The Backstreet Boys spent the first part of 1999 in Orlando putting the finishing touches on their upcoming album, “Millennium.”  I was happy about that since we had some unavoidable downtime, and that meant my boyfriend would be close by for a few months.  Christina was beside herself with the prospect of actually getting to live with her husband for a while, even though they were putting in really long hours.  Between the album and the changes in management, they were pretty tied up most of the time, but at the end of the day, they got to go home, and there’s something to be said for that.  The guys and their new management team, The Firm, were being really hush-hush about the songs on the album, as well as the compulsory world tour that would go along with it.  Even as a “Backstreet girlfriend,” the title Howie had bestowed upon me didn’t give me much leverage into knowing anything about the album.  The only song snippets we’d heard were the ones previewed at the end of Britney Spears’ debut album, and believe me, we didn’t go out and buy it in order to hear them, since she was our biggest rival.  That’s what the internet was for.  The first single was to be released in April, and since I was a fan first, I was chomping at the bit to hear it.  This was one of the most highly anticipated albums of the year, and oh, what I would have given to be a fly on the wall in that studio.

“Alright guys. New song.”  Kevin passed out sheet music and sat down at the piano in the large studio the Backstreet Boys were renting to record their new album.  He poised his fingers over the keys and played the intro. AJ started singing.

“It’s not that I can’t live without you. It’s just that I don’t even want to try.  Every night I dream about you....Ever since the day we said good bye.” Howie jerked his head up from the music stand and watched Kevin as his fingers danced over the piano keys, his eyes flashing with jealousy.

Nick picked up where AJ left off.  “If I wasn’t such a fool, right now I’d be holding you. There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do...Baby if I only knew.”

The rest of the guys joined in for the chorus.  “The words to say, the road to take, to find a way back to your heart....”  

Kevin’s hands crashed down onto the piano.  “Howie, you’re all over the place. What gives?”

“Sorry.” Howie replied through clenched teeth.  “Let’s try again.”

Not five minutes later, Kevin’s hands crashed onto the keys again.  “How about we take a break?”  He eyed the producer in the sound booth to ask for permission, and he nodded his approval.  All of the other guys dropped their papers onto the music stands and began to file out.  “Everyone but you, D.”

Howie groaned and shut the door behind him.  He crossed his arms and leaned against it.  “Yes?” he asked coldly.   

Kevin stood up, ran his hands through his hair and sighed.  “I know what you’re thinking, D.”

Howie’s right fist clenched instinctively around the sweatshirt material covering his left upper arm.  “Oh, do you?”

Kevin stood up and started pacing back and forth beside the piano bench.  “Yes, it’s about Emily.  I could lie to you and tell you it’s about Kristin, but I won’t.”  Howie lunged forward, his face red and the proverbial steam rolling off his hot forehead. “But I wrote it almost a year ago, Howie-- when she started seeing Fatone.”

Howie’s eyes narrowed as he stopped dead in his tracks and sized him up.  “Really?”  

Kevin placed his hands on the smooth black baby grand and leaned over it, staring into Howie’s eyes.  “Really.  They wanted another ballad for the album and I happened to have one, so I pulled it out and they loved it.  And might I remind you that I’m engaged.”

“Well, okay then.” Howie delivered a fake smile through clenched teeth.  “I gotta go piss.”  He turned on his heel and walked out the door.  Kevin was shocked at his bluntness.  “Piss” wasn’t typically in the vocabulary of Mr. Manners.  Emily would have promptly delivered a smack to the back of his head for that one, he thought, laughing to himself.  He sighed and sat back down on the piano bench.  Crisis averted-- for now anyway.

Three heads jerked up at the sound of Howie slamming the door behind him.  “That was quick,” Brian remarked.

“Just a little misunderstanding.  Mr. Richardson straightened me out real quick,” he said sarcastically as he passed by them.

“Who wants to put money down on who that song’s about?”  AJ asked aloud.

“I’ll take that bet,” Nick commented before tossing a few potato chips into his mouth.

“Well, I can see why Howie might think that, but let’s play devil’s advocate for a moment.  He and Kristin did break up for a while.  Maybe it’s about her,”  Brian reasoned.  

“Keep telling yourself that, B-Rok,” AJ grunted and wandered back into the studio.  

“Amy, that’s disgusting.” Cassie crinkled her nose in distaste as she watched Amelia dip a pickle spear into a dollop of peanut butter on a paper plate.

Amy chomped into her pickle. "Don't knock it til you've tried it," she said with a shrug. "Want one?" She retrieved a pickle spear from the jar, dipped it, and thrust it in Cassie's face. Mel snorted as Cassie's face paled.

"No thanks."  There was a loud rapping at the door and Cassie jumped at the opportunity to leave her perch on the barstool at the kitchen counter to answer it. "Um, hey Howie. Are you guys already done for the day?" she asked when she found my boyfriend leaning against the doorway.

“Lunch break,” Howie answered shortly as he crossed the room, his eyes trained on mine.  My feet hit the floor as he pressed his hand against the small of my back and gave me a little nudge off the barstool.  “Can I borrow her for a minute?”  Nobody really had the chance to respond as he grasped my hand in his and pulled me into my bedroom.  My back was against the wall and his mouth was on mine before he even slammed the door behind us.  His hands were everywhere, and is fingertips seemed to ooze jolts of electricity as they touched and caressed what seemed like every inch of my body.  He pulled his lips away from mine and stared into my eyes intently, as if silently asking for permission to go further.  I bit my bottom lip and nodded eagerly.  He smiled and plunged his hands into the back of my black yoga pants as he hoisted me upwards, and I wrapped my legs around his waist.

It was quick-- almost animalistic on Howie’s part, and while I thoroughly enjoyed it, I was also thoroughly confused.  Howie and I had officially been together for a little over a month, and while we’d jumped to the sex part way too fast, “fast and furious” wasn’t like him at all.  It almost seemed like he was on a mission-- like he had something to prove.  “What was that about?” I asked quietly as we were getting dressed.  I realized our shirts hadn’t even come off He didn’t answer and went about zipping and buttoning his pants with his back turned towards me.  

“Howie?”  I reached out and touched his shoulder.  The muscles in his back tensed.  Then he turned to face me with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“You really love me, right?” His eyes searched mine, pleading.

“Of course.”  I gave him a reassuring peck on the lips.

“Only me?”

“Yes!”  I insisted truthfully.  I grabbed his hands and pulled his arms around my waist, then grasped his biceps gently.  “What brought this on?”

“There’s this song,” he muttered, looking down at our feet.

“Okay....”

“It’s about you.”

“About me?”  That was a little intimidating.

“He says he wrote it a long time ago, but I’m not so sure I believe him.”  He hadn’t looked me in the eye since I’d put myself in his arms.

“Who’s ‘he’?”

He raised his head and gave me a pointed stare, his jaw clenched tightly.  “You know who.”

“Kevin?” I asked innocently.

“Yes, Kevin.”  Oh.  Of course it was Kevin.

“He’s engaged, Howie.  Of course he must have written it a long time ago,” I reasoned.

“Yeah, but you loved him first.”  He loosened his grip on my waist and took a tentative step backwards.

“Howie, stop it.”  I pulled him back to me.  “Nobody ever said anything about love, Howie.  You know that.”

“No, but I know you, and I know that you loved him.”

I sighed and traced the  navy blue Gap logo appliqued across his chest with my fingernail.  “Does it matter whether I did or didn’t love him?  I chose you.  I love you.”  

I felt his arms tense around me, and his eyes narrowed into slits.  A strand of dark, curly hair had fallen out of his ponytail and hung loosely along his jawline.  I fought the urge to tuck it behind his ear.  “What do you mean you chose me?”  he asked, his suspicious voice barely above a whisper.

I gulped and took a moment to brush that strand of hair away, then ran my fingers along his cheek and down to his lips before leaning in and giving him a soft kiss.  “I never really wanted you to find out about this, Howie.  I didn’t want you to get mad or hold a grudge against one of your bandmates over something that’s all water under the bridge now.”

“Em, what are you talking about?”

“You asked me what I meant by ‘I chose you.’  What I mean is that Kevin gave me a choice.”  Howie’s brows furrowed, and I struggled to read his expression.  “He didn’t know he was giving me a choice at first, but he had a ring for Kristin and he asked me to give him a reason not to give it to her.”  I knew this new expression immediately-- jealousy.  “I told him to give it to her.”  

His eyes lit up with a smile, but his lips still twitched into a frown.  “Really?  Why?” he asked, as if he didn’t really believe what I was telling him.

“Because I’m with you,”  I answered matter-of-factly.  I gave his shoulders a  reassuring squeeze and stared directly into his uneasy eyes.  “I told Kevin to give Kristin the ring because it’s not him I want anymore.  It’s you.”

Howie’s lips curled up into a smile, yet still he questioned me.  “Really?”

“Yes!”  I insisted.  “What do you think we’ve been doing for the past month?”

“Going at it like rabbits?”  He got this twinkle in his eye as he reached around my back and squeezed my rear end.  I rolled my eyes and slapped him away playfully, but he pulled me close and locked his lips on mine in a searing kiss.  Just as I was starting to wonder whether he was preparing to head back to the studio or getting ready for round two, there was loud rapping on my bedroom door.  “Leave it,” Howie groaned against my lips.”  Yet, the knocking only got louder and more persistent.  

“Em!  We need you!” Mel’s voice echoed frantically through the hinges.

I sighed and pulled myself out of the grasp of my very hot boyfriend, then padded over to the door and swung it open.  “What?” I hissed, annoyed.

Cassie stood with her cell phone clutched in her hand just a few paces behind Mel in the hallway.  “Carson just called.”