My Breathless Mistress

I’m going to save the introductions, you know who I am, and sorry but right now I don’t care who you are. I’m not in the greatest of moods cause well, my life sucks right now. Who am I kidding it always sucks, I can never catch a fucking break. If it’s not the damn group or one of the guys, it’s my Mom, or my Dad, pfft what Dad. And if it’s not them then it’s the woman in my life, they’ve all been nothing but a big fucking pain in my ass…well ok…I guess I did have a hand in fucking it up, not this time, at least I don’t think I did. I dunno why Katie and I broke up; all I know is that it’s over. Another one gone, another one walked away.

I wish, I wish she was still here, and there she is, in my mind only, my breathless mistress. She was so beautiful; I often wonder what she would look like now, if she had the chance to become a woman. Her smile, I bet that wouldn’t have changed.

Oh, I guess now I lost you. Sorry. I guess I can fill you all in on a little secret. Did you know Kevin had a sister? Well not a blood sister, but she was like one too him, too the whole family. Her name was Chelsea, she was my age and she knew the Richardson’s because her mother had gone to school with Jerald and Anne. I’m sure you all know that story how they were high school sweethearts and all that, yeah lucky them.

Anyways, after High School Chelsea’s Mom moved away from Kentucky got married but married the wrong dude. He use to beat her Mom all the time and when Chelsea was little he use to beat her too. Until Chelsea’s Mom finally had enough and was able to get him put in jail. She moved back to Kentucky with the help of Jerald and Anne where she raised Chelsea by herself.

How do I know all this? Well she told me, Chelsea. See back when the group was just starting out, we had to do a lot of our stuff on our own. Touring, promoting and back then, let me tell you, we didn’t have a fucking clue what we were doing. Kevin got us some small promo shows in Lexington, so we all went out there. It was the first time I had met Kevin’s Mom, wish I could have met his Dad. It was the first time I saw her too. She was in the front yard with Anne doing flips. She was a gymnast; you know kart wheels and back flips. I would break my neck if I tried some of the shit she was able to do.

I remember one time Chelsea had come to see Kevin in Florida.. Oh wait I don’t want to get to far off track; I have a habit of doing that. So she was outside when we pulled up. Her hair was long and dark brown almost like a dark chocolate. Her eyes were so blue, they always made me smile, still do when I can get a good picture in my head. Which is becoming harder and harder to do. Sometimes, I’ll just go to Kevin and Kristin’s, just to see her picture. I have one, one she gave me long ago but it’s old and warn out.

Well I guess you’re wondering why you’ve never heard of her. It’s because it hurts too much, for Kevin and his family and yeah for me too. See while we spent that week out in Kentucky Chelsea and I had become close. We even had our first kiss out in the blue grass fields by Kevin’s house. Man, I was such a dork back then, makes me giggle.

We decided because of certain people that ran the group back then, that screaming to the hill tops about us wasn’t the best idea. We saw what Kevin and Kristin were going through, the pressure and we didn’t want that, we just wanted to be two sixteen year olds. So we kept it a secret, it’s the only fucking secret I’ve been able to keep my whole life.

September 1st 1995, I will always remember that day. We were in Florida doing promo for We’ve Got it Going On. The first single we released in the States, it bombed, but that’s a whole nother story. I was at home with my Mom and Grandparents when the phone rang. It was Johnny one of our managers, he told Ma that Kevin had received a phone call from Anne. Chelsea’s Dad had been released from jail. Apparently someone fucked up some papers a while back and because of it he got out. Johnny said Kevin was going home for a couple of days, to be with the family. I was able to call her later that night, man she was upset, scared, I wanted to fly out there so bad but I couldn’t. Biggest mistake of my life. Two weeks later while we were getting ready for the song to be released she went missing, while walking home from her bus stop. I guess her Mom was running late picking her up, so she just started walking home like she always did when that happened.

He wouldn’t be a threat to her is what they told her. But they were wrong, he found her, he took her, and yes he killed her. We’re not sure when, she was gone for about a week before they found the cabin. I remember that phone call too. It was Johnny again calling to let Ma know they were going to take a couple of days because they had found her.

Mom knew the two of us we’re friends; we did hang out and could get away with it because we were the same age. When she was done talking to Johnny, that’s when she told me. They had found a cabin in northwestern Kentucky that was on fire, when the blaze had been put out, that’s when they found her, and that’s where I made Mom stop.

Mom asked if I wanted to go, I couldn’t say no, people would read into it maybe, start prying and I couldn’t take it back then. So I went. I sat there in that damn church, with that damn coffin. I stared at it the whole time waiting for her to pop out. Telling myself I wouldn’t be mad she played such a sick joke, just wanting her to be ok. But she wasn’t and it slowly started to eat away at me. I tried replacing her, I tried forgetting her, I even tried putting myself in such a stopper I would see her. Didn’t work, almost took me right too her.

Johnny and the crew did a good job hiding it and we were a little surprised no one looked. They did it for Kevin; the two of them were very close even though there was a big age difference. He didn’t want to deal with the questions and the stories so the boy band machine went to work and the blanket was put over that part of Kevin’s life. I guess mine too.

So, that’s the secret. I would appreciate it if it stayed that way but I know I can trust you guys. I think you all would of loved her and not because she was like Kevin’s sister. I wonder how my life would have been if she was still around. Would we still be together? Who knows. Would I have gone to rehab, probably she wasn’t my only problem, she’s still not a problem, I just miss her. How do you stop missing someone? They can’t tell me how to do that in rehab.

Shit, I got so caught up in talking to you my smoke burnt away. I know, I know I should quit. One thing at a time ladies, one thing at a time. I need to sit while I light this smoke, my knee hurts.

I can walk around with out the brace now. Got it taken off this morning, which means no crutches, thank fucking god. It was hard drinking my coffee, smoking a cig and trying to walk, like I have a hard enough time doing it without those damn things.

Well I feel better now, talking about her does that but it’s not like I get much of a chance too. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell Kevin, but then he would start asking questions. And I don’t think he would want to know that Chels and I were sleeping together. She wasn’t my first, she was my second, but I was her first. I guess her only.

You know what really sucks about it, they never caught him. They searched Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio, they looked everywhere and they couldn’t find the asshole. I often wonder if the man walking pass me is him but I wouldn’t know I never saw a picture of him and Chels didn’t talk about him at all. Only when she had told me about what had happen to her and her Mom.

Chelsea’s Mom. She died a couple of years later, she just couldn’t take what had happened and she blamed herself. Anne did everything she could to help Liza, which was her Mom’s name. Only met her once or twice but she was a nice lady and loved Chelsea very much, I can see why she did what she did. I just hope now they’re both a peace, at least they’re away from him.

My Breathless Mistress, that’s what I call her sometimes in my head. My heart will always be with her, call me selfish, I don’t care. I didn’t get a say in it so why should you, or anyone else for that matter. I’ll keep her that way too, I don’t need people telling me to get over her, we were only sixteen what did we know about love. No thanks, I’ll keep her right here.

Well thanks for the chat ladies, it was actually kind of nice. I need to head home now, call Ma let her know about the brace. Have to get this knee back in shape have a small tour coming up in China. Maybe I’ll see ya there.