Part 46 – The Crew

Seeing that the trade center site was an active construction area it wasn’t like we could walk right in and make ourselves at home.  There was a designated area for people to go where they could look over the construction site from a safe place and that’s where we went.  The question of how in the world we were going to get the cookies to anyone working at the site was suddenly a problem, but also one that we didn’t worry about much once we were faced with the site.

By 2008 the trade center site was at the point where everything was sort of an organized mess.  There were so many different projects going on that it was hard to tell what was what.  I’d heard that the steel beams were being put in place underground and concrete was being poured to make the foundation of the Freedom Tower, but just looking at the site I had no idea where that was. 

I was thankful for the construction sound.  Had it been quiet as we looked around I know I would have just lost it.  All of the movement and sound made things feel alive though and that’s exactly what I needed to see. 

AJ was the first to speak up, “It’s big…”

I chuckled and nodded, “I was thinking the same thing.  Like duh, of course it’s big, but that was exactly what I thought first.  I think it’s because I haven’t been here since before it all happened.  Anything I’ve seen has been on tv.  So the perspective is all weird.”

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and smiled, “I knew I loved you…”

We hugged and looked at the site together with Kevin and Christian nearby.  I sighed and looked over to Christian, “I have no idea what I’m looking at, Chris… You’ve been here before, do you know what’s what?”

“Kind of…” he said as he and Kevin moved closer to us.  He pointed out where the Freedom Tower was going to be as well as where he thought the PATH station would be and the memorial. 

When he pointed out where the footprints of the former towers had been everything sort of hit me.  I was able to see the two large square shapes that were going to be turned into memorial pools and all of the perspective that I’d lost came rushing back to me along with my tears.

I didn’t Ugly Cry, thankfully, but my tears were steady and if I hadn’t had one or more of my boys hanging onto me I don’t know if I would have been able to stand there on my own.  My legs felt weak and I was shaking from head to toe.  I just kept looking at those huge squares and couldn’t help but remember what had been there before.

I finally shook my head as I wiped away tears with my hand, “I still can’t believe it.  I saw it happen and I still can’t believe it.  I don’t know if I ever will.  How the hell can those two huge buildings just be gone?  And all of the people…”

“It definitely doesn’t make any sense…” Kevin said quietly.  Somewhere along the line I’d been passed from AJ’s arms to Kevin’s and I didn’t remember it happening.  When I realized I was wrapped up in Kevin though I tried to relax a little bit, pressing as much of myself to him as I could.

“That’s one of the hardest things for me.  I can’t make any sense of it.  I know what happened, I know why it happened, but I still don’t get it.  I can’t understand that much hatred and how someone could just hurt so many innocent people.  I think about Sean and how amazing he was… he never hurt anyone in his life.  So why the hell attack him?  I don’t mean that anyone who died that day deserved to be attacked… I just… I don’t know how to say it…”

“I know what you mean, baby…”

“Good…” I said and sighed against his chest.  “Cause I don’t know what the hell I’m saying anymore.”  He kissed the top of my head and squeezed me tighter.  “Thank you, for doing this with me…”

“I’d do anything for you, you know that.”

I nodded, “Yeah, but sometimes I forget how awesome you are.”  I pulled back just enough to look up at him and smile, “As hard as that is to believe…”

We both laughed, “Yeah, because I am so awesome.”

AJ groaned, “Please don’t encourage his head to swell…”

I giggled and looked at AJ, “Sorry… I couldn’t help it this time.”  I reached out my hand to AJ and he took it and squeezed it.  “I’m glad you’re here too.  Thank you.”

He sort of half nodded and half shrugged then smiled, “I haven’t been here since 9/11 either.  I’m kind of glad I got to do it with you guys instead of having to do it alone.”

Christian threw an arm around AJ’s shoulders, “We like you… we’ve decided you can be in our club.”

AJ chuckled and did a little dance, “Yes!”

“You can expect your membership card in the mail in a few weeks…” I said with a giggle. 

“Do we get tee-shirts too?” AJ teased.

“You know what? We’ve never had tees!   I say we go down to that corner vender we saw down the street and get some I heart New York shirts.”

AJ and Christian spoke in unison, “Perfect!”

I laughed and looked at Kevin, “Oh man, they’re starting to talk in unison already.”

“You were the one who said he could join the club…” Kevin said in a total fatherly tone which made me giggle again.

“Shit, what about the cookies?” AJ asked and held up the box he’d been carrying for us.

I looked around wondering how we were going to get access to any construction workers.  Just when I was about to decide that we were going to end up taking a few dozen cookies home with us, I saw a group of workers who looked like they were going to leave the site.  “Ooh, come on…” I said and grabbed AJ’s hand. 

We rushed back through the maze that led us up to the observation area and made it down to the street level just as the group of about seven workers had opened up a gate to come out.  “Excuse us, could I bug you guys for just a second?” I asked.

All of the guys stopped and one of them said, “Sure, what’s up?”

“Hi…” I said and smiled.  “Um… I don’t really know how to say this without sounding like a dork.”

“We have cookies…” AJ said and held up the box.

I cracked up and most of the construction workers did too.  “What he means is that we brought these cookies down to share with you guys.  My little brother worked in one of the towers and I haven’t been back here since everything happened… He loved Snickerdoodles, and so when we decided to come down here today I thought I should bring cookies.  They’re freshly baked and I just really want someone who is working here at the site to have them…”

“We don’t ever turn down cookies…” one of the guys said and laughed a great laugh that made me grin.  “What’s your name, sweetheart?”

“Oh duh…” I said and shook my head.  “I guess I left that part out.  I’m Kellie, and this is AJ.”  I looked over my shoulder and noticed that Kevin and Christian had caught up with us as well.  “And that’s Kevin and Christian.”

“I’m Donnie and these yahoo’s are on my team’” he said pointing to the rest of his crew. 

“It’s really great to meet you…” I said and shook his hand then passed over the box of cookies. 

Donnie opened up the box and the freshly baked smell floated up out of the box making many of the guys groan with delight.  They each took a cookie and Donnie held the box with the rest, “What’s your brother’s name?”

I choked up suddenly but took a deep breath and smiled, “Sean.”

Donnie held up his cookie and looked at his crew, “To Sean…”

The guys all held their cookies up and repeated, “To Sean!”

I smiled and cried all at once.  It was the perfect cookie salute to Sean. “You guys rock…” I said as I wiped my tears. 

“Actually you do, for bringing these cookies!” said a guy whose shirt pocket said Tony on it.

“Wait a minute…” Donnie said and looked at us kind of funny.  “You were on tv the other day… You’re that writer who wrote Tuesday Morning.”

“Yeah, that’s me…” I said with a nod.

“Oh sweetie, that book…” he said and sighed while shaking his head.  “My wife read it and pretty much said I had to read it or she was going to make me sleep on the couch.  But man… it was amazing.”  He motioned to the rest of his guys, “We all read it; it went around the whole construction site.”

I started crying again, “Are you serious?  Wow.”

“I always wondered if you’d known someone who was here that day.  The way you wrote it made me think that you probably did…”

“I never really mentioned him because I didn’t want people to think I was trying to make a profit from his death.  I honestly didn’t write the book to be published, I just wrote it for me and my mom.”

“Well I’m glad you shared it…”

“We all are…” the guy with the Tony shirt added.

One of the other guys then said, “Yo, Tony… get out that fancy phone of yours and let’s get a picture.”

“Oh yeah, we have a camera too…” I said and turned to Christian who apparently had already been snapping pictures of me talking to Donnie and his men.

There was a bit of shuffling around until I was posed along the fence with the group of construction workers all holding Snickerdoodles.  I took down an email address from Donnie and promised to send him copies of the pictures.  I hugged all seven of the workers and got their names as well.  A few of them even asked me to sign their hard hats which I thought was pretty awesome.  Someone eventually realized who Kevin and AJ were too and many more pictures were taken with the crew so that their daughters at home who were Backstreet fans would think their dads were pretty cool. 

It turned out that the crew was on their way to lunch at a nearby restaurant and they invited us to join them.  We did and ended up treating them to lunch.  They were able to tell us great stories about working at the Trade Center site that made us laugh and cry.

By the time we were done, I felt like I’d made a whole new bunch of friends.  I also felt like I’d made a huge step in dealing with my grief.  It was a really great day.