Chapter 3

March 4th 2008

I stood in the elevator, my cell phone to my ear listening to Kevin’s message, replaying his room number.  Everyone had crashed before sound check later this afternoon, so it was easy to get away.  Thank goodness too cause I fuckin suck at sneaky around, in both senses.

“654” I mumble as he said the number.  I looked down the halls for the room number signs.  His hallway was on the left so I headed in that direction. I looked at the numbers on the doors as I reached the end of the hallway.  I put my phone in my pocket and knocked on the door.

“It’s open.” I heard Kevin say from the inside.  I grabbed the knob, opened the door and walked into the room.

“Hey man.” Kevin said as he stood up from the couch in the room as I closed the door behind me.

“Hey Pops!” I said with a nod.  He walked over and hugged me.

“You look good.” Kevin said with that Kevin smile of his.

“Thanks man, so do you.” I said with a smile.  “How’s parenthood?”

“Amazing.” Kevin said.  “He’s getting bigger everyday.”  He gleamed as sat down at the table.  “Want a soda?” Kevin asked as he walked over to the mini bar.

“Sure” I said with a nod.  “So what’s up?”

“Nothing much, got in this morning, been relaxing.” Kevin said as he handed me a can of Pepsi.

“Cool but what’s with all the secrecy?” I asked him.  I opened the can and it sprayed over my hand, I looked around for a napkin, couldn’t find one.  My pants were the only thing I could think of so I whipped it quickly on them.

“I hear you broke up with Rachel.” He said and I looked up at him.  Here we go.

“Yeah” I said as I took a sip.

“What happened?” Kevin asked me.

“Lots of things.” I mumbled.  “I know you wanna see how I am but I’m fine I assure you.”

“And this shit I hear about the Clive Davis party?” Kevin asked me and my head shot up. 

“It was over by then.” I mumbled again.  “Can we not talk about this?” I asked.  My mood had gone from up to down in two minutes.  I wasn’t expecting that.

“I know how ya get when things like this happen and I just wanna make sure you’re ok man.” Kevin said to me.

“Well I am.” I said getting a little snippy.  “I guess I’m just use to it, since it always seems to be me who fucks everything up.” I said with a little tone of sarcasm.

“Everytime?” Kevin asked me.

“Fine, not every time but lately.” I sighed. “So, what else is going on with you man?” I asked hoping he would let me change the subject.  He looked at me for a moment and I wondered if he was gonna grill me again.

“Nothing much, got back from Kentucky a week ago.” Kevin said as he looked down at his can.

“Some home time.” I said with a smile.

“Yeah.” Kevin said as he still stared at the can.  He started spinning it around slowly.  “We got there and Mom had the place ripped apart.” He said with a laugh.

“Early start on spring cleaning?” I asked laughing.

“Yeah” Kevin said as he looked at me.  “Actually her and Jerald were cleaning out the attic.”

“Fun times.” I said raising my eyebrows.

“She was looking for all my old baby stuff, see if there was anything I wanted to give to Mason.” He said with a smile.

“Nice.” I said with a nod.  “Find anything good?”

“Yeah some things, mostly keep sakes.” He said with a shrug.  I nodded as I took another sip from my Pepsi.  “Also found some of Chelsea’s stuff.”  He said as he sat up straight.

“Really.” I said as I looked at the table.

“Yeah I guess Mom got some things after Liza died and she put them away.” Kevin said as he put his arm on the table. 

“Well that’s nice then, you were able to find the stuff.” I said as I played it cool.

“Yeah, it’s always nice to have something to remember someone by.” Kevin said.

“Yeah” I nodded. 

“So I figured you would want this.” He said as he reached down for something.  I looked at him confused and when he sat up he had a small box in his hand.  He set it down on the table. 

It was blue with silver metal lining the box edges; it looked like a small treasure chest.  It had a lock on the front of it and a dolphin painted across the top.

“Wha.” I said looking at the dolphin.  My throat went dry and I couldn’t say what I wanted to say.  “What is that?” I forced out and I quickly took another sip of my soda.

“It was Chelsea’s.” Kevin said as he looked at me.  I swallowed hard, the look in his eyes made my palms sweat.

“Why would I want it?” I asked him trying to be confused.

“Open it.” Kevin said to me with a light smile.  I looked at him for a moment and he nodded at the box.  I took a deep breath, trying to play it off as an uninterested sigh.  I picked up the box and pulled the open lock out from its hole and opened the small treasure chest like box.  When I opened it, I saw a clutter of objects, pictures, pieces of paper, and what look like junk.

“Why would I want this?” I asked playing stupid. 

“Fuck you’re stubborn.” Kevin sighed as he gently tilted the box back and pulled out a picture.  “There are more of them in there.”  He said as he showed me a picture of me and Chelsea, our faces touching, big smiles as we posed for the camera.  “There’s also movie stubs, and old dried out flower heads.  We were clueless she had something like this, so since you seem to be in all the pictures, we were hoping you could help us out.”  I stared at the picture.  I think it was the one of the ones we took when she came out to Florida for the first time.

“We knew the two of you were friends but we didn’t think you were this close of friends.” Kevin said as he looked at me and put the picture in front of me.

“Yeah, friends, totally friends, ya know, we both had shitty fathers, single mothers.” I said with a shrug.

“Holy crap that was close.” I thought to myself.

“Yeah that makes sense.” Kevin said with a nod.  I lightly smiled and look back down at the box.  I wondered what she had put in there, wondered what old memories that box had hidden.  “Alex?”

“Yeah man.” I said looking up at him.  His eyes were locked on mine; the look froze me to my chair.

“You two were more than friends weren’t you.” He said looking at me.  My lungs tightened and I couldn’t breath.  “I mean I look at those pictures.” He said as he pointed to them.  “Maybe everyone else sees friends but I know her and I know you and I see more.”

“Kevin.” I said not knowing what to say, not sure if I could, no, no I couldn’t I wasn’t ready.  My heart started racing and I put my can down.  I looked around wondering what I should do. 

“I mean if you two were more than friends, I’m not mad or anything, a little shocked I’m just finding out now, but not mad.” He told me.

“I..I..” Fuck I’m stuttering.  I needed to get out of here and I need to get out now.  I stood up and headed towards the door.

“Hey.” I heard Kevin say from behind me.  “Alex.”  I didn’t answer as I reached for the door, I was there, and I was on my way out.  “Alex.” Kevin said again as he grabbed my arm.  He stopped me and I tried to break free.

“Kevin just fuck off.” I said pulling my arm away.

“No” Kevin snapped at me and spun me around.  “Look at you; you’re almost  having a panic attack over this.” He said as he pointed at me.  “I told you, it’s ok, it’s not a big deal.”

I looked at him and for some reason I felt tired, exhausted, and I didn’t want to fight it anymore.  As I came to that decision every tear I ever fought back came pouring out and I broke down right there in front of Kevin.  I leaned on the wall, my hand over my eyes trying to get a hold of myself.

I felt Kevin’s hand on my shoulder.  “Let’s go sit down.” He said to me and I looked at him.  I then nodded and walked over to the couch in his hotel room.

I sat down on the couch and he handed me the box of tissues from the night stand.  I grabbed a couple of pieces and wiped my eyes and my nose.  I took a deep breath as my body started too calm and Kevin sat down beside me.

“Wow dude.” Kevin said and I heard the shock in his voice.  I laughed a little; he really didn’t have a clue.  “How many people know?”

“Only you.” I told him and I felt by body hesitate like it still wasn’t sure if I should go there.

“Me? You mean no one else knows?” Kevin asked me.

“Not even Ma.” I said to him.

“Alex.” Kevin frowned at me.

“We didn’t want Johnny and Donna finding out; we saw what you and Kris were going through.” I told him and another tear dropped from my eye.  “When she.” I stopped and bit me tongue.  “When she died at first I just didn’t want to upset anyone and I didn’t want people bugging me about her.  It was hard enough excepting what had happened.”

“Did you go over this in rehab?” He asked me.

“No.” I said as I lightly shook my head.

“So this whole time..” I cut him off.

“This whole time I’ve dealt with it, I didn’t do all of that shit because of her, I had other problems.” I told him.

“Well you’re relationships say otherwise.” He said to me.

“Oh so what are you now a fucking psychiatrist?” I snapped.

“Hey.” Kevin said putting up his arms.  I looked at him and then sighed.

“I’m sorry; I just didn’t see this coming.” I told him as I looked back at the box.

“I wouldn’t have sprung it on you this way if I had known you were going freak out like this man.” Kevin told me as I looked at him.  “How serious was it?” I quickly looked away.  “That serious huh?”

“Yes” I said without looking back at him.

“How long were the two of you together.”

“Over a year.” I told him.

“A year.” He gasped a little in shock.  “Wait, you had only known her for like a year.”

“I know.” I said as I finally looked back at him.  He stared at me a little confused. 

Well I guess this was it.  I guess this was the time.  I got up and walked over to the mini fridge and grabbed another Pepsi.  I then walked over to the table and picked up the box.  Placing it on the small coffee table in front of us as I sat down with the can of soda in my hand, I looked at Kevin and took a deep breath.  I told him, told him everything.  I started about the first time we talked on the porch before dinner the day we came out.  How we hung out the rest of the night.  Then it just kept coming, one story after another.  He never asked me a question, he just sat a listened.  When I was finished we both sat in silence, staring at the box.

“I can’t believe she never told me.” Kevin said quietly.

“Don’t read into at all dude, she wanted to, she felt bad lying to you and everyone but the longer it went on the less we wanted to tell anyone, look what happened to you and Kris.” I told him.

“Yeah” He said with a nod.  “Well, do you feel better?”

I sat there for a moment and thought about my answer.  “A weight has been lifted, yeah, but I still miss her.”

“Well maybe now that you’ve told me and you have someone you can go to if you need to talk about her, then maybe things will get a little better.” Kevin said with a light smile at me.

Better.  Things would be better if she was here.  Yeah, yeah but that’s what I felt at that moment.  That’s why I didn’t want this to happen, re-living everything, feeling everything all over again. Fuck, I really thought I had gotten through this, yes I missed her from time to time but first these dreams and now this.  My head hurts, my eyes are dry and sore, so I’m taken off and goin to bed.