~ 40 (b) ~

Confessions in the Dark

+ Brian +

I just stood there in quiet disbelief as that murderer talked on and on about how the USA managed to go to hell in a hand basket. Society was to blame for this. Greed and fame were held responsible as well. America was tired of how things were being handled by regular old politicians so they took a stand. They wanted change, someone that everyone knew and looked up to, and someone who had taken nothing and made something fabulous out of it. Donald Trump was the most vocal celebrity. He kept saying that if America would just elect him, they couldn’t go wrong. He had the finances, connections all over the world and most importantly, he understood what Americans wanted because after all he was no different than your average Joe. If that average Joe were a multi billionaire.

So, America revolted and refused to vote for any of the politicians really running for office. They wrote Trump’s name on the ballots to the point where it couldn’t be ignored. He won by a landslide and things were good for a very brief period of time.

“There were no more Republicans or Democrats. Trump refused to let us be labeled anything but Americans. We were proud and once again we were on top. Other nations looked at us and learned.”

He took a deep breath and suddenly looked over at me again. I turned my head away from him. I’m not sure why. I could tell he was disappointed that I didn’t acknowledge him so he sighed and then continued.

“We didn’t know he was making deals with all these other countries. He had a lot of back door trades going on. Things like weapons and land but most of all natural resources were being sold to the highest bidders. Basically America was on sale and he was making all of the profits.”

“I over heard some guys talking about how one day he made a bad trade with the Canadians. He agreed to sell them pretty much all of Alaska which you would think was almost a bad joke, but it was the truth. Trump had actually sold Alaska to Canada but didn’t let us know. That was the stipulation. Canada wasn’t allowed to let anyone know what had transpired until he could figure out a way to smooth it over. He knew we’d all be pissed! Especially the Alaskans considering their nationality would be changed.”

“The Prime Minister jumped the gun and told everyone about what had happened. This got Trump furious so he called the guy a liar and the next thing you know, we are fighting with Canada.”

I looked over at Charlie to see what his reaction would be and he seemed to be nodding in agreement. It’s funny but no one could ever tell us exactly what happened, just that The United States of America became the United Territories of North America one day with little to no explanation.

“What happened to Trump?”

Nick looked over at Kevin and shrugged. “The rumor going around the prison was once he got word that Canada was going to attack the US, he fled to Europe.”

“Why did people go after celebrities?”

Nick sat down and placed his hands on the table, putting one elbow down and using one arm to hold up his head. He looked exhausted. I could tell he hadn’t slept in days. He looked just how ours used to look when he was sleep deprived….used to…

Charlie took over this part of the story. “The Prime Minister had a field day when Trump left. It was pretty easy to take over the country when its leader runs away. He spun it to look like the whole thing was a ploy and that celebrities were the main culprits. Since Americans couldn’t lynch Trump, famous people like you were the next best thing.”

“That explains why Americans would hate us, but why did the Canadians go out of their way to hunt us down when they knew the truth?”

“To try to ally with the Americans, you know…stand firm and hate the same people.”

“My friends were killed just to keep up a lie.” I could hear his voice crack but I wasn’t about to give in to his tears. That wasn’t Nick. That was the guy who killed Nick. I decided to use that as my cue to go back into the bedroom and close the door.

I thought about putting the light on for just a second, but decided it was best to just sit in the dark. In the darkness, it was easier to pretend that he was just sleeping. I could talk to him and it would be no different than all the other times I used to do that while I sat on his floor keeping vigil by his bedside. After he was asleep I’d tell him my deepest, darkest fears. Things I would never tell anyone during waking hours. I basically used sleeping Nick as my diary. I would confess my inner thoughts without worry of anyone ever finding out.

“We’re going to go through with this hair brained idea and I’m scared to death.” I confessed in the darkness to my dead friend.

“Honestly, I’m not even sure if we should try. Maybe it would be best if we just stayed here and die together. Charlie and Matt are going to blow up the city and themselves. Maybe we should too.”

It felt good verbalizing that. “I want to just give up, Nick. Does that make me a bad person for just wanting to give up?”

“No.”

When I heard his voice I jumped to my feet and threw on the light switch. I’m not sure how I managed to do it all in one step but I did, only to find my Nick still very dead and the other one standing in the doorway staring at me.

“What do you want?” I was disappointed, not that I expected any miracles here, but even still just for a split second it was a nice thought.

“Can I come in for a minute?”

I looked over at my Nick for permission and had to smile at the thought of him thinking two of him in the same room would be ‘uber’ cool!

“I guess.” I moved back to the floor and sat down across from the bed, facing the body.

Nick slowly walked into the room, moving cautiously closer to the bed and sighing, “I needed to come in and see him.”

“You already saw him when you killed him. What’s the matter didn’t get a good enough look that time?”

I folded my knees and held my arms around them; mostly because I was so worked up I wasn’t sure what else to do with the energy surge I was feeling. Once again I thought of my younger friend. He often sat in this position and I always made fun of him for it. Now I know why he did it. If anyone had too much energy, it was Nick…was.

He was standing directly over the body now and looking down. “I am really sorry. If I could do it all over again, I would have never hurt you. I was just scared. I thought I was going to die and you were the only thing standing in the way of me living.”

I stared at him biting my lips. I wanted to lunge or scream or cry, but all I managed to do was watch.

“I’m a coward. I’m sure you weren’t though.” He went to put his hand on my Nick’s arm but stopped, rubbing his other arm instead.

“Were the two of you close?”

It took a few seconds for me to realize he was talking to me and not his dead double any longer.

“Very.”

“I was close to Brian too. He was like my big brother. I mean all the guys were but Bri and I had a special bond. We…”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to be alone…” I cut him off and once again I could see the hurt in his eyes.

“Sure…”

“Do you mind turning off the lights on your way out?”

He started to leave and clicked off the lights but then stopped and turned back towards me, “You know I used to be afraid of the dark and Brian would sit by my bed just like you’re doing now. He’d stay with me until I’d fall asleep.”

“Is that right?” I tried not to sound curious or surprised, but I was.

“Yeah…” he started walking towards me and sat down. I guess he wasn’t leaving me alone after all.

“When he thought I was asleep, he’d start talking about his life and all his problems.”

I was glad it was dark in there because the way my eyes widened would have let him know he was getting to me. Is it possible that this Nick and the other me were almost identical?

“I never let him know I was awake and listening, but I was. I wish he would have trusted me enough to tell me those things when I was awake, but I got it. I was just a dumb kid. I’m sure he saved those things for his real family and friends.”

“No, he never told anybody, just you.”

“What?”

I can’t believe those words just came out of my mouth but I needed to continue, “He loved you like a little brother and he wanted you to look up to him. He was afraid that if you knew he was as scared as you about most things, you wouldn’t look up to him anymore.”

I glanced over at my Nick feeling sorry that I never told him that and hoped that he just heard it loud and clear from wherever he was.

“Really?”

Now I looked over at the living version and nodded. “Brian loved you Nick. They all did.”

“I don’t know… I’m pretty sure AJ hated my guts.”

I laughed as I wiped away a tear. I have no idea when I started crying. It just kind of happens now without my control.

“I’m sure even AJ loved you. You were their little brother.”

“We were family.” He added looking at me the very same way I had been looking at my Nick. I had forgotten I was as much of a ghost to him as he was to me, both doubles missing our friends.

He came close to me and mimicked the way I was sitting. “It’s okay to want to give up, Brian. I have been there too many times to count. It’s hard to want to keep going, but you have to. Your friends and family love you too much to have to live without you, but its okay to not want to.”

“What about you? Do you want to give up?”

I glanced over at his profile in the dark. He was my Nick now at least that’s what I was trying to convince myself of.

“No, I just want to be forgiven.”

There it was. He wanted me to tell him it was okay that he killed my best friend. “Do you forgive yourself for doing it?”

“No, I’ll never be able to do that.”

“Well, until you can, no matter how many people tell you otherwise, it won’t matter anyway.”

And that was the truth. I knew it first hand.

A sudden commotion in the living room broke up the quiet that had settled in the bedroom. We looked at each other and then stood up and rushed to see what was happening.