Chapter 1

March 1st 2008

Well here I sit writing in this damn thing again, in my hotel room in China and today was a hard day for me, last night I had the weirdest fucking dream ever.  I was walking down the street from Starbucks after my doctor’s appointment when I had my knee operated on about 4 years ago.  I just started telling them about Chelsea for no reason at all.  Told them everything, how we covered it up, what happened to her, and how that was covered up.  I don’t know why I had this dream, I haven’t thought about her in a long time and it got me missing her.  All the questions came back too, what she would be like now, what would she look like now.  Damn now I’m getting teary eyed again.  I’ve been fighting these damn tears all day, it’s been 12 going on 13 years since she’s been gone, ya think this shit would of stopped by now.

Another reason could be the recent break up with my girlfriend Rachel.  I thought she was it, something special, something finally perfect and she was but I’m not.  So another relationship fucked up and another one down the drain.  I’m glad Chelsea’s not here; I probably would have fucked that up too. Someone’s knocking on my door, so I’ll end it here.

“Hey dude didn’t think you’d still be up.” Nick said as he looked at AJ.

“Yeah I was just watchin’ tv.” AJ said as he nodded back towards his room.

“I’m bored” Nick said as he walked in.

“Sure come on in.” AJ scoffed sarcastically as he flailed his arm out.  He stared at Nick for a moment and then closed the door.

“Hey” Nick said as he picked up the book on the bed.  “You still write in this thing?”

AJ walked over and grabbed the book from Nick.  “Yes” He said as he walked around the bed and stuck the book in his backpack.  “So what do you want man?”

“I told you I’m bored.” Nick said with a slight squeal.

“Go bug Howie.” AJ said as he sat down on his bed leaning back against the head board.

“Can’t, he’s getting feak-a-leaky.” Nick said wiggling his eyebrows.

“Eww” AJ said as a disgusted look came over his face.

“At least you weren’t standing at the door dude.” Nick said turning back around and flipping through the channels.  AJ rolled his eyes and reached down for his back pack as Nick looked for something to watch.  He pulled out his journal and opened it.

Same date

            ..ok so Carter just fucking walked in and made himself at home, I was thinking about going to bed, not now.

            “Sweet! Dude the Goonies are on.”  Nick said turning up the volume.

            Both guys stared at the tv as Chunk proceeded to do the truffle shuffle.  But there was something different about this version.  It was dubbed in Chinese.

            “Awesome” Nick laughed as he looked back at AJ and then too the tv continuing to watch the movie.

            ..Fuck, now he’s watching Goonies a la Chinese.  Why can’t he do this in his room?  Whatever, it’s not like he can hang with anyone else anyways.  Brian’s out with Leigh-Anne, Howie’s with his wife in their room gettin’ freak-a-leaky, so that just leaves me.  I miss Kev, things are crazy and he always had a way of keeping it all together, even though he always made us late!! But I guess we’re doin’ all right, we’re still late now it’s my fault usually.  Things back home though,, it’s kind of like old times really, it’s almost border line crickets again, depending which State we go too.  We’re doing good out here though, in Asia, man the crowds we’ve gotten out here have been amazing.  My solo shows are coming up in LA. I’m nervous as hell.  Mostly because of Sincerely Yours, I dunno if I can do it.  Everyone keeps telling me not to worry the fans will get it, I know they will and it’s not that.  It’s just me worrying about how it’s gonna make me feel.  I hate the way he makes me feel, I hate that I have to go through this shit.  If Chelsea was here I could talk her, she was the only one I felt ok with talking too about my dad, probably cause her dad was worse than mine.  See there I go again, talking about Chels.  Well I can’t let it stop me; I have to keep movin’ forward, I’ll be damn if he’s going to ruin this for me.  Sweet, Nick is leaving.  I’m going to bed now. 

            “I don’t know why you couldn’t just do that in you’re room.” AJ sighed as he stood at the door.

            “Thought you could use the company.” Nick shrugged.  “Plus I didn’t think you’d be writing in that thing all night.”

            “We’ll go do something after the concert tomorrow, alright?” AJ said.

            “Coo” Nick said with a nod.  “Night man.” Nick waved as he walked away.

            “Night” AJ said as he closed his door over.

            He walked over to his bed and looked at the book that laid on top of his covers.  With a sigh he picked it up and put it in his backpack again.  He pulled back the covers, crawled into the bed, and turned out the night lamp beside his bed.

March 2, 2008,

            It’s early in the morning, getting up to do press and I’m waiting on my breakfast.  I had another dream last night, but this one wasn’t with the fans, this one was with her.  We were in Kentucky, in the field we usually hung around in to get away from everyone.  I was lying on the grass with her in my arms and she was gently kissing my neck.  She did that a lot when we would cuddle.  She always made me feel like I was the only one in the room, well I guess I was, fuck you know what I mean.  I could feel her lips, feel the softness of her hair, and I could smell her vanilla perfume.  It was so vivid and I can’t shake it for the life of me…

            “What was that?” I asked her as she laid with her head on my chest, her forehead touching my neck.  She popped her head up a little a looked towards the trail entrance.

“I don’t hear anything.” She said as she looked back to me.  Her eyes were blue, like the blue waters of the Caribbean.  She lightly smiled as she laid her head back down.  “Paranoid Alex?”  She asked me.

“No.” I said quickly trying to hide it.  I heard her lightly laugh and I knew she knew I was lying.  “Well a little, I really don’t want Kevin killing me before the group even gets started.”  I told her and it was true. 

“He won’t kill you.” She said with a laugh.  “I’ll make sure of it.”

“That helps my masculinity” I sighed jokingly too her.

“Aww.” She pouted on my behalf with a light smile.  “We’ll I can help you with that too?”  Her lips cracked into a little smile as she slowly leaned in and kissed my neck.  I closed my eyes and relaxed a little.  Her lips were soft like a feather as they gently tumbled down my neck.  It made my stomach do flips and my heart flutter; I was not use to a girl giving me this kind of attention.  The girls at my High School thought I was a geek and a loser and I was starting to believe them, until I met her.

Her lips gently kissed my ear and I smiled lightly as I ran my fingers through her hair.  I could smell her perfume as a gently breeze blew past us.  I opened my eyes when she sat up a little.  She looked at me and I started thinking I had something on my face.

“What?” I said to her with a light smile.

“Thank you.” She said as she laid her head back down on my chest.

“For?” I asked confused.

“For being you.”  She said as her fingers slid down the side of my face.  She looked up at me and I lightly smiled back at her as I leaned in and kissed her.

…That’s where I woke up, holding my pillow like I was holding her.  I wonder if she would thank me today.  Knowing what I put myself through, what I put my family through, what I put Kevin through.  I don’t know why she’s been on my mind so much lately.  Maybe it has to do with the break up. Maybe something is telling me it’s time.  Time to move on, time to let go and time to set her free. Maybe.