An Illicit Gentleman II

                                         Chapter-Forty Three

            Sitting in the patio chair Eve looked around at everyone in her backyard.  Alex was there with his Mother, Kevin and Kristen where there as well as Howie and his soon to be wife Leigh.  They laughed, they smiled, and they talked but why they laughed, why they smiled and what they talked about she didn’t know.  Her world was silent now and it made her feel so incredibly lonely.  It really was true what they said about being deaf, like going through life with the mute button on and she hated it.  Again her life had been flipped upside down, her life changed because of someone else and just like last time she was expected to just deal with it.  Well last time there were options, adoption, surrogates and others but this, there was no options for this. 

            She looked over at her husband as he talked on his cell phone with someone.  A feeling of sadness came over her and she looked away not wanting anyone to see her cry, thank god for dark sunglasses.  Eve closed her eyes and pulled herself together.  God how she missed his voice, the raspy, soothing, and caring tone it always carried.  Her mind took her back to the day they took the tube out, when he walked into her room, sat down beside her, kissed her temple as he placed his hands on the side of her neck and said “Everything would be ok.” 

            There was no sound, no voice, his lips moved and nothing came out.  It was then it hit her how bad it was.  The first few days she was in the hospital she had the tube down her throat and groggy from the meds but that, that was her wake up call, she was deaf.  Her mind started thinking about other things she would never be able to do again.  She would never be able to dance for him, she would never be able to hear him sing to her as they lied in bed and the kicker was she would never be able to hear her kitchen working behind her. 

            A shadow came over her and she looked up to see AJ kneeling down beside her.  She looked up at him and tried to push her thoughts away but it was hard when her thoughts were all she had.  He signed to her that everyone was starting to head out.  Well he signed that everyone was dark but she knew what he meant and didn’t feel like correcting him this time.

Eve stood up and followed AJ and everyone around the side of the house.  It was nice not having the paps out front, well there were still a few but nothing like it was before the accident.  As she looked around at everyone talking while they stood in the driveway, that lonely feeling came back.  Almost like being the last kid in the class being picked for gym.  Feeling like she was missing out on some huge inside joke and it ate at her, made her angry and hurt in one second flat.  She looked up when something caught her eye and saw everyone looking at her.

She saw their mouths move as they gave a waved and being able to put two and two together realized they were all waving goodbye to her.  Putting on her bravest face she smiled and waved back.  Eve walked into the house and looked back, sighing as she watched the door close she then walked into the living room and curled into the corner of the couch.  She thought about turning on the TV but she wanted to watch TV not read it.  Again she found herself in her own world, the silence everywhere and then another shadow crept across her.  She looked up and saw AJ standing behind her head as her rested on the arm of the couch. 

“Are you ok?” He signed. 

Was she ok? How could she even begin to tell him what was wrong without writing a novel.  She sat up confused when he quickly walked out of the room and a minute later came back in with a pad of paper and a pen.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” She thought very annoyed.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” AJ signed to her and then handed her the pad.

“Not enough paper.” She signed back, her hands lightly slapping against each other as they drifted angrily pasted each other as she signed.

“Then talk.” He sighed.  Eve stared at him for a minute and then shook her head as she looked away.  She felt his fingers gently touch under her chin and he pulled her head so she would look at him.  “If you’re not going to sign or write and tell me what’s wrong, what you’re feeling then talk and tell me.”

Frustrated that he just wouldn’t back off for a moment, was it to much to ask to just let her wallow for a bit and was it to much to ask for him to understand why she didn’t want to talk.  Irritated she grabbed the pad and pen from him and began writing.  What started out as a paragraph turned into two and two paragraphs turned into a page.  When she was done she tossed the pad on the other side of the couch, stood up and stormed off upstairs.

She slammed the door behind her and sat down on the bed.  Taking a deep breath as she closed her eyes she tried to calm herself.  As her frustration and anger began to drift away her mind began to remember the last paragraph of the letter.

“You have no idea what it is like for me right now, I’m sorry I’m not giving you what you need but you’re not the one who will never hear again!! I can’t hear anything Alex nothing, not a bird chirping, or a dog barking and I definitely can’t hear myself talk.  I don’t know what I sound like, I don’t know if I’m yelling.  I have so much stuff I’m trying to fucking deal with in my head I don’t need that fucking with my emotions along with everything else.  Why can’t you just give me the time I need.  You have no idea how incredibly alone I feel right now and no there is nothing you can do. I’m sure you have a million things to do before you start rehearsals next week and then the tour, plus your solo, so just worry about that and let me deal with this because I’m the only one who can deal with this.”

Eve started to feel guilty as she went over her angry words in the letter.  She couldn’t even imagine how hard this was for him.  What he went through while waiting in the ER, going from hospital to studio, from studio to hospital and now he had promo coming up and the tour.  She didn’t want to be a hindrance to him, she didn’t want him to have to be worried about her twenty four seven but right now she needed him.  Eve wanting nothing more than to ask him to just stop everything, stop it all and stay with her, take care of her and get her out of the this dark place the silence was taking her.  But she knew she couldn’t, the group was his life, he loved it as much as he loved her and she didn’t want to take that away from him.  Especially with his own stuff finally coming out, he’s been so excited.

With a sigh she opened her eyes and saw AJ standing in the doorway.  Looking down at her fingers as she picked at her nails she could feel him walk over to her.  The bed shifted as he sat down beside her, his arm gently wrapped around her waist and when she felt his hand slide along her back, sadness over came her as fast as the anger did.  Laying her head on his shoulder she began to cry.  She waited to hear him say “It will be ok darling” She waited to hear him say “We’ll get through this like everything else.” But all she heard was silence. 

Why, why did she feel like this? Alex was right there holding her and yet she felt like he was a thousand miles away.  She didn’t want to get mad at him but the silence around her always ended up closing in and it would engulf her thoughts and her feelings.  Wiping her eyes as AJ slowly pulled them apart she tried to calm herself.

Eve looked up when AJ started signing.  “You just arrived home, been a long day, maybe you should sleep?”

She nodded; maybe sleep was a good idea.  He moved out of the way and pulled the blankets down for her as she stretched her legs out.  Reaching behind her ear Eve slipped the hearing aid from her ear and looked at it as it sat in her hand.  His fingers drifted over the device and he took it from her hand, placing it on top of the night stand.  When his eyes met hers again she frowned.

“I’m so sorry.” She signed and he quickly shook his head.

“No, it’s not your fault, you can not help it.” AJ signed to her.

“Getting better.” She replied with a light smile.

“I try.” He signed with a goofy smile. 

Eve laid her head on her pillow and AJ stood up and kissed her softly on the lips.  Her eyes fluttered as he signed ‘I love you.’  She lightly smiled as he kissed the back of her hand and the gently placed it beside her on the bed.  The last thing she remembered before falling asleep was AJ walking out the door.

When her eyes opened again she was back in the car driving down the hi-way.  Before she had time to think what she was doing there the car jerked forward and the wheel almost spun out of her hands.  She grabbed it and took control back.  Then she remembered the cell of the floor, leaning down she quickly reached for the phone and almost hand it in her hand when the car jerked again.  The wheel slipped from her hands and she felt the car go flying to the left.  Sitting up she grabbed the stirring wheel and pulled it sending the car flying to the left.  It went up on its side and slowly fell onto the hood as it slid along the hi-way.

She shot straight up; her breathing was heavy and panting.  He quickly brushed her hair from her wet, sweating face.  She frantically looked around the pitch black dark room unsure of where she was.  Then she felt something touch her arm, she jumped almost falling out of the bed but what ever had grabbed her arm stopped her from falling.  She was pulled back up and when she looked to see who grabbed her, she saw AJ staring back at her.  Realizing she was dreaming about the crash she felt herself starting to calm.

“What happened?” He asked.

“Dream about the crash.” She replied.  “I am ok now.”

“Do you want a drink?” He asked.  “Water?”

“Please” She replied with a light smile.  Her husband returned the smile and kissed her before climbing out of bed.  When he returned he handed her the glass of water, she took it and took a sip from it.  She set the glass down on the table and looked at her husband as he sat beside her.  He really must be going crazy not knowing what was going on inside of her.  Usually she always ended up telling him but now, now it was just too hard.  But would he judge her? Would he laugh at her if she talked?  Of course he wouldn’t, he might even help her, tell her when she’s talking to loud or what have you.  Closing her eyes she took a deep breath and then looked at AJ who had worry in his eyes.

“I will tell you how I fell but it still does not mean I want to talk all the time, ok?” She told him through her hands.  He nodded and she could tell by his nod he was already relieved.  Eve wet her lips and thought about what she wanted to say, where would be the best place to start.  Well let’s just start with when she woke up.