I inhaled sharply, the air filling my lungs felt painful. The room was too white. A flash of memory rushed through my head and I reached for my face, my hands shaking, expecting to pull away with sticky blood all over them. There was no blood, there was no painful cuts and scabs and bruises. I was completely in one piece. My heart started slamming in my chest. This is it, this is what Heaven was like. I'd always thought I'd die and go to Hell but apparently I was being extra good when I flipped the Escalade because I'd somehow gone from the front seat of that car to the whitest white room I'd ever seen and -- yes, I see it, there's the proverbial light. I reached my hand up toward the brilliant glow of the light that loomed over my head.
A hand grabbed hold of my wrist. "Don't strain yourself," said a gentle voice.
"Angel?" I asked. She had to be an angel... I was sure of it.... Miraculous healing, bright lights... white everywhere... Angels was the only thing left. Well that and a big pearly gate but the angel was probably about to bring me there.
My eyes swivelled to catch sight of her.
It was my mother.
At my bedside.
Fuck... I did go to Hell after all.
"Welcome back, Nick," came a second voice, from my other side.
"God?" I whispered. My eyes swivelled yet again. This time, they landed on a tall, Middle Eastern man, who was probably only a little older than me, with a kind face and big thick black glasses. Okay, so maybe not God. Mohammad? I wondered if I'd get seventy virgins. Maybe I was in Heaven after all. Unless my mom was one of them. Then we'd be back in Hell again.
His face smiled pleasantly. That's a good sign. God-slash-Mohammad was not pissed at me. I was doing okay for myself in this whole afterlife thing.
"My name is Doctor Xu Kim," he said, "And I've been the physician treating you for the last six years."
My brain activity must've come to a screeching halt.
"Mohammad say what?"
Dr. Xu Kim rested a hand on my forearm, "Mr. Carter, I'm afraid we have a lot of catching up to do."
"Last week, we had some amazing guests on the show, and now they're back to visit us again -- after thirty-eight years apart, reunited again through the incredible scientific discovery that is Miracle --" Anna Bernard's voice rang clear through the studio, "Please put your hands together and welcome back... all five... of the Backstreet Boys!"
I bounded out onto the stage full of energy, ready to bring down the house as Backstreet's Back echoed through the sound system, my feet barely touching the ground. The women in the audience were all... well, old. I stood at the edge of the stage, blinking out past the lights at them and wondered where all the sexy ladies had gone. Oh yeah. Age. Crap.
I turned around, expecting to see the other fellas beside me, but they were still dragging their geriatric selves up the aisle toward the stage. I felt sick.
Anna Bernard was smiling at me. I didn't really know who she was other than from watching the repeat of the episode from last week when the fellas were on it. Dr. Xu Kim had TiVo'ed it because he thought it would be good for me to see. Everything seemed so surreal, like something out of a movie or one of those fan stories - fan fiction or whatever they call it. Well I guess now it'd be called, huh? I bounced over to Anna Bernard and shook her hand, more because I needed to do something to distract my thoughts than anything else.
"Welcome, Nick, welcome," she greeted me. She waved a hand to the purple couch. I flopped onto it. The fellas were just now getting over there, Brian's hand just now meeting up with Anna Bernard's. He sat down next to me, slowly and precisely, his hands on his knees like brace support. I stared at him.
His bald spot was hardly a spot anymore.
Brian smiled at me. "You look like a deer in headlights," he murmured as AJ, Howie, and Kevin all greeted Anna Bernard.
"It's still all...fucky," I responded, shaking my head.
Brian pet my knee. "Brave.... You are, that is," he said.
"Thanks Yoda," I muttered. My eyes caught Kevin's. He looked like Santa Claus or something with all the thick fuzzy white hair around his chin and eyes.
"So Nick," Anna Bernard cut in, "How does it feel to be the third person resurrected with the Miracle drug?"
I turned and looked at her for a long moment, "I was third?" I looked back at the guys, "Dude... you guys let me be all Han Solo long enough to let two other people give this a shot before I got to go? Jeez..."
"Well we got some calls from a couple high schools wanting to let ninth graders dissect you so we weren't sure which would be a better offer," AJ joked. I stuck my tongue out at him.
"Are you thankful for your second chance at life, Nick?" Anna Bernard questioned.
I turned to look at her. "Yeah, of course."
She leaned forward. I could tell my answers weren't really satisfying her, but I couldn't help it. I didn't really know what to say.
What happened hadn't felt like anything particularly miraculous to me. I'd been asleep and I woke up and suddenly everything and everyone that I'd ever known had completely changed overnight. It felt more like a cruel joke or an unending nightmare than a miracle.
"How did they tell you about the passing of thirty-eight years?" Anna asked.
"Well my doctor, he just started out by explaining how cryrogenics work basically, then explained about this drug they were researching to reverse heart failure and stuff..." I shrugged, "Then he basically just laid it on me that I'd been in an accident and died and that it was thirty eight years later."
Anna leaned back, a look of incredulousness on her face. She shook her head, as though trying to compute the words I'd just said.
I think that had to be the weirdest part, the way people were looking at me, the way people were interested in me. I mean yeah I was used to it to a certain extent, I mean the last I remembered I was still famous and all that but it had been years since I'd had a caravan of paparazzi looking for pictures of me, and I'd never been harassed by national news networks before. It had taken me the better part of an hour to get down the hospital steps the day that I left. They'd been everywhere, shouting questions, wanting to know everything - just as Anna Bernard wanted to know now.
It was like waking up in the middle of an episode of the freaking Twilight Zone.
Everything has kind of become like an episode of the Twilight Zone, really, I thought, looking at Brian and the wrinkles around his eyes. It still seemed like it was yesterday that I'd said bye to Lauren, jumped in the Escalade, and headed off to LAX to pick Brian up. We'd been going to go to rehearsal for the NKOTBSB tour that week. Brian was gonna stay with me.
But it'd been thirty-eight years.
Anna Bernard continued interrogating us. When the show was over, she bade farewell to the viewers and thanked the studio audience, promising them each a copy of some greatest hits compilation of our music that I'd never seen before. We stopped and signed a few copies of it for fans on the way out, thanked them for coming, and made our way backstage to the green room. I grabbed a handful of M&Ms from a bowl on a table and tossed them back while the other guys found themselves seats around the room. Kevin lowered into his with a groan, holding his back.
I stared around at them, at their oldness. I felt like a scrooge being all young still. I ran my hands over my arms, arming a sudden chill that had overtaken me from the inside.
I drew a deep, shaking breath. "I- just want to- um - ...." I paused. "...I'm sorry," I said quietly.
"Sorry?" Howie snorted, "Sorry for what, Carter?"
I couldn't quite put words to what I was feeling. I shrugged, "I dunno. Everything."
"For being a youngin' while the rest of us are older than dirt?" AJ asked.
"Something like that," I said.
Kevin laughed, "Oh Nick. Are you seriously apologizing for dying?"
A lump rose up in my throat, "Well - kinda."
"If anything," Brian's words were thick and I could tell there was a wall of emotion bigger than the Great Wall of China backing the words, "We should be apologizing to you."
"For what? Dude, I was dead," I laughed.
Brian's eyes met mine. "Nick, for thirty-eight years I've felt guilty... for yelling at you for being late coming to pick me up..." The blue of Brian's pupils glistened. His lower jaw trembled.
"Aw Frick," I shook my head, "No, don't feel guilty."
"You got in that accident because you were speeding," he said, voice shaking.
"Dude, you know I always speed in the car," I said, my throat closing up, "You yell at me all the time for that..."
Brian struggled to his feet and crossed the room, wrapped his arms tightly around me, and I felt his tears on my shoulder as he pressed his face against me. I patted his back.
"Well I guess you finally get that solo career you've always wanted," Kevin joked, smirking.
I looked over at him as Brian backed out of the man-hug and ran his hands over his eyes.
I laughed. But only weakly. "What about a BSB reunion tour?"
"There's no way in hell I'm touring again with my joints the way they are," Kevin laughed.
"Aw c'mon Kev, nobody will notice the difference. You dance like a geezer anyways," I teased.
"Even so..." he smiled.
I looked down at my feet. Then back up at the guys. The wrinkles at the corners of their eyes scared me. One day there would come a time when all four of them would be gone - gone from old age. And me, well. I'd be maybe just turning forty by then. I'd always been the youngest in the band but now... now any one of them was old enough to be my dad. Literally. Maybe even my grandfather in Kevin's case.
One day, I'd be alone.
I sat down and closed my eyes.
Everything as I'd known it was altered irrevokably.
"What about you guys, what are you gonna do?" I asked.
"Go revise our wills to state we wanna be cryrogenetically frozen until such a time as they figure out how to rerverse aging?" AJ joked.
"Reverse aging, huh?" I laughed.
"Sure," AJ smirked, "You know, get rid of those crows feet around Howie's face, make Kev's joints move without cracking, make Brian's bald spot a spot again... give us all some boners, I'm pretty sure it's been awhile since that happened..." He laughed.
"Now that would be a miracle," I quipped.
"Indeed it would," AJ replied, the laugh lines around his mouth deepening, "Indeed, it would."
