My Breathless Mistress VI

Chapter Seventeen

                AJ sat quietly in the patio chair as he smoked a cigarette.  He stared out towards the mountains in the distance, the palm trees swayed in the gentle breeze and the early, very early morning sky calmed the land below.  He had been up all night fighting with himself, to go or not to go.  Everything in him wanted so desperately to leave this moment and just get down right tanked.  Not just tanked but the wake up three days later in an IHOP tanked.  But not this time, not now.  This time he was going to prove them all wrong, this time he was going too…

“What are you doing up?” A voice said from beside him and he looked up at Kevin.

“What are you doing in my house at…?” He looked down at his watch and was a little shocked by the time.  “Four Thirty in the morning.”

“I was up talking to Jerald I was around the area going home and figured I’d see if anyone was up.” Kevin said as he sat down beside AJ.

“I’m up” AJ sighed.

“Chels sleeping?” Kevin asked.

“Yeah” AJ replied a little agitated. 

“How are you?” His friend asked.

“I’m fine” AJ replied quickly yet almost robotic like.

“Ya don’t sound like it man and since its four thirty in the morning I have to wonder.”

“I want a drink so fucking bad.” AJ blurted out.  “I haven’t slept yet at all, I’ve been doing everything I can think of to kick it, playing the Wii, playing the three sixty, online poker, and now sitting here chain smoking.”

“I know it’s hard.” Kevin said but AJ interrupted him.

“No, no you don’t.  Hard is when your cat dies, this…this…this is merciless” He paused and took a deep breath.  “Chelsea is falling apart, you didn’t see her in that limo Kev, she was so terrified to leave it, I think she’s still blaming herself and I caught her talking to herself after we got home from the funeral.”

“Talking to herself?” Kevin replied confused.

“She was sitting on the bed saying shut up over and over and then when I went to talk to her she screamed at me and shoved me to the floor.” AJ told him.  “She said I scared her but I don’t think that was it.”  He took a drag of his cigarette.  “And then there’s Nadia.”

“What’s wrong with Nadia?” Kevin asked shocked.

“She’s having nightmares about something.” AJ told him. “I’m not sure what about but there’s stuff that happened with Helen that we don’t know about.”

“Like what?” Kevin asked and AJ heard the small hint of fright in his voice.

“We don’t know and we didn’t want to push.” AJ sighed.  Like a semi going over an old wooden bridge in Madison County AJ started to crumble.  He held his head in his hands as he sobbed and his friends hand on his back was no consolation.  “I am trying to hold this family together; I’m trying to be strong for them, to be there for them…”

“But” Kevin spoke.

AJ took a deep breath and wiped his tears.  “But what about me?”  He asked.  “Chelsea’s done nothing but sleep.  I take care of Nadia, I met with the Priest, I picked out the coffin, and I’m trying to keep my wife from totally losing it.  I’m just trying to keep everything going because if I stop...” He paused and took a deep breath.

“Yeah man I hear ya” Kevin sighed.

“I’m scared for her…” He told Kevin and his friend looked at him with concern.  “I’m scared she’s going to do something stupid.”

“Like what?” Kevin asked but AJ just looked at him. “AJ…”

“We got home from Hospital and she went right to bed, she woke up around three crying, she fell back to sleep, she crawled out of bed at two in the afternoon, I got her to eat toast and she went back to bed.  It’s like she just doesn’t want to be here, she doesn’t want to deal.”  He took a drag from his cigarette.  “Even today I tried to get her to come downstairs and sit with Nadia. You know, get her around her daughter around her family.  She sat there for something like fifteen minutes and then went upstairs and back to sleep.”

“How was she in the limo?” Kevin asked.

“A mess, she was sobbing almost uncontrollably, she was shaking and she looked terrified.  I don’t think I could have gotten her to go even if I tried to drag her out of the car.” He told him.

“Mom said she caught Chelsea smoking before she went upstairs.” Kevin said.

“That explains why I’m missing a few.” AJ sighed.

“You knew she was smoking?” Kevin asked.

“She wasn’t ready to go into the chapel that’s why she was a little pushy about the smoke.  We sat down I lit up and the next thing I know she’s asking me for one.”

“What?” Kevin replied stunned.

“I told her no but she bitched me out, told me she was a grown woman her Son had just died and if she wanted a cigarette she was going to have one.” AJ said.

“Alex you gave her one?” Kevin replied.

“What the hell was I suppose to do?” AJ snapped back.

“Not giving her one would have been a start.” His friend spoke trying to keep his voice down.

“I don’t know what to do, I’m trying to hold this all together, I’m trying to let her deal with this how she wants too but I don’t think it’s the right way.  It’s like she’s slipping from me.”

“Have you heard anything from Doctor Lane?”  His friend asked. “About he autopsy?”

“They are almost ninety percent sure it was an Apnea spell.   With his heart being as weak as it was…” AJ replied with a sigh.

“What is that?” Kevin asked.

“Basically it’s because his brain wasn’t fully developed in the area that controls the drive to breathe.  He stopped breathing and his heart went into cardiac arrest and because he was already pretty weak he didn’t come out of it.” AJ told him. 

Taking a deep breath he reached over and grabbed his pack of cigarettes.  He put the brown end into his mouth and lit the open tobacco tip.  With a deep inhale he pulled the smoke into his lungs, held onto it for a moment and then blew it out.  He looked over at his friend.

“So what did you and Jerald talk about?” AJ asked.

“About what happened at the grave site.” Kevin told him.  “And why he was there in the first place.”

“What did he say?”

“He was there because he says he saw your Dad hanging around so he stayed back too see if he would approach you.” Kevin told him.  “He said when he saw you jump up he started heading over and when you shoved him he started running.”

“Why?” AJ replied confused.

Kevin looked at him with a look of relief on his face.  “He’s not a heartless prick after all.”

AJ smiled and snickered.  “Well that’s good to know” He sat back in the chair and put his legs out.  The sky was starting to show a little pink which meant the sun was coming.  “I just don’t know what to do now.” He said as he looked down at his hands.  “How do I get Chels to stop blaming herself, how do I help her move on from this?”

“Ask her” Kevin said. “If you don’t know what’s going on, then ask her.”

“I did I asked her to talk to me when she shoved me.” AJ replied back.

“Not when she’s upset, cause obviously she was upset at that moment.” Kevin told him.  His friend then looked down at his wrist.  “Wow it’s almost five, I should get going.”

“Well thanks for stopping by.” AJ said as he stood up and walked inside the house. “Don’t make a habit out of it.”

“Whatever man, it sounded like you needed the talk.” Kevin replied with a smirk as they walked down the hallway.

AJ walked Kevin to the door and let his friend out.  He locked the door behind him and then turned back around.  Stopping at the bottom of the stairs and wondered if he should go out for one more smoke.  He looked upstairs and thought about his wife sleeping.  The urge to drink disappeared and the need to hold her took over.  Step by step he made his way up to the second floor.  The exhaustion of the day caught up to him when he reached the top and the door to his bedroom seemed to be miles away.  Finally he reached his room and opened the door.  The old wooden bridge buckled some more when he saw her sitting up crying.

“Chels” AJ sighed as he closed the door.  He walked over to her and sat down.  “Chelsea” He said as he took her hands.  “How long have you been up?” She didn’t answer but she lightly shrugged.

“Where were you, you weren’t here when I woke up?” She asked.

“I was outside having a smoke.” He told her.

“That sounds like a good idea.” She said as she pulled away the blankets but he gently grabbed her arm and stopped her from standing up.

“You’re not going outside; you’re not going to have a cigarette.” AJ told her.

“What did I tell you this morning?” She replied with an angry glare.

“That was this morning, this is now.” AJ told her.  “I want to talk to you.”

“Then talk to me outside while…”

“Damn it Chelsea no” AJ snapped and she looked at him confused.  “You’re not going to have a cigarette you don’t need one. “

“What do you want?” She asked coldly.

“I want you to talk to me.”

“About what?” She asked.

“Chelsea you know what.”

“I’m tired of talking.” She sighed.

“It seems you’re tired of a lot of things.” AJ replied to her and her head shot towards him.

“What is that suppose to mean?” She asked.

“The only thing you’ve done these past few days is sleep.”

“So?” She replied.

“So?” AJ replied a little shocked and a little hurt.  “So you have a daughter that lost her brother, a daughter that is still getting use to her Mother and Father…”

Chelsea interrupted him.  “I sat with her this afternoon.”

“One day Chelsea for about fifteen minutes and then you were upstairs sleeping again.” He said trying to stay calm.

“What the fuck do you want from me?!” Chelsea screamed and AJ sat there a little speechless.  “You come up here and bother me...”

“Bother you, I was going to bed and you were up here…”

She interrupted him. “Oh right you were downstairs smoking, sure.”

“What the hell is that suppose to mean?”  She said nothing but the look in her eyes said it all. “And when exactly do you think I’ve had time to drink, hmm?” He shouted.  “While you were sleeping and I was watching our daughter? Or maybe it was when I was down at the Funeral Parlor picking out the casket…oh wait I know it was when I was talking to the Priest we tossed back a few while writing out the Eulogy.“ He got up and walked over to his dresser, grab his PJ’s and walked into the bathroom. 

He threw the cotton pants across the bathroom and growled in anger and frustration.   As he leaned over the sink he looked at himself in the mirror.  Man he looked tired.  AJ lowered his head and let the tears fall, he let the pain, and frustration out.  He was trying so hard to stay on the right path, to stay the course focus on his family but what was the point of putting himself through this if she was just going to accuse him anyways.

“Fuck it” He thought and he grabbed the bathroom door knob.  He swung open the door ready to burst out of the room, out of the house into his car and down to the closes bar he could find.  But when the door opened he looked down and saw Chelsea standing right there. 

“What?” He asked his voice not hiding his anger and frustration.

“I-I’m sorry.” She replied.  “But you don’t know what it’s like…”

“I?” AJ snapped back. “I don’t know what it’s like? What the fuck does that mean?” He shouted as he walked into their bedroom.  “I don’t know what it’s like.” With a sarcastic laugh he shook his head.  “You’re right I don’t, I know  nothing about loosing a kid…” AJ’s temper was getting the best of him at this point and he spun to Chelsea.  “You know why!?” He yelled at her. “Cause I’ve been picking up your fucking slack.”

“Alex” Chelsea spoke but he ignored her.

“I’m the one who looked after Nadia; I’m the one who talked to the Doctors, the Councilors, even though you were there.  I’m the one that met with the Priest, picked out the Casket, I did everything!” He shouted at her.  “Everything while you stayed locked up in here sleeping; I haven’t had a fucking chance to fucking deal!”  With a growl he headed out of the room.

“Alex where are you going?” Chelsea shouted after him down the hall.

“For a fucking drink.” AJ mumbled as he hurried down the stairs, grabbed his jacket, his keys and walked out of the house making sure he slammed the door behind him.  He fumbled for his car key on the chain, his anger preventing him from focusing.  When he found the key he unlocked the door and got into his car.  He looked up as he started the engine and saw Chelsea standing at the door.  Quickly he looked away and peeled out of the drive way. 

He drove quickly through the streets of LA, blew through a couple of Stop signs, and almost got into another accident flying through an intersection.  His phone rang over and over and over but each time he ignored it.  His eyes locked on the road as he just drove and when the lights of the city faded away, when the lights of the heavy traffic vanished, AJ stopped the car. 

He pulled off to the side of the road but sat there still, not moving staring at the road.  It wasn’t about drinking any more it was about getting away, getting away from the pain, from the grief and from everything that was weighing him down.  He just wanted a moment to breathe; he needed a moment to exhale.  When his cell phone went off, his jaw and the grip on his steering wheel tightened.

“One fucking second all I want is one fucking second!” He shouted as he grabbed his cell phone and pressed he talk button.  “What!?” He yelled into the phone.

“She’s gone.” Chelsea quiet shaky voice said into the phone.  “She’s gone Alex.”

“Who’s gone?” AJ asked confused as Chelsea cried.

“Nadia” Chelsea replied.  “She took off after you did.”

AJ closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Just one second” He thought.

“Alex?” Chelsea shaky voice broke over the phone.

“I’m on my way home.” He said and then cut the call.

His eyes looked back onto the road and he gripped his steering wheel.  His mind drifted back to yesterday morning, although it wasn’t really yesterday to him since he hadn’t been to bed yet.  The words he wrote in his journal played back.

“So go in peace and know your Mom will be ok, I will make sure of it.”

His hands on the steering wheel loosened and he let out a sigh.  His car pulled back onto the two lane California highway and then turned around in a U turn, heading back towards Los Angeles.  He drove back the way he came and in his mind he knew where Nadia was most likely heading.  When he reached a Red Light he picked up his cell and dialed home.

“Did you find her?” Chelsea asked without saying hello.

“No not yet” AJ replied.  “Did you call Kandis’s?”

“Yeah Jodi said if she shows up there they will call right away.” Chelsea told him.

“I’ll head that way see if I can see her.” AJ told her and cut the call before she could say anything else.

When he turned off one of the major streets he started to follow the path he knew Nadia took whenever she walked over to Kandis’s.  He drove down about a couple of blocks and then to his relief he saw her.  As he rolled up to her he slowed down and rolled down the passenger window.

“Nadia” AJ said as he watched her out the window and watched the road.  She didn’t answer. “Nadia get in the car please.”

“No” Nadia snapped back but kept walking.  She adjusted her backpack and then picked up her pace.  AJ put the car into park and got out.  He jogged up to his daughter and stopped her.  “Let me go.”

“No you’re coming home; your Mother is worried sick about you.” AJ told her.

“Bullshit” Nadia barked.

“Hey!” AJ replied taking her by the wrist.

Nadia pulled her arm away.  “She doesn’t care, she doesn’t care about anything!  What’s going too happened to me now that you’re gone?”

“I’m not gone” AJ told her.  “And your Mom does care Nadia but she’s really hurt right now and…”

“And we’re not? We loved him too.” Nadia snapped back.

“I know” AJ replied as he pulled her closer to him.  “But we both have to remember that what your Mom is going through is different than us.  Your Mom carried him and there’s all that Mother Baby bonding they’re always talking about. She was already blaming herself because he was born premature and now this on top.  She feels guilty and yeah things are really rough for her right now.”

“Then why did you get so mad at her and take off?” Nadia asked as she wiped her eyes.

“Because I forgot, maybe I got a little selfish too; it’s been a rough few days.  We got to help her get better, we gotta try and get her to see this isn’t her fault and get her to snap out of this.” AJ replied.  “So” He said as he looked down at his daughter.  “Ready to go home?”

“Are you?” She asked.

“Yes” He replied with a nod.  She looked at the car and then at him. Then with a sigh she headed towards his vehicle.