Chapter 9

July 5th, 2005 

"She's beautiful..."

"She really is. She looks like you, you know."

I sighed, happily. "I know she does. I can't wait until she's in my arms."

"She's gonna be spoiled."

"She is, indeed." I couldn't stop staring at the picture that was just given to me. I was just overwhelmed.

"Do you regret it?"

"No. Never. She's the best thing that's ever happend to us. Well... besides Nick."

"Ah. Nick. Does he know?"

"No. Not yet..."

"You should tell him..."

"I know. I'm just scared."

"He loves you, Em. He won't leave. Tell him. If not for you, if not for him. For her."

I giggled a bit. "I love how we're talking about it like it's a girl."

"That's because she is."

We were just sitting there, looking at the picture of the tiny little figure that was forming inside of me.

"Tell him Emma. Before it's too late..."

"I will."

* * *

That day never came. I was never able to tell Nick what I really wanted to tell him. It was too late. I was scared. Scared that if I told him, he was going to end up leaving but, I was going to take that risk. A few months later, he ended up leaving anyways. I have never really forgiven Nick for that. But, it's also my own fault too. Or at least I think it was.

I remember sitting in this very same room a few years ago with my mother talking about her. We had made plans for her. We even had a name picked out for her... Haley Elizabeth... and I wasn't even far along at all. I had just found out and I was already in my second month. Somehow we knew it was going to be a girl. We just had the feeling and before I even realized I was pregnant I kept having dreams of a little girl that belonged to us. Curly blond hair, big beautiful blue eyes. Just like me and Nick.

She was indeed beautiful as my mother would say and, she was ours. I couldn't wait to tell him. I couldn't wait to hold her.
 

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was spending the weekend at my mother's in Florida. Since I kept traveling with Nick so much, I wasn't able to spend as much time with her as I wanted so I decided to take a break from traveling as it was taking a toll on me due to the pregnancy too. We were all gathered around the dinner table, just catching up on old times, sharing a few jokes, a few laughs.

* * *

September 20th, 2005

"So how is our boy Nick doing? Why didn't he come with you?"

"He's doing fine. He's been busy with the guys so you know how that goes, Dad."

"He better be treating my girl right."

I laughed. "He sure is. Speaking of which, I have an announcement to make. I mean I really should wait until Nick gets here but-- Whoa..."

"Honey, are you okay?" Her mother asked, standing up from the table.

"Uh... yeah. Yeah... I just felt... weird all of a sudden."

"What's the matter?"

"No--nothing Mom, I'm fine. Everything is-- fine..."

"Would you two like to tell me what's going on?"

"I'm sorry, Dad. I'll be right back." I said standing up from the table and making my way to the bathroom.

With each step that I took, I felt the pains stronger and stronger. I was only in my third month. This wasn't suppose to be happening.

'Please God, let everything be okay. Please let everything be okay.' I kept praying over and over again. This all seemed like a bad nightmare and all I wanted it to do was just go away.

"Honey, it's Mom. Are you okay?"

As soon as I heard my mom's voice, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.

"Come in..."

"Honey? what's going....OH MY GOD." Her mom said as she made her way into the bathroom.

"I--- I don't know what's happening to me." Emma said in between tears. Oblivious to what her mother had just seen. "This isn't suppose to be happening."

"You need to go to the hospital."

"What's happening?!? TELL ME what's happening?!"

"You're--you're..."

"You're... bleeding. You need to go RIGHT NOW."

 * * * 

It all happend so quickly. The next words out of my mother's mouth were the most scariest words I have ever heard. I was rushed to the hospital. It was later on that night that we found out I was no longer carrying our little girl anymore. I had lost her. We lost her. She was gone and, so was I.


"Hey. Your front door was open."

I looked up from the scrap book I had made Haley and noticed my sister, Joanne, standing there.

"Hey." I whispered back to her.

"You okay?"

"No." I said, looking down at my first ultrasound picture.

"You still have some of her stuff still in place."

"Yeah... I miss her."

"I know you do. So do I. I couldn't wait to spoil her. So many other babies would've been jealous her."

That made me smile. "Yeah. You're probably right."

We sat there in silence. The same way me and my mother had all those years ago.

"Does he know?"

Somehow I knew that she was talking about Nick. I shook my head. "No."

"Em, you have to tell him. It's been about 2 years. He needs to know. He has the right to know."

I sighed. "I know that... I'm just scared."

"Scared of what?"

"He's back and, I'm scared that if I tell him... he'll leave again. He won't feel the same anymore."

"As opposed to how you feel? Have you even told him that you've been hiding these feelings for him?"

"No... I just, I don't know anymore." I whispered, looking up at my sister with tears in my eyes.

"You're scared, I get it. We all get scared. It's all part of life. If you didn't take that risk of telling him before... you better take that risk now. I know Nick. I know that he loves you. He's back for a reason. Don't keep him waiting. Don't keep this from him anymore. The more you do the more it's going to break your heart and HIS heart in the long run."

"I love him."

"I know you do. Tell him that."

"Today's her birthday, you know."

"Haley's?"

"Yeah..." I said, standing up and putting the scrapbook anyway.

"I'm going to head out now. I need to pick up Cameron from the babysitter but... think about what I said, okay? Tell him."

"I will. Thanks for stopping by." I said, walking her back to the front door.

"No problem. That's what sisters are for. I love you. Now give me a hug." She opened her arms and I leaned in hugging her tightly.

"I love you too."


I made my way back to Haley's room. My sister was right, some of her stuff was still where I had left them. I couldn't take anything down. I just couldn't do it. I felt that if I did empty out the room, all the memories that I had share with her those 3 months that I carried her would've been gone forever and I didn't want that.

Today's her birthday and, for the past two years, I have been visiting her and bringing her flowers. Sunflowers. She was indeed my sun flower.

 I had something to do first.