…I wanted to talk to you, but it’s okay if you don’t want to talk right now. You must have a lot on your mind-”

“You know I can always clear some space for you honey, what’s the matter?”

“I wanted to ask you some questions…about my mother…” His eyes widened to saucers and he cleared his throat. “I don’t want to ask Nick because I know it’ll make him sad, and I’m not sure if he’d want me asking these questions.”

He put his hands on my shoulder, “Pack a bag and put it on my bus. We need to head to the next stop right after this but we’ll talk okay?” I bit my lip and nodded.

“Thanks Alex.” I found Nick sitting with Brian in the green room, eating a sandwich. “What’s that?”

He glared at me, “my sandwich.” I laughed. He knew that I had a weakness for sandwiches. Not sure what it was, but I loved them. He used to joke that he could put anything between two slices of bread, it didn’t matter what, and I’d eat it. It’s how he used to get me to eat my vegetables growing up. He’d put my peas and carrots between two slices of white bread and lettuce and I was a happy girl.

“I’m not hungry. I actually want to ask you something. Is it okay if I ride with Alex tonight?”

“Did you ask him?”

I bit my lip, “actually, he asked me.”

He nodded, “It’ll be nice not to hear the snoring.”

I blushed even though it wasn’t true. “Please you’re totally talking about yourself there Nicky.”

“You did not just call me Nicky, Alexandra Nicole.”

I grinned, “That sandwich is totally chicken salad isn’t it.”

“After calling me Nicky, there is no way in hell that you are getting some of my sandwich.”

I saw Brian grinning at us and I rested my head against Nick’s shoulder, “But Dad…” I paused for effect, “M head is starting to hurt. I think I need to take my medicine but I haven’t eaten-”

“Don’t even try pulling that with me, you just said you weren’t hungry.”

Brian winked at me, and I continued, “please Dad? You really want your only daughter in the world to starve?”

“I hate you,” he scowled but pushed his sandwich towards me.

I took the sandwich and kissed his cheek, “Thanks Nick! Bye Bri!” I still got it.




I made myself comfortable on Alex’s bed before he came into the room. He handed me a Coke, which I know would keep me up all night; I had an extremely low tolerance for caffeine. Nick discovered this the hard way. He had never really let me eat or drink junk food growing up, and I never tried either. It was never in the house so I grew up eating fruit and water if I wanted a snack. But one Christmas we flew to New York to spend it with my grandma, and as soon as we walked in the door, she gave me a Coke. I spent Christmas morning with my head in the toilet and a massive headache. Nick had thought I had broken into the liquor cabinet while everyone was asleep.

“So what kind of questions do you want to ask me Al?”

I had tons, but I figured I’d start with the easiest first, “First off…what’s her name?”

“Nick never told you her name?”

“I had never asked before,” and I hadn’t. I knew nothing about her and that was fine with me. If I knew too much then I’d want to get attached; and I didn’t want that.

“Her name was Jen; she was a close friend of your Aunt BJ.”

I sipped my Coke thoughtfully, “is that why Nick was upset when BJ called?”

“Yes. Jen had contacted BJ and BJ contacted Nick. Jen wanted Nick’s phone number but BJ refused to give it to him.”

“What did she do? What does she do now?”

“Back then, she was a chef. BJ met her at culinary school. She was two years older than Nick and four years older than BJ.” He glanced at me, “she was very goal-oriented. She wanted her own restaurant by the time she was 25, she already worked at a five star restaurant in Sarasota. Then she met Nick and she fell in love, but her goals didn’t change.”

“Until she got pregnant…”

Alex nodded slightly and I sipped my Coke to keep myself occupied. “She was 20 when you were born and you made her so happy. Nick wasn’t ready to be a father at 18, but the moment he held you in that hospital room, he fell in love.”

I wanted to cry, “So what changed?”

He sighed. I could tell he didn’t really want to talk about it, but I knew he wouldn’t keep it from me. “She still had her dreams and goals and nothing could stop her from achieving them.”

“She couldn’t achieve them while she stayed? Were we that much of a burden?”

“No honey, you weren’t. But it’s her loss right? You and Nick are two of my favorite people in the world. She’s the one missing out.”

“She wouldn’t have to if she realized that she could’ve stayed and still got what she wanted.” Maybe she did get what she wanted. Maybe what she wanted was to leave us behind.

“How bad did it hurt Nick?” I threw the now empty can into the trash that was beside his bed and stared out the window as the highway flew by.

“I’m not sure he wants you to know Al.”

“Well I need to know Alex.” I glared at him, “if I decide I want to meet her, I’m not only bringing her into my world, I’m bringing her into his. Can he take seeing her again?”

He was quiet for a moment and I dreaded the answer. What if I decided that I wanted to meet her and the answer killed Nick? I wasn’t going to jeopardize Nick for her. She wasn’t worth it. “He would for you Ally. I can’t explain-”

“Try to,” I was on the verge of becoming hysterical, but Nick was my world; I wasn’t about to break him into a million pieces.

Alex sighed and stood up, “you want another Coke? I need some more tea.” He left the room when I nodded. I knew the next Coke would do me in; but there was no way I was going to get any sleep after this anyways. Maybe being sick would give me an excuse to stay awake and think about this mess. And what a mess it was. “Now before I tell you this, you need to know that Nick loves you more than anything he’s ever loved before got it? He would do anything for you and he’s sacrificed a whole lot for you, because he loves you so much. Do you understand Ally?” I nodded; I understood, but I could tell that it wouldn’t make me feel any better with what he was about to say.

He took a sip of his tea and started. “He refused to even look at you for the longest time. He said you looked just like her, that he was only 18, he was way too young to be responsible for you. He thought about giving you up to your grandfather so he could take care of you.” I kept my eyes trained on the comforter as tears pooled. I knew it was going to hurt to hear this, but I didn’t know it would hurt this much. He didn’t want me. “Your grandfather had driven up from the Keys and was going to take you with him. The car was all packed; you weren’t up from your nap yet. Bob had sat Nick down and asked him if this was really what he wanted. You woke up, started crying and wouldn’t stop, even when Bob brought you back downstairs. He went to go get something of yours from the car and handed you to Nick. You immediately stopped crying. Nick said that you just stared up at him, and then you smiled. Bob came back in and Nick refused to hand you over. Said that you were staying with him.” Alex put his hand on my shoulder and then I started to cry, “He called me up and asked what I was doing for the next couple of weeks. I told him I was going to move in with him and help him take care of my Goddaughter.” He hugged me tightly and he whispered, “You grew up with nothing but love Ally. We all loved the shit out of you, and being surrounded by that much love does something to a person. Look at you who are today. Ask yourself if there’s anything missing from your life. Is there a hole in your heart that you need filled? Look at the answers to those questions and then make your decision. Okay Ally?”

“Okay.”