Suddenly, I realized something. It was like the West Virginia mountains remembered for a moment that it was November, and it felt like a strong, cold wind literally slapped me in the face. I gasped and slid backwards on the bench away from Howie, causing him to knit his brows in confusion. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it sooner, but there it was right in front of my face. Howie reminded me of Danny. The way he walked, the way he talked, the way he remembered how I liked my coffee, and knew that I was going to need him that day-- it was all Danny. Now that I thought about it, he even kind of looked like him. The eyes and the mouth were remarkably similar. They even had some of the same facial expressions. He was about six inches shorter and Danny would have never been caught dead with a ponytail, but Howie could have easily been Danny’s Puerto-Rican cousin. I clamped my hand over my mouth as tears welled up in my eyes and spilled down my cheeks.

“Em?” Howie’s eyes searched mine for any indication of what was going through my mind. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’ll take it back. I--”

“You remind me of him,” I whispered.

“I remind you of.....who?” He put his hands on either side of my face and waited for my answer.

“It’s November 16th.”

His mouth formed an “O” of recognition. “Is it a bad thing that I remind you of him?” I broke down into sobs. He immediately threw his arms around me and held me tight. “Emily, look at me.” I buried my face in his shoulder. “Emily....” I couldn’t look at him. All I could think was that even if I did like kissing Howie, it would be like I was using Howie as a substitute for Danny. The parallel was uncanny. He was one of my best friends who happened to be a guy, and wanted to move into romantic territory. And much like with Danny.....I liked kissing him. “Emily.” He pulled away and put his hands on my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. “I would never want you to replace Danny with me.” I fought to find the right words, but they just didn’t come. “I would, however, like you to consider finding room in your heart for me too someday.”

Mel walked up to the table and put a hand on Howie’s shoulder. “Just a reminder that our soundcheck’s in twenty minutes.” She walked away as quickly as she came. His eyes followed her for moment until she entered the venue.

“Whatever happened there?” I asked him. Again, avoidance was good.

He sighed and played along. “I thought we were exclusive, and she didn’t. Kind of like Amelia and AJ, except the other way around. It’s not a big deal. We’d already agreed that it didn’t have to turn into anything.”

“So you’re not going to sneak into her bunk later?”

He laughed. “Well, I might, but it would just be to talk. She’s pretty fun to talk to.”

“You’re not trying to make me your rebound girl, are you?” I teased.

His face turned very serious and he placed his hands on my cheeks forcefully. “Absolutely not.”

I gulped and wet my lips. “I, um, better go, but I’ll meet up with you after soundcheck, okay?” I grabbed his wrists and pulled his hands off of my face. He nodded silently and I left him sitting alone at the picnic table.

Amelia was on her cell phone in the hallway. “It’s the craziest feeling. Like butterflies fluttering around in there.” She placed a hand on her lower abdomen. That wasn’t conspicuous at all. “Yeah...Stuart had to let it out again last night.” She paused and rolled her eyes. I could tell she was talking to Kevin. “I know, I know. I just feel like I’m going to ruin everything for everybody.” She turned to face the wall and started talking in a hushed voice.

As I neared the immediate backstage area, I nearly jumped out of my skin when I ran across Nick hiding behind a curtain. At least, I was pretty sure it was Nick. He was wearing ripped jeans and a plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, mirrored aviator sunglasses, and this ridiculous wig. It was long, brown, and curly, and a red bandana was was wrapped around the top of his head. I would reminisce about this moment years later when they filmed the “I Just Want You to Know” video. “Nick! What are you doing?”

He grinned and brought his index finger up to his lips. “Shhh.... I’m trying to be indesipicable.”

I stifled a laugh. “I’m sure ‘indespicable’ would be a pretty nice thing to be, but I think the word you’re looking for is inconspicuous.”

“Well, whatever. Do I look like a roadie?”

“You look like a psychopath.”

Amelia came up behind us. “Is that Nick?”

Nick put his finger back up to his lips and shushed her. “I’m a roadie.”

She put her hands on her hips and looked down, shaking her head. “Kevin wanted to know if you were doing okay today,” she said, turning her attention to me.

“Really?”

“Yeah. He actually had to remind me what today was. I’m sorry I forgot.” She put her head on my shoulder and gave me a quick hug.

“Well, tell him I said thanks and that I’m fine.”

“Maybe you should give him a call and tell him yourself.”

“I don’t think that would be a very good idea.” I was confused enough without bringing another man into the equation. I sauntered onto the stage and grabbed the microphone with the light blue tape wrapped around the bottom that had been dubbed mine, essentially letting Amy know that our conversation was over.

After soundcheck, Nick and Chrissy retreated to the bus, which left the rest of us hanging out in the green room to avoid their sexcapades. Howie and I settled onto a loveseat and talked to Mel, Amy, and Cassie. He never pressured me for an answer to his question, and in turn, I never gave him one.

Kevin and Amelia chose to call Johnny that night and tell him about the pregnancy. She was 16 weeks and definitely showing to all of us who knew she was pregnant. Before the N’Sync tour was over, it was going to be obvious to everyone, and she would be in need of at least modifying dance moves for the safety of her and the baby. Johnny was of course furious, but remarked that he was happy he only had to deal with one of them since he and the Backstreet Boys had decided to part ways before the next BSB album came out. We continued with the tour until just before Christmas. Since Amy was curvy to begin with, it was relatively easy to hide her growing baby bump with loose fitting clothing up until that point, but soon it would be very obvious to everyone that she was pregnant. In a way, I was a little relieved when Johnny announced that we wouldn’t be continuing with the next leg of the tour. I had been avoiding Joey like the plague, and I was glad to get a break from him, and from touring. We had been touring practically non-stop for over a year.