Not trying to chase you down
Not trying to see how low I can get down to the ground
-Lifehouse 'Sick Cycle Carousel'
I stared down at the ground as we waited for our results.
Everything about this was embarrassing, as far as I was concerned. Yeah, it was all confidential and no one could say that we were here even if they wanted to. Well, I guess the other people in the clinic could. But they didn't seem to be paying attention to us.
If I was Nick they probably would be. That made me laugh a bit – the thought of Nick with his wife in a fertility clinic. I didn't that was something that would ever happen. The idea of Nick getting married was already crazy, and the idea of him trying to have a child and thus be responsible for another human life was unfathomable.
“What's funny?” Leighanne asked me. Oops.
“Nothing,” I shrugged, because she probably didn't want to hear about Nick right now. Not that she ever did. But I'd been thinking about him a lot ever since I'd gotten that call from Howie. I hadn't wanted to care about his stupidity, but I couldn't help it. Because underneath the horrible person he was becoming was still that kid I used to play basketball with after rehearsals.
I sighed to myself. I'd see him in a couple of days. I couldn't believe I was actually looking forward to that.
“Brian and Leighanne Littrell?”
The nurse called us up which ended my thought process about Nick. In wife took my hand and looked at me with a bit of a smile and a brave face. I tried to return it but inside I was rolling my eyes. I had no idea why we were here after trying to conceive for only three weeks.
The whole thing seemed ridiculous. Not that I'd ever say that.
And apparently the nurse thought so too. Because not that she'd ever say it, but when she found out it had only been a couple of weeks her eyes got a little bit wider and her mouth got a little bit thinner.
The details of it were fairly standard. There were only a few tests they could run that day, other things had to be waited on. But from their preliminary results, everything looked fine.
I would have been relieved if I'd been worried in the first place.
Leighanne threw her arms around me like this was the best news she'd ever heard. I wondered if she was actually worried and not just being paranoid because things weren't moving at the pace she'd like them to.
“See?” I said to her as we left. “Everything's fine.”
She nodded her head and smiled. Though I was happy she was happy, I still couldn't wait to get to LA.
I showed up at Kevin's house as early as I could without it seeming like I'd been up the whole night waiting to go over there.
Because I hadn't. It was only half the night.
Anyway, I got there around lunch time. I don't know what I'd been expecting, but Nick was sitting in the living room playing PlayStation and looking totally normal. His face was zoned out, staring at the screen. He looked completely fine, like he hadn't just smashed his car into a tree.
“Hey Nicky,” I said as I sat down beside him.
He just nodded his head, not taking his eyes off whatever game he was playing.
“Glad to have you back,” I said gently, because I was sure Kevin had already given him the lecture. Plus there was no point now – he was back with us and we'd go back on tour shortly and everything would be back to normal.
I couldn't believe how much I was looking forward to that. Now more than ever.
He nodded again. “Fuck,” he muttered as something happened on screen. He knitted his eyebrows and leaned in a little bit, as if that was going to help him as he pressed buttons with his thumbs.
I sighed. He clearly wasn't interested in talking. But that was okay – I wasn't even sure what I was going to talk with him about. So I just sat there and watched him play his game.
Thank god Kevin had a playstation because the last thing I wanted to do was have a big discussion about my feelings with Howie. What was he even doing at Kevin's house anyway? If he'd come to check up on me, he wasn't exactly doing a great job at being subtle about it.
Not that Howie ever did a great job about being subtle about anything. And I didn't do a great job of not being a fuck up. So it worked out.
But still, I didn't want to talk about it. So I just kept playing the game like he wasn't even there.
Which was difficult.
“Aren't you supposed to go back through that door?” Howie asked me, cutting into my thoughts and breaking my concentration. God dammit, Howie!
“No,” I sighed, not looking back at him. “Need to chain wolves.”
“But they told you to move on through the door.”
I breathed really heavily though my nose, hoping he'd get the god damn hint. I may not be able to figure out how to handle my own life, but I sure as hell can figure out what I need to do to get through a video game.
And then I continued to chain wolves. And Howie continued to watch and he didn't say anything else. He was good at taking a hint, even if he liked to pretend that he wasn't most of the time.
“Is this what having a teenage son is like?” I sighed, looking over at Kristin.
We were standing in the kitchen like an old married couple would be, discussing their children. I'd been out in the living room for about six seconds before I'd had enough.
She smirked and brought her mug of coffee to his lips, taking a sip before she answered me. “God, I hope not.”
I didn't think it was that funny. Dealing with Nick was often like having a kid of my own. A very stupid kid who never listened to his parents and frequently got himself into trouble.
“He's in the living room playing video games,” Kristin tried again, her tone more serious this time as she looked at me.
I shrugged.
“He's fine, Kevin.”
“He drunkenly crashed his car into a tree,” I replied quietly, because I didn't want to hear myself say the words.
“But he's fine now.”
I shook my head and poured myself another cup of coffee. I really didn't think that he was, but what could I do? I'd already tried my best and he was still on a downward spiral.
One week. One more week and we'd be back on tour and this hellish break would be behind us. And everything would go back to normal. That thought didn't really do much to console me. After all, our normal was also pretty shitty lately. Being on tour wasn't going to fix everything like I knew Nick thought it would. The whole reason for this break was because AJ's problems hadn't stopped while we were on the road.
Now I was only hoping that we could finish this tour without another incident and that we could take a real, anticipated, stress-free break.
