Day 10...

Kel sat on the couch looking through the picture windows out at the ocean. Her fingers lazily running over the fur of her dogs, Fred and Ginger, as they snoozed in her lap and at her side. The sun was close to setting and she knew that by the time it settled below the horizon, he would have read her letter. He would know that she wasn’t there in the house to greet him that night, and that she wouldn’t be.

She’d played the scene over in her head so many times that day that it felt as if she’d actually lived through it. Howie would pick AJ up from the airport, never mentioning that he was in on the whole calculated plan. They’d drive to the house and lug all of AJ’s bags into the foyer, and before long AJ would notice that the dogs weren’t there to greet him, nor was Kel.

When AJ finally found the letter and read it, Howie would be there for support, and any needed damage control. He’d be there to tell AJ that he wouldn’t be able to find Kel for a while, and not to try. He’d then call Kel and Nick at the house in the Keys to let them know how it all went.

Tipping her head back on the couch she sighed and closed her eyes imagining AJ’s face as he read the letter. The confusion, the hurt, the possible anger… The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him or send him down some road that she knew he didn’t need to be on. But time and time again that day she reminded herself that she was doing the right thing. And when she doubted herself, Nick stepped in and told her she was doing the right thing.

Random lines of her letter drifted in and out of her mind. I love you, but somewhere along the road of your recovery I’ve lost myself. I can’t be what you need me to be unless I know who I am. It seems that the only thing I know how to do anymore is love you, but it’s not enough AJ… I need to love myself too. She knew that if AJ read the letter with a clear mind and without anger that he’d understand. She also knew he had a temper, and if he was angry at all when he read the letter, it would take him much longer to understand just what she’d said to him. I will always love you, you’re forever in my heart. Please understand that this is what I need to do. Please don’t hate me.

"Hey…" Nick said softly as he joined Kel on the couch and smiled.

"Hey…"

He held up his phone and nodded, "Just talked to Howie…" All she could do was nod and keep running her fingers through the soft fur of her dogs as she waited for Nick to go on. "He’s going to stay with AJ tonight at the house, just because. He read the letter, and Howie thinks that he took it pretty well… He didn’t freak out or anything, just sat there on the couch and read it."

"Did he say anything?" Kel asked in a whisper, her chin trembling as she spoke.

"Howie said he was real quiet as he read the letter and then he just sat there for a long time, didn’t say anything. But after a while he got up, got a Coke out of the fridge and started talking to Howie about how he should have seen this coming."

Kel closed her eyes, more lines of the letter whizzing through her head. I probably needed to do this a long time ago, but I put you before me. I needed to know you were okay before I could be okay.

"AJ wanted to know if you were okay, and Howie said that you were with me. I guess AJ was happy to hear you were with me because he knew I’d take care of you." Nick moved closer to Kel and brushed away a tear that had fallen slowly down her cheek. "He agreed not to try and get in touch with you until you were ready…"

Yesterday fucked me up, AJ. I haven’t been that scared for you, or for us since you went into rehab.

"He did ask Howie to get a message to you though. I wrote it down word for word so that when you’re ready, you can read it."

"I can’t read it…" she said quietly shaking her head. She took a shaky breath and bit her bottom lip, "You do it…"

"It can wait if you’re…"

"No…"

"Okay…" he said with a nod and pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. He glanced at her before looking down at the paper and his square print in blue ink on it. "He wants you to know that um… ‘I love you and as much as it hurts to know you’re not here, I understand. And I’ll be waiting for you.’"

If you wait for me, I think maybe we can still make something beautiful out of this.

Nick pulled her into a hug that they shared for quite a while as she continued to shed tears cathartically. When her sobs subsided, he tucked her hair behind her ears and gave her a smile as she looked at him with wet eyes. "How you doing?"

"I think…" She sniffed and took a deep cleansing breath, "…that I’m… that we’re finally going to be okay."

The End

Read the follow up Ficlet to this story: Something That I Already Know.