My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Fifteen

February 10th 2010

To you Logan James Mclean Thank You; Thank You for the love, Thank You for the joy you shared with me.  Thank You for giving me the chance to be your Father, even though it wasn’t very long and Thank You for being strong enough, for holding on long enough so your Mother could hold you. I know she’s been crying a lot because she misses you so much and today we have to say goodbye to you.  I want you to know you will always be in my heart; you will always be with me. So go in peace and know your Mom will be ok, I will make sure of it.  I miss you lil man.

Love always and Forever;

                Daddy

“Knock Knock” His Mom’s voice said and he looked up from his desk.

“Hi” AJ replied as he closed his book.

“Oh darling.” Denise sighed as she walked over to him.  She wiped the tears from his eyes and then hugged him.  He looked at her with a light smile and sniffed, his Mom frowned.  “The Limo’s are here, it’s time to go to the church.”

“Is Chelsea ready?” He asked as he put his journal into the top drawer.

“She’s still upstairs, I was figuring we’ll all head out and the three of you can go when you’re ready.” His Mom told him. 

They walked out of the room and down the hall to the kitchen.  It was pretty full; Kevin and Kris were there, Brian and LeighAnne, his Dad Tony, and Tim and his wife.  He felt a little bit of anger rise up in him when he saw Jerald wasn’t with the Richardson’s.  He looked over and saw Nadia at the table sipping on a soda. He sighed.

“Limo’s are here.” AJ told them.  “I’m going to go get Chels, we’ll meet you guys there.”

“I’m going with you guys right?” Nadia asked as she spun around.

“Yes Hun you’re coming with us.” He replied.  “I’ll be right back.”

AJ left the kitchen and headed up the stairs, he walked down the hallway to his bedroom.  As he passed the room that was supposed to be the nursery he stopped and peaked around the doorway.  There he saw Chelsea sitting on the floor in the middle of the room.  He stood there for a moment and watched her.

“Sweetheart?” He spoke hoping he didn’t scare her.  She looked back at him and he took a step in.  “The Limo is here.” He told her.  “Ready to go?”

“No” She spoke quietly.

With a sigh he opened his black suit jacket and sat down on the carpet.  He pushed her hair behind her ear and kissed her temple and then brought her into his arms.  It didn’t take her long to start crying.  He closed his eyes, focusing so he could be strong for her.  He remembered back to when he brought her home.  How she walked upstairs, shut the door to their room and didn’t come out.   She was sleeping when he went to bed but he was awoken by her crying. She wouldn’t go with him to pick out the Coffin luckily his Mom and Kevin were there to help him. Yesterday it was a battle royal trying to get her to see the councilor Doctor Lane had set them up with and she still hasn’t said a word to him since.  He didn’t care how mad she got at him, she needed to go, and she needed to talk to someone because she wasn’t talking to him.

“I can’t do this Alex.” She said as she pulled away.  “Please don’t make me do this.”

“Chelsea you have to go or you will regret it later.” AJ said “I’ll be right there right beside you the whole time, you can hang onto me and not let go for the whole day I don’t care, but you need to go sweetheart.”

“It’s not fair.” She cried.  “I want him back Alex, I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this, I want my baby.”

“I know Chels , if I could bring him back I would, I’d give up my life to bring him back to you if I could.”  He said as he started crying with her. “But I can’t and I know you don’t want to hear this right now sweetheart but you need to say goodbye.  You don’t have to let go you can keep him locked away in your heart forever but you at least need to say goodbye.”

“But I don’t want too.” She cried her voice almost a whine.

“Neither do I Chels.” AJ told her and she looked at him.  “You’re not alone in this, I’m dying inside too and the only things keeping me sober right now are Nadia and You.  I need you to go; I need you there beside me, holding my hand and keeping me sane.” 

Chelsea slid her arms through his and wrapped them behind him; pulling him against her tightly.  She didn’t say anything she just held him and he didn’t say anything either as he held her just as tightly back.  After a couple of minutes they pulled away and looked at each other.  He held her hands in his and took a breath.

“Ready?” He asked.

She nodded slowly.

He gave her a light smile and stood up. Then he walked behind her and slipped his arms under her and carefully lifted her up off the floor.  “You shouldn’t be sitting on the floor Chels, you’re still recovering .” He told her with concern, she didn’t say anything.  Following her out of the room, AJ closed the bedroom door behind them and then began to walk back downstairs.  When they reached the bottom Chelsea turned around and looked at him.

“Where is everyone?” She asked.

“The kitchen but they might have left already; they’re going to meet us there.” He told her. 

“They left” Nadia said as she walked out of the room.

“Well then we should get going too.” AJ told them as he motioned for them to go to the door.

AJ walked his family down to the long cars and the driver opened the door.  Nadia was the first one in and then Chelsea followed.  After AJ had gotten in the driver closed the door and he sat back.  He looked over to Nadia who was looking out the window and then he looked over to his wife.  She was fiddling with her fingers.  Reaching over he took her hand and she looked up at him.  He the brought it to his lips and gently kissed the back of her hand.  A small very tiny smile broke from her lips and right now it was enough for him.

The closer they got to the church the closer his wife got to him.  Eventually he had his arm wrapped around her as her head lied on his shoulder. They entered Hollywood Forever Cemetery and headed towards the small church that was on the property. When they rolled up to the Church they saw Denise, Anne and Kevin standing outside.  Kevin turned to look at the Limo and then that’s when AJ saw Jerald standing there. 

When the car stopped and the driver got out, the man walked around to their door and opened it.  AJ got out first and then he reached for Chelsea carefully holding her as she climbed out of the limo.  When she stood up he looked at her.

“You ok?” He asked and she nodded.

When Nadia got out of the car she turned to her parents.  “I’m going to go see Denise.”

“Okay” AJ replied and then watched her walk over to his Mom and Dad Tony.

He looked down when Chelsea took his hand.  “If he starts anything even looks at you the wrong way so help me god.” She whispered.  He squeezed her hand lightly and smiled. 

“Don’t you worry about me and him.” He said. 

“Did you guys want to go in right away?” Kevin asked when he walked up to them.

He looked at Chelsea to see what she wanted to do but instead she spoke up.  “I’m sure you’re going want a smoke before going in.”

“No, it’s cool.” AJ replied.

“We’ll meet you in there.” Chelsea replied. 

He watched as their family went inside including Nadia and then he looked at Chelsea.  “What’s up?”

“Not ready.” She said looking at him.

“Well we’ll go sit over there and I’ll have my smoke, then we’ll go in ok?” He told her.

“Okay” She replied with a nod.

They walked over to the bench and sat down.  He pulled his lighter and cigarettes from the inside of his jacket and popped one out from the top.  “Give me one.” Chelsea said and his head snapped up at her.

“No” He replied quickly.

She rolled her eyes.  “Alex I’m a grown woman, my son just died give me a damn cigarette please.” She said her voice calm yet stern.

He gave her a look to let her know he wasn’t happy about her lighting up but he gave her the pack anyways.  Who was he to argue right now?  She lit the cigarette like most first timers do but it didn’t take her as many tries as he thought to actual get the flame on his Bic to stay lit long enough.  AJ was ready for the cough attacks that happen when you take your first drag.  Even though you try not to suck to much, it always ends up happening.

“Chelsea” AJ sighed.  She ignored him as she took a deep breath and a break.  After a moment she took another drag, she coughed again but not as bad as before.  By the time she was half way done her smoke it wasn’t bothering her anymore.

AJ stared at her as she took another drag from the cigarette.  It was weird seeing her sitting there smoking.  He started thinking how really life changing this event was to be for them.  Things were going to be different from this point on.  Their foundation was shook to the core and as Chelsea started to sob again he hoped he was strong enough to keep them up until the crack got fixed.

 Slipping his arm over her back he pulled her close to him.  There was nothing he could say, how many times could he tell her it would be ok.  With a heavy sigh he blew out the last of the smoke in his lungs and stood up as he butted out the cigarette.  He then turned to his wife and looked at her.

“Let’s go inside now okay?” He said as she tossed the butt of her cigarette.

She said nothing as she wrapped her arm through his and then let him lead her up to the church doors.  He pulled off his sun glasses as they walked inside and looked around.  Family and friends sat staring back at them with sad eyes. He saw Nadia sitting up front on the right with his Mom and Tony; the Richardson’s were on the opposite side of the isle.  Chelsea’s grip on him tightened and he looked over at her.  She was staring straight ahead and he followed her gaze. That’s when he saw the small ivory casket that he had only picked out a couple of days ago.  It was surrounded with baby blue flowers and a single white rose on top.  The walk to the bench seemed to take years but they both made it and sat down.  He looked over when Denise handed Chelsea some tissue and he gave her a light kiss on the side of the head.

When he looked away his eyes locked on the ivory box.  He thought about the small baby boy that laid inside.  Chelsea was right it wasn’t fair.  He wanted more time with his son.  He wanted to see him smile, hear him laugh, and tell him how much he loved him.  He wanted to take him on trips to the park, swims in the pool, and rides in the car.  Closing his eyes he tried to stop the tears from falling but he couldn’t.  He looked down as one dripped down his check and fell onto his hand.

The service was a blur the only thing AJ paid attention too was the box that sat in front of him.  He thought about the little time they had, taking pictures and little pep talks.  He thought about when Chelsea held their son, the smile on her face after she had calmed down and the look in her eyes as she looked over him.  He was never going to see that smile or that look in her eyes again.   AJ looked over at his wife, she sat still her hand still tightly wrapped around his but her eyes were closed. 

Leaning over he whispered.  “How are you doing?”

Her eyes opened and she looked at him.  She did not answer but laid her head on his shoulder.  He slipped his hand behind her and wrapped it around her side.  He glanced over to Nadia who was looking down at her hands twiddling her fingers.  His attention was taken away when he realized the people around him were standing up.  Gently he pulled Chelsea away and helped her stand up.  When he saw Kevin, Tim, Tony and Brian gather he knew it was time to go.  He watched as the four men gently picked up the small casket and followed the Priest down the isle.  A woman motioned for AJ and Chelsea to follow.  Still holding her around the waist AJ began walking with her down the isle, making sure Nadia was behind them.

When they walked outside the sun was a blinding bright so he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his glasses putting them on.  Carefully he took each step making sure Chelsea was ok.  They stopped at the bottom of the stairs and watched as the small ivory casket was loaded into the hearse.   AJ felt a hand on his arm and he looked to his right.

“Want me to take Nadia, so you and Chels can have some alone time?” His mom asked.

He looked over and his daughter.  “Do you want to go with my Mom?”

“Sure” Nadia replied.  She walked up to him and hugged him.  He held her tightly and longer than he normally does.  When she pulled away she turned to Chelsea and did the same.

“Love you” She heard Nadia say to her Mom.

“I love you too sweetheart.” Chelsea replied and AJ saw a small smile.

He took his wife’s hand as he watched his daughter walk away with his Mom to the other Limo’s.

“Let’s go.” AJ said to Chelsea as he looked at her.  She was still staring at the back of the hearse, the back door now closed and the group of pallbearers already getting into their limo’s.  It took her a moment but she started walking with him down to their car.  He opened the door for her and helped her on to the seat.  When she was settled he got in and closed the door.  It wasn’t a very long ride to the burial sight.  A nice little spot close to one of the many trees that scattered the lawn and it was a peaceful calm as the people gathered around the white chairs.  The car stopped and AJ turned to his wife, she stared at the back of the driver window. 

“We’re here Chels.” AJ said as he lightly placed his hand over hers, she didn’t move.  The driver opened their door and she still didn’t move.  “Chels.” AJ said as he cocked his head a little.  Her head slowly turned to him, her eyes locked on him and she started to slowly shake her head.

He turned to look at the driver.  “Just give us a second.” The man nodded and AJ closed the door.  He turned to his wife and saw the look on her face.  She looked a little frightened and tired.

“I-I-I don’t want to go.” She whispered her voice shaky and weak.

“I know you don’t but you have to…”

“Please Alex I don’t want to remember him like this.” She as he placed his hand on the side of her neck.  “I want to remember holding him and being his Mom for the short time I was.”  AJ pulled her into his arms as she started to sob.  “I don’t want to see the box on top of a pile of dirt; I don’t want to remember him that way.”

“Chelsea…”

“I can still say goodbye, I’m saying goodbye I…” She stopped but her grip around him tightened.  “Please Alex.”

His heart was telling him to pull her out of the car and sit her down, even his brain was agreeing but there was something nagging, somewhere at him and it told him to give her what she wanted.  Slowly he pulled her away and gently placed his hands on the side of her arms.  He looked into her wet, red puffy eyes and slowly inhaled.

“Alright” He sighed and before she looked away and fell back into his arms he saw relief in her eyes.

“Thank you” She whispered.

“Are you really sure this is what you want?” He asked and she nodded.  “Okay” AJ turned to open the car door when something grabbed his face and then he felt two lips press against his.  When she pulled away he looked at her a little stunned.

“I love you” She said and the shock disappeared and he lightly smiled.

“I love you too” He replied and gave her a quick kiss.

He thought about asking her one more time but knew at this point there was no convincing her. So he opened the door and got out of the car.  He informed the driver Chelsea would be staying and then began to walk towards his family and friends.

“Where’s Mom?” Nadia asked.

“She’s staying in the Limo.” AJ told her as he sat down beside her.

“What?” Kevin, Kevin’s Mom, and his Mom replied.

“What do you mean she’s staying in the car? Alex she needs to be here.” Kevin told him.

“Well she doesn’t want to be and I’m not going to make her, she doesn’t want to see this, she just wants to remember what she had and I trust she knows how she wants to deal with this.” AJ replied as he looked at everyone.  He then looked to the Priest.

“Sorry Father you can begin now.” He replied and the man nodded.

He felt a tug on his jacket and looked beside him at his daughter.

“Is Mom ok?” She whispered.

“Yeah she’s okay” He replied with a light smile and Nadia looked back at the Priest as he talked.  AJ took a deep breath as he looked at the casket in front of him.  “Please be okay.” He prayed to himself.